01x04 - A Family Affair

[bunniefuu]

in the place where you live now think

about Direction wonder why you have it

now stand in the place where you were

now face think about the place where you

live wonder why you have hand in the

place where you live now m Direction

wonder why you have it now in the place

where you were now

face the place where you live wonder why

you hav stand in the place where you

are so I don't know my kids they do the

darnest things I go upstairs last night

and there's Tommy up there right he's

got on Betty's high heels so I look a

little closer closer he's got on

lipstick and

mascara these kids they do the cutest

craziest things you kids do that kind of

stuff right well uh yeah I think once

Bobby put on one of my socks by

mistake yeah yeah yeah you see that's

exactly the same kind of thing oh crap

Charlene you listen to your big sister

leaving that bonehead Morgan was the

smartest thing you ever did well I don't

know he just got to be a snooze it's not

like he did anything wrong I just don't

think we're compatible well of course he

did something wrong you just don't know

what it is yet but I guarantee he did

something because that's the way men are

and if you don't believe me you just

read that book smart women all men are

stupid b*stards or

[Applause]

something hi

Sharon hey nice dress I think I saw that

one on the Home Shopping Network this

sold about 400 of them in a minute let

me put this just as delicately as I

possibly can Larry and I are having a

dinner party get the hell out of here

jeez

sorry hi folks sorry I'm late I had a

little trouble getting by Checkpoint

Charlie so Sharon aren't you going to

introduce me Ted Betty an idiot please

excuse her she's stinking drunk hi I'm

Chris Peterson and you're uh Higgins

aren't you yeah I recognize you you guys

are on my route and hey you owe me for 3

weeks you know I'm not one to bring up

business at a social Gathering but I

would hate to see that show up on your

credit report

pal

[Music]

hello

[Music]

[Music]

who is this ravishing exquisite

combination

of

stuff this is Sharon's sister Charlene

Larry that is the most vile disgusting

filthy joke I've ever heard in my entire

life I'm going to count to 10 and Sharon

that may have impressed people when you

were three but I think this is a little

more sophisticated crowd here so charene

how long are you going to be in town for

Chris don't I hear your mother calling

Chris lives with his fets Charlene which

isn't too surprising considering he is a

30-year-old Pap boy you know I think

what your sister's trying to do is make

me look like an idiot but don't judge me

until you know the facts the truth is

I'm head paper boy and I do not live

with my parents I live in a very cool

bachelor pad which just happens to be

over my parents garage there I think I

made your sister look rather foolish

didn't

I could someone besides him please

talk anybody hear that new George

Winston CD it's it's so anyway I had the

weirdest dream last night

I'm in the supermarket in Brazil and I'm

in the frozen food section and for some

reason the frozen turkeys are on sale

now these aren't just the generic frozen

turkeys these are the real ones these

are the butter ba*ls Chris maybe this

wait ba so I squeeze one of them to find

out if it's fresh or not and suddenly

another one pops up and starts chasing

me down the

aisle which is pretty odd you know to

have a turkey with a knife chasing you

down the aisle you know because usually

we're the ones that are cutting up the

turkeys well that's just the first level

so I run past the soup section over to

the g*n department so I'm puking and

puking up live fish and some of the fish

are trying to swim back Upstream back

into my

mouth For Heaven's Sake would you look

at the

time but wait you you haven't even had

dinner yet yeah we have a wonderful

Tru

well that's okay that just means there's

more for us my dreams always really make

me hungry hey folks don't forget that

money I'll be by your house tomorrow

dead beats boy they certainly were an

exciting pair I think we're much better

off

with I'm sorry about that Charlene

[Music]

honey come on Sharon he's not a bad guy

he's lonely okay he needs a little help

with his social skills really guys it

wasn't so bad it was kind of like

spending an evening with Daffy

Duck if your stupid friend comes

anywhere near my sister again I will

k*ll him and you drag your lifeless

bodies to a remote wooded area and then

bury you both in Shadow grave honey

she's probably never going to see him

again hey kids hi we've got a little

announcement to make Charlene and I have

a date

[Music]

