02x05 - Chris Gets His Tonsils Out

[bunniefuu]

oh guess guess I woke up this morning

and my throat really really hurts so no

I mean it really really really really

really hurts especially when I go like

this stop it no no if I keep doing it I

can get blood to come up

watch have some mucus licks or however

the hell you say it and just shut up

let me have a look oh

my do you see anything no but there's a

stink in there I'd have checked

out now wait a

second oh little blisters are starting

to form in here yeah I you got kind of a

burning sensation in there can you

explain that to me

I wouldn't worry about it unless it was

in your urinary track but even then you

get used to it well it's a relief feel a

lot better now now I've seen it a 100

times what you got is a plain old simple

run-of-the-mill sore

throat a sore

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throat

stand in the place where you live now

think about Direction wonder why you

have now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you haven't

people stand in the place where you live

now about Direction and wonder why do

you have it now stand in the place where

you were now

face the place where you live wonder why

you stand in the place where you

are thank you for seeing me on such

short notice Dr Kramer Mr Peterson it's

very unusual to take an ambulance for a

simple checkup I take ambulances

everywhere find them much more courteous

and quicker than taxi C

also their telephone number is easier to

memorize it's just

911 oh boy jeez I can't tell you how

comforting it is to be in the hands of

my old family

doctor we've been through so much

together haven't we MPS measles my

yearly

circumcision by the way I think I'm

about due for

that what seems to be the trouble Mr

Peterson well dockets my throat today it

it kind of feels like there's a litter

of kittens in there trying to claw their

way out can you see in there

well take your shirt off and I'll have a

look do what your shirt Mr

Peterson how dare you exploit my pain to

get your own private little sex show

your voice

down just hop up on the scale then well

jeez hey wow did I win a stuffed animal

H you can stand to lose a little weight

Mr Peterson oh yeah right and doctors

are all perfect aren't they oh yeah oh

boy they don't drink like fish or smoke

like fish or or do drugs like fish oh no

they're perfect believe me doc I'll

outlive you by by a

decade oh I'm winded I'm sorry sometimes

when I put more than four sentences in a

row I tend to black

out I was wondering where that I got

too say ah H

mhm what is it DOC you can be straight

with me does it have something to do

with my rear get your tonsils Chris I'm

afraid they're inflamed in fact they're

worse than I've ever

seen you weren't swallowing fire or

anything like that recently were you

jeez I

wish well I'm afraid your tonsils will

have to come

out oh my God

oh and I had so many plans I wanted to

have children and now my voice will get

high and I'll Sprout breasts and sit

around all day in

lerie but that would be the worst thing

in the world but you understand what I'm

saying Mr Peterson ton elect to me is a

very simple procedure well doc what

would happen if I just left them in they

would continue growing until they became

full-sized human beings with

personalities of their own one good one

evil just kidding that's just just a

little story I tell to make the Children

Cry okay um well then are are you saying

the operation is perfectly safe well no

surgery is 100%

safe okay well what are my chances Doc

and keep in mind I have a very weak

bladder I'd say you have a

99.999% chance of survival let me work

that out Mr Peterson that means there's

only a

.1% chance of

complication exactly I'm a dead

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man Mr Peterson everything's going to be

okay oh doc I know you have to say that

but I'm already going through the seven

stages of death first denial then anger

then hunger and then sleepy and Doc and

Donner and Blitzen

oh jeez oh I realize now that I'm all

alone I'm doomed oh isolated from the

rest of the world like a free floating

blob of cellulite cast a drift in a sea

of cotton candy soaked in dog saliva

which is so ironic because dogs are

allergic to Cotton Candy except of

course the

poodle oh why me why me I'm So Young I'm

so innocent I'm so chocolati would you

shut the hell up and get out I have

another patient

here not

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sure good morning Mom morning Dad oh how

are you dear oh I'm I'm fine you know my

my slacks are neatly pressed and not a

hair is out of place and sports is

fun oh who am I kidding I can't continue

with the shade wait

oh Mom Dad what would you do if I was no

longer

around don't tease Us

boy okay let me try to get through this

without weeping that would be a

first okay uh here it is I've just come

from the doctor and um I mean a real

doctor not not one of those p*mps like

Dr Detroit and uh well it seems that I'm

Gravely ill

and well they have to go in and they

have to delicately uh remove my precious

bulbous pusill

tonsils I knew it he did it to us again

gladus Chris why must you always jerk us

around having your tonsils out is not a

big deal no they got to you didn't they

sure told you how to act so he wouldn't

scare me out of my Underpants huh crying

out loud Chris as much much as it hurts

me to say it you're going to be fine now

sure Dad let's all play steeped in

denial come on don't you understand I'm

being honest with you here look I I want

you two to do something for me okay if

something should happen and well I'm not

able to enjoy life the way I'm able to

now like well being able to eat as many

Fritos as I like or pulling ticks off

the cat or watching bananas get those

little brown spots on them if I can't do

that

anymore I want you to to pull the

plug trust us will'll

insist and I want an open casket unless

of course I die with a face like

this all

right goodbye Sharon Goodbye

Chris Sharon Sharon Sharon ah oh e

Sharon

Sharon I've come to make my peace with

you oh oh good because this is one of

the few times I'm actually prepared for

one of your little visits G Sharon

listen I'm going to die of a terrible

terrible

disease really mhm tell me more well uh

I have to undergo a a very dangerous

unspeakable

surgery oh Chris you do this to me every

year and then at the last minute you

decide not to get the lipos suction oh

how can I prove to you that my days are

numbered here uh oh I have an

idea

uh Sharon if I wasn't really going to

die would I give you

this it's my precious necklace of cow

teeth oh see how the tartar glistens in

the

light my only regret is that much of its

original delicate scent has now

faded well that's yours

Joy you know Chris's stupid and and

disgusting as this gesture is it does

prove you're not

kidding how I wish I was sweet

Sharon no I I'm

not I'm here because well I want you to

know that I'm sorry for all the minor

inconveniences that I may have caused

you I truly

am well Chris

uh I forgive

you just as I'm sure you're sorry for

being such a colossal to me and

everyone else for low these many years

well I wouldn't go quite oh God how I

need to hear you say

it

okay yes I am Sharon before I go on

through to the great

behind I have one final request what I

really need a

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hug so uh Chris what what kind of

