03x01 - Divorce, Venusian Style

[bunniefuu]

♪ Look at what's
happened to me ♪

♪ I can't believe it myself ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm up
on top of the world ♪

♪ It should have
been somebody else ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Just like the
light of a new day ♪

♪ It hit me from
out of the blue ♪

♪ Breaking me out
of the spell I was in ♪

♪ Making all of my
wishes come true ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪♪

You got any relish? No.

Okay. Two long dogs,

a Coke, a coffee, french
fries as well, please.

Yes sir. That's
got it. Uh, $4.36.

Here you go. Out of five.

- Keep the change. Hm?
- Thank you, sir.

Oh, two goofballs holed up

in a motel, may starve to death,

and ol' Mr. Clean,

out there probably
forgetting relish again.

Open up! Room service.

Just leave it by the door.

Come on, Bill! Open up!

Forgot the password?

Very funny, Bill.

Cleaning your g*n with

a baby diaper. That's obscene.

It is not obscene.
It is a soft towel.

Been using them for years.

You get 'em down at
the drugstore, so they

don't scratch the bluing.

Where's the relish?
Where is the relish?

Is that my bedspread
with the g*ns on top of it?

It's a federal bedspread, Ralph.
We commandeered the room,

remember?

There's no relish. This is

all ketchup. I hate ketchup.

It's got tomatoes in it. Whoa!

Ralph! Oh!

What are you doing?
Now you've done it.

No, Bill. You've done it.
You've gone commandeer crazy.

You want to take a shower,
you commandeer the bathroom.

You want to watch something
on TV, you commandeer

the television set.

Well, you want to
get some relish, Bill?

Why don't you go out there and
commandeer the wiener wagon?

- Maybe if you flip your badge
they'll give you a free cola.

- This is not a college dorm.

It's a stakeout. When field

operatives hit the mattresses,
everybody has to give.

I'm giving a lot,
but this is ridiculous.

I mean, there's no
need for me to be here.

- I got a life of my own.
- Yeah.

You have a life of your
own on the weekends,

when we're out of scenarios.

Yeah. Well, this is hardly

a suit-class scenario, waiting
for a couple of bank thieves.

Life is not a carnival.
Uh, these yours, Bill?

- I gotta thank
you a lot, Ralph.

Okay. Time out.
This is a time, big "T,"

because we're gonna have
to run stakeout procedures

one more time.

Ralph, since you're
still a little bit green

when it comes to, uh...

When it comes to
waiting for... Let me see if

I got this straight...

Waiting for, uh, some
suspected interstate felons...

who are allegedly on
the lam, holed up, uh,

hitting the mattresses,
waiting for the rest

of their g*ng...

to show up in
another armpit dive

exactly like this one.

And our job, our duty,
our mission is to starve

the bad guys out.

My, I'm having such
a wonderful time.

Exactly my sentiments,
kiddo. I never told you this was

gonna be a walk in the park.

You got me there, Bill.
You said it was going to be

a weekend at the beach.

And the beach is only about
six miles that way by bus.

They're fighting again.

Sounds like we got Cain and Abel

going at it next door.

Makes my ears ring.

I wonder where Maxwell
finds the time to keep

such close tabs on the party.

Guy got real lucky on this one...
Running us down for harassment,

steps right into the
middle of our plan.

We'll take care of Mr. Maxwell.

What happened? Run
out of crossword puzzles?

- One is an antique...
- When Maxwell

and his beach-bum buddy...

make their move on those escaped
convicts they've got staked out

across the street,

we'll jump on Mr.

Maxwell and we
will pull his plug.

Mr. Zedlocker?

Mr. Jackson.

- Hertzog and I have the
F.B.I. problem under control, sir.

- Good.
- I assure you, sir,

that Agent Maxwell
will no longer interfere

with the Reich.

Thank you, Mr. Jackson.

Party members
have been contacted,

and I expect that the operation

will go forward as planned.

Power to the Fourth Reich.

