02x05 - The Seven Million Dollar Man

[bunniefuu]

[MAJESTIC MUSIC]

RUDY: Any new romances since
your last psychological evaluation?

Well, I kind of thought I had something
going there for a While, Rudy.

Lady just cooled off
on me, though.

Kinda think she might've
found another guy.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

I see.

Excuse me, Doctor.

The tape's gotten fouled.
It'll take me just a minute or two.

Oh, never mind, Carla.

That's about it.
This guy's boring me to death anyway.

Quite a change from those tapes we got
when we first made him bionic, eh?

That's for sure.

If you two don't mind I'm just gonna
lock this away in the security file.

You know, Steve...

those early tapes
might've reflected a pretty depressed...

pretty insecure fellow, but at least
then you were halfway interesting.

You had problems,
anxieties, pressures.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

Compare this last tape
with those early ones...

I can say that I've literally
heard a man grow.

Stature, self-respect...

I'm proud of you, Steve.

So you played a little patty-fingers with
my head nurse there for a While, eh?

Well, Rudy, While you were rebuilding me
into something other men weren't...

Oscar was convincing me that
I'd be better and stronger and so forth.

STEVE:
Carla was there, you know.

All those days and nights that I spent
staring up at the hospital ceiling...

she was there.

[BIONIC EYE SOUND EFFECT]

What're you looking at?

I'm not sure.

Steve!

Get me the gate guard!
Hurry!

[BIONIC SOUND EFFECT]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Harry? Who was the guy
you just logged out in the sports car?

Me? Not through this gate,
Colonel.

Well, Harry, I just saw him.

Sorry, Colonel, but I don't know
What you're talking about.

FLIGHT COM:
It looks good at NASA One.

B-52 PILOT:
Roger.

BCS Arm switch is on.

FLIGHT COM:
Okay, Molar.

B-52 PILOT: Landing Rocket Arm switch is on.
Here comes the throttle.

Circuit breakers in.

STEVE
Wall!!!.

B-52 PILOT:
Inboard and outboards are on.

I'm comin' forward with the side stick.

FLIGHT COM:
Looks good.

PILOT:
Ah, Roger.

STEVE:
I've got a blowout in damper three.

SR-71 PILOT:
Get your pitch to zero.

STEVE:
Pitch is out. I can't hold altitude!

B-52 PILOT: Correction. Alpha Hold is off.
Threat selector is emergency.

STEVE: Flight Com. I can't hold it!
She's breaking up! She's breaking--

ANNOUNCER:
Steve Austin. Astronaut.

A man barely alive.

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.

We have the technology.

We have the capability
to make the world's first bionic man.

Steve Austin will be that man.

Mum

Better, stronger, faster.

[MAIN TITLE THEME]

The guard says no...

his logbook say no.

Oscar, I know what I saw.

And now I want
to know why, Carla...

for you to be game-playing
with me like this.

Oh Steve, you're being ridiculous.

May I go now, please, Doctor?

Look, Carla,
I know you're no spy...

and a single tape of that stuff wouldn't
be worth anything to anyone...

but it is rated top secret and
you did pass it on to someone.

Now Why?

Steve, the vault computer shows
that the tape marked PSY-12...

was dropped into the vault slot
by Miss Peterson at exactly...

Then I want to see it
and I want to hear it.

Steve, I went down there myself,
I personally unlocked the vault.

But I didn't!

He's calling me a liar.

Please.
May I go now?

No, you can't!

Oscar, he was in the complex...

which means he's got security clearance
and a current photo on his I.D.

Look, pal, I dropped everything
and high-tailed it down here...

because you imagine
that you saw...

What I'm starting to imagine, is the
three people I trust most in the world...

are gas-lighting me.

Now I won't try to guess Why.

Now do I see that I.D. file or not?

[BIONIC EYE SOUND EFFECT]

[BIONIC EYE SOUND EFFECT]

Satisfied?

No-

[BIONIC EYE SOUND EFFECT]

You know, I thought
you looked familiar.

Barney Miller...

drove that car to two consecutive
world championships.

Pretty talented fellow.

And I'm sure he's no spy, either.

Just about the worst crash
I ever saw on a race track.

I remember seeing it
on the news about...

oh, a year and a half ago,
wasn't it?



He's all right now, though.

Yeah, I'd read that
he'd survived somehow.

