01x04 - Who Let You In?

[bunniefuu]

Hey, everybody,
here's Bob and David!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Good to see you.

All righty. Well,
thank you very much.

We have got a--

David, hey, David, come on,
we've got to do the show.

Yeah, yeah,
I'm coming.

Man, this is
so wild.

I know, ok, just
bring the TV with you.

Oh, yeah.

He's been glued to
that thing all day.

Ok, I'm Bob odenkirk.

David cross.

And, uh, welcome
to Mr. Show.

We've got a heck of a
show for you tonight--

some funny scenes,
some funny characters.

Uh, some funny monkey's
who have been beaten.

Uh, oh, forget
I said that.

You know, blah, blah,
blah, the usual, you know.

I can't believe this.

How does he think he's
gonna get away with this?

I don't know,
it's crazy.

David, look.

See?
Everybody's watching it.

Maybe we should
just show it.

That's what
I'm saying.

All right, ok,
forget the show.

Uh, put it on the big screen.
We'll just watch TV tonight.

There it is,
right there. That is the popemobile.

Police are in pursuit.

Absolutely incredible.

It is fascinating.

We can now confirm reports
that the Pope is in there.

No word yet on where
he may be headed.

But we do know that the
Pope is a suspect in the death...

The death of bishop
francois kurtoke,

who was found brutally excommunicated
outside his front door

just 2
nights ago.

Let's look at a video now of
the crime scene-- as you can see

a lot of blood.

It's pretty gory.

Police say they found
a broken staff similar

to the one
the Pope uses.

And also a large conical
hat, which police have

not yet confirmed
is the Pope's.

With us tonight, for
some insight into all this,

hopefully, is Pope fan and
expert, Tim mccracken. Tim?

Hello,
Ron and Terry.

Hello, Tim.
Hi.

Now, just for
clarification for us here,

you are not a
catholic, right?

Oh, no. Oh, god,
no. No, no , no.

No, i--I'm just a Pope fan.
I love popes.

All right. And you work at the
Pope hall of fame. Now, what is that?

Yes, it's located
in Canton, Ohio,

in a wing of the
football hall of fame.

Um, you know, and we have
figurines and interactive displays.

Uh, you know, you can
say a novena with the Pope,

you can damn a scientist
to hell for all eternity,

uh, ask questions
of any Pope.

Tim, what's your most
frequently asked question?

"Who let you in here?"

I don't understand.

Oh, I thought
you meant me,

the question I
always get-- oh, no,

oh, the question the Pope
always gets. Oh, ok.

Oh, all right,
that's simple, um...

That would be, um-- "Hey,
what's the deal with the hat?"

Yeah, what is the
deal with that hat?

Nobody knows.

Well, it's very
interesting.

It started with the loss of a bet
in 1674 by Pope Leopold IX.

And Nine was actually his last
name, he was the 3rd Leopold.

He loved gravy.
Right, right.

Tim, we'd love to hear more,
but I'm getting a signal here.

Will you stick around
into the next hour?

Oh, sure, should
I just stay here?

Well, you can stay
there if you want,

but we're going to be
telling more news stories.

Once again, the police have
been pursuing the Pope

for the past


Oh, oh, oh, I know, I
know. Why don't I sit there,

and you sit here,
where I am?

Switch it up.

Tim, that doesn't
work for us,

for a plethora
of reasons

that I can't
go into now.

No time.

Oh, no, no, I got it.
Ok, I got it.

I'll--I'll sit back here,
so you can see me.

Fine, ok, um...

We now know that the Pope
just made a cellular phone call

to his mother in Latvia
from inside the popemobile.

And, Terry, this is a
breaking story, the driver

of that popemobile has
definitely been identified

as 4-time
Olympic champion--

Hello,
ding-dong!

Better idea,
here we go.

How about this?

Under the desk!

Jesus.

Ahem. Uh, the Pope,
still blessing people

from inside
the popemobile--

ok!
Wait, wait!

Now, new idea, new idea.
You're gonna love this--

Tim, g*dd*mn it--

Honey, we're live!

Uh, Tim, I...

Tim, I'm sorry.

Very sorry.

Why don't you go wait
in the expert lounge?