tomorrow okay here we go here's popcorn

for

Larry Red Vines for

Charlene and Sharon here's your nachos

with mustard hot fudge sauce and extra

butter asked for raisinet

oh I'm sorry you must have slurred your

speech I didn't quite catch

that Larry isn't Charlene just the most

perfect woman you've ever met in your

life I mean was Sharon just keeping her

under wraps until you guys got married

and then when you finally met her didn't

you want to just blow your brains out or

something I hate it when people do that

it's so rude there's plenty of other

seats in the theater yeah I know what

you mean all right honey let me show you

a little trick that goes back to Queen

Victoria watch

this God I feel

sick yeah just a little insurance policy

to make sure we don't have any more

inconsiderate

Neighbors

that's Charming isn't he well I do have

an unobstructed view now charene I can't

believe you can't see what

an pleas the news re is about to

begin hey sound sound check your speed

it doesn't make any

sense it's a French movie with subtitles

Larry they're just talking baby talk

that's the name of this movie let's all

talk baby talk or

something sir could you please take your

feet down and be quiet excuse me Mr

Adolf ikeman I happen to have to sit

this way for medical reasons at home I

use nothing but a contour chair and

there are none provided here hence my

reclining

demeanor you're out of here wise

a*s hey what

the what

oh they're being L of them should we

help him no Sharon will you get over it

already they just had one date it is

just that he was with her breathing the

same general air getting his disgusting

Cris microbes all over I know but you

saw what happened last night he didn't

make a great impression they'll probably

never see each other

again

is there a problem

Sharon I'm sorry we weren't expecting

you home in the bed in the guest room is

a single Charlene Sharon's the one who

should be apologizing she just screamed

over the part where Jack kugman tells

the results of the

autopsy Charlene out Larry burn the bit

okay I warn you I'm not wearing

underpants stay where you are Charlene

out Larry burned the bed Shar I don't

know what you're so upset about your

sister said it was okay in fact she said

it was

incredible but I don't want to go into

that right now that would be

distasteful going to wash my eyes out

with

soap this man didn't die from a b*llet W

look at this grab poison uh Larry Larry

you're amazing you've done would you

mind giving us a few moments we'd like

to

cuddle Mom Dad I think I've just met the

one I want to spend the rest of my life

with oh no he's found another stray dog

no dad for your information it's a woman

the most beautiful woman in the whole

wide world and who knows we might even

get married well getting married is a

big responsibility dear I know Ma and I

know that if it ever comes to that my

lifestyle would probably have to change

for instance I'd probably have to take

on another Street on my route well Chris

if you do wind up getting married and

you need a little extra help getting

started just remember this comes right

from the heart son we're on a fixed

income you know I know the two of you

probably think I'm just childly

infatuated but I've honestly never felt

this way about a person before in my

life and besides the sex is incredible

Chris we're very grateful and flattered

that you feel close enough to share this

with us and that we're close enough to

talk about these things but let's not

ever that's right son we just don't

appreciate that kind of Filth talk in

our

house I love you

guys good morning Larry good morning sis

he doesn't even knock anymore well why

should I knock we're practically family

and you know in my family when somebody

comes in the door we

hug

uhhuh nice kittens grassy field

flowers there isn't that better now

where's Charlene I'm supposed to take

her to the mall and then uh then

uh Charlene moved to China got hit by a

truck and was

cremated I see so in your own colorful

way you're telling me that Charlene is

upstairs right now making herself pretty

for me that's fine I'll just make myself

at home and wait right here

oh oh boy we are going to make a great

family by the way turkey wise I'm a dark

Meat Man and uh around Christmas time

I'm a 28 was and about a 40 inse and at

yankapur you're all invited over to my

place for a big blowout of a

fast you know I'm starting to understand

why there are so many suicides on the

holidays you know Sharon I am starting

to sense a little sarcasm from you now I

want you to know that I am having the

relationship of my life with your sister

and that's very moving to

me for instance the other day we were at

the lake

and

well

Charlene

I'm sorry but the hose wouldn't reach in

here will you take it

easy I know what I'm doing maybe you

don't know what you're

doing now this whole thing could be

explained by a small aneuris MIT I'm

fine he's spontaneous he's unpredictable

and he's taught me that Benny Hill can

be funny in small doses

it really hurt to see a doctor or better

yet a

deprogram Chris maybe you're right she

