01x08 - Hot Rods from Heck / A Time for Evil

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: We interrupt our program
to bring you this important message.

I love you.

Now, back to our show.

NARRATOR: They were fast, they were
fierce, they were fuel-injected furies.

They were Hot Rods from Heck!

Starring Rube Canto, Mimsy Ling...

... and Weena Mercator
as the Hopping Woman.

Directed by Dobie Atwood, Jr.

[SQUAWKING]

[SMACKING]

Dad, Duncan's been hitting me in the arm
for the last 140 miles.

What's the matter, you little baby?
Can't take it?

Pipe down, or I'll climb back there
and butter your heads, huh?

You boys have been
full of ginger the entire trip.

Now, settle down
before we reach your grandpa's place.

I don't want you giggling
at his cardboard hat.

He's not well.

Dad, Dad, the road.

[ALL SCREAM]

Wow! Did you see those cars?
They were really tough-looking.

They tried to run us off the road.

Good thing your father panicked and jumped
on the brakes like a scared old woman.

I didn't panic.

[REVVING]

Dad, they're coming back.

DEBBIE: I should drive.
You're shaking like a mouse.

DOUGLAS:
I didn't panic.

DEXTER:
Get us out of here, Dad.

[SCREAMS]

[FAMILY SCREAMS]

DOUGLAS:
Oh, no. No, no!

[MAN SNARLS]

MAN:
Nice driving, Turk, old boy.

Put them in the garage for a spell.

NARRATOR:
Who is this beast man?

Who is this bovine boy
with horns on his head...

...and a ring through his nose?

Born in Odessa, Texas...

... his real name was Jubal Nixon,
and he worked at a Jon-nee Cat factory...

... selling bags and bags of Jon-nee Cat,
until turning to crime.

So sought after was he,
so pursued by police...

... that he had a doctor
turn him into a steer.

And from that day forward,
he was known as...

...Longhorn.

And now you know
the rest of the back-story.

Good day.

So, uh, what are we gonna do with
these remote-controlled hot rods, Longhorn?

Son, you are dumber
than a bowl of mice.

Now, listen up one last time.

The Air Force'll be moving
a Titan rocket this afternoon...

... right along that very highway.

Your robot hot rodders will
take out the guards.

Then they'll force that flatbed
off the road.

We'll be waiting, I think.

And before you know it,
we're the proud owners of a Titan m*ssile...

... with a 20-megaton warhead.

Batteries not included.

[CHUCKLING]

Not bad, Longhorn.

Then we hold Washington for ransom?

No, we don't.

We hold Nashville for ransom.

Unless they give me a recording contract,
they're gonna be whole-wheat toast.

No one can sing like you can.

Not so fast, son.

Listen to my new lick.

[SINGING]
Jamming gears and eating pie

In my big rig in the sky

Since the day
I crashed into a banjo shop

[SQUAWKING]

They were dead people
driving those cars.

Oh, the very nerve.

They'll give a license to anyone.

It's all Dexter's fault.

This is so weird.

I wish I were home
reading funny stories in binary.

[CAR ENGINES RO ARING]

[HORN BLOWING]

Oh, no.

That's Bessie Mae, Longhorn's truck.

He's on America's Most Wanted
about every other week.

Aw, as if I didn't have enough problems.

Something bad's gonna happen soon.

I guess I'd better, oh...

...freak out!

Wow, that was a long wait.
This is more story than I'm used to.

Time to take care of business.

Hey, Dexter, you little nimbus.

Come on out.
It's time for your 2:00 arm punch.

Ahh! It's the blue guy again.

Let's wrastle.

[DUNCAN GRUNTING]

Can you sing the lyrics to
"I'm a Tugboat, Call Me Mel"? Try it.

[SINGING]
I'm a tug boat...

Ow!

Aw, that was a tough one,
because I just made up that song. See you.

LONGHORN [SINGING]:
Her name was Melinda

She'd be 56 today

But she fell out of my truck
On Highway 5 near San Jose

That was another, uh, gem, Longhorn.

I like to think
you aren't just being polite...

...so's I won't whomp on you
with my big round hooves.

TURK:
Put that out of your mind.

No doubt
Longhorn's up to some evil plan.

I'd better find him without delay.

Hey, Freakazoid.

Oh, hi, Cosgrove.

Wanna go see a bear ride a motorcycle?

Do I? Let's roll!

That bear is pretty good.

Pigs are smarter than bears,
but they can't ride motorcycles.

Oh, by the way.

Word has it that Longhorn plans
to use robot hot rodders...

...to steal a Titan m*ssile.

- You going?
- It's out of my jurisdiction.

If I were you,
I'd get the Freakmobile and check it out.

Might be something to it.

Perhaps there is.

