02x04 - Health Inspector 2000

[bunniefuu]

greetings dear Guster and how are you

this fine

morning oh

excellent and I'm doing very well too

thank you for

asking to be quite honest with you after

delivering papers these past few days I

have been just a tad pouty which

troubles me a bit because well it's such

a fulfilling job I mean when you think

about it the pungent sting of the early

morning air as I sliced through it on my

appointed routes the cold stairs of dogs

and other animals that think they're

better than

me

oh what did I tell you about screaming

like a girl just there seems to be a

slight impurity in the

milk there doesn't seem to be any open

sores I'm sure it's

fine oh you big baby you can hardly

taste

it I'm sorry but I just do not

understand the ways of Your World well I

got friends in the circus who eat rats

and they'll probably live longer than

either of us besides no food is

completely free of a certain amount of

impurities here

look oh jeez gosh I never noticed that

before you know guess they should have

people whose job it is to inspect food

and you know what those people should be

called food

uh

inspectors Chris there are food

inspectors but they can't catch every

last insect part or bloated rodent well

then it's about time that they hired

somebody with a a burning desire to put

their face up close to food and say hey

what's in

there and that's

somebody might just be

me sorry kid you have to have a college

education and special training with the

FDA or I could make a couple of phone

calls

stand in the place where you live now

think about Direction wonder why you

have now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you have

people stand in the place where you

live out Direction wonder why you hav it

now stand in the place where you were

now face with the place where you live

wonder why you hav stand in the place

where you

are wow backstage of a

restaurant this is where all the magic

happens wait a second if I'm not m

mistaken these fiends are cooking human

meat oh oh no it's just

me oh okay pops I'm sorry this area is

restricted okay it's only for food

handlers food and food inspectors come

on shake it out the door come on smoke

your Purple Haze somewhere else wait a

second Rob Barnes I'm the food inspector

what the hell are you oh jeez I'm so

sorry well I'm your humble student with

the thirstiest mine this side of the

posos what's with a goofy Halloween

costume well this isn't a Halloween

costume this is my food inspector outfit

the classic white lab coat is a splash

guard and then the goggles in case we

run into any of those creatures from

Aliens yeah okay they're silly we don't

need this Bo I'm learning so much from

you already yeah great now just keep

your mouth shut follow me around write

down any violations That You observe

okay great boy do you know that this is

more exciting than the time I looked in

the mirror and realized my rear had

stopped

growing hey wait a second let me see

that just as I thought no

filter I

skip hey hold on look at

that

I've got three words for you

conditioner God bless you are you all

right just a touch of legioner disease

try taking a hot

bath

tomato what

the

there's a b

[Music]

[Music]

there

how's everything looking there Rob I

will tell you how everything is looking

there sir you have violated every single

code in the book and I don't even know

what they are I have seen things in here

that make my eyes want to pop out of

their sockets run down my face and hide

in my back pants pockets and sir I don't

have any back pants Pockets which means

my eyes would fall on the floor and that

would be a nightmare because the floor

is filthy so thank you for the dirty

eyes Gent

great let me handle this okay kid okay

great here come the big g*ns

bye-bye everything looks fine to me

great job Ernie

[Music]

huh wait a minute something isn't on the

up and up there's a big fat payoff going

on right before my

eyes either that or they're

[Music]

lovers thanks a lot Rob see around

huh see you kid the next moment is going

to be one of the most important in my

life I have to choose my next words very

carefully I'm

telling well you just took a bribe oh

that oh G bribe is such an ugly word I

prefer to think of it as uh

extortion besides Gus said you were an

okay Joe he did what else did he say do

you think he likes me

Chris look this is the business that

you've chosen this is how the business

Works don't mess with the business or it

could hurt you well I'm sorry I simply

cannot condone A system that allows

insects to go careening through our

small intestine as if it were a really

cool water slide Al nator look I was

going to cut you in on the action sir I

have never in my entire life had any

action nor will I ever have any action

there is no amount of money that could

ever ooh o five

[Applause]

bucks

money

moneyyyy some people got to have

it some people really need it h listen

to me all do things do things do things

bad things

really

well you going to do things do things do

things good

things

yeah uhhuh talk

about cash my

[Music]

