01x12 - The Counterfeit Watch Story

[bunniefuu]

hey Dad what's the first line to

Octopus's Garden isn't it something like

hey little octopus deep in the ocean you

have a pretty Garden can I borrow some

lotion something like that that's close

enough I think that's how they sang it

in Beetle

Mania well it doesn't matter it's all

part of my ongoing curiosity and

fascination with marine life and

oceanography oh what brought up your

sudden interest in that subject dear

have you been spending time in the

library no course not ma it's just that

they've been rerunning Sea Hunt on cable

recently I always thought Sea Hunt was a

show for

morons well today's the big day I

finally have enough money to buy a Mr

underwater watch why do you want one of

those you can barely swim and you're

afraid of the water don't you people

understand the ocean is a state of mind

one doesn't have to be in it to

appreciate it from the time we first

crawled out of the blue salt water as

monkeys to the time we harnessed its

power on surfboards man has always

strived to become one with the

ocean besides I just think it would be

kind of neat to have a watch I can wear

into the

shower I better get going the transistor

Hut opens at 10: and after my experience

with the mudo tickets last week I know

how things sell out

early

by can we try and start sleeping in in

the morning so we miss him all together

stand in the place where you live now

think about Direction wonder why you

have't now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you hav to

stand in the place where you live

Direction wonder why you Haven it now

stand in the place where you were

now the place where you live wonder why

you stand in the place where you

are

stand please sir why can't I exchange

this watch for one that works look kid I

can't exchange any item that was

obviously abused by the customer but I

just gave it to my mom this morning for

her birthday and it broke when she tried

to wind it here's my receipt look honey

I don't care if you wave the magnet card

in my face I have a policy against

loitering tell your old lady I said

Happy

Birthday

um excuse me sir could you tell me why

that little girl just left your store in

tears uh she just remembered that her uh

dog had to have an operation

is he going to be

okay it's probably just a minor

tonsilectomy

that's a

relief what can we do for you today well

uh according to your ad here you have a

Mr underwater watch for sale and I would

very much like to purchase that watch

now before you give me one of your

little tap dance bait and switch

speeches let me just tell you right now

that I want this watch and this watch

only My Mind Is Made Up This is the

watch I want I won't take any

substitutes that's it take it or leave

it like me or leave me that's it for pit

byebye Miss American Pie fine sell you

the watch it's a piece of junk really

well what else do you have I got just a

watch for you by the way the name is Vic

I own this place oh hello Vic I'm Chris

Peterson and I'd just like to say that

it's a relief that you're waiting on me

instead of some slick sales clerk who

might rip me

off I'm sorry is there a problem sir no

it's just a little

congestion Chris yeah can I call you

Chris please about to show you something

something very special you know why cuz

I can tell by your face that you're the

kind of guy that appreciates quality now

what I'm about to show you Chris might

overwhelm you at first but I want you to

keep in mind you're seeing the finest

time piece made in the world

chronosync wow a a a Chona sink yeah

it's not just a chronosync that's a

chronosync 2000 that is the Cadillac of

underwater watches H guys try it

on

why oh oh it's so g*y and colorful

looking but is it rugged yeah sure it's

uh g*y and rugged in fact that is the

slogan that they're going to use in

their

advertising I'm sorry can I get you a

lozen or something no I'm

fine now it stopped ticking now is that

a bad sign no it's known as a tap watch

you just tap it now and then to get it

started and that keeps it from burning

itself out by running

constantly what a novel

idea boy well now my major consideration

El price A

Rooney I don't know that I can afford a

chronosync not going to lie to you Chris

like I told you before this watch ain't

a toy it's a

Cadillac what' I just say

Chris this watch ain't a toy it's a

Cadillac that's right you know who wears

a watch like that Neil Armstrong you

know who else wears a watch like that is

the guy on the news that uh got beat up

that time what's his name uh rather

rather D rather he wears a watch like

that pretty good company yes Chris the

bottom line is it's 100 bucks now that's

50 bucks more than the piece of junk you

wanted originally but we got a saying

around here you want a piece of junk you

go to a

junkyard you know that's really quite

beautiful

H I'm really not sure I want to rush

into something though I did I also

mention that that is the last one I've

got another customer coming in a little

while to see it okay sold total is 118

okay and there's 118 on the nose go

great well that's interesting I didn't

realize sales tax was 18% why do you

think the governor lives in a

mansion I don't think that was him this

time I think that was the air

conditioning thank

you Ma dad you're early you weren't

supposed to get here till 3: it's after

3 oh yeah my watch was resting

again isn't that neat dad a watch that

periodically shuts itself down so it

won't overheat oh look out that may be

giving off radiation are you you sure

they didn't sell you a bad Watch Ma

please this is a chronosync it's the

Cadillac of watches you sure it's not

the Dodge Dart of

watches very funny now we're all done

with our little witty Jabs let us now