We test-ran this place
in an earlier episode...

...and I'm proud to say,
it's gonna stay a part of the show.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Follow me. It's okay.

The Hall of Freakmobiles.

Let's see now.

Nah. Mm-mm.

[GASPS]

That one, because it runs.

How toyetic can you get?

NARRATOR: "Toyetic" is a word
created by marketing people.

It means an object or device
featured in a cartoon...

... that could easily
become a mass-produced toy.

Yee-haw!

[GRUNTS]

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
Get ready.

It's time now for


[HONKS]

That boy wrecked my plan.
I'm gonna settle his hash right now.

Uh-oh...

[GROWLS AND SNORTS]

[LAUGHS]

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Longhorn thinks
he has me, but I've got a trick.

Oh, what a good trick this is.

If there were a degree for trickery,
I'd be a master trickster.

Ha!

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Man, did I ever skunk Longhorn.

That steer-head is probably
still trying to figure out...

[LONGHORN GROWLS]

Oh, nut-bunnies.
He must get the same jet-pod catalog I do.

[CHUCKLES]

BOTH:
All right.

Hey, so I'm picking up
a couple extra bucks.

[WHISPERS]
Don't tell the IRS.

Longhorn's got a pretty nifty truck.

Let's see if it came
with underwater options.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, that's right.

This car was never designed
to operate underwater.

Wow. That was important and I forgot it.

[GASPING AND COUGHING]

Oops.

[STAMMERS]

Huh?

Oh, wait.

I just thought of a great plan,
if I do say so myself.

This should work, but I'd better hurry.

[WHOOSHING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen...

... it's time now
for our seventh-inning stretch.

[CHATTERING]

Aw, sh**t. This ain't fair.

I had your blue butt cold.

I know, I know,
but it's the seventh-inning stretch.

You gotta sing along. It's a tradition.

BOTH [SINGING]:
Take me out to the ball game

Take me out to the crowd

Bind me with rope and a sailor's knot

Send me to jail where I'll sleep on a cot

'Cause you broke, broke, broke the law

Off you go to the can

For it's one, two, three years away

I'll send you Spam

[CHEERING]

I like me.

We'd be at Grandpa's now
if it weren't for Dexter.

Hey, I got lost in the desert.

And you weren't around to help
when that blue guy jumped me again.

You're the only one
who ever sees this blue guy, Duncan.

He's real.

Well, of course he's real to you, dear,
but that's because you're probably insane.

[CHUCKLING]

What are you laughing at, twink?

[ALL BICKERING]

NARRATOR: We interrupt our program
to bring you this important message.

I can see you.

Now, back to our show.

[HORN BLARING MELOD Y]

[BEAR GROWLING]

CHOIR [SINGING]:
Hunt, hunt, hunt, he's the Huntsman

"Into action" is his cry

From the forest to the city
He will run there in a jiffy

To sock evil in the eye

Marty Feeb was a poor hunter

Hungry without dough

Till the day he saved a chunky elf
From being eaten by a crow

The elf rewarded Marty Feeb
With a magic sack of corn

He gained strength and speed
And shiny teeth

And as the Huntsman was reborn

Hunt, hunt, hunt
He's the Huntsman

He'll rip the pants off of bad guys

If there's an emergency
Sound the Horn of Urgency

And summon the Huntsman

[GRO ANS AND YELLS]

"Into action" is his cry!

Hunt

- Hey, Huntsman.
HUNTSMAN: Howdy.

Put me to work, Lieutenant King.

I'm ready to battle crime.

KING: Um, sorry, Huntsman,
but nothing's cooking right now.

Is that why you haven't sounded
the Horn of Urgency?

KING:
What can I say, Huntsman?

I'm 21 years on the force,
and I've never seen things this slow.

It's sort of a crime downtime.

[CHUCKLES]

Darn it.

Well, then, maybe I'll go visit my brother.

KING:
Yeah, sure. Why not?

He lives over on Wally Schirra Terrace.

That's a nice neighborhood.

Okay. I'll be over
at my brother's townhouse.

He's in the phone book,
the Hector Feeb family.

KING:
I doubt we'll call, but thanks.

Why are things so slow? Ugh!

Darn, darn. Oh, darn.

[GLASS SHATTERS
THEN ALARM BLARES]

CHOIR [SINGING]:
Summon the Huntsman

"Into action" is his cry!

Hunt

NARRATOR: We interrupt our program
to bring you this important message.

I'm actually a deep-voiced woman.

Now, back to our show.

On behalf of the g*ng in Marketing...

...l'd like to thank Freakazoid
for today's episode...

...and for the successful launch
of the entire Freakmobile toy line.

[CHEERING]

You're very welcome.

What can I say? It's part of my contract.

What?