04x07 - Eat Rotten Fruit from a Shitty Tree

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
hey america,

It's time to hash things
out with bob and david.

Thank you.

All right,
thank you.

The mr. Show water cooler
is an unrehearsed,

Unscripted, political
jam session,

Featuring
absolutely no experts.

Just four regular
celebrities,

Sitting around,
hashing things out,

And uh, one water cooler,
for when things get hot,

Or dry.

Okay, let's introduce
tonight's guests.

From porno,

Xona chiffon.

Hope i'm
pronouncing
that correctly.

[ Audience whooping ]

Hey, baby.

Thank you, xona.

And from the world
of skydiving,

Keith minders.

Well, let's
get started.

The top story
of the week.

Uh, i think
i know it.

Umm, okay,

I was watching
a comedian's monologue

On tv last night,

And, did you know that
there was some senator,

Who had surgery to
have the nra's lips

Removed from his a*s ?

Right, right, right.

And who's gotta pay for
that surgery, huh ?

The american people !

[ Applause ]

The other night,
i saw a stand-Up comic,

And he informed me
that if congress is gonna

Continue spending
his money,

The way his
girlfriend does,

Then they too should
give him blow jobs.

Okay, views ?
Counter-Comments ?

Well, i'll tell 'ya, this
is an intriguing proposal.

But it raises the issue:

Just how many blow jobs
can congress give
in a fiscal year ?

And how many
do people want ?

And then what are
they actually worth ?

Keith, you haven't
said much over there.

These aren't
real issues.

They're jokes
about the news.

If you wanna know
the top story,
read the paper...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
i thought you were
a skydiver !

Hold on there,
einstein.

Somebody reads
the paper !

Audience, what does that
mean it's time for ?

Smarty pants !

That's right,

You have to step in
to the smarty pants.

Charles, what's inside
the smarty pants today ?

[ Charles ]
today's smarty pants
are filled with glauman's

Rich and creamy
vanilla custard.

Just like grandma
used to eat.

Alright,
smarty pants,

Smarty pants,
smarty pants.

All right !

And you are
hereby sentenced

To watch the all-News channel
for the rest of the show.

And meanwhile,

Bob and i will be
in the soundproof
disco booth with xona,

To see how much
money we can win.

♪ i'm a party girl

♪ i'm a party girl

♪ i'm a party girl

♪ i'm a party girl

[ Announcer ]
you're watching
the international news report,

The top stories
from around the globe.

And now from
london, here's
aviana prujympur.

Good evening.

A look at the top stories
around the globe
at this hour.

In yangon, mayanma,

A monsoon leaves thousands
homeless and disease-Ridden.

The japanese government
de-Values the yen,

Triggering
massive layoffs,

And in america,

The president has
allegedly farted.

For a re-Cap of events,

Let's go to lance jordan
of the bbc

At the
white house, lance.

Aviana, it all
began last week

When dominican republic
ambassador, martif pharti,

Threw a party.

The ambassador had
a long guest list,

Simply everyone was there.

In the midst
of the revelry,

The foul odor of human
flatulence materialized,

And its source
seemed to be

The president
of the united states,
truman theodore frutti.

Known to his friends
as "tru", or "truitty",

Or "two t" for the two t's
in his full name.

American reports have
sarcastically characterized

The alleged emission
as "a beauty".

Despite the president's
quick and adamant denial,

The fart has captured
the outrage and imagination

Of an entire nation.

Capitalizing conversation
in daily life,

On late-Night
chat shows...

You know, for the next state
of the union speech,

The vice president and
the speaker of the house

Asked if they could sit
in "front" of the president !

Even to light political
song parodies

Performed in a dinner
theater environment.

♪ oh beans, beans,
the musical fruit ♪

♪ the more you eat,
the more you toot ♪

America is simply
enthralled by this issue.

Aviana ?

We understand that
the president himself

Is going to address
the nation.

Let's go now
to the white house.

My fellow americans,

Tonight, i am prepared
to accept full responsibility

For my actions.

One week ago,
marti pharti
threw a party

And everyone was there.

I, two-T fruitti,
let a beauty,

And everyone
went out for air.

Now it is time to
stop the attacks,

The finger pointing,
the giggling.

For now this matter
should be between me,

My wife, my pants,
and our god.

Thank you.

We go now to children
around the world,

For reaction to
the president's speech.

He farted !
He farted !

He farted !
He farted !

[ Farting noises ]

Stop it, stop it,
you're not
supposed to laugh.

Oh, these parties can
be so very tedious.

Say, you're new
here, aren't you ?

Yes, your majesty.

Announce to my guests that
i'm ready to greet them.

Oh yes, your majesty.

If you will,
the earl of twixworth.

Good evening,
your majesty.

