01x09 - Bored Straight

[bunniefuu]

metal Brook Lane turned into 125th

Street

oh my gosh this must be the bad

block this place turned into a living

hell

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overnight well look what we got here huh

this o that's a nice set of wheels there

jerk well thank you very much yeah how

fast does it go on the open

road well that actually kind of depends

on how much I've had to eat you know

once I had two Sloppy Joe's and I

couldn't get the thing off the kick

stand hey you're on skull Turf kid kid

well you know I'm flattered that you

think I'm a kid because of my youthful

appearance but I'm actually 30 years old

that's right 30 you know the secret is

water 12 glasses a day

orally now listen kids this is really a

lousy neighborhood to be playing in why

don't you get behind me and we'll all

run out of here screaming together come

on let's

go quit your blabbering

D wait a second leather

jackets switch

blades bad

nicknames why you're

Ruffians it's a book where you going in

the

library let me leave you a little

souvenir of our visit huh well sure what

do you have

for thank you very much I would have

preferred one of those little snow

shakers with a Statue of Liberty in them

but thank

you

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thanks stand in the place where you live

now think about Direction wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face where about the place

where you live wonder why you having

people stand in the place where you live

now face about Direction wonder why you

have it now stand in the place where you

were now

face the place where you live wonder why

you have stand in the place where you

are so

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stand oh my God it's still swollen ah oh

Chris that's not swelling it's fat well

that fat may have just saved my life

otherwise his fist would have gone

straight through to my

liver Mom Dad Greenville isn't the

Greenville we once knew as kids I never

knew it as a kid I grew up in Chicago

I'm an army

brat look around you a town once full of

Hope and promise that Drew Millions to

its Shores is is now nothing but a

filthy enterer own wrist Lawless Border

Town with corruption as its main

export we forgetting our booming shoe

industry T played through 15 love Chris

you don't know what you're talking about

this is a cute neighborhood well yeah

here but two blocks down you're talking

about Meadowbrook Lane son you'd be nuts

to go down there that's right you could

get punched in the

stomach I say it's time to take back the

streets so that innocent people can take

a wrong turn and senior citizens like

yourselves can Shuffle down the sidewalk

with your Walkers and your golf carts

and your Social Security checks held up

high for all the world to

see what do you say in my heart I know

you you're right but my perfectly

functioning brain says you're a horse's

a*s dad these are just good kids that

have taken a wrong turn in life and gone

down a a bad path they need somebody to

come up behind him and tap him on the

shoulder and say hey pal slow down put

on your turn signals and make a left up

at the next intersection cuz I know a

great place for cheese steaks lus could

you make any sense at all out of that

last chunk of Babel I think he's asking

for

lunch H I'm going to rehabilitate those

kids Chris you don't know anything about

rehabilitating troubled youth in fact

everything you've ever brought home died

or

rusted now dad wasn't it you who once

said I had kenned esque leadership

qualities no no I said you have a yellow

streak six of one half dozen of the

other Chris I think it's a very sweet

gesture for you to help people less

fortunate than yourself you're just

going to get the crap beat out of you

not as long as I have

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this

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you

came you actually

came oh Clowny puss got

broken guess I have an evening of gluing

ahead of me

huh hey maybe that could be a group

activity we could all do together huh

hands I told you this the same idiot we

whacked around the other day that's

right you're a very perceptive young man

um

snake snake what your parents did to you

no wonder your self-esteem is lower than

your chances of ever getting a job that

doesn't require you wearing a name tag

or a hair Nest that clock wasn't in the

cage I'd smash it to bits okay Easy

Action cool off kid okay look kids I

know you're all traumatized emotionally

troubled teens but I want to set your

minds at ease I know where you're coming

from okay cuz I've been there too oh yes

you know when I was your age I had a

stack of overdue library books about

this

tall okay let's just cut nah oh he's

funny he's kind of like watching some wo

geek get hit by a

[Laughter]

