01x17 - Camping 2000

[bunniefuu]

about your camping trip I am it's nice

to occasionally get the hell away from

here and it's nice to occasionally have

you the hell

away well if I were to believe the many

voices droning on in my head right now I

guess it's time for the annual Chris

becomes fatherless big weekend bash

blowout huh I was hoping to avoid this

for once glattus you hold him down I'll

make a break for the car no father

father that won't be necessary I'll I'll

just STI right here and drown my sorrows

in a heaping nutritious glass of oval

tee Rich chocolaty fishy oval

teeth jeez we go through this same thing

every year and every year it gets worse

Chris it's like I've always promised you

when you're a little older you can go

with me but for now I just hate having

to tone down my

language the dad come on I'm 30 years

old you know you don't have to mind your

p's and q's around me you old son of a

sea

cookie come on it's always been my dream

to go with you it was always my dream to

be born sterile but life tends to stink

like

that okay all right I can see that you

want a bargain tough fine I'll make the

ultimate

sacrifice I promise I shall not be a

pain in the

butt Chris I don't want to send you into

sugar shock but for you that's just not

possible FR maybe a weekend in the woods

might help you two to finally Bond and

I've never had a weekend away from Chris

it's not fair it's just not

fair all right

woman but if you ruin my weekend I'll

k*ll you oh thank you Dad thanks and

you're not going to regret this either

Hey listen can Larry come along he just

happens to be standing right outside our

kitchen door

here well I guess it's payback for

k*lling a guy in another

life

stand in the place where you live now

think about dire wonder why you haven't

now stand in the place where you were

now face think about the place where you

live wonder why you have people and in

the place where you live

now out Direction wonder why you have it

now stand in the place where you were

now face with us the place where you

live wonder why you hav't stand in the

place where you

are so

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stand come on you girls

moving stop stepping on my heels I

didn't it was a groundhog you filthy

liar everybody knows groundhogs have

been extinct for millions of years do I

have to separate the two of you again he

started it all right I guess it's time

we go over the rule once more Chris what

is the rule shut the hell

up Larry's looking at me funny I am not

and he's laughing at my pants I interest

the two of you in a m*rder suicide

pack daddy you could always diffuse a

tense situation with one of your witty

Jabs now despite Larry's infantile

childish behavior we're actually having

a good time aren't we yeah I guess the

Highlight was when you get sprayed by

that

skunk there is no

skunk

lovely oh jeez oh my

M you think maybe oh we could stop and

rest a while I am exhausted we just

rested 5 minutes ago oh Dad don't worry

we'll be back on the trail in no more

than 45 minutes oh now at this point

what I need is a volunteer to delicately

remove my moist shoes and socks and give

me the foot rub to end all foot rubs

who's it going to be if it would save

your life I wouldn't touch your feet

yeah massage your own feet

e are you nuts I wouldn't go near him

you know this is really great Mr

Peterson my dad never took me camping he

was always too busy to do anything with

us I guess that's why I spend so much

time with my own kids Larry if you ever

get the urge to open up to me CLK it

okay you know I think now would be a

good time for me to practice my Goose

calls here

Goose here Goosey Goosey damn you know I

lost my watch about about 2 miles back

why don't you two guys go back and get

it for me well that's the third time

today that you've lost it Mr Peterson

what can I tell you I got the greasiest

wrists in North America now

blow isn't he

darling he's so out of his element here

and you wanted to go alone yet you need

us so like a baby needs his litter

box now you stay right here you know how

easily you get lost not easy enough are

you sure you're going to be okay all by

yourself again today get out of my face

come on Larry let's go we want to get

back before it gets dark cuz these Woods

are full of sand people can't believe

those two idiots keep finding

me well this time I'll just cover my

tracks swing through the trees if I have

to face it Chris we're never going to

find your dad it almost seems as though

his Trail has been deliberately covered

up do you think the sand people got him

aren't any sand people you sement head

your dad intentionally lost us wait a

second here you're talking about my own

flesh and mucus here I'm sorry I

sincerely doubt that maybe he saw a

colorful butterfly and cheerfully chased

after

it well luckily I'm an expert tracker so

Chris we passed this same tree four

times Larry I'm not going to be dragging

in that same argument again okay it's

not like we're Pixie and Dixie running