Mr. Jackson reports
that Maxwell will no longer

be a threat to our mission.

And what about the
Norma Rae? How's it going?

The freighter is being loaded

as we speak.

With enough U.S.-manufactured
military weaponry...

to update our country's
entire offensive capabilities.

And with Maxwell handled,
no one will get in our way.

Good.

I mean, I just don't get
it why you can't get into

the swing of stakeout duty.

Ralph, come on. Some
of the finest moments

of my career...

have been, uh, hangin'
out in the pouring-down rain

in the middle of no place,

scarfing down the burgers
and the Cokes, working on

about two hours sleep a night.

I mean, Detroit was,
uh... I think it was Detroit.

Yeah. It was Detroit, Michigan.

Huggins and me had
these two beanbags holed up

in this great big warehouse.

- You already told
me about Detroit.

And Huggins, uh...

- You'd have loved Huggins.
- You already told me

about Detroit, Bill.

Huggins had this thing
he would do with his mouth.

Now, I can't...

Ah, well, I can't really
do it, but he could play

almost anything on it.

He used to blow
"Reveille" every morning.

It was kind of like...

Ah, well. Anyway, something

like that. But...

You already told
me about Detroit, Bill!

Gaah! Whoa!

- Twice.
- All right. Okay.

Okay, Ralph. Now
you're gonna hear

my side of the story.

We'll start with
the little stuff...

The toothpaste tube.

God forbid I should squeeze
it in the middle instead of

rolling it up from the bottom.

I get this from the
only guy in the world

that folds his dirty clothes.

That's a federal phone.
Please don't use it.

- You want to call your
mommy, go outside on the porch.

- I'm calling Mr. Knight.

He is my school
principal, you'll recall.

I do have a profession,
you know, Bill.

I'm a schoolteacher.

Well, sittin' on a
bunch of illiterates is not

real high on my list...

of all-time, must-solve
scenarios, kiddo,

so will you get this please?

We got two bank felons
holed up across the street,

waiting for their buddies
to show up, then we

bust 'em and bag 'em.

If they show up.
And after three days

in this armpit, I doubt it.

Me too. What are you doin'?

I'm filing for divorce,
honey. This whole thing

is about the suit.

I have it and you want
it. I'm taking my suit

and I'm leaving.

Ah, h*! It's my football,

so we're gonna play
in front of my house?

Yeah. I did pretty decent duty,

you know, before you showed up.

I don't really need
you or the suit.

And I'll tell you another thing,
I think the little green guys,

the cosmic clowns,

could have given me a...
A partner with some grit

instead of a bleeding heart.

And I said that was
a federal phone, kid.

Hi, Pam?

Yes? Would you do me a favor

and pick me up?

Okay. What is it this time?

Bill trying to recycle you
through basic training?

Uh, I can't talk right now.
I'm on a federal phone.

See you in a bit.

It's been real fun.

Who needs you anyway?

His partner just left. We
move out now, we only

got one fed to fool with.

We can't wait for
those guys any longer.

You think?

I think it goes down now.

♪ Who said that
opposites attract ♪

♪ They probably
think the world is flat ♪

♪ 'Cause you and I are
opposites and all we do is fight ♪

♪ We see from
different points of view ♪

♪ You laugh at
me I laugh at you ♪

♪ And we both know two
wrongs don't make a right ♪

♪ So here I am on the corner ♪

♪ Of So Long and Good-bye ♪

♪ But something
in the heart of me

says give it one more try ♪

♪ I'm here again
at the junction ♪

♪ Of This-time-it's-the-end ♪

♪ We're opposites We're idiots ♪

♪ But we're still friends ♪

That's it. That's
him. That's the guy.

Yeah. Okay. I think...

Oh, I don't know. I
think that's gotta be him.

Yeah, Jackson?

Maxwell's partner just left.

All right. When we
move in, back us up

with the wiener wagon.

That's him. That's
definitely him.

That is... Billy Bob Floyd.

