04x08 - Like Chickens...Delicious Chickens

[bunniefuu]

Hey everybody,
it's bob and david.

There's plenty where
that came from.

[ Wild applause ]

Wow !

David, what is up ?

Just sharing
the wealth, bob.

Wow !

You're rich ?

Yeah, reparations, man.

What ?

I'm jewish, remember ?

You know, my people
have been harassed,

m*rder*d, and well,
bedeviled, for
thousands of years.

And we're finally
gettin' a big paycheck

From the swiss
government.

You know hitler's up
in heaven right now going:

"Oh, no, no !
You got me !"

Here, accept this
trifle, won't you ?

Big brownie.

Well, at least
you could maybe afford
to buy nicer cigars.

Oh, those aren't cigars,
they're fake poo.

Hey, is there
a jewish guy here ?

Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme !



Rip-Off !

Don't you want to
read the nice card ?

Look at that, you got
a nice little kitten

And some
spilled milk,

And inside, it says,
"meow, meow,

"Looks like you got me,

"We accepted the gold
stolen by nazis.

"But time has passed,
and wounds have healed.

We were bad little
kittys, and we wuv you."

Signed, "switzerland".

Isn't that nice ?
That is nice.

See that ?
The country is
like the cat,

And the spilled milk
is like your relatives.

On behalf of the great
state of mississippi,

We would like to give
you and all of your people

This card.

Let me read this to you.

"Uh-Oh !",
it says on
the cover.

You open it up
inside and it says.

"Somebody
made a mess."

Well, that pretty
much says it.

And look here.

Mississippi
fun bucks ?

Every african-American
citizen's gonna get that.

That is good for
any one-Way ticket

Out of mississippi

On the
mississippi fun bus !

There's one now.

Beautiful,
climb up on in there.

There ya' go !

All right, bye-Bye,
bye-Bye !

Good luck
to ya !

[ Announcer ]
mississippi fun bucks
are not legal tender,

But may be used
to leave mississippi

And for discounts at
lucky lady motor courts
not in mississippi.

Here we go, room 13,
lucky lady motor court.

Yeah, yeah.

Rick should be here
in a few minutes.

Oh, man, i'm sweatin'
my a*s off, you know ?

I've never moved
this much dope before.

Yeah, well, relax,
man. You got all
the cash right ?

Yeah, yeah,
it's right there.

Hey, man,
check this out.

You notice that
white van out front ?

What ?

It's got some kind
of radar dish on it,
or something.

Well, you mean,
that police van

That's recording our
half-Million dollar
drug deal

With a high-Powered
directional mike ?

'Cause all i see is
a modern ice cream truck

With a dish
on the top,

Because ice cream
comes in dishes, kevin,

Don't get
paranoid on me, man.

Sit down. Not there,
not there.

Sit down over here,
it's a better chair.

And a nice little plant
to keep you company.

Got a nice little lamp
for if things get
dark and scary

For little
kevin ferguson,

Sitting in room 13
in the lucky lady
motor court,

At 335-Niner
north avenue.

I gotta take a pee,
you just chill.

[ Whispering ]
i can't get him to do it.

He's got to say it out loud.
I did say that !

Jim ?

Who, who are you
talking to in there ?

Just relax kevin.
I'm just having
a chatty pee in here.

[ Toilet flushing ]

So, kevin,

How long you known
this, uh, ray perp ?

I met ray in
central florida in...

Hey man, what's
with the flower ?

What ?

Oh, what's this
supposed to be ?

A wire ?

Oh, godammit, you think
i'm a f*ck' cop !

Forget it, kevin.
Let's just get this over
with, frisk me, man.

Stick your
finger up my a*s.

It's all right, man.

You're paranoid, kevin.

Getting mad at
a pretty flower.

You should
see yourself, man.


named kevin ferguson,

Sitting there, all
unarmed arranging for
the sale of 12 ounces

Of controlled
substances.

Why do you do that ?
Why do you keep
reciting details ?

What are
you saying ?

Are you saying that
i'm like some kind of

A reject from
a mariachi band ?

Is that what i am now ?

No !

You know, you gotta
trust me man.

Or you're gonna
f*ck this deal up !

Look at me, man,
look at me !

Look right at me !
I'm looking at you !

[ Camera clicking ]

You just took a picture
of me with your hat !

My magic hat ?

[ Stammering ]

Oh my god,
you are out there !

