01x11 - Roots

[bunniefuu]

hey look Larry look at this it's an

Indian headquarter that's got to be

worth a fortune there's no Indian

headquarters that's George Washington

okay Mr new mismatic then explain the

headdress it's a

ponytail oh wow well this has to be rare

then George Washington dressed up as a

woman here look at this

Larry it's an old Playboy magazine you

know what buddy this is a little gift

from me to you because you're married to

Sharon and you probably need it a little

more than I do I knew it here it is the

Beatles did do Hey Jude pay up jeez I

could have sworn it was Peter and Gordon

what's

this look Larry it's a picture of me as

a baby with a couple of pilgrims they're

not pilgrims they're

Amish Amish well I I don't ever remember

meeting any Amish people when I was

one is in here just a couple pictures

and this a receipt let me see this one

baby boy

EMT 10 0 0

0 Larry Larry do you know what this

means no but I have a feeling you have

some stupid Theory Larry all the pieces

of the puzzle are there put them

together it's not one of those difficult

Puzzles Either like like the kitten with

the marbles what are you saying I'm

saying that the Petersons bought me from

an Amish couple for $10,000 on the black

market that can't be right Larry it all

makes sense that's why I don't have any

brothers or any sisters they were too

cheap to buy

anymore but Larry look look at Daddy I'm

a spitting image Chris you look nothing

like this guy well come on you make his

beard a little blonder you take away the

black unstylish clothing give him some

Snappy Sports Wear from Banana Republic

and you got me Chris this is

crazy I'm not Chris I'm Dam it a healthy

white Amish baby sold to a couple of

two- bit Carpet

Baggers lry I'm

adopted hold

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me stand in the place where you live now

