04x02 - It's Perfectly Understandishable

[bunniefuu]

Hey, everybody.

I see bob and david
in your future.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you,
thank you.

Oh, thank you.

What a special night we have
for you planned here tonight.

That's not the line.
I know, yes.

What a great night
we have for you here
tonight, planned.

No, you said
planned again.

I know, that's the line
right ? "Planned
for you tonight."

No, planned isn't--
Well, let's just look
at the rehearsal tape.

Forrester, can you
roll the rehearsal tape
from this morning ?

I'm sorry.

It's "planned
for you tonight."

[ Director ]
hey, everybody,
it's bob and david.

Applause, applause,
applause and go.

Hey, we've got a great
show for you tonight.

We certainly have.
Dr. Bologna is back.

So that's it.
I didn't say "planned."

You didn't say
"planned" at all.

How are people gonna
know the show's planned
if i don't say it ?

We'll put a super down
at the bottom of the screen.

They'll think we're
just making it up.

David, david !

In the cage !
Right now !
In the cage !

Bob, in
the cage right now !

Get in the cage !
Get in there !

Keep it quiet !
Keep it quiet !

Quiet down.

They're fine.

They like it.

They like to get hit.

Performers aren't
like you and me.

They have thick skin.

They can
hardly feel it.

[ Director ]
no, cut.

Could you give
me a better kiss ?

Yeah, i know
how to fix it.

Linda, face.

Todd, face.

[ Lane ]
well, there's some
tricks i've learned

To get the best
out of them.

Stay.

[ Director ]
great, thank you.

It's a good feeling
when you get it right.

[ Lane ]
if i do my job right,

You can't even tell
i was there.

[ Phone ringing ]

Hello.

[ Phone continues ringing ]

Hello.

Hello. Yes, doctor ?

There's a reason
for the phrase,
"as dumb as an actor".

It's my personal
dream that someday

You can train actors to
be useful to society.

To help people
perform simple tasks.

Maybe even to assist
the elderly or the blind.

[ Knocking ]

Yes, who is it ?

Karen, it's me jonathan,
i've come to read to you.

Jonathan, hi,
sit down.

Here, look.

I've made some tea and some
homemade cookies for you.

Oh, that's
so sweet of you.

Oh, here.

No, no, wait. I'll do it,
i'll do it.

Okay.

No, i can
do it myself.

Okay.

It's okay.
I'm okay,
i'm okay.

I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna
have some.

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, thank you. It's good.

I'm glad
you liked it.

Yes, it's so nice.

It's so nice of
you to come and

Read to a poor blind
girl every night.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Tonight i brought a novel
by my favorite author,

D.H. Lawrence.

Oh, d.H. Lawrence,
isn't that a little racy ?

No !

Okay.

"Their succulent,
hairless bodies

"Meshed moistly
as they rolled

"Their nudeness through
the grassy heather.

"They--" Karen ?

Jonathan,

Make love to me.

[ Knocking ]

What, is someone
at the door ?

No, no, no.
Just a nightingale
flew in the room.

Shoo, shoo, birdy.

Shoo, get out of here.
Who are you ?

Who am i ?
Who are you, man ?

Is someone there ?

No, it's just a whispering
snowman, my sweet.

What ?

Karen,
it's me, steven.

Oh, steven.

Steven,
this is jonathan.

This is the man who
reads books to me.

What's up, man ?
Oh, baby.

You know you gots
to give it to me.

Karen, karen,
you know this guy ?

Look, you know how
you hate to describe
the sunset to me.

This guy describes
the sunset to you ?

Yeah.

Well, if i knew it
was that important--

I'll tell you what,
bro. Why don't you
step aside and

Let me show you how
a real man treats his woman.

Okay, the sun
is setting

And it's turning
this funny shade of,

I don't know,
red-Dish.

I can do a better
job than that.

As the star
of phebus descends.

It turns all that it touches
a glorious shade of crimson.

Oh, that
was beautiful.

Yeah, i'll tell you
what else is beautiful

Is the triple-Dipple rainbow
effect that is now going on.

It's all rainbow-Y
and sh*t.

There's no rainbow.
No rainbow.

You're just jealous

'Cause you couldn't describe
it first, that's all.

And also there's
an eclipse. Oh,
listen to it.

Oh, it's like
a beautiful angel's
taking a beautiful nap.

Come here.
An eclipse ?

You know what he's
not telling you about ?