Okay, let me get
this straight.

I'm setting you up
in a sting with the cops
to protect my a*s,

And i got a wire
inside a flower, and
a camera in my hat ?

And that's a fake painting
with two cops behind it,
videotaping us ?

Is that what
you're saying ?

I didn't say anything about
a fake painting and cops.

Oh my god, you
are so paranoid

That you're making me
seem paranoid
in retrospect.

Oh, man,
okay, all right.

I'm gonna turn the lights
out, you look through
your fake painting

At your two
precious cops.

No.

Come on, as*h*le,
there they are.

Say hi. "Hi, cops !

"Get my good side."

It's all right.

I think i need
some make-Up.

Alright, turn it back on,
i trust you, all right ?

I f*cking trust you.

Right,
just relax, man.

It's 1400 hours.

Ray should be
here any second.

We got a big drug deal
to think about.
A big, big drug deal.

Hey, kev ?

Oh, man, did you
ever play, "thumbprint
tic-Tac-Toe" ?

No, what's that ?

Well, it's just
like tic-Tac-Toe,

But you use your
thumbs to mark it.

Oh, so you
go here ?

Oh my god,
you're gonna beat me.

I ask you, is this
your thumb print,
kevin ferguson ?

Yes.

Thumb prints found all
over the crime scene,

Videotapes from every
conceivable angle,

Audio recordings in
quadraphonic sound,

Still photographs,
holograms,

All of these showing
kevin ferguson in room 13

Of the lucky lady
motor court,

Buying ill*gal drugs.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we rest our case.

[ Announcer ]
will kevin ferguson
be found guilty ?

Tune in next week.

And now, here's a scene
from next week's show.

Your honor, we the jury
find the defendant,

Kevin ferguson,
not guilty.

Next week on...

[ Inaudible ]

[ Announcer ]
for over 40 years,

Charles mchutchence
has stood for

The best america
has to offer.

He's president of
a fortune 500 company,

Father of two
wonderful children,

And a good neighbor.

I'm not here
to sell anything.

And i'm certainly
not running for any
political office.

Hi !

[ Announcer #2 ]
lately we've all
been hearing a lot

About a certain
charles mchutchence.

But did you know about
harrison greeley iii?

Harrison greeley is also
a successful businessman

With a family
and a lot of friends.

Plus, he likes you.

You can call me
harrison.

[ Announcer #2 ]
harrison greeley,

Rich, got a great family,
really nice house,

A super guy.

[ Announcer #3 ]
paid for by the
harrison greeley iii committee

For harrison greeley iii.

[ Announcer ]
charles mchutchence
has a message for you.

Let's look
at the facts--

I have a
great family,

I won this trophy in
cape cod last year,

And next month, i plan to
learn how to water ski.

Charles mchutchence

Now you're talking great guy.

Look at the facts.

[ Announcer #2 ]
paid for by the
mchutchence family committee

To celebrate charles.

[ Announcer ]
charles mchutchence
claims to be a great guy.

Look at the facts.

What are
the real facts ?

[ Announcer ]
he also claims
that he plans

To learn to water ski.

But company records show

His vacation to be
only three days long.

Well, you can't really learn
to water ski in three days.

Of course, that depends
on what you mean by learn.

You'd still be a beginner.

Well--

Seems the only thing
charles mchutchence
is great for

Is lying.

Hey, charles,
if you're great,
i'm really great.

Harrison greeley iii.
Really great.

[ Announcer #2 ]
paid for by
harrison greeley iii.

[ Announcer #3 ]
harrison greeley iii,

Charles mchutchence,

Two rich men,
battling for our favor.

Now it's time the people spoke
and said...

[ All ]
enough !

The public airwaves
are no place

For unseemly
character assaults.

Mr. Greeley and
mr. Mchutchence, please,

Stop this petty and hurtful
public display.

[ All ]
hooray !

[ Announcer ]
paid for by reverend anders
and citizens united against

Negative and
unnecessary advertising

[ Announcer #1 ]
reverend anders,
what are you after ?

What do you want ?

Who is the real
reverend anders ?

You f*cked with the wrong
guys, reverend.

[ Announcer #2 ]
paid for by the
greeley-Mchutchence committee

To crush reverend anders.

Harrison greeley iii
and charles mchutchence

Claim to have newfound
respect and admiration

For each other.

