03x05 - Please Don't k*ll Me

[bunniefuu]

[ Audience applauding ]

Hello, sexies !
It's bob and david !

What the hell !

[ Audience whistling ]

All right. All right.

Wow !

Whoo ! David,
an audience !

That is the weirdest--
Are you guys lost ?

Y-You know,
we're doing a sho--

This is great, 'cause we're
doing a show here tonight.

Oh, man !
This is great !

Hey, you guys showed
up. Oh, man, excellent.

Perfect !

I'll tell you what,
this show that
we're about to do

Is gonna blow your
a*s to high heaven.

[ Audience laughing ]

David, david,
you know the rule.

Put a nickel in
the swearing jar.

Oh, sh**t.

Folks, we have
a fun new rule ,
here at mr. Show.

Every time
a cast member swears,

They have to put a nickel
in the swearing jar.

The money goes to
"swears for cares,"

A nonprofit organization

Committed to raising
money through swearing.

So...

[ Audience laughing ]

So, hopefully, we'll
make a little difference.

A little f*cking difference.

[ Audience clapping ]

[ Announcer ]
bob and david.

Raising money as part
of the mr. Show t.V.
Ministry family group.

And now, it's time
for "swear to god"

With the reverend
winton dupree.

I have a question, and
i know you all have it, too.

What is up satan's a*s ?

All he wants to do is f*ck
us up, the d*ck-Licker.

[ Audience laughing ]

Now, the lord said,

"I am the light
of the world."

Now, he could as
easily have said,

"I am king sh*t
of f*ck mountain.

Why would you
f*ck with me ?"

It's true,
it's true.

Praise the lord !

Now, i'll tell you what,

I'm the only preacher
with the f*ck' ba*ls...

You know this, you know--
You all know this--

To say, "satan,
i damn thee !

"You g*dd*mn, motherfuckin',
sh*t-Eatin', c*ck-Sucking',

Son of a 'b'-- Can
i get a f*ck' 'a' ?"

[ Audience ]
f*ck' "a" !

[ Camera clicking ]

Hey, buddy.

Hey, shamul.

So, shamul give
good apartment, huh ?
What do you think, huh ?

All yours, look !

Yeah, i--I can't wait
to get unpacked.

My friend, come here.

Listen to me,
my friend.

You do anything
in this apartment
you want.

Great !

You watch t.V. ,
you listen to music,
i don't give sh*t.

You have friend over,
you have party,

You f*ck p*ssy in
hallway, i don't care.

I don't give sh*t,
don't want to do.

Don't think of
me as landlord.

Think of me
as neighbor.

If i make too much
noise, you say,

"Shut up, shamul,
stop it, you as*h*le !"

Ok.

Ok, buddy.

I let myself out back.

Ok, hey, thanks
a lot, bye-Bye.

[ Speaking gibberish ]

Excuse, please.

Victor ?

What're you doing here ?

I come to speak--

Why you leave my
apartment building ?

I told you, because
the plumbing was bad.

Yes, plumbing is
bad, victor fix,
see, tools, tools.

No, no, but victor,
you-- You don't fix.

Plus, the apartment
was too hot.

The apartment is too hot,
is victor now to fix the sun ?

I cannot get up there.

No, of course not,
of course not.
But victor...

I'm not moving back.

Shamul can't
believe all his eyes.

Shamul, this is my
old landlord, victor.

Please. I see now,
what i hear is true.

Shamul sit
in apartment,

Listen to voices with
ear, i can't believe.

Shamul say,
"ear, you try
to trick shamul.

You are a dog's
ear and i hit."

And i hit,
i spit, and i hit.

No, shamul,
please, don't.

I hit, i hit.

And then, shamul come
and look, and, oh, baby,
what you do to me ?

Me ?

Perhaps shamul think you
move back to old apartment.

Ha ! Shamul !

He-- You come back !

My friend, i give
you good apartment,
and you say,

"Phooey !
I leave !"

