03x10 - Wizards and Warlocks

[bunniefuu]

♪ Look at what's
happened to me ♪

♪ I can't believe it myself ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm up
on top of the world ♪

♪ It should have
been somebody else ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Just like the
light of a new day ♪

♪ It hit me from
out of the blue ♪

♪ Breaking me out
of the spell I was in ♪

♪ Making all of my
wishes come true ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪♪

I think I was followed.

We must proceed quickly.

As Keeper of the
Clock, I declare this circle

now complete,

and this game of Wizards
and Warlocks may begin.

In the beginning,
dragons and other

unspeakable monsters...

prowled the earth, and
magic ruled men's lives.

Matters of life,
death, good fortune

and great adventure...

were often decided
by the roll of the dice...

or the turn of the card.

Searcher.

Gatekeeper.

Searcher.

The Urchin card.

Your successful evasion
of the Searchers...

can advance you to the level

of First Necromancer.

Failure will result
in loss of rank back

to Apprentice Warlock.

It will also suspend your
game for a full fortnight.

I shall carry the
mantle of the Urchin

to the Tower of Osiris.

Choose your destiny.

Beware the dark forces
that gather over this Urchin.

That's him. He
appears to be alone.

I hope to see the
prince's kidnapping

handled better...

than your two failed attempts

on his father's life.

He is merely a college student,

Your Excellency.

The search may now begin.

Good hunting, Searchers.

As Gatekeeper, remember
the Urchin is to be

protected at all costs.

At all costs.

Uh, right this way,
Your Highness.

Uh... Really, Your
Highness, I could

just as easily have had...

Agent Maxwell
summoned to my office.

I'm here to seek out Agent
Maxwell's assistance...

in a matter most
important to me.

One who seeks the help of others

does not do the summoning.

Certainly, as a leader of men
in your supervisory capacity,

you're aware of that.

Oh, of course. Of course.

Uh, Agent Maxwell must
have lent somebody his desk.

He's normally immaculate.

Okay.

Which one of you
guys screwed the top

of the mustard on crooked?

Agent Maxwell, I'd like you
to meet King Abou Al Fahaad

of Sougali.

His Majesty is in this country
on a matter of some importance

and delicacy.

His son, Prince Aha,
who is at university...

here in California,
has disappeared.

He's been missing from
his dorm for 24 hours.

- We have reason to believe
he may have been kidnapped.

- Aha!

Prince Aha. Maxwell,
could you show

a little respect?

Uh, Your Majesty,
I have any number

of very competent agents.

- Uh, Grimaldi, for example.

Wonderful.
- Oh, no, no, no.

But Agent Maxwell's
reputation precedes him,

even to my lands.

If anyone could
locate the whereabouts

of my missing son,

it's you. Yes, sir.

A token of my appreciation.

Oh, boy. Look at this.

This is a photograph
of the man...

the king thinks
to be responsible

for his son's disappearance.

This is Omar
Stambouli. He's a lunatic.

A revolutionary fanatic.

Oh, he would abduct my beloved
son Aha as a lever to topple

the dynasty of Fahaad.

He must feel this
is his final means

to unseat me as king,

since most of his
assassination attempts

have failed.

Oh, he has tried everything...
Putting expl*sive devices

in my automobiles...

or poisoning the
food that I eat.

Uh, you all right, Maxwell?
Is anything the matter?

No... No, of course
it isn't. It's fine.

Sir, I was just wondering, uh...

He's just a boy. Uh...

College kid and
everything. I mean, he's only

been gone for 24 hours.

Maybe it's, you know...

He's, uh, out with a
young lady and a six-pack.

I mean, have you
checked out the coeds

this season?

I'll have pictures of the prince
sent to every district office

and a special flier to Interpol.

Well, that's just fine.

I would like to thank
you and your superior...

for assigning the
infamous Agent Maxwell...

as per my request.

- Well, let us not keep
the agent any longer.

