01x12 - Lexanity

[bunniefuu]

RANGER: This is
ridiculous, Rex.

In my day,
you only got
two physicals,

the day you were born
and the day you join the army.

[SCOFFS] Yeah,
you just wait until
you get to be my age.

Doctors become obsessed
with your prostate.

Every time
you get a sniffle,

you're playing
finger-in-the-butt roulette.

Finger-in-the... What?
They can do that?

They can,
and they do.

That's why I'm having
my private M.D. handle
our physicals.

Jewbot?

What does a machine
know about the human body?

As long as he
stays away from
my butthole,

I don't care.

I'm sorry, Lex.

Birth control coverage
does not extend to interns.

Oh, hi, Rex!
I mean, eat one apple
a day. Neh, neh, neh.

Hey, Lex, you're on the cover
of another magazine.

"Lex-Sanity,"
wow! [CHUCKLES]

I guess you take down
Dr. Devizo and people notice.


want to know

why I haven't joined
the League yet.

Rex, you got
a take on that?

Because Sergeant Agony
has Congress convinced

it would look bad
if I promote my
own daughter.

That's not what
Us Weekly thinks.

"Lex Lightning
brings the thunder,

"thighs with a side
of cottage cheese?"

What does that
have to do with any...

Oh, come on.
That's a bad picture.

That's celebrity
in America, baby.

We've both got to
get used to it now.

Everybody's talking
about Blex.

What? This is
ridiculous!

I am a serious
superhero.

Dad, we have to
get me on this team.

Go over Agony's head.
Complain to Kid Victory.

I have. Many times.

He's working on it, Lex.

Ugh!

No licking yourself
for 72 hours.

Not gonna happen!

Can you do 48?

No deal. 36?

Sure.
Minutes. See you!

Fantastic. Rex?

[SIGHS] Let's get this
over with.

All vital signs normal.

You're in acceptable shape.

I'll take that, Jewbot.

You're doing a stellar job.
I want you to know that.

Oh, there is just
one more thing.

W... Whatever do you mean?

I would not be
doing my job...

Jewbot, you're
scaring me.

...if I didn't check
your prostate.

No!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHIRRING]

[GROANS]

You want some Cooch?

[GASPS] Argh!

Don't get mad, get Brad!

[BEEPING]

[EAGLE SCREAMING]

I am sorry. I did not know
my fingers came off.

In my defense, your grip
was unexpected.

Well, your finger
was cold.

I thought I was
getting hollowed out
by a popsicle.

I'm going to
need that back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keep your voice down.

Next.

Well, Brad,
since you refused
to take any advice,

we'll wrap this up...
Oh, my God, your p*nis is out.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just I've got
a rash all over my wang.

Could have used the setup
before the reveal.

My best guess,
because I am not
touching that thing,

is that it's an
allergic reaction to cats.

Why would you
say that?

There is feline hair
everywhere.

Also, you are
f*ck' a cat.

Cooch!

From now on,
you must refrain
from making love to her.

Or any other cats.

I'm sad you felt
the need to add that.

I mean, I get it,
but still...

Ugh! I'm tired of waiting
for a place on this team.

My intern badge
doesn't even get me
into the sub-level gym.

Speaking of,
can I borrow your badge?

Apparently, I've got
some work to do
on my thighs.

No can do.
After the Devizo debacle,

these babies were synced
to our DNA.

Plus, I like the terrain
back there.

Helps me find my way
in the dark.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

W... Wait, what?

Ivan Whiff?

Billionaire defense
contractor Ivan Whiff,

but you were close.
Sort of.

I'd give you a card,

but this thing doesn't
have pockets yet.

I know you! You
invented that blanket
with the arm holes

you can wear to
the grocery store.

What? No, I didn't.
Where did you hear that?

I'm an inventor,
private defense
contractor

with fingers in
a lot of pies,

but I spared a thumb
for one more,

the superhero game.

I'm listening.

I'm not talking to you.

I saw what you did
to Dr. Devizo, Lex.

I think you might be
perfect for my team.

What team?

Again, I wasn't
addressing you.