my M money money

m

[Applause]

m don't turn on the

light just take it easy Mr

Peterson hey who are you how'd you get

in here how do you know my name is Mr

Peterson and not miss okay I know what

you're

into I'm talking about those crisp $5

bills in your

pocket oh thank you to keep your eyes

off the many bulges in my

pants look Peterson we're going to blow

the lid off the corrupt food inspecting

industry in this town we want you to

help us we want you to testify you for a

senate

subcommittee subcommittee what is that

is is that where those guys sit around

eating those long

sandwiches I'm sorry that's just a

little lunch

humor I'm talking about the brides you

took listen kid I'm giving you a chance

to save yourself before you get in too

deep I know making an extra 15 20 bucks

a week can be intoxicating and also land

you in

prison okay I see so you want me to sing

huh like a little rat b*stard Canary huh

chewing on its own cuddle bone in a cage

made by your own gilded saliva

Peterson pretend you to be a yammering

half wood isn't going to help you in

prison you're trying to scare me aren't

you Mr Cigarette floating in space

you're the man with a mysterious code

name aren't you like uh Mr X or Mr deep

throat or Mr three days of the Condor go

on knock me on my a*s with your

mysterious name it's

Jim ooh Jim great

imagination ooh but no last names please

no Gorman my name is Jim

Gorman your names are fine aren't they

oh yeah fine no faces no that's why we

all have to be in the dark ooh actually

I just had an eye examination and my

pupils are

dilated listen Peterson I'm not going to

force you to do anything right now think

about it if you change your mind signal

Me by standing on your front lawn with a

small dog strapped to your face while

singing Mr Bojangles in a high

voice oh no I I can't that's how I

signal the

mailman and strap on a cat oh yeah no

that should work

fine yeah right I'll be signaling you

real

soon see this imported silk shirt guess

how

much five bucks okay this diamond

studded watch guess how

much five

bucks hey what about the solid gold

pinky ring huh want to guess how much

five

bucks two for five

bucks where are you getting all these

extra five bucks oh my let's just say

it's just one of the little perks that

go along with my food inspecting

job you're taking bribes no of course

not jeez what a horrible

insult okay I am you're

right okay stop

Shing I'm sorry I'm sorry oh you two

must hate me are you kidding it's time

you stop being a sucker figur out how

the real world works really you mean you

don't mind it even if it means me

overlooking food that's riddled with mud

and insect

whiskers who cares the giant snakes that

live inside us will eat them what always

love to scare them with that story now

let's forget all this nastiness and have

some wholesome freshly delivered Pizza

yeah dig in your snakes are probably

hungry

H um do you think this cheese has gone

bad that's a sock you

simp oh my God oh my dear parents could

have choked a woolly death on this evil

stink hose like some careless Pizza

tossing b*stard didn't realize that his

sock must have flown off and landed

right in the middle of our pizza pie

I realize now that I haven't been true

to my food inspecting oath food trusted

me and I turned my back on

it I must win back its

confidence I know now that I must

testify for that subcommittee or else

I'll never be able to look cheese in the

puss

[Applause]

again you stinking lousy squealing

ungrateful two-faced double crossing

Judas

Gus if I don't testify I could go to

jail and if I don't not testify then Rob

might want his $5 back and if I don't

not not don't testify then I might get

so confused that my head will pop off

and fly around the room making rude

noises until all the air was out of it

kid that's a fear we all have to live

with my advice would be to k*ll yourself

I can help you with that gu that's

always your advice I'm not looking for a

short-term solution here I have to

testify

it's my duty as an American citizen and

as a representative of albinos

everywhere you've got no idea who you're

dealing with food inspectors are the

most evil violent vengeful people on

earth oh my God he thinks we're on

Earth you'd be putting me in an awkward

position after all I got you the job

yeah but guess everybody knows if you do

somebody a favor you could wind up

getting k*lled for

it I don't know what I'm worried

about I guess I'll be okay as long as I

do everything in my power to help them

track you

down great well then you will stick by

me I knew

it what the hell does that mean your

eggs are

ready oh no I wanted Flames painted on

my bike where's that silly detailer

Chris don't you realize this is the work

of food inspectors they live and breathe

this kind of

stuff sorry I'm still not scared oh yeah

well what about

this well that well that's just

something I did

myself kind of cool huh mhm and this too

oh my God jeez no now I am scared that's

so sick what kind of of a mind you're on

your own kid I'm getting a bottle of

whiskey and I'm going to curl up in my

hamper for a couple of

[Music]

