03x02 - Peanut Butter, Eggs, and Dice

[bunniefuu]

Hello.
Hi.

Bob and david, here.

The episode of mr. Show
you're about to see is...

Somewhat special.

Well, i'd say it's
very special.

All right.

I mean, it was named
the best very special
episode

At the very special
episode awards.

The v.S.A.S.

The "speshies."

I mean, that's-- That's
what they call 'em.

Ok, so watch it
with somebody
that you care about.

And then,

Tell the ratings people
that there was somebody else

In the room
watching it with you.

Thank you.

And good luck...

To us.

Yes.

[ Audience laughing ]

Ok.

Good ?

[ Director ]
ok, moving on.

c*ck-A-Doodle-Doo !
It's bob and david !

Hi ! Hi, donna.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome to mr. Show.

Tonight is a very,
very, special episode.

David is going to do
something very brave,

And we all support him.

Everyone come out here.

That--That's why
you see we're
all wearing

These brave-Choice,
feel-Good ribbons.

Now, david,

It's yours.

Thanks, bob.

Hi, i'm
david cross--

Now, get ready for the
highest-Rated minute

Of mr. Show, ever !
Let's milk this mother !

Bob, that's not
why i'm doing this.

I know, i know,
just do it.

Hi, i'm david cross,

I play the beloved character
of david cross

On t.V.'S mr. Show.

As you all know, the
character i play is bald,

And i'm very proud
to play this character

Because we write him
as a real bald guy,

Not--Not a bald
stereotype.

He doesn't speak
in a bald voice,

Or live in the bald
part of town or hang
out in bald bars.

[ Audience laughing ]

I love the little
fella, and, uh,

Sometimes, you know,
i don't know whether

I'm playing david cross or
david cross is playing me,

But, you know, i...

Right now i have
something i want to say.

I, david cross,

Me, not the character,

Am bald.

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Audience applauding ]

David, i'm all
right with this.

David,

I accept you,

But i don't accept the
choice that you've made.

It's not a choice, jill,
god made me this way.

Then i reject god.

[ Audience laughing ]

I'm really proud
of you, buddy.

My dad was bald
in world w*r ii.

He died wearin'
a wig.

Ok, are you done ?
Let's go check
the ratings man.

Let's go !

Let's go to
the ratings man !

* it's a merry old,
merry old, jolly day *

* and the ratings man
we shall see *

* with a h*-h*-h*
and a tee-Hee-Hee *

* he watches us
watch t.V. *

* with a clee-Clee-Clo
and a zing-Zing-Zo *

* oh, a-Ratings we will go

[ Both ]
hey, ratings man !

h*, h*, h* !
Bob and david !

How good
to see you !

Oh, my ! How
you've grown !

Oh, h*, h*, h* !
Come, boys,

Sit on my lap !

Ha, ha, ha !

Hey, ratings man,
show us the ratings !

Well, your ratings
are up this year, boys,

Because you've
been very good !

[ Bob and david ]
yay !

Hey, um,

How can you be santa
and the ratings man ?

Well, david,

When i'm checking
to see who's
naughty or nice,

I'm also checking
to see what people

Are watching on t.V.

You see, the santa
job pays sh*t.

[ Audience laughing ]

So the ratings job
covers my overhead.

So why don't you just
quit the santa thing ?

Oh, h*, h*,
h*, h* !

I love the
santa job !

Oh, h*, h*,
h*, h* !

Listen closely,

There's a guy in
the closet with a g*n
trained at my head.

If he thinks anything's
wrong, he'll k*ll me.

What are you
talking about ?

Oh, you're
a good boy !

Oh, h*, h*,
h*, h* !

I am not screwing
around, here.

This guy has forced
me to play santa for
over 500 years.

You-- You've
got to help me !

Ok.

Ok, ratings man.

All right.

We're leaving now,
ratings man...

We're leaving. Bye !

[ Coughing ]

[ Audience laughing ]

Ya done good,
there, pops.

Smart, real smart.

Now, you just keep
being santa, see ?

And never die, see ?
Or you'll get it.

[ Laughing ]

Run !

Run free !

I'm finally free !
Thank you, boys !
Thank you !

I'm free !

