02x01 - Now Who Wants Ice Cream?

[bunniefuu]

tonight's mr. Show
was filmed in a cabin
in the woods .

it's our cabin.
it's our property.

leave us alone.

[ Audience applauding ]

hey, everybody,
it's bob and david !

Thank you very much.
Welcome to mr. Show.

I am bob odenkirk.

And i'm david cross.

[ Audience applauding ]

And...Thank you...

We have an interesting
Show for you tonight.

David, you're not backin'
Down on me, are you ?

No way, bob.

Comtata mim miata.
Comtata mim miata.

One country,
One nation,

[ Both ]
One singular sensation.

That's right.

As of tonight,
We are no longer party

To the de facto
Corporate prost*tute

Calling itself
"The united states."

mr. Show is a
Sovereign nation !

We are a sovereign
Nation !

Yeah !
Ha, ha !

Ok.

All right.

This is gonna be
A lot of fun, now.

The fbi has surrounded
The building,

And, uh, we've got
Some great scenes.

And we've got a stockpile
Of food and bibles

That should last
About 3 weeks.

That's if we go easy
On the bibles.

I think you know
What i mean.

Oh, another thing.
Listen...

If you're gonna
Go outside

And talk to the fbi
Or the jew-run media...

[ Audience laughing ]

Do us all
A big favor, ok ?

And wear a beard
And a beer belly,

Just like david's
Putting on here.

Ok, now we don't
Have enough bellies
For everyone,

So we're asking you guys
To drink beer, ok ?

"D.I.Y.,"
"Do it yourself"--
That's our motto, you know.

Ok, i will be a
Spokesman for the group,

And i promise i will
Not be unruly

And i will not listen
To reason, ok ? You know--

Jill ! Oh, my god !
What's happened ?

They shot tom !

Bob, david, they
Shot tom ! Why ?

Jill, tell us exactly
What happened.

Tom was just sh**ting
At them, and then
They shot tom. Why ?

[ Audience laughing ]

I'm going out there !

David !

[ Audience laughing ]

Do, go !

Get off my land !

Get off my property !

Leave me alone !

Liberal
Jew-run media !

Hbo--hebrew
Box office !

Y'all leave me !

That's the scene here
On day 16 of the
mr. Show -down.

The facts remain as they
Have from the beginning--

Very little
Has changed.

We're still waiting for
Information from either side.

All we know is
That federal agents

Have surrounded
This remote cabin.

No word on how many
People may be involved,

Or what their
Demands might be.

There is a total
News blackout.

It's a tense and unchanging
Situation. Brinks ?

Harmon,
This is brinks.

How much longer
Do you think they
Can hold out ?

i don't know that.
we have no new information.
i just can't say.

Can you take
A guess ?

At this time, that
Would be premature.

Harmon, this is brinks.
How 'bout a guesstimate ?

ok, you want me
to guess ?

100 million days,

Or maybe 10 more minutes,
Somewhere in there.

I just can't say.
Don't know.

What do you know,
Though, for sure ?

Harmon, this is brinks.
Now, i've been asking--

I know, i know,
I know. Look...

What do you want ?

Are the federal agents
Planning on using force ?

i don't know !
maybe this tree knows !

Tree, excuse me, uh,
Can you predict
The future for me ?

No ? Can i check back
With you every
2 minutes for 16 days ?

Great, thanks !

look, when i say
there's no
new information,

that means there's
no new information.

i'm not trying to hide
anything on you, ok ?

You didn't tell me
About that party.

this is a national
news story.

that was a bris.
it wasn't even a party.

Ok, well, i guess
That's different
Then. Ok, fine.

ok, good.
good-bye !

thanks, you know,
check back
with me again !

Don't wait for it,
'Cause maybe i won't.

Who knows ?
Maybe i won't.

good, i'm glad !

Good,
I'm glad, too !

good, i'm glad
for you !

Well, i'm gladder
Than you are.

[ Audience laughing ]

Man...

Man, that guy
Is unbelievable.

Well, there's
Your news.

I'm brinks peterson,

And this has been
The peterson family newscast.

Trying to get
The news to you

Without making a big
Production out of it.

We leave you tonight
With that footage

Of that
Thrilling miracle

From sao paolo brazil,
"The spitting madonna."

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Announcer ]
you're watching
Thrilling miracles,

the show that gives you
the latest

scientific and
technological breakthroughs.

[ Audience applauding ]

now here's your host,
pat franks.

Hey, how are ya ?

Hey, oh, boy !

Thanks for
Comin' out !

Oh, boy, do we have
A thrilling miracle

For you tonight.

