01x04 - Model 'T' for Ted

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I had been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

Wyld Stallyns Rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still

♪ And trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future

♪ We must learn about the past

Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures ♪

BOTH: Bogus!

♪ Most outstanding every day!

♪ It's outrageous! So bodacious!

♪ Help is always on the way!

♪ Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party that's for sure

♪ Bill and Ted's Most Excellent Adventures! ♪

BOTH: Most Triumphant!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

DETECTIVE LOGAN: I don't believe this.

Do you have any idea what you're doing?

Most assuredly, respected father figure.

I am enjoying this surprise-filled driving lesson

in your most macho squad car.

(SHOUTS)

Son, maybe we should go back to the basics.

The turn signal is that lever over there.

Indeed!

Excellent! You cop dudes have a most colorful way to signal a turn!

No! That lever!

No problemo.

SLEEPY NEIGHBORS: What's going on?

So early in the morning? All that noise!

What's the racket?

I'm gonna get the law on you!

Oh, it is the law.

Give me that!

Ted, maybe we better get off the streets.

Utmost total agreement!

Which way to the freeway?

Forget it.

We're going home before I become a nervous wreck

and the car is just plain wrecked!

Excellent! I'll spend the rest of the day

practicing my parallel parking!

Ted, let me make myself perfectly clear.

Your driving lesson is over today, tomorrow... Forever!

Multiple happiness! I'm that good!

Looks like Ted finished another driving lesson.

It's safe to go out again!

What a momentous occasion!

Soon the Bill ampersand Ted duo will acquire

something we have been sorely lacking.

What's that? Brains?

Obnoxious youth, I am referring to "wheels."

Hail! Driving lesson number 41 went most outstandingly!

As I knew it would, Ted.

Then we must waste no time and drive to Abdul's record store

to purchase the new Iron Maiden CD before it is sold out!

A true emergency.

But we are lacking a vehicle

and Abdul's is too far to walk.

It's only five blocks!

Oh, but these are new sneakers and we do not want to wear them out!

Well, there's always Blue Betty.

A most outstanding and notable suggestion.

Not!

Ted, what is the reason for "not?"

It's a classic 1973 Plymouth Duster.

No one drives it except dad.

If the merest scratch could be seen in its over-waxed surface,

I would be most heinously deported

to green military academy in Alaska!

But you are an expert motorist, Ted,

with over 40 drivers lessons.

True.

However I possess a mere Learner's permit.

Requiring the presence of a licensed adult-type in the car.

(THUDS)

Hi, guys.

Sorry to bust in like this,

but the important people slipped me an extra gig.

Rufus!

Am I correct to assume from your slightly wrinkled bod

that you are over 21?

That's a safe assumption.

Any who, I gotta take your phone booth back to the factory

for its 20,000 year checkup. So...

BOTH: Our adult!

Sort of!

Bill and I are most appreciative that you're going to help us out.

Yes, Rufus. Abdul's opens in nine and a half minutes!

Okay, but let's get a move on.

I've got mucho stuff to do today.

BILL: Rufus, your advice is needed

before we reach the moment of impact!

My advice is to bail!

MAN: Road hog!

Get off the street, you're blocking traffic!

I would say I am driving most superbly in gear numero uno.

Especially with the parking brake activated.

BILL: Absolutely, Ted.

We should open the windows

so we can better hear the cheering of the other drivers.

TED: An outstanding suggestion.

Ted, it appears we are no longer progressing in a forward direction.

Perhaps Rufus can impart some wisdom in this situation?

Sure. It's right here in the owner's manual index,

under "P" for...

(SHOUTS) Panic!

MAN 1: Get outta here!

MAN 2: What's the problem, you bonehead.

WOMAN: Don't you know how to drive!

(PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Ted, this is the ultimate bogusness.

Au contraire, Bill.

Somehow I have a feeling things are about to get bog user.

would you say is not operating in the proper factory authorized way?

I do not know.

But I feel certain that Rufus, being supremely knowledgeable,

can tell us what's wrong with our engine.

What's an "engine?"

OFFICER: This is mobile 8.

We got reports coming in about some bonehead

who has traffic tied up in front of the Kozy Korner.

Can you send a unit?

I'll handle it.

Nothing makes my blood boil more

than a bonehead that ties up traffic!

WOMAN: What's taking so long? I gotta get to work!

MAN: Haul away that clunke.

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

I'll just take a stab at it. Let's see.

Eeny, meenie, curley, moe.

BILL: Ted...

TED: Bill...

After you. I insist.