Guest
experts of this newscast

stay at the tantamount
expert lounge,

located in the heart
of New York City.

The terrified Pope,
still fleeing willy-nilly.

Let's rejoin that chase,
already in progress.

Dudes, this chase
is classic.

Awesome.

No, dude,
it's classic.

No, dude, awesome.

Dudes, you're both
wrong, it's gore.

What? A half hour ago,
you agreed it was classic.

Well, that was then,
and this is now.

It's gore.

Classic.

What? Now you
agree it's classic?

No, dude, him switching over
is a classic move on his part.

This chase is
still awesome.

f*ck you!

f*ck you!

Uh, who let you in here?

Oh, uh, I'm here for my
music lesson. My name is Larry.

Oh, yeah, yeah, your
mom called ahead.

Oh, yeah, so,
sit down, man.

Show me what you
can do, you know?

Oh, oh, I've never
played before--

Hey, no excuses. We
all suck when we start.

Oh, ok.
All right.

Wait, wait.
Wait, wait.

Wait, wait.
Wait, wait.

Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

Whoa, dude,
you're incredible.

What?

Play, play.
Keep playing.

Wait, wait.
No.

Sweet Jesus-Marie, what are
you, some kind of a guitar god?

I don't know,
I just...

Nils, you
sound great.

It's not me, man.
It's him.

Play, play!

Oh, yeah!

I don't...

That's it!

That's it,
I quit.

I quit!

I thought
I was good.

I thought I was good,
then I met you, dude.

Then I met you.

Play, play,
man, play.

Ok.

Ok, hold on, man.

Nil's guitar shop.
Yeah.

Yeah, he's here.

Oh, that's good news.
Ok, thanks. Bye.

Hey, man, stop playing.
Hey, whoa! Whoa!

Take it away
from him.

Huh, what's
going on?

Um, you know,
before you came here,

your mother called,
and she said, like,

you had only
a few weeks to live,

and we should try
to make you feel good,

but I guess they just got
some test results back,

and you're going to be ok,
so we don't have to do that.

Oh, cool.

W-W-Wait, she thought
I was dying? Well...

How 'bout the show
tonight , man?

Gonna kick the
county-size a*s!

We're gonna
rock a little bit.

Hey, guys, what
about my lesson?

Yeah, lesson one-- never
pick up a guitar, ever again.

Well, yeah,
but I can learn--

No, you can't, you suck,
and you're wasting my time!

Nil's guitar shop.

Yeah. Huh?
Yeah, he's still here.

Huh? That is a screw up.
Hey, dude, stop him, stop him.

Ok, thanks, bye.

Hey, Larry, man, hey.
Um, play guitar again.

No!

Yeah, yeah.

Just, I dunno...

Just see if it's on.
I can't tell if it's on.

Unless you...
Somebody hit me.

Holy!
Whoa!

You're
incredible, man.

Oh, come on,
I'm dying, right?

No, no, no, no.
That was just a joke, man,

'cause we're totally
intimidated by you.

Yeah,
intimidated.

Yeah.

B-B-But the
phone call...

Part of the prank.

Face it, dude, you got,
like, a natural tonality.

That's what
I noticed.

You got an
instinctual strum.

Oh, the strum! I always
thought that'd be my strong point.

Yeah.

You were right.
So this is a prank?

So you guys
are weird?

Freaks, yeah.
Sick in the head.

Oh, man,
you guys are a riot. Ok...

Play.

Oh, yeah!

Guitar god!

Waahh!

Hold on
a second.

Hello, nil's
guitar shop.

Yeah? Huh? You
got a chart mix up?

An update?

Oh, yeah. Ok. Oh.

Oh, no.

What's going on?
Am I going to live?

How do I know?
I'm a guitar teacher.

What?

Oh, oh, ah, so do
you still think I'm

that great of
a guitar player?

No.
Yes!

But you don't
totally suck,

so don't start
celebrating.

Oh, no.

How good am I?

You don't need
many lessons.

Oh, no, how many?

A couple of month's worth,
depending on how you feel.

But there's a 20 percent
chance that you totally suck,

and you could practice for
years and not be any good.

What?

Oh, no.

Ok, I'll be the one.