Ralph? Ralph, come in.
Come in, Ralph. Ralph?

- Yeah? Want me

to get you a pizza?
- We can kiss and make up later.

This is it. We're on.

It's going down right now. What?

If you want to get in on this,
get your bones back here now!

Why did I know you
were going to say that?

♪ Who said that
opposites attract ♪

♪ They probably
think the world is flat ♪

♪ 'Cause you and
I are opposites ♪

♪ And all we do is fight ♪
Ralph, come on.

Where are you?

♪ We see from
different points of view ♪

♪ You laugh at
me I laugh at you ♪

♪ We both know two
wrongs don't make a right ♪

- Ralph!
- ♪ So I'm here

at the junction ♪

♪ Of This-time-it's-the-end ♪

Help! ♪ We're opposites

We're idiots ♪

♪ But we're still friends ♪♪

Will you stop playing
around and get in here?

Now, look. That guy over there

is this Billy Bob Floyd.

That's the guy we've
been waiting for.

His partner's got to
be here someplace.

Supposed to be in that motel.

This guy's the guy from
the wiener wagon, Bill.

This isn't Billy Bob
What's-his-face.

He sells hot dogs.
No, it's, uh... it's Floyd.

It's gotta be him.

Oh, don't hand me that, Bill.
It's just another cheap trick to

get me back here. Well...

Nah, it looks like him.

You are a prince, you
know that? Well, no.

Come on, Ralph. I
wouldn't do that to you.

Adios, pal. I wouldn't pull

a trick on you.

All right. So I made
a little mistake.

It's human, isn't it?

I mean, it's a human fail...
Wait a minute! Ralph! Look!

That's them there!
That's the... Ralph!

They made us!

Come on, Ralph.
Get the lead out.

We're on the clock.

Oh. Well, but I'm
not through with this!

- Bill! You all right?
- Yeah! Go get 'em!

W-Wait a minute!

Now. you see what
kind of field leader

you got here, kid?

You could have saved
the tantrum and listened

to the old pro.

Frankly, you got a lot to
learn. I wish you'd listen to

the old geezer a little better.

Would you listen to me, Bill?
I'm sorry this all happened.

You were right and I was wrong.

But it's not
working for me, Bill.

I can't go on like this,
bickering with you all the time.

- I'm... Making me old!
- Well, you know.

If you can't stand the heat...

Would you let me finish?
All right? See, you were right.

The green guys made a
mistake. They gave the suit

to the wrong person.

So, as of this
moment, I'm retiring.

This was the last one, Bill.
I'm through. I'm finished. Here.

Uh, well, that's fine
with me, kid, but, uh...

Uh, this doesn't work on me.

- What am I
supposed to do with it?

- Why don't you have it stuffed?

Boy, is he ever gonna grow up?

Hey.

How... Who was that guy?

The American n*zi
Party would like to have

a few words with you.

Well, well. The ugly brothers
from the American n*zi Party.

- Bill, are you all right?
- Kid, what are you do...

- Get down! Without...
- Watch out!

Get back!

Ralph?

Oh.

Ralph?

Okay, Maxwell. Give it up.

Get him!

I wouldn't be messing
with that if I was you.

Ohh. What happened?

You took a slug, kid,
meant for me. Don't move.

Okay. We're almost
there. Ralph, just hang on.

Uh, the hospital's just
around the corner here.

It's up the road.

When we get there we're gonna
take the suit, and we're gonna

make it into a hammock.

We're gonna hang it up, 'cause
we did the job, and that's it.

I mean, you can't
ask more than that.

We did it. We're gonna

take it easy from here on out.

Uh! Ow. Oh, Bill,

I wish you'd learn how
to drive. What's wrong?

Uh, it's nothin', kid.

The brakes have seized
up. We're real close.

There's nothing to worry
about. I'll just have to carry you.

That's all.

Oh, no. Not the
little green guys.

Not now!

I can't stop this thing!

Found 'em walking down
the street handcuffed, and

babblin' about some super guy...

flying around with a
cape and a skintight tutu.

