01x04 - The Great One

[bunniefuu]

♪ mysterious music playing ♪

[expl*si*n]

THE GREAT ONE:

Earth

Prepare for the coming of The Great One.

[whooshing]

- There was a time

when the Dapto Royal Show

was about coming together as a community

to sing songs

or pick the best-looking sheep.

Now it's just a bunch of hoons.

I can't confront them

as model citizen Kevin Williams,

but I bet Koala Man would have

something to say about this.

- You promised no Koala Man at the show.

It's a family fun day.

Now come on.

What should we do first?

Showbags! Get your showbags!

So many bags of unbelievable fun,

suited to any interest.

What a unique

and fun tradition we Australians have.

- [kids cheering]

- So much chocolate!

Novelty stickers and toys!

- I paid 20 bucks for $6 worth of stuff.

I am so happy!

- I've been saving up

all year for this moment.

I need to get the SwordStorm showbag

before it sells out!

- Those showbags are just

worthless trinkets and lollies.

No, they are currency, Mother.

Currency I will use

to buy Rosie Yodel's friendship.

- Liam, come on.

- Yay.

- Ah, well. At least you and I can

spend some quality time together.

- Oi. You lot.

Try coming together

and doing something productive

as a community for once.

Sorry, love. The debauchery

has proven too much for me.

Oh, is it alright if you pick me up

a prawn showbag?

Thank you, darling.

I'll pay you back later.

Oi. Come back here!

You're not allowed to do that.

- Hey, Janine, do you wanna ride

the Ferris wheel with me?

Nobody else wants to.

- Can't. Today woulda been

mine and Gerry's 20th anniversary,

and I'm gonna masturbate to full splooge

at the top of the wheel,

just like he used to.

God rest his soul.

Right

Well, I don't wanna intrude

on you and Gerry's tradition.

- Move, you little sh*t holes.

It's my anniversary.

♪ romantic piano music playing ♪

Happy anniversary, my sweet prince.

Ohh ohh

♪ Gerry, Gerry ♪

♪ Driving me up so silly ♪

- Gerry, Gerry ♪

- Ooh, ahh

♪ Callin' my name, drivin' me insane ♪

♪ Oh, Gerry ♪

Whoaaa.

[sighs]

♪ ominous music rising ♪

♪ theme song playing ♪

♪

Koala Kode 88.

Remember, that's not a knife.

This is a knife.

And it's ill*gal in New South Wales.

[bed springs creaking]

KEVIN: Ugh ugh

And done.

Ahh, good job, Vicky.

Down to four minutes.

Top-notch efficiency.

Now, where's my prawn showbag?

Ah. There it is.

Kevin we should talk about our

intimate time.

It would be nice if we could

both be a little more aware

of each other's needs.

So we can both have a good time.

Do you understand?

Of course, love.

You're worried it's gone

stale for me, but fear not.

You always get my piggies

out of the barn.

- Prawn?

- No, thanks.

[gulps]

[gulping]

Hmm. Janine still hasn't responded

to any of my messages.

I hope she's okay.

[Kevin snoring]

Ah, I'm probably just fussed over nothing.

♪ ominous music rising ♪

[cow bell jangles]

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

So cuuuute.

You are so nice, I love it.

- Wow, Alison, I can't believe

everyone had the same idea

to buy Rosie's friendship

with showbags.

- If only there were some way to stand out

from these pathetic losers.

- I told you kids.

No showbags at school.

Everybody pack it up.

I know, I know.

Believe me, if anybody sympathizes,

'tis this fella.

I've been a showbag enthusiast

my whole life.

Would you believe I own

over a thousand showbags,

including the rare 2002

Kath & Kim showbag?

Believe it.

I own just about every showbag there is.

Except, of course

- the Forbidden Showbag.

- The what?

- Legend has it, a showbag

was created that was so full

of pure, unadulterated fun,

it nearly destroyed Dapto.

They were forced to bury it

and k*ll its creator.

It's rumored to still be in Dapto

till this very day.

- Wow. If anyone gave me

the Forbidden Showbag,

they would instantly become my BFF.

The hunt is on.

[phone dials]

JANINE: [on voicemail]

Leave a f*ck' message. Bah!

- [phone beeps]

- Janine, where are you?

Things aren't great with Kevin,

and I need some support.

From anybody.

Odd

Huh. Must be one of those

TikTok dances from the internet.

- [droning voice]

You are worthy of love.

[gasps] I am?

[Daptonians groaning]

Lunch? At this hour?

Unheard of, unsanctioned,

and unacceptable.

The love we deserve will be here soon.

The Great One is coming.

Who in blazes is The Great One?

MASK:

It's dodgy, mate.

You and I know the only Great One

is Angus Young from AC/DC.

And I guarantee he's not here.