But you know, I haven't heard the
name Barney Miller since then.

What's he doing now, Carla?

Steve, please.

Well, a champion driver
sustains near-fatal injuries...

has access to the facilities
of Dr. Rudy Wells...

whose very, very decent
Nd kind-hearted nurse...

is just a bit more fond of the
patient then she ought to be.

Then I ought to be?

You violated top security for him.

But why for that tape?

It contained nothing more than the same
old quarterly psyche evaluation questions.

Well, if it's any consolation to you,
I just got fired for it.

Oh, so Oscar and Rudy
were covering for you.

But apparently only
in front of me, huh?

What's Rudy Wells treating
Barney Miller for, Carla?

Steve, I broke security today...

and it just cost me a job that I loved
and a boss who trusted me.

So don't ask me
to compound the felony, okay?

Oh, but I am asking.

I'm asking a very close and valuable friend
to fly just as straight and level with me...

as she always has.

I can't believe that's become
impossible between us, Carla.

Barney Miller must be some great guy for
someone like you to fall for him that much.

Hi.
- Hey.

Hey, hey there.

You okay?
Everything's okay?

Sure.

Hey, I'm glad you're here.

I'm very, very, very glad.

Barney, what's the matter?

Nothing! Everything's fine,
just fine.

As a matter of fact,
I took my nephew to the park today.

He still thinks I'm still terrific.

Old Uncle Barney, vroom vroom,
taking that old checkered flag.

Anyway, the kid wants to wrestle
around some, like we used to.

A little roughhouse, you know?

Fine, terrific, had a ball.

Except I forgot myself for just a second.

I almost broke the boy's leg

Oh, Barney...

No, he's fine, he's fine.

Just kind of scared me
for a minute, that's all.

Barney, you're not too used
to that stuff, maybe you'd--

Hey Joey, how about a little refuel
and one for the lady.

Did you listen to Steve Austin's tape?

Yeah, I listened.

Sounds like he's in great shape.

But it's not working for me.

Hey, it will.

You're gonna get used to it.

You think so, huh?

Don't you understand?

That's not my hand.
That's not me you're touching.

Carla.

Well...

Well, well!

Joey, we have been joined by a real celebrity.

Barney, don't.

Be at ease, my love...
be at ease.

A man who has walked
on another world.

Steve, I'm Barney Miller.

Yes, I know.

You're quite a celebrity yourself.

No, past tense, my friend...
past tense.

Looks are not deceiving, you say?
No carnival freaks, you say?

Well, Joey, my good man,
we have right here with us today...

With us today, ladies and gentlemen...

a man Who's physical strength
would confound...

would amaze,
would overwhelm us all.

That's enough, Barney.

Steve, he's not used
to drinking so much.

You mean I should just
shut up and slip quietly away?

Okay, my love, okay.

But first, Steve,
we arm wrestle.

You've arm wrestled, haven't you?
Everybody's arm wrestled.

Don't worry, Joey, at most,
minimal damages.

Steve?

Some other time, Barney.

You want me to continue my dissertation
on your physical attributes, huh?

Okay, Barney.

Ready?

Go.

Did you really think that when
the great Oscar Goldman...

pushed one of his little buttons
and ordered up you...

his brand new bionic gadget...

do you really think he
only ordered one of a kind?

Wrong.

OSCAR: All right.
Rudy Wells lied to you.

He had the gate guard
falsify the log book...

and I lied to you.

I had them remove Barney Miller's
I.D. from the file...

because I didn't want you to know that
they were preparing a second bionic man.

Why?

Steve...

your friendship is most important to me.

Oscar, I don't lie to my friends.

There are times when I have to lie.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Look, I don't go along with their thinking.

They look upon you as a prototype.

Of course, the very nature of your
assignments, what you have to do...

it does make you expendable

So to protect yourself, you built
yourself another cyborg.

Just in case.

And you expected me
to tell you that?

My own computer tells me that
your life expectancy is lousy?

So what else is new?

I didn't have to go
along with them.

You want a drink?

No.

I could have refused...

but I didn't.

Okay, Oscar,
I can understand that.

Thank you, Steve.

I appreciate that.

At first, it seemed like a good idea to keep
the whole thing a complete secret.

Barney's body was accepting
its four bionic extremities.

Four?

Four.

The same way as
your body accepted its three.

And then...

psychologists said they weren't sure
whether he was adjusting.