But since the entire world
would like to know,

Whiff Worldwide built
and maintains

America's nuclear arsenal,

but I'm not stopping there.

I'm putting together
a privately funded
team of heroes

that will make the
League of Freedom look like

Ashton Kutcher's
Two and a Half Men,

a pale but not
unwatchable imitation.

That's very flattering,

but I'll have to
think about it.

Very clear I wasn't
talking to you.

Not that clear.

Mr. Whiff,
I don't know
what to say.

Say yes.
Yes, yes, yes!

Okay, look, buddy,
this is starting to get sad.

Think about it, Lex.

But don't take too long.

The future waits for no man.

I'm a man.
Shut up!

[CLEARS THROAT] Lex,
you know where to find me.

Guy talked my ear off!

Say, "Ahh."

I'll do that myself,
thank you.

[GRUNTS]

That's harder than
it looks.

Ranger, you seem agitated.

I don't appreciate
your man-made hands

exploring my moist,
God-given holes.

All right, talk to me.

[SIGHS] It's Gloria.

As you don't know,
because I rarely share

my personal life
with appliances,

we're in the process of
rebuilding our marriage.

Mmm-hmm.

[SIGHS] Gloria thinks
we should have a child,

and because she froze
her eggs in the '50s

and the future is
a whispered nightmare,

that apparently entails
me masturbating
into a test tube.

Well, yes, science has made

great strides
since the 1940s.

What is that?

A plastic cup for you
to masturbate into.

Wha... I'm...
I'm not...

I don't Charleston
with my chubby

on the whim
of a mechanical man.

What kind of godless
machine are you?

Let it out, Ranger.

I am a robot.
You can't hurt my feelings.

Medical advice
from an unfeeling,
dead-eyed automaton.

Okay, I felt
the "dead-eyed" thing.

That one got through.

[CRYING]
Brad, are you crying?

Oh! Scrap it when
you're done, dude.

Cooch, wait.

I'm crying because I can't
see you anymore.

Get some freaking
glasses, dude.

No, I... I'm allergic
to cats.

We have to break up.

That's it?
We're done?

See ya?

One last time?

Yeah, what the hell?

Holy hell!

Are there vines
growing out of it?

Oh! Ooh! Aw!

Psst. Jewbot,
I still haven't
passed that finger.

Should I be worried?

Hmm, the finger is sterile,
so there is...

No, no! Stop moving
your fingers, please.

Oh, I still have control
over my appendage.

I will keep that
in mind.

[GRUMBLES] Please do.

Hey, Dad.
Hi, honey. [LAUGHING]

I don't have anything
in my butt.

Did anyone ask?

Anyway, you know
what's really weird?

Ivan Whiff was just here.

Whiff? Ha! I've told him
a hundred times

there's no room for
wannabes on this team.

Actually, he's starting
his own team,

and he wants me to join.

Oh, he's just trying
to get back at me

for rejecting his application
to the League.

Or maybe he thinks I'm
being wasted grabbing coffee

and taking Cooch's
jorts to the cleaners.

Jorts?
Jean shorts.

It's really hard on me
that I know that.

Now, honey, Kid Victory
assures me he's working
on every...

[PIANO PLAYING]

Ah! Jewbot!

Are you playing
the g*dd*mn piano?

JEWBOT: Sorry!

Lex, I'm sorry
you had to see that.

Ah, oh, where'd you go?

WHIFF: That's 31 minutes!

Pizza's free!

Oh, Lex, it's you.

Does the offer
still stand?

Well, I should hope so.
They guaranteed that
it would be here.

Uh, the offer
to join your team.

Ah, yes.

Come in. I'd
offer you pizza,
but obviously...

LEX: Got it.

Where the f*ck
is that guy?

You've made
the right call, Lex.

I think you'll be happy
on my team.

You'll want for nothing,
except maybe pizza.


[CLEARS THROAT]

I hope making you
this custom uniform
wasn't too forward.

Wow, what is this fabric?

A special blend of
Indonesian satin

and rhinoceros foreskin.

How many foreskins?

If you care enough to ask,
you probably don't want
to know.

By the way, has that pizza
shown up yet?

