01x13 - Lex as a Weapon

[bunniefuu]

Dr. Devizo's terror b*mb
was stopped by
The League of Freedom.

You can see
the destruction behind me.

REPORTER: With Dr. Devizo
still at large...

[expl*si*n]

[g*nshots FIRING]

That's better.

Time to start the show.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

The League of Freedom?

How did you uncover
the lair of Dr. Devizo?

It was simple.

It was simple.
We followed
the smell of crazy.

We followed
the smell of crazy.

[EXCLAIMING]

Rex?
Sure. You've earned it.

[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]

I thought Devizo was
supposed to be some
sort of evil mastermind.

Then I hope getting
his a*s kicked was
all part of his plan.

[CRYING]

[LAUGHINg MANIACALLY]

[BEEPING]

DR. DEVIZO:
You're early.

They learned my secret.

And?

I go now into the last
great mystery, death.

I'm sure any second now.

You know what?
You guys keep talking.
I'll keep you posted.

You were right.
[CHUCKLES]

Thwarting your escape
was enough to get
me one of these.

You're a proud member
of the League.

You're a proud member
of the League.
And membership
has its privileges.

And membership
has its privileges.

We've got a big day
ahead of us.

And remember,

try to have fun.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH GROAN]

You want some Cooch?

[GASPS] Argh!

Don't get mad, get Brad!

[CRASHING]

[BEEPING]

[EAGLE SCREAMING]

LEX: Cooch?

Cooch?

Snooze!
Damn it!

Come on, get up.
Today's the big day.

Remember when
I took down Dr. Devizo

and everyone started
liking me more than you?

Yeah. Sucks, dude.

Well, what you and the rest
of the League didn't see

Well, what you and the rest
of the League didn't see
was that he also passed
me the combination
to a storage locker.

was that he also passed
me the combination
to a storage locker.

And it was full of presents.

LEX: Thing's so cool.

Recognize this?

It's the EVO RAY
that evolved you

from a cat into a...
Whatever you are.

But if I adjust the setting...

You could evolve me
into a supercat?

What?
Yeah, a supercat.

Hey, I'm a robber man!

Oh, this looks like
a job for Supercat!

[GRUNTS]
Taco Blast!

[SCREAMS]

Damn, dude! How did you
turn that dude into tacos?

sh*t, dude. I don't know.
How'd I do this?

[SCREAMS]
LEX: Cooch!

Cooch! Cooch!

You really have
no attention span, do you?

[SCREAMS]

[MEOWS]

Cooch?

[YOWLS]

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay.

Ugh. Hey, Lex.

Is Cooch okay?
Why are you so happy?

Oh, because of this.

Oh, because of this.
It's a new drug.

It's a new drug.

Some might call it
a super drug.

Really?
Yeah, but you
wouldn't like it.

You know, the high
is way too strong.

You know, the high
is way too strong.
Oh, well, maybe
I'll try one little...

Oh, well, maybe
I'll try one little...

Oh! Ah, there's
the sweet...

Oh! Ah, there's
the sweet...
Oh!

Oh!

Oh, hello, Lex.
You're looking
quite evil and scary.

Oh, hello, Lex.
You're looking
quite evil and scary.
[GRUNTS] Ahhh!

[GRUNTS] Ahhh!

Is this a f*cking time tunnel?

Is this a f*cking time tunnel?
[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Ugh.
Hey, babe!

What's goin' on? Huh?

Not again!

Dance party? Cool!
I'll grab my Jock Jams.

O.M. God!

I just betrayed
your entire team!

Do you have to
ruin everything?

What? Wha, wha... Uh...

I see what's going on here.

I see what's going on here.
I just told you
what's going on here.

I just told you
what's going on here.

Don't act like
you figured it out!

But Lex, why?

I never loved you.

I hated every moment
I was with you.

We're through!

You... You're
breaking up with me?

Oh, no!

[SOBBING]

Sounds like Lex
broke up with Saturn.

Well, shaping up to be
a nice, little Tuesday.

GROANER: Warden coming.

