01x02 - Deep Pockets

[bunniefuu]

MRS. BANKS:

Thank you for coming, dear.

I saw your flyer.

You must be very busy.

- Ah, yeah. Hotline's been

ringing off the hook.

But it's no problem, Mrs. Banks.

Now what's the emergency?

- Oh, well, my son Matthew

bought me a Blu-Ray player,

but I can't seem to get

the bloody thing to work.

- This is not the proper use

of the Koala Hotline, Mrs. Banks,

but since I'm here

Okay, I see your problem.

Your TV needs to be on "HDMI 1."

You see this button here

that says "source"?

Press "source" then "OK" for "HDMI 1."

- Wait-wait-wait, just let me

put my glasses on.

Now which one is it?

KEVIN:

"Source" then "OK" for "HDMI 1."

- Oh, there's lots of buttons

aren't there?

It's very complicated.

- J-Just pay attention so you can learn

for next time, Mrs. Banks.

Just "source" and then "OK" for "HDMI 1."

- Okay, um, wh-where will I see--

where will I see that?

- Yeah, on the TV screen, yep.

- Uh

Oh, yeah, oh, there he is.

- Just, uh maybe you try.

- Um

- Just press "source"

then "OK" for "HDMI 1."

- Y-You're going very fast!

You're going too fast for me.

- Just there. Just press the button.

- Can you slow down a bit?

- Mrs. Banks? It's quite simple, actually.

If you just press there.

- I'm not following

- Then you can go down

"HDMI 1," you see that?

- Stop, just slow down.

- Press that button.

- "Source."

- Stop! You're going too fast!

Just-- Get out!

Get out, Koala Man!

[sobbing] You're sick!

The power's gone to your head!

[sobbing]

- Just try to collect yourself,

Mrs. Banks.

I'll go have a look at the switchboard.

Then we can try this again.

[vehicle revving]

[tires squealing]

Who the bloody hell are you lot?

ANNOUNCER: Tradies!

Sparky!

Brickie!

Chippy!

Lady Tradie!

Oi, f*ck!

You got a permit to be touching

that switchboard?

This is Tradie territory.

You some kind of Koala Tradie dickhead?

No permit. I'm just helping Mrs. Banks.

And I'm not a Tradie, I'm a superhero,

thank you very much.

- Ha, you hear that, boys?

This unit reckons he's a superhero.

You got a license, bro?

Because you ain't sh*t without a license.

- Well, no, it's more

of a self-appointed position.

- I didn't do the hard yards

as an apprentice for all those years

so some fake hero shitcunt

could take my job.

- He, he, yeah,

you tell 'em, Brickie! Heh!

- We ever catch you

doing Tradie work again,

we'll burn you to a f*ck' crisp, mate.

We run this town.

See that? That's how a licensed

professional flips a switch.

[Tradies laughing]

I could have done that.

♪ theme song playing ♪

♪ theme continues ♪

Koala Kode 150.

Remember, kids, art is a hobby,

not a career

No.

And that is why, as Dapto's

greatest and only superhero,

I should be officially licensed

like any Tradie would.

Call me a Supie.

I see.

Normally, I would have my assistant Kevin

throw you out on your arse

for barging in here, but he's been

in the bathroom for some time now.

Between you and me, I think he's having

a wank in there. He's quite repressed.

- Well, I think Kevin's actually

pretty cool if you ask me.

- As to your request,

in order to receive a license in Dapto,

you must show that you provide

a unique service to this town.

As far as I can tell, mate,

your only skill is having

a full-on mental breakdown.

If I'm hearing you correctly,

you're saying if I crack

a big case no one else can,

you'll have no choice but to declare me

Dapto's official superhero in residence?

- If that's what you want

to take away from this, sure, whatever.

Then the quest is given!

Ah, Kevin Williams! There you are!

Back from the bathroom in a perfectly

reasonable amount of time!

That's our Kevin.

MAN: Hello, students, you're probably

wondering why I'm so excited.

Well, it's because today

is a very exciting day!

North Dapto High is starting

a new health food initiative

called "Lean Canteen!"

Thank you, Principal Bazwell.

Yes, as of today,

sugary, carbonated beverages

will no longer be allowed

on school premises.

- That'll do it.