In any case, we're sending him
out on his first mission tomorrow...

and I thought maybe you might,
well, give him a little pep talk.

Pep talk?

Well, you are his counterpart.

You're the only one
that he can identify with.

To tell you the truth--

It's the truth this time.

He's a very upset and depressed man
as you probably saw.

That's why Carla sneaked out
my psyche report?

Yeah, she thought that
if he could hear your tape...

it would give him confidence...

make him feel that he could
lead a normal life, fit in again.

Wrong thing to do,
wrong way to do it.

But you know,
suddenly becoming bionic...

and trying to believe that you're just as much
a human being as you once were...

I haven't quite forgotten, Oscar.

I'm sorry, Steve.
Excuse me.

Will you just talk with him?

Look, Oscar, he's not ready
and you know it...

Not ready?

Were you ready on
your first assignment?

Listen, I believe that he'll perk up
on his first assignment...

the same way that you
did on your first one.

You believe it or do you hope it?

Please, Steve?

I need your help.

All right, what's the mission?

You know that plutonium project
I've been working on?

Yeah?

Well, we found out Where they waylaid
our 800 pounds of our plutonium.

A man on the inside told me that they're
delivering it to a safe station tomorrow.

What, in broad daylight?

Barney's going to be there
with ten of my men.

All he has to do is just pick up that 800
pounds of plutonium from the delivery truck.

No rough stuff, no g*ns.

Otherwise they'll go screaming to the U.N.
about diplomatic immunity again.

I'll go with Barney.

Thank you, Steve.

I appreciate that.

Just appreciate it enough to give
Carla Peterson back her job.

She's got it.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Whatever kind of truck they bring it in,
they'll have to stop to get that gate open.

BARNEY: It still doesn't give us
much time, though.

How's the hangover?

Uh, rotten, thank you.

Hey, look, Steve, I'm sorry.

For a non-drinker, I do put on an
outstanding lounge act, don't I?

Man, I just hope
I don't louse it up.

Well, we just grab the box
and off we go.

You'll be fine.

Yeah.

Every time it gets cold out,
this arm starts creaking.

BARNEY: Had it back to
Doc Wells three times now.

Funny, sounds like I'm talking
about a power saw, doesn't it?

Well, what do you expect?

The lousy quality of labor these days.

I know what you mean, friend...

but you're still almost new, still under
warranty, What do you got to worry about?

Yeah, I guess.

Relax, Barney.

Like I said, you'll do fine.

Fine.

Yeah, we're both just fine.

A couple of carefully engineered
deadly weapons...

by Oscar Goldman
out of Dr. Rudy Wells.

[PHONE BUZZES]

OSCAR:
Operator One? Operator One?

Operator One.

Operator One, this is the information.

Light-colored panel truck will arrive
at your location in a few minutes.

Thanks, Information.

You know, Barney,
if we are deadly weapons...

we're the only ones I know of that're
equipped to save and build...

as well as destroy.

That's pretty valuable.

Valuable, yes.
What did you cost?

Six million.

Six?
Seven.

Well, old inflation gets us all.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Tell me something.

Did I really beat you
at arm wrestling?

I mean you weren't just--

[HORN HONKS]

Okay, now forget about the men.
We don't want to hurt anybody.

It's that little box we're after.

Whenever you're ready.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Ahh!

[BIONIC SOUND EFFECT]

[GROANS ]

[BIONIC SOUND EFFECT]

[METAL CREAKING]

It's wild, Steve!

It's wild!

[BARNEY LAUGHING]

Rudy, it was fantastic.

I can't even tell you the feeling!

Sounds like you had a ball.
- A ball.

We were like a two man army,
I mean, those guys went flying.

Rudy, you should have seen 'em.

Well, I take it, Barney,
that you feel more useful now?

Useful?

Between Stevey and me, well...

old Uncle Sam's really got something
to be thankful for, Doc, I can tell you that.

You're all right.

As a matter of fact, I think old Oscar
and I might have a little chat about that.

What about, Barney?

Listen to the man, Rudy!

Astronaut, world famous,
authentic physical miracle.

Probably still buys his wrist watches
at the Air Force PX.

BARNEY: Listen, Stevey boy...

When you've got it, you don't
flaunt it, man, you use it!

It's funny, I never thought too much
about that when I was driving.

I just loved to drive. That was it.

