02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

- "Batman:
The Audio Adventures."

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[person screams]

Who knows what evil dwells

in the heart of the dark
of the city?

One lone defender
of the night--

[air whooshes]

Look. In the shadows.

On the rooftops.

[air whooshes]

It's a specter. It's a shade.

It's--
announcer: Fair ball!

Central City takes a 3-1--

[upbeat music]

♪ Gotham City One ♪

Good evening, folks.

This is Jack Ryder here
in downtown Gotham City's

fabulous Restaurant Row,

formerly known
as the rendering district.

It looks like the whole city
has turned out tonight

for the Taste of Gotham
festival,

an annual outdoor celebration
of all the yummy things

cooking in Gotham--

and the Bat-Signal
just lit up.

[distant siren blaring]
That's always comforting.

Nothing says
"everything is okay"

like seeing the ol'
Bat-Signal in the sky.

Just gonna continue on here
as if I'm sure

a g*ng of clowns
with Tommy g*ns is not about

to come tearing out
of the alley.

It's called being a pro
in this town.

Okay, so as I say,
it's the annual

Taste of Gotham festival,
and we're just in time

for one of its
most delicious--whoa!

- Comin' through!
- My bad.

One of its most delicious
and time-honored traditions.

- No, no, no.
You can't stand there, Mac.

There's gonna be pierogis
coming through here.

Hot pierogis!

Okay, here? Okay.

Yes, that's right--pierogis.

We're here outside
Mama Dagmar's Famous Diner

for the infamous
pierogis pig-out.

Let's hear that jingle, ladies

singers: ♪ Mama Dagmar's
Famous Pierogis ♪

♪ The dough is just so
and the meat is sweet ♪

♪ Hey ♪

- That's right,
Gotham loves her pierogis,

and none more so than--

- You're right in my way,
pally.

- Hot pierogis!
- Sorry.

Look, I'm trying to cooperate.

- Mama Dagmar says the pierogis
gotta be hot.

- All right.
The rules are simple.

The hungry Gothamite
who wolfs down

or gobbles up
the most Mama Dagmar pierogis

in just five minutes wins.

And waiting right here
to crown this year's winner

is Gotham's pierogi Queen
herself,

Mama Dagma--oh, she's late?

So no Mama Dagmar.

Do we do any prep work
on this show or do you just

send me out here
to dangle like a jerk?

All right, fantastic.

Then let's meet our five hungry
contestants.

Contestant number one,
how are you feeling?

- Feeling good, Jack.
[chuckles]

Well, a little nervous,
actually.

Uh, at least I hope
it's nerves.

Could be Scarecrow drugs.
[chuckles]

I mean, if I was dosed
with Scarecrow drugs

wouldn't it feel exactly
like this?

No, but I'm good...I think.

- Great, so--
- You kn--I know it's been

almost two weeks
since Valentine's Day

and the police
say the Batman is on it...

but the Joker
is still out there, and--

- Okay, we don't really use
the J-word

on this program anymore.
It's a new policy.

Also, we're discouraging
mentioning the Scarecrow

or any of his escalating
narcoterrorism. Thank you.

People are trying to enjoy
an eating competition.

So moving on.

Contestant number two,
are you ready for--

is someone supposed to be
sitting in this chair?

Anyone?

Contestant number two left
when the bat signal lit up.

Okay, great.
This is going great.

"It's not too soon Jack.

"Gotham is ready
for a nighttime outdoor

competitive eating contest."

- Move it, Jackson!
- Gah!

Last load of pierogis.

Mama Dagmar says
the dough's just so

and the meat is sweet.

singers: ♪ Mama Dagmar's
famous pierogis ♪

♪ The dough's just so
and the meat is sweet ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

Gah. Wow, that was loud.

Ladies, I'm gonna be
the one that cues you, okay?

Not the waitress.

Still no Mama
Dagmar?

Okay, look, let's just start
this thing, okay?

It's only a ninety
minute broadcast.

Okay, contestants,
on your marks, get set,

let the pierogi pig-out begin.
[starting g*n fires]

- And they're off!
Look at em go.

[contestants munching]
Look at...ugh, yuck.

Mickey, where is she?

Mama Dagmar.

Well what am
I supposed to do,

just watch them eat?

Okay, here, get that waitress.
Miss?

- My name is Harleen Quinzel,
Jackson!