Locked up tighter than a nun's clacker.

This is bullshit! I need my fizzy!

- Look, I know you kids

all love sugary drinks,

but as your canteen lady, I've seen

firsthand what this stuff can do to you.

Rotten teeth, focus problems.

And of course, type two diabetes.

That's the one you have to work for.

- But don't worry, I've come up

with yummy beverage alternatives

I'm sure you're gonna love!

- Now since this was

Canteen Lady Vicky's idea,

it will be up to her to enforce this rule

and distribute all punishment.

[cowbell jingling]

Now, pop off back to class!

- There's no way

they're taking away my fizzy

They seem to be taking it pretty hard.

- Poppycock, Vicky!

They'll come around.

At least I hope they do,

because doing all this was very expensive,

and your job depends on it,

Vicky, believe you me.

The fizzy pop must flow,

or the canteen lady's head is sure to go!

- What do you think

about these cool shorts?

Pretty practical, right?

Just like Dad always says.

Look at how deep these pockets are!

I could keep a sword in here

no, a katana!

No, a Scottish claymore!

Really any kind of melee weapon.

- I don't care how deep

your pockets are, Liam.

I don't think you understand

what's about to happen.

Because Mum banned fizzy drink,

everyone in school is going to hate us

more than they already do!

- You're overreacting, sissy of mine.

Surely no one will blame us.

- Your b*tch mum confiscated my fizzy.

Now you're gonna pay.

Wait! You want fizzy?

I can get you as much fizzy as you want.

Hmmm, you better.

Or I'm gonna tell everyone that you got

fingered by Gemma's brother

and then you thought you got pregnant

so you did ten pregnancy tests

and it was embarrassing for everyone.

M'kay, byeeeeee.

[kids muttering]

- Where are we going to get

that much soda?

- Do you remember when Dad

tried to throw that party

for the queen's birthday

and no one came?

He bought loads of soda, and it's sitting

in our house even as we speak.

If they catch us, we could get expelled.

By our own mum!

Liam, if we pull this off,

we'll become two of the most powerful

and popular kids in Dapto.

- But how are we going to sneak

fizzy drink into the school?

We have deep pockets.

♪

Come on, ring.

Ring! Bring me a case, Koala Hotline!

The ever-vigilant eye

of Koala Man stands ready.

[cowbell jingles]

Ginger carrot juice pouch, sweetheart?

Thank you, Miss Vicky.

Mmmmm! My tummy's full,

but my body's healthy!

Aww, aren't you a dear?

[soda cans opening]

Ah! My healthy initiative!

Noooooo!

- Any minute now,

the big case will come in.

I hope.

Hm, perhaps I didn't print enough flyers.

- You don't need a license

to compete with those nasty Tradies.

You're good, honorable, cuddly.

Truly the best of us.

- Right on all accounts, Louise.

At least someone around here gets it.

- This country's taking

an elevator to hell

and stopping at every sh*t floor

on the way down.

Someone needs to set things right!

- Oh, I don't know, KM, how can you

compete with the Tradies?

They're like royalty!

They run Australia!

Some say the Tradies aren't even human,

that they have special abilitieeees.

Ooh, did that scare you?

- I read on Facebook that,

in other countries,

skilled laborers are at the bottom

of the social food chain.

And here they're living legends.

And so shall I be too.

As soon as the phone rings.

[phone buzzing]

It's on!

What is the nature of your emergency?

VICKY: Kevin, someone's

smuggled soda into the school!

Two kids OD'd.

They're off their bloody chops.

Principal Bazwell's in a tizz.

I'm worried I could lose my job!

- Are you saying you've got a case for me?

VICKY: What? No!

Kevin, I just wanted a little

emotional support from my husband.

- But I'm afraid

you didn't call your husband.

You called the only hero in this town

who can help you catch the smuggler.

VICKY: I accidentally called

your Koala Man Hotline, didn't I?

Indeed, you did.

♪ Dirty Deeds ♪

♪ Done dirt cheap ♪

♪ Dirty Deeds ♪

♪ Done dirt cheap ♪

♪ Dirty Deeds ♪

♪ Done dirt cheap ♪

♪ Dirty Deeds

and they're done dirt cheap ♪

- Oh!

