01x02 - Candle Jack / Toby Danger in Doomsday Bet / The Lobe

[bunniefuu]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

NARRATOR: A byproduct
of Holland's vast tulip industry...

... Scream-O-Vision
heightens your viewing experience...

... by prompting you when to scream.

Let's try it now.

MAN:
Scream.

[SCREAMING]

NARRATOR:
Good.

And now we proudly present
the following cartoon in Scream-O-Vision.

[HOOTING]

MAN:
Scream.

[AUDIENCE SCREAMING]

BO Y:
Ooh, that's a good one. Your turn, Buzz.

Um... The scariest thing
in the world would be if, uh...

If all the air in the world turned to wood.

ALL:
Ooh...

Okay, like, the scariest thing
in the world would be...

...if, like, you went to grab something
and it wasn't there.

Because it turned to wood.

ALL:
Ooh...

The scariest thing in the world...

...would be if they gave Sinbad
another TV show.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Sorry about that.

Heh. That's okay.

I really appreciate you taking time out
of your busy schedule to visit with the kids.

I know they enjoyed it.

[KIDS SCREAMING AND CRYING]

Thanks. Mwah.

MAN:
Scream.

[AUDIENCE SCREAMING]

Knock it off.

Well, I better be going.

For somewhere...

...there are wrongs to right,
there are foes to fight...

...there are little chunks of carrot
in your teeth.

I'd have that taken care of.
It can lead to insanity.

Mm?

STEFF:
When will I see you again?

Well, if I know my cartoons, and I do...

...l'll be back later on to rescue you
from something really horrible.

Bye-bye.

[GRUNTING]

Up, up.

Up, up.

Go up. Fly.

Freakazoid, you don't fly.

Oh, right.

[WHOOSHING]

[SIGHS]

You don't really believe in that stuff...

...about Sinbad getting another TV show,
do you, Buzz?

No. The broadcasting industry has all sorts
of safeguards to prevent that sort of thing.

The guy you really gotta watch out for
is Candle Jack.

Candle Jack? Who's that?

He's the bogeyman, the for-real one.

He comes to kids at night
and steals them from their beds.

Then he takes them to some secret place
and they never ever come back.

- Why does he do that?
- Because he's a nut.

Oh.

How does he get you?

That's the good part. He can't.

Not unless you say his name out loud.

So don't say his name, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Buzz, we did say his name out loud.

IN UNISON:
Uh-oh.

Maybe he didn't hear it.

Hello, boys.

MAN:
Scream.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

BOTH:
Help, help, help.

It's Candle Jack.

Care to join us?

- Don't say it.
- What?

Candle Jack. Oops.

Why, thank you.

No, I said Apple Jacks.
I wanted some Apple Jacks.

- Didn't I?
- Yeah.

He didn't say Candle Jack.
Aw, nuts.

[BOTH GRUNT AND GRO AN]

BO YS:
Help, help, help!

Huh?

What's going on?

[GIRL SCREAMING]

Look, it's Candle Jack!

GIRLS:
Candle Jack!

I'm gonna need more rope.

MAN:
Scream.

[AUDIENCE SCREAMING]

NARRATOR: And now, with a rebuttal
to the previous scene...

... is Dr. Gunther Hunterhanker.

I take great exception to the scene...

...in which we have just witnessed
a man with a bag on his head...

...scaring and frightening children
who are having a nice happy time.

[CHUCKLES]

Let me state, unequivocally
and with absolute certainty...

...that it is physically impossible
for such a bogeyman...

...to come and get you
simply by saying the words "Candle Jack."

CANDLE JACK:
Psst.

Then again...

[WHOOSHING]

COSGRO VE: Hey, Freakazoid.
- Hmm?

[WHOOSHING]

Oh, hi, Cosgrove.

You wanna go
to the Honey Harvest Festival in Acton?

Really? Are...? Are you serious?

Yes, yes, yes!

Wow.

I can't remember
when I've had so much fun. Ooh.

Yeah, but I think I overdid it
on the honey.

By the way, Steff and the kids
have been captured...

...by that spooky bogeyman guy.

Think I should go help them?

I would. But that's me.

Okay. See you.

[WHOOSHING]

[GRO ANS]

[CRYING]

STEFF:
What are you going to do with us?

I don't know.
I've never gotten so many at once before.

Not a very bright group, are you?

What do you mean by that?

Oh, nothing.

[FREAKAZOID WHOOSHING]

Well, if it isn't...

ALL:
No!

What? I was just gonna say...

ALL: No!
- Don't say it!

Don't say what?

Don't say his name.

You mean, don't say "Candle Jack"?

Freakazoid, why did you say his name?

I wanted to do
one of those funny things like...

Ever watch F Troop where Agarn says:

"There's no way I'm wearing a dress.
Absolutely not. No dress."

Forrest Tucker's like, "You're wearing
that dress." Then they wipe:

[BABBLES]

And Agarn's wearing a dress.

Yoo-hoo.

Look, oh, brothers.
Look who's here for you.

Oh, I love that bit. Ha-ha-ha.

There. I'll be right back.

I've gotta go charter a bus.

Believe it or not.

You know, I'd just like to pause here
a minute and say...

...what a gas
and a sagacious experience it is...

...working on today's show.

Because I walked onto the set today,
and everyone looked at me and said:

"We're gonna have fun. Fun, fun, fun."

And then Joey Leahy came,
the announcer.

Tell me he's not great.
Tell me he's not great.

Go ahead, tell me.

You can't, right? You can't.

And then you got Eddie Asner.
A bear of a man, a huggable guy.

I kiss him. Mwah.

And Kenny Mars. Funny?

