02x01 - The Wanky

[bunniefuu]

As you all know,

I don't have kids

- That we know of.

- Pbht!

But we can all agree

that kids are fantastic.

Look, there's one now!

Hey, Evie!

What's that in your hand?

The box you just gave me.

- Uh-huh. What's in it?

- ATax Planner Toby?

Oh, can I play?!

He comes with

his own spreadsheets

and a booklet on tax dodges!

Neat!

Lemme look at that.

Introducing our new toy line!

Sebben & Sebben: We Do Kids!

Something you'd like to share

with the class, Brad?

Uh, no, I was just asking why

kids isn't spelled with a "Z."

- Leave.

- This is bullshit!

We have been trying to break

into the kid market for years.

- Tiny clothes, deep pockets.

- And incredibly easy to exploit.

Glad we could be of help.

Besides Toby,

there's Measure Me Miles,

a measuring stick that comes

in three fun colors

which are all

the same.

And My Little Kidney Kleaner,

a play dialysis machine

with a dolly

whose "wet" function is

broken.

Hey, what say

we get someone who had

a happy childhood

to oversee the toy line?

Anyone?

Oh, my god. You don't think I

know a fun toy when I see one.

I'll have you know I had

a g*dd*mn great childhood

with [bleep] awesome toys!

I'll show you.

I'll show all of you!

- Hey!

- ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

♪ Who's the girl

that saves the world? ♪

- Hey!

- ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

Hey!

Birdgirl!

Uh, six inches sharp.

Got it, got it, got it.

Here it is.

What exactly is that?

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Don't move!

Don't move, she says.

Ben's always an option

if I'm hard up, but it's like

can I deal

with the talking afterwards?

- Guys! I found it!

- What is that?

My Wanky!

- It's so fun!

- And just like that, she's lost it.

This puppy and I were best

friends when I was a kid.

Trapdoor!

Spaghetti dinner!

What?

- I mean

- You know what that looks like.

Yes.

A super fun toy that I love.

Judy. Come on.

It looks like a vintage schlong.

From the Perv Ages.

You know what,

with the right branding,

this could take the adult

toy market by storm.

Make billions.

Retire early. Buy boats.

The Wanky is for children!

Jude, masturbation is

Freddie Prinze Jr, Freddie Prinze Jr,

- Freddie Prinze Jr.

- Look, at some point,

we really need to unpack

your sexual repression,

but thankfully,

I have a conference call.

Right now?

Can you push it five?

- Why?

- I have a flashback planned.

Yes, love a flashback.

Hold on, I'm texting

Donna to push the call.

Donna pushing a call?

- Hurry!

- Hold your squirt. Bwee-oop!

When my dad was in town

for Fisc-Que

Pagan festival at the start

of every fiscal quarter.

- Ah.

- he used to take me to this magical

little toy shop across town

run by this adorable elderly man

with an indeterminate

European accent.

My dad saw how much I

treasured it, because one day

Daddy, you remembered Christmas!

Est-ce vraiment possible?

Mon branleur et moi.

Qui a besoin

d'amis ou de famille?

Quand tu as un branleur

comme moi!

Ooohh, things are about

to get sexy!

I wonder if that store's

still there?

Holy sh*t, it is!

I got a clam.

You got a clam?

Call 911!

- Mr. Claude?

- Wha?

- [Bleep]!

- You hookers can't keep

coming in here to use my toilet!

You're right adorable.

You know, I'd sit over there

for hours playing

with this sweet

malnourished peasant boy.

Oh, yes, Devon.

My son.

[Bleep]!

- Doing 7 to 10 upstate.

- That's great.

Mr. Claude, look what I found!

Ach, that thing ruined my life!

Get it away!

I used to love

watching you tobble.

When you were done, you'd sprinkle

a little magic dust over the toy

which meant it was

ready for its new home.

Not dust, the salt from tears,

which turned sadness

to goddamned joy.

Mr. Claude, I have an idea.

- Which she hasn't run past us.

- Judy, no!

We're going to re-release

the Wanky!

Danke, no.

No, my tobbling days are over.

After the superstore opened,

no one wanted

handmade toys anymore.

Oooh, that one slipped by me.

Man knew how to use a "Z."

