01x07 - A Black Night in San Dimas

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I have been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of The Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

Wyld Stallyns Rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still

♪ And trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future

♪ We must learn about the past

Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures

BOTH: Bogus!

♪ Most outstanding every day!

♪ It's outrageous! So bodacious!

♪ Help is always on the way!

♪ Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party, that's for sure

♪ Bill and Ted's most Excellent Adventures! ♪

(SCHOOL DANCE SONG)

Truly, we possess most awesome natural talents, Bill.

Yes, Ted, with our mega-volume beat,

it's no wonder that they chose us, Wyld Stallyns,

to play at the school dance tomorrow night!

Especially since no one else tried out!

Of course not! They heard us and were blown away, dude!

BOTH: Excellent!

And, with the Princess Babes screaming lead vocals,

we will be even better!

Joanna and Elizabeth! Awesome!

Ted, what does the clock say?

"Tick-tock-tick-tock." (LAUGHS)

It's 7:30, dude! We must depart post haste

or we will be late for school!

Ted, my friend, if we are totally quiet,

perhaps we will be able to sneak in unnoticed.

Outstanding!

Whoa, Ted, we scored a movie!

ANNOUNCER: This is the story of you and your body.

BOTH: Your body? Bogus!

Part 9: The female...

BOTH: Excellent!

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

BILL: Whoa! Major embarrassment!

This is a girl's health class!

What're you boys doing here?

(GIGGLING)

Extra credit?

William, Theodore...

I've had enough of your foolishness.

You disrupt lessons, you daydream.

You're continually t*rd to my math class,

you forget your homework...

Oh, that reminds me, Miss Spleen.

I forgot my homework.

That's it!

I've got my eyes on you now.

One false step,

and I'll see that you're expelled from school!

Excellent, Bill.

Now we have more time to practice for the dance!

Outstanding.

And you can forget about the dance, too!

CLERK: Here ya go. One blue frosty slush

in a genuine collector's edition

simulated silver plastic cup.

Ah! Outstanding!

Blue is my favorite flavor!

Ted, we must burn rubber if we are to time travel

back to merry old England to get the Princess Babes

and do our homework for Miss Spleen.

Bill, we must always take time for the finer things in life.

Ted, how many times have I told you not to eat in the booth?

Uh, once, just now?

But you should remember it for the next time.

BOTH: Whoa!

BILL: Drag! This doesn't look like merry old England, dude.

BOTH: Whoa!

Whoa!

I, Saladin, the sultan of Egypt,

will never give in to the English Infidels!

The crusades will be fought

until the silver chalice is ours!

(w*r WHOOP)

What manner of magic is this?

(SPITTING SAND)

English spies! Arrest them!

Excuse me, but do you have a frosty slush machine handy?

I'd like a refill as I am most parched.

(GASPS)

The fabled silver chalice!

What, this?

Yeah!

Uh, this remarkable collector's edition silver frosty slush Cup

is indeed most rare and most priceless.

Give it to me! I must have it.

Only if you'll let us go.

Deal!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

GUARD 1: It's the Black Knight!

GUARD 2: Run! The English, it's the English!

TED: Who is the Black Knight?

Him.

BILL AND TED: Whoa!

The silver chalice!

With it, I canst returneth to England

and claimeth my princess bride!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

We can most certainly relate to your predicament,

but we have already made a deal with Mr. Salad dude.

Deal? That meaneth nothing to the Black Knight! (SCOFFING LAUGH)

Onward, to England!

That oderous Black Knight dude

ripped off our frosty slush cup!

(GASPS) Traitorous dogs! Seize Them!

Do not let them get away!

BILL: Motor, dude!

Dial, anywhere, Bill!

JOANNA: Elizabeth, didst thou hear a noise?

(GASPS) Indeed, Joanna.

Methinks it doth come from the garden!

Whoa, It's the Princess Babes!

We made it, dude!

Father, did'st thou hear that bush talk?

I did'st not. It was probably just that quail.

No! Look! 'Tis that awful, disgusting Black Knight!

What h*! I bring the silver chalice to thee!

Indeed! Wow!

Oh boy! Hot diggidy dog! Uh!

As promised, eh, thou shalt have one of my daughters for thy bride.

Ub, uh, take your pick.

Alas! Oh, horrible fate!

He is noteth my type.

He is noteth anyone's type!

For this, I battled the fierce Visigoths,

crossed the burning Sahara, forged the mighty Nile,

etcetera, etcetera!

Oh no, It's that ugly medieval Black Knight dude!

And, he wants our Princess Babes!

And, plus, his story is most bogus.

Well, then it is settled.

Uh, we must prepare for thy wedding.

Um, choose.

Which of my daughters shall be thy bride?

BOTH: Alas! Alack! What will become of us!

Ted, our Princess Babes are in a most lamentable jam.

Do not worry, Bill. We are here!

BOTH: Excellent!

(IMITATES PLAYING THE GUITAR)

Well, thou hast finally arrivedth!

