02x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

- "Batman:
The Audio Adventures."

[TV set clicks]
[g*nshots, hollering]

[clicks]
[Theremin music]

- No joy
in Gothamville tonight.

At the top of the ninth,
one on, 4-1 lead

for the Barnstormers
trying to put this one away.

Gotham Gaslamps star
Swat Fleischacker steps in.

Hitless today with his
57-game hitting streak

perilously on the line.

- Swat has not looked good
since the Lamps have

- been on the road, Lou.
- Not good at all.

This is not the way
Swat wanted to tee up

his triumphant return
to Gotham this weekend.

You know, Stiv, the pressure
seems to be getting to him

as he nears the winter league
hit record.

Pressure is the word.

No doubt more than a few bets
riding on Swat

- and his magic bat tonight.
- You got that right.

Heck, you're down for
10 large, aren't you, Stiv?

- You know you're not supposed
to say that on the air, Lou.

Come on, man, Loretta is
going to divorce me.

She is serious this time.

[click]
[tuba playing stutteringly]

♪ ♪

- Okay.
[applause]

Miss Yvonne Plunkett
and her...terrific tuba.

[chuckles]
How about a round of applause

for another beautiful...
and talented contestant,

but there can only be
one Miss Gotham City.

♪ She's the acme ♪

♪ She's the apex ♪

♪ Free from physical defects ♪

♪ She's our Miss ♪

♪ Gotham City ♪

♪ Ain't it a pity
most girls aren't as pretty ♪

♪ As Miss Gotham City ♪

- That's all 28
of our lovely hopefuls,

and now the judges will--
what's that?

One more contestant?

- Hey, out of the way.
One side, girls.

Hunk of real woman
coming through.

- What the--who are you
supposed to be?

- Oh, I'm custodial services,
mac,

here to mop the floor
with these leggy ding-dongs.

You call that talent, girlies?
Huh?

Thought at least one of you
would be doing

a soft-shoe while,
I don't know,

fastballing hamsters into
a wood chipper, but no, doctor.

Not a lot
of competition here tonight.

This ought to be a cinch.

- And what's with
the clown costume, anyway?

- Hey, good question.
[g*n c*ck]

Buy a ticket to the circus
and find out, mac.

- [crowd gasps]
- Security.

- Can someone--
- Sing the song.

- Uh...
♪ She's the tops ♪

[hesitantly]
♪ She's the summit ♪

♪ She's just perfect,
dad-gummit ♪

♪ She's Miss Gotham City ♪

[g*n c*ck]
[groans]

- Please take it easy.
- Yeah, okay, toothpaste.

Next time you try to carry
a tune, bring a bucket.

[microphone screeches]
Now, then.

Sorry, Gotham City, but this is
a dedicated performance

for an audience of one.

You know who you are,
my sweet puddin'.

Or maybe you don't.

Eh, that's violent psychopathy
for you, right?

So if you need
a refresher course,

you're tall,
chemically-bleached,

and handsome-adjacent,
grading on a curve.

You're the Clown Prince
of Crime, of course.

And you don't know it yet,

but I'm your number one
second banana.

I just gotta ask you
to be patient

a little longer, puddin'.

I need everything
to be perfect,

and that means I wait

till the magic bat
comes back to town.

Trust me, it's gonna be socko.

We're gonna turn a dog
into sausages.

The whole nine.

And anyhow,
what's your rush, buster--

and hey, what are you watching
this trash for, anyhow?

Aww, come on,
you don't see anything you like

in this flock of turkeys,
do you?

Huh?
[crowd gasps]

What the heck are you ogling
other dames for?

I'll show you a real woman

who knows how to commit
to a bit.

Okay, Rosso, Nero,

wheel that stuff out here.
[glasses clinking]

- Here, boss?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good.
Make sure the camera can see.

Oh, and give Nero
a sack of potatoes too.

And now, without further ado,

I'd like to show this town
and my puddin'

a real class talent.

Please enjoy as I play
George Frideric Handel's

"Water Music"
on the musical wine glasses...

[glass chimes]
While my two associates

pelt me merciless-like with
a hail of raw Idaho taters.

[water glasses chiming]
Okay, let her rip, boys.

[both laughing]
Ooh! Ow! Ah!

Not the face!
[groaning]

[laughing]

Welp, either I need to look

into an industrial-grade
restraining order,

or I just laid eyes
on the gal of my dreams.

[laughing maniacally]

narrator: Gotham,
the ball and chain

on a drowning fugitive.

