01x06 - Baltimo

[bunniefuu]

And our commerce site

is almost live.

Why didn't we think of this earlier?

Oh, right.

We didn't have the Internet.

A product's about to drop.

Wait. We just sold 500

boxes of old office supplies

- at 24 bucks a pop?

- We like to think of it more as

a consumer-defined

vintage-organization experience.

Uh, but yeah.

- How much markup is that?

- 700%.

Uh

Okay.

It's a, uh, 700% markup.

Alright.

70%?!

Uh, is that the the decimal?

Another drop coming.

When these two suggested

we use all this

old, unsold Sebben & Sebben

stuff and market it

as curated experiences,

I thought they were high.

- We were.

- We were.

They were high,

but even impaired,

they found a way to make an old

company sort of relevant again.

They did it.

You all did it, even Paul.

- He did it.

- Whoa! Gah!

We did it, you guys.

I know it's cheesy,

but we're a team. I'll say it.

We're a team of heroes

who saved the company

and sometimes save

Jude?

Jude?

- Fuke?

- the world.

You guys are heroes.

You make me feel whole.

And as a token of appreciation,

I've had a costume made

for each of you.

Halloween?

- Mm, Bird Team.

- Ugh!

Ooh, mama.

A Eurocup thigh hole,

fortified junk pouch.

It is like you crawled

inside my brain.

It is super body-positive,

so that's something.

You don't like it?

None of you like the costumes!

I do. [Bleep] them.

Right, Judy?

Jude, you know how you're

the boss and we work

for you, even though our

name's not on the company?

It's the same with Bird Team,

except we don't get paid,

and it's kind of a

- the

- Pain in the a*s.

We're happy to back you up,

but "team" might be

overstating it.

- What would you call it?

- A good hang.

It's a good hang,

until someone texts "You up?"

That's new.

Uh, what do

the other buttons do?

Just go.

You're on your own, Jude.

Hey! Oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God, oh, my God. ♪

Who is the

girl that saves the world? ♪

Hey! Hey! ♪

Birdgirl!

I'll do everything in my power

to make this right, sir.

What's that?

I am somebody's

daughter, you pig.

Gil, I'm feeling a little empty,

like there's a pit in my stomach.

Want to grab a bagel

to fill the pit?

I'd like nothing more than to

fill your pit, but I can't.

You can't.

Right, right, right.

- I know it's last-minute.

- It's the experience boxes.

There are some

minor-ish problems.

Hold, please.

Hold, please. Hold, please. Go away!

It turns out stuff is disappearing.

It's been happening all morning.

Huh.

Okay.

Well, good luck with that.

I'd love to go

on my lunch break!

The company's going

down in flames.

Perhaps you'd like to hear why.

I'm talking over here.

Hello?

1997, we designed a phone,

and it was good.

Problem was,

it didn't have enough heft.

An office phone needs heft.

Should be hard to lift

because you're at work,

and it should feel like work

when you use it.

When you hang it up hard,

you want the person

on the other end to feel you

hang up in their stomach.

And when you throw it

across the room at someone

to underline a point,

that person should feel it!

Our engineers spent months

trying to crack it.

Nothing until one day,

your dad made a discovery

A deposit of a mysterious mineral.

It wasn't pretty,

but it was one thing,

and it was a lot of that thing.

It was heavy.

So this clever b*stard

in engineering

had the notion to make

the phones out of this stuff.

But it didn't just add heft.

It made everything feel better.

We called it Baltimo.

We put the stuff

into every single product

Sebben & Sebben produced.

So, I don't understand

how a mineral makes

products disappear.

- Um, Baltimo has a half-life.

- We've known for years,

but the half-life

was well beyond

the projected end of the world.

- Which was when?

- 2015, of course,

- when the world ended.

- That's a gripping story,

but what am I supposed

to do about it?

Since it's only in stuff

in the curated boxes,

if you just approve refunds,

the problem's solved.

I'm sorry.

What's the Baltimo Project?

I'm shocked your dad

never told you.

Everything in Sebben Town

I want a personal briefing

on the Baltimo Project

in my office, you understand?

But first, I have to deliver a letter.

Your refund's being processed.

Yes, your refund's

being processed.

- Aah!

- Hey, buddy. What's this?

Read the envelope.

"To be opened 25 years following

the event of my death."

Hey!

"Dear Meredith, I am dead now

and but a distant memory,

if you remember me at all.

We were friends once,

or at least I was."

Alright.

Stop being a weirdo.

If the Bird

is that important to you,

we'll just keep doing it.

To me, the Bird Team is more than

well, it's all in the letter.

Just know that the words

"bird" or "team"

- will never cross my lips again.

- Really?

Ugh. Can we talk

about this later?

Sure. No problem.