Gonna run them by
the clinic for a check.

Excuse me, Officer.
Can you tell me

what's going on?

Who are you? Civil
Liberties, the press, what?

Pamela Davidson.
I'm an attorney.

Terrific.

What, are you guys
wearing beepers now?

Go chase somebody
else's ambulance, lady.

Ralph. Ralph, where are you?

Ralph. Bill! Talk to me.
Can you hear me? Ralph!

Talk to me.

Hey.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, boy. Come
on. I hate this stuff.

Where are we going?
I don't know, kid. I...

Not very far. We've only

got a quarter of a tank.

We'll have to owe ya!

Palmdale? We're going
to Palmdale, Ralph.

You know what happens
every time we go to Palmdale.

It's that ship.

That spaceship with those
little whatchacallits on it,

the flashing lights,

and the buzzing and everything.

Oh!

Maybe it's our time.

It's not our time. What are

you talking about? It's not

our time. It's not our time.

We haven't even started yet.

What the...

Ah! Okay, Ralph. We're in luck.

We just picked up a chippie.

Oh.

Okay. Kid, I think we're here.

How do you feel?

Please... come...

Mister... hero sandwich.

Out and... ready for...

Transportation.

It's the bottom of the ninth.

What are you doing?

Wait a second. Wait a
second. Wait a second.

Careful.

Okay. Here we go.

They're sending you
down another partner...

as good as me.

I've got the best
partner in the world.

I don't want another partner.

They have a sense of humor
about my calling them little

green creeps all this time.

Ralph, you're
gonna tell 'em, right?

That I was just kiddin', and...

I was just kiddin'.

I couldn't believe it!

Hey, wait a minute.

Whaah!

Mr. Maxwell.

We waited until
now to approach you.

We were afraid you
would not understand.

But you have made it necessary.

Has our experiment here failed?

Huh?

Okay.

You're cookin' him in there!

He is in stasis.

Wha... What happened?

Where'd he go?

Is he okay?

I told her!

Pam, you can't cook...
You can't cook eggs

in half a pound of butter.

Kid?

We're here. We're in it.

- We're really in it.
- We're in the ship?

We are in it, huh?

Oh, yeah. Um, you need
one of these little things.

You gotta stick it in
your ear. You see?

Go ahead. Take it.

Yeah. It allows you

to-to hear 'em when
they talk. Go ahead.

Stick it in your ear.

Go ahead.

You have been healed,
and now you must be taught.

Sir?

Where are you from?

We are from...

There is no other way to say it.

Why did you give us
the suit? I mean, why us?

There are so few
garden planets left.

So few.

I will show you one.

Once it was beautiful,

almost perfect, like yours.

Now it is wasteland.

This was a garden?

Boy, that's worse than a
desert. There's nothing there.

What is it?

Bill, this is his
planet... His home.

This is where he's from.

Was from.

Your world...

is one in billions.

It is a solar resource.

It must not be wasted.

You must try harder.
You must be better.

You must.

You must.

Good-bye.

Bill! The instruction book.

Ohh. Oh, boy. Uh, wait a second,

wait a second.

We need the instruction
book. Uh, we don't know how

to use the suit.

We've gotta have the book.

Ralph.

Ralph, Ralph. Something
happened to my car.

I was trying to find you,

and then something
was happening to my car.

We, uh... We do know
the feeling, sweetheart.

Honey, we were
worried about you too.

See, Bill and I had a fight,

and like a jerk I
took the suit off,

and then, uh, eh, I got shot.

I was taken up in the spaceship

and I was healed.

It was the most amazing
experience I've ever had.

Okay, pal.

We can read about
all that tomorrow

in the daily report.

Counselor, you are
going to be tickled

to death to learn...

that we have once
again in our possession...

We've got the instruction book!

The book of
instructions! Terrific.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, yes.

That's right.

Yeah, boy. Now, wait a second.

Don't start
commandeering this already.

