01x09 - Relax-O-Vision / Fatman and Boy Blubber / Limbo Lock-Up / Terror Palace

[bunniefuu]

[STEFF PANTING]

[WHIMPERS]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

Freakazoid.

All right, Steff, what poor guy
you tormenting tonight?

I am...

Ah, ah, ah...

[SNEEZES]

CREATURE:
The Booger Beast.

Right. I quit, you win.

Kleenex.

My hero.

Hello? Anybody here?

Hmm...

[NINJAS YELLING]

Good day, I'm H.A. Futterman...

...professor of broadcast standards
here at Kids' WB...

...and you've just witnessed
Relax-O-Vision.

Relax-O-Vision is a...

Relax-O-Vision is a process...

...that inserts calming,
mirthful images into scenes...

...that might be too intense
for the kiddos watching at home.

For example, Freakazoid's extremely...

Freakazoid's extremely violent brawl
with the demon ninjas...

...was replaced
by a soothing scene of fishies...

...as they think
their happy, little, pleasant thoughts.

Now, settle back...

Now, settle back and get ready
to enjoy the first cartoon...

...ever broadcast in calming,
safe, kid-friendly...

...Relax-O-Vision.

[CHILDREN CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

[BOTH SIGH]

Thanks.

Wow! That makes over $200.

Can we please take a break?
My lips are numb.

- Mm, okay.
- Stay puckered, girls.

Be back in 15 minutes.

[ALL GRO AN]

Thanks for helping the school
raise all this money, Freakazoid.

It's awfully sweet of you.

Just doing my part, Steff.

Look how she fawns over Freakazoid.

She's the perfect bait
to lead him to his doom.

Hey, mister, can I have a balloon animal?

Here. Diprotodon optatum.

An extinct, giant, burrowing marsupial
once common to ancient Australia.

I wanted a ducky.

LOBE: There.
- Thanks.

Hey, you want a frozen banana?

Okay.

FREAKAZOID:
Two.

LOBE:
Greetings, Miss Stephanie.

Huh?

Hey, I know you.

You're that potato-head guy.

No, stay away.

No, no! Aah!

Steff, where are you?

What's all the screaming about?

Oh, now I get it.

[GRO ANING]

"Dear, Freakazoid, if you're still alive
to read this, I am holding Stephanush...

Stephanie prisoner at the Smithsonian.

Come get her if you dare." Hmm...

Hey, Freakazoid, I've got
a 2-for-1 coupon for the mud baths.

- You interested?
- Am I?

Ahh...

You know that note
you got from The Lobe?

It could be a clue
about where he's holding Steff.

By golly, Cosgrove, you're right!

Where's my towel?

Ah, no time for that now. I'm off.

Attention, Freakazoid.

This is The Lobe...

...using your girlfriend...
- Aah!

Sorry.

Using your girlfriend as bait...

...your greatest enemies and I
have lured you to your doom.

Oh! Oh, listen to the bighead man
say angry things.

[GROWLING]

FREAKAZOID:
Olé!

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[GRUNTS]

Ha!

[YELLING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[GROWLS]

Adiós, Freak-boy.

[MOOING]

[WESTERN ACCENT]
Anybody for loose-meat sandwiches?

[GASPS]

[GRUNTING]

So sweet of you to swing by, Freakazoid.

As a personal favor, please don't have
your snake squeeze me, okay?

[GRUNTS]

Swallow him.

[HISSES]

[SCREAMING]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

Thought I'd never get out of there.

Uh-oh.

Now it's our turn.

[LAUGHING]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

I probably blew the animation budget
for the whole season on that one fight.

You may have defeated my allies,
Freakazoid...

...but you'll never save the girl.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMING]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

[LAUGHING]

What? No.

No!

It's nice, but my favorites are still
sparklers and those little pellets...

...that turn into the crinkly, snake thingies
when you burn them.

[GRUNTS]

This is my most humiliating defeat.

My hero.

FREAKAZOID:
Wait, wait. Hey, hold it, enough.

Hey, pal, I've had just about enough
of this Relax-O-Vision thing.

Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do about it?

[PUNCHING, FUTTERMAN YELLING]

FUTTERMAN:
Hey.

And now something very special.

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

BO Y 1:
Hi, lard boy.

BO Y 2:
Having a sweet bun, lard boy?

My name's not lard boy, it's Louis.

Yeah, Louis. Ha, ha.

Louis the Lard Boy. Ha.