I'm new in town but I'm
already a big fan of yours.

- Well, that's great.
Harleen, did you say?

What can you tell us about
these famous pierogis, Harleen?

- Oh, well, Mama Dagmar says
the meat is key.

Amen to that.

- Which is weird,
'cause she'd do anything

to avoid paying top dollar
for the stuff.

- She what?
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh yeah, she's all up
in the meat-packing racket.

If it's cheap,
it goes in the pierogis.

We're not talking Grade-A meat.
No, doctor.

More like Grade "ay chihuahua."

- [laughs]
I'm sure you're not--

- Anyway, about a week ago
she tried to get cute.

She thought she saw
an opportunity

to undercut her wholesaler
in the chaos.

Chaos? What chaos?

- Ah, you know how it is
since the Penguin

and Two-Face crime syndicates
merged.

- I really don't.
- Ah, come on.

If you don't see what's going
on you must be sellin' pencils.

See, Mama D figured
since Penguin and Two-Face were

teamed up, she didn't need to
pay out twice.

I guess Two face didn't like
her getting wise,

so long story short,
Two-Face sent his boys

over here late last night
after closing

and you know,
looks like Mama Dagmar went

into the kitchen
and pierogis came out,

- if you catch my drift.
- I definitely don't.

- I'm just saying there was no
meat in the freezer

when I closed up last night,
and now there's pierogis.

- Oh, my God.
- So, yeah.

I don't think Mama Dagmar's
gonna show up.

Or she's already here, I guess.

I don't know.
This is why I'm vegan.

- Stop eating. Stop.
Get that out of your mouth!

Don't eat the pierogis!

singers: ♪ Mama Dagmar's
famous pierogis ♪

- Don't!
singers: ♪ The dough's just so

♪ And the meat is sweet ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪
- That was not your cue!

- I guess I'll take over
from here, Jack.

Hi, Gotham City.
I'm Harleen Quinzel.

I think I used to be a doctor?

I'll be honest,
the last two weeks have been

really screwy
in the dome piece.

I took this job 'cause
I didn't know what else to do.

I'm just trying to stay alive

till he gives me a sign,
you know?

My darling baby
sweet puddin'.

My sweet Mr. J.

If you're watching, puddin'
please.

Tell me how to find you.
Tell me what to do.

I know we're meant
to be together.

Tell me what you
want me to do or else...

[husky voice]
I'm gonna start guessing.

narrator: Gotham.
In a starless sky,

anvils hang over the asphalt.

Join us now for another tale
of life and death

in Gotham City.

February 27th, two weeks after
the Joker's failed

Valentine's Day catastrophe,

Gotham City stirs
to life again.

But sometimes when you live
to fight another day,

all that's promised
is another beating.

Or in Batman's case, several.

While the Joker remains
at large, gangster kingpins

and former rivals
the Penguin and Two-Face

have combined their
criminal might,

and the mysterious
narco-t*rror1st known

as the Scarecrow
remains unidentified,

even as his fear drugs
plague the city.

[muffled] But while the city
seethes outside,

we rejoin our adventures
safe in here.

Apologies for the close
quarters.

And don't breathe too deeply,
there is limited oxygen.

We are presently inside
the cramped confines

of a private safe,

and not just any private safe,
but a private safe in the home

of one of Gotham City's
wealthiest

and most prominent citizens.

Its twin-dial locking mechanism
will only open

for one of three trillion
combinations.

There is quite possibly
no more secure location

in all of Gotham City.

- [creaking]
- [chuckling]

- That is, unless Catwoman
is on the premises.

- Well, now,
what goodies have we got?

narrator: Goodies too numerous
to mention.

A heaping mound of lucre.
Gold.

Stock certificates.
Jade. Emeralds.

A length of impossibly
flawless pearls.

And as Catwoman paws
through a cool trillion,

- she is irrepressibly...
- Disappointed. [sighs]

narrator: Yes, despite
the beguiling treasures

on offer, Catwoman is looking
for something

she has not found.

The question
of its vexing absence would be

an excellent one
for a resident

of the household.

And as luck would have it,

one is waiting patiently
nearby.

- You got a fortune in here,
cookie.

But I'm known
for my particular tastes.

Where is the Ocelot?

[muffled grumbling]

Too loose?

Boy, I thought I tied you up
pretty good there,

- but if you say so...
- [grunts]

- Let me know
when this gets too tight.