I think so. And these kids.

Have you ever in your life been filled
with more joy being around kids?

Whether they're, you know,
religious, experiential or not.

I love them. All of them.

We'll hug after the show.
Anyway, I just...

I needed to say that.

DIRECTOR:
And action.

We're trapped. What are we going to do?

Don't worry, I have a plan. Watch.

That's right, Freakazoid had a plan.

A plan involving steel and mortar
and bricks and pie.

PAUL: For what Candle Jack did not know,
what he could not know...

... was that Freakazoid
had secretly constructed...

... a terrifically treacherous trap
in the wild and windy woods.

Smack me with a handle.

PAUL:
And when Candle Jack...

... when that big bogeyman
went to charter the bus...

... he was lured by the aroma
of perfectly plump pumpkin pie.

I think there's a thumbtack
under my fanny.

PAUL: Upon finding the pie, he picked it up
and was trapped in the cage.

Thus the spell was broken,
the children were rescued...

... and a wonderful celebration ensued.

And now you know
the rest of the episode.

Good day.

You saved us.

That's my job. I'm a... I'm a superhero.

Thank you.

MAN:
Scream.

I said, knock it off.

Oh, my.

[SQUAWKING]

[SQUEALING]

SCIENTIST:
Commence testing.

Careful, intern.

Dr. Danger said not to increase the world's
largest semiconductor's power suddenly.

No!

[HUMMING]

[SCIENTISTS SCREAMING]

[MAN LAUGHING]

What have you done, intern?

[GASPS]

SCIENTIST: The world's largest
semiconductor is on the loose.

[SCREECHING]

[BEEPING]

DASH: Gotta hand it to you, doc.
This flying island is really neat.

DANGER:
Thanks, Dash.

There's Lake Mead. Let's land.

Steady now.

These antigravity sidewalk slabs
are really cool, Pop.

Did you invent them to replace cars?

No, Toby.

They were a byproduct of the, uh...

...meltdown of your adopted sister
Sandra's hometown.

It's okay, Dr. D.

I didn't lose a hometown,
I gained a family.

You've got a good head
on your shoulders, Sandra.

Maybe someday you'll be a scientist,
just like me.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, um, look at that awful, twisted,
smoldering wreckage ahead.

DANGER:
That's my semiconductor testing lab.

Notice any clues, Dash?

Offhand, I'd say they had
one heck of an office party.

[LAUGHING]

Or one clever saboteur.

Neat-o.

What's a saboteur, Pop?

[BLOWS]

[ALL GASP]

I knew it. It's some guy in a helmet.

Correct, Dash.

But more specifically,
it's my archenemy, Dr. Sin.

Unless I missed my guess, Dr. Sin
will use my giant semiconductor...

...to attack Las Vegas.

How do you figure that?

DANGER:
Call it a scientific scholarly guess.

DASH: Well, then,
let's check into the hotel and get to work.

TOBY:
But I really am Mr. Peanut.

You know the rules, kid.
No minors in the casino.

TOBY:
I'll never meet a keno girl.

I don't get it, doc.

This new security system of yours
is still untested.

Yes, but it's all we've got.

I predict this hotel
will be Dr. Sin's next target.

Hot!

How in blazes do you know that?

DANGER: Because every other place
is burned to the ground.

TOBY:
I made it. I'm in.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS]

Very funny, kid.

Aw, let me out.

Shh. I'm working on it.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[CLEARS THRO AT]

Allow me to make the house
a sporting proposition.

One roll of the dice.

I win, my brother in the hotel brig
goes free.

I lose, you get to keep him. Deal?

Best odds I had all night.

You're on, sister.

Heads up, you heathen monkeys.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[CROWD MURMURING]

[OFFICERS GRO AN]

[CRASH]

[GRUNTING]

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Quick, you guys join your dad.

[GRUNTS]

Cool.

[SCREECHING]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

I need more power.
We barely withstood that last attack.

The doc needs more juice.

Check.
Prepare to divert all nonessential power.

[PASSENGERS SCREAMING]

[CRASH]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

DOCTOR:
Sorry.

Still more power.

[RAY CHARLES SINGING AND PLAYING
"HIT THE RO AD, JACK"]

[SCREECHING]

Can nothing stop this thing?

DASH:
Just let me throw a barrel at it.

DANGER:
Dash, no.

[SCREAMS]

Come on. Hi-y...

DANGER:
Dash.

Gangway, she's about to blow.

[DR. SIN GRUNTS AND SCREAMS]

[DASH GRUNTS AND GRO ANS]

[SCREECHING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

I'd call your latest invention
a flaming success, doctor.

[CHUCKLES]

I try, Dash.

To succeed would take more resources
than planet Earth can supply me.

Say, is there any place open
where we can get a midnight snack?

[ALL LAUGHING]

And I was gonna go
see Siegfried and Roy tonight.

My fellow supervillains, I am touched...

...by the standing-room-only turnout
for this important event...

...the culmination of my criminal career.

The lobotomy of Freakazoid.

Performed with pride
by yours truly, The Lobe.

[CHEERING]

Is the patient ready for the anesthetic?

[MONOTONE]
Yes, doctor.

No need. I brought my own.

[BLATHERS]

Oh, look at the things.
I've seen this on cartoons.

Around go. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Great. My one bit in this scene
and I get upstaged by a mallet.

Now, to open the skull of Freakazoid...

...and see what makes him tick.

Aha!

[SQUISHING]

Huh?

Ha. See, it's ticking.

You said, "Let's see what makes him tick,"
and there's a ticking time b*mb, get it?

Bye.

I feel so used.

[RINGING]

We're very proud of that.