Ladies, are you
Sick and tired

Of constantly cleaning
All those pots and pans ?

And what about all
The space they take up ?

And what about all
The noise they make ?

It's too loud !

Well, tonight we
Have a solution !

Now let's meet our
Resident homemaker,

Nancy gumphrey !

[ Laughing ]

Oh !

Hi, pat, i'm really excited
About today's new miracle.

Oh, nancy, you're
Gonna love it.

Now, let's
Say hello

To our excitable new friend
From across the ocean,

Ernie !

[ Audience applauding ]

Oh, my !

[ With english accent ]
Allo, allo, pat !

Good to meet
You, nancy.

Are you ready
To hear about

The most exciting
Breakthrough

In kitchen technology
In this century ?

[ Pat ]
I know i am !

Great.

It's the pantastic
New 8-in-1 super pan !

[ Audience applauding ]

Well, ernie, nancy,

I had an opportunity to
Meet the pan backstage,

And i can't wait for you
To show it to nancy.

Now i'll be back in
About 10 minutes.

I gotta go
Take a crap.

Bye-bye !

Bye, off you go !

[ Laughing ]

He's gone now,
Nancy.

Now it's just
You, me and the pan.

[ Audience chuckling ]

Nancy, come
Over here...

Aah, look at all
These pans, nancy !

Wow, oh !

Look at this, you've got
A saucepan for hubby,

And a fry pan
For granny,

And a boiler pot
For auntie sue,

And the pans
Won't shut up !

Wow, there's
So many.

That's right.

That's exactly right,
Nancy, you're so smart !

Now, it's time to
Throw them all away,

Because look what
I've got right here...

Wow, what's this ?

What are
You doing ?

The super pan !

[ Mocking ]
The super pan,
The super pan.

I thought i said
It was time to throw
The old pans away,

I'm not sure.
Did i ? Yes, i did.

Maybe she just
Doesn't listen.

Throw them away !

Do you want to meet
The super pan ?

Listen to this, folks.

The super pan was
Developed by astronauts

Who quit the space program
To devote their lives

To developing pans !

[ Audience laughing ]

It bakes,
It boils,

It fries,
It broasts,

It brakes,
It froils,

And it bribles !

[ Audience applauding ]

And the best part
Of it all...
The best part of it all...

Nancy, do me
A huge favor...

Shh !

Listen.

Quiet as a
Church mouse.

It's not telling
You what to do.

Pans don't tell
You what to do.

Ouch !

Don't worry
About that, nancy !

Come along with me !

Look at what
We've got here.

I've got a
Super pan

That has been heating
Up on the stove

For over 9 hours.

Wow.

I'd say that's
Pretty hot.
Yeah.

But do me a favor.

Put your
Hand in it.

[ Audience laughing ]

It's hot, though.

How do you know
If it's hot if you
Haven't touched it ?

Seems like
It would be !

Do you want to see
Her touch the pan ?

Yes, you do !

Come on, do it !
Come on, nancy.

Come on, girl.
Come on.

[ Screaming ]
[ Laughing ]

Oh, nancy, the super pan
Is not magical.

It will burn you.

[ Audience laughing ]

You shouldn't
Listen to crowds,

And you shouldn't
Listen to pans.

Look at what we've
Get here, nancy !

Another super pan--
This one's burning
With milk !

No one likes burnt
Milk, do they ?

I don't think so.
Do they ?

I don't think so.
Do they ?

Do they ? Do they ?
Let's find out !

[ Screaming ]

* Look at her go,
Look at her go *

Shh, shh, that
Man's gone now.

That man's gone now,
That's ok.

Shh, he's gone.
What happened to you ?

I don't know,
The super pan--

Ah, duh, duh, duh--
You're not making
Any sense !

Oh, my god, nancy.

Oh.

If you could only
See what i hear.

Upon the night...

Betwixt earth
And flesh...

The grinding of souls
Whispers a tale

Of how the
Dead do dance.

[ Groaning ]

Ernie !

Be smart !

How's it goin' ?

Pat, i've been busy
Telling nancy

All about the
Super-quiet super pan.

Great !
Ahh !

Nancy, wouldn't
You say

It makes work in the
Kitchen a lot easier ?

[ Whimpering ]

[ Audience laughing ]

Nancy, what
Happened to you ?

I fell down
The stairs.

[ Audience laughing ]

Ok.

Pat, it's true.
She fell down the stairs.
She's clumsy.

Ernie...

Ernie, come over here.

What is it, pat ?
Over here.

I am here.
Right here.