Probably at home preparing for a tour.

Speaking of, I think we should

really consider buying tickets

to see him in Sydney.

- I would, but money's a bit tight

right now--

MASK: Nah, yeh, nah.

Why catch a legend live, eh?

Just watch a sh*t recording of it

after he's passed.

- Well, I suppose I could talk to Vicky--

- There! He has not known

The Great One's love.

You seem stressed, Kevin.

[staff groaning]

Can I offer you a massage?

- This is not proper

office behavior, Clarko.

I shall be forced to call HR

to report harassment of a sexual nature.

This is not on.

MASK:

Get us out of here, mate.

♪ ominous music playing ♪

- Vicky.

Vicky, we have to get out of here.

Something's wrong with Dapto,

and it's clearly a sex thing.

Kevin, stop.

Don't you see?

It's love.

We are all worthy of love.

No not you too, Vicky.

ALL:

The Great One is coming.

Join the community.

Noooooooooooo.

ALL:

You are worthy of looooooove.

- That is a private matter

fit only for my marital bed.

- Listen to them, Kevin.

We are worthy of love.

Both of us.

[horn honking]

[bodies thud]

Best hop in if ya wanna live, mate.

[tires squeal]

What the hell, Kevin? Uch, typical.

The moment things got serious,

he pops on his mask

and runs off to have

one of his little adventures.

You are worthy of love, Vicky.

- Thank you, Mrs. Banks.

You've all been so supportive.

It's like everyone in the town knew

exactly what I needed to hear today.

Yes, yes. How about a massage?

Oh, ooh, that feels nice.

Gosh, I've been so tense lately.

SPIDER: He's clean.

Those damn grubby Grabbers didn't get him.

Koala Man, I'm so glad you're okay.

Big Greg said you weren't

worth the petrol,

but I think you're

the only one who can save us.

- More than likely correct, Louise.

Now, what happened to everyone?

Whole town's gone psycho.

Seems like if one of those Grabbers

starts giving you a rub-down,

you turn into one of them.

No happy endings.

- Darren.

The f*ck are ya, ya dickhead?

I'm f*ck' scared. [sobbing]

- I can only hope

whatever evil has befallen Dapto,

the children have been spared.

This is awesome!

No parents, no teachers, no rules!

Whooo!

- Alison, I'm frightened.

Where are all the adults?

Should we call

Mum and Dad to pick us up?

- Quit being such a yeasty puss

and help me find that Forbidden Showbag.

- Alison, I don't like this. I think--

MYSTERIOUS VOICE:

Can you hear me, boy?

My word, it's been so long.

- Wh-who said that?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE:

I'm inside your head.

I sense you have The Gift.

You'll learn to control it in time,

unless it drives you mad.

But for now,

if you want the Forbidden Showbag,

you must find me.

- What's wrong with you?

- Follow me.

[electronic beeping, buzzer sounds]

Welcome to my panic room.

Safest place in Dapto.

Bet you don't have

one of these, Koala Man.

- Personally, I've always found

you don't need a panic room

if you don't plan to panic.

[rattles]

Agh! What is that?

- This is the reason

we're starting our mission here.

Voilà.

You are all worthy of looooove.

Darren, nooooooo!

- Darren, what's happening

on the Council roof?

Who is The Great One?

- The Great One lives

in six-dimensional space

in a realm of pure pleasure.

He seeded the cosmos

with his meteors

so that we might prepare for his coming.

Prepare? How?

- A crystal rocket.

At the top of the Council building.

We will build it together,

enter as a community,

and The Great One

will take us to a place

where we'll be enveloped

in his love forever.

- f*ck Oath.

How are we supposed to stop an alien?

- By coming up with

a very, very, very good plan.

♪ dramatic music rises ♪

Or at least just a very good-- I probably

put too many "very"s in there, didn't I?

VICKY: And then he started

eating prawns in bed.

Left the heads

and poop chutes on the pillow.

I feel like I can still smell it on me.

Oh! Uch, god, it's disgusting.

We do not like the shell creatures.

Please hand me the thrust regulator.

- Oh, did I ever tell you about the time

I told Kevin I bought lingerie,

and he thought he was getting

linguine for dinner?

Hmm. This one takes the cake.

Things I love: sunshine

bilbies being me self

And most of all,

I love me best mate, Damo.

- Aw, Darren,

you're me favorite dickhead too.

I can't take this anymore.

Thanks, mate.

Ah, that feels good.

- [screams]

- Christ.

Those little meth heads are escaping.

Koala Man, help!

Oi, boys. Over here.

I'd like one of those comfy massages

you've been talking about.

BOTH:

Join our community of love.

Ugh.

Gotcha, ya grub.

[screams]

He's working the knots out.

- Spider!

SPIDER: Uggh.

Stay back, Koala Man.