there think about Direction wonder why

you have now stand in the place where

you were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you haven't

people stand in the place where you live

now out Direction wonder why you hav't

down in the place where you were

now a place where you live wonder why

you have stand in the place where you

are

well I finally know the truth Mr and Mrs

Peterson I know I'm going to regret this

question gladus but just what do you

mean by that Chris well for openers

you're not my real mother and father

okay for closes

then how Cavalier how La Fair how plukey

PL

honey we'd never be plukey plock with

you oh ma you don't have to put up a

front for me any longer those days are

gone long forgotten like my size four

Underpants I now know the Hideous ugly

Tragic Truth what the hell are you

talking

about I found

out that I'm

adopted are you nuts boy oh don't try to

deny it Mr Peterson it's obvious we look

nothing alike oh you got to be kidding

For Better or Worse we're mirror

images oh yeah I believe that and I

guess Scott Thorson was born looking

exactly like Liberace look it's obvious

that you've had extensive plastic

surgery to make yourself look more like

me god dad that's fish Chris haven't we

warned you to always crack a window when

you use magic markers I don't know why

I'm even talking to you you're my

landlord our conversation should be

limited to stuff like here's my rent

check sir my sink is still broken good

tomorrow to you Chris don't be an a*s

we're your parents lying is only going

to make it worse ma but then again I

guess my whole life has been a lie

hasn't it all that matters now is that

you admit it come on dad be a man admit

it dear there's nothing to

admit to to EMT EMT you you just called

me EMT no you did I heard you I heard

EMT clear as a bell you called me EMT

after all these years you finally let

your card down I can't believe it oh I'm

suddenly so

disoriented everything seems alien to

me you're just a little goofy because

you have an empty stomach why don't I

fix you a sandwich I'm sorry ma'am I'm

not allowed to take lunch from

strangers I think I know what has to be

done now thanks for 30 years of shelter

clothing and three Square meals a day of

Lies

glus unless you think I should be

concerned about this I think I'll go

take a nap pleasant dreams

dear why don't you just use a suitcase

Chris for the last time I'm not Chris

I'm Emit and I have to travel all the

way to the Pennsylvania Dutch Country to

be reunited with my natural Amish

parents but until that time I must carry

all my belongings in a simple

handkerchief tied to a stick for at this

point I'm nothing but a lowly b*stard

hobo com

it's ironic that your Spanish was the

most decipherable thing in that whole

speech Chris I can't believe you're

going through with this Larry I have no

choice I can't rest until I'm reunited

with my true parents in my ancestral

Homeland the Petersons are your true

parents I'm 99.9% sure of that yeah but

it's that 2/3 that's sending me back to

the boonies this is a crazy thought and

forgive my wild imagination but has it

ever occurred to you that perhaps you're

wrong well yeah actually that did occur

to me but when I confronted Fred and and

what's her they just denied it which is

exactly what guilty people do when they

sweep adopted dirt underneath the rug

but you know I don't know why I'm

telling you this because technically

you're not even my friend you're

actually Chris Peterson's friend jeez I

wonder how many other friends they have

on the

payroll that's an insult I wouldn't be

your friend for any amount of money well

that wasn't exactly phrased right but

you get the point well whatever I'm Lo

to the Pennsylvania Dutch Country and

please don't try to stop me and whatever

you do do not tell Fred and lce because

it would destroy them they've grown fond

of this charade called Chris Peterson

well don't you think they'll notice that

you're missing not for the first couple

of weeks besides they just Tred to track

me down and buy me back everything is

money with those

people so promise

okay okay I promise

no look if you're ever near the

Pennsylvania Dutch Country why don't you

look me up do you even know where the

Pennsylvania Dutch country is

well not exactly I I have a feeling it's

somewhere near the troubled Gaza

Strip I'll find

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it

[Applause]

pap

[Music]

