03x10 - Family Portrait

[bunniefuu]

oh right let me tell you about my family

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it's Lively

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in Cedar Knoll Wisconsin winters seem to

last nine months of the year but each

December just when it seemed the kid

couldn't take the cold anymore an oasis

appeared in the sub-freezing desert

there's a five dollar limit for each of

you and that's final

oh I'm sure you'll both find something

nice yeah Tommy you asked for the

letters a through out the letters M

through Z and the next year we'll get

the board and we can spell up thank you

Dad now five dollars back then was worth

a lot more than it is now but it still

wasn't enough to buy the real cool stuff

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Wow you think you'll get on skates and

I've even been doing extra chores around

the house lately I asked my parents for

ice skates but I'm getting a D and

spelling think I have a chance try my

technique when you're with your folks

and you see a present you really want

get it real quiet looking at it let a

single tear fall down you're cheap then

just turn around and walk away I don't

know five bucks won't buy a pair of ice

skates I'd be lucky to even get the

laces your family doing anything special

this year

not really anything's got to be better

than Christmas dinner at my house it's a

zoo all your relatives coming over to

your place too I don't think so anyone

want to play horse I will

horse again boys and girls we have a

very special guest here today say hello

to Santa Claus what do you think it's

Christmas Carol how about a lullaby

maybe you could put these little world

debates of sleep let's all pay attention

to Santa as he sings deck the halls

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[Laughter]

[Laughter]

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come on everybody where all our presents

Santa demons oh that's not so bad I'll

have this fixed in a jiffy don't bother

my Saturdays are over I'll never wear

red again Oh Randy you don't mean that

forget it all this Santa's retired gee I

wonder how Christmas won't survive Andy

I volunteered you to play Santa at the

cedar Knoll

orphanage this year you wife why don't

you just put me back in active duty the

Women's Auxiliary needs a Santa to give

out the gifts you're barking up the

wrong Santa here all right but Andy it's

Christmas and they're orphans orphans

bag jeez dad have a heart I gave it to

the tin man

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buddy

it looks like the order in my favor

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[Applause]

ready Louie particularly just be ready

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you know with your brother Eric this

morning I invited him and his family

here for Christmas dinner your mother

too sharp so Louie have you decided what

to ask Santa for Christmas with a five

dollar limit the possibilities are

simply endless one thinking nail

clippers are a refrigerator magnet at

this point When I was your age I was

lucky to get a lump of coal for

Christmas

in fact I'd have to use it to keep me

warm for most of the winter

yeah well that explains a lot thanks for

the suggestion dad

well you'll think of something and then

we'll write a letter to Santa together

besides there's a lot more to Christmas

than getting yeah don't forget the park

know where the annoying relatives invade

your house and ruin the entire holiday

hey check out the orphanage look at the

size of that big would it be cool living

in that place yeah and no parents to

tell you what to do I've got an idea

why don't we go down the other side of

the hill what'd I say

that's concussion corridor no kid has

ever sled down it and lived except Glen

Glen oh it doesn't look that tough to me

I'll bet you with Lois steering we could

make it all the way down what do you say

oh did I mention they call it concussion

corridor did I mention they call this

concussion corridor

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you see how Haley went free that was

really fun

who wants to come in for a hot chocolate

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she's a mind-reader thank you very much

