02x08 - Girlfriend 2000

[bunniefuu]

oh what a perfect

day I'm so lucky to be able to live in

such a nice

beautiful safe

neighborhood oh my

God are you all

right

[Music]

you are the most beautiful woman I have

ever seen with a possible exception of

Charles

dering I'm so sorry I'm usually a very

careful driver but I was on the car

phone with President Bush and I got

distracted when Queen Elizabeth came in

on call waiting I have no idea who they

are but anyway it's not your fault I

just thought this was one of those those

days where I was semi-solid and cars

could go right through me fine I don't

think so look at your legs oh please

they're always like

that well actually no this one's usually

wrapped around my neck here I'll get it

I'm going to have to reset your legs

using an ancient Chinese technique but

don't worry I'm a practicing surgeon wow

a doctor huh jeez well maybe you can

help me with another little problem I'm

having what exactly does it mean when

you wake up every morning in a pool of

your own

vomit ah this is going to be

excruciatingly painful more pain than

you've ever felt well you weren't around

me when I heard they had canceled

Manimal and you're going to need to bite

down on this oh great

thanks you know this would go great with

a little

crep

there that's the best I could

do have you started yet cuz I got to

tell you I didn't feel a

thing amazing one of the slowest working

brains I've ever seen thanks very much I

actually just had it service there's

something wrong with the fan

Bell is the Ping back no it's my bike my

dear sweet lovable sniffable

bite a little bit late but I'll see what

I can

[Music]

[Music]

do wow jeez you're a doctor and you can

fix bikes boy you must be some kind of a

Jan Jano a genio a genio genius

genius yeah I suppose so according to

those silly tests anyway wow I am too I

think

beep good for

you well I have to go again I'm so sorry

oh forget about it there's really no

problem I get run over several times a

day it's a great way to meet

people hey wait

um

I forgot to ask your name Trisha Trisha

Paddington well I'm Chris Chris

uh Chris

something it's lovely to meet you Chris

now I really have to go sure I

understand well

goodbye

Chris you really should move or I'll run

over you

again you're right jeez I am a silly a*s

am I

not

oh I love you Trisha

Paddington

[Music]

stand in the place where you live now

think about Direction wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you have

people and in the place where you live

now out Direction wonder why you have it

now stand in the place where you were

now face about the place where you live

wonder why you hav't stand in the place

where you

are so

[Music]

