02x11 - "Kazoo's Coming to Dinner"

[bunniefuu]

let me tell you about my family

that time again

let's take a look and see what you have

[Music]

it's like we

okay cleanse train a and train B leave

the station two hours apart train a

travels at 30 miles per a person's whole

life can be defined by a single

formative experience years later some

people pay professionals to help them

remember that experience any volunteers

class anyone Louie why don't you come up

to the board and help me

[Music]

not me I'd give my life savings for

anything about me forget it wasn't

nearly as bad as the time you spit up

all over the board in Latin class

remember a*mo doesn't matter what I do

every time I stand in front of the class

again laughs that well cheer up your day

can only get better from here see you

later

[Applause]

[Music]

there's no place like home look at this

down there's nowhere like a nice good

thing - can you imagine - dumps like

this hey it's a joke kid have a little

thumb pump a little warrant no problem

oh there's a man's room in there no no

not that kind of pump pump

I tell you joke you'll give me a proper

look I'll give an example this town is

so small then if the dog dies they gotta

close the zoo boo boo hey good day you

live around here

maybe hey yeah do you know where I can

find out a woman named Horace Sherman

now this woman she was quite alone you

know what I mean

really yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he

always gave you quite odd ching ching

ching ching you know what I mean I have

no idea what you're talking about

and the only I know his aura

Anderson my mother your mother she got

married I don't know I missed it you

gotta peepers

that's just a my show tonight come on by

oh by the way bring your mother

hey what's your name what's my name

what is a jump that's me dude hi Marty

no doesn't ring any bells the orange

juice goes in the refrigerator of course

it does

are you sure he's heard of you you know

it could be someone I went to high

school with

I bought soap you did you put it in the

freezer well we want to keep it fresh

that's fresh you gave me tickets to a

show

hey rigid these cons and why would you

pay good money to go here a comedian

when you could stay here and listen to

me for free boom boom many people don't

know this but I'm quite a funny guy in

there and I used to give Bravo Company

crabs from laughing so hard yeah that

could have been from the chili

always check the expiration date on

pinto beans Chloe can we go on the show

please oh I don't think so Louie I don't

want you exposed to comedians they're

cruel and heartless people and please

the tickets were free free

come on are the prices right you'll pay

later you boys go ahead I'm not

interested

[Music]

that could cause me on Monday it says

mati I got good news and I got bad news

the good news is you got five days to

live bad news is I was supposed to tell

you last Friday yeah forgot to charge me

I'm sick so I say doc no offense but I

want a second opinion

so the doctor says okay you're sick and

you're ugly that's the worst joke I ever

heard who is this guy

wouldn't you love to get inside his head

FP they can all go inside everybody

suddenly I knew what I wanted to be when

I grew up inside this guy said hey maybe

we should all go you know there's wrong

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

let's say my polka dot

wellmaybe strikes thank it I'm gonna

help me out here this one Fortis well

that one doesn't match at all no one's

even worse just so sad your mother liked

the show oh wow the truth is my mom

couldn't make it she wasn't there she

must have been crushed missing me and

all hah yeah whatever but the good news

is I decided I want to be a comedian I

figured you could teach me hey wait a

minute

you would think comedy is something you

can just pick up like that comedies are

not it's an exact science is that water

too cold let's say out yeah show you a

few things

what's in it for me I can wash your car

no car got a limo I could clean your

halls I'm in the hotel that makes dinner

I could offer you a home-cooked meal

this is getting kind of weird kid you

cook no mother does it's been here since

I had all her sweet potatoes they were

incredible creamy she used to use a

whole stick of butter these days two

sticks of butter big family

Louie you got a deal

now that's comedy we heard you got some

competition yeah or as little flavors

back in town huh flame flame I'm her no

flaming inferno well that's what she

calls me and what does she call Martin

together thank you

I don't know Andy you know what they say

a girl never forgets her first comedian

[Music]

just for one meal

I'm sorry Louie but the answer is still

no one you know the rule

no comedians and mouths it's a new rule

well what have I become a comedian

you're gonna kick me all whoa Louie

don't be silly you're not gonna become a

comedian

[Music]

and then waking up did I

[Music]

[Applause]