car kids come on I know how you live I I

know what you do where where were you

probably down at the lazy iguana dancing

the Mashed Potato and sh**ting the curl

see I'm hip I'm with it so what do

youall want to do now uh press a ham

you're right let's cut him

no I think he's kind of cute well I

think somebody just signed up for

teacher's pet yeah I've got uh canopies

and uh I've got fluffer Nutter too but

but I have no beverages I'm sorry kids

that's something called tough love no

matter how much you beg I'm just going

to have to say no beverages hey beardy

we take what we want when we want it got

that beardy you know it's very easy to

pick up on somebody's physical defect

and make up a cruel nickname for them Mr

strong jawed very attractive James Dean

type there see I can Zing with the best

of

them kids come on let's get in a

semicircle we're going to have a little

bull session come on just pull the

chairs around that's it right around

like that go find some room

okay why don't we start by going around

the room and introducing ourselves I'm

Chris you don't look like a Chris no

really you look like an

idiot you know if I didn't know that you

were really lashing out at your father

that would have brought me to tears come

on who's got the guts to go first come

on just wrap pour me a glass of your

thoughts come

on yeah the young boy in the leather

jacket yeah what stinks in here well uh

actually I get a lot of moisture this

time of year but uh good question thanks

anybody

else yes the young lady in the uh

provocative

sweater are you still a paper boy yeah

all right okay you guys want to hear a

little something about me fine I'll play

I'll go first let's see all right well

here's something something I'm not very

proud

of it took me 10 years before I was able

to shower in the

nude because I was sure that you know

that thing where the where the water

comes out

of that there was an eye in there

watching me

sorry oh boy that feels so much better

to get that out okay all right who has

the guts to go

next okay

fine it's just that my parents you know

they just keep cutting me

down that's a toughy I don't have an

answer

uh anybody else yeah yeah I got kicked

out of school last week and I ain't got

the guts to tell my old

man that's

rough I'm a

blank anybody else hey how about you

come on I feel like an outsider that's

why I act tough and pretend like I don't

care okay I can see this is going

nowhere Let's uh let's little role play

maybe that'll help uh you know what I

need I need a volunteer up here who can

I get who snake great come on up come on

up and snake what I'm going to do is I'm

going to play your daddy okay and you

just react to me like you would your own

Daddy okay let's try this this is going

to work fun here we

go I'm your daddy blah blah blah I work

for a living boy out of my way where are

my slippers blah blah blah I'm your

daddy does anyone know what the hell

he's talking

about and maybe this would work better

if I tried playing your mommy let's try

it that way okay come on let's try it

snake give it a shot for once come on

come

on hey why you always getting down on me

and my friends come on in snake mommy's

just putting on her panty

hose mom why are you always putting down

me and my friends snake would you be a

love and zip mommy

up sucks that's great oh that's good

you're getting some real emotions out I

think there was a little progress made

here today you know know we're not such

a tough guy after all are

we okay Mr Bazooka Joe just for that you

don't get this back till the end of the

day all right well that concludes the

audience participation part of our

program and now I'm going to take you on

something I like to call a field trip

I'm going to take you somewhere to to

broaden your horizons and teach you

something about life I'm going to show

you the the Pinnacle of modern-day

culture where are we

going I don't know how about a

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supermarket those school girl

days of telling tales and biting nails

are

gone

but in my

mind I know they will he'll still live

on and

on but how do you thank someone who has

taken you from crayons to

perfume it isn't easy but I'll try

if you wanted the sky I would ride

across the sky and L Earth that would

sore a thousand ft

High to

serve with

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love oh boy well we had quite a day