Join us now for another tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

March 6th.

A series
of masterful manipulations

has seen malevolent mafioso
Oswald Cobblepot

installed
as oversight commissioner

of the Gotham City PD.

But the Penguin has learned
seizing a wriggling fish

is not the same
as swallowing it.

Having failed thus far
to make good on his promise

to rid the city of the Joker,
Commissioner Cobblepot feels

mounting pressure from cops
and citizens alike to deliver.

Meanwhile, the longer Catwoman
eludes the price on her head,

the larger the bounty grows

and the shorter
her list of options.

Silhouetted upon
this lurid backdrop,

the Dynamic Duo
makes a daring effort

to save a man from his mind.

The sumptuous guest suites
at the Iceberg Lounge

are seldom to be found
with a vacancy.

Any night of the week
sees the house at capacity

with sharps on benders,
twists having trysts,

and a preposterous array
of assumed names

filling the guest registry.

But one room is reserved

for a single,
very special resident,

or is that a famous pair?

- [knock on door]
- Room service, Mr. Dent.

Dr. Crane says it's time
for your evening meds.

narrator:
Room 222 on the second floor

is the present residency
of Harvey "Two-Face" Dent.

Having recently been
tucked into bed

with another megadose
of JoyCure,

the fractured felon
is now sleeping peacefully.

[mumbles and snores]

narrator:
But little does he know

he's put in
for an early checkout.

An impossibly sleek
black watercraft

bobs gracefully in the harbor

outside the floating
Iceberg Lounge,

and in the c*ck,
Robin the Boy Wonder

lowers a pair of binoculars
with grim satisfaction.

Robin to Batman.

Perimeter security
didn't see a thing.

- You got in clean.
- I'm not in yet.

Harvey has a dedicated
security detail.

Dr. Crane has been
randomly glitching

their surveillance all night,

so the stage is set
for me to make my move.

- Copy that.
I have the boat in position

to pick up the package.

Standing by
in submersible mode.

[submarine whooshing]
[water bubbling]

- [radar beeping]
- Commissioner Gordon is

going to light
the Bat-Signal momentarily.

When Crane sees it,
he'll disable the cameras

one last time, then I move in.

- What if Two-Face
gives you trouble?

- According to Crane,
the JoyCure

has left him almost docile,

but he's paralyzed with
indecision without his coin.

- Yeesh.
- He will comply

with almost any command
rather than be forced

to make the decision
to resist.

That will make him
easy to move,

but I shudder to think
what it means

for his rehabilitation.

First order of business is

a full medical detox
from JoyCure.

Do you have to?

I kind of like the sound
of this Two-Face.

- I've been doing research
on JoyCure.

It's imperative we get him
weaned off of it

before he develops
a dependency.

Going radio silent.
Monitor their communications

and be ready to pick up
Harvey for exfiltration.

- Batman out.
- Good luck, Batman.

I hope Harvey Dent appreciates
what you do for him.

narrator: Above the city,
across the water,

the Bat-Signal
illuminates on cue

and the Boy Wonder tunes
his receiver frequency.

- [static crackles]
- Further instructions.

Mr. Gemini is secure
under lockdown.

Repeat: Mr. Gemini
is in his twin bed, over.

- Team leader,
this is surveillance.

Go ahead.

- I got cameras out
down here again.

It's been happening all night.

- Copy that.
All positions check in.

- This is Sardine.
All clear in the hallway.

- Fluke here.
All clear in room 222.

- It's Flounder.
All secure on the balcony.

Nothing going on out here.

Bat-Signal went up
a minute ago.

- Yuh-oh.

- Somebody's gonna have
a rough night.

- [chuckles]
- Yep, sucks to be them.

- And they don't know
what's coming.

You never think
the signal's for you.

It's the odds.

900 crimes a night
in this town,

what are the odds
I'm the yegg that gets caught?

Hey, I heard something.

I'm gonna go
check it out real quick.

Heating duct's making noise.

I might have
to call maintenance.

Copy that, Sardine.

Hey, Fluke, you think

they really call him
with that thing?

- What the Bat-Signal?
Oh, no way.

That's not what it's for.
Don't kid yourself.

- But what's it for, then?
- Oh, it's a transmitter

for sub-trans-nebular
omega rays.

- You said omega rays?
- Yeah, that's what it is.

It shoots out omega rays along
a trans-nebular vortex vector.

They travel on an astral
photonic sub-frequency,

so we're probably getting
blipped right now.

- What the frig
are omega rays?