And it's true.

Fact: harrison and charles
have shared with each other

Personal memories
of growing up rich.

Fact: both have worked
together to destroy
a common enemy.

Fact: the two have
made specific plans

To do things together
in the future.

Trust. Respect. Warmth.

Harrison greeley iii
and charles mchutchence

Friends.

I would like to ask
you all to sit

And ask our
distinguished guest to
begin his presentation.

Edmund premington
is a hunter,

An explorer, a novelist
and an adventurer.

A travelaire,
an explorist,

And a noveler,

Without further ado,
edmund premington.

[ Patron ]
edmund premington,
nice to have you back.

[ Polite applause ]

Hard to believe
i made it back

From the godless jungle,

To such auspicious and

Humane surroundings.

Let me begin with
a description

Of the lion's roar.

It's impossible to describe
the roar of the lion.

But what i can do
is describe its effect.

You feel it first
in your scrotum.

Oh, my.

Is there a need
for such language ?

I'm afraid there is, my dear,
if i'm to be descriptive.

[ Patron ]
must be done, yes.

His great jaw

Stirs one's intestines,

And a tingle of fear
constricts the scrotum.

The great bellow
rings out

In a rippling wave,

Tossing one's
very scrotum,

Hither and thither.

Its eyes grasp you
at the base of your spine,

Crawl up your back,

Ring around the neck

And settle finally
on the tongue...

Excellent
description.

... of your scrotum.

The lion moves, each
muscle is so vast

It moves like
a school of fish

Moving together
with one mind,

And all the hairs on
the tip of your p*nis

Spring forth !

At that long-Hank
of unbraided hair

Tickles the scrotum at
the base of your knee.

The base
of your knee ?

I'm not done !

In your
hunter's crouch,

You feel the n*pples on
your a*s become erect.

All right, hold it,
hold up here.

n*pples on your a*s ?

Knee scrotums ?

Hair on the tip
of your p*nis ?
It's too horrible !

I am sorry,
my dear.

Why, yes, the
african lion
is horrible.

No, no, no,
the lion is fine.

Listen, we've tolerated
your salty descriptions
long enough.

Sir, i warned you,
my tale was not for
the faint-Scrotumed.

Yes, and what is
this obsession
with scrotums ?

I mean, you've mentioned
the scrotum five times now.

Not the same scrotum.
The african lion affects

Each and every one
of a man's scrotums.

Fear seeks
them out.

Get to the a*s n*pples,
what's that about ?

And the awful hank
of unbraided hair.

Yes, i must take
severe umbrage

At your
anatomical logic.

Well, sir, everything
i say, i've experienced.

Obviously
mr. Premington

Experienced these
things metaphorically.

I am not
a symbolist.

When the african
lion attacks--

Leave the lion
out of it !

You're scaring us
with your description
of some freakish hunter.

Madame,
i assure you,
i speak honestly.

From the very bottom
of my vag*na.

Jesus !

You don't know what
words mean, do you ?

Why, sir,
i'm a writer.

From the side pocket
of my scrotal--

Oh, stop it,
stop it ! No one
looks like that.

n*pples on your a*s !

The awful hair !

Are you calling
me a liar ?

I say !
Yes.

Well, then, look !

Feast your eyes on the body
that the lion scared !

[ Everyone gasping ]

Come see the multi-Scrotumed
a*s-Nippled adventurer.

Enough scrotums
for 20 men !

But, beware his
descriptions.

Extra, extra !

Oddball adventurer !

Hair comes
from his p*nis !

Scrotums abound !
Extra !

[ Announcer ]
you're watching
the channel five news,

With the team
you can trust.

Bennie drummond,
margaret holden
and otto bergher.

Together since 1925,

They've informed
five generations

Of south valley
residents.

Winners of over


World record holders
for telling over

50,000 news stories.

And the news team with
the most great grandchildren.

And the world's
only news team

With great-Great
grandchildren.

Bennie drummond

Otto bergher

And margaret holden.

Channel five's
team you trust.

[ Stagehand ]
otto !

Otto, read
the news.

Top story...

Plane crash.

Margaret,
no more news.

No, no, more news.

What does
it say, dear ?

[ Stagehand ]
plane crash.
Plane crash.

Plane crash.

Oh, i don't
know anymore.

Hello ?

Hello ?

Who's calling, please ?

No, mrs. Holden,
it's me, mark.

