03x03 - Sidekicks Don't Kiss

[bunniefuu]

Arthur: So, I was back in
my old accounting office

except it was all... weird.

{\an8}And I was getting this performance
review from Mr. Weiderspahn,

{\an8}only, like, he wasn't Mr. Weiderspahn,

{\an8}he was... he was like, a woman!

{\an8}Or a cat!

And it was saying, "We have
reviewed your performance,

and have found it to be
flaccid and disappointing."

And that's when I realized I...

I wasn't wearing any pants.

And then I was on a roof,

and Carmelita flew by.

So I ran to the edge of the roof

and I jumped.

But I didn't have my wings on!

And that's when I woke up screaming.

[chuckles]
Crazy, huh?

The meaning is very clear, Arthur.

Always wear pants. Always wear your wings.

And don't fall for Carmelita.

Die Fledermaus: Sounds
to me like he already has.

Wow! We made great time.

Oh. Oh I'm so sorry! I didn't--

Don't worry about that!

This is one of Dad's inventions.

The disposable roadster.

Wait itlan here itlan.

We'll only itlan
be a minute itlan.

Hurry itlan!

Huh. Question:

why would ancient Aztecs
be going to the movies?

Answer: forthcoming!

Oh, my darling, it's been so long.

So very, very long.

Every second has seemed like a minute.

Every minute like an hour!

Every hour like a day.

Yee! Mushy.

Tick! What are you doing here?!

Oh, hi-- Oh... Hi Arthur.

Carmelita.

What are you doing here?!

You're following us!

No, I was following a
g*ng of Aztec warriors!

Oh, that is so lame!

Shh!

Oh... We'll talk about this later.

Go away! Now!

Oh, Arthur. It's so sweet
the way he checks up on you!

Yes. Yes I know it.

And you've been so very, very far from me.

Every inch has seemed like a foot.

Every foot like a yard.
Every yard like a furlong.

Every furlong like a mile.

I see her itlan!

Wait itlan... there's two of her itlan.

Arthur: Carmelita.

Yes, Arthur?

Uh, do... do you, um...

Can I, uh...

Can I get you some popcorn?

She's getting up itlan.

Get the net itlan!

[grumbles]
Love Under Siege.

Where's the siege, Arthur?

I'm ignoring you, Tick.

Pfft... Aztec warriors!

Take cover, my love;
Messerschmitts at 3 o'clock!

Ah!

Yes! Siege. Siege!

Tick, help!

Tick! I'm not ignoring you anymore!

Ah! Aztecs!

Tick! You were right!

[Arthur screams]

[continued screaming]

Aztec: Carmelita,
don't try to fight us, itlan.

Ancient peoples; leggo my partner!

Huh? Uh oh! She's got a boyfriend!

Theatergoer: Hey, down in front!

Oh, err... sorry! Heh.

[Tick screams]

Arthur!

That does it. You've
pushed me over the edge!

Prepare to be conquered!

[punches landing]

Carmelita: Tick! What are you doing?!

Uh, heh... ooh. Sorry, citizen.

Arthur: Help!

Airport, itlan!

Step on itlan!

The Luftwaffe has stolen my girlfriend!

The Aztecs stole my sidekick!

[patrons shushing]

PA: Final call for boarding, Air Itlan,

flight 34 to Mexico City.

Air Itlan, flight 34.

[Tick stammers]

[sobs]

Ah, don't beat yourself up, Tick.

You came real close!

And at least now we
know where they're headed.

Yeah, but that was the red-eye express!

No more flights 'til tomorrow!

Don't be so sure.

Man, your dad's wicked-slick!

Aztec: Wally itlan! We're back itlan.

[all straining]

You brought her all the way in that itlan?!

But you said itlan--

That's no way to treat Carmelita!
She's... she's one of us.

Release her at once!

Carmelita... Carmelita.

It's been 15 long years and I've
never stopped thinking about you.

You were beautiful!

You smelled nice.

And you didn't throw like a girl.

Let go! Let go of me!

Carmelita?!

Ooh... The years have not
been kind itlan to you itlan.

I'm not Carmelita. Who are you people?

What itlan is with
this fat rabbit guy itlan!

Wally, man, it's the costume itlan.

There were two of them. We--

Fat?! Rabbit?

She was wearing the
same thing itlan. It was dark--

Silence itlan!

You itlan! What were you doing
itlan with Carmelita Vatos itlan?

Nothing! We sat...

We were just watching a movie.

Movie itlan? Were your parents there?

What? Well of course not!

Then it was a date itlan!