I can't even get a phone call.
I have cats!

You guys need
some new material.

Oh, f*ck! The fish!

I've got
a saltwater tank, Rex.

Let me call
my sister, please!

And to what do I owe
this honor, Rex?

Lex wanted me
to check on you.

She thought she might have
ruptured your colon

when she beat your a*s
like a drum.

That Lex,
such a considerate girl.

Hologram! Another
g*dd*mn 'gram job!

[GASPS]
[COUGHS]

What do you think
of my new threads, Rex?

What the hell did you do
to my robot?

I broke him down
for spare parts

I broke him down
for spare parts
and made a badass
exosuit out of them.

and made a badass
exosuit out of them.

I thought it was obvious.

I had just wrapped
my mind around the fact
that he was alive.

That was big for me!

That was big for me!
Well, let me just turn
this thing off first.

Well, let me just turn
this thing off first.

Jewbot's holographic projector
really drains the batteries.

[STAMMERS] All of them?

I'm giving you all
to the count of three

I'm giving you all
to the count of three
before I introduce your ba*ls
to Mr. Foot here.

before I introduce your ba*ls
to Mr. Foot here.

By my count,
there are 12 sets
of ba*ls here.

You have no chance
to kick them all.

[GROANS]

That's for being
so g*dd*mn smart.

He's aiming
for the ba*ls, guys!

Take him apart!
[SCREAMS]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Ow! Hey!

I like the way
you get whipped!

[GRUNTS]

This is how it ends, Rex.

You're over the hill,
and I have a world
to re-engineer.

Of course, I'll need
to wash the planet

in a nuclear winter first,
but you understand.

You'll have to get
through the League first.

The League was defeated


Feel free to check my work.

[SCREAMS]

No.
[BLACK SATURN CRYING]

Lex? Lex? Lex?

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry.
I couldn't resist.

This is your surprise, Rex.

Your reward for being
such a great dad.

Lex needed
a father, Rex.

You understand.

But Lex, you're my daughter.

You're half right, Rex.

I am your daughter...

But I'm also your son.

Okay... How?

Well, it's actually
quite common for insects.

No, but that
doesn't make sense, Lex.

It's not like Rex
has been blowing
his DNA into a bug.

Oh, wait.

Frau Mantis.

Who you used
whenever you felt like it,

until that fateful day...

[BEEPING]
In 10 heartbeats,

your precious city
will be a crater.

I can't let
that happen, Mantis.

It's me or the pathetic humans
you've sworn to protect.

I'm sorry!
[SCREAMS]

LEX: You threw her away
like a crusty sock,

an unwanted jack rag
drying to the wall.

an unwanted jack rag
drying to the wall.
Hey, take it easy.

Hey, take it easy.

Don't you tell me how to talk!
You haven't earned that!

No, that was
a little too vivid,
if I'm being honest.

Shut up!
This is my story.

I was pretty much done.

Hey, guys, coming in
at the end here,
where's Lex?

I am Lex.

Uh... [GROANS]

Huh? Uh. [GROANS]

Now, with the encryption codes
Lex stole from Ivan Whiff,

I will be using
the Super Mansion's computer

to take control
of America's nuclear arsenal.

My dream of re-engineering
society in my image

will finally come true!

This Tuesday
really went to sh*t.

Uh... What? Oh.

So, what's
the plan, Rex?

Well, we can start
by burning my d*ck off.

Just when I think it can't
cause me anymore trouble...

Ta-da!

If I did Lex,
and Lex is a dude,

that means that I...
Ergo, uh... Ooh.

We've got to break out of here
and unplug our computer

before Devizo can
launch those missiles.

The mansion's mainframe
is protected by
three feet of solid steel.

Even my subtopian magnoblast
can't penetrate that.

But we've got to do
something, we're heroes.

Are we?

I banged a bug
and spawned a monster,

and now millions are
gonna die because of it.

And Jewbot, all I have
to remember him

is the finger he lost
up my butt.

What?
Nothing!

Aw, so glum, Rex.

I thought when you got
to your age,

you stopped
menstruating!