Come hither, the duke is most impatiently waiting

to be entertained.

Let the amusements begin!

BUTLER: Get out there!

What do jesters do, exactly?

I don't know. Juggle?

Try it.

This is most fun, dude!

Oops!

(LAUGHING)

Most amusingeth, is it not?

Indeedeth, it is not!

Stop!

Enough!

Perhaps he would prefer a magic trick.

Prodigious suggestion! You do it!

(GASPS)

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

(GIGGLES) Yummyeth!

And, my compliments to the chef!

BILL AND TED: Oops!

I thought thou lookethed familiar!

Seize the fools! Imprison them!

They came disguised to steal thy silver chalice!

Why, how dar'st they!

Guard! Away with them!

To the dungeon!

BILL: Let's blow this popsicle stand.

Don't let them get away!

BOTH: I hateth him, I hateth him a lot.

I hateth him, I hateth him a lot.

Princess Babes!

Remember us?

(SHRIEKING EXCITEDLY)

BOTH: Thou art Wyld Stallyns!

(IMITATES PLAYING THE GUITAR)

We're here to save you from a fate worse than marriage!

And to bring you to San Dimas to sing at a dance!

BOTH: Whoa!

Who sayeth "Whoa?"

(BOTH GASP) Prithee! That was us.

We, uh, were practicing horseback stopping. (LAUGHS)

Come hither so I may choose my bride.

We refuse to marry thee!

Yeah, and we and hateth and despiseth thee!

Thou wilt grow to love me!

Nevereth!

Eventuallyeth! (CHUCKLES)

I shall flip a coin to see who will be the lucky bride.

May I borroweth a coin?

BILL: Ted, you bonehead! Don't help him!

Thank thee!

Tails! You winneth, Princess Joanna!

(GASPS) Might I haveth a rain check?

No! Get thee into thy wedding gown

and be ready!

(BOTH GROAN)

Oh, my life is totally ruined.

Don't worry.

We'll think of something!

BOTH: Uh!

Go get 'em, dudettei. You're center-stage!

I now doth pronounce you Black Knight and Princess.

You may kisseth thy bride.

(GASPS)

Sorry, bud, the honeymoon is over.

(GASPING)

(GUESTS GASP)

Those scoundrels are behind this!

They shall pay dearly!

(ALL TALKING)

Halt! Thou knaves shalt not escape me!

(GRUNTS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Welcome back to San Dimas,

home of Bill S. Preston, esquire,

and Ted "Theodore" Logan.

BOTH: 'Tis quaint.

Oh, we can't waiteth to singeth tonight!

(BLACK KNIGHT GRUNTS)

(GASPS) Didst thou hear a noiseth?

Verily.

That was simply the oddity of time travel.

You will get used to it.

(WHINNYING)

(CRASHING)

Oh, it cannot be!

But it 'tis!

The horrid Black Knight!

(GROANS)

This puts a most heinous crimp in our plans, dude.

Sadly correct, Ted.

We cannot return to England, and still make school.

And, we will most assuredly catch heat already

for failing to do our homework.

Let us stash him in my room for now!

Now what do we do with him?

They say that music hath charms to soothe the savage beast.

Well, this is one savage dude!

I knew my dad's boring Lawrence Welk polka classics would come in handy.

Yeah, if anything will send this medieval ugly dude

to most unconscious slumberland...

That will.

(RECORD PLAYING)

(BLACK KNIGHT MOANING)

DEACON: What are you guys doing?

Deacon!

How would you like to do Myself and Ted

an extra large favor?

What's in it for me?

Our profound thanks?

Thanks, but no thanks.

Wait, oh pestilent youth. What is it you desire?

One month of your allowances.

Ted, we have no choice.

All right...

And that's not all!

I want Ted to do all my chores and my homework for a week.

On second thought, forget the homework. I want to pass fifth grade!

BILL AND TED: Deal!

Now, here's what you've got to do...

Two minutes to 8:00!

That settles it.

When the t*rd bell rings, they're expelled!

BILL: Salutations, Miss Spleen!

We'll see you later at fifth period!

(RINGING)

(SNARLING)

Whateth was that?

The Black Knight awakeneth from his slumber!

Whoa! This dude means business! Let's get outta here!

No prison can hold the Black Knight!

Whoa!

Princesses!

(HORSE NEIGHS)

Return unto me!

Pedaleth faster! The Black Knight doth gain on us!

(WHIPPING)

Bogus! There is no answer at home.

That is not good. We better split.

Going somewhere, boys?

Miss Spleen!

Yes! Uh, lunch!

Go ahead, but if you're a minute late, you're expelled!

Do not worry, Miss Spleen, we will be on time.

Yes, we would not want to miss a precious moment of your math class.

Not.

Uh-oh. Drag. The police!

(SIREN WAILING)

Worse than that, dude,

it's my dad!

Bill, do you see what I see?