- What, are you stupid?
Reverse engineered

alien technology
from Wayne Enterprises

in partnership with GCPD.
Mind control.

Also makes you sterile.
It's why these days,

I always keep my privates
wrapped in tinfoil.

Oh, Fluke.

- Yeah, you know,
better safe than sorry.

- You know, Fluke,
you ain't right ever since

Penguin put you in
the fish tank for the weekend.

- Hey, I had a lot of time
to think when I was in there.

A lot of things
make sense to me now.

Like, you think
Batman just invents

those crazy gizmos he's got?

And the car? No way.

Recovered alien tech
from planet Zur-en-arrh

supplied to him
by black budget projects

at Wayne Industries.
Ask Sardine.

His cousin works at Wayne.
Tell him, Sardo.

[static crackles]

- Sardine,
you check out that noise?

- [groaning]
- I didn't copy--

- [strained]
Batman.

[groans]

- Did he say--
- Already on it.

Clearing evac route.
Do we have--

- Alert, all positions.
I got cameras back.

Can confirm we have been
infiltrated by the Batman.

- [alarm blaring]
- You can't be serious.

- Flounder,
he's coming your way.

- Oh, no.
- He's coming around--

He's in the hallway.

My God, he's fast.
He's--

[crashing]

We have another agent down.

Room 222, be advised.

The Batman is
moving on your position.

- What do I do?
- He's passing room 200.

- 208.
- Oh, God.

- Listen to me, Fluke.
This is team leader.

Hold position in room 222

and prepare
for solo engagement with--

- [laughing]
- What is that?

- Are you laughing?
- 212, 218--

- Get ahold of yourself.
You have a job to do.

What is so damn funny?

No, it's just...

you never think
the signal's there for you.

[crash]
[groans]

[static crackling]

narrator:
Harvey Dent is feeling a peace

that is the perfect inverse

of the coming fury
of Oswald Cobblepot.

Two sides of a plug nickel

called life and death
in Gotham City.

Who knows what evil dwells

in the heart
of the dark of the city?

One lone defender of the night,
Bat-Mite!

- [bright music]
- Hey, boys and girls.

You've seen him at the cinema.

You've seen him
in the funny papers.

Now Bat-Mite needs your help
in his crime-busting crusade.

Heed the call.

He wants you to join
the Mite Brigade.

- I'm serious.
- Tell your parents

to subscribe to home delivery
of the "Gotham Gazette,"

and we'll send you
your official

Bat-Mite junior
crime-fighting kit.

You'll get everything you need
for an afternoon

of wholesome crime-busting fun.

A rope, a mask,
a black bodysuit,

a lockpick, a pair
of custom-made handcuffs,

a glass cutter,
and a sack of smoke bombs.

What could go wrong?
[boing]

Sounds like the first mystery
for you to solve

as a member
of the Mite Brigade.

singers:
♪ He's out on the prowl ♪

♪ In his cape and his cowl ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So you evildoers
best beware ♪

♪ ♪

narrator: Gotham, a windmill

spinning backwards
on a still night.

Join us now for another tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

Two-Face floats peacefully

in the featureless void
of his deep unconscious.

[groaning]

- Don't move, Harvey.
- [as the Other] Batman?

- Sleep now, Harvey.
I'm getting you out of here.

narrator:
The last thing he remembers

is the hiss of the aerosol

and the acrid smell
of potent hypnotic gas.

But as his consciousness
slowly rises to the surface,

the sound that beckons him
is the voice of...

- a friend?
- Harvey.

narrator:
Two-Face slowly opens one eye.

He lays in a lavish
four-poster bed.

At his side, tending to him
like a faithful valet,

is Bruce Wayne.

- Well, it's a cinch
you ain't Batman.

- Easy.
Batman brought you here

to stay with me
for a little while.

- [sighs]
The last thing I remember--

now I'm--hey.

I know this place.

narrator: Slowly, Harvey's
other eye flutters open.

- [as Harvey] Bruce?
- Welcome back, Harvey.

Been a while
since you came by the house.

- Bruce, what--

what's happening here?

- You're going through
a tough time.

I thought you could
stay here for a while,

that is, if your partner
won't cause me any trouble.

- [as the Other] Who, me?
- Yes, you.

- What did I do?
- I have concerns about you.

- You also got
a liquor cabinet, Fauntleroy?

Of course.

- Then what do I got
to be sore about?

[as Harvey] Bruce, Bruce,
you don't understand,

I have a lot of work
left to do for the Penguin.

- You don't work
for him anymore.