Yes, he leave, i help.

You come !

No, no, no, victor,
please don't.

Victor fix.
Victor fix.

No, don't.
Victor, victor.

I am not
moving back.

Shamul give you two space.

It is over.

Yes,

It's over.

Ok, move your a*s
going, my friend.

I--I go, uh, i go.

Hey, buddy.

Buddy,

Someday, we
looking back
on all this

And we're
laughing, eh ?

I know, i just
feel bad because--

Shamul, what is this ?

Anwar, i explain.

My old apartment.

For 3 years, i rent
apartment from you.

Only 2 days ago i move out,
and already apartment filled ?

Please, anwar,
i explain.

wh*re, how
you explain ?

Phooey, i spit on
your explanation.

Phooey, i spit
on your spit.

I piss on your spit.

I sh*t on your piss.

I fart on
your sh*t.

I laugh at
your fart.

[ Audience laughing ]

We are friends again.

[ Laughing ]

I spit on
your spit.

I piss on
your spit.

I sh*t on
your piss.

I fart on
your sh*t.

I laugh at
your fart.

[Both]
we're friends again.

Hey, i spit on your spit.

I piss on your spit.
I sh*t on your piss.

I fart on your sh*t.
I laugh at your fart.

We are friends again.

Hey, i spit on your spit.
I piss on your spit.

I sh*t on your piss.
I fart on your sh*t.
I laugh at your fart.

We are friends again.

Hey, i spit on your spit.
I piss on your spit.

I sh*t on your piss.

I spit on your spit.
I piss on your spit.
I sh*t on your piss.

I fart on your sh*t.
I laugh at your fart.

We are friends again.

Hey, i spit on your spit.

[ Sighing ]

Dylan, how are you ?
How is apartment ?

Is air-Conditioning working ?

Good. Uh, yes
and no, thank you.

I absolutely abhor the use
of any conditioning devices.

It's a needless perversion of
an already perfected system,

I.E., the fan.

Yes, but air-Conditioning
was first thing

Victor's family get when
we come to this country.

Ah, this country
is the worst.

Bunch of
moronic imbeciles

Running around
with their shorts and
their wristwatches.

Yes, but in america,
you have, uh, everything.

You have, uh,
television set,

And, uh, music you
like, rock and roll.

Oh, oh, jupiter's
thunder, oh !

Rock and roll is the most
criminal of garbages.

It--It--It is a crutch,
it is a crutch,
it is a crutch.

It'll never
sully my ears.

Oh, the relentless
persecution i must endure.

Oh ! Ah !

The only pure pop group
that ever existed

Was the fad 3.

[ Record crackling ]

[ Narrator ]
london, 1962.

A nation on the verge of
a social renaissance,

And a bright public
relations agent by the
name of brian blemming

Spots 3 young men walking
down the queens market road.

[ Brian ]
oh, yes, the way that
they were so photogenic

Just turned me on my ear
and kicked me in the crotch.

[ Narrator ]
individually, they were

Roy crosswing, val thompson,
and neville larry smithson.

Together, they would
become known as the fad 3.

[ Guitar chord ]

[ Camera clicking ]

That same day, brian
took the ragtag group

Into abington studios for
their first photo session.

[Brian]
oh, yes, definitely,
that first sh**t

Was very exciting. The
camera just loved them.

And their images
really took to the film.

It stuck right on there,
and i knew this was
going to be a photo.

[ Narrator ]
the first photo was
an instant worldwide hit.

[ Girls screeching ]

[ Reporter ]
why do you love
the fad 3 so much ?

Because they're
so cute.

And, yeah--
And they're new.

Frightfully new.

And frightfully cute.

[ All giggling ]

[ Ambulance siren wailing ]

[ Reporter ]
what--What do you
think of the fad 3 ?

I don't understand today's
youth. In my day, we viewed
plenty of photos,

But that didn't mean we'd go
around shouting me head off !