- Thank you, sir.

"Sim... sala-bim."

You know, this sure brings back

some tremendous memories.

Well, as long as it, uh,

brings back Prince Aha,

it'll bring up Carlisle's
breakfast, which is what

we're looking for.

I tried holographing off of
everything in Prince Aha's room.

I couldn't find anything.

Look.

The kid across the hall
from Aha in the dorm...

said that he liked to
spend most of his free time

in the game room.

Now, somebody there should
be able to give us a clue that'll

point us in the right direction.

Carlisle's expecting me to come
up with a ten-pound bag of bad

air, but we're gonna fox him.

Right, Ralph?

Ralph... Uh, Ralph?

You know, I think college
was some of the happiest times

in my life.

Uh, well, excuse me.

Oh, honey, come
on. No, no, no, no, no.

Doesn't even compete.

But I mean, it was my
first big step out into

the world, getting involved,

finding out what things
were really all about.

Yeah, you know, my
sorority was absolutely

the sickest on campus.

We had this rivalry with, uh,
Gamma Gamma Kappas...

Honey, I'm not talking about
locking pledges out of the house

without their clothes on.

Oh, well, then, you
really don't know

what fun is.

I know what fun is.

Oh, yeah. Sss! Yeah.

To the moon! To the moon!

No, I'm talking about, you
know, the rallies and the

peace marches, stuff like that.

Yeah, burning draft
cards and banks.

Come on. My generation wasn't

exactly sitting around, uh,

listening to their
hair grow, you know.

We graduated
from a little college

called Korea,

where they taught us
the old-fashioned junk...

Patriotism and honor
and all that stuff.

So, today, we burn a few
slide rules and we come up

with a scenario and a prince.

All right, Bill. Now,
would you do me a favor?

What?

Don't go throwing a
federal badge up underneath

these people's noses.

Let me do the
talking, all right?

I know how to handle it.

Come on. Oh, brother.

Start with them. Bill...

You're gonna make it. Watch out!

Serpents at 2:00!

Uh, excuse me. Hello. Hi.

How are you doing? Uh...

Can I talk with
one of you people

for a few minutes?

Please?

A regular pied piper there,
Ralph, the way you just zinged

right in on their wavelength.

Hey, no way, no way. I had that!

You did! You were through

the maze of serpents.

You must have
pushed my hand, Curly.

No, I didn't!

Maybe I did.

Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt
your pinball game.

Pinball?

You're talking to the
highest-scoring contender

for third-ring Wizard on campus.

The I happen to be
the reigning champion

of Wizards and Warlocks.

Oh. That's wonderful.

Uh, my friends and I
are looking for a, uh,

classmate of yours.

His name is Prince Fahaad.

Aha?

Uh-huh.

Can you think of anything
that would point us

in the right direction?

Certainly only a
Keeper of the Clock

can point you...

in the direction of
the Fleeing Urchin.

Come.

Fleeing Urchin?
Keeper of the Clock?

Must be some kind
of new Valley talk.

As Keeper of the
Clock, I declare this a first

encounter on Rook Level One.

My troll has declared
himself. If you have any trolls

amongst you, do likewise.

Uh... I'm, uh, I'm Ralph Hinkley,
and this is my wife, Pamela.

My God. Why do they send
out elves on troll encounters?

When I say "declare
yourself," you state your status,

which if it's above half-elf
I'd be greatly surprised.

I'm sorry. I-I don't follow you.

You're saying that
you're unfamiliar with

the rules of the Third Ring?

How to engage in a Gnome Probe
against a Keeper of the Clock...

presiding over
the Fleeing Urchin?

Is this some sort of
mythology class or something?

All we want to know
is where we can find

Prince Aha Fahaad.

They just want to know
the Urchin's destination.

That's all.

That's all they want. We
ought to send 'em back

to the Bridge of Clouds.

