01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

- Blue Ribbon Content presents

"Batman: The Audio Adventures."

[TV clicks, static]

- Come on, get him, get him!

[horse whinnying]

[TV clicks]
- ♪ Blabbo the birthday clown ♪

♪ He is just a birthday clown ♪

♪ It's a really bad time-- ♪

- ♪ Then bury me way out ♪

♪ Past Wayne Manor ♪

♪ Out where the pines ♪

♪ Hide the moon ♪

♪ And the cats and the bats
and the bloodhounds ♪

♪ They gonna shake
their bones ♪

♪ To my funeral tune ♪

♪ ♪

- Ah, the smokey sound
of Stoveplate Sullivan

and his Potbelly Orchestra,

just one example
of the world-class arts

and culture you can see
every day on Gotham City One.

Welcome back to our annual
member pledge drive.

I'm station manager
Marisol Drummond.

For over 30 years,

Gotham City One has
brought you news, weather,

and traffic
from around Gotham Land



But we depend
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to keep bringing Gotham City
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That number again is
CLOISTERS-50101,

and you can have this
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of just $200.

It's a great deal.
[phones ringing]

Oh, I'm told we have
an Eddie N. on the line.

Thanks for holding.
I know you've been patient.

Are you there, Eddie?

- Oh, crap.

- Eddie N.
- What?

- Is--I thought we had Eddie N.
on the line?

- I--Yeah, I'm his assistant.

He just told me
to watch his phone.

I didn't ask why.
Maybe he said.

I don't know.
So do you want him?

- I think--I think
you called us.

- Oh-oh.

Whatever, probably.

Hey, Eddie, they took your call
or whatever!

- I've got--thank you,
Ms. Tuesday.

Marisol Drummond,
fast Eddie N. here.

What a thrill.
Big fan of Gotham City One.

I love Jack Ryder.
I love the Gotham Gourmet.

I love your award-winning
documentaries

on Gotham City history.

And I just love all
the hard-hitting coverage

from transit reporter
Myron Armbruster.

- Wow, Eddie N.

And I love your enthusiasm.

What do you think's
your favorite thing

about Gotham City One?

- Gee, Marisol, that's
really not a good question.

It's bad.
You're bad.

You're really bad at your job.
[laughs]

- What?

- Look, I tried
to make this work.

Right up top I told you a bunch
of things I like,

basically doing your job
for you,

and now you need me
to narrow it down?

No wonder people hate
pledge drives.

Every year you amateurs beg
for change like bums.

- Cut him off.

- And you got us hostage,
don't you know?

I know a thing or two
about taking hostages,

so every year I'm forced
to cough up some ducats

to you grabby mendicants
'cause I just want it to stop.

I just want to sit in peace
and watch hard-hitting coverage

from transit reporter
Myron Armbruster.

He really does do a great job.

I don't think
I'm laying it on too thick

to give another shout-out
to Myron.

Give that guy
a Gothy award already.

- What do you mean
you can't cut him off?

- No, Marisol,
that was a bad question.

And you have
a bad [indistinct].

[chuckles] But I've got
an interesting question.

- We have to be able to--
- Riddle me this.



A fortnight more
will lay nine by.

If I collect
till solstice moon,

how many will I have in June?

- I-I don't--
- Of course you don't, Marisol.

But he good news, honey,
is I wasn't asking you.

No, I'm looking
at those sadists back there

behind you answering phones.

[people gasp]
- The phone bank?

- If one of them doesn't
input the right number

into their phone
in the next 60 seconds,

let's just say, is transit
reporter Myron Armbruster

out of the building?

Please evacuate Myron.
He's not part of this.

- I don't--does anyone--can we
just cut to a commercial?

[objects snapping, people cry]
Nobody panic!

[radio static]

[soft music]

- Gotham, a box
of indescribable treasures

hopelessly rusted shut.

Join us now for a tale

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

February 9th.

♪ ♪

[siren wailing]

As the Gotham City One studio
erupts into mayhem,

a separate scene
of panic unfolds

outside the old Gotham City
opera house.

It's an unwelcome interruption
to a badly needed night

of leisure for Bruce Wayne.

At faithful Alfred's
insistence,

Robin was sent on patrol

to let a weary
tuxedo-clad Bruce

enjoy an evening
of pleasant company

and wholesome Gotham nightlife.