get on with the business at hand

christening my new Mr underwater watch

let it now be written that on this day

at 3:05 p.m. it's

3:15 at 3:15 p.m. Chris Peterson entered

shower for the first time wearing a

water resistant time piece strapped to

his wrist for time has always been of

great importance to man going back to

the fabled Sund dial when man first

thought Chris I'm missing Wheel of

Fortune for this okay okay Mom Dad here

I

go this is more exciting than when we

drove out to snakes River Canyon for

that evil conal thing

thing look look it's ruined it's ruined

starting to dissolve like a sliver of

soap but that's impossible this is a

chronosync g*y yet rugged water

resistant up to 1,000 ft and it cost it

cost oh God oh

God Mom Dad I don't want to shock you

with harfy new but your little Chrissy's

just been ripped off yeah I think that

just came in over the news

service well no one takes advantage of

yours truly and gets away with it I'm

going back to that den of Thieves and

I'm getting every cent of my money back

probably can I have a little privacy

please jeez excuse me

mhm okay you thieving Pirates drop your

clocks and grab your socks cuz I'm back

to settle a score you want to shut the

door guy you're letting out all the heat

oh

sorry I want to talk to Vic and I want

to talk to Vic now he ain't here okay

fine since your Huer boss isn't around

perhaps you'd like to explain this to me

H explain to me why this the Cadillac of

underwater watches was ruined by a

simple 3se second Escapade in my

shower look here's my receipt I want my

money back now hop to it kid the pope

will open his own car wash before I give

you your money

back tell you what I'm going to do just

so there's no hard feelings I'm going to

give you this light up Duck cap for

free as Humphrey Bogart said in the

African queen you can't by my silence

with a stinking light up duck hat I want

my money back and I want it back now

forget it okay fine I wasn't going to do

this but you've left me no choice at

this point I shall drop my pants and

protest of the shoddy business practices

of this store and I shall not repent

myself until all my money has been

cheerfully refunded hey hey hey put your

pants back on this ain't New Orleans I'm

sorry get used to it this is called

making a scene I want my money back I

hate this store I hate this store I want

my money back knock it off you creep I

hate this store I hate what the hell's

going on here officer arrest this

lunatic he's a disgrace to the

profession of retail

Electronics all right pal let's go hey

wait a second you can't arrest me I'm

staging a protest here like Gandhi used

to do Gandhi kept his pants

on actually he wore a do tap which is

the traditional Indian Garb and he often

wore that once again why are we dancing

around in an electronic store in your

underwear listen officer smartass I

don't drop my pants at the drop of a hat

I have to be pushed pretty far before I

make a profound statement like that look

sweetheart you want to take a couple of

deep breaths and then slowly explain to

us just what the hell you're talking

about you want a drink or something oh

yes that would be lovely you're a deer I

would like uh a little iced cappuccino

and uh maybe a peach Danish and uh

perhaps a little Pito sauce just on the

side with be

lovely get the jerk a cup of

water okay here's the story in a

clamshell boy saves up for underwater

watch boy buys underwater watch boy

takes underwater watch into the shower

boy screams like a girl when the watch

is ruined boy starting to get on

detective's nerves

please store refuses to refund boy's

money boy takes off his pants boys's

arrested by g*ons Squad the end sleep

tight pleasant

dreams

Mr

Peterson can we be uh perfectly blunt

with you oh please blunt away stabs when

you dropped your pants and Mr Peterson

has been under surveillance for some

time now we know they've been selling

counterfeit merchandise everything from

kronosync watches to main lobsters

counterfeit

Seafood why those unscrupulous b*stards

the store itself is Small Potatoes what

we're really after is their supplier the

Big

Potato unfortunately he rarely shows his

face unless he's making a big delivery

now if we had the proper bait I think we

could catch him but so far he's managed

to elude us that's a

bummer hey wait a minute are you

thinking what I'm thinking he's perfect

no one would ever suspect something

someone as goofy looking as him no we

can't it's too dangerous the kid could

get k*lled oh sure I mean there's an

outside chance but I don't think the

world would stop spinning but theide

hello excuse me I'm still here you

know Mr

Peterson how'd you like to be part of an

undercover sting operation are you

kidding yeah sure great I'll do anything

to catch those Scoundrels that took me

for a ride I'm in boys consider me your

bait I'm like a piece of cheese waiting

in the trap for missure Mouse to come

and partake of my rich Smoky

flavor we're looking at a dead

man hello transistor Hut Vick hi Chris

Peterson where were you this

afternoon oh so you heard about my

little indiscretion today huh sorry

about that Vic two words Sugar

Rush yeah I just had two candies and a a

chocolate covered

peanut

yeah Vic I'm really sorry I love the

watch in fact it's working perfectly now

and you know what I've decided to buy

3,000 more for all my newspaper

boys but you know what I'm going to have

to insist on delivery to my home because

right now I'm nursing the grip and I

can't go

outside oh you'd have to go through your

supplier for an order that large

H well bring him along yeah great the

more the

merrier okay I love you

byebye okay we're all

set now Mr Peterson listen very