You're her boyfriend?!

Take this wuss to the dungeon itlan.

Ah!

What itlan are we going
to do itlan with him?

Hmm... What itlan would
the ancients do itlan?

We'll consult...

The book!

Incredible.

Did you know the Aztecs
were sun-worshipers?

And they used chocolate beans for money!

Come on, how tough could they be?

That doesn't sound right...
Where are you getting all this from?

This amazing book I bought at the snack
bar when we stopped for gas in Texas!

Carmelita: Look! There's
another Aztec ruin below.

I'm bringing her in.

Tick: They could make
eclipses with their minds,

they kept fire-breathing monkeys as pets...

Man, those Aztecs did everything!

Oh! Empty.

Slow night in Aztec city.

Hola, amigos. What is it that you seek?

Ah! Who's that guy?

I am Cordoroy Cordoba, man of mystery!

And night watchman here at the park.

We're looking for a bunch of Aztecs.

Then I am afraid you
are 400 years too late.

There are no more Aztecs in Mexico.

Yes there are! They kidnapped
my best friend last night!

Oh... those Aztecs.

I hate those guys!

Always with the "itlan, itlan, itlan!"

[shudders]
How annoying!

You know them?!

Sí, sí. They are always stealing
things from the ruins snack bar at night!

Wait a minute, I thought you
said there were no more Aztecs.

Oh, these are not real Aztecs, amigo azul.

They are, how you say, falsos.

Aztecos nuevos.

Just a bunch of jerks
who pretend to be Aztecs.

Well, do you know where they live?

Sí. I will show you on the map.

It's not far by plane.

Come on, chum, let's go!

Tick, you called me chum!

Just like you call Arthur.

Err, no I didn't!

I said, uh, "Carm" for Carmelita.

Ah ah ah! You said chum.

Tick, that is so sweet!

Ah!

Sidekicks don't kiss!

You're so... You're so not Arthur!

You dress like Arthur. Oh,
yeah, you're soft like Arthur,

but you curve in all the wrong places!

O-kay...

[snores]

Rise and shine itlan, geek.

Wha-- Ah!

We consulted the ancient tomes itlan,

and decided your fate itlan!

What have you weirdos done to me?!

We've prepared you for marriage itlan.

I sent for Carmelita itlan with the
intention of making her my bride itlan.

So, since you're so fond
itlan of impersonating her,

a bride itlan you shall be itlan!

[cackles]

Y'know... y'know, I get it now! I get it!

Ha! This is another dream!

Yeah. Yeah. Am I wearing pants this time?

[laughs]

As punishment itlan
for insulting the king itlan,

on what should have
been his wedding itlan day,

we will marry you to the
lowest creature in the jungle!

Itlan!

[continued laughing]
And offer you both up to our god itlan!

We're gonna feed you to the sun.

[gasps]
There's the crater!

Tick: And there's the secret city.

[all chant]
Let's go Wally! Put it away. Hey hey!

I now pronounce you

breakfast itlan!

Wow... this is actually pretty scary!

Come on, Wally!

No batter! No batter!

[Arthur screams]

[screams fade]

I'm circling the city. Do you see Arthur?

Yes! He's flying right at us!

Carmelita: Without wings!

Tick! Take the stick!

Is... is he wearing a dress?

[thuds]
[Tick gasps]

What is going on?!

Carmelita! The savages
are sh**ting dogs at us!

I'm not waking up...

It's not a dream!

Arthur!

Going! Going! Aww...
[disappointed groans]

Okay itlan, Aztecs, after them!

Carmelita, quick! Do you have any
more of your father's inventions on you?

Y'know, something that
might get us outta this?

I've got some really
good instant coffee, but--

Carmelita?

Justin?!

Eddy?

Danny? Lloyd!

Doug!

You know these guys? Who are they?

They're the Aztecs!

No, they're really not--

Not the Aztecs, the Aztecs!

Definitely a dream.

It's not a dream, Arthur.

These are the Deertown Aztecs.

My old grade-school baseball team!

[Aztecs chant]


Lita! Lita! Carmelita!

Okay, if this isn't a dream, then
what was that creepy dog all about?

Well, that certainly was some crash.

Are you alright, Tick?

Uhh... excuse me?

Are you speaking to me?

To whom else would I be speaking?

Oh, I dunno... hmm...

Oh, hey! You're speaking.

The book didn't say anything
about talking Aztec dogs.

You saved my life, Tick, and for
that I will be your loyal pet forever.

It's the law of the jungle.

Oh, I'll call you "Speak!"