around the same couch and end table over

and over again it's just that certain

trees look similar that's why the last

time that we passed this tree I carved

our names in

it so Larry that doesn't prove anything

I mean there could be thousands of Chris

and Larry's running around here carving

up trees if only my parents had let me

change my name to Coco Chris it's the

same tree we're lost all right Larry to

prove it's not the same tree tree I'll

subject it to a rigorous scientific

analysis okay

yeah

H okay well um it's becoming quite

obvious to me that um some animal

considers this tree is

territory I'm starting to get hungry did

you pack any food because all I have is

an assortment of sweaters did I pack any

food jeez did I pack any

food I don't know let's take a

look okay let's see

here okay got the one woman's shoe and

then uh oh a can of shoe

polish oh here's my Desert Island

collection of 45s you take a look at

those you might be some fun ones in

there and uh oh there's an EXT exension

cord and then let's see one

two three staplers and then just some

useless stuff it's all useless why did

you pack this

junk because in case the world ends

while we're frolicking up here we'll

need this stuff to rebuil society that

my friend is called thinking

ahead oh jeez I almost forgot my lucky

can of soup I always carry this in my

pants wherever I go in case a situation

like this arises

so we don't have anything to open it

with Larry don't be ridiculous we can't

open this yet we have to save it until

we're totally and absolutely desperate

say like in another 5 minutes or so I

knew this trip was going to be a

disaster look even in the worst case

scenario I.E we're lost out here in a

godforsaken Wilderness for God knows how

long I'm sure that my overprotective

father is frantically looking for us

right at this very

moment

jeez you think if they can put a horse

on the moon that could come up with a

can you could open by bashing against a

rock I'm really hungry Chris I feel weak

all right Larry relax relax let me see

well according to my survival book that

I glanced through once when I was a kid

there literally should be food all

around us here

where uh jeez uh how about

this I am not going to eat dirt well

Larry this is Nature's perfect food it's

full of minerals and vitamins and fiber

like iron and uh styrofoam not to

mention Trace elements of

mercury it's really not bad it kind of

tastes like chicken

boy beat store bought dirt any

day

oh

seed there Larry try stick it's an old

Navajo snack treat dating back to the

early 21st century it's delicious it's

it's what the Clark Bar was based on I

have to get something real to eat I

can't believe you after I've slaved over

the tops so honestly with you sometimes

I don't know why I

bother look Chris over there there's

some

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berries

H Larry I uh I have kind of a bad

feeling about these berries what if

they're teeth

stainers who

cares well I guess you're

right well they're probably cold

frightened and hungry by now I guess

legally I got to go find

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them

my biggest fear Larry is that my dad is

hiding on the moon it's ridiculous Moon

must be 100 miles from here don't you

think I know that idiot I'm of course

assuming that first he fell into a time

space

portal

hey Chris what happened to your

head

nothing hey why the long face

uh-oh something's wrong with these

berries why would you say that because

they're messing up our

vision maybe we shouldn't eat

anymore did you just call me a no

are you insinua that I'm not good

looking enough to be a

floor you banana head that's it this is

my side of the world until you feel like

being civilized stay on your own side

jeez I'm so scared I'm so frightened the

last thing I'd ever want to do is touch

your side of the

world

for the sake of our friendship I'm

going to pretend that didn't

happen What H I

will

lurry playing with fire oh us giant

octopuses have a habit of sporting

poison when we think we're being

attacked by underwater poodle you

completely out of your mind if you were

50 ft tall I'd punch you in your

bosom Larry G Larry someone's hunting

for us where are you idiots and his

opinion of us is

low

je where is that boy if he falls into a

Gorge his mother will make my life hell

for

hours something did happen to him every

second

counts no time to screw

around did you hear that he's heavily

armed

oh

hit no don't save yourself

I don't know nothing about bir though

baby look there he

is oh wait no I recognize him that's my

giant talking pet hamster President

Roosevelt

Wait

no that's not him that's that's my

father why is he hunting for us all

right woman

but if you ruin my weekend I'll k*ll you

I'll terminate you with extreme

prejudice I'll hunt you down like a dog

with love handles I'll fill Your Flank

with a lead rabies

shot that's nice dear make sure he

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[Applause]