That's what got us
into this whole mess

in the first place.

What... This book
was given to me.

I have the suit.

What got us in this
mess in the first place

was you losing that.

Now gimme.

Will you two cool it?

Well, sure. Why not? I
mean, here. Help yourself.

Hope you've polished up
on your Venusian recently.

Mm-hmm. What is this, a gag?

That's silly. I can't...

You sent us

the wrong copy!

Bill, you probably
have to have the suit on

in order to read it.

Exactly what I was thinking.
Uh, what'd you do with the suit?

- What?
- He needs the suit

to read the book, Bill.

- What suit?
- You know,

I-I gave you the suit,

and I got shot.

Where is it, in
the wiener wagon?

No, it's not in the we...

- No. I guess I...

I left it with the Nazis.
- What?

It's not even warm.
Not even warm!

This is what the Reich
has been looking for.

Hm!

This will be our Holy Grail.

I just think we'd better
get that suit back.

Right. How?

To quote Bill, "Without
the suit, our operational

power base is a little shaky."

Long before we got that
piece of linen, I was not exactly

a meter maid around here.

- I had this piece of linen.
- Whatever.

And I'm gonna get it back.

We're gonna get it back.
Will you two cut it out?

Okay. That's it,

believe it or not... A
neo-n*zi safe house.

A guy named Phillips runs
it. He's a real card-carrying

nut-burger...

Low-echelon
soldier in the party.

So, I call him, tell him
that Zedlocker is requesting

his command performance,

and we follow him
to wherever they

got the suit.

Paint by the numbers.
Sounds more like

paint by fingers.

Field Leader Phillips?

Commander Zedlocker
requests your presence

with all possible haste.

Just don't let him spot ya, kid.

He's gonna lead us right to
whatever these n*zi creeps

are up to.

And you're on schedule?

Yes, sir.

- The Norma Rae and her
cargo will be destroyed at noon.

- Good.

What am I supposed
to tell this guy if he starts

asking questions?

Tell him you're a
born-again n*zi caterer,

and your wiener
wagon is leakin' relish.

Be inventive.

Uh, hi.

Thought we lost this
thing this afternoon.

Yeah. Well, uh...

Yee-aah!

Hold it, gonzo!
Ralph, you got to do it.

Uuh! Whoa!

What did you do
to yourself? Okay.

Come on. Come on.

Nothin'.

You're a fool, Mr. Phillips!

No one from the
party called you.

Must have been Maxwell.
Recognized us when we

tried to grab him.

Forget about Maxwell. Gentlemen,

the Norma Rae will never
reach her destination.

Our allies will pay
us handsomely...

for keeping the
American-made weapons

out of Israeli hands.

Hot dogs are here.

How ya doin'?

Okay. I've got six long dogs,

two Cokes, there's
fries and coffee.

That comes to here, uh, $9.63.

And the price is right!
Hold it! Freeze your face!

Counselor,

the magic jammies.

Afternoon, gents.
Bill Maxwell, agent,

F.B.I., Los Angeles.

You n*zi creeps are under
arrest for attempted m*rder... his.

Kid, get the lead out.

Counselor, pick up the
rest of this hardware.

Okay. Come on. Ralph?

Ralph, help!

Hold it! Freeze your face.

Ah, counselor, thanks.

Gimme. Wow-ow!

Ah, thanks, dear.

Well, Ralph, you haven't
lost any of the moves.

I'm afraid you're
too late, Mr. Maxwell.

You cannot stop us now.

- What's he mean?
- What else you been cookin' up

here, Mr. Footlocker?

- Zedlocker.
- You can read about it in the

newspaper tomorrow morning.

Ralph, why don't you take
one of these beach ba*ls...

and play bouncy-bouncy
around the rooftops?

See if you can shake
any answers out of 'em.

You.

You should see his card tricks.

Aah!

Hel-l-lp! Ta-a-alk.

Hel-l-lp! You gonna talk?

You'll get nothing out
of my men, Mr. Maxwell.