If you don't tell us what
we want to know, and quick,

it's gonna go real
hard with you, nerdley,

and you, too, Curly.

Now, don't think
because you're on

the faculty...

it means diddly in a game
of Wizards and Warlocks,

Professor Finkle.

Only Wizards and Keepers
of the Clock are supreme.

As a presiding gnome, I
can still see you sent back

across the Bridge of Clouds...

or reduced to Goblin's
Dwarf, or even Half-pixie.

Now, who is the
Keeper of your Clock?

J. Edgar... Hoover.

And he's gettin' real twisted...

that I have not
pulled your chain.

Now, you start talking
English, and quick,

or we're gonna take
a little ride downtown,

and I'm gonna bust both of you
down to half a graham cr*cker.

I have a complete set of
the rules and who the other

players are in my room.

Uh, I figure he's just across
the Sea of Dreams on his way to

the Cave of the Midgard Serpent.

I really wouldn't have
given you any trouble at all,

Agent Maxwell, really,

but you look just like
crotchety old Doc Finkle

in Psych 206.

And a lot of the members
of the faculty play.

I honestly thought that
you guys were deceitful trolls

sent from the ogre's castle.

Deceitful trolls?
Midgard serpent?

How do you keep
all this straight?

I mean, do you have this set
of rules you play the game by?

A guidebook or something?

Are you for real?

There are 13 volumes
in the Fackler series

on Wizards and Warlocks.

There are books on procedure
and play, a cross indices

of strike and counterstrike,

- an ascension of levels...
- Yeah.

I was unfamiliar
with the terminology

that you were using.

But of course, I've heard
of Wizards and Warlocks.

I mean, everybody
at Whitney High

is playing the game,

and it's very popular there
and I think other schools

across the country.

Very strange game, Bill.
It's, uh, like a board game,

but you take it
out on the streets,

and everybody assumes a role.

That's great. Wonderful way...

for grown-up kids
to be behaving.

Including the crown
prince of a whole country.

Gee... Well, your friend really

explained it in simple terms.

The game itself
is quite complex,

and it operates on many levels.

You're involved in creating
and forming a society, developing

leadership, exploring new lands.

Sort of preparation
for the big game of life.

Um, how does
this prepare you for

the game of life?

It keeps your mind
always on alert.

You never know when
your scepter will fail you...

or the sirens will
steal your soul...

or the clouds of
destiny will go black.

- Hey!
- Mr. Lederberger!

Bring him! He'll know
where the prince is!

Sandy was just picking
up some notes on bio.

Okay, Ralph. That's got

to be Stambouli's
guys. Go get 'em!

I'm gonna be busted
to Half-elf for sure.

Here.

It's just so confusing.

I'm not getting anything
out of this room.

I mean, I can't find out
where Stambouli's men

have taken Margolis.

I hope they don't
hurt him. Nah. No way.

Not till he leads
them to the prince.

I cannot believe how this
scenario has gone down.

We got the whole bureau out
looking for this missing prince,

and he's not even kidnapped.

He's off playing some new kind

of hide-and-seek.

Boy, kids are
really weird today.

College sure has
changed since I was in it.

You know, we didn't sit around
on Saturday nights, uh, huddled

around a skull and candles...

fighting imaginary
dragons for troll points.

Uh, no. The way

I remember it, you told me
you used to spend them...

at Marx Brothers
film festivals, right?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

We were practically
responsible for their revival.

They weren't just a bunch
of dummies running around.

They were pretty good satirists.

Sure, sure. Uh, let me see...

"Tell me, Mrs. Crumbcake,

they say men worship
the ground you walk on.

They don't think much of you,
but the ground is sensational."

It's the most ridiculous
thing I ever "hoid."

Okay, boys and girls,
do you mind if we just

bear down here...

and come up with a clue
that's gonna lead us to the prince

before Stambouli finds him?

What do you got there? One
of those books on the game

Wizards and Warlocks.