Yeah, but now,
sitting here in this driver's seat...

old Barney is alive and well!

Is he.

Well, isn't he?

I mean, you tell me, Doc...

you got Steve Austins and Barney Millers
just lying around by the dozens, have you?

Barney, the adrenalin's flowing, you're
feeling good. Don't get carried away.

Away! And that rhymes with pay!

And that stands for Oscar!

Oh, Why not?

I didn't select him,
you know.

I not only didn't ask to be like this.

Up until the day, I was still Wishing I'd died
instead of agreeing ever to be bionic!

Hey, come on, Steve.

You're trying to tell me you never even
thought about using What you are...

to write your own ticket?

And it's so simple.

No pay, no play.

I mean, what're they gonna do,
get rid of us? No way.

It cost too much to put us together.
Right, Doc?

I mean,
we are just too valuable, Stevey boy!

Are you finished, Barney?

Cool it.

One more thing, Doc...

as long as I'm in here, you might as well
adjust my bionics up to peak strength.

Why not? I can handle it, right?

A winner wants to stay a winner,
he stays in top shape, no matter what.

You know, I think maybe the two of us
should work out together, yeah.

BARNEY:
Regular schedule kind of thing.

Maybe even a little competitive
bionics now and then.

Nothing serious, just a little...

friendly fooling around.

I mean, you and me, Steve, we...

We got to be {fiends' fight?

STEVE: Oscar, you've read
all the debriefing reports.

His instability is going to increase
where anything might happen.

His pre-op physical was perfect.

As good as yours.
And physically...

His trouble is not physical, Oscar.
You know that.

He needs some more work
with the psychiatric team.

All right?

No more missions for a while,
I admit it, I made a mistake.

Oscar, he can't handle
being super strong.

Now you've got to give him
the one real chance he has left.

Remember,
you offered it to me once?

The chance to bail out, save his sanity!

To be as close to the man he was,
before it's too late.

You want me to take seven million dollars
worth of bionic perfection...

and toss it down the drain, huh?

Well, I've got one advantage
over you there, Oscar.

I don't care about the
seven million dollars.

All right, Steve,
I suppose that's the only way.

What it means is that Dr. Wells
will neutralize your bionic power.

Now nothing else
will change, Barney...

except when it came to strength,
you'd be normal.

I don't think you can
handle it, Barney...

and I think you know that.

It'll give you time to deal with
being part man and part machine...

I can help you through that.

And I've got to level with you.

It was my idea...

and Oscar okayed it.

The neutralization process
is irrevocable, Barney.

It means no more
bionic strength ever.

What's the matter, Stevey boy,
you are afraid of the competition?

Well, no way.

Oscar would never have made me bionic
to begin with if he didn't need me.

At full strength.

If he follows your advice,
what's he gonna do the next time...

he needs that second cyborg, huh?

Well, I guess if he
thinks the plan is feasible...

he'd probably go out
and build himself a third one.

Huh?

Well, I'll tell you, you--

If Mr. Goldman no longer
requires my services...

I'd just as soon go into
business for himself anyway.

A little private enterprise!

What do you think about that,
my good and loyal friend?

Hi, Colonel.
Excuse me.

Jerry, what are you doing here?

Mr. Goldman asked me to
introduce myself to Mr. Miller here

This isn't the time, Jerry.

Why not? You work for
good old Oscar, do you?

Well, yes, sir.

Mr. Miller, I --

Well, come on, man.
Spit it out!

Well, sir, Mr. Goldman thought
you might be good enough...

to accompany me
to Dr. Wells' office.

Dr. Wells' office.

Well, well, well.

You certainly don't waste any time,
do you, Stevey boy?

STEVE: Barney, I had no idea...

Barney!

Call Oscar,
tell him what's happened.

Okay. Okay.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Barney, I have had it with you!

Up to here!

Now wait a minute!
- Nobody forced you to be bionic.

They made a bionic man out of you
and you can't handle it, okay?

But you're gonna stop knocking
people around, understand?

All right! All right!

What do you want me
to say, it's true.

You think I like What
I'm turning into?

Look, you're too valuable
a person to throw it all away.

Valuable?

Let me tell you what value is.

I drove the fastest race cars in the world,
and I did it better than anybody else.

Indy, Le Mans,
I won it all, everything.

That had value...

because it was me doing it. Me!

Normal flesh and blood,
Barney Miller!