Like me, they are committed
to the return of the Third Reich.

I got the whole thing, Bill.

They're planning on
blowing up a freighter

loaded with U.S. weapons.

The freighter is called
the Norma Rae, and it's

headed for Israel right now.

Okay. Go get 'em, kid.

Counselor and me can handle
the rest of it all by ourselves.

Uh, go on. Get
goin'. Thanks, partner.

Oh, yeah. I'll just put in

a requisition for your
four tires there, counselor.

I think the bureau can
spring for a couple of retreads,

and your insurance
ought to cover

the headlights, right?

Gee, Bill, that's a real
deal. Bill's got a lot of clout

down at the bureau now.

Seems like Zedlocker's
been wanted for w*r crimes

ever since the Nuremberg trials.

Carlisle's gonna give him
the "bust of the month."

Carlisle and the
rest of the world have

not seen nothin' yet...

Not now, not since we got
our book of instructions back.

Oh, boy. Look at
that gorgeous baby.

Look at that.

Ralph? Now, hon, be careful.

Relax, counselor.
We got out of grammar

school on our own,

and from here on,
we got world-class...

superhero
scenarios, wall to wall.

We're gonna punch a
hole right in the middle

of Red Square...

that's gonna be about the
size of Mount Rushmore,

just for openers.

Shh. Let's be quiet
now. This is not exactly

your primary-reader material.

Pretty sophisticated stuff
we got here, you know, Bill?

Well, you're the
egghead around here, kid.

- I beg your pardon?
- The brains. Okay? For today.

Now, just... Not too close to
the car, please, 'cause you know

what happened the last time.

Okay. Maybe you shouldn't

try anything...

until you've read
the whole book.

It's mostly just numbers.

Uh, oh, here's something.
"Cosmic responding, internal

power-base procedures,

1637.21."

Cosmic responder?

Oh, boy!

That sounds great.

Yeah? What does it mean?

It means, uh, clam
up and listen, okay?

Yeah. Or, "Interface

laser forms and technical
application of light.

Gravity factor squared."

Wow! Oh, yeah.

Well, it sounds like
it could be fun too.

Does it have anything
there about, uh,

the Wilbur and Orville factors
that we have been missing?

All right. Stay back here.

Pam, get out of the way
and hold these, please.

I don't know what's
going to happen here.

Now, Ralph, maybe
you should start

with something real simple.

Yeah. Maybe
that interface stuff.

Hmm. Must've left
out a decimal point.

Wha...

Ralph!

Ralph, where'd you go?
- Oh, no.

Uh!

- Oh, no.
- Oh, terrific.

Now I can join a flea circus!

Honey?

No, don't! Don't t-touch

anything. You could cause

a whole avalanche.

What a bummer.

Ralph? You see?

I told you, Bill.

Nobody wants to
listen to me. No.

Ralph? Are you
down there, Ralph?

There's a bunch of big red
ants runnin' around here.

I think you're okay.

You got the suit on.
They probably can't...

Uh, uh...

Wow!

Honey, are you all right? Ralph,

where did you go?

Boy, that was weird.

Ralph, where's the... the book?

- Th-The what?
- Oh, no.

He left the book down there!
The book of instructions.

Where did you...

I put it on a boulder
right over, uh, there.

♪♪

Ohh, well, we'll find it.

Ralph, would you stop
messin' the sand up here?

If you hadn't lost the book
in the first place, we wouldn't

have to find it now.

Hey, the cosmic responding
was your idea, Bill.

You were the one that wanted
him to start pushing the buttons.

Yeah, that's right, Bill.

Uh, well, what was your excuse
the last time you lost it, huh?

Would you two stop it?

It was an accident. Accident?

More like a sloppy scenario.

♪ So here I am on the corner
of So Long and Good-bye ♪

♪ I'm here at the junction ♪

♪ Of This-time-it's-the-end ♪

♪ We're opposites We're idiots ♪

♪ But we're still ♪

♪ Friends ♪♪