stand you're amazing Dr Paddington

risking your life with dangerous

radioactive substances like that

dangerous but necessary Herbert if I'm

going to find that cure for sour stomach

I'm

after

now oh my God man in chamber man in

chamber hey watch it Jee hey hey get

your dirty hands off me pal it's a

little touchy feely if you know what I

mean get some help will

you are you all right yeah no I feel

fine I'm just a little tingly all over

that's all especially in my groin area

kind of feels like it feels after I take

a shower with that really minty

soap wow my sour stomach's

gone how did you get in there oh isn't

that the greatest Hiding Place lucky for

me my house key just happened to fit the

lock hey can I keep

this my that we're a selfish baby aren't

we hey you know your cuckoo clocks are

off by about 7 Minutes in here but other

than that this place is great so uh what

exactly do you do again are you like a

nude mud wrestler something like that I

told you I'm a doctor and a scientist oh

yeah right honey and I'm the goodye

blimp look there are letters running

across my

rear what are you doing here Chris oh

well I I tracked you down all day

because I I wanted to

oh wait it'll come to me oh yeah I'm in

love with you I've been in love with you

since the moment I saw you it was like I

was run over Chris I did run you over

you mean you felt it too but don't you

see it's fate then we're meant to be

together to spend our lives together to

to have babies together if someone would

just tell us how that's done we'll live

as one one heart one mind one

a*s really I'm very very flattered and

you're very very sweet but I feel that

the best way to handle this is with

total honesty and well I'm just not

attracted to you I'm

sorry all right I see how it is huh Miss

run him over save his life and leave him

huh he's working with radioactive

isotopes and then he surprises her says

she doesn't love him even though he says

he loves her okay well miss looks at him

like he's nuts Miss burs her eyes and

walks away F Miss Miss interrupts him in

the middle of a

sentence all right fine I don't need you

baby no I don't need you at all there

are plenty of other fish out there in

the sea of recklessly driving

cars no don't feel sorry for me cuz I

feel sorry for you because I've already

forgotten your name

Trisha

Trisha

Trisha

TR jeez I was wondering why this thing

was going crazy thank God it doesn't

need

servicing what the hell happened to you

oh go I just met the woman of my dreams

the kind of dreams that can make a mess

if you know what I'm talking about

and anyway she's gorgeous and she's a

genius but for some reason she doesn't

want to have anything to do with

me and I can't get her out of my head

everywhere I look I see her face well

you got pictures of her plastered

everywhere oh oh so I do oh thank

goodness for a second there I thought I

was going out of my Liv a snap

mind listen kid I've been through this

unreachable broad crap myself Sally

fredman gorgeous platinum blonde

had a backside that went on

forever I told her I was crazy about her

but she wasn't interested I tried

everything flowers presents singing

outside her window what happened her

husband and two teenage Sons beat the

snot out of me and made me drink dog

urine I think I know what you're trying

to tell me Gus it's time for me to take

a deep breath and move

on okay thanks listen will you help me

eat these are you nuts kid I'm not

telling you to forget her I gave up on

that major babe and look where it got me

17 beers a night and a NY magazine bill

that could pay for a shiny new trailer

home I don't understand are you telling

me I should call her any loser can do

that you got to show her that you're

different don't just call her call her

every 15 minutes write her endless

rambling deranged letters in your own

blood dog her every step show her that

you care with a passion of a psychotic

Maniac yes yes and you think she'll like

this as a cop I've seen the scenario a

100 times and it worked never usually W

up with somebody getting shot but

therefore follow the beauty of the logic

of this the odds must be due to

change oh Gus Gus if you weren't a man I

could give you a big wet kiss right on

the lips right now I'm not ruling that

out for

later let's get

stalking you are

obession I cannot sleep I

possession un your there's

no

quity still I will

not I will have you yes I will have you

I will find a way and I will have you

like about oh

wildly I will

you and capture you you are obession

you're my session who do you want you to

make me S with me you are OB session

you're my session who do you want to

make you SLE with me I Fe you I Drink

You by day and by night I need you I

need you I

again you

you want to be safe oh there's no

alternative I see the beauty death but I

see

danger

[Music]

stranger

your not you

are your

my who do you want me to make you sleep

with me you are an obsession you're my

obsession who do you want me to be

[Music]

to Crazy Glue my hand your

shoe with this glue I the

wed don't you see Trisha before I let

you go I'll see us both rot and burn in

hell and then rot some more until we're

both the mulch that makes up the

fertilizer in the devil's

Garden I love you treasure forever and

ever and

ever

excuse me sir I'd like to purchase some

foot pads please I've been dogging a

lovely woman's every step for the last

couple of days and my feet are one big

[ __ ]

[Music]

blister you are the most

gorgeous perfect sexy man I've ever seen

with the possible exception of Charles

dernie thank you very much oh you know I

also need some deodorant all this

running around has really made me stink

up a

storm W run for your

lives I must know your name uh Chris

Chris uh Chris

something oh hey throw some of those

condoms would you you know in case this

harassing thing pays

off I love you

thank you very much have a very kind and

courteous manner about you miss and

people say the world has become cold and

impersonal but I say poo on

them go away Chris I will

[Laughter]