He's got big plans, Bruce.

What we've done for him,

it will all collapse
without us, Bruce.

Do you know
what the Penguin will do

when he starts to lose it all?

Please lie back down, Harvey.

You can tell me later.

- Right now, what I need is--
- Wait, wait.

narrator:
Harvey's eye lights upon

a large leather-bound book

sitting next
to a steaming cup of tea

on his bedside table.

- This book.
"Don Quixote."

- I thought you might like
something to read.

- One man,
both a hero and a fool.

- You remember it.
- The press,

they called Harvey Dent
"DA Don Q," didn't they?

Deluded, certain to fail
in a decrepit crusade

to rid Gotham of its monsters.

- And they called me
your Sancho Panza.

I'm still willing to fight your
windmills with you, Harvey.

narrator: Harvey Dent looks
into the eyes

of his erstwhile friend.

The caring and compassionate

and strangely familiar eyes.

- [as the Other]
Say, a book this old and ugly

must cost a pretty penny.

[as Harvey] Careful, please.
This...

is a Rothchild House edition.

Very few survived
the Great London Fire.

Wait, we gave you this book.

Check the inscription.

"To Bruce, faithful squire."

No, we didn't
give you this book.

I gave you this book.

Harvey, all I need from you

is some legality
to your stay here,

to protect us both
from Oswald Cobblepot.

- What? Oh, yeah.
Of course.

[clears throat]
All right, call this number.

You know Judge Hellman?

- He's cheated me
in a few rounds of golf.

- Tell him you're filing
an emergency petition

for guardianship
under subsection D

of the Valstead Code
with expedited process

pursuant
to a physician's examination.

- Brilliant.
[knock on door]

- Excuse me, sir.
- Hey, it's Alfred.

[as the Other] He the mope
that takes the drink orders?

- A pleasure to have
your company once again, sir.

- Would you excuse me
a moment, Harvey?

- There's a car coming up
the front drive, Master Bruce.

- Dr. Crane.
He's here for his payment.

Did the film canisters arrive
from the Wayne Media archives?

They did, and they're on

the receiving table
in the grand foyer.

Shall I invite the doctor
into the study?

No, stay with Harvey.

As soon as I've dealt
with Crane,

I'll work up
the detox protocol.

Harvey will start
to withdraw imminently.

- We can't let that happen.
- Very good, sir.

- And let me know when Robin
comes back in from patrol.

narrator: In a moment,
Bruce Wayne is downstairs

opening the vast front door
of his father's home

to greet the late arrival.

- Good evening, Doctor.
- Mr. Wayne.

Thank you for receiving me
at this hour.

I confess, I could scarcely
wait to get my goodies.

- Your patient is resting
comfortably, Doctor.

Thank you for your concern.

Ah, yes. Splendid.

Are those the film canisters
over there?

- That's it--the complete
and uncut master print

of Basil Karlo's
infamous final film.

- There was only ever
one private screening.



thought they had what it took
to face "The Second Skin."

The toughest of them made it
through the opening credits,

but before the first scene
was finished,

he had put his own eyes out
like everyone else.

They say the worst part
of finding that screening room

full of eyeless men
is what blissful relief

they seemed to be enjoying,
staring at the ceiling

with empty sockets
as the tail end

of the film reel flapped
in the empty projector.

- A grotesque story
and an excellent reason

for why I'm adjusting
the terms of our deal.

Adjusting?

- I'm not letting you
take the film off the premises.

You can examine it here freely
in my screening room,

but at no point does the film
ever leave my supervision.

As you've just said,
it's dangerous.

Hardly honorable.

- And yet
it's the right thing to do.

- The film must remain here
at Wayne Manor, you said.

- Those are the only terms
I'll accept.

- What luck.
I was already planning

on staying a while,

so your terms
are perfectly acceptable.

I beg your pardon? Staying?

- In the capacity
of your personal physician.

You've got a long recovery
ahead of you.

Recovery?

I don't need
medical attention, Doctor.

- Well, not yet.
[cannister pops, fizzes]

- What--
[choking]

narrator: In an instant,
Bruce Wayne finds himself

choking on a roiling plume
of orange gas

that billows
from the coat sleeve

of the suddenly aggressive
alienist.

- What? No.
narrator: When the gas begins

to clear, a face swims
out of the acrid fog.

A hideous face wrapped
in rotten patchwork burlap.

Scarecrow.

- Oh, you poor,
little orphan boy.

What exquisite fears
you must have

in the pit
of your pampered soul.