But just as Bruce Wayne's
thoughts begin

to soar with the lilting aria
of the prima donna...

[crash, people scream]
[Joker laughs]

The Joker brings him crashing
back down

to the filthy Gotham sidewalks.

We are still days away from
the feast of St. Valentine's,

but the Joker is getting
the word out to save the date.

- Oh, Bruce,
thank you, dear boy.

Thank you.
You saved my life.

- I'm sure you're exaggerating,
Mrs. Puttermesser.

It was nothing really.

Now please be careful
getting home.

You've had quite a scare.

- Finding a shadowy spot
amid the mayhem,

Bruce Wayne steps aside
to check in

with his young ward
and crime fighting partner.

- Robin, report.
- Scene is secure.

A lot of very rattled
opera lovers

but zero casualties.

That's not a stat the Joker
usually posts.

- Think of it as a trailer
for a coming attraction.

This stunt tonight,
he was doing promotion,

hyping his upcoming performance
this Valentine's Day.

- He advertises his crimes?

- He'd tell you every new show

needs a k*ller
marketing campaign.

- I'm just glad no one
got hurt.

- Joker just hasn't gotten

to the hurting people part yet,
Robin.

- But why is that, Batman?

- He'd tell you comedy is all
about timing.

Continue to monitor the--

- So Bruce Wayne, superhero.

- Suddenly, Bruce's
shadowy spot is flooded

by the probing light
of journalistic inquiry.

- Excuse me, superhero?

- That seems to be the headline
talking to this crowd.

Vicki Vale, Mr. Wayne,
"Gotham Gazette."

- Did Mrs. Puttermesser
tell you a tale?

She's incorrigible.

I suppose I held the door open
as I exited, Ms. Vale.

Does that count as heroism?

I'm happy to hear
it was helpful.

And we've met, you know.

- Yes, that's not remotely
in line

with eyewitness reports,
Mr. Wayne.

- Mr. Wayne, please, Bruce.

I think you've even been
to my house, Ms. Vale.

- Everyone's saying you carried
unconscious victims

out of there two at a time
like they were grocery sacks.

- Why don't we--

- Now, I'm going to say no
upfront to a nightcap.

- Ah.

- So how about you drop
the adorable modesty

and give me the story.
- Uh...

- Just as Ms. Vale prepares
to administer the stress test

to Bruce's
improvisational skills,

sweet relief.

- I was on duty at the scene

when the disturbance occurred,
Ms. Vale.

I'm happy to answer
your questions.

- I appreciate that, Robin.
Thank you.

- The Batman says,

"An informed public is
a necessity for civil order."

- And I'd love
to interview you separately.

Right now I'm taking
Mr. Wayne's statement.

- Oh, well,
I'm sure Mr. Wayne doesn't--

- Tell me, if you would,
how the incident played out

from your vantage point, Bruce?

- Oh, boy.

[whoosh, waltz music plays]

The waltz number just started,
and there was a ruckus.

I don't know what exactly.
I'll be honest, Ms. Vale.

I was desperately in search
of more ice

for the champagne bucket
in my private box.

My date was--say,
where is my date?

- It was knockout gas,
Ms. Vale,

a pressurized device hidden
in a cello case.

Joker's g*ng had a man
in the orchestra.

- Well, as the cast onstage
succumbed to the gas,

suddenly, a small figure crept
out from behind the curtain

in a clown costume.

I didn't know
if it was a child,

or a frail woman,
or a castrato.

- Where would the Joker get
a castrato?

Oh. Oh, never mind.
Go on.

- Whatever it was,

this little clown homunculus
began to sing.

[high-pitched singing]
It was j--awful.

- Disturbing.
- I'll say.

The Joker obviously doesn't
know his Strauss

from his Leoncavallo.

- You want to break that down
for the lunch pail set?

- Tonight's performance was
Strauss's "Die Fledermaus."

Joker interrupted it with music

that's famously
from Leoncavallo's "Pagliacci."

No idea what that was about.
- I do.

Think of it as a trailer
for a coming attraction,

Ms. Vale.

He interrupted the opera
of the bat with "Pagliacci."

- The opera of the clown.

[dark music]

- At any rate,
it was out of tune.

[traffic clamoring]
- The message is simple though.

The Joker is planning
something deadly

for this Valentine's Day,

something he's calling
"Dark Purple Dawn."