That's bloody shameful.

[ Reporter ]
were you surprised by the
response to the photo ?

Yes, we were
all shocked.

I even
got scared.

[ Reporter ]
and how has this
changed your lives ?

Well, we can't walk
down the street without
being mobbed by girls.

[ Larry ]
and all the screamin',
it's terrible.

Yes, we
all wish

He'd stop
screamin'.

Can't help it,
still scared,
i'm afraid.

[ Announcer ]
albert hall, 1962, thursday,

And the boys make their
first public appearance
before a paying crowd.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
here they are, the fad 3.

[ Crowd screaming ]

Next, the fad 3 were off
to conquer the states.

Excuse, any questions ?

[ Reporter #1 ]
boys, how do
you like america ?

Sunny side up.

But then, during
the press conference,

Larry drops a b*mb.

[ Reporter #2 ]
fellas, do you think
your fame will grow ?

We've been photographed
more than jesus christ.

Everyone agreed
that this was true,

And the group was shocked
at the lack of controversy
it ignited.

After months of thinking
and growing facial hair,

The boys regrouped

And put out their most
experimental photo to date.

Entitled "overexposure,"

It became more widely known
as "the blank photo."

Sales were poor,

And events such as larry's
continuing car problems,

The rise of the beatles,

And an increase in the price
of photo development,

Quickly k*lled the public's
waning interest in the fad 3.

[ Reporter ]
what do you think
of the beatles ?

They're a freak act.

The 3 of them have not
spent much time together
since larry's suicide in 1985.

Val now divides his time
between aisle 6 of
the norwich kwik mart

And the break room.

He has said he would be
willing to do a reunion photo,

But only under
any circumstances.

Roy has taken the high road,

Donating his name
and ex-Celebrity status

To charities
and political movements.

Today is the first
public appearance

Of panzic pujiram,

A great man,
a patriot.

He has been on a hunger strike
for the freedom of his people.

For 23 days now,

He has had
nothing but water.

His message is
about freedom

And basic human rights.

Panzic !

If you will,
right here, sir.

Thank you.

[ Panting ]

My people have
been oppressed

And treated unjustly.

I pray to god everyday

For their deliverance, and...

For food.

I want the world to know

That i am so hungry,

I just--

I want--

I just want to say that...

I want to eat everything.

But i digress,
i digress...

There are 2 things
that would make me

Very happy.

One...

Would be

A lot of food.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

I-- But--
But more

Importantly...

More importantly,

I...

Never

Want

To drink water again.

My people are dying.

Look at me.

I used to...

I used to hate

Water chestnuts.

Now, i would eat



Everyday, people
go into restaurants

And they--They take
the condiments, and they

Take them and put
them on the plate

And mix it up and
put it in their glass,

And they dare their
friends to drink it.

[ Audience laughing ]

They--They think
it is funny.

Right now,
i would drink it,

And i would
thank them for it.

But, ok, enough of
that, enough of that.

I want to say,

Why can't this government

Change the rules of what

Constitutes a hunger strike ?

I mean, who's to say
what the fact really is ?

[ Stammering ]

Ok.

I'm sorry, i have gotten
way off-Track here.

We were-- We were
talking about food.

Ok.

If--If i die...

If i die, please
tell my people

To bury me...

In mashed potatoes, please.

Little lum-- Lumpy
kinds, with gravies,

And a gravy boat by the side,
and ya--Ya, a little yam stew.

[ Announcer ]
panzic pujiram's
hunger strike,

Sponsored by
stenson's condiments.

With over 1000
food products,

There's over
not to go hungry !

Stenson's. Mmm,
that's delicious.

There's got to
be a better way.

[ Announcer ]
hey, moms,

Have you had it
with the same old
sandwich-Making routine ?

Then try new
stenson's mayostard.

Mayostard combines
mayonnaise and mustard
into one easy serving jar.

See the yellow lines
and the white lines ?

