02x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

- "Batman:
The Audio Adventures"

- South Gotham Exchange,
I'm connecting your call, sir.

- Gotham Bell Telephone
Services, please hold.

- I'm sorry, ma'am,
that number is unlisted

at the request of the customer.

Yes, this is South Gotham
Exchange, number please.

- Yeah, give me the number for
Fenton's Butcher Shop.

Hold please, sir.

- And a pleasant evening
to you, too, sir.

South Gotham Exchange,
how may I direct your call?

My apologies, ma'am,
that line is busy.

Yeah, it's busy.

I've been trying that no
good rat for the last hour.

Who's he talking to
at this hour of the night?

I'm sure I don't know, ma'am.

- Well, just listen in
and tell me

if it's that chippie
from the betting parlor.

- Number please.
- Park Row Dry Cleaners.

Just one moment.

- Gotham Bell
Telephone Services.

- Yeah, I need to report
a vandalized phone booth.

- I see, and can you tell me
how bad the damage is, sir?

- [laughs]
Hold your horses, lady.

I ain't even finished
with her yet.

- [glass shatters]
- South Gotham Exchange.

- He's talking to that
coochie-coochie gal

that works at Maxie's,
ain't he?

- Ma'am, if the line
is still busy, I can--

- That does it.
Hey, operator, do me a favor.

Call the morgue and tell them
to expect a big, ugly gorilla

and his trashy,
wall-eyed side piece.

- Yes, Klosterman


- I'm sorry, ma'am.
That line is out of service.

- Out of service?
Well, that makes no sense.

This is Nurse Harper at
the Gotham Children's Hospital.

We were expecting
a troupe of clowns

to come entertain
the children on the ward.

I'm very sorry, Nurse Harper.

I can send a repairman
to investigate if you'd like.

- Would you please?
The clowns are quite late

and the children
are very disappointed.

- South Gotham Exchange,
how may I--

- Police! Police!
- What's the emergency, sir?

- They stole
our clown costumes.

They had g*ns.
Tied us all up.

Sir, I don't understand.

- They got away
with our clown costumes.

Someone needs to warn
the Children's Hospital.

South Gotham Exchange.

Hi, it's Nurse Harper at

the Children's Hospital again.

Don't worry about
sending that repairman.

The clowns are here, and
they explained everything.

- Did you say
the clowns are there now?

- They should've just told us
they needed extra time

to bring the kids
their very own ice cream truck.

- South Gotham--
- Help! Help!

A g*ng of psycho clowns

just stole my ice cream truck.

Oh, good heavens, sir.

I'll connect you
with the police.

- What? Police?
Are you crazy, lady?

Get me Batman!

- Gotham, an ambulance
barreling to your rescue

with a severed brake line.

Join us for another tale of
life and death in Gotham City.

March 4, the Gotham City
Police Department

squirms under
the stubby thumb of brand new

civilian Oversight Board
Commissioner Oswald Cobblepot.

It was an audacious power grab

sustained by an equally
audacious promise,

that Commissioner Cobblepot
would succeed

where Batman
had so often failed

at bringing the Joker
to justice.

For indeed, the clown prince
of crime is still at large,

whereabouts unknown, and
a heist crew in floppy shoes

conveniently illustrates
the persistent threat.

The still Gotham night
is shredded

with a high-octane roar
[g*nshots, shouting]

of automotive fury
mingled with

the unmistakable sound
of insipient madness.

- ♪ Here comes the Chiller
Diller ice cream man ♪

♪ He comes from the Chiller
Diller ice cream land ♪

♪ He drives the streets
with frozen treats ♪

♪ For children who have cash ♪

♪ Here comes the Chiller-- ♪
[music fades]

- Ah, yeah.
Good shot, Batman.

Holy brain damage,
that jingle.

- We need to concentrate,
Robin.

They're going to try to
lose us in crosstown traffic.

- On darkened streets
embroidered with searing neon,

the Batmobile
gives frantic chase

to a runaway ice cream wagon.

Its crew,
a trio of fugitive clowns,

bellowing colorful profanities
[g*nf*re, shouting]

in a confusion of g*nf*re
and greasepaint.

- Keep eyes on the driver,
Robin.

I'm gonna close the gap
when the trigger man

- stops to reload.
- And clown number three?

- Make sure he doesn't try
any funny business.

Batman to Commissioner Gordon.

Gordon here, Batman.

- We intercepted the ice cream
truck as it tore out of

the Children's Hospital
parking structure.

What have you learned?