I'll supply you
with further details

as they emerge, Ms. Vale.

- You do that, Boy Wonder.

And thank you for the service
you do for the city.

I'm sure my parents would
be very proud of you.

- Thank you, Mr. Wayne.

- Now, if you'll both
excuse me,

I'm gonna try
to salvage the evening.

- And I've gotta get back
on patrol.

Good night, Ms. Vale.

- The brooding billionaire
and his young ward part ways

but remain in communication.

- Thanks for your help
in a tight spot, chum.

Now get changed.

Bruce Wayne and d*ck Grayson

have a sudden
social obligation.

- What's up, Bruce?

- Tonight there's a black tie
ribbon cutting ceremony

at the Gotham Museum.
- Right.

For the brand-new Oswald C.
Cobblepot Hall of Penguins.

- I've just heard that
the Penguin himself

is going to attend after all.

- Oh, boy.

I'm guessing he's not just
taking the high road.

- He wants revenge
against the museum chairman,

and apparently he's willing
to pause his bizarre feud

with Two-Face to get it.

Expect unusual cruelty tonight,
Robin.

Be ready for anything.

- Don't go away.

The museum is just down the
street from the opera house.

[radio static]

- ♪ You ain't been lonely ♪

♪ Till you've known
the lonely I-- ♪

- From Haly's Circus,

and they are advising civilians

not to approach
the escaped gorilla

unless he puts down the--

[radio static]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Heat your home,
stay toasty warm ♪

♪ Through Gotham's
coldest summer storms ♪

- Hey, Gotham City.
It's almost March.

Do you know where
your home heating oil is?

Sure, we all know winter's
on its way out,

but so is Mr. Freeze...
of lockup again.

That's right, folks.

Gotham's own old man winter
is scheduled for release

from Arkham Asylum
on March 1st.

Do you have enough heating oil
to last the summer?

♪ ♪

- ♪ Chatter, chatter, chatter,
chatter, brr ♪

- Do you remember
when Mr. Freeze

flash froze Gotham Harbor?

Pretty sure that was in May.

Oh, and how about
that great Gotham blizzard,

remember that?

That was the blizzard

that canceled
the 4th of July fireworks.

Yeah, don't be a schnook.

They're letting the Freeze guy
off the hook,

so come get a summer's worth
of heating oil from me,

Heating Oil Doyle.

I know it sounds insane,
but don't fight it.

This is the new normal.

- ♪ If you freeze this June,
there's no excuse ♪

♪ You knew they turned
the Freeze guy loose ♪

- That's Heating Oil Doyle's
House of Home Heating Oil

in Springtown off I-57


Wayne Memorial Airfield

on the edge of Slaughter Swamp.

What?
That's what they call it.

♪ ♪

[radio static]

[smooth music]

- Gotham, a splendid cabinet
of grotesqueries

for the sophisticated
degenerate.

Join us now for another tale

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

The sprawling Gotham Museum has
a trove of antiquities

and natural wonders that rivals
the finest in Europe.

Here in the wildlife
of the polar regions hall,

Bruce Wayne and his young ward
d*ck Grayson arrive

to a swinging scene
of high society.

- There's Penguin.
He's up to something all right.

He'd never be here on time
if he wasn't.

The board of the museum has
no idea what they've done.

They think they're having
a little spat

with Oswald Cobblepot
on the society page.

They don't realize the Penguin
considers this a lethal insult.

Mingle around the party
with your ears on.

I'm gonna chat Penguin up

and plant a number four
listening device if I can.

- Copy that.

- Bruce Wayne confidently makes
his way through the party

to the obscene plutocrat.

- Good evening, Oswald.
- Ah, Wayne.

Truly honored you didn't
just send the butler

in your place as per usual.

Hope you pay that man well.

He has the busiest social
calendar in Gotham.

[quacking laughter]

- Yes, well, Oswald,
I just wanted

to express my congratulations

to you
for your recent acquisition.

The frozen mammoth specimen
you won at auction

will make
an impressive centerpiece

for your Ice Age Gala.

- Oh, no, you don't, Wayne.

Don't try to sauce my gander.

I know you're furious

I've got
that prehistoric pachyderm

instead of this museum.

- It's no secret
I don't like you

hoarding an important
scientific discovery

for your own profit,

but I don't see any reason
for there

to be bad blood between us.
- [quack laughter]

Don't worry your big square
head about that, Wayne.