Most probably, since we are both standing next to each other,

looking in the same direction.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Whoa, well, at least, if the Black Knight is out roaming around,

the Princess Babes and deacon must be safe.

Thy strange armor does not frighten me.

Nor will thee stand in my way to find the princesses!

Take that, thou cowardly knight!

Wearing armor both black and white.

Pull over!

You're under arrest! This is the police!

Get off that horse with your hands above your head immediately!

Bill, we are in most egregious trouble.

There's only one man who can take care of the Black Knight.

Robodude!

Ted, my most valued friend, Robodude is a mere fictional movie character.

Oh, well, we need someone brave,

courageous and bold!

How about uh, Wyatt Earp?

Let's bag him!

This is a stick up!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Hey, grizzled older cowboy dude,

do you know Wyatt Earp?

(WAILS)

I guess he doesn't know Mr. Earp.

We have a bigger problem than that, Ted.

This stagecoach is proceeding without a driver.

When Jesse James says, "This is a stick up,"

you're supposed to stick 'em up!

(SCREECHING)

Now, then...

Stick 'em up!

Sorry, Mr. James. We don't have time to stop.

We have to find Mr. Earp.

He can't help you. He's in tombstone!

(NEIGHING)

I wonder why they call it "Tombstone?"

What I gotta do to make a living!

I'm gonna try this one more time... Stick 'em...

Up?

(CRASHING)

Now I know why they call it "Tombstone!"

Excuse me, classic western type dude,

could you direct my friend, Ted, and I to Mr. Marshall Wyatt Earp?

You're lookin' at him, boys.

Well, would it be possible for you to...

'Scuze me, boys.

What have I gotta do to make you stick 'em...

Up?

BOTH: Not bad!

Cool wrist action, Mr. Marshall Earp.

That was Jesse James, nastiest hombre in these here parts,

and I couldn'ta nabbed 'im without you boys!

In that case, would it be possible for you to return with us

to the future and bring most strict law and order

to a bad guy from the past?

I'd like to help you boys,

but I'm doing lunch with Calamity Jane.

Can't disappoint the ladies, y'know?

That is one excuse we can most certainly buy into.

Still, I hate to think of crime running rampant.

So, I got something that might help you.

(BELL TOLLING)

BILL: Mr. Black Knight!

We've been deputized by Marshall Wyatt Earp,

and we're a callin' you out!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

What manner of treachery is this?

Smooth move, dude. Not.

I should have held the other end.

Excuse me. Have either of you two citizens

seen a large man in black armor, on a horse?

Us?

No way!

BOTH: Oops!

Dad! What are you doing here?

What are you jokers doing out of school?

Ted, you're just asking to be sent

to Green Military Academy.

But, steamed up father figure,

we aren't neglecting our education.

It's lunch time.

Only for another five minutes.

Come on, into the car!

You're going back to school pronto!

And get out of those ridiculous clothes!

Bogus. Now we must subject ourselves

to that most offensive siren!

(WAILING)

Ted, we're gonna be the laughing-stock of the whole school.

This is Logan.

I want an all points bulletin on a maniac

in black armor on a horse.

(BEAT) No! I haven't lost it! Just do it!

(BELL RINGING)

Warmest greetings, classmates and esteemed educator!

And where are your homework assignments?

We would have done it but we have not been home to do the work!

You know what that means?

Please, Miss Spleen,

if you kick us out of school,

we will end up as a pair of most ignorant dudes.

And for the rest of your natural life,

you will have two most ignorant dudes on your conscience.

All right. You've got one more chance.

You won't be expelled

if you can solve the problem on the black board.

Bogus! You know what this means, Bill?

BOTH: No dance and no Wyld Stallyns!

Ted, my partner in defeat, have you ever got a math problem right?

Uh... Not since two plus two equals four.

Hmm, it is worth a shot.

(CLASSMATES SNICKERING)

Well, I must've taught you something.

You got the answer right!

So, you'll be playing at the dance tonight after all!

BOTH: Excellent!

(IMITATES PLAYING THE GUITAR)

I'll see you there. I'm the chaperone!

BOTH: Drag!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Come on, and party on me

♪ Come on, we're gonna rock you

♪ Let's party to the music tonight ♪

Ted, we are a monster hit!

Nothing can stop Wyld Stallyns Now.

Except mayhaps the most horrid Black Knight.

(NEIGHING)

Forsooth! He has come to force me

to cleave unto him and be his bride!

Oh, no, not to cleave!

Yes, to cleave!

Alas! Alack! And whoa!

Oh, these kids!

Fair maiden, where hath thou been all my life?

Right here, in San Dimas. (GIGGLES)

Thou must come to my castle,

where we will be married and live happily ever after!

BOTH: The Black Knight?

BOTH: Miss Spleen?

ALL: Incomprehensible!

Whoa, love is blind.

Rufus!

Next stop, medieval England!

Missus Black Knight... Oh, I love it! (GIGGLES)

All right, San Dimas High!

Party on!

♪ Come on, and party on, dude ♪