If i may, you're
looking as splendid

As a painted
picture.

Oh, my.

Say, earl,
i have an idea.

In a moment,
i will announce that
i've grown tired

And wish to go to sleep.
Everyone will leave,
but you stay behind

So that we can
catch up on old times.

What a wickedly
delightful idea.

Don't tell anyone.

[ Guard ]
lord and lady pummel !

How very...

It's quite an honor.
Hello, your majesty.

Lord and lady,
come hither.

In a moment, i'm going
to announce that i'm tired

And wish to go sleep.
Everyone will leave,

But you two remain,
so we can crack-Off.

With pleasure.

Don't tell anyone.

[ Guard ]
the lord mayor
of flavisham.

My honor takes--

Okay, enough of
the floaties.

I'm going to say i'm tired,
everyone will leave, you stay.

Unconditionally,
your majesty.

Don't tell anybody.
Count pleasanton !

Your most
glorious majesty.

When i think
on times--

Okay, enough, enough,
count, i have an idea.

In a moment i'm going
to decree myself bedroused

And ask all to
afford me their leave.

But you tarry,
so that the twain of us
may bandy titherings.

Ah, you wish me to waffle
about and we shall have
a private folly, eh ?

Well, and so, yes.
Don't tell anyone.

Guard ?

Yes, your majesty ?

Would you announce that
i'm afraid i'm tired

And wish to go
to sleep now ?

Yes, but the party's
just begun.

Guard, do it !

Yes, your majesty !

Uh, her majesty would
like to announce

That she has grown tired,
and would like to go to sleep,

And she bids you all
a fond goodbye.

Goodbye,
goodbye...

[ Murmuring goodbyes ]

Guard !

Her majesty has wished
you all goodbye !

Will you please
gather your coats
from the cloakery.

Oh, the cloakery,
absolutely !

The cloakery
is right over here

In case you've
forgotten.

Please.

Yes, let us all
make our way to
the cloakery !

Yes, please !

Let us proceed
to the cloakery.

Please.

Thank you.

Guard, are you on the world's
longest coffee break ?

No.
Get rid of them !

Of course, i will.

A goodnight
to you all.

Yes, and goodbye.

All of us, and
none shall tarry.

Excellent.

Oh goodness,
my pocket pence.

Goodnight !

No, no, please,
it's poisonous.

Only i have
the antidote.

[ Guard ]
please, run along !

I'll mail the
rest to you.

You're supposed to
be rich, aren't you ?

What do you care
about a few pennies ?

What was that you said,
your majesty ?

She said
nothing !

Oh, but i thought
that i heard--

You heard nothing !

That is what
i meant.

For when i heard nothing,
i became frightened.

I thought maybe
she'd died.

[ Gasping ]

Her majesty is
quite alive

And vigorously waving
goodbye to you !

Oh then, good.

Please ! All of you !

All together in a group,
leave the room !

Wait, wait, wait,
where's the lord mayor ?

Yes !
Yes !

Out !

I'm sorry.

Out, out !

You, fat one !

Your majesty, it is
the greatest sorrow
with which--

You're not a
very good guard.

No, not tonight
i'm not.

But on other nights--

Why are
you here !?

Why is he here ?

Well, i've, left
something behind.

What, what did you
leave behind ?

Well, it was small and...

I thought they
would never--

Why are you
two here ?

We wanted to
leave again.

Yes !

We had so much fun
leaving the first time.
We thought we'd--

Those idiots...
hello, what's this ?

Why have
you returned ?

I've sprained
all my ankles.

How ?

I'm returned !

Why won't you all leave
the queen in peace ?

[ Arguing ]

Wait a second !

Where is the queen ?

She's right here,
guard. She...

The queen's
escaped !

That b*tch !

Okay, so that's
one queen sidecar

And one her majesty's
secret daiquiri ?

Yeah, that's great.

Hey, man,
what the f*ck !?

What the f*ck
is your problem ?

Watch where you're
goin', as*h*le !

Hey, just don't
touch me !

Come on, larry,
leave it alone.

This guy f*ck'
pushed me.

You'll know
if i push you.

Oh yeah ?
You wanna
step outside ?

Just ignore
him, tom.

I ain't
ignorin' sh*t.

Come on,
let's go !

Yeah, run away,
chickenshit !

f*ck' guys !

I ain't runnin' ! I'll stay
on your f*ck' a*s
all f*ck' night !

Hey, i'm in it
for the long haul !

I'll marry
your stupid a*s !

Oh, yeah ! 'Til death
do us part, as*h*le !

I f*ck' do !

I, larry branson,

Promise that i will
not chickenshit out

Until you admit
that you're a p*ssy !

Or 'til one
of us dies !

The ring,
please.

Yeah !

Come on !
Come on !