operation are you having oh it's it's

very rare it's very dangerous they they

call it a it's a tonsil loomy that's

oh oh God our beautiful moment together

was spoiled by a random muscle

spasm what a Pity Chris unfortunately

you can't die from Aon sectomy she that

damn doctor's gotten everybody what's

going on oh uh your mother was is just

consoling me dear before I have to go

and have my tonsils removed I might have

to have my tonsils out

too jeez you know what we're as good as

dead I'll see you in hell

honey what got into her kids go

figure oh hey well we're sh**ting at me

aren't we I'll

just okay door unlocked there you go

okay you know you might want to have the

checked on that thing I think you're

just a

t well now it's time to savor my last

day of life on this big beautiful planet

we

call

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Pluto oh flowers oh I think I'm going to

pick you yeah you're for me come on up

oh you smells so good

[Applause]

M

yes hi how are you what are you

doing

yeah you are

beautiful

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what are

you

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I got

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one well I've made my peace with the

world and now I'm ready to f face the

unknown like a

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man I don't want to

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die he's not moving I say let's pull the

plug Fred is fine he's just coming out

of the anesthesia besides he's not even

hooked up to any machines well and just

give me a

pillow

oh my parents the most beautiful sight

in the whole world I'm alive I survived

I survived either that or we're all dead

and we're burning in Hell

together no it can't be Gus is here too

and he's too good too pure to be in hell

I am alive it's like experiencing all

the wonderful sensations of Life of new

the warm sun on my face the soft hum of

the fluorescent tubes as they give us

additional Holy Light the constant

familiar itching and burning in my left

ear and of course the cool sensation of

my skin crawling with microscopic

insects never felt so happy in my life

Chris Chris how do you

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feel I can't talk the pain horrible I

can't talk what's he trying to tell us I

think he wants me to throw a glass of

water in its

face that wasn't it silly me funny

that's exactly what I thought he was

trying to say I get it he's just

realizing he can't

talk well of course you can't talk you

idiot you just had your tonsils out

don't worry you'll get your voice back

soon jeez can you believe it they're all

lying to me again those heartless

b*stards I can see it in their faces

more full of pity than usual oh sure

they're saying I'll be okay but if I

could record every other word and play

it backwards on a phonograph the message

would come out crystal clear I will

never speak

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again I think he's looking for another

glass of water in the puss no Fred he

wants us to leave oh it's almost as

good great I asked for a simple glass

glass of water in the face and they walk

out on

me well this is just great I might as

well be a bird a big dumb stupid bird or

a street mine I can forget about kroi

night at the local Moose Lodge No More

philosophical discussions on the teen

chat party line I guess I'm just going

to have to rely on the kindness of

others to accept the new mute me

hi

Chris I just came by to see if it's

true can't talk

huh oh my prayers have been

answered so can talk at all huh well

then aren't you a big fat

idiot I mean correct me if I'm

wrong apparently

not well Chris I do hope you will say

something if I'm doing anything

whatsoever is bothering

you is that bother

you apparently

not oh wait wait wait I I know what

you're saying

honey your dad told you like

that well I'll be back

tomorrow with

tools unless of course you don't want me

to come

back speak up honey okay then see you

tomorrow

well that does it I can't just lie here

like a silent lump I've got to get my

voice back no matter what it takes I've

got things to say I've got things to

sing I've got noises to

make they say there's no therapy that my

voice will come back on its own well as

usual I know better because I'm the

smartest human being on the face of the

earth I wasn't I'd be smart enough to

know what do super smart people do when

they lose their voices they come up with

their own therapy who needs those stupid

PhD Dr lawyer Indian chiefs I'll do it

all on my

own drinking my own concoction of coke

and Pop Rocks three times a day should

stimulate the vocal

cords and 12 hours a day on the Libra

2000 to keep my rear R from putting too

much drag on my

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throat heated punches to that example

your

strength and frequent daily hanging

should keep my neck muscles stretched

and

supple

can't believe I've had no result oh I

have to face the horrible reality that

no one will ever hear another peep out

of me again I guess tomorrow I've got to

start practicing talking out of other

parts of my

body good morning Chris are we talking

yet that's too bad well oh as usual I'm

here to entertain you in your time of

need today we are going to be

experimenting with water and a heavy

duty truck

battery we are going to see just how

much electricity the human body can

actually

take I think a pathetic little birdie

got trapped in

here

get

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out get out

sh get out

Sharon get me gone

sheded damn sometimes life

sucks oh oh yes I can I can talk I can

talk I can talk again

and and I can talk and walk at the same

time wow I'm even better than

before look out world here I

come yes yes oh I can talk and run at

the same time oh oh yes oh life is fair

life is good life is

wonderful I'm

cured everybody I'm

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cured