didn't we you kids have been through

some major personality changes today

from Young Ruffians to little ladies and

gentlemen you know what going to that

Supermarket I kind of worked up an

appetite I bet you guys did too so you

know what I'm going to do I'm going to

treat you all to a wholesome snack of

co-o

salmon oh my okay who isn't afraid of a

little green on their food

huh okay well I think I made a

dent are you sure you're making progress

dear I don't know Ma all I have to go on

is my experience and about 120 episodes

of Room 222 you think you could talk

after you

unti oh my oh

okay are you sure it was my kids that

did this yes leather jackets switch

blades bad nicknames feels like an

outsider acts tough and pretends he

doesn't care wow snake opened up to you

hey this has been a breakthrough day

Chris we've been robbed yeah right Dad

let's just jump to conclusion shall we

now this could all be just a huge

misunderstanding yeah I guess when I

said you'll never get away with this

they thought I said take all our

valuables and tie us to a

chair hey wait maybe we're overlooking

the obvious maybe my kids were just

practicing some magic well they

certainly made some of the appliances

disappear all right Dad the kids are

always wrong aren't they us adults

though we're always right oh yeah that's

why we have a federal deficit in this

country of some

$200,000 oh but let's not listen to the

kids their ideas are way too too far out

us adults we're always perfect I think

some of us have a little growing up to

do if you don't mind me saying

so okay where the hell are my

fudgsicles are you kidding those were

the first to go are those snot noos

b*stards now they've gone too

far I swear on the graves of my

parents on the lives of my parents that

I shall avenge this heinous act or die

trying to the last breath in my body as

long as the sun rises in the South and

sets in the North Pole where

[Laughter]

lives what will you just get the hell

out of

here

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they're close they're very

close

hey

Peterson you made your last mistake this

time Fury what you got a Death Wish

bringing your white bottom around our

territory no you made the mistake you

crossed the line when you stole things

from my parents things with perfectly

good warranties which by the way I have

and that means that if anything breaks

down you my friends are up a creek

without a pickaxe I mean a shovel

and so at the very least you are stuck

for full retail cost of repairs which is

probably upwards of $40 an hour so I

guess we weren't so smart after all were

we okay let's just k*ll

him you re of

fudgsicles to die Bey okay Natalie now

it's time to stop him with that he's

kind of cute line go ahead he's a Dorp

dismember him from you w all right let's

k*ll him now while we get the muscle all

right you can chop me up into 1,000

pieces and bury me in your neighbor's

backyard if you

want or you can take the Chris Peterson

challenge he's talking crazy bi hey shut

up what are you saying beardy I'm saying

that if I can pass your stupid little

obligatory peer pressure baby initiation

into your g*ng then you give me back all

my stuff and let me

go okay you're on F and if I win you

become responsible contributors to the

society yeah yeah sure and and look up

to me as a role model and listen to

everything I say oh of course fine yeah

and change the name of your g*ng to the

peters and

pixies went a little far with that one

we don't have to do that now what do I

have to do for your little silly

initiation wear my clothes inside out or

or put on a stupid Beanie or

[Laughter]

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something

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that was tougher than I

thought I figure if you guys could do it

I could we didn't exactly do

it what do you mean actually we don't

really have an

initiation we made it up as we went

along you see that stuff is way too

dangerous for us to be

doing you lying

little

scamps we had a deal oh yeah yeah and

we're keeping it you you see we we

figure that any guy that is psycho

enough to go through all that

well you could easily come gunning for

us with a chainsaw and a hocky mask yeah

listen to anything you say yeah so um so

give us some

advice advice yeah I'm kind of on the

spot now aren't I I hadn't really giv it

much thought I I just figured I'd die

when I set myself on fire so

too boy so I'm really your hero huh and

you're going to listen to everything I

say yeah wow W that's a lot of respons

ability well here's how I'd go about it

first thing I would do it was a new

experience driving down metal Brook Lane

what was once a seedy dilapidated

decrepit Street habited by horrible

Ruffians Hooligans and neru Wells had

now transformed into a seedy dilapidated

decrepit Street inhabited by well-b

behaved well-groomed Pleasant smelling

young ladies and

gentlemen

those who used to bully and t*rture

others are now bullied and tortured by

others the way God

intended some cynics might suggest I've

created my own Master race my answer to

that is so what if I have know they

will

still good night rest warm God

blessen from crayons to

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perfume

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a