I'm here at the scene
in the andes.

He's not home,
who's calling ?

All right, i'm just
gonna start talking, then.

Goodbye.

All right.

Well, hi, this
is mark treems

Here at the scene
in the andes

Where we are about
to get the first look

At the only known survivor
of peruvian airways flight 78,

Which crashed
a month ago

With 234 people
onboard.

I believe we have a picture
of the survivor,

Taken minutes before
the ill-Fated flight.

Todd benley
is his name,

And he has
miraculously survived

Out here in the woods
for one full month,
without provisions.

Let's go talk
to him now.

Sir.

Sir.

Sir, how does it feel
to be the only survivor

Of this
tragic flight ?

[ Burping ]

Relief, a great
feeling of relief.

[ Burping ]

How did
you do it ?

I was forced to eat the
flesh of my companions

In order to survive.

My goodness, what
a terrible choice
you had to make !

Please, don't speak
ill of the dead.

Their flesh was
seasoned with courage

And selflessness,

And each time i think
of their sacrifice,

I hunger for the bones
of their bravery.

I ate them all,
showed no favorites.

And here i am,
full as a tick.

The living legacy
of their deeds.

Well, you...

You've only been
out here for 30 days.

Did you need to eat
all 234 people ?

Well, when i get
depressed, i eat.

It's my outlet.

They were brave,
brave people.

Some of them.

Some of them, i had
to lop off their legs

Or they would have run
for the hills like chickens,
delicious chickens.

Well, it's a miracle you
survived out here at all.

There's no one within


With the exception of
one small village

That would be hard
to find without a map.

Yes, yes.

Uh, that's where
i got this broom.

I like to keep this
place spic and span.

I'm kind of
a neat freak.

So, you've been
to the village ?

Yeah, i've got
a p.O. Box there.

I've been getting
my magazines, uh,

Maurice does my hair.

You've had your
hair styled ?

Yeah, i told him
to surprise me.

You know, just
go nuts, you know.

I don't like it,
i don't dislike it,
you know.

Well, as the
only survivor,

Do you have any insight
into what caused

This fatal,
tragic flight ?

Let's see, when
the turbulence started,

My stomach started
growling like a bear,

You know,
fear does that.

Nothing they had onboard
would satisfy me,

So i ate the pilot
and we crashed.

[ Laughing ]

My goodness, you
ate the pilot ?

How did
he taste ?

[ Burp ]

Better than
airplane food.

[ Narrator ]
they started by
entertaining a shocked,

Yet amused nation.

Then they took
their routine to parties.

Now, join them,
live at carnegie hall,

For the 2,000
pound old man.

Now i understand
you met napoleon,
isn't that so ?

Met him ?
I 'et him !

[ Crowd laughing ]

Who was the
first caveman ?

Murray.

Did you eat him ?

Eat him ? I'm
not that old, i'm
only 2,000 pounds !

On the next
command performances

Funding for this
program provided by

The southern historical
preservation society
and ragtime band.

[ Distant cannon fire ]

[ Narrator ]
during the summer
of 1862,

The battle of
turner springs

Took place on
a patch of farmland

Owned by marshall scott,
a confederate sympathizer.

It was a battle
which would last

For over two weeks and
cost thousands of lives.

I wanna look
like that guy.

What, you want
a fake beard ?

Yeah.

And one of them hats.

Nope, a civil w*r hat.

It was a battle that
many thought was over.

No, that's french resistence.

The civil w*r:
the re-Enactments

The re-Enactment of
the battle of turner springs

Would prove to be one
of the fake-Bloodiest
in history.

[ Burr ]
this was an important
battle to re-Enact

Because it had never
been re-Enacted before.

There had been several
attempts to re-Enact it,

But each time
something had gone awry,

Or afoul or askew.

One time, all three.

Thousands would come
to pretend to be brave.

It was an re-Enactment
that pit brother
against brother.

Travis and lamar kittle
of hapsburg, maryland,

Were born
in this modest house
on the mason/dixon line,

Where they still
live today.

Travis, a high school
drop out

And current
high school teacher,

Looked forward to reflecting
upon the impending past memory

Of the future
re-Enactment
with great relish.

Lamar was a two-Time
state yelling champion,

Who had dreams of someday
finding a box of money.

The re-Enactment
would take place
over 50 miles away.

And would take the two boys
away from their mother

For the first time
in almost ten years.