- None of the children
at the hospital were hurt,

but they weren't the target.
It was a heist, Batman.

- As I suspected.
They aren't t*rrorists.

The wheelman is a professional.

- Well, those professionals
got access

to the hospital compound,
and after they were done

handing out ice cream bars
to the children,

they loaded up the coolers
in the freezer truck.

- With what?
Pharmaceuticals?

- Donor organs, Batman.
- Holy chop shop.

- They've already
put in ransom demands.

A cool million per organ,
payable to the Joker g*ng.

- Monitor our position,
Commissioner, and stand by.

- Ransoming
lifesaving donor organs?

You could say this
for the Joker--

he knows his way around
a sick gag.

- Someone's pulling strings,
but I'm not sure this is

one of the Joker's
puppet shows.

- What is it, Batman?
- Just a hunch.

Hit them with
a surveillance round, Robin.

I want to hear
what they're arguing about.

- Targeting them
with the eavesdropper.

Firing transmitter.
[beeping]

Contact.

- Modulate.
- Modulating.

- Hey, what the heck was that?
He stuck something to the car.

- Don't worry about it.
- Don't worry about it?

What if we blow up? That's
something I worry about.

- We got a cooler of organs
for sick kids.

He ain't gonna
blow the truck up.

He's right about that.

We can't let the truck
get damaged.

I can't even hit them with
an EM pulse without damaging

the freezer units that
are preserving those organs.

- Look, the boss said
don't tangle with the Bat.

- You want me
to let him catch us, Rico?

Is that your suggestion?

- I'm just saying,
we got instructions.

- Pipe down, you two.
I can lose them.

I just gotta make it
under the expressway.

- The fools.
- More trouble, Batman?

- That driver
is headed for disaster.

A truck that height
will never clear

the North Runcible Underpass.

- I thought you said
he was a professional.

I said he was a professional.

I didn't say he was worth
what he gets paid.

Hang on.
[beeps]

[engines rev]

Time to gum up the works.

Deploy the adhesive foam
on my mark.

Now!
[whoosh]

- They're losing speed.
- We're losing speed.

- I can get in front of them
as long as

they're not insane enough
to try a shortcut.

- Hang on, I see a shortcut.
[crash]

- The truck lands squarely
in the middle of the tracks.

[train horn blows]

- Locomotive coming in hot,
Batman.

Don't they see it?

- They're wedged
between the rails.

Extend the grappling arm.
If I can grab their chassis,

we'll haul them
clear of the tracks.

- But that will seriously
jack up the Batmobile.

If we pull them loose,
they'll get away for sure.

- One crisis at a time, Robin.
- With flawless timing,

a missive hydraulic claw
is launched

and closes hard
on the truck's frame.

The Batman crushes
the accelerator to the floor,

and the ice cream wagon
wrenches free

of the rails' iron grip.

Getting to safety,
the wheelman g*ns it.

The engine roars to life,
and the truck peels out.

Escape beckons.

- Batman, the truck
is getting away.

- I see it, Robin.
There's nothing I can do

while the atomic batteries
power cycle.

- The clowns,
they're gonna--they're gonna--

[tires screech and crash]
[applause]

They're gonna drive right into
a police roadblock?

This is the GCPD.

Exit the ice cream truck
with your hands up.

Not just any roadblock,

for the wayward
ice cream truck has, in fact,

driven head-on into
a most unexpected obstacle

and is now sitting serenely
half-buried

along with its clownish crew
in an enormous pile of--

- Sand?
In the middle of Front Street.

Where did a 15-foot tall
sand pile come from?

- Why, from the pristine white
sand beaches of Santa Prisca.

Powder fine
and softer than talcum.

- [laughs]
- Penguin.

- Sure enough,
the scene has been joined

by that malevolent mafioso,
Oswald Cobblepot.

And behind him, the flashbulbs
of the press explode.

- What do you think
you're doing here?

- Why, I seem to be
doing your job, Rob.

[laughter]
Yes, so as I was

telling the "Gazette,"
it was most fortunate.

By happenstance, I had just
received a rail shipment

of this beautiful,
imported white sand

when I heard the Batman was
mis-adventuring again nearby

with some Joker g*ons.

Now, the sand had been destined
to provide authentic atmosphere

at the Iceberg Casino's
big indoor beach bingo,

but thinking quickly,
I made it available

to the police
under my direction

and not a moment too soon,
from the look of it.

- We had everything under--
- Stand down, Robin.

He's drawn a crowd
and wants a scene.