I confess,
after you left my office,

I couldn't get my mind
off the thought of little Bruce

standing in an alley
behind the movie theater,

wracked by a fear
that, to this very day,

gnaws you raw from the inside.

Dear Father--
[g*nsh*t]

Dear Mother--
[g*nsh*t]

- I'll take that necklace
you're wearing, lady.

- You're back there right now,
aren't you?

- [coughs]
- Yes, yes, that's--

that's a potent batch there.

Very specially formulated.

Eventually, I'm gonna use it
on the Batman,

but I'm very excited
about this little test run.

[chuckles]
Now then, to the dining room.

Get the fine china out.
[crash, hollering]

narrator: Scarecrow's faithful
motorcycle g*ng, Dem Bones,

ride a dozen strong

into the grand foyer
of Wayne Manor.

- I am gonna eat your fears,
little orphan boy.

narrator: Bruce Wayne now
knows the secret identity

of the Scarecrow, but he is
brought low by the discovery.

As Wayne Manor is overrun
by the vile Scarecrow g*ng,

the evening forecast is horror
with a chance of madness.

And what of Alfred
and Two-Face?

Stay tuned for the answers
in an imminent tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

- From the distant
reaches of space,

to the phantom planet
Zur-en-arrh--

- These three contestants
will compete for cash

and fabulous prizes on--

- First pitch from Deskin.
Fastball. Strike one.

Swat Fleischacker has
struck out three times today,

and he fouled out
to Caluwe last time.

- Sorry to say the magic
in that bat might've run out.

That's bad news
if you're betting on Swat

keeping his hitting streak
alive.

And we know you are despite

your many broken promises
to your family.

Why, Lou? Just why?

- Deskin gets the sign
and--what's this?

Swat chose bunt, and now
Beltran charges down the line.

Look out! Holy mercy.

Fleischacker fakes the bunt
and swings away.

Beltran goes down as the ball
caroms off his kneecap.

- I can't patella lie, Lou.
That's gonna hurt.

- [groaning]
- That is very clever,

but the man is
gruesomely injured.

Runner advances,
Fleischacker is safe,

and the streak is at 58.

Swat's magic bat comes through
with an old-school fake-out,

and finally,
the Gaslamps show some--

narrator: Life and death
in Gotham City--epilogue.

- Gaslamps faithful breathing
a sigh of relief tonight

after rookie Toots Tully
crushed a Deskin meatball

high off the right field
foul pole for a game-winning

homerun to secure
another unlikely rally.

Final score, Gaslamps win 5-4.

And if it's meatballs
that you like,

head on down
to the new Mama Dagmar's Diner

- where every--
- Yes. Yes, Maxie,

I saw the game. Yes.
[bird squawking]

Yes, it was a close one.

Don't get your toga in a knot.
They won, didn't they?

Whatever you bet
on the Lamps tonight,

let it ride.
Double it, if you can.

Swat Fleischaker's hot streak
will hold out.

You can count on it.
How do I know?

[chuckles]

How does anyone know
anything in this town?

Because the fix is in
on the next Gaslamps game.

[laughs]

As I say, bet with confidence.

Bet the farm even, old boy.

Does Mount Olympus have farms?
I don't even know.

At any rate,
the worst odds in the city

will still pay out a fortune.

You have my word.

Oh, Maxie, you make rigging

a baseball game
sound difficult.

Nothing in Gotham City is
beyond my influence right now.

This is a trifling
demonstration of my reach.

Are you doubting me, Maxie?

You heard what?
Well, don't be ridiculous.

Instability,
in my organization?

What--oh, come now,
this isn't Santa Prisca.

This is Gotham City.

Things couldn't be better.

[phone clicks]
[groans]

Things couldn't be worse,
Mr. DeCondor!

My business partner
and legal counsel is abducted.

My crooked cops can't k*ll
a single psychopathic clown.

My empire is besieged
by incompetence!

All of my carefully laid plans
are crumbling.

And now I have to figure out

how to rig
a bloody baseball game

to keep the natives
from getting restless?

How the flying fish
am I supposed to do that?

Prithee, Providence,
where did I do thee insult?

Cool down, Oswald.

You want to be
the first penguin

to ever die of heat stroke?

Catwoman?

How do you keep
getting in here?

I am so tired of you
hospitalizing my employees.

- Relax--I'm the answer
to your sweaty little prayers.

I heard you need
to catch a clown.

You give me protection
from this price on my head,

I'll get you your clown.

narrator: Life and death
in Gotham City,

to be continued...