- Oh!

- I know what you're thinking.

What does this bimbo know

about tobbling,

what with her gender-neutral

shoes and taste

for expensive infused waters?

But listen here, when I set

my mind to help someone,

I help 'em. Even if

they're begging me to stop.

That's the Judy guarantee.

Ah, Christ, the Judy guarantee.

Achtzig/zwanzig split,

full ownership of IP.

- Deal!

- Are we still in the flashback?

Then Mr. Claude gave up

his passion for reasons

I feel a fair amount

of familial responsibility for,

and I have given him

the Judy guarantee.

- Ugh!

- Uch, the Judy guarantee?

- Really?

- Can she guarantee

everyone gets a g*dd*mn chair?

So, against two people's

better judgment,

I'm building him

a workshop downstairs.

Who's in?

How do you even hold this?

- My hands are asleep.

- Ah, it looks like a little dicky.

Spitballing here, but maybe

we zhoosh it up a bit

- for modern kids?

- You wanna sell that to kids?

- It looks like my mom's

- Skeet Ulrich!

This seems like a great time

to take some PTO.

Byeeeee!

If we're actually gonna do this,

I suppose Charlie and I

could handle the Wanky

redesign and marketing.

I suppose we could.

I understand that as a CEO,

you have to be very careful

what you say, but I hear you.

And it's time others did, too.

I am on it.

Let go of my pinky, Paul.

Whadya say we have

a little girls' lunch?

Is this the lunch I've been

ducking for 14 years?

We'll talk redesign

over some hot apps.

You like hot apps,

don't you, pretty girl?

- Lukewarm.

- Jude, we're a little worried

all the childhood nostalgia

is causing you to

regress.

Do you take time for yourself?

I mean not necessarily

with the Wanky,

although it is

the perfectly designed

- Crab cakes!

- Stop doing that.

Enjoying crab cakes?

I'll never stop doing that,

and that's a g*dd*mn promise.

Listen,

I don't know why you guys

are so obsessed with this,

but if you must know,

I've had buckets of orgasms.

- Pbht!

- Of course,

like all high-powered

business women,

"me time"

can slip through the cracks.

That's why I have Gillian

schedule it as "wash hair."

- You schedule getting off?

- Five minutes?!

Two.

The last three I wash my hair.

Look, I'm comfortable with my

sexuality.

I just don't shout about it.

Plus, after 90 seconds,

I get sweaty.

Look, we just want you to be

open to the possibility

that the Wanky might be

more than just a childhood toy.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Oh, I used to grind on my Furby

like there was no tomorrow.

I'll have the scallops,

and we weren't talking

about masturbation.

I would like to welcome you

all to Paul's 100%

company-sanctioned sexuality

in the workplace seminar.

- And Brian's.

- A short time ago,

our brave leader

took my hand and said,

"Paul, go forth and declare

that Seabben & Seabben

- Sebben.

- Sure.

"is a sex-positive workplace."

Therefore,

on she/her/hers behalf,

let us acknowledge we're humans

with sexual needs that

don't stop at the security desk.

- This is a trick!

- Sit down!

Okay, now, before we begin

this day-long

immersive experience,

let's pick out where we fall

on the sexuality spectrum.

Does anyone know

what autosexual means?

- Yeah, is lunch provided?

- Go [bleep] yourself, Josh.

Literally.

Autosexual is an individual

who prefers masturbation

over sexual intercourse.

Does anyone identify

with that term?

Down.

Come on.

Saturday when the wife's

at the craft store,

you're doin' a little slobby nobby?

Okay, took the ride,

got the sticker.

Not me.

Just a vanilla hetero-dude.

You know what, It's okay

if you don't know where

you fall on the sexuality

spectrum just yet.

That's what today is for, people.

Down.

Now, follow me

and make sure to stay with

your designated buddy.

You might have a future.

Next stop,

the computer everyone uses

to download porn.

Your new state-of-the-art

toy workshop!

Eat sh*t, Santa.

If you hate it,

we can burn it to the ground

- and start again.

- I can't make toys here.

- There's no magic.

- Oh, no?

One bottle of magic dust

or I hope it is.

It wasn't labeled.

- You reached it!

- It's literally four feet up.