No. f*ck!

[CLEARS THROAT
AND CHUCKLES]

So, Lex, you ready
to suit up for Team Whiff?

Well, I haven't
said yes yet,

but as long as I'm
not responsible for
pressing your jorts,

I'm all ears.

I'm a billionaire.
I dispose of my jorts
after one use.

That is...
That's impressive.

[GLASS BREAKS]

I'm here. I found
your unlisted address.

Consider your
first test passed.

This was not a test!

By the way,
who's throwing away

all the perfectly
good jorts?

Were you following me?

I guess I'm
a little jealous.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Listen, Whiff isn't my type.

Not of him, of you!

Make me an offer.
I can work around
your budget.

Oh, please leave!

Wait, I think I hear
a telephone.

Ring, ring!
[WHIRRING]

Oh, hallelujah on high.

Just watch.
Hyah! Hyah!

Sorry I'm late.
I... Ah!

[CRYING]

You! Get out of my sight!

Hey, honey, you should go.

You're right.

Mind if I
grab a few jorts
on my way out?

Now!

Jewbot, I don't appreciate
you making appointments
through my wife.

I thought I made
my feelings quite clear.

You may stop
worrying, Ranger.

I have devised a way
to make you comfortable
while under my care.

Holy Mother of God!

I have fabricated
an epidermis

that makes me
indistinguishable

from the average human being.

[SCREAMING]

Hey, Brad.

Jewbot said
you might not live
through the night

and I better
say bye to you.

So, bye. See ya.

No! Wait!
Cooch, come back!

What?

Yeah, dude. Nice phone.

Pick up the phone.

Cooch, just because I can't
touch you anymore

doesn't mean we can't,
uh, you know...

Oh, phone-bone?

Yeah, like, tell me your
dirtiest fantasies.

You sure about that, dude?

Please, for us.

Okay, here goes.

I want to pack your nostrils
with pretzels 'cause you
ain't gonna need those...

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

And then I'm gonna
take things inside of you
and things inside of me...

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
Oh.

And that would be a
pretty little d*ck bow,
wouldn't it?

Brad, what are you
staring at, dude?

Say something, Brad!

[GAGS]

Here, we generate
the launch codes

for our nation's
Whiff-branded
nuclear arsenal.

I have the encryption
key around here.

I'm so sorry. I'm having
trouble thinking.

My blood sugar's
dropped on account...

That there's
no pizza? Got it.

Look, let's just cut
to the chase.

Are you in or out?
She's out!

Dad, what are you doing?

You don't want to be
on this guy's team, Lex.

He's a dilettante.

Well, some of us
had to work for
our powers, Rex.

I wasn't born with
a Subtopian spoon
in my mouth.

You're missing
the point, Dad.

Whiff actually has a spot
for me on his team.

Okay, I get it.

Come home with me
and we'll figure
something out.

You mean, besides
calling Kid Victory, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, of course, of course.

Because...
I've already called him.

O.M. God.

You never called, did you?

You're not even
fighting Agony.

Lex, it's dangerous work.
You're just not ready.

You're protecting me,
like some little girl.

You are my little girl.

Listen to Us Weekly.

These aren't
the thighs of a girl.

Not the thighs
of a girl at all.

No one talks about
my daughter's thighs!

[GRUNTS]

You're going down, Ivan.

[SHRIEKS]

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
There's nothing in my butt!

I didn't ask.

All right, I think
everything is in order.

No, Gloria,
it's against nature.

I'm not doing it.

Uh-huh, okay.

I see.

I'm doing it.

Excellent. I will
give you privacy.

Where do I set the cup?

You hold it.
No can do.

I'm what they call
a two-hander.

Who is "they"?
Oh, this is
ridiculous anyway.

No, Ranger, wait.
We can work this out.

How? Are you gonna
hold the cup for me?

Oh. I suppose.

Why don't you check your
joke-ometer, Jewbot?
I was kidding.

I am your doctor.

An unthinking machine.

I can't come up with
a reason not to.

Unfortunately.

We doing this or what?

I'm... I'm trying
to get in the mood.