Yeah, we did it !

Yeah !

You idiots !

Have you any idea of
what you've done ?

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Tatiana ]
santa had been freed...

And so there was
no christmas.

It was a terrible,
terrible winter.

The winter snows came
and buried the northeast.

If you look at our
action weather radar...

You can see there's
quite a storm coming

From over here.

I'm tatiana,

The weather hermaphrodite.

[ Male voice ]
mother nature is
full of surprises.

This year, the winter storms

Have left us overstocked

And up to our necks
in c*ck rings.

At c*ck ring warehouse,

We've got the
largest selection

Of new and used c*ck rings
in the tri-State area.

Over 3 miles of c*ck rings.

Stainless steel,

Bronze,

Leather, mahogany,

Sandalwood,

And even stained glass.

And all the latest styles,

Including the dillenger,

Pheasant under glass,

The brat,

And ol' ironsides.

So follow this little guy...

Any c*ck'll do !

To route 59, just south
of santa's village,

For c*ck rings,

c*ck rings, c*ck rings.

And this season,
remember the poor.

Dust off your old c*ck rings,

And c*ck ring warehouse
will pass them on

To needy families
at no cost.

[ Audience laughing ]

That was the, uh,
c*ck ring guy.

Oh ! "Any
c*ck'll do !"

[ All laughing ]

I love that.

So, pete,
what's up, man ?

Yeah, what's
the big news ?

[ Door knocking ]

Oh, i'll get to it.

Slim ! All right.

Johnny, what's
going on ?

Well, that's
everybody.

So, what's up, pete ?
What's the big news ?

Yeah, we goin'
bowling, or what ?

Rematch !
Rematch !

No, we are not
going bowling !

You guys, sit
down. Sit down.

Now the reason,
uh, that i called
you guys here

Is 'cause
you guys...

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunting ]

...are my best buds
in the world,

And i wanted you guys
to be the first to know...

Kate and i are
getting married.

No f*cking way !

Yeah.
Get out of here.

Are you serious ?

Really ?

[ Groaning ]

[ All grunting ]

Guys, guys !
Stop it ! Stop it !

[ All panting ]

Whoa !

What was
that about ?

I--I couldn't
stop myself !

Neither could i !

You guys just beat
the sh*t out of me !

[ Audience laughing ]

Yeah.
We know.

What was
that about ?

Good question !

All i said was
that kate and i are
getting married.

[ All grunting ]

All right, stop it !

Stop it !
Stop it !

[ Audience laughing ]

It happened
again !

What is
with us ?

Super weird !

Man, did you
see me ?

I was getting
full-On jackie chan
and sh*t !

[ Grunting ]

[ Moaning ]

Don't worry,
he's all right.

Hey, buddy,
you all right ?

f*ck you !

[ Audience laughing ]

Hey, you're ok,

And that's the
important thing.

Dude,
i'm not ok.

What is this,
a f*cking marriage ?

[ All screaming ]

[ All grunting ]

Wait, wait !
Stop ! Stop ! Stop !

I lost my
contact lens !

Ok, ok. Look,
nobody move,

We'll find it !

I'm so f*cked
without it, man !

We're gonna
find it, buddy,
don't worry.

I lost a tooth !

Found it !

[ All ]
oh !

Man, that was close !

Ok, all right,

That's it. You
guys, leave.

Leave.

Hey, say
it again.

What ?

Tell us you're
getting married again.

No !

Oh, come on, give
us another chance.

I want to see if we
react the same way.

Yeah !
Me, too !

I bet we do !

No !

Oh, come on,
we're all friends !

I mean, that was
just some fluke
thing before.

Besides, it's not
a surprise anymore,

We know you're
getting married.

Exactly.

Watch. All right,
i'll say it this
time, all right ?

Hey, guys,
kate and i are
getting married.

[ All ]
oh !

[ All laughing ]

You see, buddy ?
Come on, give us
another chance.

Ok.

Um...

Kate and i are
getting married.

[ All grunting ]

Let me at him !

[ Sighing ]

I'm ok.

I'm all right.

I'm cool.
I'm cool.

That was hard,
but we did
a good job, guys.

Yeah, we really did
something, there.