carefully the wiring we've done up here

in your little Treehouse is very precise

and very delicate that's the camera

right over there now whatever you do

don't touch or move anything you got

that well what if I have to go to the

bathroom I wasn't talking about the

bathroom oh that's a relief cuz I have a

bladder like a

hamster okay guys let's move out good

luck Mr Peterson than remember this is a

very dangerous operation the last thing

we need is another dead civilian in our

hands yeah yeah so do I have time to run

to the 7-Eleven for a Peppermint Patty

no stay put and get

ready Jesus's like a little snapping

turtle oh great the

professionals there's a little thing

called electrical fires boys I guess

they didn't teach you about that one

stupid black footed Buzz pigs with their

fat ugly wives that they try to make

love to unsuccessfully every night after

they come home from an evening with

their prost*tute girlfriends in a day of

collecting raft and beating up old lady

J Walkers they're just Mr Peterson yes

we can hear everything you're saying oh

oh well I was just reading from today's

Family Circus comic out

loud okay okay okay this is it this is

it let's get it

on hi guys Welcome to My Sting I mean my

stink Ian I mean my my stinking

room VI we're getting to be old Chums

aren't we it's not push it there's your

pants oh thank you me

see who's your little friend Vic uh this

is um Tom how you doing well how you

doing Tom Tom is in uh as in Tommy uh as

in the pinball

wizard I got the money or not I'm a busy

man yeah I got the money you got the

watches I got the watches the first I

got a seat of cash oh I see so it's one

of those I'll show you mine if you show

me yours first things

huh would you cut the crap can we get

some business here or not okay all right

I'm cool I'm cool I'm cooled with it

Daddyo okay everyone's cool cool I am

going to k*ll him give him the money you

don't call me a what is it

with this guy he's starting to make me

nervous hey he's not some kind of psycho

is

he what's in your ear there Cowboy oh uh

I see you've noticed my uh hearing aid

SL radio SL sports announcing thing

slash

uh-oh H Cash's Clays out uh he's been

koed by Arnold Palmer in the fourth

quarter you dumb a*s get away from

there oh

okay as Sir Monty Hall used to say let

us now make a deal

Squires hi honey look what I made some

fudge oh hi Ma great fudge who wants

fudge strangle

aren't you uh going to introduce us to

your sleazy looking

friends uh this is Tom and Vic we're

doing a little business together how

cute are you two paper boys no

ma'am that's one hell of a leather

jacket you may think it's classy but it

makes you look cheap

boy get them the hell out of there now

oh okay well thank you for the fashion

review Dad I've just been told it's time

to get you the hell out of here now so

thank you for stopping by off you go

okay watch the steps see you at

breakfast

byebye look kid you got about 30 seconds

to make this deal or I'm out of here

okay okay let's do it come on over

Tom why did you sit right there on the

sofa and VI you come on over here and

you have a seat right next to your buddy

Tom and make yourself comfortable and

just for me Vic why don't you just

position your body that way that'd be

great sck that

okay and Tom you're right there here we

go I've got the

money all right

now let's see here's my

money now let's look at all those

watches

huh wow look at all these watches that I

just paid

[Applause]

for oh you jerk you're blocking the

camera what get your butt out of the

camera we missed

everything oh oh uh oh um hey Tom you

know what would be a fun idea why don't

I just give you this money back and then

you give me the watches back we could

pretend it's kind of like an instant

replay like a little skin istic whoa

whoa whoa wait a minute here what what

what okay guys before you jump to

conclusions I have to wear a concealed

police microphone for medical

reasons F check this out I don't believe

this the dog he set us

up all right wait a minute wait a minute

wait a minute we're in the clear here

he's got the cash we're not holding

anything the merchandise is safe in here

they can't open it without a warrant man

you know the Lord John John hey hey I

got a funny idea come on down here to

why don't you guys just take this money

back just for the hell of it go ahead

take it back and then I'll take this

back come on that just simply be Daffy

if we did

that bye-bye

boys

hey I didn't know those came in all

those colors hey scumbags up against the

wall let's go move it

move hands up not you Peterson the other

scumbags we didn't do anything oh yeah

what are these party favors and most

importantly we've got you for destroying

a police camera for that alone you're

looking at 60 years pal actually I think

the good news is I think it's just

scratched I don't think it's really

broken shut

up okay man time to take out the

garbage

go woo H well Mr scream in my ear all

night a little touch and go there for a

bit but uh thanks to my patented little

trip trap here we managed to capture a

couple of bad apples tonight and well

even though my methods were a little

unconventional and may have rattled you

at times I I think you have to agree

that in the end they were quite

effective you know I want to commend you

on your professionalism because I for

one feel safer at night knowing that men

like you are out there to protect men

like

me

ow later tonight join host Joe Piscopo

the Boston Celtics and America's top

comics in Boston for comic strip live

Prime Time and this Thursday Homer

steals cable TV and gets more than he

bargained for on an allnew Simpsons then

the babes get a special visit from Dolly

Parton stay tuned now for Married With

Children