What was it with all
the pretzels again?

I'll explain it again.
Oh, God.

I want to pack
your nostrils
with pretzels

'cause you ain't gonna
need those. Then...

Oh, God.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

If we're doing this,
let's do it.

I am ready.

I thought you might
need a visual.

May your aim be true,
brave soldier.

[GROANS]

RANGER: Come on.
You can do this, Ranger.

You rubbed one out
in a fox hole
surrounded by wounded men.

You can do this!
[ZIP OPENS]

[GRUNTING]

Ha-ha! [GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

Your powers were impressive
once, Rex,

but technology is nipping
at your heels.

[GROANS]

Say hello to my
diamond-woven nano-net.

I'm sure you'll find yourself
quite helpless.

Son of a b*tch!

Those things cost $300,000!

You couldn't have just gently
stepped out of it? Ah!

I always said you weren't
cut out for this, Whiff.

Now, open wide.

[WHIMPERING]

Dad, stop.
What? But I...

I've made my decision.

I want to be
a part of a team
that's gonna lift me up,

not hold me back.

Lex, don't do this.

I just need some time
to get comfortable
with the idea.

Several weeks you've been
sitting on this.

Oh, come on.
I just found out
I have a daughter.

It's hard for me to imagine
sending you into combat.

Well, you won't
have to, Dad.

I'm going with Whiff.

Are these
the team tryouts?

Ugh! Leave!

Some kind of waitlist
I can jump on?

Go!
I've been training.

Don't care!
Lex, can I be
on the team?

Not my decision.
Rex, any strings
you could pull?

What?
Whiff, going once...

Why?
...going twice...

f*ck off.
Ready to go?

Yep. Oh, not me?

Screw that guy. The League
of Freedom's where it's at.

I'm still
a member, right?

Yeah, I'm still a member.

Whiff Worldwide
is proud to announce

the date of
an exciting announcement.

Tomorrow, we will
live stream the details

of a new direction
for Whiff Worldwide.

REPORTER 1: Does this
have anything to do with
your superhero patents?

REPORTER 2: Is Lex
Lightning involved?

Uh, I think fans of Lex
will want to tune in to
the live stream, yes.

[CHUCKLES] But that's
all I can say.

REPORTER 3:
Over here, over here!

Well, I hope she's happy.

You do? I hope she's
miserable with that
butt baby Whiff!

We both have to respect
her decision.

He is a butt baby
though, right?

Totally!

Well, I guess
if you love something,

you just have to
let it go and see if you...

Are you wearing jorts?

Uh, that a problem?

All done.

I will freeze this sample
until you and Gloria
decide what you...

What...
Ranger.

What have I done?

Excuse me?

A symbol of America
just cranking it into a jar

in the name of science.

Welcome to the future.

And goodbye to my soul.

Wait, after
what we shared, I...

Shared? I don't know what
you think happened in here,
Jewbot.

Ranger, I am your friend...
Technology is your friend.

Friend? What? My friend?

Technology dropped bombs
on me in the w*r,

trapped me in
a time tunnel for 70 years,

and not 15 minutes ago,

technology eye-f*cked me
while I wrapped off a batch.

Frankly, I wish technology
had never been invented!

[SCREAMING] Ow!

[GROANING]

Ranger, your appendix
is about to burst.

A simple surgery would
keep you from dying,

but since you do not
believe in technology,

I will gather the leeches.

This seems awfully g*dd*mn
convenient, Jewbot.

Yeah, well, regardless.
[GRUMBLING]

Honey, I don't think
you're getting on the team.

Ivan sort of thinks
you're an idiot and hates you.

That's not why
I'm here.

I just wanted you to know
that I've had a hard time
with you being gone.

I... I miss you, too.

I've had to pleasure
myself quite a bit.

I've been gone
for two hours.

I was thinking of you.

I mean, you were
in the rotation.

Son of a b*tch!

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Agony. What's he
doing here?

I've got to
thank you, Agony.

If you hadn't kept Lex
off the League,

I never could have
lured her to my team.

And with the public
on her side,

you'll snag Rex's
contract next term,
and that'll be it.