He's not telling you about
the nuclear mushroom cloud.

No !

Yeah, we gotta
get out of here.

I'll save you,
come with me.

No, karen, you don't
have to do that because

Underdog just flew in
and he swallowed
the mushroom cloud

And now he's farting it
out onto a leprechaun.

Okay, alright.
That's it.
You're bald.

Yeah, well you're
a f*cking f*gg*t.

Oh, stop it !

I have something
that i have to tell
the both of you.

I'm not blind.

It's just that i wanted
to get to know you
both without all

The superficiality
of appearances
getting in the way.

But if either of you
never wanted to
see me again,

I'd understand.

That's okay with me.
I still love you.

Wow, well, since
we're being perfectly
honest with everybody,

I guess i should say that

I am blind.

[ Applause ]

I didn't want to say anything
'cause blind girls hate it.

You know, they're always
looking for some guy
to describe sh*t to them,

And i guess i just
can't do that, can i ?

Oh, oh, steven.

Well, uh,
i'm blind too.

No, you're
not, man.

You said i was bald,
how would you know that ?

Oh, well,
if you're blind,

Than how do you know
that i'm a h*m* ?

I don't know.

g*y-Dar ?

Later, man.

Karen ?

Hey, karen.

Sayonara, sucker !

[ Crashes ]

[ Horn beeping ]

Hello !

Hello !

I need help.

Emergency
psychic hotline.

This is mystique,
may i help you ?

Oh, yes.

[ Announcer ]
welcome to the emergency
psychic hotline

Where psychics come to
the aid of your crisis.

Now here are
your hosts:

Janie path,

Audio psychic mystique,

And singer and
two-Time winner

In the philadelphia regional
grammies, maple syrup.

[ Applause ]

Well, it is an honor
to meet the one and only
maple syrup.

Well, your honor is
perfectly understandishable.

Oh, my.

Great. Let's show
the people how the
emergency psychic hotline

Can help them.
Caller, you're on.

]
Oh, my god !
You've got to help me.

Caller, caller.

May i just say

That you have called
the exactemefundo right place

For all your
assistementary needs.

Please help me.

My baby fell in the pool,
she can't breathe !

Slow down, caller.

First of all,
i'm receiving a color image,

Sort of an
aquamarine.

Does that
sound familiar ?

Oh, god.

Her face is
turning blue.

That's exactly
what it is.

Aren't you
amazed at mystique ?

How about you,
maple syrup ?

Oh, my, she's
wonderfuricical.

Please, how do
i help her ?

What do i do ?

Are there relationships
that you're having
trouble with ?

Someone with
the letter "j".

"J", i don't know,

Jamie ?

That's my
baby's name !

Oh, my god ! How
did you know that ?

There's a real split coming
between you and this jamie.

But don't worry. You can
expect a big raise at work.

A raise, great !

I've only been
working there six months.

Thank you,
emergency psychic hotline.

[ Applause ]

Our team of psychics
are waiting for your
emergency call.

Why don't you
unlock your future ?

A promotion !

Wedding bells ?

I'll be
re-Incarnated ?

[ Narrator ]
six years ago,

The seventeenth dalai lama,
tibet's holy leader

Was laid to rest.

[ Buddhist monks chanting ]

Tibetan monks
searched tirelessly

For an eighteenth
incarnation

Which could have come
in any form or place,

[ Chanting continues ]

Even this suburban home
in whiting, indiana .

And the unlikely lama ?

High school senior
dougie bendall.

Hey, mom !

I don't understand.
Where you guys taking me ?

Dougie !
Derek !

Hey, dude, you can't go.
We've got kiss tickets.

Yeah, i could
get used to this.

[ Dougie ]
derek, tibet's
totally cool.

You'd like it.

They said i'm
the dolly lama,
whatever that means.

Alls i know is

They treat me like a king
and i gotta act real quiet.

Write back.

[ Derek ]
dear, dolly lama.

[ Derek laughing ]

Dude, this town sucks
without you here.

Sorry so sloppy,
derek.

Derek, i am
learning much.

We are all one in
the arms of gotinda,
the forgiving budda.

Hey, bro, did you
see the video awards ?

Halen won !

P.S. I made out
with patty matthews.

Dear derek,

It does my soul good
to hear about patty

And it is good news
about van halen.

Like the lotus,

They bloom for
you again and again.

You must
find time to visit.

Respect all of life.

From the lowly beetle bug
to the nuclear reactor's core.

