01x05 - Pile of Death

[bunniefuu]

Edward rut of Spring Valley New York

walked backwards from Brooklyn to San

Francisco Billy turn to the guy with the

longest fingernails what

P here it comes here it

comes oh there it is oh gross gr it out

get it away from me get it away from me

I'm going to throw

up you think that's disgusting listen to

this Chester Walcott the human pretzel

was able to wrap his arms around his

legs and his legs around his head that's

simple I can do that I'm double

jointed

broke hey guys it's easy where are you

going hey hey where are you

going hey come back here

oh okay I think I just pulled

something there goes the old back and

there goes the old

groin I'm getting too old for this kind

of

crap stand in the place where you

live about Direction wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you have

people and in the place where you live

now M Direction wonder why you have it

stand in the place where you were now

face the place where you live wonder why

you have so stand in the place where you

are so stand

and

damn coming soon a brand new parking

lot they're going to tear down my

childhood

playground

no no what kind of stinking nealis world

are we living in

Chris stop it don't shove I'm next stop

stop

[Music]

oh ow I think I broke my

legs oh look at that cute little

squirrel hey it has shaving cream ol's

mouth get away from that it has

rabies

no not another giant needle in the

stomach

ow no they're not going to do this to me

this is my playground damn it this is

part of my history part of all of

greenville's

history my very personality heart and

soul had its Genesis right here in this

playground

this is where I learned about tolerance

and about sharing and how to cruy tease

my

peers I was spawned from this golden

soil which now has glass in

it what about Billy and Eddie and Danny

help us Chris help us protect them

future please please don't let them

deprive us of the kind of wonderful

memories you had save our playground

please please help us Chris help us I

will boys I will help us I will help us

I will help us I said I will stop

ning I bow that as long as I breathe the

filthy stagnant air of this planet

nothing shall come between me and my

childhood

playground so then the assistant to the

mayor's office sent me to the Greenville

Landmark society and then from there I

had to go to the town planning committee

and then after that to the Parks and

Recreation Department and from there to

the pet store why'd you go there I

wanted to look at the little

doggies and then finally the city

council told me there just isn't enough

money in the budget to maintain the

playground can you believe that it cost

a lot 300 bucks a month by my

calculations about a grand a year

actually 3600 a year yeah exactly and

they can't find the money in the budget

to maintain it well Chris let me tell

you in my day if we saw something we

didn't like we'd rally together Against

The Establishment we'd demonstrate

against the fuzz and burn our draft

cards dad you're talking about the

turbulent 60s you grew up during the

Depression gladus one of these days we

got to put our time life march through

the decades collection in the proper

order will you make a note of that

I just think it's terrible they're

tearing down that old playground granted

for the last couple of years it's been

nothing but a rad infested Haven for

drunken teenagers and a stomping ground

for Dangerous Drifters but every quaint

small town needs a place like that

exactly M and that's why I'm going to

raise the money to save the playground

well that sounds real Noble son well

thanks Dad how about slipping me a

couple of bucks as a donation towards

saving the playground oh no we're

elderly people Chris we're out of fixed

income we don't have extra money around

to squander on frivolities oh by the way

dear if you're going by the Civic Center

would you pick up our tickets to the

Jack Jones concert for tomorrow night oh

great Ma I guess that's not a frivolity

huh are you nuts boy we're talking about

Jack freaking

Jones okay I'll pick up the tickets and

now it's off to save the playground help

us Chris help us I will stop it leave me

alone

the best things in life are free but you

can keep them for the birth and Beast I

want

money what I want what I

want what I want that's what I

want

what I want what I

want your love and give me

a don't love won't pay my bills

my I

want I want what I

want what I want

I money don't get everything is true

what if don't get I can use I want

money what I want what I

want I what I

want what I

want I want

money

money

Larry it's horrible it's awful they're

tearing down our childhood

playground oh I'm sorry am I

interrupting something here as a matter

of fact yes that's okay you can thank me

later Larry Larry do you believe it the

playground and no one in this town cares

you mean the place where we became Blood

Brothers Larry I've tried everything to

get the town to save this park no one's

interested they're all cut up in their

own little personal problems all they

care about is buying things for

themselves clothing food medicine I'm

telling you it's the Me decade

course people are just basically

apathetic you need something to get

their attention you need a gimmick yeah

why don't you drink a bottle of chlorox

or drive your car off a cliff I'd pay to

see

that what if I broke some world's

record Larry this it's perfect this guy

broke the world's record for having

stuff stacked on top of him 2,000 lb

that's a cinch I can break that because

I'm actually used to a lot of weight on

me sometimes when I sleep at night I use

an extra blanket it's perfect we'll

charge people to put stuff on top of you

they'll come from miles around to lay

something really heavy on your stomach

you know something pal you might just

save this park after all and who knows

they might even erect a statue in your

honor thank you Chris thank you thank

you Chris thank you thank you Chris

thank you thank

you thank you thank

you

well you're in perfect health for a guy

who's probably going to die this

afternoon my blood pressure is okay and

everything I don't know didn't think to

check

that ready buddy yeah okay let's get

started so we can build a crowd here

assume the position doc you want to give

me a hand over here

mhm okay bring it on okay there we go

and now as your best friend I'd like to

be the first to place an item on top of

you here's my

money and a folding chair weighing 3.5

lb get it off I quit I

quit oh that's much

better okay that's fine yeah I guess

it's all a matter of just Distributing

the weight wait properly this going to

be a oh

boys a refrigerator not just a

refrigerator oh my dear sweet

God

[Music]