It was decided lamar
would be the navigator.

Travis would drive the car
and photograph him.

[ Jeff goldblum ]
"mama, here's a funny
postcard i bought.

"Hope you're
doing well.

"We almost are there.

"What ? Oh, travis
says 'hey' !

Love, lamar."

[ Narrator ]
and on the front
of the postcard,

A message of hope
to his mother.

But the distant
thunder of drums

Would soon erase
the sounds of their laughter.

For this was the day
that would not only see
north against south,

But lincoln
against lincoln.

[ Burr ]
well, you see,
two lincolns showed up.

Now that was a case of poor
planning, pure and simple.

And lincoln himself
had never been

At the actual battle
in the first place,

So, neither of them
should have been there.

It was two too many.

[ Narrator ]
it was soon time
for the battle.

This rare footage
captures a speech
given by blaine pilven,

Who portrayed
confederate general
austin bullard.

Two we simulate
the glory

Of the men

Who could not
be here today.

They fought a life
battle against death,

Brothers against cousins,

Hus--Husbands

Against uncles.

They had sores
on their

Hands.

[ Male ]
but i got the
permit right here.

Hey, look, we're
not about some
made-Up fairy tale party.

This is about
important history.

But we always hold
the renaissance faire here.
We do it every year.

Okay, alright, look,
why don't you guys
go in the parking lot

And have your
little pageant there.

No !

It seems as though
we've landed in two
different time periods.

Thank you,
science officer quandar
of sector five.

Who are you guys
supposed to be ?

Careful commander, these
aliens appear hostile.

These guys always show up
at our renaissance faire.

And they pretend
they've been transported
from some other time.

And then they try to
engage us in battle.

Set your phaser
on stun, commander.

Why don't you
set your phaser
on shut up ?

Why don't you
shut up ?

Alright, alright,
that's enough. Come on,
come on, let's go.

You guys take
off, all right ?
Just take a hike.

Well, eventually,
everything got squared away

And boss hogg was able
to get the moonshine
to his granny.

[ Interviewer ]
what about the
battle re-Enactment ?

Oh, well, that was held
out in the parking lot.

[ Soldiers yelling ]

[ Cannon fire ]

[ Car alarm beeping ]

[ Burr ]
yep, everything
was fine.

But someone bayoneted
a tire on a car.

That caused a problem
for a family of five.

What i really would
have liked to have seen

Would have been a battle
between the space people

And the medieval folks
and the civil w*r chums.

That park ranger, he could
have jumped in there, too,

I wouldn't have minded that.

Mr. Burr.
Huh ?

The doctor will
see you now.

Excuse me.

[ Applause ]

There you have it.

More great mr. Show
educational programming.

If you want more
programming like that,

Won't you call in
your pledge right now ?

Maybe we should go over
those premiums again.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, okay,
remember, uh,

For a slight donation
you'll receive this,

Lovely civil w*r
re-Enactment chess set.

Look at that, see,
there's lincoln.

Monster trucks.

And we also have
the 2,000 pound old man

Inspiration-A-Day
calendar for you.

Okay, can i
read one these ?

It'll be fun,
i'll read one.

This is kind
of crazy.

I hope no one
gets hurt.

"Excuses are
the gas

"That keep the
engine called us

In the driveway
of life."

That's kind
of motivational.

Yeah, i'd say
inspirational.

Still no calls.

Oh, hey, what
about the fake poo ?

[ Phones ringing ]

Yes, hello.

My grandmother's
turning 100 years
of age this friday,

And we want
to do something
really special for her.

You know,
she's getting on

And we don't know how much
longer she's gonna be...

Y'all got fake poo ?

Uh, hello ?

My wife's just been
diagnosed with inoperable...

Y'all got fake poo ?

Hey uh, my daughter's
getting married tomorrow

And i was wondering,
y'all got fake poo ?

Yeah, hi.

I got myself a fake toilet.

Y'all got fake poo ?

I'm terribly sorry,
i seem to have got
the wrong number.

I'm sure it's
not possible...

Y'all got fake poo ?

I just found out
my daughter's a l*sbian.

Y'all got fake poo ?

Hello, i live alone and
i have terrible constipation.

Y'all got fake poo ?

♪ hello, hello, hello !

♪ y'all got fake poo ?

I got a fake as*h*le,
y'all got fake poo ?