suffers oh my God this is why he's been

fattening me up all these years I'm his

ultimate

trophy it all makes sense now him

threatening to k*ll me his his talk of

m*rder suicide packs and and his habit

of chasing me around the house with a

power

drill but I'm trying to say Larry is

that we've got to k*ll him

first

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he

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this is Chris's lucky can of

soup and judging by the way it's bashed

in the lad forgot his can opener again

what went

wrong jeez I don't know huh I guess I

should have tied the end of this string

to a tree or

something damn I cursed myself we not

watching cartoons more

closely what do we use for bait now he

stole our Silver

Rock he's toying with us Larry it's time

to teach him that we're done playing

games

great Chris remember when you devour

your enemy you gain his strength okay I

got dibs on his

face

[Applause]

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perfect say

cheese

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why didn't you k*ll him you idiot I

can't there's just something about him

he's too too cute and cuddly and

cherubic and

lovable you k*ll him okay pathetic

sniveling little baby afraid to k*ll

someone wuss but you keep him busy while

I sneak up from behind because as we

pass by I got a good look at those 7in

fangs of his okay what I'll do Larry is

I'll Sprout wings like cupid and I'll

hover above them give me a

second Larry I can't get my wings out it

must be too much cholesterol just cover

it okay freeze drop it right there drop

what this pack of gum come on dad who do

you think you're talking to that's

obviously a little box containing a

miniature walrus which when released

will run underneath my clothing and bite

me in my secret

Parts what did you do GIS eat some

berries that gave you homicidal

delusions you never failed to annoy me

boy don't call me

boy

you're gorgeous jeez I leave you guys

out here for a couple hours and it turns

into Lord of the Flies the lovest

creature I've ever seen I've been

predicting this for years get the hell

away from me just one kiss Larry Larry

get away from him you're delusional

can't you see he's not a beautiful woman

he's a he's a sick bloodthirsty

homicidal foreheaded air conditioner

slay him come on I'm not going to tangle

with her she's obviously PMS

and I will no

oh when you do it I get so ni for

wait I think my blood sugar's suddenly

taking a nose dive how about

yours Chris where are

we

I don't know the prom did our dates beat

us

up no we were lost in the woods

remember look

food oh yeah kind of looks like

leftovers though and I'm not hungry me

either we probably already ate it I

wonder what it was I don't know oh wait

oh now it's I'm starting to remember now

now we were hunting a a monster that

that looked an awful lot like

my oh my God Larry we ate my

daddy think so Chris this smells like

pork well no that makes perfect sense my

Dad loved pork by the time he hit 60 he

was probably 90% pork Oh damn this is

horrible actually it kind of smells sort

of good maybe I'll just have a little

was about time you babies woke

up you're alive you're alive oh papa

I've never been so happy to see you get

away from me you're still

skunky where did this food come from Mr

Peterson I k*lled a wild boar and shoved

it down your throats While You Were

Sleeping wow well then you you you saved

our useless lives well I figured as long

as your mother's alive I didn't want

anything to happen to you now let's get

the hell out of here okay

so soon soon the weekend's over you

jerks have been asleep for 15 hours ooh

jeez well I guess we want to check out

before noon so we're not charged for

another night come on

[Laughter]

Larry may I carry your backpack honey

hey Larry don't come on to my dad jeez

you know how much I hate

that don't laugh at my pants all right

all right shut up here Goosey Goosey

Goosey I could have left him out here no

one would have

known no one would have

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known what was it like for Brandon and

Brenda Walsh when they first moved from

Minnesota to Beverly Hills later tonight

you'll see just what happened on a

special presentation of 90210 the or

90-minute movie now stay tuned for

Married with Children

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