We've never had problems

because you're
an ineffectual counterfeit

of your tediously
virtuous parents.

Wish this town had more
muscle-bound milquetoasts

like you, bruisy old bean.
[laughter]

And just don't try
to horn in on my action,

and we'll be fine.

- You mean, wet my beak,
Oswald, with you?

- [quack sound]
- Oh, I'd never.

- Why, you--

- But before the sputtering
bird can load return fire,

the men are joined
by the object of Oswald's ire,

the aged chairman of the board
of the Gotham Museum.

- Young Bruce Wayne, I say.

- Chairman Waterbury,
I'd hoped to see you tonight.

Good to see you looking so fit,
professor.

- Oh, my dear boy,
I still can't accept

that you've grown so.

Am I really as old as I look?

And Oswald Cobblepot,

so you showed up
to cut the ribbon after all.

- Why shouldn't I, Waterbury?

My name is
on your petty little exhibit.

I paid for it,
as you well know.

Was this all a penguin stunt
supposed to humiliate me?

- If you perceive humiliation,
Mr. Cobblepot,

I'd suggest there are
countless possible sources,

given your lifestyle
and your character,

in stark contrast
to Mr. Wayne here.

- Oh, let's not--

- A true pillar
of the community

and the soul
of scientific adventurism

since he was a young boy,
isn't that right, lad?

Hm. Always in the museum
as a youth,

always knocking
on my office door

with the most
outlandish questions.

- Oh, not that outlandish,
surely.

- "What's the minimum fatal
dose of tarantula venom?"

Oh, "can voodoo priests
really control minds?"

Oh, "what's the weakest point
on the human skeleton?"

- Oh, I'm sure
I was a nuisance,

but enough about--

- And for evidence of
this man's innate generosity,

look above us, suspended
from the ceiling there.

See the life-sized model of
the magnificent tusked narwhal?

- You mean, the big fish
with the horn up there?

I thought that was
called a tuna-corn.

[quacking laughter]
A tuna-corn!

- That life-sized replica was
the generous donation

of young Master Bruce Wayne,
age nine.

All he wanted for his birthday
that year

was for the museum
to have its own narwhal.

- I had schoolmates who didn't
believe narwhals were real,

and that seemed a shame.

- Oh, spare me.

- That is a scholar
and a gentleman,

Mr. Cobblepot, and his ilk is
as foreign to you

as the particulars
of taxonomic classification

and phylogenetic trees.

- I've given you hundreds
of thousands

over the years, Waterbury.

I've stuffed cabinets
upon cabinets

full of treasures in this dump.

Despite your insult,

I'm here tonight
at your tacky fête.

- Oh, you don't care
about the museum,

and you never have,
you waddling lout.

You think we're ridiculing you
with this exhibit,

Mr. Cobblepot?

I want to put your mind
at ease.

You're nothing like a penguin.

Penguins have a noble bearing.

- The malevolent mafioso
narrows his beady black eyes

with a murderous smile.

- Well, professor, I must say,
you really stuck it to me.

Wouldn't you say, Wayne?

He really stuck it to me,

really got his point across.
[laughs]

- The Penguin's odd emphasis
goes unnoticed

by the professor but not
by Bruce Wayne.

- [echoing] Look above us...
tusked narwhal...

- [echoing]
Really stuck it to me.

- Now that I have that
out of my system,

I think I can manage
to say a few civil words

of introduction for you,
Cobblepot.

So let's get
this ribbon cutting over with

and never speak again.

- I think that's exactly how
it's going to go, Waterbury.

- As the squat gangster waddles

after the aged academic
to the podium,

Bruce Wayne's mind begins
to calculate a way

to avert the obvious
coming catastrophe.

He signals to his young protégé
with urgency.

d*ck, we have a situation.
- What is it, Bruce?

- Good evening,
and welcome to the wildlife

of the polar regions wing
of the Gotham Museum.

Yes, thank you, thank you.

I hope my remarks don't
leave you cold tonight.

[laughter]

Your reception so far
has been...

- In less than a minute,

that narwhal is gonna break
loose and fall tusk-first

from the ceiling
to impale the professor.

- Holy pincushion!
How can you tell?

- Look there.

I noticed the whale has
moved slightly

since my last visit.