I feel worthy of love

- You're not, Spider.

g*dd*mn it, you're not.

- [Darren and Damo groan]

- Ughh

Remember me as I lived

a yucker and a f*ck.

Spider!

Well, that went terribly.

Your fault entirely.

What now, Koala Man?

- They've taken Kevin Williams'

beautiful wife Vicky,

and now they've taken my best friend.

But they won't take Dapto.

There's only one thing left for us to do:

destroy the rocket.

♪ dramatic music fades ♪

How?

[clicks tongue] Dunno.

- [sniffs] Why does it smell

like the bloody ocean in here?

- Ah, sorry, yeah,

that'd be my pocket prawn.

In case I get hungry.

How are we looking back there, Louise?

Koala b*mb is ready to go.

Ah. Cute little fella, isn't he?

I didn't know you were

so tech savvy, Louise.

- I I've been taking

engineering classes on the side

in case it would be useful to you.

Aw, that's sweet of you, Louise.

If I were ever in the market

for a sidekick,

you'd be considered along with

several other qualified individuals.

Eucalyptus oil would fix that right up.

- Fix what?

- Sore joints.

Be happy to gather

a bit for ya sometime.

- Oh, the hands. Right

Yeah, nah, nah, it's nothing.

Old fishing injury is all.

Oh, my God there it is.

[tires squeal]

♪ ominous music rising ♪

- That's the biggest rocket

I've ever seen.

Eh, I've seen bigger.

Liam! What are we doing in here?

- I can't explain it,

but I hear someone calling to me

in my mind.

- I knew it. You have psychic powers.

This is so unfair.

JAMES SHOWBAG:

If the Forbidden Showbag you seek,

perhaps I, James Showbag,

inventor of the showbag, may be of use.

- Alison! This brain says he knows

where the Forbidden Showbag is.

- I can't hear anything.

Tell Wrinkles to spill it.

JAMES SHOWBAG:

The Forbidden Showbag

was my greatest creation,

but it was too powerful,

and the people of Dapto sentenced me

to wallow in brine and my own filth

for all eternity,

that I may serve as a warning

to any who dared create

another bag of infinite fun.

- Could you please tell us where

the Forbidden Showbag is, James?

JAMES SHOWBAG: I can.

But in exchange you must do

something for me.

k*ll me.

What? No. I like you.

JAMES SHOWBAG:

Please, sweet boy.

Years I have waited for someone

with The Gift to hear my cries.

Help an old, tired brain

leave this cruel world.

- He says he'll tell us where the bag is,

but only if we promise to k*ll him.

- Sure, whatever.

Let's just do it.

JAMES SHOWBAG: Huzzah!

The Forbidden Showbag is in a catacomb

hidden beneath

the Fun Fair Ball stand.

Last clown mouth on the right.

- Ugh, did he say where it is yet?

- Yeah, but--

JAMES SHOWBAG:

Wait, no! I've changed my mind!

I want to live. We can be friends--

No!

Aaah.

[Daptonians muttering]

If I can just get the little guy inside,

we'll be properly placed

for maximum destruction.

[gears whirring]

Aw, you b*stard.

I'm sorry, Koala Man.

Forget it, mate. It's over.

We can't just give up, Big Greg.

Oh, Koala Man, Koala Man

You need to relax

Maybe get a massage

What did you say?

We're all worthy of love, Koala Man

including you.

- Koala Man!

- Louise!

Don't worry about me.

Now, go save us, Koala Man.

Kevin, you came back.

You were right about the community

needing to do something positive together.

Now you can be a part of it too.

- Oh, bitter irony.

Now stand aside, insane Vicky.

I have to blow up this rocket before

an interdimensional being comes for us.

- Wait, what?

- Hold on a tick, Vicky.

Your eyes. They're not pink.

Have you not been turned?

- Turned?

What the hell are you talk--

- A community united in love

cannot be stopped, little bear.

The vessel is complete.

Let us board for The Great One's visit.

Seize them!

ALL:

You are worthy of love.

- Starting to feel like I might have

missed some red flags.

♪ mysterious music playing ♪

- The Great One

will descend at any moment.

Now let Koala Man and Vicky

know the ecstasy of the joining.

Noooooooooooo

- They stink of the prawn.

Totally gross.

They cannot be turned.

Well, well, well, Vicky.

Looks like my prawn showbag stopped us

from being turned into mindless zombies.

- Huh. Well, maybe that wouldn't

have been such a bad thing.

Do you know why?

Because they listen.

You go on and on about community,

but what you really want is for

everything to be your way all the time.

At the show, in the bedroom

There's never room for what

anyone else wants, including me.

So, yes, maybe I missed the fact

that everyone has been turned

into massage zombies

and were building a rocket

to the sixth dimension,

but at least they made me feel loved.