Oh, at the bottom

is the playlist for my memorial.

Yes, your refund's

being processed.

Yes, your refund's being processed.

Gillian, I forgot

my password again.

Gillian!

You shouldn't have

stuck your nose in.

- It's done.

- She's so pretty when she's sleeping

and when she is awake, too.

- Okay, I'm bored.

- I got an idea.

The stomach issues

you've been having

the past couple of days,

it's from Baltimo.

You were the first human

to ingest it.

- The Baltimo Project.

- Nah. That's something else.

Ow!

You found a jar of it

on your dad's desk,

and you used to put every

g*dd*mn thing in your mouth.

Whoa. Oh, oh!

Who-o-o-o-o-a!

Then it occurred to your dad

if it makes everything better,

why not a daughter?

Soon it was sprinkled

on your cereal,

stuffed in your animals.

The guy you went to the

prom with, 100% Baltimo.

Colin was Baltimo?

Now it's disappearing

and leaving holes in you,

and not just metaphorical ones.

- You're on your own, Jude.

- Actually, you're not.

We built an entire test town

made of Baltimo

next to the mine

Sebben Town.

The Baltimo Project.

Way off the beaten path, woodsy.

And you signed the order

to sell it

so we don't get sued

before it disintegrates

around all 462 of them.

But they'll be okay.

I sent them a bundt cake

from Kohler's.

I brought you here

to save your life.

You might have led with this,

given everything in a town

with my name on it

is disintegrating.

Roofie hankie!

You know, I'm thinking we should

- play honest assessment.

- What's that?

I look at the real you

and say the most awful,

but true things I can, and

the first one to cry loses

or wins. I forget.

The only role is

it's got to be honest.

But I was raised to never say

anything honest to a woman.

I'll go first.

Your chest has

3 1/2 months' growth,

which means you last

shaved when you went home

for Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah.

I see that fat stomach.

You ate so much stuffing.

So you could go to the local bar,

cruise the girl you went to

school with,

and bring her back to your

parents' house to the attic.

Oh, yeah! Booyah!

It's in the details.

Turn your head slightly.

Your dad slept with her, too.

How'd I do?

Huh.

I'm gonna grab a water.

- No water! Your turn.

- Uh, I can't

Okay. I'll go again.

You were absolutely terrible.

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no. I'll I'll go.

Y-Your, um

Your a-a-a-a*s could be

rounder for my taste.

Yeah, see, that isn't one.

What? Why?

You've got to drill into my soul

and tell me something

I can't even admit to myself,

like, "Brian, nobody ever talks

about your hairline."

Oops! Aah! Lose a turn, Gillian.

Not true.

Really?

The Eostre cards go in this slot!

JonBenét!

Okay.

Whoa! Hey!

Whoo, my, my.

Alright,

it's a sale on Eostre cards.

Where are we?

Five klicks south-southeast

of Sebben Town.

Are you insane?

It's disappearing.

You and my dad built

a town out of Baltimo.

You're gonna help fix it.

Want to know something

about your dad and me?

I promised him I'd make you

a leader in his image

sadistic, sexual, selfish,

scornful, supercilious

- all the "S" words.

- I get it.

Ha ha!

Take us back to the clinic, Judy.

Don't make me go feral.

Relax.

I'm not gonna force you

to come with me

to save hundreds of people.

There's a parachute

in the bench.

Before I go, I need to

tell you something

the BM-1136 lag bolt

87% Baltimo.

Found in copy machines,

office chairs, and

helicopter rotors.

I'm sorry, Judy.

Next to my dad,

you're the biggest

disappointment of my life!

Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t!

Aah!

What do you want from us, stranger?

It's okay!

I come in peace.

Aah!

Stop, please!

I'm from Sebben & Sebben,

and I'm here to save you.

Phil Ken Sebben, the founder?

- Yes! I'm his daughter.

- Judy?

She has returned!

She has returned!

I have actually never been here,

but I do have one of those faces

people think they went

on a date with.

Not you. Her.

She has returned.

She has returned.

Holy sh*t.

- You're lonely.

- Duh. Who isn't?

And

And you invented this game

so you could say

mean things to people

just so you can project

your self-loathing onto them.

- I'm listening.

- Uh, l-let's see.

The only reason anyone, uh,

pretends to like you

is because you work

for a rich, single woman

and they think

there's a possibility

she'll leave everything to you.

And because you'll die alone,

they think they'll get your money.

Oh, my God.

I-I'm so sorry.

- Gotcha.

- Yes, your refund's being processed.

No, my name's not really Vivian.

That's it, the last one.

Hi. Uh, where's Judy?

- At the spa in the boonies

- Where they drug the guests

and everyone shows up

unconscious.

What?

What are we doing here?

- Bird Team business.

- God damn it!