We should be
proud of ourselves.

Hey,
champagne !

[ All ]
yeah !

Hey, a toast,
huh ?

To good friends !

Oh, wait. Hey, buddy,
you wanna say anything ?

Kate and i are
getting married.

[ All ]
what ?

We got a call on
a domestic disturbance.
What's going on ?

Officer,
it's cool, man.

These guys beat
the sh*t out of me.

No, everything's
cool.

Do me a favor.

Take a swing at the
copper, will you ?

I want to get things
all loosey-Goosey
in here.

My name is
terry twillstein.

I'm a camera chap
for the hit show, fuzz.

I videotape coppers
arresting roustabouts.

Recently,
i had a brainstorm.

I thought, "let's put
the show to music."

So i headed off
to los angeles

To write songs,

Using actual episodes

Of actual arrests
as inspiration.

I want you to take
this, the dust,

The sirens, the coppers,
the handcuffs,

The hillbilly-Ness,
the breathalizing,

The excruciating
arrestiveness of it all,

Of it all-- And i want
you to put it inside
your piano !

I decided to use
the actual cops,

And actual criminals,
for actuality's sake.

[ Terry ]
oh, my god !
Look who we've got.

[ Terry laughing ]

There you are, boys !

It's so good to see you.
That's a european greeting.
Come along !

Hi, terry.

Soon, tammy dobbs,

Our very first abused
wife, arrived.

You look wonder--
Oh !

Look at that,
there's a little fella.
There's a little fella.

The grand reunion
continues !

Say hello.
Say hello.

[ Audience laughing ]

At last came our star,

Ronnie dobbs,

The most arrested man in
the history of the show !

We're all here !

I want that
b*tch fired !

I want that b*tch--

Don't worry
about that b*tch !

Look what
we've got, ronnie.

Your officers...
everyone's here.

It's ronnie, everyone...

The star of the show.

Tammy.

Hi, ronnie.

I just wanted to
drop by and say

Thank you for not
visiting me in jail.

Thank you so much.

Well, i've
been busy.

Yeah, i can see
you've been busy.

You should
be proud, man.

Have you been
f*ck' travis ?

Save that-- Save
that for the--

What am i supposed to
do while you're in jail ?

Save this tension,
we're going to
use it to sing !

Ok, are you
ready for me ?

Bobbies,
my 2 bobbies.

Great, here we go,
ready with playback.

* we wear the hat,
we wear the g*n *

* we wear the shield,
but not for fun *

[ Both cops ]
* we're looking
for trouble *

* looking and driving

* and looking
for trouble *

* looking and driving

* and looking for trouble *

[ Terry ]
ok, dear, are you ready ?

For the wife's theme,

I wanted to capture
the essence of abuse,

In a jolly jingle.

This one's for you, ronnie.

* hello, 9-1-1,
it's me again *

* ronnie's beatin' me again

* i got you on speed dial

* wish you'd call me
once in a while *

* 9-1-1, it's me again *

How's that ?

[ Terry ]
that was wonderful.

We could put
reverb in there.

It doesn't
need reverb.

Yes, it does. She
needs some echo,
or a pedal--

[ Tammy ]
i think he's right,
i think i need a little echo.

Then it was ronnie's turn.

My star.

This was our
cream-Filled crumpet.

I took a deep breath
and prayed a little pray.

"Come on, sir,
you're obviously
intoxicated."

"You're obviously
intoxicated."

"Ok, that's it.
Let's go."

"You 'that's it, let's go.'"

[ Both ]
"you're under arrest !"

"You're under arrest. No !"

* i thought that my
home was my castle *

* with no one
scrutinizing me *

* no pigs, no lyin'
b*tch, no hassle *

* y'all are brutalizing me

* can't a man

* not drink his beer
in silence ? *

* can't a man not crudely
lie and scream ? *

* can't a man not control
his b*tch with violence ? *

* y'all are brutalizing me

* y'all are brutalizing

* me *

[ Audience applauding ]

How's that ?

Ronnie,

[ Ronnie ]
what up ?

That one'll do.

Well, what
the hell ?
Let's, um,

Let's go have us
champagne jam.

And in my melody,

I personified
the silent observer.