mama emt's

home I wonder what's keeping Chris I put

his breakfast down this morning and it's

getting cold oh he's probably off

watching a miniseries someplace hell Mr

Mrs Peterson hi I'm not interrupting

anything am I well yeah Larry gladus and

I were just sitting in trying to figure

how to get the bugs out of the Hubble

telescope Mr Peterson you always crack

me up it's nice to see you Larry what's

new is your old man still running around

with that red head

free Mr Mrs Peterson do you know how it

is when you have a terrible secret

gnawing at you no and You' got to tell

somebody Fred and I have lots of

horrible secrets we keep from each other

that's right I don't mind a bit I got a

few that would knock her socks off God I

can't take it anymore I'm racked with

guilt Larry did Chris ever mention our

short attention span it's just that he

made me promise not to tell you not to

tell us what out with it boy come on

okay okay you've broken me he's run away

from

home can you do that when you're 30 can

you have a paper route when you're 30

hey don't make me get up from this

table why would Chris run away from home

to find his real parents he thinks he's

been adopted I thought we cleared that

up yes that's not one of our horrible

Secrets what about the picture of him

with the Amish couple

the hell's he talking about you know the

picture of Chris as a baby being held by

an Amish couple he found it in the Attic

So what we've also got a picture of him

with Santa Claus that must be from our

vacation in the Pennsylvania Dutch

Country yeah that's right we went there

when the health department closed down

Reptile Land and we took a picture of

him with an Amish couple even though it

was against every fiber of their

religious beliefs yeah they probably got

thrown in the hole for it no I gu you

guys took a vacation to Pennsylvania

Dutch Country when Chris was a baby and

took a souvenir picture of him with an

Amish couple nice work make some mantle

space for that

Nobel oh no now Chris is gone off to

find some strangers and we're never

going to see him again I wouldn't hold

my breath but Mr Peterson don't you

understand you've got to go find him and

bring him back look boy the only thing

I've got to do is die and pay taxes oh

friended spare us the tired old cliches

put on your street shoes we're going to

get our Chris

back

uh Mama we've uh been standing out here

staring at each other for 10 minutes

aren't you going to invite me in I mean

you know this is my home now too Mara

who goes

papa is that

you oh my god of course it's you what am

I saying the resemblance in the eyes is

uncanny of course I have a little

different taste in clothing but you know

that's my

generation

hi

hi who are you well don't you recognize

me I'm your long lost son EMT and I

finally come home what do you want from

us well I want what we once had one big

happy family and my dream has come true

we're all back together

again

reunited and it feels so good

what a touching moment so what do you

say we all come inside uh sh**t the bull

and throw back some

bruise oh my

wow a disturbed the city dweller we had

better humor him or he may attack us

jeez everything's so plain and

unfancy you know there's a new word it's

called color you might want to put that

one in your Rolodex

gee so you got 10 grand for me and uh

you still live like this what do you

guys have a gambling problem or

something we are simple people Farmers

oh well that's great that's perfect I'll

fit in fine I'm simple

too you know uh I had a heck of a time

finding you guys uh traffic out there

was just horrendous it was uh uh Bridal

to

Bridal

oh my hey what are we doing standing

around gabbing Star Trek the Next

Generation is on in about 5 minutes I

don't know what you speak well you know

where's your home entertainment center

your your big screen tv/ stereo waffl

maker

sl/ be have fireplace under

Loom wow party okay gosh you guys are

worse off than I thought but don't worry

your luck is changed the people you sold

me to were were very good to me and I've

returned home as as your sugar daddy I

hold on to your bonnets I'm going to

bring you into the 20th

century now where would that be H it's

got to be around here somewhere hey Dad

where's the outlet we have no

electricity are you kidding did they

shut it off je you know you really got

to watch that kind of stuff cuz that

that could end up on your TR W

that's that's a credit report

mom women you know when it comes to

money it's like they're on another

planet oh hey what's wrong with you two

come on this is supposed to be a joyous

occasion your son EMT is home put on

your happy

faces that's better mom I've got a

little surprise for you it's

a g*y

scarf now don't faint Pierre

card see all you had to do is

accessorize a little bit they are humble

folk we shun the vase of the outside

world that is the custom of our people

oh oh jeez well I I guess if I'm going

to live here I guess I ought to accept

your your humble simple

ways sure I'm going to miss my water

pick I don't know I guess something

tells me though I won't be running into

Claudia shipper at the supermarket if

you know what I

[Music]

[Applause]

mean

a

the englisher still sleeps yes now would

be a good time to m*rder him only our

religion did not forbid it if

only good

morning good

morning

oh I hope you don't mind I found these

clothes upstairs and I just kind of

threw them on I look nice and plain

don't I like a sexy young Amish

lad well it's 5:30 a.m. and everybody's

up hippity hoppity pippity poppity but

do you guys all have paper routes here

or something sir if we fed you would you

leave us no no of course not you're so

insecure no I'm here

forever

I'll get it Papa

oh Fred glattus oh no more of them what

are you doing here we've come to take

you home you

idiot this is now my

home couldn't you run away to a place

like Florida or something say you have a

TV around here Bridget nielson's going

to be on the Today Show we do not have

th Electronics we are simple people and

we shun the ways of your people with

your pre-sweetened cereals and your

silent dog whistles so be gone you

hedonistic button pushing Fancy Pants

know he hasn't changed CHR I must admit

you look very smart in a hat for the

last time I am not Chris I am EMT stals

foots son to jedadiah and Marta staltz

foots where the stals foots

is tell them I'm your son come on but

you're not our

son so you bought their silence too huh

I could buy everything else with your

filthy money what money like the $10,000

you paid for me on the black market are

you nuts I never had $10,000 in my life

don't deny it I have the receipt right

here look at

this one baby boy Amit $10,000 what one

baby Bonnet $10 that's the receipt from

the Amish baby Bonnet we bought for you

years ago and this must be the nice

Amish couple we bought it from we even

took a picture of you with them I've

told you no good could come from being

photographed I am so embarrassed I don't

know what to say this is worse than when

I was sleepwalking through the

neighborhood in my mom's robe can we get

the hell out of here now wait a second

dad not so fast you know I'm I'm a

little torn

here I I mean you two have have been my

parents for the last 15 hours and I

can't throw that

away you know there's a bond that

happens between a a mother and a a

child and that Bond can never be

broken how I love you so

dearly maybe we could work out a

six-month Exchange program no

no well then I guess this is

goodbye

Papa

I want you to know that your simple ways

will always be a part of me but to be

honest I I never had the cheekbones to

carry off that cute beard without a

mustache look

anyway and mama you know I never did

taste your your meat Kraut hash sour

Brotten pies but uh you know I don't

really like those heavy Italian sauces

and and actually they don't like me

either know what I

mean so I guess as ET used to say I'll

be right there Chris they're Amish they

probably haven't seen a movie since

Spartacus sorry well I'll miss you both

dearly Hey listen do you mind if I keep

this outfit my skin just kind of comes

alive and black take whatever you want

just get out I I I mean that in the most

Christian sense I'm sorry if Chris has

been a lot of trouble to you you know

how kids are you you have any of your

own yeah but they're all married and on

their own that is the way with our

people Well normally that's the way of

our people too but yeah but then we'd be

jipped out of precious moments like

these hey you know since this is kind of

well kind of a backwards sort of family

reunion of sorts um what do you say we

get one of those where are they now

pictures huh what a great idea hey Pop

why don't you do the honors oh go now

let's do this just like the other one

and I think in the other one um you were

actually holding me Papa

too oh great okay now can we please go

sure um wait hold on a second

here I'm

Dad if I'm not

adopted could you please explain this to

me well Chris we just took that picture

a second ago

go oh oh yeah I'm sorry I

forgot I love to you

guys oh

my will a little bruise bring big bucks

find out on an allnew Simpsons followed

by an allnew babes and Beverly Hills

90210 Thursday now stay tuned for

Married with Children

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