All right, Larry,
listen up, man.

This is the
truth, now.

Everything up till
now has just been part

of a very funny prank,
all right?

You are the greatest
guitar player

that I have
ever heard, ever.

Oh, God, why me?
What did I do?

I don't know, man. Maybe
you were born with this.

Maybe you got it
off a toilet seat.

Ahh!

I got to say goodbye
to some people.

No, man, you don't
have time for that.

What?

No, you have
to get ready...

For the show,
tonight.

You're taking
Blackie's place.

What?
What?

Is--is this
a prank?

No, no, no.
That was a prank.

That was a joke.
This is real, man.

But, all--
joke's over?

Dead.
Totally.

Really?

You're great.

I-I'm playing with
you guys tonight?

Yeah!

I guess I'm just
gifted or something.

Yeah, a
little bit.

Guitar god!

So I'll see you at the show.
Yeah, see ya.

So rock on.
Rock on.

Yeah, wow!

Guitar god!
Guitar god!

Oh, man, what are
we gonna do?

Don't worry, man.
He'll never make it to the show.

But, of
course, they were wrong.

That night, Larry played
for 3,000 screaming fans

who'd been individually
called by his mother

and agreed to not
hurt his feelings.

The next day, he confounded
his doctor by not dying,

however, still on
the brink of death,

he expressed a wish
to attend Harvard.

The university,
tipped off by his mother,

was sympathetic
to his condition

and awarded him
a doctoral degree.

This would be his last
victory, his doctor thought.

But Larry surprised
everyone by remaining alive.

He then told of a desire
to practice medicine.

A Florida hospital, after
receiving a call from his mother,

was sympathetic.

Is he still alive?
Yeah?

You know, he's the
best doctor ever...

I-In the world.

After
extensive testing,

Larry was diagnosed
with I.D.S.,

or, imminent death syndrome.

Imminent death
syndrome, or I.D.S.,

isn't new,
but it's rare.

Uh, the victim is literally
on the brink of death

for 80 to 100 years--
a full lifetime.

And it puts others in a...

Awkward position?

No, uh,
it puts them in a...

Spot?

No.

It puts others in
an awkward position.

You see, they want to make
the victim's final days rewarding,

but they feel taken
advantage of when no one dies.

I.D.S. makes us
all victims.

It truly
puts us all

in an awkward
position.

Oh, yeah.

Just as the
poster says.

Larry's not alone with
Imminent Death syndrome.

Many famous people
have had I.D.S.

Uh, well, Juliette Lewis,
the actress, has it.

Uh, the artists,
Leroy Neiman and Christo.

Uh, Jerry Lewis struggles
with it every day.

These people are all
very good at what they do...

The best ever.

They
could go any minute.

Uh...

Novelist, Ann Rice,

uh...

Clarence Thomas, uh...

Uh, Stephen Hawking,

a "brilliant man."

Uh, Quentin Tarantino--

the actor, not the director--

uh, Hootie,

and 2 of the Blowfish...

Uh, the man
who draws Ziggy,

the man who draws
The Family Circus,

many famous
cartoonists.

Uh, hold on.

Free horsy rides--
I mean, doctor's office.

Yes? Oh, ok.

Oh, uh, Larry's
just passed away,

so we don't have
to do this.

I'm just-- I'm gonna
go watch the trial.

What about
Jeff Foxworthy?

Good evening, another
exciting day in court

in the trial
of the millennium.

In a dramatic moment, the
now infamous bloody ring

with the papal
insignia on it

was removed from
its protective bag.

The Pope
attempted to wear the ring,

but was only able

to slip it on
about halfway.

Certainly not far
enough to wear comfortably

while murdering someone,
I shouldn't think.

The jury also heard from
papal staff manufacturer,

Derrick Hummries.
Here's a highlight.

Yes,
that's one of our deluxe models.

Um, it's called
the "papal-lite."

Uh, but we make 2 or 3 every
year so it's hard to pinpoint exactly

where they
all end up.

Well, besides the Pope,
who else do you sell staffs to?

Uh...

Just Siegfried and Roy.

Devastating testimony
for the prosecution.

It would seem so, but
a recent poll indicates

that 85 percent of the public
believe the Pope didn't do it,

even if he did.