Leave me alone, will you?

Oh, sure, we'll leave you alone just as soon
as you give us your lunch money.

BO Y 2:
Yeah.

Why should I?

Because you don't need it.

- What you need is a diet.
- Ha, ha.

MAN:
Hold it right there, you little dirtbags.

[GASPS]

- Aah. Fatman.
- And Boy Blubber.

Run for it.

After them, Boy Blubber.

[BOTH PANTING]

BO Y BLUBBER:
They won't be back.

[BOTH PANTING]

I got a stitch in my side
and I've lost my freshness.

[GRUNTS]

If either of you ever again
ridicule an overweight person...

...I will personally sit on you.

[GRUNTS]

Are you okay, Louis?

I am now, Fatman. Thanks.

[GRUNTING]

You know, Louie, Blubber Boy and I
know what it's like to be overweight.

In fact, we're always on a diet.

We, like you, try to exercise,
eat sensible food, cut down on fat...

...but it's still tough fighting
the battle of the bulge.

You know, Louie,
we're on the road a lot...

...and sometimes we miss meals...

...and we end up eating fast food
and snacks...

...as we speed off
to defend our fellow overweight friends...

...from the torment and taunting
of twisted villains...

...like those two hoodlums
you just faced.

Your point is?

[CHUCKLES]

My point, Louie?

[CHUCKLES]

My point?

My point is, do you have another delicious
and yummy sweet bun in there?

Hey, let go.

Come on, Louie, let me just check.

No, that's my lunch. Unh! Unh!

Louis, it's just a sweet bun.

Knock it off.

Louis, give me that sweet bun.

No.

LOUIS: Oof!
- Boy Blubber, a little help here, please.

[ALL GRUNTING]

NARRATOR: And now, from cyberspace,
the star of our show...

... Freakazoid.

[GRUNTING]

[WHOOPING]

[INCOHERENT BABBLING]

- Excuse me.
- Bueghh?

Are you Mr. Freakazoid?

- Yes.
- We're the Idiotic Police.

And we place you under arrest
for being totally idiotic.

Who, me? Hey!

How does the defendant plead
on the count of being idiotic?

Guilty as charged.

- Now will someone please call me a lawyer?
- Okay, you're a lawyer.

Thank you.

I'll sentence you
to either 30 days in county jail...

...or 30 minutes listening to Fan Boy.

Wow, Freakazoid. Cool.

Hey, I was just talking
to Harlan on the Internet...

...and I told him I hadn't seen
a good cyberspace scene...

...like this one since Tron.

Which is not the film that broke the bank
at Disney in 1983, as some believe.

No. Tron came out in '82, three years
after Disney's The Black Hole...

...which was movieland's equivalent
to the Hindenburg.

What a disaster.

And the robots?

They made R2-D2
look like Laurence Olivier.

Lock me up and throw away the key.

Ahh...

[SIRENS WAILING]

[SIGHS]

Sweet peace.

FAN BO Y:
So anyway, back to 1983 at Disney...

...their big film that bombed
in '83 wasn't Tron.

It was
Something Wicked This Way Comes...

...which is actually pretty fun.

But it comes across too soft,
and it lost a fortune.

Anyway, that brought about the arrival
of Eisner and Katzenberg.

- And slowly but surely...
- Summon the Huntsman, please.

[PLAYING FANFARE]

[BEAR GROWLING]

[FANFARE PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

[FANFARE PLAYING]

[FANFARE PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

Ahh. Huh?

What's up, Lieutenant King?

The Lobe back in town? Cave Guy?

KING:
Sorry, Huntsman, false alarm.

Some dumb rookie was screwing around
with the Horn of Urgency.

- I chewed him out real good.
- Darn.

What can I say, Huntsman?
Crime is still down.

I'm lucky to have a job.

Darn the luck. Darn.

Well, maybe I'll go
to the all-night aquarium.

KING: Mm. Aquariums are supposed
to be very relaxing.

I like watching the pollyfish.

They're so comical.

Wanna go?

KING:
No, I don't watch fish. I eat them.

Page me if anything comes up.

KING:
Fat chance, but thanks, anyway.

[SIGHS]

Darn this slow period.

Darn. Darn it.

How's an active man supposed
to keep busy if no one cooperates?

Darn.

My heavens.

What if they've hired another hero
behind my back?

[GRUNTS]

[GLASS SMASHES, ALARM RINGING]

And now, a shot of the busy freeway.