That is my
teaching for today.

Kundun, you have
a visitor from america.

Yo, dolly g !
What up, n*gga !

What's the
dealy, dolly ?

Derek, you are a fresh
wind that blows from home.

All right.

Man, this place
is swigity sweet.

Yes, derek. What
brings you to tibet ?

Here's
the deal, yo.

My parents kicked me out
again and i'm f*cking
tired of working

Ten hours a week at
the shrewdy mart.

So i thought maybe
you could hook
my sh*t up with a jizzob,

You know ?

Put me in charge of some of
these bald m*therf*ckers.

Yes, derek.

Much has changed for me
since our last encounter.

Yeah, yeah, change,
yeah, i'm down, man.

I totally got into
hip hop this year.

Hip hop ?

Derek, the life of
a monk is simple,

But it is also rigorous
and challenging.

Look, your horniness,

Remember what you wrote in
my yearbook before you left ?

B.F.F.

Best friends forever.

Oh, derek.

You re-Incarnated
as*h*le.

Kundun, is
everything alright ?

Everything
is fine, li po.

I was just talking to
your new shift supervisor.

All right!
f*cking excellent !

Oh, but, derek.
You must assure me,

Are you open
to learning ?

Fool, i'm all
about learning.

Well, i guess my sh*t
does stink after all.

Derek, i think
you're funny.

It's just that,
the monks,

They've been beat down
for like 500 years and--

I'm out of here

Like richard gere.

Li po, ti prok,
where are you going ?

If derek leaves
we go with him.

He has taught us the
greatest lesson of all.

You can't spell
enlightenment
without lighten.

Derek, looks like
you've done it again.

What can i say ?

Okay, okay,
cut the sh*t !

All right, we got our
work cut out for us.

Tomorrow is the big



And we gotta figure out
how we're gonna beat

Those rich snobs from
the fat kids camp.

William van landingham !

The third, my dear boy.

Good luck tomorrow.

We've beaten you for
the past 500 years

And tomorrow,
we're making it 501.

[ Applause ]

All right.

Let's keep it
clean this year.

On your mark,
get set...

Relax, home slice.

The science of derekology

Is officially in effect.

All right.
It's time for
the last event.

This one's worth
a hundred points

So it's still
anyone's game.

It's the freestyle
rap competition.

Fat kids, who will
be representing ?

Camp wannahabe is proud to
present its newest member,

Professor m*rder.

A ringer !

Kundun, you have
to do something.

What can i do ?
I can't rap.

Hip hop.

Where's derek ?

[ Rapping ]
♪ yeah, check it out

♪ if a n*gg*r's getting paid,
he collects all his riches ♪

♪ but he never has enough
m*therf*cking b*tches ♪

♪ and snitches

Derek, what's wrong ?

Laryngitis. Can't rap.
You gotta do it.

I can't.

Guess we lose
again this year.

♪ n*gg*r*s talking sh*t
i'm-A sh**t them in the gut ♪

♪ causing hocus pocus
like my man, kurt vonnegut ♪

Word.

Well, monks.

If you don't have
a rapper, i'm afraid
you'll have to forfeit.

The winners for
the 501st year in a row--

Wait !

Pass the mic, yo.

[ Rapping ]
♪ a rap, rap,
a rap, rap, rap ♪

♪ a rap, rap,
a rap, cap nap ♪

♪ get rapping with it

♪ hey, get rapping
with it, h* ♪

Damn, his science
is too tight.

♪ a rap, a rap,
a rapity rap, rap ♪

♪ rap, rap
a rap, rap, rap ♪

♪ get rapping
oh, you did it bro !

The winner of the--

I'm trying to--
Oh, screw it.

Dougie, you did it, bro.

Hey, hey
your voice.

You didn't have
laryngitis.

What can i say ?

[ Beeping ]

♪ hey, everybody
i know a place where
you can get together.... ♪

Hey, duckie !
Hey, duckie !

Get the f*ck
in here.

♪ oh, yeah

And that's how
it happened.

After that,
we drove to hollywood,

Changed our names
to bob and david

And started the show
with dr. Bologna.

Hey, what'd you think of
the show, dr. Bologna ?

All right !
All right !

Let's go, back in the cage !
C'mon, let's go, right now.

That way, over this way.
Get over, right now !

Right now.
In, get in !

Get in right now.
Get in ! Get in !

Get in,
come on now !

Come on, come on !

Stay in there.

[ Applause ]