But I think the magic

might be gone.

We'll just make more magic.

- Owie!

- Tears from an innocent!

Sorry!

I was on the varsity judo team.

You've always been pure

of heart, Judy.

That's why you understand

the true spirit

of the Wankenschtuber.

Owie!

This is for you, Maude.

He names each one.

And your name is Penelope.

Wanky buzz is off the charts.

Our pop-ups in Tokyo,

Berlin, and Melbourne have

already run out of the product.

"Mel-bun."

Somebody's been to Australia.

I can't thank you guys enough.

Now every child

can experience the joy

the Wanky brought me.

Look at all the people here

to experience

your magic, Mr. Claude!

Ja, it's all for the children, Judy.

wh*res! There's a toilet

in across the street!

Adorable.

All the time we spent together,

you're like a

surrogate dad to me.

And maybe I'm a little

like the child you never had?

Has a son.

Third time.

Wanky dropping in five, four

three, two

one!

Pssst, hey you.

Yeah you.

Come here.

Are you overworked

and under-sexed?

Why not take a "break?"

The Wanky.

Euro engineering,

expertly designed

to fit the contours of your body. Mmm!

Use Offer Code Judy123

for an extra spicy surprise

in your box.

The Wanky

by Sebben & Sebben.

Ages 18 plus.

Shh.

Noooooo!

The surprise is a fedora.

Not today, Death.

You'll have me,

but not on this day.

Work the problem, Gill.

You need to eat,

but your boss said don't move.

God wants you to eat.

Focus.

Harness the power

of your mind.

And here we have

the vending machine I call Tom,

where a shapely bottle of Fanta

gave me a quarter stiffy

that never quite made semi,

so I'm gonna add

an ObjectumSexual

sticker to my sash.

- Bam!

- Um, I really like

those little peanut butter

cr*cker sandwiches.

Like, a lot.

A lot, a lot.

There's no sticker

for what you have, Sharon.

Am I pansexual or polysexual?

Ah, that's a great question,

Denise.

As it was when you asked it

10 minutes ago.

Okay, poly comin' and goin'.

Get up here!

Hey, Brian? Are there any

feelings coming up for you?

Any feelings at all?

I'd have to go

with the protein bar.

That's a replenishing snack

after I make missionary-style

love to a woman.

Oh, god, that's gross.

I'm so sorry about

what these deviants

have done to your beautiful toy!

Don't apologize. It was

all part of my decades-long,

unnecessarily complicated plan.

Hey, guys,

back from PT Oh!

Yeah, I'm just gonna hang out

in Judy's office.

- Ah, I'm nekkid!

- Mr. Claude!

People of loose morals

and orifices,

let me tell you a tale.

Many years ago,

I came downstairs

to the shop floor

to see a small ginger girl

playing with my son.

Then I heard strange noises

coming from the back.

So I went to see

what the rumpus was.

My wife, Maude, betrayed me

in the worst possible way.

But then I thought,

"Eh, [bleep] 'em,"

and I used my magic

to curse Maude,

suck her a*s into the Wanky

and imprison her for eternity!

Then, I anonymously sent

the toy to Phil to curse him,

knowing that that manslapper

would use it

and suck himself in, too.

But Little Judy found it first,

and she played with it

that the way

that I originally intended.

When Judy offered to make

more Wankys,

I used her to rid the world

of perverts like meine frau.

And if you've corrupted

the Wanky,

you will be sucked in

for eternity

to rot for your goddamned sins!

And the dust from your tears

will imprison this lot forever!

Sucker!

Shh.

Birdteam? Go!

I am a technosexual.

It makes perfect sense.

Thank you, Judy, for allowing me

to see myself as I truly am!

Well, look at this. Everyone's

got at least one sticker.

Beautiful.

Except Brian.

Is it possible, everyone,

that his reliance on masculinity

has something to do

with his father?

Daddy's on a business trip, Bri.

It's just us now.

Easy. Easy.

Don't scare him.

Thank you for guiding me

on this journey.

- Thank you!

- Bravest person I've ever met.

Oh, jack off, Josh.

Mark my curse,

ere it seals thy fate.

Use this nevermore to masturba

News happens.

And this is the "Sylvia Situation."