And bring the pan.

Pat...

She didn't believe
Me when i said the
Pan was super.

She said
Pans talk to her--

Shut up, ernie !

Oh, pan, pan,
What are we gonna do ?

You were out here.
You saw everything.

What do you think
We should do
With ernie, hmm ?

Pans don't talk--

Shh !

Uh, oh, ok.

[ Laughing ]
Ernie, the pan
Wants a kiss.

[ Laughing ]
Pans don't
Want kisses !

Yes, it does.
Kiss the pan.

Kiss it,
Kiss the pan !

Kiss the pan !
Pan kisses you !
Kiss the pan !

I don't want to--
Kiss the pan !

Pan kisses you !
Kiss the pan !

I don't want to !
Kiss the pan !

Pan kisses you !
Kiss the pan !

Nancy, come on,
We've got to
Get away ! Fly !

Kiss it !

[ Whimpering ]

Come on, nancy, fly !
You can do it !

He will kiss
The pan !

[ Screaming ]

[ Thudding ]

Ooh ! Oh, nancy,
You cannot fly.

Only british people
Can fly.

You shouldn't
Try to fly,

And you shouldn't
Listen to british people.

Come along, kids !

Wow !

[ All ]
* There's a world above,
Come fly with me *

* A magical, fantastical

* Miractical,
Spectactical world *

* If only you were british
You could see *

* A wonderful-tastic
Incredible-astic *

* World inside
The clouds *

Yay !

[ g*nsh*t ]

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, no,
A british fella.

Oh, man.

Dougie ?

Hey ! Get off my land !
Get off my land !

It's ok, dougie.
You win.

Yeah, he's right.
You won.

The united states
Government recognizes
Your independence.

Huh ?

Dougie, you
Wore us out.

It's true, the governor
And the president
Were contacted,

And they don't care.

If you want to be a country,
It's fine with them.

Really ?

Yeah, all you gotta do
Is sign here.

Just sign this ?
That's it.

That's it ?

That's it.
We'll see ya.

Take it
Easy, guy.

President.
King.

Well, 'bye.

[ Agent ]
Show's over, ladies !
We're pullin' out.

Get off my land.

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Dougie ]
it was hard at first,
sayin' good-bye,

not havin' anybody
on my land.

but i'd gotten what i wanted--
total freedom.

i even called my new country
"newfreeland."

i made my own money,
which i used to pay myself

for groceries, which i
gathered from the forest.

[ Audience laughing ]

i set up a legal
court of law.

my dog was placed
under house arrest.

i decided that my nation
needed an anthem,

so i hired a lady
from the city

to come up
and write one for me.

[ Disco music playing ]

* get

* off my land

* get

* off my land

* we can find love

* love is on our land

* with the man

* in our hands *

i didn't like it, but it was
nice to have a visitor.

it was a quiet, hard life
and kind of lonely.

so one day, i packed a bag,
closed up my country,

and went off
to visit...

america !

america was truly
the land of plenty.

everything a fella
could ever want...

food stacked
high as a tree,

sizzlin' steaks
and creamy cakes.

and a friendly robot
that counted it up.

[ Audience laughing ]

i had the best time
of my life,

and never
wanted to leave.

and then, i made the boldest
decision of my life.

All right,
Sir, let's get
This straight.

Where are you
Coming from ?

Newfreeland.

Where is that ?

Montana.

So you're already
A u.S. Citizen ?

No, i told you,
I'm from newfreeland.

[ Sighing ]

I'm requesting asylum

In this great country,
The united states.

Look, i can't
Help you, sir.
I don't know--

Please, here,
Take this. Here.

What is this ?

It's everything i have.
It's everything
In the world.

Ok, shut up, shut up,
Just move along.

Thank you.

All right,
Just go. Next ?

Passport.

Oh, man !

Bein' back in the u.S.
Is a bummer, man.

Yeah.

Bein' in amsterdam
Was awesome !

Yeah, f*ck'
Cheap, legal weed !

What more
Do you want ?

I know.
Hey, uh...

Where did you
Put your stash ?

Oh, man,
Check it out.

I put it
Inside baggies,

And then put baggies
Inside my shampoo.

That way, the dogs
Don't smell it.

Foolproof plan,
I think.

Wow, nice.

Yeah. What did you do
With your stuff ?

Uh, i got it all
Under control.

Next ?

Passport ?

Yup.

Where you
Comin' from ?

Ah, england.

I mean that's where
My flight was.

'Cause i missed
My other flight.

But you know, a-a-all over
Europe, up and down.

Up and down ?