mrs. Anderson

oh you're welcome you kids have fun now

but you believe all the nights never

comics lips you've got Louise hey Louie

where's your electric football game

somewhere in the closet you've got

electric football I've seen you play

basketball you're the best

oh thanks kids little brothers can be so

annoying

okay to me must be fun to have such a

big family try three-ring circus you

just witnessed the train cos don't give

anything if I could be an only child

take it from me being an only child

isn't as fun as you might think would

anyone like any homemade sugar cookies

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your family's so cool

you haven't met corporal keister yet

thanks again I had a really great time

Leonard Teague well nicest boy he goes

the luckiest guy ever he's handsome he's

popular he's the best athlete at school

he's an only child he's gone everything

I'd say he's pretty smart too why's that

because he's decided to be friends with

you come on Louie

five bucks has to be able to buy

something cool in this town for five

bucks I can't even get the batteries for

that truck maybe you should ask for a

book did you just use a lighter George

sorry what was the case how about a

gumball machine it costs five bucks yeah

without the gumballs what am I gonna do

if I don't come up with something my dad

said Santa's gonna bring me in a freeze

for the Rambler dad sounds really funny

it's no joke I got a flywheel for my

seventh birthday you're too skinny now

remember the gifts donated from the toy

store

I'll have labels on them make sure you

get the right gifts for the right kids

ah

I can read know where the gaps that

should be them right now delivery for

Anderson

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Wow take a look at Santa's little

helpers that one for all

trick-or-treat oh you're both adorable

you think maybe I could be adorable my

regular clothes Wow time's a-wastin

let's get a move on before I pass out

from what they see my boxes where do you

think I'm going you can't just walk

through the front door Santa has to come

down the chimney don't go down the

chimney what are you nuts

Santa's gotta come down the chimney

Santa's gotta come down the chimney kids

I mean I'll be right behind you now

that's a real comfort kid

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right here dad according to the Santa's

little helpers handbook we get to go

through the front door who's ready for

their gifts

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thank you thank Santa Paul 99 plus tax

in case you want to know your name

antenna 1815 damn boy why don't you do

Santa a favor and brush the snow off the

ramble I mean the slang the last present

goes to a wrassle frassle brass rusty

going wants Russia hearing thanks

Russell why do they call you Tico I'm

the oldest one here so they call me

antique or cheap for sure

hi Tico hi mrs. Anderson don't you want

to open up your present okay doctor

train that's $29.99 you want to help me

set it up sure why not I'll never get

one

[Applause]

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I'm you didn't tell me you lived in an

orphanage no no embarrassed I guess

bears the one look what I have to deal

with Dean Martin over there I just don't

like bringing it up especially this time

of year really lucky to have your

parents and all those brothers and

sisters hey mr. Anderson do you think

you could sing us another Christmas

Carol I'll be right back mom dad I

decided what I want for my present

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I want Kiko to be able to spend

Christmas Day with our family just what

we need another mouth

jeez daddy's not that bad it shouldn't

cost more than five bucks to feed them

the whole neighborhood they can take

ships ready in our refrigerator you sure

you wouldn't rather have a real

presently come on mom

Christmas isn't just about getting gifts

that's right Lois nah I think if it's

all right with the orphanage it's all

right with us Nadine since when did our

house become the local smorgasbord old

food shelf Anderson it's service open

the door into this house hey why didn't

I think of that where do we set up

tables of the yard

I can't remember when I had more fun

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push son are you anyways

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he's the one who's never had a date I

heard that if I don't you say grace I

can't say if you're listening big guy

thanks for the vittles and thanks for

bringing our family together

alright bigger that was very nice Andy

yeah I didn't mean you eat up everyone

there's plenty more

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I'm sorry she doesn't speak English

she's Dutch she just came over with

adopted heir I told her you wouldn't be

able to speak to Andy has that car of

yours kicked yet for engine changes

three ring jobs still driving on the

original tires same battery all this

time cuz I keep the water fill you need

upgrade to a luxury car like mom and me

I'll stick with the real man's form of

transportation hey check out my new

camera its state-of-the-art let me tell

you it cost me a pretty penny hey

everybody let's take a family picture

with my new camera what a great idea

come on now gather round everybody

how about if I take the picture great

idea

wait a minute what about Tico shouldn't

he be in the picture of course it should

take oh why don't you join us

don't worry about it wait I've got an

idea

we'll use the timer everyone get in

position okay everybody say Wisconsin

[Applause]

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Tico and I have the best Christmas ever

that year sometimes the best gift you

can get is the spend time with somebody

you really like you play games Christmas

well migraine headaches web and children

screaming ten hour workdays nine they

were suing hey doctor barking seven

chores awaiting six repairmen pounding

till I kick for utility bills three

mortgages two weeks off a year and stand

by me throughout

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I should have been

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