- [grunts, yelps]
- Thank you.

Now then, I'll take the gag
off,

but only after we get
a couple things

- ducky between us.
- [grunts]

- I'm here for the Ocelot
of Paradise.

- [grunts]
- Ring a bell?

It's about the size
of a grapefruit,

weighs about 10,000 carats

and looks like
a big, blue cat's eye?

Now, that'd get my attention
any day of the week.

But here's what brought
me all the way

out here to the suburbs.

The Ocelot ain't just a honey
of a sparkler,

it's a pure
Santa Priscan Larimar.

- [grunts]
- Yes, that's right.

It's ill*gal to import it--
really ill*gal.

Santa Priscan Larimar gives
blood diamonds a good name.

Now, you ready for that gag
to come off

so you can tell me
about your supplier?

[grunts]

I...disagree.

I think you need
some extra convincing.

- You know what's good for that?
- Hmm?

Hmm. Fireplace tools.

- [yelps]
[metal shings]

- Now, then,
do you have any idea

why they call this thing
a poker?

Let's find out together,
shall we?

[rumbling]
What the--

narrator: Suddenly as Catwoman
stumbles away

from the vast fireplace,

the room fills
with a massive cloud of soot.

[coughs]

narrator:
As the black cloud billows,

it seems to take solid form.

- [thud]
- [coughs]

Put the poker down, Catwoman.

You're not going
to hurt that old man.

[coughs] Batman?

Did you just literally drop out
of a chimney

like an actual bat?

You are really going method
with this thing.

- Catwoman--
- Where does it end?

You already live in a cave.

Tell me you haven't become
an insectivore

- Catwoman, this has to stop.
- I agree.

Why am I seeing more of you

since I iced you out
of my life?

- You're interfering
with a situation

I have under surveillance.

It's not the first time.

- You know this guy is moving
Santa Priscan Larimar?

- He's not, but he's in contact
with people who are--

under my supervision.

- A sting operation?
- In progress.

But you jumped the g*n.

- Oh, what do you know
about g*ns?

You fight with a boomerang
like a weirdo.

But if you want to talk
about interference,

let's have that conversation.

You laid out Tooth Gumford
last week

- He ran black market g*ns.
- He was my fence,

and he didn't truck
with the psychos.

We need that kind of crook
on the street.

- No, you need crooks
on the street.

I'm sworn to uphold the law.

It's not a judgment call
for me anymore, Catwoman.

It's the only sustainable
way forward.

Look around.

The combined might
of the Penguin

and Two-Face syndicates
has driven the small timers

into survival mode.

The ganglands have gone feral.

Gotham is at
the tipping point.

- Hey, I stopped doing this
because it was fun

a long time ago.

- Then join me.
This can't go on.

Why, because you say so?

- In the last two weeks
I've cleaned out more

of those small-timers than
you'll legally arrest

in two months.

So here's a counteroffer:

stop playing cops and robbers.
It's lame.

And it's hopelessly naive.

I'm trying to save the city.

[chuckles] So am I.

I just get paid for it
better than you do.

[hostage laughs]

See? Thank you. Exactly.

The GCPD
is overwhelmingly corrupt.

You know that,
you ridiculous man.

- I have my people.
And the resources are more--

- If you think you're in
control of the situation

'cause you have your little
rooftop pow-wows

with Commissioner Useless,
you're Joker crazy.

- Catwoman,
this isn't a request.

That does it.

I swore the next time
you talked to me like that

would be the last.

You think you're the only
one who cares about this city?

- Where are you going?
- Back to work.

- You know this means
I'll have to p--

No. Here's what this means.

This means w*r.

Make wise choices, Catwoman.

The next time I see you,

it will be
as an officer of the law.

- And that's a close
to a threat

as you will ever get
with me, Batman.

[window ledge clatters]
Oh.

And this is some house,
isn't it?

- Be sure to tell your friend
Bruce Wayne

he knows how to live.

But he should really invest
in a decent security system

if he's going to always be
out of town.

- Hmm. I'll make sure
to mention it.

- And tell him I'm sorry
if I was rough

on his man Jeeves there.

Sorry, Jeeves.
[Alfred grunts]

narrator: As Catwoman
disappears into the night,

Batman crosses
his father's study

to untie poor,
faithful Alfred Pennyworth.