The end of
the League of Freedom!

O.M. God!

To the new age
of the privatized
superhero team.

Pfft, I'll drink
to anything.

So, what are we thinking?
Strip club?

The forecast for
Spearmint Rhino
is 100% rain.

You know what I'm saying?
Unless that pizza's here.

Oh, dude, don't ask.

Well, hell, Brad,
if we can't phone-bone,

I mean, how do we
make this work?

I don't know.

If we stay together,
you could k*ll me.

Well, what can we do?

Die, I guess.

[GRUNTS]

You called it
from the beginning.

I can't kick the Cooch.

I love you.

Cool! I'll get
the pretzels!

No pretzels!

I got to get around
to taking some photos.

Well, well, well.

Look who's taking
a trip down memory lane.

What the hell are you
doing here, Agony?

Thought you might
want to watch

a little
streaming content.

Uh, it's entitled
The End of the League.

Settle, settle,
settle, please.

Welcome.

I'm excited you're all here
to help me usher in

the future of super heroics.

You're not thinking
of going out there,
are you, Lex?

If that butt baby launches
his super team,

it's bye-bye,
League of Freedom.

The League of Freedom,

a once-glorious institution
plagued with decrepitude
and mismanagement.

I wrote that line.
Pretty proud of it.

But what if I told you
there was another way?

A super team
based on efficiency
and technology?

A super team anchored
by someone

who actually knows
how to get things done?

And for once, I'm not
talking about myself.

[GRUNTING]

Let me introduce you
to the first member
of Team Whiff.

Black Saturn?

Did you just make me
a member of your team?

No!
Fine, then get ready
for an a*s-kicking.

Oh, dear God.

[GRUNTS]

Do you understand that?

[MUMBLES] Sorry.

There must've been
a ring in my ear.

Oh, that was terrible.
Let's do this.

Ah!

Wait!
[LAUGHS] Good idea, Lex.

You end him.

Lex?

[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]

Uh, check, testing.

Thank you all for coming.

I'd like to make
an announcement of my own.

The League of Freedom
is my family,

and I will be
remaining with them...

As an intern.
Yes!

[GRUNTS] I will show
myself out.

Where are you going, Agony?

I was watching that.

Aren't you gonna
say goodbye... Ah!
[ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING]

Jewbot, for the love of God,
quit this sh*t.

Lex, you saved the League.

Keep your
metal hands off of

my warm-blooded organs,
you demon!

It would be so easy.

A few extra drops
of morphine and...

Oh, hello.
I saved Ranger.

Ranger, buddy, get up.

Oh, wha... Huh? I'm alive?

Oh, thank you,
blue-eyed patriarchal God.

Perhaps science had
something to do with it?

Jewbot, I owe you an apology.

Whether you have
blood or motor oil

running through your veins,

a friend's a friend.

I'll always remember this.

Okay, can you explain
why my p*nis looks
like chewed up hamburger?

Perhaps your three-hour
masturbation session?

You know, my above-average
dong is red, too,

and I've been rubbing them
out left and right.

Ah! I'm itching
inside and out. I'm dying!

Well, it appears
in her thriftiness,

Marjorie acquired
a new lotion from Big Lots.

"Contains peanut,
mango and shrimp."

That's every allergen
in the book.

I've been rubbing
that stuff all over
my body.

So you ain't
allergic to me.

Ooh! Let's bone!

Everyone done? Good.

'Cause I have something
to say to my daughter.

Now, Lex, I know
I have been overprotective,

but if you're
still willing,

I'd like to offer you
a position on this team.

Is everyone cool with this?

Hell no. I made
a snap decision about you,

and I stand by it.

Okay. All right, is everyone
except Cooch cool with this?

Lex, one DNA-synced
League membership card.

[GASPS] I didn't think
this day would ever come.

Yeah. That must've been
a hard four weeks.

There is one anomaly
in your DNA I'd like
to go over.

Some of your peptide chains
appear to be insectoid in...
What is that?

Oh, nuclear command codes
I stole from Whiff.

What would you
do with those?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Silly, they're not for me.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

They're for Dr. Devizo.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]