That means mayostard
is working to save you time.

It cuts
sandwich-Making time in half.

And mayostard works
with every type of bread,

From white to wheat.

How are the
sandwiches, kids ?

Delicious.

Mmm, mom, you used
separate jars of mustard
and mayonnaise.

Stenson's mayostard,

Costs a little more,
but saves a lot of time.

[ Man ]
drudgery,

Are you a 2-Jar sl*ve ?

Well, thanks to vaunnies,

You don't have
to take it anymore.

[ g*n firing ]

Now, there is new vaunnies
mustardayonnaise.

Let's get the hell
out of here.

Mustardayonnaise combines
the spicy goodness of mustard

With the creamy richness
of mayonnaise

To set you free from

The 2-Jar grind.

Vaunnies mustardayonnaise:

It'll save you time
and set you free.

And now, with every purchase
of vaunnies mustardayonnaise,

Vaunnies will donate
save-The-Earth telethon.

It is horribly debilitating.
It threatens everyone,

Young, old, rich,
poor. Please help.

We must do everything
we can to fight
this horrible k*ller,

Dr. X's doomsday laser.

[ Narrator ]
the doomsday laser can
destroy our entire planet

At the touch of a button.

It was launched
into orbit in 1982

By dr. X, an evil madman.

If the people of the earth

Will pay me
once a year,

I will be so
kind as to not
disintegrate them.

Now, every labor day,

Dr. X hosts a weekend-Long,
worldwide telethon

To raise the ransom money.

Why do i do this ?

Why do i stay up all weekend
making this appeal ?

I could blow up
the earth right now.

I do it for the people.

Maybe my heart is too big.

If that's a crime,
then i am guilty.

Now, once again,
here's dr. X.

[ Audience applauding ]

Thank you, abby.

And we are back.

Are you having a good time ?

Yes, we're having a good--

Let's say hello to some
of the people out here.

Who have we got ?
What's your name ?

My name's nick.

Nick, hello, very
nice to meet you,

And nick, are you
from britain ?

No, i'm not.

Well, that's one of
the countries that
will be destroyed

If i choose to
press the button.

Now, what's your name,
mr. Red hair ?

Rene.

Yes, rene.

Good, now, that's
a french sounding name.

French, another land
that will be gone,

Be no more, if i choose
to destroy it.

But this is why
we're here.

So, i am wiped out,

I've been up
for 20 hours,

But i'm doing it for you.

[ Audience clapping ]

Some of you have
the right idea.

All right, very good. Now...

I want you to hear
what a poster child,

Paul keeters, said to me

During the commercial break.

It's so precious.

Paul, will you
tell everybody

What you said to me ?

Please don't
k*ll me.

Aw !

You see, this is why
i do this, for the kids.

Now, we have 4 million
dollars left to get.

We have very little time.

So, please, make that call.

Make-- What the heck ?

[ Grunting ]

Hey, what's going on ?

[ Man ]
stay in the frame,
you schmuck.

It's johnny ! Get
that shot of him.

How did
this happen ?

I'm really breaking
union rules here.

[ Grunting ]

Johnny kefalaki.

Hey, get out of the way,
maestro, i'm taking over.

Ok, let's have
a sword fight here.

[ Dr. X laughing ]

Get over here, let
me take that out.

[ Screaming ]

It says that you're
very sick in the head.

Let me be serious.
This man...

This man is the funniest of
all living human beings.

[ Stuttering ]

No.

Uh, no, i'm serious,
if i can get serious.

Folks, this is a great, great,
evil madman, i mean that.

He's wonderful.

Let's go now to chicago
and check in with
our host there.

Ronnie schmerling,
the singing duke
of beepers.

Ronnie, open up
in there.

♪ good old summer time

[ Beeping ]

Hi, dr x. Hi, johnny.

Hello, ronnie,
how are ya ?

Oh, great !