The only way we're gonna have
any hope of finding Prince Aha

is by playing the game.

I just can't believe these
guys can memorize all this stuff.

"A shrieking siren can
countermand the curse

of a cyclops's stare,

"but only in the case that
a lute-playing Minotaur...

who has not crossed
the path of Crater Banth"...

Bippity, bappity, boppity boo.

What kind of gunk are
you feeding me here?

How are we supposed
to find this prince with this

kind of instructions?

I mean, it looks
like it was written

by the green guys.

Well, maybe we
can find a translator.

You're kidding.

You guys don't know how to play?

Then what was
that... whatchamacallit

you were wearing?

What was that,
a warlock's outfit?

And that mock battle
that was going on.

Mr. Lederberger...

I am not this guy Lederberger,

whoever that is.

No kidding? You look just like

old Lead Bottom.

- He's a troll.
- What?

Uh, we're all trolls.

Uh, right. And we've just
crossed the Sea of Dreams...

on our way to the Cave
of the Midgard Serpent.

Uh, declare yourself.

Rook.

Only a Rook, huh? Well, uh,

then you are vulnerable
to the Blade and Sarnak.

Not unless you've
survived the Giant Leech

over the Heights of Zervos.

Uh, counselor, check it
out... This Giant Leech.

Oh, give me a break, Bill.
That was my first encounter

in combat.

Excuse me. I've got to go
to my nuclear physics class.

Uh... Uh... What are you doing?

Trolls have no
counterstrike capabilities

over second-level Rooks.

- Oh, we don't?
- No.

Oh, well, in that case, how'd
you like to take a hike down

the hall to the dean's office?

- You can't do that.
- I can't?

Yes, he can do that.

Now, you'd better tell
us... Where is Prince Aha?

Uh-uh. I'd revert back

to first-level Rook
if Margolis finds out.

Well, we don't have
to tell him where

we got the information.

- Well, I don't know about that.
- Bill, come on.

We are not deceitful trolls.

We're not. Now, come on.

Uh, how do we get to the
Cave of the Midgard Serpent?

How the hell do I know
that? I'm just a Rook.

No one but the
Keeper of the Clock

would know that.

Well, then, there's no
one at all who can tell us

where this cave is?

No. If you're not on
that playing plateau,

you'd have to be a genius at
the game to be able to locate the

Cave of the Midgard Serpent...

without having crossed
the Flowing Waters of Ithaca.

I can't think of anybody
who could do that...

except Joey Margolis.

Who we don't have.

And, of course,
Wizard of the Fifth Ring.

Who? Wizard of the Fifth Ring.

Norman Fackler.

I love it, Manny. I love it.

Get back to me when
you've set the deal, huh?

I love you, guy.

There is nothing like a
good promotions man.

I just got clearance to
do the Dorothy Chandler.

Oh, boy! Yahoo!

That sounds like a...
A golf tournament.

Golf tournament?

You gotta be kidding. It
is the biggest video game

extravaganza of all time!

We're gonna rig up
the chairs with controls.

We're gonna fill the
Dorothy Chandler Pavilion

with contestants,

who are gonna be playing
Wizards and Warlocks

on a giant screen!

It's genius, isn't it? Uh, Mr.

Fackler, I think I said F.B.I...

when we came in,

and we're on a very
high-level investigation with

international repercussions.

- We need to talk to you.
- Well, I'd really like

to help you out,

but I got to be at my
publisher's in five minutes,

so I got to "scramola."

I have 13 volumes of Wizards
and Warlocks coming out

in 10 different languages.

Well, that's what we

wanted to talk about, see?

Because we got a whole
Middle Eastern empire

that's riding on this.

No problem. I got a version

coming out in Hebrew. Uh, Ralph?

Uh, Mr. Fackler, I think

what Agent Maxwell is
trying to explain to you...

is that, uh, there's a
prominent Arabian prince...

who is playing your game,
and now he's in danger.