It's been rehung
in a diving posture

directly over the podium,

and it's rigged to fall
when Penguin cuts the ribbon.

- I see it.

The balloons drop
and so does pointy up there.

- Not many options,
I'll shove the professor

out of the way if I have to.

- Uh-oh, after the opera house,

here's the morning gazette's
banner headline:

"Bruce Wayne, Superhero."

- I'll have a tough time

explaining my keen sense
of danger.

It's not ideal.
I've got an alternative.

Be ready to help calm
a spooked crowd after it falls.

That whale weighs
several hundred pounds.

Uh, waiter?

- The dashing billionaire grabs
a passing champagne bottle

and begins
shaking it vigorously

as the Penguin readies
his ceremonial scissors.

- It is indeed my honor
to cut this ribbon

and officially open
the Hall of...

[grumbling]

Penguins.

Penguin, incidentally--I'm sure
all of Gotham knows this but--

is a cruel nickname that has
been applied to me in the past.

So this exhibit
initially offended me,

but after some reflection,

I've decided
to let this matter...

[quack, quack]
drop.

- Just before the Penguin
cuts the ribbon,

Bruce Wayne pops the cork
on the agitated bubbly.

The tiny expl*si*n
launches the cork

with great velocity
across the room

where it strikes the professor
square on the forehead...

- Ow!

- Sending the old gentleman
staggering backward

an instant
before the ribbon is cut

and the be-tusked whale
comes crashing down.

[crash, tusk vibrates]
[people scream]

- It's okay, everyone!
Is everyone all right?

I think everyone is okay.

- Bruce Wayne makes his way
through the startled crowd

to the aid
of the dazed professor.

- Are you all right, sir?
- Sweet province!

That tusky cetacean nearly
pierced me like a shish kebab.

- Let me help you up.
That was a close one.

- Too close, my boy.
Oh!

If that cork hadn't struck me--

- I'll take the blame and the
credit for that one, professor.

I guess it was a good thing
I was so thirsty.

- The Penguin toddles
toward them in a pique.

- Well, well, Waterbury,
old boy,

you got mighty lucky tonight.

Sure hope your luck lasts.

Shame about your whale, Wayne.

Guess Mommy and Daddy can't
exactly buy you a new one, huh?

[quacking laughter]

- Thanks for your concern.
The museum has insurance.

Good night, Oswald.

- As the sullen vulture of vice
retreats

to the company of his valet,

d*ck Grayson
rejoins his guardian.

- That was quick thinking,
Bruce.

Penguin probably spent days
and thousands to set that up,

and you trashed his plan

without even changing
out of your tux.

- Yes, I'm afraid
if Penguin wanted to dine

on a dish of revenge tonight,

he's going to go home hungry.

- So why does Penguin look so
pleased with himself right now?

- Indeed, far from furious,

the Penguin is clucking
with mirth.

- That's not good.
Engage audio surveillance.

- [laughs]

Oh, I can hardly be angry,
Mr. Decondor.

That was not the main event.

The evening's just
getting started.

Let's head over to Pier 2!

- Pier 2, Mr. Cobblepot?

- Yes, old smoke, Pier 2,

the only dock on the waterfront
Harvey Dent does business with.

Pier 2 is Two-Face's
whole import-export operation.

[laughs]

What time is it precisely,
Mr. Decondor?

- Precisely a quarter to 8:00,
sir.

- Great blue heron, let's move!

You see, I just passed word
to Harvey Dent

that I planted a b*mb
under his precious Pier 2,

and the clock is ticking!

He'll be apoplectic!

I can't wait to see the look
on his face...s.

[laughs]

I pluralized it! Ha!

- Harvey.

- To patrons of this broadcast,

we regret to inform you
that the remainder

of Bruce Wayne's
high living night

out on the town
has been canceled

by an unexpected contingency.

In its place, we offer a scene

of maritime mayhem
breaking against the shore

between "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

Thank you for your patience.

Pier 2 is just a short distance
from the museum.

[dial clicks,
dramatic music plays]

♪ ♪

[dial clicks]

- ♪ If a cloud of gas is
on its way ♪

♪ Make sure you go
the other way if-- ♪

- The following is
an encore presentation.

- Tonight, on the award-winning
docuseries "Ghosts of Gotham,"

we take you back
to that dark night

the Joker was born.