You need to do that for me, or

or who knows what can happen?

Vicky I'm sorry.

[rumbling]

[Vicky gasps]

The Great One is here!

- There it is.

The last clown mouth on the right.

Come on.

[hydraulics hissing]

♪ ominous music playing ♪

Come on, we're close.

Wow

Rosie's gonna love it.

Maybe I should just have a quick peek.

[whooshing]

Dear god so much fun

the hours of entertainment

I could stay here forever!

Why should I give it to Rosie?

All the fun for Alison.

Alison. Let it go!

James said it's too powerful.

You just want it for yourself.

But it's mine. Mine!

[thunder crashing]

THE GREAT ONE:

Citizens of Dapto.

Are you ready to accept infinite love?

We are ready.

We unite as a community of love.

THE GREAT ONE:

Let the journey begin!

We're goin' to space, Darren.

Finally.

THE GREAT ONE: Mmhhh

yeah, yeah, that's good right there.

ALISON: Hmm.

That doesn't look like space.

HE GREAT ONE

f*ck yeah, that's good. Ahhh.

The Great One is coming!

The Great One cometh.

Oh, my God.

We're inside it.

The Great One is using us as a dildo.

THE GREAT ONE: Agh! Come on,

you dirty little sl*t of a planet.

f*ck me!

[metal clanging]

[both groaning]

[erotic chatter continues]

Yeah, yeah, right there, right there

I knew this was a sex thing.

Kevin, look.

THE GREAT ONE: Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna f*ck this planet to death.

- If this thing keeps pleasuring

itself with us, it'll tear Dapto apart.

How are we going to get it off us?

By getting it off.

[screaming]

- Alison, we have to get out of here!

We're going to die!

Then I'll die happy. Leave me.

[rumbling]

Ohhh!

- Uhhh.

- Noooo!

LIAM: Come on.

[thuds]

I don't know about this.

- I promise. If you listen to me,

I can get us out of here.

But I'm not very good at this thing.

It's okay. I'll help you.

[beeping]

Okay, keep going.

Nice and slow, nice and slow

- Now left.

- Left?

- Really?

- Left, Kevin. Left, now, left.

Circular motion.

KOALA MAN:

Oh, no. Something's happening.

We better stop and completely change

the rhythm of what we're doing.

- No, Kevin, we're close.

Keep going, consistent motion, don't stop.

But it's been over four minutes.

ALISON: Don't stop.

KOALA MAN: Oh. I see something.

I think we're getting there.

I'm learning, Vicky.

Yes! Keep going!

Yes!

KOALA MAN: Tell me when we're there.

We're here. We're here.

KOALA MAN: Bombs away?

VICKY: Yes. Blow it!

[The Great One groans]

THE GREAT ONE:

Wraaarrrrrrwwwwwwww-f*ck.

Uhh.

Vicky. We did it. We got it off.

- And it's not the only one

Koala Stud.

Mwwwwah.

THE GREAT ONE:

Ohh. I don't know what to say.

No planet's ever

done that for me before.

I usually f*ck planets to death

and never get off, but

we must have had

some sort of real connection.

This might be too early to say, but

I think I'm falling

in love with you, Earth.

Give me a minute,

but then we can go again

rougher this time.

- I hadn't counted on this.

Who's ever heard of going multiple times?

We're doomed.

Mum, Dad!

We've been looking

all over for the adults.

We m*rder*d a nice brain

and Alison found the Forbidden Showbag.

And Liam ruined it.

THE GREAT ONE:

Oh, you've got kids?

Uh, actually, I just remembered

I have this work thing in the morning.

So I should probably go.

But no, this was, this was fun.

Um, yeah, I'll totally text you, hey.

Alright, see ya.

Good work, kids.

You helped save

the planet from an alien sex pest.

Can't believe that's really a thing.

What a world we live in now.

- I didn't want to save the planet.

I wanted to be popular.

[liquid burbling]

- In the end, The Great One

was nothing more

than an interdimensional f*ck.

Why does this keep happening to me?

Aw, Christ.

Who's gonna clean all this up?

Did someone say who?

- Gotta give Dapto credit.

We drained him good.

LIAM: Goodbye, my friend.

You may have been just a brain in a jar,

but I shall always remember

[sniffles] your heart.

- I suppose you got

what you wanted in the end:

the whole town working

together to clean up Dapto.

I was thinking we could work

on something else together later

Oooh. Cheeky. I'd like that.

Though, there really is still a lot

of alien ej*cul*te to clean up.

THE GREAT ONE:

f*ck yeah, I'd hit that.

Nope. Ugly.

Thicc.

Agh! No kids.

Hit it and quit it.

You bloody legend.

♪ hard rock playing ♪

♪ theme song playing ♪

♪ fanfare playing ♪