We need your help to find him.

You gotta be kidding. Uh-uh.

Press hasn't heard
about this yet, has it?

Uh, well, um...

You wouldn't believe the
battles I've been having

with the Department of Safety.

They're actually saying that
my games are dangerous.

Not if you play 'em right,

they're not.

You want to know
what's dangerous?

I'll tell you what's dangerous.

Roller skates are
dangerous. You see that?

You know where I got that?

Roller skates. You got it.

I don't think there's
any problem Mr.

Fackler. If

you'll just give us a hand here,

there's no reason, uh,
the newspapers or the TV

should hear about it at all.

I'll do what I can. Anything

to keep Wizards and Warlocks
from getting any bad press.

Uh, well-well, good.

Um, all you have to do is find
the prince by playing the same

game that he was playing.

This game took years to
develop. It's very complicated,

with hundreds of variations.

I'd need to know certain
play patterns, uh, skill factors

of some of the participants...

We'll get you all
that information.

Come on, Mr. Fackler.

This ought to be a snap
for a Wizard of the Fifth Ring.

Well, you know,
you're right there.

Uh... Okay, let's go. We'll
take the stretch limo, eh?

Ready?

Go! Centipedes,

12:00 noon.

I don't believe it. Would you

look? It's Norman Fackler!

Beverly!

Look. It's Norman Fackler!
Wizard of the Fifth Ring!

I want to get his autograph.
Can I have your autograph?

Yes. Thank you.

I can't believe
it. Look at this.

Well, what do you
expect? All these kids got

brain rot today.

Boy, they're all over him. I
mean, I could understand it

if he was more like, uh...

Groucho Marx? Would you get

a load of that nerd?

Okay, boys and girls.
No more autographs.

That's it.

Uh, come on.
Mr. Fackler has a bad arm.

He's got, uh, writer's
cramp from this morning

down at the bookstore.

- This guy was the
Keeper of the Clock's troll.

Really?

Yes, sir. Uh, I moved
through the Sea of Mists...

and elevated from ogre's
tail to troll in only two

sorcerers' r-rotations.

Impressive. Puts you in line

for Searcher.

An encounter with a Wizard
immediately elevates you

to Searcher's deacon.

And as Wizard of the Fifth
Ring, I declare this encounter.

By your leave!

What are your
circle's boundaries?

The northern boundary is
the Tower of Temptation.

Ah. And what is the skill
factor of the Fleeing Urchin?

- Fourth level.
- I see.

Is there a clock tower on
campus, or a bell tower?

There's a campanile
behind the music building.

I still need to know
the Urchin's plans

to traverse the Sea of Dreams.

Okay, you heard him.
Uh, how does he do that?

- Maxwell, how would a
Clock Keeper's Troll know that?

- Oh.

Yeah, Bill.

Now I heard Joey Margolis
say that the prince had to get

to the Midgard Serpent.

That's it! Troll!

Is there some sort of big power
generator around here somewhere?

There's a steam plant and
an electrical facility underneath

the maintenance building.

Serpent's Territory.

Serpent Territory? Yes.

I love it. Thank you very much.

"Where creeping footsteps

softly tread...

"and the night is filled
with nameless dread...

"Where turns and
twists and mists abound,

the Serpent dwells
beneath the ground."

Fackler, how did you
come up with this junk

in the first place?

Yeah, it's wonderful, isn't it?
My books have already sold over

three million nationwide.

I had no idea that the
readership was that vast.

Yeah, it and The Joy of
Sex... Two best sellers on every

college campus in the country.

The game seems
awfully time-consuming.

If the students are
busy playing your game,

when do they have time to study?

On the contrary. It strengthens

their mental powers.
That is my philosophy.

It gets them ready for the...

Game of life.

Yes.

Serpents lie within.

Now I see why they call it

Serpent Territory.

This is the Cave of
the Midgard Serpent

we're in now.