Numbers don't lie.

They can't .

Anyway, the judge
has allowed for

the sequestered jury to
enjoy some entertainment.

As you know, last week,
funnyman Tom Arnold

came to their
hotel rooms and

entertained them with his zany
Vinnie Barbarino impression.

Tonight, they're slated to go to
a hip, happening coffee house,

where a local performance
artist is said to, uh,

do his thing.

Well, better than
thinging his do, I suppose.

You're bad, girl.

All right, uh, let's give a
big Coffee Klutch welcome

to performance
artist, uh, Spank.

Come on, man.
Come on.

And we don't
need this. Ok.

Give me your tired, your
poor, your huddled masses,

yearning to be free to work
in sweatshops for pennies

from sea to shining-with-
a-topcoat-of-crude-oil sea.

Statue of Liberty
rusting in a polluted harbor.

Liberty? American Liberty?
How do I spell "america"?

A-m-e-r-i-k-k-k-a.

Chrysler k-car.

Carcinogen.

Gin and juice because you,
Statue of Liberty, and you, America,

and you, Mother Goose,
are nothin' but a f*ck',

lyin' b*tch wh*re!

Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

Is that a bad
word to you?

Did I offend you?
Is that a nasty bad word?

Let me tell you some words
I think are bad--

Iran-Contra, Whitewater,
Watergate, gate-gate.

America, you sh*t
on us every day.

You sh*t on us?

Uh-uh, baby, guess what?

I...

sh*t...

On you.

Yeah!

Yeah, here it
comes, baby.

Here comes
the sh*t storm.

Artie. Artie.

What?
Come here.

Get the blanket.

Are you
embarrassed?

No, I'm just...

I don't see
anything. Are you...?

Did you eat?
Yeah.

I had the--the chili.
The, uh...

The black-bean chili,
like you said.

Yeah, yeah, well you gotta
have fiber, too, you know.

I had that Newton.

Fig Newton?

All right,
get outta here.

All right, all right.
Ok, b*tch,

All right, all right,
you asked for it now.

Ok, you piss
on us, huh?

No...

I piss...

On you!

Let it rain!

Ahh.

Here it comes!

The golden piss...

Of my people!

Did you drink
something?

You gotta have
caffeine, man.

All right, all right.
All right.

I'll get some
next time, you know.

Some coffee--
get outta here!

All right,
ok, lady,

all right, that's all
you wrote.

That is all for now,

because...

This is it! Here it
comes! Ready? Here it is!

All right, all right,
b*tch, now, get ready.

Get ready, lady.

Lady america,
open wide, b*tch!

Open that bitchy
mouth of yours, 'cause...

Milk, milk,
lemonade!

Round the corner,
the fudge is made!

Ye 'olde fudge shoppe--
open for business

and fudging on you!

g*dd*mn it,

I can't sh*t!

This is wrong.

How can you people

just sit there and
watch this injustice?

I will not rest until
this flag is shat upon!

In the name of my father,

and in the name
of truth,

I will fight on!

Objection your honor,
he's using an Irish accent

to evoke sympathy.

Sustained.

Mr. Spank, just use your
normal strident tone, please.

Yes.

I'm a taxpayer, who makes
a living-- a good living--

sh1tting on things--

Money, religious
icons, what have you.

But my rights have
been trampled upon,

and that flag
is the cause,

and it should be
put in jail!

Order!

Your honor,

I call to the stand

a leading flag expert.

All right,
I need a flag expert.

And I need an expert
on donkey basketball.

All right, and
I need a hooker.

I mean, I need an
expert on hookers.

Good, that's gonna
do it, thank you.

Sir?

Hi, um...

Have you got
anything for me today?

Sorry, kid.
All full up.

Please, please.

I can be an expert
on anything.

Just give me
a chance. I--

I work hard. My
family is very hungry.

I'm very hungry.

Well...

Can you handle
"10 ways to please your man"?

Come on.

♪ Well ♪

♪ the expert
truck's a-comin' ♪

♪ comin' to your town ♪

♪ the expert
truck's a-comin' ♪

♪ comin' to your town ♪

♪ comin' to your town ♪

♪ well the e-truck
keeps a-rollin' ♪

♪ movin' them experts
up and down ♪

All right,
here's the flag.