- But the organ thieves.
- Work for him.

He's orchestrated
every move of this mayhem

to make himself the hero.

- My fellow Gothamites,
now, can we say

this fanciful experiment
in law enforcement

has finally failed?

We tried the guy
in the bat costume,

and he couldn't handle
one crime lord clown.

I say it's time
to give sanity a try.

I renew my vow as your civilian
police commissioner

to bring the Joker to justice,

so that we may be spared
future tragedies

like the one
narrowly averted today.

Now then,
this sand was expensive.

What say we have
that beach bingo right now?

Mr. DeCondor, fetch us a case
of the good stuff.

Maestro, music.
[music, chatter]

- The gathered rubberneckers
waste no time

availing themselves of
the prodigious generosity

of Mr. Oswald Cobblepot.

- He's playing us
like a fiddle, Batman.

- Harvey's legal assistance
is making him bold.

He thinks he's untouchable,
and he may be right.

Now, more than ever,
I need to get Harvey

- out of Penguin's wretched claw.
- Okay, what's the play?

- So far, Dr. Jonathan Crane
has completely evaded

my efforts to
enlist his assistance,

but I've got a plan underway

that won't fail
to get his attention.

There's an old saying.

You can have a ball
in Gotham City, but eventually,

it fastens to your ankle
with a chain.

Inevitable cause and effect

in the course of
life and death in Gotham City.

all: ♪ Happy birthday,
dear Georgina ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Blow out your candles,
sweetie.

Pffft! This stinks!

- Okay, sweetie,
you're k*lling me.

You see this over here?
She's been like this all day.

- I thought you were supposed
to be a big deal in this town

and you can't even get a clown
for your kid's eighth birthday?

Big deal boss
of the Blind Mice g*ng.

What a mope.

- Hey, we talked about this,
sweetie.

She wanted clowns.
Likes to throw Barbies at them,

and now I gotta tell her--
look, I told you, sweetie.

The clowns I hired were taken
hostage at gunpoint.

It's on the news right now.
My pearl, my pumpkin, look.

- Excuses.
That's what he gives

his only daughter
for her birthday, excuses.

Not the pet lion
I begged for all year.

Did you miss that memo?

Did you need me to drop a hint
on your head?

Sweetie, June bug, princess,

how many ways
can I explain that one?

I was all set
to give you a lion,

but the lion got away
by the cat-lady.

- I hate the cat-lady.

- We all hate
the cat-lady, sweetie.

That's why daddy and
his business associates

have put 9 million
on the barrelhead

to teach her some manners.

- Well, what the doink
is taking so long?

- I don't know, sweetie.
She's got really bad manners.

Here, if you'll just let me
make it up to ya,

I got something better than
some old circus lion.

- Better?
- Way better.

A big girl birthday gift.
Here, look at this beauty.

Do you know what that is?
[paper crinkles]

- [gasps]
Wow.

- It's a honey of a sparkler,
ain't it?

It's named
the Ocelot of Paradise.

- A rock with a name?
- Yes, honey.

It's a very famous hunk

of a very rare mineral
called larimar.

This larimar can only be found

in one place in the whole
wide world,

a faraway place called
the Island of Santa Prisca.

[waves crashing]

Santa Prisca is
a very beautiful place.

A paradise...but even paradise
is home to wild beasts.

[ocelot roars]

Not just ferocious jungle cats

like the ocelot, but men.

Very bad men
who do very bad things.

And when they are finished,
they leave the leftovers

on the white sand beaches
for the crabs to eat.

You don't deal with them
and their cartel

unless it's very, very
important that you do.

Like for a daddy's
precious angel's birthday.

Oh, Daddy, it's so beautiful.

I've never seen
anything like it.

- Daddy had to smuggle it.
It's against the law

to even have it
in Gotham City, sweetheart.

And you got it for me?

Just for my sweet princess.

- Oh, Daddy,
it must be worth a fortune.

- It's worth a lot, pumpkin.
A whole lot.

- Good.
[glass rattles]

Then add it to
the 9 million on Catwoman.

That'll get the lead out.

- What?
Your birthday present?

- My birthday present
is gonna be payback.

I want to see that two-bit,
second-story job get greased.

Ruin my big day, will ya?
I don't think so, whiskers.

Not without a return
of the compliment.

- I'm so proud
of my little girl.

She's growing up.

Add the rock
to the Catwoman bounty.

My kid wants a dead cat, and
she's gonna get a dead cat.

Hi, I'm Jack Ryder.