Let's go !
Come on !

f*ck' guys !

Yeah, read it and
weep, as*h*le !

Here's your f*ck'
lemonade, as*h*le !
Yeah, that's right !

Come on, mary !
Come on !

Right here, man !
Yeah, right here.

I ain't going nowhere.
Drink it up !

Yeah, that's right !

I got it, man,
i got it right here !

[ Grunting ]

Jeez, all these
f*ck' receipts.

Ah, quit your
bitchin', all right ?

Hey, what's this ?

That's for that sweater
i got you last year

For your dumb-a*s
birthday.

You said you f*ck'
made it yourself !

No, i never said...

You f*ck'
lied to me !

No !

Well, maybe our wedding
vows were a lie, too !

Chickenshit !

Come back !

What the f*ck ?

You want to
start something ?

No.

Don't worry, sweetie,
he'll come back.

You two were made
for each other.

It's easier
for him.

What if i have to
find somebody else ?

I don't think you're going
to have to worry about that.

I'm sorry,

I shouldn't
have lied.

It was my fault.

I, you know,
i over-Reacted.

Do you want,
to get back
together ?

Yeah.

All right,
chickenshit !

It's on,
as*h*le !

You're
a chickenshit !

You're a p*ssy,
you wimp !

Oh, yeah ?

You wanna make
something of it ?

Maybe i do !

Maybe i...

[ Heart monitor beeping ]

I'm sorry,
he's gone.

I guess he wasn't such
a chickenshit after all.

Ah, well.

Bartender !

Oh, my life.

[ Techno music playing ]

[ Crowd yelling ]
st. Peter !

Oh, st. Peter !

[ Crowd yelling ]
god, god, god !

Say, peter

Come on over here.

Do me a favor.

There's a plane going
down in the andes,

A brazilian
bikini team.

Let 'em in,
v.I.P. Lounge,
the whole shot.

I'm gonna go down to
earth for a few seconds.
Make some magic.

Check, check, check.

Hey, god, hey.

How's it going, kid ?

Good.

I got the levels set,
we're all set.
You wanna go ?

Great, i'm
all set, too.

Okay, great.

So, slate yourself
and then we'll start
with the preface, okay ?

You got it, kid.

Alright, here we go.
Book on tape recording.

My life in
the fast lane,

God's autobiography
as read by me, god.

All seeing ? Yeah.

All knowing ?
Yeah, but i'm not
mr. Know-It-All.

Perfect in every way ?

Not by a long shot.

Have i done some things
that i'm proud of ?

Well, one
thing, my son.

Jesus, you're tops
and you teach me
new things every day.

This is for you, kid.

Now you're gonna
learn a little bit more

About your old man than
you wanted to know.

To the reader who wonders,
isn't there a book
about god already ?

Yeah, you call it the bible,
i call it, too many cooks.

Sure, the names and
dates are there,

But nobody caught
the attitude, the swagger,

The little kid wonder,

Basking in praise
in the red sea
one minute,

And then vomiting in
a john next to mick jaggar

At studio 54 the next.

Oh, man, what a life,
what a riot it's been.

Truth be told,

I really have
only one commandment,

Sunday's are my day.

That means, no prayers,
no calls, fax, no nothing.

Jump to january 13, 1974.
I'm in the beach house
on contempo drive

In my jacuzzi
taking a schvitz.

Suddenly, i feel an old pain
in the back of my neck.

Oh, man,
someone's praying.

"Hey god, it's me."
I recognize
the voice instantly.

It's terry bradshaw,
pittsburgh steeler's
quarterback,

Four-Time world champ
and future hall-Of-Famer.

"It's the superbowl,

We're down six points,
you gotta help me
make this pass."

Boom, i go
sh*t-House on him.

"I don't gotta do
anything, terry.

"You are one p*ssy hair
away from eternal
hellfire my friend."

I cut him off,
got back to my schvitz.

The ba*ls
on that guy.

Did i help him ?
Hell no, a rule
is a rule is a rule,

Unless you're
a woman.

Did he make the pass ?

You know it.

Terry's just that good.

Hey, if he thinks i had
anything to do with it,

So be it,
i'm not tellin'.

Yep, if i've ever
known perfection
in this eternal life,

It was as a
perfect jackass.

Am i proud of what
i've accomplished ?
Well, some of it.

Was i right when i thought
i could do it all by myself,

Ooh, man, i was
worse than right.

I was wrong.

But, what
a ride it's been.

What a ride.

How's that kid ?
Great, we got it.

All right, i got a party at
mickey stein's to go to.

Take it easy, i'll catch
you on the flip-Flop.

[ Angelic chanting ]

[ Narrator ]
the unexplained,

The inexplicable,

The hard to convey.

Since the dawn of time,
men have wondered:

Do mysteries
really exist ?