Yeah, you know,
Up and down,

All around,
You know.

Upper places,
Take a train
To lower places,

Like italy,
And then...

Also, up, too.

I see you went
To amsterdam.

Amsterdam...
Oh, you mean holland ?

Right.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, um...

Yeah, i was in italy,
And i shampooed
Up to holland.

[ Audience laughing ]

I'm sorry,
You--you what ?

Took a train.

You had a
Eurail pass ?

Yeah, i had
A shampoo...Pass.

[ Audience laughing ]

Ok, do you have
Anything to declare ?

What do you mean ?

Did you purchase
Anything overseas ?

Well, yeah, i mean,
You know...

Just stuff i needed,
You know--

Shampoo...
Baggies...

I mean, you know,
Baggies for
The shampoo...

To put inside
The shampoo--

To put the shampoo
Inside the baggies,
You know,

So i could have
It with me

When i was out and about,
You know, to travel, and...

But, you know, that, uh...
Was there anything else ?

No, that was it,
You know, just shampoo.

All right, did you purchase
Any fruits or vegetables

Or perishables ?

Just shampoo.

Ah, it's apple-scented.
That's why i said that.

'Cause, uh, um...
Does that count ?

I was wondering. Is an apple
A fruit or a vegetable ?

You know, you bite it,
Is that the seed rule ?

But i don't know...

That doesn't count, sir.

Great, shampoo.

What ?

Ah...

I just said "shampoo,"
Because, uh...

It...Says that on
Your nametag there.

No, it doesn't.
My name is keith.

It--it--there--
There it is !

Ha, ha !
Caught you lookin' !

[ Laughing ]
That's a game.

I win !

All right, so is this
All your luggage ?

Uh, yeah.
No, i mean...

This is all i have.

I don't know.
Why ? Should i
Have more ?

I mean, you,
What's going on here ?

You're askin' me
A lot of questions,

You know, i mean,
What is this,

Some sort of
Shampoo court ?

I mean, i don't know
If you're watchin' this,

But everybody's
Seein' this guy
Shampooin' me here,

You know, i mean,
Last time i checked,

It was ok to travel
Around europe

And get as much
Shampoo as you wanted.

What happened to
My shampoo rights ?

It's ok, sir,
It's all right.

Don't try to shampoo
A shampooer.

It's all right,
Sir. You can go.

Shampoo !

[ Audience laughing ]

Next.

Passport ?

Where you
Comin' from ?

I was in italy,

And then i took a balloon
Up my a*s to spain...

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Audience applauding ]

Ahem.

All right,
You can go.

Next.

[ Announcer ]
have you seen
this man's a*s ?

it's wanted for smuggling over
20 million pounds of narcotics

into america.

if you've seen it, call our
crime-stopper hotline.

also, have you
seen this man ?

he's wanted by
crooks everywhere

for trying to stop crime.

His name is...Me !

Crime !

[ Audience clapping ]

Hello.

I'm f.F. Woodycooks.

On take back
the streets tonight,

We're gonna shake
The crime stick !

[ Audience laughing ]

At 2 cuckoo birds who
Thought they could get past

A trained private
Security agent.

[ Woodycooks ]
on the night
of may 14, 1994,

2 goofs broke into
a storage facility

on the outskirts of chicago.

We gotta take
This guy out.

But we gotta
Do it quietly.

this residential neighborhood
wouldn't take kindly

to a noisy ruckus,
or loud horsin' off.

the security guard, an
ex-chicago police detective

with over a year
of street smarts,

was no lay-down sally.

Ow !

Ah--ow !

Shut him up !

[ Shouting ]

in a flash,
the lion-hearted guard

transformed himself
into a human alarm.

[ Shouting repeatedly ]

[ Shouting repeatedly ]

Stop it, stop it !
This isn't working !

Do you mind ?

Shh ! Shh !

[ Whimpering ]

it seemed as though the
guard had been subdued,

when one of them made
a crucial mistake.

[ Cracking ]

Ow !

The back of my
Hand, ow !

Knock it off !

We will !

We will !

No, no...

It's ok, what's
The matter ?

He hurt me.

I know he did.
He's mean, isn't he ?

It's ok.

the guard knew he needed
to conserve his energy,

and had had
a large dinner,

and used his natural
drowsiness to his advantage.

[ Audience chuckling ]

Shh !

He's asleep !

Oh, good, good !

the 2 birdbrains were lulled
into a false sense of security

by the sleeping guard,

who even then was
concocting his masterstroke--

stroke--masterstroke.

[ Whimpering ]

[ Yelling ]

Jesus,
He's dreaming !