For all you cinema loving
insomniacs out there,

I'll be hosting
the Midnight Movie Matinee

right here on Gotham City One.

Classic films
presented in their--

[bell tolls]
Oh, no. The stroke of midnight.

The transformation
is happening.

I'm once again becoming--
[laughs]

The Midnight Creeper.
[eerie music]

What is this costume,
by the way, guys?

Like, what am I supposed to be?
[wolf howls]

Join me at midnight
when I emerge from the shadows

to tickly your spooky bone
with the greatest

classic horror films from the
Golden Age of Argus Studios.

[evil laugh]
The Midnight Movie Matinee

with me, the Midnight Creeper,
only on Gotham City One.

[upbeat music]
Are we locked in on yellow

for the skin color?
It just looks sickly.

Like, almost a jaundice.

- Life and death
in Gotham City.

Epilogue.

In a flophouse
behind an incinerator,

inside of a decommissioned
expl*sives dump,

the Clown Prince of Crime
sits upon a squalid throne.

His failure with
the dark purple dawn event

has him in a weeks' long
dark purple funk.

Kept company by no one,
save his trusty handyman

Charley Charleyhorse,
the Joker spends

most of his days
indolent and listless.

But today's delivery
of the "Gotham Gazette"

has seen a little coal thrown
on the belly fire.

- Hand me some more balloons,
would ya?

And read that part again,
Charley.

- According to witnesses,
the trio of Joker employees

proceeded to pilfer a kidney

intended for Timmy Winchell,
age eight,

a liver intended for Sally--

- They got me stealing organs?
Oh, that is pure hack.

Like I'd ever--what's funny
about that?

Can you imagine me,
down in the basement

of some hospital
scooping up sweetbreads?

Does that sound like my style?

I wouldn't be caught dead
in a morgue.

- [chuckles]
Dead in the morgue.

Good one, boss.

- Oh, spare me
your charity laughs, Charley.

That was a stinker.

I'm having an off night,
and I know it.

Even these balloons
aren't cheering me up,

and brother, if there's one
lesson they drill into ya

in clown college is that
you don't wanna know

from the problem
a balloon can't solve.

Say, turn to the funnies,
Charley.

I wanna see what that
bat-mite is up to today.

Hee hee hee hee.
I love that little guy.

Have you seen
this bat-mite, Charley?

Little screwball
in a cape and mask.

[laughs]

Little guy thinks
he's making a difference.

[laughs]

[crash]

Well, hope we got
enough balloons, Charley.

I think a party's
about to start.

- Two burly galoots
with snub-nosed pistols

- suddenly rush the room.
- Surprise, Joker.

- Hey, what's the big--
- Can it, you.

- [g*nsh*t]
- [groans]

- What the FCC violation?
You shot Charley.

- Yeah, and you're next, clown.
Your luck has run out.

- You just better
hope he's okay.

He's the only straight sh**ting
ten percenter in this town.

- Just back against the wall
and don't try anything funny.

- Don't try anything funny?
So an improv show then?

You know, you could've
given me some prep time.

- Yeah, I bet you're surprised
to see us, huh?

- You're not easy to find,
clown.

Well, I don't hang around

in a lot of doughnut shops,
Officer.

Hey, who says we're cops?

- Mostly your $4 haircut and
those faux-talion loafers.

Uggo.
Oh, also, your stale dialogue.

- Yeah, well, bad news for you.
We don't work for Gordon.

- And we're off the clock
anyhow.

- Oh, I'm not confused about
what's happening here, boys.

Ozzie's calling the shots now
at the cop shop.

The bird's got a new cap
and I'm a big, silly feather.

Joker takes another balloon

and fills it at
the bright green tank.

- So fellas, I get it...
you got a trigger to pull

'cause this clown
ain't gonna rub himself out,

and thank goodness
for that, because...eww.

But real quick,
before I test drive

that third nostril
you got for me--

can I offer you boys a balloon?

- What?
- A balloon, you know?

They're fun for some reason.

They float.
I don't know.

Look, what kind of clown
would I be

if I didn't offer
you boys balloons?

- The purple orb
bounces merrily

at the end of a green ribbon,
dancing in the wisps

of acrid g*n smoke
remaining in the stale air.

- You believe this guy?
[chuckles]

Boy, he really is
loony as a moon bat.

You don't get it.

This is curtains for you,
funny man.

- No to the balloons?
Okay then.



but you're gonna wish
you took 'em.

There's a reason
they always say

never pass up
a dying clown's last balloon.