months could you state your name please

uh no I'm sorry I refuse to answer on

the grounds that it may incriminate

me you came to us Mr

Peterson uh well then if you know my

name why are you trying to get me to say

it except perhaps to make me look

silly it's for the record well you mean

there's going to be an album of this how

exciting oh terrific yeah sure my name's

Chris Peterson

Americano we understand you were here to

testify about ill*gal activities

perpetrated by local organized food

inspectors

test test test two one 1 2 s seven I'm

sorry can I get a little more Reverb on

this thanks a lot uh before we begin

I'll have to be granted total immunity

from all my past evil deeds and have

your absolute guarantee that I can live

in luxury and protection for the rest of

my life or 30,000 Mi whichever comes

first no okay fine I'm ready to begin

Mr Peterson we understand you were hired

as a food inspector even though you had

absolutely no

training uh

uh yes that's correct right off didn't

that strike you as a bit

odd M Mr Mr peton Mr

Peterson huh would you please not confer

with your a lawyer for each and every

question well he's not my attorney he's

just a nice guy I met on the bus on the

way over here well would you please

refrain from conferring with him about

your testimony we weren't we were just

talking about whether or not there'd be

a canonball run

four I'd also like to know if anybody

has a container of ginger ale he has a

rather upset stomach good please hey hey

look everybody it's my landlord Gus and

my old boss

Rob hey see Gus Rob isn't mad at you

because I'm testifying in fact I've

never seen these guys look closer

they're practically hugging each other

doesn't everybody love a happy

ending

what

what

what he's nutty as a

jbird Mr Peterson We are under severe

time restraints oh sure sorry rush rush

rush I wouldn't want you guys to miss

happy hour no

right sorry hair

[Music]

ball excuse me I asked for a

hairball the service here is rotten

isn't

it okay

uh why I think all the bad food

inspectors should be put behind bars by

Chris

Peterson uhoh something wrong yeah uh

Rob was just pretending to be Gus's

friend he's holding a g*n on

him we don't see any g*n Mr Peterson you

idiots use that gray yucky stuff inside

your shell of a head thing there maybe

he's hiding

it in accordance with the rules of Major

League Baseball I demand that that man

show his

hands oh je sorry my mistake you know

some sometimes when the light hits one

of those Conair hair dryers just right

they look like a snubnose 37 with a

pearl handle and mahogany trim this is

one more word you're a dead

man our friend the sun the sun is by far

the hottiest planet in the solar system

and it would burn if you try burn you

if you tried to eat

it well I'm sorry I seem to have some of

my old high school notes mixed up

here well gentlemen I'm sorry the best

way for me to communicate all this

without written material is with puppets

and as I carelessly left all my puppets

at home I hope you'll excuse my bare

fingers as inferior substitutes if I

me ooh dirty food this looks

bad here take some money no no

no

okay forget it this guy isn't a threat

to anyone but

himself five bucks I'm going to take the

five bucks Mr

Peterson we have come to the conclusion

that you have no useful information for

us this committee is in agreement that

you are unstable and board of I'm

frightening no hard feelings guess nah I

threaten to k*ll people lots of times

for much less Cho the BFW however we

have decided that any industry that

would hire you is in dire need of

investigating wow well that means I kind

of won I kind of

Won

Won great what kind of parting gifts do

I

get

hey Rob no hard feelings

huh that's

odd hey is there a draft in

here does anybody else feel

it it's

me tomorrow Fox night at the movies

presents a world premiere Motion Picture

doing time on Maple Drive the Chicago

suntime calls it Fox's finest made for

TV movie to date and this Thursday on an

allnew 90210 will Brandon jeopardize his

father's job to help a friend you got to

choose your battles in life son I did

now stay tuned for the Sunday comics

next

Mr

Dan