Aha's got to be
around here someplace.

Mr. Stambouli, uh, we
will be going right back

after this, aren't we?

Uh, I've got finals next week.

Hold it! F.B.I.!

Ralph!

Margolis. Come
on, kid. It's okay.

It's all right. Come on.

Come on. They're gone.

They're gone.

Up, up, up. Come on, baby.

Whoop. Hold it.

Stop him!

Looks like you guys are gonna

lose some troll points.

Yes, uh, would you let
Mr. Fackler know that

Ralph Hinkley was calling?

Thank you very much.

Still not there?
Uh, no, he's not.

Apparently, his office
hasn't seen or heard from him

since he left there with us.

Well, he had a lot of
other appointments,

and we know Stambouli's
men didn't get him, so don't

worry about it, hon.

You know, honey,
the more I get into this,

the more interesting it gets.

You know all that stuff
that Margolis and Fackler

were saying...

about how it gets
you ready for life?

Well, the whole game's point
system is based on, uh, uh,

mental deduction, dexterity.

It's very strange, isn't it?

Well, honey, it is at first,
but once you get into it,

it's really not.

No. No, no, no. I mean, uh...

I mean how we change
and yet we never know it.

I mean, going back
to that college today,

seeing those kids...

I mean I was
there six years ago,

and it feels like 26.

Yeah, well, Ralph, most people
experience the biggest changes

of their life after college.

Do you know, the
other day I was in class,

and I heard one of my
students saying to a girlfriend...

She said, "Did you realize...

Paul McCartney was in
a band before Wings?"

- He was?
- Honey, yes.

He was in the Bea...

- Oh.
- Honey, come on.

All of those students
in my class were born...

after J.F.K. was assassinated.

I mean that entire
part of my life is just

history to those kids.

Ralph, I'm not gonna have to
help you weather a premature

midlife crisis, am I?

I mean, just yesterday I was
young and handsome and virile,

and today I'm an old man.

Yeah. I wish I knew you then.

But I guess we all go
through it, don't we?

Thanks. All right. All right.

Yeah, except guys
like Norman Fackler.

I mean, I get the feeling
he went through his life

in kind of a fantasy world.

I bet it makes it
easy for guys like that

to hang on.

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna
go give him another call.

Boy, I wonder where in
the world he could be?

Bill?

Hello, anyone?

Hinkley? Maxwell! Anyone?

No panic, Normie. No panic.

You can get out
of here real easy.

Yes, you can.

You're the wizard, Normie.

I almost caught up
with him at the Cave

of the Midgard Serpent,

but this kid is,
uh... The prince...

He's real sharp at
playing the game, see,

so, uh, well, he slipped
through my fingers,

that's all.

Anyhow, the guys with
the black dishtowels

on their heads, uh,

had kidnapped the
Keeper of the Clock, see?

And they were coming
down one tunnel, and, uh,

the two Searchers,

who were after the prince...
That's the Fleeing Urchin...

Uh, across the Bridge
of, uh, Sighs or Mists

or whatever it is...

Um, they were coming down
another tunnel, and I was

coming down a third...

with the Wizard
of the Fifth Ring.

Stop.

No more, please. I
can't take anymore.

I was right about
you the first time I ever

laid eyes on you.

You are a burnout!
Well, wait a minute.

You don't think I could
make up any of this stuff,

do you?

You...

What I want you
to do, Bill, is to

write your report,

word for word, just the way

you told it to me.

Here. Here's the
tape. Transcribe it.

Now, I'm gonna
send a copy to D.C...

after I check it to
make sure you didn't

try to clean it up.

And after that, Bill,
I don't think you'll

have to worry anymore...

about special requests
for your services

from the State Department!

Good-bye. Watch out

for the gremlins
in the copy room.

Well, so long as Carlisle
won't let me next to

Margolis to question him,

I guess we're standing
around here in Troll City,

sucking wind.