Everybody here
in the windy city

Really wants to stay alive

And they're showing
it, right, g*ng ?

All right.

We were entertained
all day by this guy,

Chicago favorite,

King of the put-Downs,
d*ck randell. d*ck !

Hey, shut up, tubby,
no one ever liked you.

All right, d*ck,
you are wonderful.

Hey, hey, you think
your laser's scary,

Let me tell you
what's frightening:

That honey-Dew melon
you call a head.

I mean, honestly,
the sun hits that thing,
kapow ! We're all fried.

All right, my friend,
i--I--I cannot help it

That i am bald, all right ?

I got the jew in the back
going, "yeah, yeah, yeah."

I got a black guy going
"what, what did i do ?
What, what ?"

I got a chinese guy going,

"We got no soup, so sorry."

I cannot stand
racial intolerance.

You have gone too far ,
and now, you two must pay.

I got a polack
with a ding-Dong and a
canadian with a ring rod.

Dr. X, no !

[ Rumbling ]

I've blown up chicago,

And now, i will
blow up the world.

Some end of the world
music for me, abby, please.

[ Music playing ]

[ Beeping ]

Dr. X, please,
give us time.

No, johnny, it is too late.

That is all.

[ Beeping ]

When this hits zero,

[ Female voice ]
t minus 60 seconds.

The earth will
be no more.

I'll miss many of you fools,
and your foolishness.

Especially this
one over here.

[ Laughing ]

Auf wiedersehen.


to expl*si*n-Ation.

Hey, hey there.

Hey, stop !

Dr. X, stop the--
Stop the...

Stop the hee--
Stop the hoo !

Stop the
countdown ?

The countdown ?
Oh, get to it.

Dr. X.

There you go !

We, uh, have a last
minute contribution from
a bob-- Hup-- And david--

[ Squawking ]

From the television
show, mr. Show.

Mr. Show, very well,
where are they ? I would
like to say hi to them.

Hello, bob.
Hello, david.

What have you
got for me ?

Dr. X, on behalf
of mr. Show with
bob and david,

And all the mr. Shows
with bob and davids
around the world,

We're proud to be a part
of a telethon once again.

This year, we have
raised money

By having swearing jars.

Over the course of tonight's
show alone, we've raised

$3,999,999.95

That's really wonderful.

[ Screaming ]

Watch your
back there.

Well, that is wonderful,

But you're still
a nickel short,

So, i'm sorry, you're
all up sh*t's creek.

Ah, ah !

That's the "s"-Word !

Still on the show,
pay a nickel, buddy !

You got me.

Hey, we did it.

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Dr. X ]
hurray !

Whoo ! All right !

Whoo ! Good
work ! Well,

We will wrap it up
the way we always do,

With our special song.

Maestro, if
you please.

[ Music playing ]

♪ when there's danger
from above ♪

♪ don't be a fool

♪ share your love

♪ for your doctor will
gladly take your hand ♪

♪ do not be scared

♪ do not be scared

♪ for i will be there

♪ to deactivate
the laser beam ♪

♪ the laser beam

♪ of love

♪ the laser beam

♪ of love ♪

Good night, everyone.

Good night.

[ Audience clapping ]

Daddy, come out
and play with me.

Not now, dear,
daddy's busy.

♪ sometimes, i think

♪ i spread my life too thin

Hey, daddy, you coming
to my graduation ?

♪ and i miss
precious moments ♪

♪ as this ol' earth
does spin ♪

Daddy, you want to see
your new grandson ?

In a minute, dear,
in a minute.

♪ you grew up,
you moved on ♪

♪ i was never
by your side ♪

Bye daddy, i'm dying.

♪ seems i'm
always spreading ♪

♪ mayostard ,
mustardayonnaise ♪

♪ and time ♪

[ Man ]
mundees
mustmayostardayonnaise

Combines mayostard
and mustardayonnaise

In one easy-To-Use,
time-Saving spread.

[ Audience applauding ]