[Joker laughing]

- Five years ago, he emerged
from an accidental fall

into a vat
of chemical waste transformed

from an ordinary hoodlum

to Gotham's public enemy
number one,

the clown prince of crime,
the harlequin of hate.

Everyone in Gotham City knows
who he is,

but no one knows who he was.

Even the underworld
never knew his true name.

Before the chemicals
changed him,

he was simply
the anonymous leader

of the Red Hood g*ng.

[radio clicks]
- Of the Red Hood g*ng. Repeat.

All units be advised,
Red Hood g*ng is heavily armed.

- They were a coterie
of crimson capped th*gs

responsible for a string
of unusually violent

but otherwise unremarkable
petty crimes

until one fateful night.

The leader of the Red Hood g*ng
was cornered by the Batman

on a high catwalk
in the Ace Chemical Plant

as seen here
in this dramatic reenactment.

- You will never catch me,
Batman!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

This is what I say, me,

the leader
of the Red Hood g*ng.

- But the man who would become
the Joker tempted fate

with his arrogant words.

- Come and get me, Batman,

if you think you can catch me
by running, ha-ha-ha--

[static, tone]

[dramatic music]

- Newsflash, we interrupt
this freaking program

for a newsflash!

This is a freaking
breaking news bulletin

from Joker News Network!
[laughter]

- ♪ Love the Joker ♪

- What does it mean?

- Good evening, Gotham City.

I'm JNN anchorperson
Charlie Charliehorse

with shocking news
just developing.

Milos Kozlowski,
a local actor/limousine driver,

is missing.

Kozlowski is of course
best known

for playing the leader
of the Red Hood g*ng

on that cheapo
true crime program.

You know the one, the one
that's constantly in reruns.

Oh, sorry,
"encore presentation."

Some have said the decision

to cast a schlubby
Polish immigrant

as the devilishly handsome
clown prince of crime

was offbeat, even lazy,
but au contraire.

Every time they
show that episode,

which is a lot,

Kozlowski dazzles
late-night trash addicts

with his enormous pit stains,
steakhouse waistline,

and a playful lack of aptitude

with the rhythms
of English speech.

This reporter sure hopes
nothing happened to him,

but as I said,
they rerun that episode a lot.

Wouldn't surprise me

if someone somewhere
finally reached their limit.

JNN will keep you updated
as details

of the missing Joker
impersonator become available.

We now return you
to "Ghosts of Gotham"

already in progress.

Gee, I wonder if it's a rerun.

[static, tone]

♪ ♪

- The Red Hood was
submerged completely

in a roiling mixture
of unknown chemicals.

The toxic baptism not only
bleached his skin,

powerful psychoactive effects
remade his mind.

The Joker himself has said
it was like being forced

to witness an autopsy
of his own sanity.

Whatever was in that vat
of chemical waste,

it pushed
this ordinary lowlife

past the point of madness.

- Ha-hee-hee-h*-ha-h*!

- The Red Hood was no more.

He now called himself
the Joker.

- I now call myself the Joker.
Why are you so serious?

Ha-ha-h*-h*, wait until you
are getting a lot of me--

[static, tone]

♪ ♪

- Joker News Network!

It's a freaking newsflash!
Everybody freak out!

- ♪ Love the Joker ♪

- Breaking news once again.

It's with a heavy heart
we can now confirm

that Milos Kozlowski,
the relentless rerun presence

with the world's worst
Joker impression,

has been found dead
in a highly suspicious suicide.

The talented Polish thespian
k*lled himself

by jumping out
of a basement window.

Friends say he had
been depressed

ever since he bought a pair
of water skis

but couldn't find a lake
with a hill in it.

Things got worse when
he couldn't make ice cubes

because he lost the recipe.

And bad luck came in threes
as last month,

he got severe frostbite
waiting outside a theater

for a movie called
"Closed for Winter."

That news again,
Milos Kozlowski is dead

of highly unnatural causes.

His final wish
was to be buried at sea,

but he didn't want anyone to
drown while digging his grave.

Instead, he'll be laid to rest
in a paper bag,

since it's a cinch he could
never act his way out of.

Rest in peace, Milos Kozlowski.

You might be
fertilizing daisies,

but look on the bright side.

Your death scene was
your finest performance.

Turns out there was
acting talent

inside that guy all along.

The Joker just needed to
pull it out with some pliers.

♪ ♪

- This has been
the Joker News Network!