At that I'm lucky he didn't
trade me off to the laughing

academy to play first base.

Trying to run that scenario
by him... Can you imagine me

trying to explain to him...

about trolls and elves
and leprechauns...

and the Bridge of, uh, Clouds,

and a prince...

who think's he's
an elf, or, uh, urchin.

- Aha!
- That's the one.

Oh, boy. This thing

has turned into a real
foam-the-runway operation.

- I don't think.
- What is it, honey?

Well, the more I've been
going over this game,

the less complicated
it really seems to be.

You know, like
canasta. All those cards.

Until you really
learn how to meld,

it doesn't make much sense.

- Well, do you think
you have it figured out?

- Great, that's terrific.

Well, uh, we can all get to wear
the little, uh, black dunce caps

with the silver stars.

I'll call in Carlisle.
Counselor can cast

a spell on him.

- Turn him into a unicorn.
- Will you just listen, Bill?

You know, our problem was
that we entered this game...

while other players were
already at second-level

variation...

combat and counterstrike.

You know, Margolis
and his circle

were already at Gnome,

while we were still
passing through

Goblin Territory.

What she's saying
is, Bill, we were

operating on Rook level...

trying to intercept
somebody functioning

at an Urchin plane,

and there's no way that
the two can intercept.

- We went Goblin when we
should have gone Gnome.

- Exactly.

I'm dyin'.

Bill, would you just
go along with us?

I mean, we're gonna
find Aha, all right?

I'm not gonna pull a
g*n on the kids, Ralph.

I'm just gonna badge 'em.

Bill, it hasn't gotten
us anywhere so far.

I mean, you flash a badge,

and Carlisle's gonna
pull it before you get it

back in your pocket.

Now, come on, Bill. We've
made our best progress

playing this game.

Yeah, like with
the kid in the dorm

who led us to Fackler,

and then Fackler leading
us to Serpent Territory.

This is bananas.

Yeah, but it's fun.

He's all the way
through the Labyrinth

of Cernak!

Look at this. He
doesn't miss a thing.

I can't believe it.

Wow! Look at that!

We are off to traverse
the River of Zog.

- The what of what?
- Okay.

I've been working out the
game against a street map...

according to the guide
in the back of the book.

Now, the River of
Zog... That should be

the L.A. Reservoir,

somewhere between Sepulveda...

and Burbank.

- Well, that's
where the prince is?

- No.

- No.
- No, that's where

the Keeper of the Gate is.

He holds the destiny card, which
determines where the Fleeing

Urchin's next stop will be,

which could be
one of three places.

Right. The Circle of !sis,

Castle of Doom, or
the High Couch of, uh,

Silistra, Silistra, whatever.

I don't believe
what I'm listening to.

Who told you this stuff, Ralph?

Bill, I was talking
to the Searchers

dispatched by Margolis.

That bunch of
flamingos? You believe...

Let me put it to you

a different way.

Suppose they were
being deceitful trolls.

Then what? There
are no deceitful trolls

in Goblin Territory, Bill.

- Sorry. I lost my head.

- All right. I'll
meet you all there.

Okay. ♪ We're off

to see the Keeper ♪

Yeah, this is going
real good now.

Uh, we're headed for
the, um... the River of Zog.

Prince is headed for the Circle

of, uh... of !sis.

I'm headed for the pen,
and my personnel file...

is headed straight
into the paper shredder.

Come on. Oh, yeah.

We got it now. No question.

Just a moment, young man.

Now, where is the prince?

Uh... He, uh... He's not here.

He-He just left.

Indeed. And just
where did he go,

my young friend?

I can't tell you that.

Maxwell? Maxwell, is that you?

Maxwell?

I know you're there,
Maxwell. I know you're there.

I'm gonna get out
of here, Maxwell.

And when I do,

beware the wrath
of the angry wizard.

Oh, God. Ohh.

Maxwell? Hinkley?