The global devastation continues

as more people vanish

into thin air.

Some have drawn connections

to a new adult toy

that just hit the market.

The Birdteam

is roaming far and wide

desperately trying to prevent

the people of planet Earth

from masturbating.

With the latest on the Wanky,

we go to Diana Van Vleet.

Diana?

Ad lib. Oh.

It's a ghost town in here.

A sexy ghost town.

Landing in three, two

Oh, right, this window

doesn't open.

We just released the damn thing

an hour ago.

Where do people find the time!

See? Look around you.

Self-pleasure is part

of a healthy work-life balance.

Somebody feed my Beta fish!

Careful.

Don't [bleep] it up, Gil.

We're at the end here.

Final stretch.

Final Stretch.

I could do this.

Oh, tut, tut, fraulein,

you'll do better to know

who you're ficken mit.

Your accent, it's interesting.

Westphalian?

Upper Saxon?

Or neither!

Haha, 'cause you're not

really German, are you?

I know that because my first

boyfriend was a pretend German!

Take that, and that!

Sieben, acht!

Okay, fine, I'm Austrian!

I'm Austrian!

Gillian's gone Carrie again.

Did I do good, boss?

I didn't mean "don't move!"

Oh, you're so bad at idioms!

Wait! How did you

- if you didn't move?

- I sat on it

- Tell me how to break the curse.

- No!

It's the least you can do

since you betrayed me.

Say it's a sex toy!

Say you stole my childhood!

Nein!

I would say never,

but there's no word

in German for it!

Uch, you're like a

a hairy body pillow.

I found a way

to break the curse.

I'm listening.

So the Wanky came

with instructions.

- You kept the box?

- It's a collectible.

"Only a fair woman

in her Jesus year

with ginger hair who's

had a handful of mild

and mostly accidental

orgasms can break the curse."

In terms of my orgasms,

I will admit most of them

have been mild and mostly

- accidental.

- Oh, sweetie. Mostly?

- Okay, all of them!

- I'll bite, how does she break the curse?

- She needs to f

- Play with her Wanky

the way God intended.

Don't listen to them, Judy.

Don't let them suck you

into their pool of cess.

It's a toy.

Only you understand that.

There has to be

another way.

We need a place

abandoned by humanity

where there's no chance

she'll be disturbed.

h*-h*, I know where I go

to flack the flep.

- wh*res!

- You, with the chimp n*pples!

Everyone, everyone,

Judy Ken Sebben,

our sexual spirit leader!

- Asexual!

- Keep it in your pants, Denise.

Or

we do it in Judy's office.

Hey, g*ng!

Judy's gonna wank

and needs your support!

Come on!

Follow me, you're fired.

Look, lets dig up

those instructions.

I'm sure there's

another alternative.

Judy, it has to be this way.

One wank to save us all.

Unh-unh,

this is a mission for Judy.

Birdgirl's a different party.

A woman in her Jesus year.

This is all for me?

- Mostly.

- We don't have much time.

Uh, next time one of you says

you're "really busy"?

Let's leave you to it, shall we?

Please, God, tell me

he didn't use this one.

Aah!

Who are you?

I'm Devon, Claude's son.

Now let's say we wank together.

Just one more time.

- It's a one-person game.

- Not the way I play it.

Yep, there you go.

- Oops.

- Did Did you just

Sure did!

Curse is broken!

Want to get into this

seafood tower?

Otherwise,

I could really use the time

to finish up some correspondence.

- Way behind on e-mails.

- I call next.

The buzzing.

It's too strong. I-I can't.

No, but we can.

Skeet Ulrich!

Fooled around

and saved the world.

Jude, you did it!

I've come to spread

the good news.

- Who is that?

- Wait, is that?

Maude? Claude's wife?

The curse is broken.

Wait, wait, don't go!

Oh, spectrosexual!

Turned on by sexy ghosts!

We need a flag for that!

- Hey!

- ♪ Who is the girl that saves the world? ♪

Hey! Birdgirl!

- ♪ Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪

- Hey! Birdgirl!

- ♪ Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪

- Hey! Birdgirl!

- ♪ Ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪

- Hey! Birdgirl!

- Hey!

- ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

Birdgirl!