When news breaks,
we stab you with the shards!

You know what you did!

[static]

[soft dramatic music]

- Gotham, a city built
at the intersection

of destiny and despair.

Join us now
for a continuing tale

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

Pier 2, the Gotham Waterfront.

The busy buzz and clamor
of ill*gal commerce

proceeds as normal
for a winter's evening

while just underneath,

a desperate scene
is taking place

amongst its trusses
and scaffolding.

- You idiot, times running out.
This thing's gonna blow!

Then what?
- Ugh.

Hold on. We still have time.
[seagulls cawing]

We can find the b*mb.
Just don't look down.

- Hanging precariously
from the underside

of the towering structure is
a harrowed Harvey Dent

frantically in search
of the devastating expl*sive

planted by the Penguin.
[Harvey panting]

Hand over hand,
he clamors painstakingly

amongst the trusses,

dangling high
above the crashing waves.

- Where is it?
Where is it?

- I'm looking!
Do you not see me looking?

- Oh, what is that,
cheap crack about my eye?

I had an accident,
you insensitive prick.

- Oh, shut up, you imbecile!

We're running out of ti--ah!

- He misjudges a handhold.
He grabs thin air.

- Ahh--oh, don't drop the g*n!
You moron.

[splash]
Be careful.

It's a long fricking drop
into the drink.

- Listen, listen, shut up.
I need you to shut up.

- Time is rapidly elapsing,

but hope arrives
wearing a grim cowl and cape.

- Batman to Robin.
Maintain your position.

I found Harvey.
- Copy that, Batman.

- Harvey, get down from there.
- Batman, leave us alone.

- Harvey, Harvey,
you're not well, even for you.

You've been falling apart since
the rooftop in Little China.

- Oh, no you don't.

Don't blame us for this,
Batman.

The bird sent us up.

- He's telling the truth,
Batman.

We're trying to stop a b*mb
for once.

- No one's blaming you, Harvey.
I'm here to help.

- We can't let this happen,
Batman.

If Pier 2 blows up, then what?

It's a catastrophe, a fiasco,

a-a discombobulation
of the fundamental--

- Oh, cork it, you jackass!

- Nobody wants the pier
to blow up, Harvey.

- Objection, heresy.

I don't think council
has examined

the sworn testimony of
the Penguin.

- That bad turkey's trying
to boil our noodle here, Bats,

'cause he knows
if he blows up Pier 2,

then Pier 3 is Pier 2,
but it ain't.

It ain't.
It's-it's-it's Pier 3.

But there's-there's gotta be
a second pier,

but if there ain't a Pier 2--

- Harvey, let me look
for the b*mb.

- No, no, no, not on our watch.
- You're not well.

You need to get to safety.
- Objection!

I don't think this court
recognizes the mystery man

in the bat costume
as a mental health expert!

- Harvey, listen to me.
You're unraveling.

We have less than four minutes
to find that b*mb.

There are dozens of people
up there on the pier.

The blast radius will be
at least a thousand yards.

- Shut up!
- A millions ton of steel--

- Just shut up!
- And concrete'll--

- Dozens, thousand,
million--shut up,

shut up, shut up with all
the fricking numbers, Batman!

Don't you think
that's the trouble

with this stinking world?

All your damn numbers.
- I'm talking to Harvey.

I'm not talking to you.
You're insane.

- But what if he's not, Batman?

- Harvey, listen to me.
Don't listen to him.

- Ha-ha, don't listen he says,
ha, ha.

I can't believe
I've never thought of that,

just not listening.

- I told you, Bats.

Harvey's a kind
of--whatchu call...

c*ptive audience.

And I'm gonna wise him up
if it kills us both.

- Harvey, fight it.
- I-I can't, Batman.

All day long he's at me.
He says we're all deceived.

- What I said is
you're all suckers.

He doesn't believe in numbers,
Batman.

He says they aren't real.

They ain't.

Numbers, math,
all your times tables,

it's a stinking lie.

- He says he's never counted
past two, Batman, ever.

He-he never needed to.

He says everything everywhere
all the way down

to a fracture of an atom
is half a matched pair.

And it's bloody beautiful.

Wake up, all you rats lined up
behind the piper.

You're ignorant
till you wise up.

And if you ain't the fishhook,
then you're the worm,

you stupid fricking bots!

- Batman, he sees such
beautiful binaries everywhere.