And I can make jokes
like that because, you know?

Yep, I boned a dude!

Come on, lover boy.
I've got a score
to settle with you.

Where are you taking him?

He used my body
for pleasure.

Time to return the favor.

[VILLAINS CHEERING]

Gentlemen,
this mansion is ours!

[ALL CHEERING]

The League of Freedom rots
in their own prison!

[CHEERING]

We will bathe this world
in a nuclear winter!

[CHEERING]

Sexual reproduction will be
a thing of the past!

Wait. What was
that last one?

In seconds,
World w*r III will begin.

[BEEPING]

Okay, more like
a couple of hours.

Groaner, how could you,
after all we've been through?

All we've been through?

Dude, you cut off my finger!
You can eat a d*ck!

I'll destroy your body,

just like my sexual
bait and switch
destroyed your mind.

Actually, I've given
this a lot of thought,
and I'm cool with it.

What?
I got to bang a sexy redhead
for a couple of months,

and you got railed
by one of the 21st century's
preeminent sex athletes.

I remember between
two to four pumps

and some very
lackluster apologies.

Sounds like we got
a real he said,
she-he said situation here.

Why are you not freaking out?

It's a post-Brokeback
world, man.

I did a dude.
What's the big deal?

Sometimes I'd transform myself
in the middle of the night,

Sometimes I'd transform myself
in the middle of the night,
and I'd just dip
my junk in your mouth.
I'd just dip.

and I'd just dip
my junk in your mouth.
I'd just dip.

I was in a frat. Next?

Son of a b*tch!

Groaner, cook him like a pig!
I can't look at him anymore.

It would be my plea...
Dude, do you have a b*ner?

I like the freaky stuff.
What do you want me to say?

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]
Give it up, Brad.

Those bars were designed
to hold the strongest
villains on Earth.

What happened to you?

My legacy is going to be
the homicidal maniac

my libido unleashed
on the world.

How could you
even look at me?

How could I...
Oh! [GIGGLES]

What's going on?
Jewbot's finger,
I can feel it!

That means...

Jewbot, you're alive!

Yes, I have survived
my decapitation.

What sort of creature
survives a decapitation?

Oh, there's that
mildly amusing introspection

we know and love!

we know and love!
Jewbot, get us out of here!

Jewbot, get us out of here!

With what?
All we have is my forehead

With what?
All we have is my forehead
and the finger lodged
up your rectum.

and the finger lodged
up your rectum.

and the finger lodged
up your rectum.
The finger.

The finger.

It's, uh...
It's up there pretty good.

Cool. Well, if we're
done here, I...
No, no! Fine!

Just yank it, Jewbot. Do it!

[SCREAMS]

It's so shiny.

Fiber, baby.

[MEOWS]

[BEEPING]

He did it!

Good God!
What year is it?

Have we taken back
the Oval Office
from the Kenyan?

It's only been a few hours.

I can't hear anything.
I've got the time sickness.

Good God, you look like hell!
It must be 2075 at least.

You guys up for this?

We may be battered, but
we're still your team, Rex.

As a severed head,
I am less inspired,
but, sure, whatever.

Well, I can't hear a word
any of you are saying,

but everyone's nodding,
so I will follow suit.

[COUGHING]

Let's do what
we do, people.

Where the army
seems powerless

to reclaim The League
of Freedom's headquarters,

to reclaim The League
of Freedom's headquarters,
God only knows
what's going on inside.

God only knows
what's going on inside.

[SCREAMING]

We both knew
our dance of death
had to end like this.

We sure had
some good times,
though, didn't we?

Actually, you know what
I do think about a lot?

That time I teamed up
with that bellbottom dude.

What was his name?
BOTH: Flower Power!

[CHUCKLES]
I told him we were
going to "blow a safe,"

but he didn't see
the industrial fan.

And by the time
I showed up, he was...

And by the time
I showed up, he was...
BOTH: Chopped
into little pieces!

BOTH: Chopped
into little pieces!

[LAUGHING]

Anyway...