- Dirty Deeds ♪

♪ And they're done dirt cheap ♪

♪ Yeahhhh ♪

♪ guitar solo playing ♪

Another ginger carrot pouch, darling?

Shove that healthy sh*t!

Kevin?!

I don't know to whom you're referring.

Is Kevin your husband?

Because he sounds really cool.

- Koala Man,

what do you think you're doing?

- I received your call on

the Koala Hotline, and I'm here to help.

- I specifically told you that calling

the hotline was a mistake I deeply regret

and your help was not needed.

- Which made me realize

just how serious the situation was.

You obviously needed someone uniquely

equipped to handle a smuggling ring.

And it's a good thing I'm here,

because I discovered a clue.

Jesus Christ, Kevin.

- Yep, that's LA Ice,

same kind of fizzy drink I bought

for my massively attended

queen's birthday party.

Whoever this crime lord is

has great taste.

- It's just a kid smuggling soda

into the school.

I can handle this myself just by talking

to the children on their own level.

I guess I can give that a shot.

Hey, who's bringin' in the fizzy?!

[sobbing]

Sorry, Vicky. Your way does not work.

- We're running out of product.

Soda's sold out everywhere in Dapto.

I didn't anticipate this much demand!

Maybe we should give it up?

You've had your fun,

but the heat's coming down!

Mum and Dad are hot on our trail.

[pounding on door]

MCKAYLA: I need more fizzy!

- Uh, come back tomorrow.

- Don't blow this, Alison.

You were the least popular girl

in school, and you can be again.

What are we going to do, Liam?

- We have to run away from Dapto.

It's our only choice!

I hear you're in the fizzy game

What? Who told you that?

No, no, no, no.

We love, uh, ginger carrot pouches!

Don't bullshit me, young Sheila.

I used to be quite a ripper in my time.

You ever service two bike gangs

in one day to stop a turf w*r?

Nah, you wouldn't have the stamina.

But if you want the fizzy,

I can put you in touch

with some old friends

for a cut, of course. [snickers]

You're on.

Okay, time to do this your way.

Hey, kids.

I know it's hard to tell an adult

when your friends are misbehaving,

but it's important you tell me the truth.

Who's bringing the fizzy drink in?

- Good try, Vicky.

But that's no way to make a child break.

- Kevin, I'm not trying to break them!

I'm trying to be direct and forthright.

I know the criminal heart, Vicky.

When I see the culprit,

I'll know it instantly.

Which is precisely why I installed

cameras in the boys' toilets.

That's where the deals

are probably taking place.

We have 360-degree vision of every stall.

4K Ultra HD.

- You can't put up cameras

in the boys' toilets, you'll go to jail!

- Oh, it's fine! They're concealed under

the seats so no one will ever find them.

- We're not spying on the children, Kevin!

Just go home!

I allowed myself to think for one second

maybe we could do this together,

but clearly I was mistaken.

Please leave before I get fired!

You're not a legitimate superhero.

- Well, that's not a very supportive thing

for a Koala Companion to say.

[wind whistling]

- I'm really scared, Alison.

Can we please just go home?

No! This is happening.

Janine's contacts should be here already.

- [screams]

- You the kids that want soda?

We can get you soda.

The Tradies run this town.

- Principal Bazwell,

do you think a good person

can do a bad thing and still be good?

- Liam, I know it's an old cliché

about the principal being your pal,

but maybe this principal can help you

get back in touch with your principles.

Ohhhhh! Wordplay!

I thought you'd enjoy that.

I want to talk to the authentic Liam.

Not the Liam you think you should be,

but the Liam who lives in your heart.

God's Liam.

Um hi?

Oh. Hi, Authentic Liam.

What's going on, man?

- I'm worried about my sister.

She's fallen in with a rough crowd.

- Aw, man, that sucks, dude.

Are they engaging in risky behaviors?

LIAM: You could say that.

I'm worried someone will get hurt.

Ugh! Always bloody construction.

- [door clangs]

- Huh?

What are you Tradies doing?

[sparks zapping]

No!

- You know, Liam, my man,

sometimes the bravest thing you can do

is confront someone

when they're on the wrong path, yeah?

Stand up to Alison?

Of course! I know just who to call.

Thank you, Princi PAL!

- [door closes]

- I'm a punisher for puns.