I knew it. I knew it.

It's nothing. There's
nobody here.

The deceitful
trolls got us again.

The Gatekeeper should be here.

Well, maybe, uh, we
made a wrong turn.

Maybe this isn't
the River of Zog.

The River of Zog is
an L.A. storm drain,

and I'm gettin' measured
for a 208 hearing.

Don't worry Bill. I'll
handle the case for you.

Get you 10% on your pension.

Thanks a lot.

Wait a minute. Look at this.

The Gatekeeper's cap!

You get docked 10
points for being caught

without that on.

Well, whoever dropped
that down here got docked

more than 10 points.

Anything? Well, there's
got to be something.

The Gatekeeper, or
whatever he's called,

has got to be taking
the heavies to the prince

right now.

Wait a minute. I'm
gettin' something here.

I see a... a windmill.

Wha... A w... Look up "windmill"

in there.

No, wait a minute.
It's changing,

I-I-I got a, uh,

a gingerbread house.

Ralph, change
channels, will you?

Bill, come on.

This thing keeps
fading in and out.

It's not my fault.

All right. I'm getting
a, uh... a tree house...

with a bunch of
elves around it...

Okay. That's it.

I fought the good fight and
I lost it, that's all, and the

prince doesn't get to be king.

Will you take it easy, Bill?
He's doing the best he can.

This isn't easy.

Near a castle...
by the 15th hole.

The what? Fifteenth hole?

Yeah, you know,
like a golf course.

Hey, wait a minute.

I think I know where
there's a castle.

The elves throw me.

Well, forget the
elves. Where is it?

Okay.

There's a miniature golf course
near the freeway in Encino.

They have a castle. Now,
the prince could be headed

for the Castle of Doom.

Well...

That's all we got.

Uh, we'll meet you there.
Come on, counselor.

Yeah. Let's go.

I know... Be careful.

Oh, here!

I declare the Circle complete!

All Stealers and
Searchers of the Soul,

reveal yourselves.

Okay, Omar. Out.

Out, baby. Right now.

One thumb through there. Okay.

The other one through
there. Put it on yourself.

Okay, kid. F.B.I.
What's going on?

They're after Aha.

They chased him around back.

You stay here.

Freeze it right
there! Drop it! Drop it!

I have the prince!

Drop your weapon,
or the prince is dead.

Wha...

Well, kid,

you really put us
through the jumps

with your little game.

Well but, how... what...

Uh, your destiny
card come up rosy,

and uh, some guardian
wizard must really dig your act.

Yeah, I know, I know. I
was a nonbeliever, too,

at the beginning.

But I spent a couple
of days with that stuff,

and it starts to make sense.

Not only that, but right here,

we've got techniques...

that we use that could benefit
from this wizard business

right here in the bureau.

I mean, for
example, look at this.

You got a felon. The
felon is on the run.

Okay. You know, be
dumb. That's okay with me.

Now, this felon
is the only one...

who knows his true
destination himself.

See? That makes
him a Fleeing Urchin.

Now, the rest of us
are all operating...

at different levels of
comprehension and ability, see?

I mean, like for example, uh...
Well, Carson here might be...

half an Elf, uh, and, you know,

Smith here's maybe
a quarter of a Pixie,

Come on. And I'm a Wizard

of the Fifth Ring because...

Come on. Let's go.

What's the matter with you?

They think you're a yo-yo.

And the other th...

Oh, boy. Deceitful trolls.

They're everywhere. Gee!

Well, they're just jealous,
that's all, because...

I cracked the game,
and I found the prince.

Uh, I cracked the game, Bill.

Uh, you're still back
at the Bridge of Clouds.

Well, if anyone's responsible
for finding the prince,

it's Norman Fackler.

Yeah, Fackler.
Gee, I wish he would

return my calls.

I got a caseload for him...
You know, of Fleeing Urchins...

I know he could help me with.

It's driving me nuts.