[SCREAMS]

Ah, decryption complete!

Now to input the launch codes.

COMPUTER:
Initiating launch sequence.

Estimated time, 27 minutes.

Estimated time, 27 minutes.
This is f*cking ridiculous!

This is f*cking ridiculous!

What if the Chinese were
actually attacking right now?

What if the Chinese were
actually attacking right now?
What is Devizo doing in there?
[COOCH MEOWS]

What is Devizo doing in there?
[COOCH MEOWS]

Holy sh*t!

Aah! Get this b*tch off of me!

This is it, team!
Split up and take them down!

Jewbot, you're with me.

Yes. I will provide valuable
tactical information...

Ahhh!
Or that.

Get this b*tch off of me!

[BARKS]
[MEOWS]

So we get the skinny junkie
and the house cat.

I think my partner,
Quiplash, might have
something to say about that.

Nice cat.

Dude, what
the f*ck was that?

There's something
you should know about me.

[COOCH YOWLS]
[GRUNTS]

That I'm really
good with p*ssy.

You see?
That's how you do it.

[BOTH GROAN]

REX: Hope you like
pants down spankings.
What?

You've been a bad boy, Lex.

You sure about that?

You wouldn't hurt
your loving daughter,
would you?

Never gonna get used to that.

[GRUNTS]

Now, this is a great use
of my time.

[GROANS] What did you do
with Black Saturn?

[GROANS] What did you do
with Black Saturn?
You'll never know.
k*ll him.

You'll never know.
k*ll him.

k*ll him?

Well, I... I guess
this is it, man. I...

[SIGHS] Any last words?

Why don't you
come up with something?

You were always
the funny one.

No one's ever said that
to me before.

Wait! No, I'm not
falling for that!

But how about, "I'm not one
to be the prod man out?"

Yeah!
[LAUGHS]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
See, see, that was funny.

Wait a minute.
You... You really meant it.

Wait, wait. What?
You're my arch nemesis.

I k*ll you, I have to
find another one.

Ugh, still got a b*ner.

Things on a hair trigger.

It finally happened.
The lizards mated
with our women.

You cold-blooded b*stards!

Pretty sure that was r*cist.

What? What are you saying?

[DISTORTED GROWLING]

I won't be part
of your sick experiments!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

You're still my daughter.

Daughter? The only thing
you gave me was
this titanium hand.

Daughter? The only thing
you gave me was
this titanium hand.
And now I'm gonna
k*ll you with it.

And now I'm gonna
k*ll you with it.

Ahhh!

Aw, do you regret teaching me
how to use my powers?

That's the thing, Lex.

I didn't, not all of them.
What?

Every child born
of House Titanium

is taught to use their fist
by their parents.

You... You never taught me?

No, because deep down,
I knew you weren't a hero.

I don't care
what the tests say, Lex.

You are not my daughter.

Wait, Dad.

Get out of my mansion.

Dad?

No! [SCREAMS]

[GASPS]

Where are you?
Stay away from me!

Stay away!

Shall we finish this, Rex?

Shall we finish this, Rex?
Absolutely.

Absolutely.

[GRUNTS] Ow!

Looks like

you're p*ssy-whipped!

I did it.
That was beautiful.

[SOBBING]
I really did it.

Now, let's m*rder
these two in cold blood.

Now, let's m*rder
these two in cold blood.
m*rder this, you sons of...
Whoa, sorry!

m*rder this, you sons of...
Whoa, sorry!

What, what, what?

What, what, what?
What? I'm naked.

What? I'm naked.

Don't look at me! Ah!

Sorry!
One more time.

[MEOWS]

Who wants some Cooch?

Whoa! [MEOWS]

[GROANS]

Yeehaw!
Oh!

[LAUGHS]
Yeah!

Where are you going, Rex?

Rushing towards death?

Blazar.

Blazar.
The last time, you bested me
with trickery.

The last time, you bested me
with trickery.

This time... [GRUNTS]

Smile, butt baby!

[CRYING]

Devizo, shut it down.