It appears we cannot depend on Rufus's Knowledge

to fix my high-strung father's precious vehicle.

And therefore...

My thoughts precisely, Ted.

Perhaps we might get help from history.

BOTH: Excellent!

(IMITATES PLAYING ELECTRONIC GUITAR)

Go ahead. But be careful.

That booth's checkup is way overdue.

You guys are on borrowed time.

It might act up if it's not serviced!

In the affirmative, Rufus!

Ted, the Plymouth needs major servicing as well.

Hombre, check out repair-type places

in the circuits of time directory.

Pastas, periscopes, passover...

Plymouth!

(DIALING)

(SHOUTING)

Putith your backs to your paddling, pilgrims.

The new land is uponth us.

We are already uponth the land!

Yipeth!

Whoa!

Gadzooks!

I stubbed my toeth on that dumb rock!

(GOBBLING)

(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

Bill,

would you say we have arrived at a car repair place?

Ted, I have some serious doubts.

Lookth... Uncivilized heathens!

Greetings!

Say can any of you dour dudes

in black and white fix a car?

Huh? I am not a "dude," whatever that is.

I am Myles Standish.

Whoith are youith?

And what are you doing on our beach?

We were hoping one of you could de-klunk our Plymouth.

(MUFFLING) Pray tell, what's a "Plymouth?"

Well, it about as big as that exceedingly splendid rock over there.

Excellent analogy, Ted.

Plus like the rock, the Plymouth is not going any place.

Oh, such inspiration.

That giveth me an idea what to nameth this place!

Excellent rock.

You were never any goodth at naming rocks, Priscilla.

Since I'm in charge I'll make that decision.

We'll call it "Plymouth rock."

All right!

You must be the pilgrims!

Yes.

And boy are we hungry!

A truly exceptional segue!

You'd be hungry too if you spend 65 days on a leaky ship.

With nothing to eat but English muffins.

Muffins! Savory.

Hey, may I ask where you came from?

Well, it's a long story.

You see, we are people with strange customs.

But we are just as normal as you.

We left England becauseth of prejudice.

People misunderstood our beliefs...

So we wentith to Holland.

But the people of Holland

didn't understand us either.

Why is that?

Because we couldn't speak Hollandaise!

But now, in the new world,

at last we are free from hate and prejudice!

(SCREAMS)

Natives!

Peace.

Aborigines!

But we wish to welcome you.

See, we bring you blankets,

jewelry and much soap because frankly...

You stink!

Oh, yeah?

You got some nerve!

We were here first!

Well we were here second.

And two is a bigger number than one.

This continent's not big enough for all of us!

They are surely getting off to a most unfriendly start.

True, Ted.

Unless they become dudes and dudest,

there will be no America as we know it.

Meaning no car repair shops!

I never forget a face.

But in your case I'll make an exception!

You have a very striking face.

How many times you've been struck there?

Whoa! Whoa! Chill out dudes!

There are better things to do than trading insults.

Like eating!

My partner and I will prepare you a feast!

A feast? Food?

Sounds interesting.

Let us putith our differences aside.

Yes. Perhaps sharing bread the same table

will show that under our skins we are truly equals.

"Equals?"

Here. Cook this thingith.

But that is a baby turkey.

I know. We're hungry.

But turkeys are tasteless and stringy.

And plus, there is not much meat on this one.

Stop stalling.

Take this turkey, stuff it and cook it!

ALL: We want food!

We want turkey!

We want food!

We want turkey!

(CLEARS THROAT) Happy campers,

Ted and I wish to give this dinner a special name.

An occasion exceedingly sacred to Bill and myself

for it is a day we get off from school!

Thanksgiving!

I'm famished. Where's the turkey?

We will start with the dessert.

Frosty slushes.

Cherry, cranberry, corn, squash...

And trout.

No more delays. I want the turkey!

Pilgrims, Indians,

this is better than eating a scrawny little turkey.

Yes, Chicago-style pizza!

With mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce!

Grab these troublemakers

and lock them in the stocks!

Bill, I'd say we are in a humungus jam.

Ted, my incarcerated compadre,

I am in complete agreement with you.

Plus, by the time we get to Abdul's record store,

the new Iron Maiden CD will most certainly be all sold out!

Bummer.

I'll set you loose if you give me your frosty slush recipe.

Simple.

Just ice and fish

and put it in a blender and walla!

Trout frosty slush!

Awesome!

Thanks, fine feathered dude!

It behooves us to get "Blue betty" fixed

before my father finds out.