wow you forever

hugs and kisses

all right now look at him tell me what

you see know some guy that's not just

some guy that's some guy wearing the

world's ugliest toupee hey nice

hairpiece buddy what's the problem your

dog too lazy to walk that's comedy

watch this oh what a beautiful baby oh

thank you

which end is up see Louie

the key to travel is this you find

someone's weak spot and then you

explored it from now to forever now you

take this guy for example these ball

Bryant ba*ls

hey chrome dome you want to point your

skull somewhere else you're blinding me

hmm never forget these two very

important voice Louie just kidding

haven't everyone in kazoos shows who

they're I had the best seat minutes now

not only was this guy completely bald

but he was about eight feet tall so I

says to him hey stretch

what's the problem here doesn't go at

that elevation not enough action

and in school I practiced everything he

taught me hey guys check out Craig Eric

hey Craig the airport just called they

want to borrow your shirt to help land

planes just kidding making everyone

laugh like that the greatest feeling in

the world

yeah how about Craig Eric's fist how did

that feel

you don't understand that at all look

even th*gs have feelings that in your

heart is when I said the magic words

what I'm sorry no just kidding me well

if you're gonna do this for a living

Louie you need to find some new magic

words yeah that or learn how to run

faster all right Louie final exam time

you sure I'm ready we'll see show me

what you got

lose 30 seconds go hey lady I think you

missed a spot

she's one time I saw a mouth like that

there was a hook in it

bullseye hey pal who's walking your dog

trained you to bring in the newspaper

yup two for two

bonus round go

they love dumbbells lifting dumbbells

amazing they discovered Siamese twins

you're sharing a single brain so that's

better come on come on give me one win

it out nice cologne guys what is that

essence of armpit you think you can come

up with five minutes of material are you

serious you put together five solid

minutes now Saturday night I'll bring

out at the end of my act you're kidding

final lesson kid when it comes to my act

I don't kick I don't believe it

I gotta get started what your mother hey

same to you no I mean your mother get

part of the deal remember I'm still

looking for my home-cooked dinner

oh yeah hmm it's getting a little tricky

but every Thursday afternoon she goes

grocery shopping and every Tuesday

morning i flossed my teeth so what so

let's just saying you happen to be in

the frozen food aisle at 5:30 tomorrow

and I happen to run into her we check

one thing leads to another

hey I like the way you think kid combat

flashbacks I get every

Oh Randy you haven't had one of those in

days you ever get flashbacks huh of

course not what would I be flashing back

to Wow let's say you suddenly started

getting flashbacks to say in high school

I'd be well what an odd question when

can I say I'm an odd guy alright you're

flashing back to high school maybe it's

a prom night

who's there well I don't know I guess

the people I was close to for a door oh

that's a good deal

wait a second when did you develop a

taste for Brussels sprouts Louie Laura

all uh Simon is it really you I heard

you were back in town yes you do have a

lot of catching up to do see you later

I'll be over in Candide

so Martin isn't this a fine coincidence

you know you never gave me an answer or

I'm sure I have no idea what you're

talking about

hey I asked you to marry him he deserves

an answer I never gave you an answer

because I'd already stopped talking to

you the answer should have been obvious

just for your information it's aura

[Music]

never doubt your for a second there

[Music]

I mean you could have married him you

could have been mrs. kazoo I don't want

to talk about it Louie come on mom why

didn't you marry him

all right Louie what I'm going to tell

you doesn't leave this car back in high

school Martin and I were going steady

that is until the night of the senior

talent show Hey

thank you ladies and James I love you

guys hey let me tell you about my girl

she's an angel I mean a real angel me

Shihab something all the time

my girlfriend's always telling me why

you're never apologized not once you're

never ever apologized so I tell her all

right how's this I'm sorry I ever met

you and after that night I stopped

speaking 20 well I was just kidding

that's exactly what he said

hey thank you ladies and gents so the

path says I know what I'm in here for

but what did the techie do thank you

thank you very much ladies and gentlemen

hey I love seniors but I gotta say this

about your town you people sure know how

to eat I mean I've never seen fatter

kids anywhere else in the world

what are you feeling his kids I mean

these kids are so fat I hate the state

is gonna give a couple of them they're

on zip code you've got an

all-you-can-eat buffet with these kids

and you gotta be careful you don't lose

a hand thank you thank you very much

later gentlemen now I've got a very

special guest for the seasons one of

Cedar Knolls own homegrown comedians

Mickey is the dual performance please

give a warm welcome to Louie Anderson

Louie Anderson

[Music]

[Applause]

very unprofessional kid you don't get to

Vegas by skipping performances and what

are you so upset about anyway how could

you do those jokes watch honks the fat

jokes that's what's been bothering you

come on they want aimed at you that's

the business kid yet

you can't take this stuff so personally

I mean you know with jokes that's all

you're just kidding of course one have a

good lie now tell me funny boy

how'd you like the world of performance

or not comedy they hate it I'm retiring

don't do it that'd be a big mistake

you're a funny kid

you mean funny goofy or funny ha ha

remain funny

well go on better you're funny

[Music]

what's all this

your father called me from the theater

told me about your debut

there was no debut that's what he told

me so I was thinking you could have your

debut right here good idea what about

your role you know no comedians in the

house I decided the rule needs to be

revised now it all just depends on the

comedian oh no not like mr. Kazu that's

right you're not I don't think I could

spend my life insulting people for a

living

then don't insult find your own voice

Louie where do I find that no Louie look

around

[Music]

[Music]

heroes nothing my my name is Louie

Anderson my five brothers and five

sisters of my family 11 kids yeah some

of them starved younger brothers are the

best they're so easy to tease you just

get up in the morning but on the

breakfast look across the table and do

this you do that long enough you'll hear

this every time

Louise looking at me again oh is that

bothering you

what is it against we'll all look at

people now look at mom does this bother

you

hey my sister I love my sister's all

five of them best thing about sisters is

and get away with anything by just gone

dad dad I lost my homework that's okay

honey

[Music]

dan I robbed a bank

that's okay sweet cakes was Louie around

[Music]

I'm collect stuff up in the attic right

now there's a box for a toaster she

picked up a garage sales there's a mom

will you throw those out she said your

father could always fix those toasters

Louie you know right remember the time

dad fix the TV and a watch bonanza with

our heads tilted yeah my dad can fix

anything

visually but already works one day's

Rambler didn't start so we tore the ante

of the park later why not it ran out of

gas

anyway