Man, I do anything now,
it's not me.

It's just a bunch of wires
and nuclear muscles, right?

I don't know.

I have a crash that should've k*lled me,
I don't even die like I should.

I wake up and I tell Oscar,
I don't care what it is, go to it!

The next time I wake up,
I find I've been rebuilt...

very oddly.

And I don't like it.

I almost flipped out when they
connected those bionic limbs to me...

but I came out the other end.
I don't know how...

but somehow I did.
You can, too.

It'll be easier when
they reduce your power.

I can help you through that.

We owe you that much.

You know what's really
driving me nuts?

What?

You know what's driving
me nuts, Stevey boy?

Because you made it...
and I can't.

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

I want all the files, Oscar.

All the blueprints, all the data.

Everything there is on
the building of a bionic man.

Barney.

I could pronounce very grandly that never
again must an Oscar Goldman...

be allowed to create
another such thing...

as he's made out of What used
to be Barney Miller, human being.

But I'm not that noble, Oscar.

I can't afford that now.
It's survival time.

You did make me useful again,
valuable...

but only for as long
as I'm special, right, Oscar.

You're not gonna
reduce my strength.

You're not gonna neutralize me.

I'm gonna stay unique and valuable.

I'm gonna make sure there
can't be any more cyborgs ever.

Barney...

You're alive.

That has value.

Alive?

[METAL CREAKING]

Cyborg project, Code C-1.

That won't tell you anything.

It'll tell me where to look.

Oscar, if you're thinking of sending
anyone to try to stop me...

send my friend, Steve Austin.

Will you please?

Hello, Barney.

Oscar didn't call to warn you?

He called.

But if I'm afraid, Barney,
it's not of you...it's for you.

This isn't you, Barney.
I know you.

You're gonna unlock the
computer memory bank for me, Rudy.

Code C-1, Project Cyborg.

I'm gonna Wipe out the source
material on bionic construction, all of it.

Oh, I see.

What man cannot live with,
he destroys.

I'll k*ll you, Rudy.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Has the area been cleared?

Yes, sir. None of our guards
or personnel are anywhere near the area.

A man from my department will
be here any minute.

Yes, sir.

Over and out.

What are you doing here?

I told my secretary under no
circumstances are you to--

I know, I know.

He's already in there then, huh?

I want you to stay
out of this, Steve.

The military have been notified.

My people will be here
in just a minute.

Oscar, you want Barney dead?

I want to stop him
before he gets to Rudy!

No g*ns, Oscar.
I want your word.

I can't risk the destruction
of bionic source material.

Steve, you can't stop him.

BARNEY ON P.A.:
Oscar, I know you're out there.

We got Rudy.
If you try and stop me, I'll k*ll him.

It isn't Rudy he wants to k*ll.
It's me... or himself.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

All right, Rudy,
the rest of it.

Give us time, Barney,
I know we can come--

Push the button, Rudy!

BARNEY: Sub 2, V-7.

Subterranean Level 2.

Vault 7.

Thanks, Rudy!

Barney, stop!

Please!

You know they're gonna stop you!

This is lunacy!

You put me together, Rudy,
the nuts, the bolts, the wires...

tell me, can the machine be more
lunatic than those who created it?

Well now! Sorry, I haven't got
time for you right now, Steve.

Maybe after I'm finished downstairs.

You're finished now, Barney.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[LOUD CRASH]

[METAL CREAKING]

[BIONIC SOUND EFFECT]

[BIONIC SOUND EFFECT]

Finish it, Steve!

Finish me now, please!

No, Barney, no.

Well, your body's reacting normally to the
reduction in bionic power, I'm happy to say.

How much longer?

Oh, two, maybe three days
at the most.

Then we'll have to run some tests.

Don't go away.

I just came to tell you, Barney,
to remind you...

you're gonna come
out the other end.

Well, I have to know
you're going to try, Barney.

It's important to me.

Okay.

Okay.

How is he?
Is he all right, still?

Rudy says he's gonna be okay.

Good.

Why didn't you come in?

Oh, he wouldn't want to see me.

Not right now anyway.

You know, pal, I never did
realize how special you are.

You really are one-of-a-kind.

I mean it.

I'm not talking about my Cyborg plans,
or Rudy's technology...

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

it's the kind of man that you are.

You know, Oscar,
that's very flattering.

How about a raise?

[END THEME MUSIC]