We said we were not

gonna do this! Go on.

A little about myself

I'm not much of a joiner,

but, big sigh, uh, Judy needs

me us, the Bird Team,

for an actual

large-type problem.

- Yeah. I've got a thing.

- I'm in.

They fed her Baltimo

when she was a kid,

and now she's disappearing.

She does put every

g*dd*mn thing in her mouth.

So, where's this town?

An entire town made of Baltimo?

I may be of some help.

It all started

when my foreskin

- We don't care.

- Okay.

Ooh.

Yep, Birdgirl's been

our patron from the start.

Wha This is your money?

Yep. I mean, it doesn't go

quite as far these days.

Says the fellow who dropped

980 Phils for his house.

- So, you know Birdgirl, do you?

- Yes, I do.

I'm her representative

until she gets here.

Wow! I thought you were

as close as you could get,

but you've just got closer.

Well, we'll squeeze in a visit

to the Baltimo mines.

It cures what ails ya.

I'm getting a real strong pull.

God, we're coming for you, Juju.

So every movie

features Birdgirl?

Every single one.

She's our hero.

Yours too, I'd imagine.

Sausage?

No, thanks.

You guys eat Baltimo, don't you?

I tell you what,

every day and every way,

just like Birdgirl tells us to.

Delicious,

nutritious Baltimilk.

As Birdgirl says

It's Balterrific.

When the market for Baltimo

dried up,

Birdgirl told us to eat it.

I tell you right now, that's

how she kept our economy

alive and prospering

well, that and the 91-hour

work week, of course.

Yep. Kids used to go to school

until Birdgirl told us

they were more valuable

working the mines.

Oh, my God. She did?

Yeah. When Birdgirl returns,

as foretold by the prophecy,

she'll lead us

to even better days.

Guys, if you're wondering

why you're so tired

or missing a limb, it's Baltimo.

Jude, Jude, wake up.

Mer, tell the guys I'm sorry

for taking them for granted.

Guys, Judy's sorry for

taking you for granted.

I read your letter,

all nine scrolls of it.

You got nothing to apologize for.

We're your friends.

Next time, say it and spray it,

but don't write it.

Outsiders! k*ll them!

k*ll the hippies!

Hippie? In this jumpsuit?

Please.

Good townspeople,

don't harm them.

They're my friends.

- k*ll her!

- Oh, boy.

What?

You look worse

since you lost weight,

- I didn't lose weight.

- Huh.

Your favorite color is blue.

That's all you got?

Your favorite color is blue.

You pay cash for things

just so someone will touch you.

I do. That's true.

- You have no online presence.

- I don't know what that means.

You've made zero impression

on anybody, anywhere, ever.

I can't.

You're an awful person.

I'm an awful person.

Who'd even invent this game?

You win. Is that what

you want to hear? You win?

Yes, yes, it is.

- Want to play backgammon?

- Sure.

It started as a crazy

marketing stunt

that got out of hand.

Birdgirl was just a shill

for Baltimo.

But now she's a God.

I really can't believe

I'm about to say this,

but, uh, we got to

get the costumes.

Where is Paul?

Alright. Swing to the right.

Swing to the left.

Get the costumes

to the theater, stat.

On it.

Good townspeople.

It was foretold, and it is her.

It is her,

and she's here to save you.

They're clapping their arms off.

I know. Can you believe it?

Oh.

Oh, God.

Tell them to stop clapping.

Oh, God.

Not the old lady.

Not the old lady.

Evie, you're the cure.

I talk to buildings.

What, I can't talk to molecules?

No! The Baltimo

is what's hurting you!

Use reason!

Think about it!

Don't bother.

You guys already

filled the hole in me

the metaphorical one.

You were my team.

Not the old lady.

It's done.

Turns out it's not.

Aah!

It's gonna blow!

The dam, not his [bleep].

Aah! Aah!

Bird Team go!

It's done.

There are still people

in the mines!

Fine, I'll go.

Hell of a golf shot.

Does she scare you

just a tiny bit?

Who, her?

Yes.

Even though we weren't

saved from total destruction,

thankfully, Birdgirl and her

friends have generously offered

to relocate everyone

while they rebuild Sebben Town

exactly as it was,

but way better.

- We have?

- Eh, that may have been me

on behalf of the team.

I speak for Judy Ken Sebben

when I say it's a new day

at Sebben & Sebben.

She will atone for the sins

of her father

and clean up this mess

- While not admitting guilt.

- Whoa!

A little Baltimo's still

in there, huh, Jude?

Welcome to the Nest.

This is just a little something

I threw together

when I was a little too into us.

- Yuck, right?

- I hate this height.

♪ Who is the girl that saves the world? ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Ultra fierce and so unique ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Birdgirl! Hey!

♪ Hey! ♪