is sort of a major yeah no

kidding what did he say about me oh

nothing Sharon that's privileged

information lover

Secrets come on Charlene let's go to the

mall and uh and then

uh we've got to do something about this

no

Sharon

what excuse me have we just entered a

parallel universe where you disagree

with

me I just think that Chris and Charlene

have the right to date who they want to

date I mean sure Chris is a kind of gas

head idiot and gets on people's ears but

the point is he has rights and as his

best friend I have to stand up for these

rights so I support this relationship

and I think if you're a decent person

you'll do the same you

know you're

right what was that you're

right my sister should be able to choose

her own

boyfriend I don't believe it I really

had an effect on

you hello Morgan this is Sharon Charlene

sister

well I I'm just calling because you I

think Charlene misses

you well hi you two how was your day oh

pretty good until we ran out of

condoms how Charming it's like living in

an old coward

place oh

Morgan Charlene Morgan what are you

doing here well I thought that uh I mean

your sister said uh excuse me could

somebody please introduce me to

Jethro this is Morgan Boulder my

exboyfriend Oh Come Charlene let's

introduce him properly this is Morgan

former allpro quarterback now partner in

one of the largest Contracting firms in

the state fer oh my well hi I'm Chris

who cares because Charlene obviously

likes me a lot better

Peterson Morgan I can't believe you're

here you heard the lady why don't you

run along

hey pal stay out of this okay listen Mr

big shot Donald Trump new rockney Green

Hornet you may think you're one big deal

with your fast cars and your fancy

jewelry and your ham

radios I bet you can't do

this I'm sorry

Charlene it's my fault that you've had

to turn to idiots for

companionship I'm sorry that you had to

turn to Companions for idiot ship see

the old

reverse St what is it with you how many

Nicks are you going to snap in my honor

Morgan I swear I'm giving you 3 seconds

and then so help me God I'm going to

scream like a

woman Morgan drop

him

okay

listen friend if I've lost any range in

my singing voice whatsoever you're going

to have to answer to one poo church

choir I'm sorry

Charlene well it's just that when your

sister called and said that maybe you

wanted to get back together again oh

Morgan look I'm sorry if you got the

wrong impression and have been cruy and

evily

misled but our relationship is over I

know that no I I was fine with that I

never would have drove all the way over

here if she didn't call that's a 4H hour

round

trip I'll tell you something you're

paying gas and

tools there well guess I scared him off

huh

Sharon from now on you stay out of my

romantic life or I'll pin your neck

against the wall do you hear me yes now

leave us

alone wow honey that was great boy now

there's nothing in the way of our

relationship it's just you and me

forever excuse

me well Charlene do I have to say it

with cubic

zerconia Chris our time together has

been terrific but you didn't think this

was a permanent thing did you I mean

this is just a Mindless fling I just

broke up with my boyfriend a week ago so

this could never be anything but a

classic transitional

relationship anybody would know that all

right now wait a second hold all calls

Missy are you saying that you just used

me like a piece of common household

cheese no I don't think so well maybe I

I didn't make myself clear you use this

Temple which I call my

body as a Dumping Ground for your

Twisted sexual

desires oh yeah yeah I guess I

did gosh I'm

sorry no don't be sorry that's

great wow I was actually used for

sex and I was too stupid to even realize

it wow me a sex

object that's something I can tell my

grandkids

about thanks Charlene thanks a lot Boy

Hey listen if you're going to be in town

next week why don't you give me a call

and then maybe we can have a little more

sex sure weirder

things

hey Larry I think your sister-in-law

just used me for sex Chris I'm sorry no

I liked it and you know something I

think I've learned a valuable lesson

here that women on the rebound are

animals aren't you going to miss her

yeah I am but you know what I'll always

have my

memories know your R in the morning sun

I feel you touch me in the foring

rain and the moment that you wonder far

from me I want to feel you in my arms

again and you come to me all the

suffer keep me warm in your love then

you sof me and it's me you need to

show how Deep Is Your Love Is Your Love

deep is

your are you going to get him out of

here honey he's enjoying his memories

he's a psycho let's just go to bed he's

usually gone by

morning oh my god I've gone

blind

[Applause]

hi I'm hoe Mandell one of the most

important stars on good grief if you

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get a rash from it and on The Simpsons

this Thursday there's an all new episode

where Homer grows hair so tune in and

find out where Homer grows hair this

Thursday night now stay tuned for

Married with Children and then good

grief

oh