It's so simple.

There's a dead cat
in the box, right?

But don't open it,
or you'll k*ll him.

You see?
[laughs]

Don't k*ll the dead cat,

or Mr. Schrodinger will
keep you after class.

- The words are utter madness,

but the voice is a cry for help
from a friend in pain.

The eye of Harvey Dent looks
out at Batman

from far away, pleading.

- Harvey, it's going
to be okay.

Maybe we can both escape,
you and I, the two of us.

- The--the two?

- That's right, Harvey, just--
[ticking]

- But at that moment, Harvey's
eye lights on the b*mb,

its precious seconds draining
away like life blood.

- Batman, the b*mb, I see it.
I think I can reach it.

- Harvey, don't!
You'll lose your grip!

- [grunting]

- He reaches--

- Batman!

- Then falls.

Batman flies to the b*mb.

Two-Face struggles
in the roiling surf.

- Help me, Batman!
- Swim, Harvey!

[splashing]
- Batman...help!

Help me!

- I have to disarm the b*mb,
Harvey.

You know how to swim.

- Yes, I do, but he doesn't!

Shut up!
Don't tell him that!

Keep me up!

- Why don't you just--

- As his friend struggles
to stay afloat,

the truth pierces
through Batman

like the point of an icicle.

- Oh, no.
- Robin to Batman.

What's going on down there?
Did someone fall?

- I've located the b*mb,
trying to disarm,

just seconds left.

- I'm coming down.
- Negative.

I need you up there to evacuate
civilians on the pier.

Hang on, Harvey!

- But in the pitching surf,
Batman's words go unheard.

- B--ga--help!

- Shut up!
I ain't weak!

- Harvey Dent struggles
as if to keep

two drowning men afloat.
- Stop struggling!

And panicking!
- And he's losing.

- Just let me swim!

- I ain't panicking!

You're always trying--
[gurgling]

humiliate me!

You think you're better
than me?

Let's see if you drown better
than me!

- You sick-headed simp!

We're gonna die!

Oh. Are you scared?
Ha, I can't wait!

I hate your chicken-fried guts,
you coward!

- Harvey!

- I can't wait to see you
in hell!

- Please, he'll k*ll us both,
Batman!

- But Batman cannot save both
his friend and Pier 2.

And as Harvey Dent sinks
beneath the waves,

again, Batman sees his friend
looking back at him

from deep inside one good eye.

It's almost like Harvey Dent
can see beyond the mask

of the Bat into the face
of a friend failing him.

- Ah--ahh!

- But there is no time
for blame.

- Batman to Robin.

High yield expl*sive
discharge imminent.

- Where are you, Batman?

- No time to finish
the disarm sequence.

I'm gonna launch it clear
of the structure by Batapult.

I don't know if the pier will
withstand the concussion.

Brace for detonation, Robin!
[yells]

[expl*si*n]

- The blast knocks Batman
from his precarious perch,

and he plummets
into the black harbor below.

- [panting, groans]
[splash]

- After a seeming eon of agony,
Batman comes up from the waves.

- [gasps for breath]

- The pier is still standing.

Wasting no time,
the dark knight goes back under

to find his fallen friend.

Again and again,
he descends to the depths.

Again and again,
he finds nothing.

- Batman to Robin.

There's a lot of debris,
but there's no body.

It's probable Two-Face
survived,

but even if he did,
I failed him.

And that look on his face
before he went under,

he knew it.

Robin, I may have just
lost Harvey Dent forever.

- But, Batman,
everything's all right up here.

You saved the pier,
and you could've died,

and you won!

- Won?

We live to fight another day,
Robin.

That's all it ever is.

Rendezvous at the Batmobile.
Batman out.

[smooth music]

- What does it profit a man
if he saves the world

but loses his place in it?

A question commonly asked
in the course

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

♪ ♪

[radio static]

- ♪ We say it again,
that word is GLARBIMACTAFIN ♪

[radio static]

- Always professional
and by the book.

[radio static]

- 19, 3, 66, Charlie,

[radio static]

- Book your vacation now.

[radio static]

- ♪ Gotham City ♪

[piano music]

♪ Stain the city ♪

♪ My, your future's bright ♪

♪ There you will lead us ♪

♪ There he'll never ♪

♪ Quit the fight ♪

♪ ♪

- To be continued.

[upbeat music]