Do not fret, Ted.

l shall call Rufus, who will direct us

to a most righteous repair shop.

(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

TED: Whoa! We're out of control!

I believe that the warranty on our booth has just run out!

(SCREAMING)

Dial anywhere, dude! We must bail!

(FIRING)

Whoa!

An extreme dizziness!

(SCREAMING)

Avast ye maties!

Grab them, they must be spies!

False!

We are simply Bill S. Preston, Esquire...

And Ted "Theodore" Logan.

But together we are...

"Wyld Stallyns!"

(IMITATES PLAYING ELECTRONIC GUITAR)

But right now we are in serious need of having dads "Blue betty" fixed.

If you are not spies,

what are you doing in the middle of the English Channel?

Bogus, Bill.

It's the BBC.

Educational television.

Slap the scoundrels in irons!

They'll rue the day they ran afoul of Sir Francis Drake!

(SCREAMS)

Don't scare me like that, ye scalawags!

Captain, what are we waiting for?

Let's blow O'Malley's ship out of ye briny!

We will!

I have a little trick up my sleeve.

You have misinterpreted our intentions, Mr. Drake.

That's Sir Francis to you, scurvy spies.

You'll be my prisoners for the rest of your scummy lives!

That will most definitely put a crimp in our summer vacation plans.

Sure, Ted, unless we get back our resplendent phone booth.

Perhaps the other ship will defeat Mr. Drake and rescue us.

DRAKES: Perfect, Maties!

We'll lay in wait for O'Malley's ship and take him by surprise!

We must find a way to signal O'Malley's ship, Ted.

We could build a fire.

Or if there was a blizzard we could write SOS in the snow.

While those are truly exemplary examples of ideas, Ted,

I have something that will make me reach brainiac status.

DRAKES: Oh, they're almost upon us!

Prepare to fire!

BILL: Yo! Dudes on O'Malley's ship.

Mr. Drake's ship is in the fog!

I knew you were spies!

Not true, Mr. Drake.

That's Sir Francis Drake!

I should throw ye to Davy Jones' locker!

Ted, is there a "Davy Jones" at San Dimas high?

Most perhaps, Bill.

But I don't think we would both fit inside his locker!

(FIRING)

We're being boarded!

Excellent! O'Malley's going to rescue us.

Rescue you? Ye must be daft!

O'Malley's ye meanest pirate in ye seven seas!

BOTH: Pirate?

(SHOUTS) Help!

Surrender, ye bilge rats!

I'm taking over this rickety scow!

Ye lily livered cowards.

Your captain would be ashamed of ye!

Genuine surrender flags.

Get 'em while they're hot!

Lock them all up.

Drake, too!

You two landlubbers don't look like sailors!

'Cause we're not!

Then you don't look like a pirate.

Why not? Because I'm a beautiful woman?

No. Because you do not have a parrot on your shoulder.

Parrot?

I've never met up with a pirate with a parrot.

Then you will be the first!

(GOBBLING)

Can you say, "Polly want a cr*cker?"

(GOBBLING)

(EXCLAIMS) How can I ever repay ye?

Well...

We would be most outstandingly in your debt,

if you would get our phone booth down from up there.

PIRATE O'MALLEY: No problemo!

Hit it, Blackbeard!

Ted, we better bail before she changes her mind.

Bill, I think she has other things on her mind,

scope that out.

I surrender!

I surrender even!

Don't have a cow, sir!

I never wanted to battle ye.

See...

These are bowling ba*ls...

I wanted ye to join my bowling league!

Well, shiver my timbers.

I had misunderstood ye all these years.

Bill, I believe the w*r is over!

No, my most valued friend,

I believe it is just about to begin!

Let's vamoose!

Now what, Ted?

We had best check out how Rufus is proceeding

and let us hope the booth does not mess up this time!

(HONKING)

Bummer.

I removed all the non-functioning parts and it still won't work.

We made it, Ted!

However, too late!

(SIREN BLARING)

I would recognize that siren anywhere.

It is my father.

DETECTIVE LOGAN: My Blue Betty!

Freeze!

What do you think you're doing?

Frankly, I have no idea!

Oh, my mint condition steering wheel...

(LOW DISTORTED HONK)

Give me your first and last name.

Rufus.

Actually that's my middle name.

We don't have first and last names any more.

Playing tough, huh?

Okay, how old are you?

Actually, I haven't been born yet.

Okay, smart guy. You're coming with me to the station!

But man, I gotta get this car back together.

A likely story.

It would take a... A Henry Ford to put it back together.