* i am a camera,
a camera am i *

He's off again.

He can't f*ck' get it.

[ Ronnie ]
god damn.

No, no, no, no.

No, no. Terry,
terry, terry.
Stop--Stop it !

You're missin' the g*dd*mn
quarter note each time !

Get away
from there !

You ain't got it !

Take the button
away from him !

Take the button
away from him !

Dumbass m*therf*cker !

[ Men yelling in studio ]

Take it again--

Terry, it's real simple.

* i am a camera,
a camera am i *

Ronnie, you're out
of line here !

This is a very
sticky wicket !

You are sh1tting in my mouth
and calling it a sundae.

Ok, that's it.
Everyone out !

I have to talk
to ronnie !

Everyone out ! He
has to talk to me !

[ Ronnie ]
stupid m*therf*cker !

[ Crashing ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Ronnie ]
i don't love you !

Uh, unit 12-13, 10-4.

Let's hit it.

We got a call. Uh,
it's a disturbance at
a recording studio.

We get this kind of
thing all the time.

[ Ronnie and terry yelling ]

[ Officer #1 ]
is there
a disturbance here ?

[ Ronnie yelling ]

We're comin' in !
Let us in here.

No, officers, he's
just a little drunk !

Did he hurt you ?
Did he hurt you ?

No, he didn't.
No-- Oh, this ?
I just fell down.

[ Audience laughing ]

Put the f*cking
weapon down !

No, this ain't a weapon,
i'm just tryin' to
sing. Just hang on !

[ Both yelling ]

I knew that behind
his artistic rage,

Ronnie loved me.

And it's because he
loves me so much

That he'd gotten violent.

He had no other
choice, really.

You don't know him
the way i do.

I--I was asking for it.

And so, it is
for ronnie dobbs

That i proudly accept
this tony award !

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Announcer ]
the tony,

The oscar,

The ace,

The world's
greatest grandpa,

The motormouth,

The biggest as*h*le
in the world,

And now, the dewey.

Live, from the opal room,

In the holiday town
center spot,

It's the cyrus dewey
awards !

[ Audience cheering ]

Good evening.

Good evening.

Cyrus dewey was
a silent film actor

Who made over


In each film, he
portrayed a character

Who was mentally challenged.

Once each film was
completed, cyrus would
give himself an award

For making such
a brave choice.

All of you
gathered here tonight

Have made that
same brave choice.

I see ben stapleton,

Nominated for the
role of billy

In the mountain too high.

[ Audience laughing ]

Brenda blinkman,

Here for her portrayal
of ginny

In a bridge too long.

Fervel lankman,

Who was donny in
the crack'd mirror...

[ Audience applauding ]

And its sequel,
goin' crackers.

There are so many
of you here,

All brave,
all award-Bound.

And now, joining us
live via satellite,

Are don tromky
and jane sweney.

Thank you. Hello.

Don and jane, it's
good to have you.

It's nice to be here.

We wish we could be
there with you,

But we're in the back
of the room, uh,

Attending the
darius mclean
awards

For actors who portrayed
people dying of
terminal diseases.

It's been a big
year for you.

It's been a big,
brave year for
us, as actors.

[ Audience laughing ]

Tell me about
the bob lamonta story.

The bob lamonta story.

It's a story
of a young boy

Who was raised by
mentally-Challenged
parents.

It's inspiring, moving,

And very brave of us.

[ Host ]
a brave choice.

Thank you.

Hey !

Hey !

Well, thank you.
I hope you can join
us next year...

Hi.

[ Audience laughing ]

Thank you. Thank
you for having us.

And now, here to introduce
the bob lamonta story,

Is the real
bob lamonta.

[ Audience applauding ]

Hello.

I'm bob lamonta.

The scene you are
about to see

Is based upon my
real-Life experiences.

I hope you find
my life story

As reminiscent of my life

As it is for me.

[ Audience laughing ]

And now, let's watch
the entire film.

[ Audience laughing ]

Come on, bob,
aren't you gonna eat ?

No.

What is it
this time ?

What's wrong,
bob ?

You get another
weird sandwich ?

Leave him
alone !

I think this
one is, uh,

Peanut butter,

And egg,

And dice.