not hey it's that rustling in the bushes

over there

there maybe it's one of those cute

little Keebler elves with a cookie for

me El come

on elf elf elf hey you're not an elf oh

but I just pray you still have a cookie

for me it's me Evelyn from the store H

all right all right look I stole it

because I was too embarrassed to ask for

it all right but yes certain men have

uses for bras too

okay to the AMA if you're going to be

jogging you need a little support all

right but sue me you can have it back I

only wore it

once no Chris it's not that you see I

love you Chris I've loved you from the

first moment I saw you and I'm going to

do whatever it takes to make you mine

that is the sickest most perverted thing

I have ever heard in my entire life now

please leave me alone I'm trying to

stalk somebody

here no Chris

I'll never leave you alone until you

realize that you love me too well fine

then I'll just move over

here then I'll move over

here you managed to follow me everywhere

what are you some kind of evil

superhero come on come

on

don't you are

obession you're my session who do you

want me

to make you sleep with me you are

obession you're my

obession do you want me to make you s

with me you are obession you're

obession do you

want

make you are obession you're my

obession

make

[Music]

Chris get out get out get

out wait a second do you mean to tell me

that you're not in love with me yet look

lady if you don't start warming up to me

within the next 2 years I might just

start to lose interest here and one day

you will look under that dear sweet rump

of yours and I just may not be

there Chris I am never going to warm up

even if you follow me around for the

rest of both our stinking

lives you know for the first time what

you're saying to me I think it's finally

gotten through to me I understand now I

really do really yes you you don't love

me right and you'll never love me

exactly until we dance

together yeah no just a sweet Cha Cha

Cha to break the ice come

on no oh come on come on let the music

do its job

here OD when are your speakers must be

out a well don't worry I can fix

anything with my magic

saliva

it's her who it's the wacko that's been

following me every day and night and not

letting me rest or sleep or follow you

right Chris and I'll never give up hey

wait a second I'm starting to see a

parallel here really Chris now what

would that be well you're both fond of

mauve blouses and sensible

heels oh wait there's something more

the way she's been following and

harassing me that's not unlike the way

I've been following

you and it didn't feel good to me to

have her following me that way

so maybe it's not making you feel so

good and maybe instead of making you

happy I've been torturing you yes Chris

you have oh oh how terribly insensitive

of me oh Trisha I feel so bad about this

that well maybe I'll

stop

maybe no no you're right only losers

don't finish what they start right and

I'll never stop either and how's this

for an unexpected twist if I can't have

you no one

can well Evelyn you can't buy my love by

showering me with Trinkets and shiny

knives no Chris's going to k*ll you oh

oh hey maybe you'll love me in another

life Evelyn Evelyn don't don't please

please don't do it Russell Evelyn from

the moment I met you I couldn't get you

out of my mind so for the last month

I've been watching your every move

following you following him following

her wow a talking dog hi

Pooch no Chris that's the man oh oh yeah

you're right boy you are a genius aren't

you Russell I never even knew you cared

about me I was too shy to come forward

so I just hid away quietly watching you

mainly through heating vents but since

you're going on this k*lling Spree I

thought this might be a good time for me

to come forward I never was the least

bit interested in you but you sure know

the proper way to show a gy you lover

her so what the hell let's get

married

if it doesn't work out I can always

track him down again

great well from this moment on Trisha I

shall torment you no longer I shall walk

out this door and you will no longer see

hear or smell of me

again wait yes I have put on a little

weight honey but you're no Bean poot no

I mean

stop don't you want me out of your life

forever can't to go play hard to get

you mean you're madly in love with me

now the way I'm madly in love with you

get real

Chris yet I have a certain interest

maybe I just want to do a paper on you

or at least some electroshock

experiments oh

electroshock oh boy this is like a dream

come true first I get an incredibly

gorgeous genius girlfriend and then I

get to be an experimental guinea pig

no offense to our Italian friends

there I was just talking to Russell and

we've decided that I should finish what

I started and stab you

oh

jeez

wow oh well good thing you're a doctor

and a surgeon huh unfortunately Chris

stab wounds are the one injury I don't

know a damn thing

about

okay

gee I have the worst luck with

[Music]

[Applause]

men

[Applause]

oh