- I'm sorry, Alfred. I--

- Old man?
- Oh, come, now.

It's theater, Alfred.
You appreciate--

- "You're not going to hurt
that old man."

- Alfred.
- And dropping out

of the chimney--
who do you think

is going to clean up
all of that soot?

- I was downstairs
when Catwoman finally

made her appearance.

How did you want me to get in?

You would have preferred I
crashed in through the windows?

Your precious
leaded glass windows?

- I would prefer it if you
didn't have Catwoman in

to hash out your differences.

She makes good points.
You know this.

- Catwoman may think
her street-level chaos

is making a difference,

but it's nothing
but crime redistribution.

The city still burns.

- Even so, Catwoman
is no ordinary adversary.

And if you insist
on having it out

in the alley with her,
you might do well to remember

the tale of the Kilkenny Cats.

- Thank you, Alfred.
I take your point.

- Because we all remember what
happened to the Kilkenny Cats.

- Yes, we do.
So there's no need to--

- "There once were two cats
from Kilkenny

who each thought there
one cat too many."

- Alfred.
- "So they scratched

"and they bit and they fought
and they fit

"till excepting their nails
and the tips of their tails,

instead of two cats,
there weren't any."

Excellent recitation.

Thank you. It was.

- But if two cats
are your problem,

there's an easy solution.

One has to go back
in the bag.

[mysterious music]

narrator: It is said the enemy
of my enemy is my friend.

what then is the rival
of my adversary?

A question Batman has given
himself to answer

in his ongoing exegesis of life
and death in Gotham City.

♪ ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen
Oswald Cobblepot

could not be here tonight,

but on his behalf,
may I welcome you

to the fabulous Iceberg Lounge.
[applause]

Now this next number
is all about numbers.

please welcome the Count
and his "Arithmetic Swing."

- ♪ Now let's sing a song
of six g*ns ♪

♪ A gullet full of rye ♪

♪ Four and 20 blackbirds
jute in the pines ♪

♪ And when the pines
are rolling ♪

♪ The bats begin to swing ♪

♪ Now, wasn't that a seedy chip
to sweat the 403? ♪

[jazzy music]

♪ Whoa ♪
[g*nsh*t bangs]

[music stops]
[people screaming]

- Uh, it's okay.
It's all right, folks.

Nothing to worry about. I'm
sure he'll be fine.

It's just minor flesh wounds.

The Count
is not mortally injured.

[off-mic]
Gigi, run upstairs

and tell Mr. Cobblepot
this has to stop.

Two-Face just shot another one
of his nightclub acts.

[on-mic] We're just gonna take
a short break folks,

and, uh, the next round
is on the house.

- ♪ It is then that
I think of y-- ♪

- ...anniversary of the
mysterious disappearance

of WayneTech executive
Lucius Fox--

- Stock in Janus Cosmetics
fell to a market low of--

announcer: [mysterious voice]
Prepare yourself

- for the enigmatic...
- [whispered] Harlequin.

- The absurd...
- [whispered] Harlequin.

- The irrepressible.
[laughter]

The Harlequin is coming
to Gotham City.

[whispered] Harlequin.

The Harlequin. Coming soon.

♪ ♪

narrator: "Life and Death
in Gotham City: Epilogue."

[glass smashes]
[cat meows]

On a lonely fire escape

over a grimy South Gotham
alleyway,

a lovelorn woman pours
her heart into plaintive song.

♪ In the dark, purple dawn ♪

♪ Yes, the sun shall rise
anon ♪

♪ And the golden light will
play upon my mood ♪

narrator: Two weeks ago
Harleen Quinzel met

the man of her dreams.

Maybe it was his smile.
Maybe it was his savoir-faire.

Maybe it was a megadose
of his psychotropic aphrodisiac

rampaging across
her blood-brain barrier.

Love's a mystery.

All Harleen knows
is that day she felt brand new,

a freshly stropped razor
honed to a perfect edge.

And every day since then
she's felt like

a lone shoe dangling
from a telephone line--

a wayward half
of a necessary pair,

abandoned, precarious,
and without purpose.

- ♪ When the rooster
does bid me rise ♪

♪ I'll gently shut my eyes ♪

♪ Till the dark purple ♪

♪ Reappears ♪

- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- Boo.

- Now, for my next number,
same as the last number.