Shut that baby up !

[ Crying ]

We gotta
Wake him up !

Ahh !

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Sirens wailing ]

Oh, jesus !

the jig was up.
the guard had won the day.

[ Guard ]
They were hitting me
With their hands.

That one was--

That one said something
To me, also.

Crimefighters,
Take note.

The dunderheads'
Best friends are silence.

By screaming
Loudly and often,

And playing
The "nap card,"

The guard had torn their
Plan into 2 pieces...

Bad and worse.

You said it,
Crime stick.

Those two were
A couple of ding-a-lings.

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, one more thing--

That wily guard and i
Shared a name...

Me !

Now, who wants ice cream ?

If you want to learn
More about how to take
Back the streets,

And how sweet
Ice cream is,

Visit any one of
My 3 ice-cream
Precinct locations.

[ Announcer ]
f.F. Woodycooks
ice-cream precincts

are the official
ice-cream suppliers

of the first annual
independent nations games.

and now we return
to the opening ceremonies.

[ Trumpets playing ]

And we are back with
The opening ceremonies

Of the independent
Nations games.

This is exciting.

Sure is.

You know, the fbi's
New policy of
Conceding to separatists

Has led to the
Formation of so many
Little countries,

And that's led to these
Wonderful games.

They are
Wonderful, bob.

These are new
Countries, they're
Small countries,

Some of them
Have only 2
Or 3 people,

But their
Competitive spirit
Surely looms large.

Indeed it does.

Joining us now
Is the ruler
Of newfreeland,

And also a
Recent emigre to
These united states,

Mountain dougie !

Good to have
You, mountain.

Good to
Have you.

I love this
Country.

[ Laughing ]

So do we.

All right,
Back to
The athletes.

Representing
Freemania, that
Is chester hasbro.

He'll be competing
In 3 events,
Chester hasbro--

The discus,
The pole vault,

And the common-law
Wife swap--

Always a very
Important event.

He's a
Good man.

He is a good man,
I'm sure he is.
And next to him,

We've got gary
"Better-be-wary"
Vendermeer,

From the new
Republic of gary.

See the "g" on
The flag ?

Gary's gonna
Be competing
In the tumbling,

The threatening,
And the 400-meter
Food hoard.

Hmm.

Now, gary's from
The state
Of montana.

Oh, they're
All from
Montana, bob.

Oh, don't tell
Them that !

[ Both laughing ]

[ Audience laughing ]

Y'all are
Pretty funny.

Y'all real funny.
Keep makin' jokes.

I tell you what,
Let's go to
The competition,

'Cause it's already
Started, all right ?

With the uneven parallel
Bars competition.

Yes, this looks to
Be hank dobson,

From the
Brand-new country

Of "hank dobson's
Mini-mart and country."

That country's
Open 24 hours.

Oh, he looks
Primed to go.

He looks good.

Now, that country's only
Been around for a few days

And already has a rich
And storied history.

They sure do,
And their tourism
Industry is booming.

Look at him
Up there !

He looks like this is
His 4th or 5th olympics.

It's his first.
Watch the beard.

What do you
Call that ?

Watch the beard.
That is a kubayachi.

And that's a
Bounce-a-reeno.

Watch out.
Look out for that.

He knows he's
Doing well.

Look at him go.
He's all alone.

Doesn't need a government
To help him do that.

That's right.
The problem at
These olympics

Is many of the athletes
Don't recognize the
Judges' authority.

They just don't
Believe in it.

That's a real
Problem.

They judge
Themselves, i guess.

They do, sometimes
Too harshly.

Y'all don't know what
It's like to be judged.

Y'all have no idea.

You think you do,
But you don't.

All right.

Yeah, that's a
Good comment and,
I'm sure, pertinent.

Look at that p*stol,
He's probably--

He is winding up
For that dismount now.

Here he comes,
The big dismount--

Look at him,
Look at him !

This is gonna be...

Oh !
Yes !

[ Audience applauding ]

I have not seen
Anything like that.

Whoo, like a swan.

Wow !

Like a pregnant swan.

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Talking on police radio ]

[ Announcer ]
day 4 of the standoff
at 3228 cranberry way,

here in little
glen estates.

it's now been 4 days

since this old man
went inside his home.

he has yet to come out,
and nerves are frayed,

as federal agents
stand watch.

here now is an
earlier conversation

between the chief negotiator
and the old man,

along with a picture
of a telephone,

so that you're
not confused.

[ Hanging up phone ]

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Dial tone ]

[ Operator ]
please hang up,
and try your call again.