- After this,

you're out of the fizzy game.

That's plenty of crime for Liam,

thank you very much.

Ahh! Liam?!

- I really thought

I could crack this case.

Mrs. Koala Man's cross with me,

and I'm no closer to finding the culprit.

I had one chance to prove

to Big Greg I deserve a hero license,

but I reckon I'll never be a Supie now.

- I say we go down to that school and beat

the devil out of those little b*stards.

No mercy!

- I wish it were that simple, Maxwell.

Maybe Dapto doesn't need Koala Man.

The only calls on the Koala Hotline

are quite a*usive.

I've stopped checking it, actually.

- Don't be silly!

Nobody could ever hate you, Koala Man.

- I'm sure it's not that bad.

Go on then, let us have a listen.

MAN: [on voicemail]

Hello-ah-ah-ah! You're a dickhead!

Yeah, you got a little d*ck

on your head! Ha, ha!

[beep]

MRS. BANKS: Hello, Koala Man?

The Blu-Ray's out again.

I'll call you again in ten minutes.

[beep]

LIAM: Ah, yes, Koala Man,

this is an adult calling, not your son,

to tell you that if you want

to get to the bottom of the fizzy ring,

there's a big meeting happening tonight

at the abandoned warehouse

on Ashby Street.

Uh, who am I?

I'm just a concerned citizen

who's been stabbed.

Uh, yes, I'm dead.

But, but do please go to that warehouse.

Okay, goodbye.

- Jesus fackin' Christ! A m*rder!

Right on the Koala Hotline!

- The case is back on!

♪ fanfare playing ♪

To the Koala Mobile!

Actually, can I borrow some money?

The Koala Mobile's low on petrol

and I left my wallet at home.

[straining]

Vicky?

Did you koala climb up here too?

I took the stairs.

Ah. Conventional.

What are you doing here?

- Thanks to my legitimate

superhero hotline,

I've cracked the case, actually.

What are you doing here?

Well, by actually listening to the kids,

I figured out who's

been smuggling the fizzy drink.

It's Liam.

KEVIN: Dear God.

Our beloved boy is clearly being

influenced by that hooded hoodlum.

Did you get the stuff?

Here's the money.

- This'll see you sitting pretty

for a year or more.

Regular, diet, even

that sugary sh*t from America.

Not that we'd ever drink it.

You don't get abs like this

from drinking soda, bro.

I don't understand.

You're some of the richest,

hottest people in town.

Why do you do this?

It's about power.

Most places in this world

look down on Tradies.

But here in Australia,

we're king of the castle.

We get a taste of every deal

that goes down in Dapto.

And I go home at night

to my beautiful, fit wife

and plow the sh*t out of her.

Yeah, he plows her rotten!

Really gives it to her!

Well put, Brickie.

- It's all here. You've actually

given us a little too much.

Here's your change.

Thanks for respecting the process.

This deal couldn't have gone any better.

[screams]

[thuds]

Liam Leslie Williams!

- Mum?!

- Mum? This is a classic stitch-up!

The kid stitched us up!

- Attention smugglers:

your soda operation is about to go flat!

I should have known you Tradies

were up to no good.

Turn yourselves in,

and I'll consider showing mercy.

- You should have

never come here, Koala Man.

I told you if I ever saw you again,

I'd burn you to a crisp.

And I meant it.

[snarling]

I'm gonna work my wood! Hahaha!

Bro, you need a better catchphrase.

- Help!

- Vicky!

Why are you in such a hurry, Koala Man?

You need to slow down!

Nooooooooooooo!

This is what happens to traitors.

I'm gonna blow a circuit

in your brain!

[screams]

Liam! No!

You've lost, Koala Man!

Tradies! Flex off, boys!

[Tradies laughing]

SPARKY: I'm gonna blow a circuit

in your brain!

[voice echoing]

[screeching]

[sighing]

[straining]

You'll never get away with this!

- We already have, baby.

It's time to cook the bear.

[sparks crackling]

Ohh!

- How did you--

- I may not have superpowers,

but I always carry

a delicious ginger carrot pouch

for energy.

Aww.

- This is for the boy you fried,

who I've only just met,

but nonetheless care deeply about!

[chuckling]

[snickering]

I might just get out of your hair,

actually, I'll just get out of here.