Unless they never say that,
in which case, they should.

- Pulling a very large stickpin
from his lapel.

- [bell chimes and balloons pop]
- [laughs]

- What the--
- Hey, what the--

- You think scaring us
like that is funny?

- No, I think scaring you
like this is funny.

Those balloons
weren't filled with helium.

- Hee hee.
- What's that supposed to mean?

It means the joke's on you.

You won't make it to your car.
[laughs]

- Now, you listen here,
you wise guy.

I ain't got time
for your games.

- No, you haven't got time for
this conversation either.

Hee hee hee!

You've got seconds
till you start

foaming at the mouth
and convulsing.

If you've never done
nerve gas before,

it's bracing.
[laughs]

Me?
[inhales]

I do a little nerve gas
on the reg.

- I don't smell anything.
- Of course not, you schmuck.

It's odorless nerve gas.

This is a comedy act,
and odors aren't funny.

- [groans]
- Honestly, you ever hear

someone say
this smells funny?

- [groans]
- Well, I guess I have.

That weird bologna they got

at Fenton's Butcher Shop
smells funny.

All kinds of things
smell funny. Okay.

- But nothing smells hilarious.
- [groans]

- Look, the point is,
the nerve agent

has already begun to
paralyze your limbic system.

I don't know what that is,

but I'm sweating
like a pig over here.

- You're always
sweating like a pig.

What do I do?

- Well, you could try
holding your breath.

[inhales]

- Oh, sh**t.
He actually did it.

I'm kidding.

That's the last thing
you want to do.

- [exhales] Oh, my gahh--
- Think, Vinny, think.

Open a window or something.

- Tell you what.
Let's play a game.

- Hey, hey, hey.
We said no games, clown.

- There's that
bum dialogue again.

Ugh.
Listen, you'll want to

play this game
because if you win,

I'll give you the antidote
and you'll get to k*ll me.

There's an antidote?

- There's always an antidote,
Vinny.

It's the bass clef
of the symphony.

- Reaching into
his vest pocket,

the Joker produces a deck
of purple playing cards.

Look carefully, gentlemen.

You'll never see
my fingers leave my gloves.

Speaking of which, boys,

when did manly men
stop wearing opera gloves?

Did I miss something?
I wanna blame social media.

- What is this?
- Glad you asked.

This is a very special
deck of cards I carry.

I bought this deck of cards
on my very first day

in Gotham City,
and you know what I did?

I threw out everything
but the red cards.

Kept nothing
but the hearts and diamonds

because I came to Gotham

with nothing but
love and riches to share.

- I got two red aces.
Is that good?

- I have a red three
and a red six.

- But see, when I cut the cards
and dealt

that first hand
with my nice, new deck,

I didn't realize
who I was playing against.

You know who I'm talking about.

Oh, Mr. Clubs and Spades,
himself.

Violence and the grave
dressed in black.

And here I am with nothing
but love and money.

Diamonds are awful hard, boys,
but hearts can be broken.

And so, now every time
he beats me down,

I'm forced to add
a black card to the deck.

- So wait, wait--
red cards are bad?

- I got the king of hearts.
Is that good?

- Hold on.
What game are we playing?

- I know, right?
What is this game?

Does Batman
actually think he's winning?

I think I feel dizzy.

- Because you see,
the truth is I'm in the lead

and my lead grows
every time we play.

See, in any game
with real stakes,

the winner is the one
who keeps the other players

sitting at the table
until he's made his play.

- The Joker has dealt himself
the ace of clubs.

- You got the black card.
- Did we win?

- Lotta winners tonight,
champ, but the news is mixed.

The good news is you really
caught me flat-footed

when you came in,
so I panicked and told a fib.

There was never any poison gas
in this room.

- What? But the balloons--
- Yeah, I'm a clown.

But now, the cards you're
holding are lousy with poison.

- What?
- Makes you wish you wore

opera gloves, too, doesn't it?

But no, you have to be
a sl*ve to fashion.

[groans]

- Feeling a tingling
up your arms now, aren't ya?

There's that
foaming of the mouth.

- Your knees will buckle next.
- [groans]

- You know what?
I'm not going to narrate

your symptoms as they happen.

I don't think
it accomplishes anything.

And all of a sudden,
I've got a full dance card.

- If Penguin wants w*r--
- [choking]

- Don't bother
renting rehearsal space.

We're going live in prime time.

- A cataclysmic clash of
criminal colossi?

Be sure to grab your front row
seat for the next tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

To be continued...