Dr Kramer I don't think Chris looks too

good he looks okay to

me I just wouldn't give him any more

tomato

juice yeah Larry it's very acidic wipe

my mouth off will I'm

diling I do want to warn you boys again

though this is a very foolish Venture

and I can't condone any part of it the

next item that goes on this pile might

very well k*ll him so are you saying we

should just give

up that's a hard call it'd be a shame to

quit after You' come so far quit

nobody's quitting I'm not leaving here

until I save this

[Applause]

playground thank you thank you all very

very much Chris that's not for you

they're applauding Ben Spangler he's

coming in with a huge tractor tire

and so I proudly place this

373 lb tractor

tire on top of the pile of

death Larry did we change the the name

of this event I think that's what the

town's people have affectionately dubbed

it it on it on it on it on Chris listen

to that that's all for you buddy isn't

it wonderful to have this town behind

you supporting you all the

way Larry Larry my my worst fear has

been realized

my knee itches well scratch it I can't

reach

it Dr Cramer what should we do well I

could go in there with a coat hanger and

try to scratch it for him but it might

k*ll him lry I've got to take that

chance there's a children's playground

at stake here go ahead sign the

papers

[Music]

[Music]

okay

all you got it oh that's it right

there that so much better you did it do

youing

[Applause]

it we're not out on the woods yet I

still have to get the hanger

[Music]

out ah oh sorry false alarm

Okay push it up up up push it push it a

little harder a little harder

Peterson is there a Chris Peterson here

here down here

hey my name is Harold pit representative

of the Big Book of World

Records

yeah we were notified that you were

embarking on some sort of fpp him in an

attempt to gain entry into our

publication yes sir and to raise money

to save our childhood playground yeah

right what sort of a record were you

going for ly well I'm trying to break

the world's record for having stuff

stacked on top of

me we have no such record in our book

well you sure do there's a picture right

here on page 93 I don't need to see the

book ly I know it by heart and Page 93

recounts a dreadful incident which you

have obviously misread in 19

1843 a gentleman by the name of Malcolm

Kent attempted to break the world's

record for pile stacking tragically as

Malcolm was hoisting a cool furnace on

top the pile collapsed and Mr Kent was

trapped underneath its 2,000 lb forcing

his internal organs out through his cake

hole like so much tooth polish and

sending him off to meet his makeup you

see boys what you have there is a of the

Carnage afterwards not the actual event

I don't believe

this you don't seriously think that we

would cond do on such a name poopery as

this do you my I could get k*lled that's

exactly what I've been trying to tell

them guess if you don't sound like the

Beatles nowadays no one listens to

you is when I'm off to find a nice Pub

pot of G Jam tart and uh fritt

pups

gee Chris you really blew this world

record thing huh yeah I guess so but the

more important thing is I'm going to

save this playground for you Little

Tikes playground who needs a playground

we just sit at home drink Dr Pepper and

watch

MTV boys would you leave me alone with

my thoughts for a while

please Larry let's just count up the

cash and get the hell out of

here

yeah sorry folks I did my best uh Chris

I got some bad news we're a little short

of the $3600 that we needed well how

short well actually uh we only have

$192 well Larry did you count it right I

could count it again but I don't think I

missed

$33,000 Larry how did this happen what

kind of an accountant are you I guess I

should have charged a dollar a pound

instead of a dollar an

item who would have ever thought the two

of you could have screwed up something

like this I am shocked Chris relax I'll

explain it to the town's people there

are friends and neighbors they'll

understand ladies and gentlemen there's

been a little misunderstanding we meant

to charge by the pound instead of by the

item for instance uh Ben Spangler you

owe uh $372 more go to

hell now k*ll him the witch Larry I

failed I failed oh I

failed now hold on I heard that let you

and I have a little heart to heart young

man hope I didn't screw up your little

death pile here who cares that's no kind

of attitude to have let me tell you

something I know you tried to save the

playground but you didn't so what and

you screwed up that world's record deal

so what the important thing is that you

tried you gave it your all not a lot of

people in the world that do that anymore

it's something to be proud of I'm proud

of you and I love you

son thanks Dad gosh I feel a lot better

now I'm glad to hear that now do you

have those Jack Jones tickets we've been

looking forward to that concert all week

yeah I do but the funny thing is they're

in my pants pocket and there's no way I

can get to

them you are an

idiot I don't believe it it's Jack you

oh hold me Fred I might faint what the

hell is going on around here I been

stuck in traffic for 20 minutes what's

everybody doing down here at the town

dump well sir we're trying to save our

local playground from the wrecking

ball gee Mr Jones are you here because

you support this playground I don't know

well you're not against the playground

are you why would I be against the

playground this sounds to me like a

bonified endorsement by a major

Entertainer me it was all the money I

got

Mr Jones you know how you could really

help us if you'd sing a song then when

they move those damn cars sure let me

have my charity event

microphone Call Me Irresponsible call me

unreliable throw in undependable

to do my foolish eliis bore

you well I'm not to clever I just th you

call me unpredictable tell me I'm

impractical rainbow I'm inclined to

pursue Call Me Irresponsible yes I'm

unreliable but it's undeniably

true I'm irresponsible ably mad

for

[Applause]

you Chris we did it we have enough money

to save the

park just a moment I have an

announcement to make oh great now we got

the man from The

Avengers it seems that a world record

has been set after

all great you mean I did it not exactly

no the record goes to Mr Jack Jones The

Only singer ever to perform a top a pile

of rubbish stacked to top a ra silly

man it's a bit quirky and perhaps I've

had a few too many rum tuties but at

this late hour it will have to do

congratulations Mr Joe thank

you

hey Mom Dad where's everyone

going

hey Treasure

Island oh dear God in heaven no

no I'm really getting too old for this

kind of

crap every every once in a while a show

comes along that just plain makes you

glad to be alive drop by sincerity

Mortuary later tonight and you'll see

why howy Mandel stars in the new Fox

comedy good grief and don't go away and

all new Married with Children is coming

up

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