Some say maybe,
others aren't so sure.

Tonight's enigma,

Monster parties,
proved so upsetting

Most experts refuse
to speak with us.

All but one.

Well, it's certainly an
intriguing question.

We talked to a doctor

Who was willing to
share his experience.

I'd say the
first record

That ever really
covered that topic

Was halloween shindig

By ed twilley
and the creepers.

♪ it was a
halloween shindig ♪

♪ everybody's in-Bited

♪ it was a
halloween shindig ♪

♪ every-Bloody
was frightened ♪

In 1978, there was
monster disco ball !

There's the goofy tunes

With the wolfman's
wedding reception.

It gets two squeaks
because it's the
funniest one of all.

[ Narrator ]
dracula, the wolfman,
the mummy,

Would these monsters
ever assemble as a group

In a party setting,
to dance,

Or eat and drink together ?

While skeptics
declare it impossible,

Novelty songs seem to
suggest quite the opposite.

Could all these songs
possibly be wrong ?

It would probably be held
in a mansion, or a crypt,

Or a cemetery,
indoors or--

Mother !

It's at night,
maybe in a swamp.

The most recent
example is this one

By jerkin' james whitcroft:

Dracula's pajama party.

♪ it was dracula's
pajama party ♪

♪ seven o'clock
was the time it started ♪

♪ dracula

♪ it's my
pajama party... ♪

Well, this is
preposterous.

Monsters, getting
together to celebrate ?

I mean, think about
how that sounds.
It's ridiculous.

I mean,

They get together,

It's gonna be
a terrifying battle.

They're not gonna
get along, much less
a bash of some kind.

No, no.

I wrote dracula's
pajama party

To help me deal
with the pain
and fear i had.

It happened,
it happened to me !

[ Narrator ]
james whitcroft's life

Had forever been changed
by what he could
only describe as a--

I got the scars
to prove it.

I gained weight from
the cake they served,

I still have
a party favor.

Everything i wrote about

In dracula's pajama party,
i experienced.

The plasma pizza,

The blood balloon race,

Uh...

...uh...

The bobbing
for brains.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

[ Macphearson ]
nope, no, no.

If you were to ask me
if a bunch of draculas

Might get together,
or a bunch of wolfmans,

Then, yes, they probably
do have very good parties.

We'll never know.

However, we can
write poems about it.

[ Narrator ]
knowing and accepting
the risk involved

By re-Living his
horrifying night,

James whitcroft agreed
to be hypnotized

And traveled over


For one-Quarter of an hour,

To visit professional
party magician,
tish pomfritz.

Do you know how
far he traveled ?

Answer at the end
of the show.

You are now
officially hypnotized,

In the state
of rhode island.

Now, tell me what
happened, james.

I'm in the cemetery.

And...

I hear a noise.

Where is the noise
coming from, james ?

It's coming from
behind a tombstone.

Sounds like a bash,

Or a mash !

Now, there's people
having a party.

There's cake,

And a keg of beer.

They're not people !

They're monsters !

The mummy is drunk
and he loves the funk,

And the werewolf
is dancing with
frankenstein's bride.

And frankie got mad,
he nearly re-Died.

It's horrible !
It's horrible !

What are you doing in
the graveyard, james ?

I just wanna
dig up a corpse

And have sexual
relations with it !

These monsters !

Wake up !

According to the machine,
he's telling the truth,

Except for the part about
the monster party.

But yes, his name
is james whitcroft,

And he wants to have
sex with a corpse.

[ Narrator ]
despite this
incontrovertible proof,

Some remain skeptical.

What ?

These are novelty songs,
they're not real.

What are you
talking about ?

[ Whitcroft ]
i didn't write
this song

So that it would be taken
as some sort of joke,

Or party anthem.

I'm just trying to
understand my life

Through music.

[ Narrator ]
despite his trauma,

James washes
a set of clothes

And prepares
to take the stage at
a local talent venue,

To see if his hypnotic
ordeal may have freed him

Of the burden of his
traumatic memories.

It's for me.

He hires a cabbie,

And attempts to present
his terrible memory to
a group of strangers.

But he is early,

And so, must wait

Until the doors

Open.

I want you to give
a big hot coffee hunt welcome

To james whitcroft,
come on...

Come on,
come on guys.

James, good luck.

Thanks, everybody.

I want to
sing a song

That i wrote a couple
of years ago

About something
that happened to me.

Okay, here it goes.

♪ the wolfman knew that
the party was dying ♪

♪ so he asked
the dracula bat
to start flying ♪

♪ so the party was
crashed by the mummy and ♪

♪ the mummy... ♪

...and the wolfman !

[ Stammering ]

Are you okay ?

Get away from me !

[ Whitcroft screaming ]

They're monsters !