Flag expert,
let's go.

Atta boy.
Next stop.

Movin' out.
Bye-bye.

You know
what I mean?

I knew it when
I was 13 years old.

That's when I knew,
you know, I mean...

I mean it has nothing
to do with --with...

Greatness.

Oh.

Ha, ha.

Here we go.
Hi.

Hello.
Hello.

Well, in my
expert opinion,

Mr. Spank was
rendered constipated

by the combination
of colors in the flag.

Ha, ha, so...

You're saying the flag
was the cause--

because, as in, before,
as in, forefathers.

Ha, ha. Not my
fathers, man.

No-h*-h*!

Mr. Spank, could you say that
in the form of a question, please?

Yes.

Sir, would you please
tell the court your theory?

Well, if you'll all take
the magic pills I've provided,

I will show you
my theory.

The chair recognizes
Thomas Jefferson.

What
about me?

f*ck you,
Gwinnet!

Who let you
in here?

Ahem, gentlemen,
about this flag business--

A nation is
its flag.

And I will not stand by
while some group

of ye olde
performance artists

defecates upon it.

Ideas?

Mr. Franklin...

Can't we just put
the flag up on a pole,

where no one
could get to it?

Lunacy! How would
we ever get it down?

Oh!

Uh, let's make it
against the law

for human beings
to touch the flag.

How would we
carry it around?

Well, all flags will be
transported by monkeys.

Monkeys don't sh*t
on anything.

Visit the zoo, Gwinnet.

Oh, no. What if we
have only one flag,

and it's locked
in a safe?

What if people make counterfeit copies
of the flag and desecrated those?

Wh--that--

That's simple, we don't
tell anyone what it looks like.

Oh.

I like that.

Gentlemen!

What a collection
of assholes!

All right, listen.

Everyone go home and think
about this. Come up with something.

We meet back here
in one week.

Ooo-oh.

Founding fathers-A!
Founding fathers-O!

Founding Fathers,
Founding Fathers, go, go, go!

Wonderful.
Dogpile on Gwinnet!

One week later...

There, that's done.

Now...

Let us hear what everyone
has come come up with.

Mr. Lincoln...

Oh, me,
pretty please. I--

all right.

Button Gwinnet
from Georgia.

I made this flag.

It worked great.
People sh*t all over it.

You idiot!

The opposite is what
we want, my dear Button.

What smells?

Ah, h*-h*.

My perfect flag.

It's made of sh*t.

Gentlemen, who would
sh*t on a flag made of sh*t?

It would be an
empty gesture.

Hey, put your poo box
away, all right?

Gentlemen, I've done
careful studies...

And produced this.

It mixes the colors
red, white and blue

in such a combination
that a signal is sent

to the brain, cutting off
all lower G.I. Functions.

My goodness, Lincoln,
will it work?

Just try it.

Gentlemen, there you sit,
broken hearted.

All right, Lincoln,
you've made your point.

It works.

You're a genius.

But tell me,
why the 50 stars?

Each star represents a Playmate
that I've slept with.

Anyway, this design makes
it virtually impossible

for a performance artist
to desecrate the flag

in any such manner.

So that's how they
chose the colors,

because Lincoln helped.

Um, so do I
get the job?

No. No, you don't
get the job.

How old are you?



No.



No, no.



Why do you want
this job?

Because it's easy.

You don't have to know
anything about history.

Yes, you do.

You have to know
everything about history.

Ok.

Well...

Good-bye.

Cool.

Museum of history,
can I--

yes?

He just left.

What?

His mother?

Imminent Death
Syndrome?

Hang on a second.
Hey, guy.

Whoa, hold up.
Hey, whoa.

What?

Museum of history,
can I help you?

No, you can't bring
a class of students down here.

This is a museum,
not a baby-sitting place.

New exhibits?

Ok, well,

we've got some
pens and pencils,

and, uh...
A telephone,

and, uh, an
information sign,

and a television set.

We leave you now with
that gruesome footage

of a double m*rder caught
on tape in Los Angeles.

Cool.

Oh, man, classic.

Awesome.
Look at that.