- Boo. No.
- Let's all sing along

to Mr. J's favorite ditty,
"Dark Purple Dawn."

- [crowd jeering]
- No. Not again.

- ♪ In the dark, purple dawn ♪
[object clatters]

♪ When the moon's g-- ♪
Ow!

Oh, hey, thanks.
I actually did want a shoe.

Thank y--ow!

Hey! Hey!
[objects clatter]

Who's throwing batteries?

Now that's low class.

Learn a new song!

And sing it in the daytime!

- It's called a moonlight
serenade, ya dink!

It's gotta be at night! Ugh!

I'm singing my heart out here!
Fine!

It's 'pearls before swine"
night in Losertown anyhow.

See ya at the sock hop.

narrator: Climbing back
through the window

into her ten-dollar-a-night
room,

Harleen heaves
an exhausted sob.

- Ugh.
narrator: Whatever brought her

to Gotham City two weeks ago

is long forgotten.

She is now living for a love
that's slowly k*lling her.

She has no way
to find her beloved,

no way to reach him,
no way to make him hear

how badly she needs him.

All she can do is wail

- into the lonesome night.
- Aw.

narrator:
Finally, vague feelings

of despair begin to form
a tragic plan of action.

- My dearest, sweetest,
puddinest Mister J.

If you are reading this,

it means I couldn't bear it
no longer,

and I have decided to, uh...

ugh, no. Too messy.

Um, I am headed
to the top of Wayne Tower to--

oh, yeah right.
You and what bus fare?

Come on.

I need a way to snuff it out
that's cheap and classy.

Oh! Hold up. I got it.

To the Gotham Zoo,

jaybird nekkid
in the polar bear cage.

narrator:
Fortunately, fate intervenes

to offer a more dignified
solution to her heartache.

- Penguin, yeah.
[telephone ringing]

What the--
[tense music]

Who on earth
could that possibly--

[phone clicks]
Uh, hello?

Hello, Harleen.

This is the Joker.

Oh. My. Galoshes.

- I hope I'm not calling
at a bad time.

What? No! Really? Really?

No, it's the absolute
best time.

I can't believe
this is happening.

Is this really happening?

- No, of course
it's not happening.

Aww. It's not?

Don't be ridiculous.

This dump doesn't
have a telephone, remember?

Right now you're holding
a banana up to your ear.

- Oh, yeah. I did think the
reception was awful good

- for a piece of fruit.
- Yes.

So obviously, you're quite
cuckoo, Harley darlin,

and this call is
coming from inside the house,

if you catch my drift.

But that doesn't mean you
shouldn't listen to me.

Okay, fine.
I'm not the Joker, per se.

I'm your heart's desire.

I'm what's keeping
the Harley shark swimming,

you know what I'm getting at?

And I just got the distinct
impression

you were tossin' in the towel
on me, isn't that right?

Lookin' to bite
the big bazooka?

- Ooh, I didn't think
of a bazooka.

- Yes you did,
because I'm you.

I got a better idea.

I think you can still get
what you're after.

- Yeah?
- Sure.

Quitting is for smokers, right?

You're a go-getter,
I can tell.

So if it's a fella you fancy,

maybe you just need to show
a little more interest

- in his hobbies.
- His hobbies?

- Just spitballing here,
but...

did you ever think
of trying your hand at crime?

Crime? Me?

Nah, you're right.

I had you pegged wrong.
Forget I said it.

What? No! No!

Wait. You think Mr. J
would notice me if I--

- Hey I don't know nothin'
'bout nothin'.

I'm just nonsense coming out
the end of a banana.

I'm just saying
the Clown Prince of Crime

probably only dates other
criminal types, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Other criminal types. I got it.

- And you got an eye
for crime.

Didn't take you long
to size up the score

at Mama Dagmar's, did it?

Hey, weren't you even
a doctor of crimeology

- or something?
- Hey, yeah.

It was something like that.

Well, I better let you go.

You got a lot to think about.

Oh hey, listen,
after I hang up,

why don't you go ahead
and eat this banana.

They're good for you--
potassium I think.

'Cause trust me,
when you finally decide

to go through with
what I got in mind,

you're gonna need
your strength.

Narrator: As Harleen Quinzel
mulls an exciting new career

in the up-and-coming field
of villainy,

we mark this page in
preparation

for a hasty return
to the latest volume

of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."

To be continued.

[jazzy music]