Tow it to the impound garage.

(SOBS)

Be gentle.

Bill, who's Henry Ford?

I think I saw his name on a multiple choice test once.

Did you get it right?

What kind of question is that, Ted.

Of course, I didn't get it right.

Wait a minute! There he is! Henry Ford 1903.

I've got it.

We'll tie balloons to the fender!

A genius idea! Terrific!

What's that?

(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

Whoa!

What in this world is that weird thing?

It is our phone booth.

Unfortunately, as you can see,

it is badly in need of a tune-up.

But that is not why we're here.

Correct, Ted, my valued companion.

Hey, which of you two dudes is Henry Ford?

Never heard of him.

Isn't this Detroit, in 1903?

It's 1903, of course, but this is Dayton, Ohio.

We're the Wright Brothers.

Bogus! We went to the right time and Wright brothers

but the wrong place.

Fascinating, huh, Orville?

The way it stays up in the air that way.

I once falsed when I should have trued

on a question about these dudes.

Didn't you invent the 747?

Or cough drops?

I don't know what you're talking about.

We make bicycles.

Yes, we are trying to figure out a way

to make this bike go faster

so we can enter the first Tour de France bicycle race!

If I brought you my ten speed could you fix it?

What's a ten speed?

Ted, we better get back up to our booth

so we can find Henry Ford.

However, and unfortunately,

the booth is beyond our reach.

Mr. Wright brothers,

may we borrow your unlikely-looking contraption?

You want to ride it all the way to Detroit?

No, we merely want to use it to fly to our booth.

Fly?

Where do these yokels come from?

Oh, sure go ahead. It's your skin!

Fly!

(LAUGHING)

Most triumphant!

Did you see that, Wilbur?

Amazing!

I just had a brainstorm.

So did I, Orville.

Quick, Ted. Time to bail.

Wilbur, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

More than likely, Orville.

Let's forget about bicycles.

I know a cottage for rent at Kitty Hawk.

We could go there and build a phone booth!

MAN: Get a move on!

It's slowing up traffic.

Dear me, get up, Edsel.

Come on.

You're always doing this to me!

Excuse me, sir.

Would you know where Henry Ford is?

Right here.

Are you angry with me too?

Of course not, Mr. Ford.

Would mind stepping step into our phone booth?

Gracious.

What in the world for?

On second thought, okay!

My dad said only you can put Blue Betty back together.

Who's Blue Betty?

It's a car.

What's a car?

Uh, can you let me have three 8x10's,

(CAMERA CLICKING)

and a dozen of the wallet size?

We're finished booking you.

You're allowed to make one phone call.

Hey, great. Thanks.

Hello? It's for you.

Your father's ready to lock me up

and throw away the key.

But I can't let him know that I know you!

Do not panic to the extreme, Rufus.

We have brought Mr. Henry ford

to take care of everything.

I will?

You expect me to fix this?

Without a doubt.

After all, like we told you, Mr. Ford, you invented it!

You sure you haven't mixed me up with somebody else?

You are presently our main man, dude.

Well, I'll give it a try.

Is this a car?

Henry, it is not even close, dude.

Best two out of three?

BOTH: Excellent!

(IMITATES PLAYING ELECTRONIC GUITAR)

That was fun.

Bill, Ted...

I think I've finally found a direction of my life.

I'm going to build Blue Betty's.

Or better yet, I'll Build a car

and name it after you.

BOTH: Us?

Right.

I'm going to call it a model B & T.

I don't know, dude.

That sounds an awful lot like a sandwich.

Okay, I'll flip a coin!

Model T it is!

For Ted?

No, for tails!

And so, most benevolent father figure,

even though I know you will ground me most heinously,

I confess to borrowing Blue Betty.

And Rufus, I mean, this total stranger

who I have never seen before in my short and consequential life...

Was merely an innocent bystander, who tried to help.

In that case you're free to go.

Well, I guess that explains everything.

Except who you are.

I'm Henry Ford.

C'mon Mr. Ford, I'll give you a ride home.

and while we're at it, guys,

I'll take your booth in for its 20,000 year check up.

You know it even looks better than new.

OFFICER: Mobile 8. Gridlock in front of the Kozy Korner.

A truck spilled a load of Iron Maiden CD's!

We've got to find a way to clean up this mess fast, Abdul.

I've got only one choice.

If you dudes help us clean this up,

we'll give you a free CD.

Excellent!

Grid lock, Bill my most respected compatriot.

Indeed and most assuredly, Ted.

My most honored colleague!