Because that's what you do.

[giggles]

Oh... I don't know if we can
have pets in the apartment.

I'll have to ask Arthur.

Arthur! My sidekick!

My chum!

I've gotta save Arthur.

Speak, you're wise; tell me
how to get to that secret city!

[grunts]

Carmelita, it's finally you itlan.

Wally?

Wally Head?!

What are you doing in Arthur's wings?

You like 'em? I wore
'em just for you itlan.

What... what is that "itlan"
thing you keep doing?

You don't like itlan?

I'll stop itlan.

Hey, everyone! Hey guys! Listen up!

I now decree that we stop
saying "itlan" all the time!

Yes, sir, that Carmelita had talent.

She could hit, she could throw.

What a darned shame
when she sprained her ankle

right before the
international championships.

We woulda won for
sure with her on the team!

Well, y'know, if we'd ever
actually gotten to the game.

Why? What happened?

Well, the kids, they were
acting up on the plane:

sh**ting spitballs, running
around. You know how kids can be!

The pilot, he just couldn't
take it anymore and bailed out.

Name was "Cordoroy" something-or-other.

Well, you can imagine
what happened after that.

[grunts]
Unsettling trend!

Wally: We crashed right
near these cool Aztec ruins.

I had a book on ancient Mexico,
so I knew all about this stuff!

We decided to stay, and
live like real live Aztecs!

Isn't it great?!

No parents, no school, no coach
telling you what to do all the time.

There was only one thing
missing, Carmelita: you.

Our star shortstop, and...

the only girl I ever loved.

Now you and I can get married and--

We can what?!

You know, just like you promised.

You said when we grew up, you'd marry me.

I was eleven!

I only held your hand once!

And obviously you haven't grown up yet.

Wh... What do you--

Tick: Sun-worshiping dog
launchers, you face The Tick!

And his dog, Speak!
[Speak groans]

Wally: Get him, guys!

[all chant]
Aztecs! Aztecs! Aztecs!

[Tick laughs mirthfully]

Neener neener neener!

Stay back, loser!

I've got a crystal skull!

Ah! Speak, cover your head!

[Wally cackles]

Sucker.

Carmelita: No, Tick! He's bluffing!

It's just a baseball!

[wood cracks]

So we're tied nine-nine at
the bottom of the second,

two men on, and little
Davey steps up to the plate.

First pitch a floater, high and outside.

Swing and a miss; strike one!

[Tick grunts]

Tick! Where's Carmelita?

Uh, well the guy with the big hat took her!

And he's wearing your wings, man.

That does it! He's history.

Tick, get us outta here!

All: Whoa!

Tick: Boulder hazard!

Booby traps; my temple's
crawling with them!

Right! Then, uh, press on boys!

Snake hazard!

Hurry boys! I'm your
human bridge to safety.

It's all in the timing, chum. Ready--

Tick, no! It's hopeless.

This place is a labyrinth of terror.

Huh. I see your point.

Time to unravel this Gordian knot!

[wall crashes]

Spoon!

Let me at him! C'mere you!

I'm gonna... wha-- Huh?!

Coach: Ah, looks like she
threw Wally a little chin music!

Way to brush 'em back, Lita!

Well, a gal's gotta know
how to take care of herself.

I got your wings back, Arthur.

Tick: Well, I hope you boys
have learned your lesson.

In love, there's a right way
and a wrong way to do things.

The right way is to take
someone to a movie.

The wrong way is to take
someone from a movie.

Because kidnapping is just plain wrong!

And not only that, it's
wrong in the eyes of the law.

Wally, I'm pretty sure
they'll try you as an adult.

And I'm not talking
about detention, neither.

I'm talking about detention!

And what have we learned about Aztecs?

Well, nothing really.

Because you can't
trust everything you read!

Especially in history books
you get from gas stations.

But you can trust Speak!

Right, boy?

[Speak groans]

Uh, Tick... you're not
planning on keeping that thing.

Now, boys, don't be a bunch of sore losers.

Don't you have something
to say to The Tick?

Nice game.

Nice game.
Nice game, man.

Yeah, nice game.
Nice game.

Kiehl Stoker writes: Dear Tick,

If carp were flying backwards in Spain,

and pandas were doing hand-stands in China,

how much rain would my town get?

This letter is clearly the
result of too much spinning!

I know kids love to spin round and round
on the emerald lawns of Anytown, USA.

Why, I love a good spin myself!

But you're spinning your tight
melon into a kaleidoscope of crazy!

Kiehl...

Spinning and writing letters don't mix.