[roars]

[thuds]

That's it, Tradies. You had a fair go,

and you lost. Get outta here!

It is time.

We must summon Jack.

Who's this Jack you speak of?

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪ epic music playing ♪

ANNOUNCER: Jack of all Tradies!

Boss Level!

Oh, this is definitely not on.

Uggh!

You got a permit?

No mates rates, you're paying full price.

To get bashed!

Oi, dickhead, how about a soft drink?

[screams]

My perfectly healthy and hot body!

Empty calories!

[screaming]

Uggh!

Aah You avenged our son, Vicky.

I should have listened to you.

VICKY: Oh, Kevin!

I want you to know that you are

a first-rate Koala Companion.

♪ - romantic music playing ♪

[both coughing]

LIAM:

Alison use the deep pockets

Deep pockets?

I don't under--

[gasps] Of course!

[groaning]

[both gasp]

[groaning]

What happened?

Oh, Liam! You're alive! Mwah!

Kevin? What happened in there?

How did we--?

- I must have had a feat

of superhuman strength

and carried us all to safety

in some kind of daze.

I actually can't think

of anything else that it could've been.

- Mum! Dad!

I've been looking everywhere for you!

I tried to stop Liam,

but he wouldn't listen!

- Alison, Liam doesn't have it in him

to pull off this whole scheme by himself.

I want you to tell me:

who's been running the soda ring?

[sighs]

Mum, I'm not going to lie to you

- The last dance is always

the saddest, isn't it

McKayla Taylor Mercedes?

- Janine, remove this person, please.

Take her to jail.

I'm innocent! I've been framed!

- It was Ali--

- Hush now, no one likes a squealer.

Thank you, Koala Man, I suppose.

Uh, we never could have

solved this without you.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

- And I never would have cracked it

without Canteen Lady Vicky.

She's a good'un.

Treat her right.

[doors bang]

Are you here to give me my superhero

license and make it official, Big Greg?

- Yeah, piss off, Koala Man.

I was never gonna do that.

I just said that because I had

to take a sh*t and wanted you to leave.

Also, you drove all the Tradies

out of town, idiot!

Sure, they were corrupt, but who's

going to finish my f*ck' veranda?

So why are you here?

- I've come to announce that the Council

has declared this whole soda ban ill*gal.

What? Why? It's helping the children!

- Dapto's greatest export

is unhealthy, unskilled laborers.

If these students get too healthy,

how are we ever going to stock Australia's

factories and slaughterhouses?

You're hurting Dapto's bottom line.

So it's off. Hyah!

Soda's back on!

[cheering]

KIDS: Fizzies!

Uh, Alison, can I talk to you?

- I thought you were grounded.

Father "confined you to quarters."

- He did.

But I want to tell you something,

and I didn't give away

your secret, so you owe me.

Uggh, fine.

- I came to tell you

that your pursuit of popularity

will only end in heartbreak.

It is foretold.

Back at the Tradie base,

I thought I heard your voice in my head.

- I have no idea

what you're talking about.

Pfft, what does he know?

Sure, I'm out of the fizzy game,

but at least it wasn't a total loss.

I will become

the Most Powerful Girl at School.

- Uh-huh?

Garden shears missing for three days?

Yes, Mr. Russo, I think Koala Man

can look into this for you.

I'll pop around soon.

The Koala Hotline

has been ringing off the hook!

That's two calls today.

Real ones, not just hateful slurs!

I think I might be winning this town over.

I'm proud of you, Kevin.

And I'm sorry I said you weren't

a legitimate superhero.

I know Big Greg disappointed you,

but for cracking the fizzy mystery,

I'd like to present you with this

Vicky.

I don't know what to say.

I love it.

Oh, but did you have this done

on the UV acid-free paper?

Because otherwise it will fade in the sun.

Oh, and is that a typo?

Oh, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky

"Source."

"OK."

"HDMI 1."

I did it! All by myself.

Now I can finally watch my snuff films.

MAN: [on video]

Oh, no! Mrs. Banks, no, no!

MRS. BANKS: [on video]

Squeal for me, you yucky little pig.

[man screaming]

[buzzsaw cutting]

Ah, that was a good one.

♪ theme song playing ♪

♪ fanfare playing ♪