A room full of supervillains,
and they couldn't keep

Rex out of my hair
for 20 g*dd*mn minutes?

Is that you surrendering?
Huh?

Rex, where's Ranger?

Wait, stop! [GRUNTS]

Your dominion over
the human race is finished!

[GRUNTS]
I surrender! Surrender!

Please stop punching me!

[DISTORTED GROWLING]
Please! [GROANS]

Hey, my hearing's back!

GLORIA: Help, Ranger!
Gloria!

Gloria!

You take one more step,
and the Blue Menace here
tears Gloria in half!

I don't know.
Maybe I'll just
shake her really hard.

It'll still get the job done,
but then maybe

we don't all have nightmares
for the rest of our lives.

Whatever. The point is,
she's going to die.

So, what will it be, Rex,

your side piece
or the fate of humanity?

I choose...

Nah! Time's up!
You get neither.

COMPUTER: Launch initiated,
T-minus five minutes.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

[BEEPING]

What's happening?

No, no, no!
Ahhh!

Oh!
I love you, baby.

Hey, what's happening?

Hey, what's happening?
Jewbot's body
and CPU are connected.

Jewbot's body
and CPU are connected.

You'd know that,
but you haven't had

his finger up your a*s
like I have.

Maybe don't share that.

Maybe don't share that.
Release me!

Release me!

Interesting idea.

No, on second thought,
go f*ck yourself.

No, this can't be... Oh!

Four minutes to launch.

Rex, the launch!
We have got to destroy
the mainframe.

How?

What are you thinkin', Rex?

There's a lava flow running


It just might be hot enough
to melt the mainframe.

And you.

That's a sacrifice
a leader has to make.

No, Rex, don't worry about it.
I'll do it. I got nine lives.

Cooch, that's not real.

Uh, I... I knew that. sh*t.

I'll drive
the g*dd*mn machine.

This is not a democracy.

My mind is made up.
[ENGINE STARTS]

COOCH: Brad?

COOCH: Brad?
What the hell
are you doing, man?

What the hell
are you doing, man?

Get out of there this instant.

Get out of there this instant.
The team needs you, Rex,
a lot more than
they need a big, pink junkie.

The team needs you, Rex,
a lot more than
they need a big, pink junkie.

Now, that is
just not true, Brad.

What are you doing, man?

I'm trying to be a man
that you can be proud of.

My last boyfriend was
a strip club deejay, dude.

You don't have to do this.

I do.

He'll be okay.
I know it.
I'm waiting here.

This whole area is
about to be flooded with lava!

[THUDDING]
We have to go!

Come on, baby. Faster!

[SCREAMS]

Checkmate, Rex.

Check... What is that?

[ALARM BLARING]

Launch canceled.

Oh, sh*t on me.

[BOTH GRUNT]

I... I guess this is it.

Yeah, totally.
Get out of here.

I... I'm going.

I'll miss you, bro.

These were the greatest
months of my life.

Oh, sh*t!
Seriously, we should
get the f*ck out of here.

No sh*t! Uh, peace!

Smell that, y'all?

That smells like one
big f*ck up from
The League of Freedom.

[LAUGHS]

Where's Brad?

[SIGHS]

Brad didn't make it.

sh*t. Wish you would've
said something

before I started
raggin' on y'all.

He was the only one
of you m*therf*ckers
I really liked!

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, didn't know
what the play was.

Uh, yeah. I mean,
I appreciate it, but...

Oh, no, no.
That was weird.
Don't worry about that.

Lookin' good,
you pink junkie.

I'll never forget you, Brad.

In the end,
he was a true hero.

You were right
to believe in him, Rex.

You were right to believe
in all of us.

We may not act like it
all the time,
but we're a team.

We are, aren't we?

Guys, they're here!
The new candidates.

Oh, I'm gonna haze
the sh*t out of 'em.

I guess it's time
for us to get back to
making America free-er.

And there's the fact that
we let every last one
of our villains escape.

And don't wanna be a bummer,
but I'm still just a head.

Yeah. Well, that, too.

Well, I'm just saying
it's been three months.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]