Isn't that
a sponge in there ?

Yeah.

Damn it !
I hate my parents !

I hate 'em !

Bob, you ok ?

Everything's
all right !

[ Bob ]
but everything
wasn't all right.

My parents had
embarrassed me again.

So i ran.

I ran and ran.

[ Principal ]
mr. And mrs. Lamonta,

I'm a little worried
about your son, bob.

We're sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

There's no need
to apologize,

But let me ask you,

What's the situation
like at home ?

It's fun.

We get to run around,

And paint.

That seems healthy.

Yeah. I'm
strong.

Like the hulk !

[ Growling ]

[ Bob ]
...and ran.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Mom and dad said
i had to stay home

And watch cartoons
all day.

Did they give you
any lunch ?

They gave me some beer
and some frozen peas.

Where are
mom and dad ?

They went to your
school for a meeting.

What ?

My shoes hurt.

Well, have you tried
pulling up your
socks all the way,

Mr. Lamonta ?

Uh-Huh.

Oh, damn it !
Mom and dad,

You know you're not
supposed to leave home
without a monitor !

Hey, hey, mister. We
don't swear in here, and
we respect our elders !

You are expelled
until further notice !

I'm expelled, too !

I wanna be
expelled, too.

No, no, no,
mrs. Lamonta,

[ All arguing ]

Your son is the one
i'm concerned about.

[ Bob ]
my parents...

Running to them, or
running away from them,

Either way, it
was always them.

And always running.

Son...

Dad.

Your mother and i
are very proud of you,

We really are,

But sometimes, we can't
say what we mean.

From now on,
whenever i say

"My shoes hurt,"

You just imagine
i'm saying

"I love you."

[ Audience laughing ]

Sure, pop.

And be patient
with your mom.

[ Chuckling ]

She's trying her best.

And look at me...

Knucklehead !

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, um,

Would you wake us
when b.J. And the
bear comes on ?

[ Audience laughing ]

You got it, dad !

So, on i ran,

And run, i did,

Until i became
a world-Class running man.

And a 3-Time olympic
gold medalist.

Me...

Bob lamonta,

We won !
We won !

We win !
We win !

Mom, dad...
i did it, you see ?

My shoes hurt !

My shoes
hurt, too, dad.

My shoes hurt, too.

[ Audience applauding ]

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's all true,

Uh, except for a few
dramatic choices,

It's all true.

Uh, i'm not dead.

I'm alive.

Um...

And both of my parents

Were not Ret*rded.

My father was of
normal intelligence.

My mother was also
of normal intelligence.

Um, i never ran
in the olympics.

Um...

I did a few
walkathons, though.

Uh, did pretty well.

Did all right. Did ok.

Uh, let's see,
what else ? Uh...

Uh...

Oh ! I did have a moustache,
though, for a little while,

But i thought it made
me look g*y, so...

All right, enough of
my jibber-Jabbering,

We've got some deweys
to give away !

[ Audience laughing ]

And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.

I'm going to open
this envelope

That has all of
your names in it.

[ Drum roll sounding ]

It's open.

Come on up here and
get your awards !
You're all winners !

Bring it out here.
Bring it out here.

All right, settle down,
settle down, settle down.

All right,
john hamlinson.

Is there a
john hamlinson ?
Come on, gimme that.

John hamlinson.
There you go, hamlinson.

Larry clyde,
for tommy's story.

There you are,
clyde.

Bill hoop,
for billy's story.

Bill hoop ? Hoop ?
There you go, hoop.

Come on, please give
me that. John beecher.

John beecher ?
There you go, beecher.

All right,
who are you ?

Carl esnick,
for down driving.

Esnick's a no-Show,
who wants it ?

Who's gonna accept ?
Who's gonna accept ?

All right, here.
Gotta be quicker
next time.

Let go of my
hand, come on.

All right,
jill potato ?

Jill potato ?
There you go, potato,

Nice work.

All right,
mike yalonan.

Mike yalonan ?
All right !

Hey, you got--
All right, that's
it for you.

All right,
who's next ?
Who's next ?

Billy pitterwatt ?
Billy pitterwatt.
There you go, pitterwatt.