01x08 - Pocket Watch Full of Miracles

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I have been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

BOTH: Wyld Stallyns rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still and trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future, we must learn about the past ♪

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill & Ted's ♪

Bogus!

♪ Excellent Adventures

♪ Most outstanding every day

♪ It's outrageous, so bodacious

♪ Help is always on the way

♪ Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party, that's for sure

♪ Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Adventures ♪

BILL AND TED: Most triumphant!

(SNORING)

Chrissy! My most bodacious dream babe!

Bill? Are you up? It's Missy!

Chrissy?

No! Bill, Missy!

Chrissy? Missy! I mean mom!

I'm sorry, Bill! It's after 8:00 and I thought you were up.

I heard you talking to someone.

Aw, late again! I'll get detention for sure!

Missy, quick, toss me some clothes!

Relax, Bill, it's Saturday. No school.

Did you say, "Saturday"?

Uh-huh.

Then why did you...

Because I need you to pick up the present

for your father's surprise birthday party tonight.

Whoa! Major spending spree! What are you buying him,

front-row center seats to the Iron Maiden concert?

No, it's something very special. I found an antique pocket watch

just like the one he's always talking about.

Oh, right. The one he lost when he was a kid.

Exactly. Now, be sure to pick it up at the jewelers.

I'll take care of everything else.

(LOUD GUITAR MUSIC)

(DOGS BARKING)

Whoa, Ted, we cannot even be heard over the neighborhood dogs!

My concern exactly, Bill. Perhaps, if we just crank up the amp.

Now.

I guess Wyld Stallyns has gone to the dogs!

Turn 'em out, Ted, time to dig deep and give with all you've got.

I have got nada. As usual.

TED: Whoa, dude! That is more money than there is in the world!

What did you do? Rob a bank?

Uh, no. This is for a watch, for my Dad's birthday present.

Bill, could we not give him my watch and use the money for something important?

Like a new amp?

No, dude, this watch is special. It's just like the one he lost when he was 10.

A real antique.

Oh. Whoa! What if he never lost the watch in the first place?

We could time travel back to when he lost it and borrow it for safe-keeping until now!

Ted, your brain cells are working overtime!

BILL: Let's motor. We haven't a moment to lose.

Right, the music stores close early on Saturday!

(GUITAR MUSIC)

BOTH: Most triumphant!

MISSY: Bill?

Ted, we have forgotten something most essentially vital!

My Dad's watch!

Ted, we face a dilemma. There is no listing for Eugene Preston in 1956.

Try "D" for Dad.

I think we had better call information.

Information. What century are you calling, please?

Rufus?

Gentlemen! What can I do for you?

We need to visit my Dad when he was 10.

Hold a sec, Bill. What century, please? I'm sorry, the number is not listed.

Yo! Amigos, sorry. Where were you going?

Bill's Dad.

Whoa! No can do, dudes. Oops! Hang on again. One moment, please.

Century, please? Thank you. Century, please?

Are you there, gentlemen?

Why can't we see my Dad?

You could accidentally wreck your future by going into your past.

But if we do not go to the past and get Bill's Dad's watch,

Bill's present will be most egregiously ended, and he will have no future!

I understand what you're saying, Ted.

Which kinda scares me. But rules are rules.

Oops! Gotta go, this is our busiest time.

Ted, we are in serious trouble.

Do not worry. I have the solution.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? A contest? What kind of contest?

You can win a color TV, uh, a three-day trip around the world, or

a fake diamond ring, if you can answer this question.

My phone number when I was 10?

Time's a wasting!

Uh, let's see, uh, well we lived in San Francisco.

No number, no prize!

Uh, oh yeah! 555-2435.

Excellent! Uh, I mean, you win! Goodbye!

Or was it 555-9881?

Got it, dude!

BILL: All right! San Francisco, 1956!

How can you tell? I cannot see a thing in all this fog.

That's how I know, dude!

(BELL RINGING)

Hello?

Ted!

Hey! That must be my Dad!

No way!

Yes, way, Ted.

Your Dad was once hip? Whoa, the mind boggles!

Yeah! I always thought hip-itude skipped a generation.

Hey! He's going in!

(DRUMMING)

So, uh, Dad, I mean, dude,

I understand you got a most awesome pocket watch for your birthday.

I do not think he is paying you any attention, dude.

Try another approach.

Crazy, man!

I think you started something, dude!

Yeah, except I can't start anything with Dad. It's like he's on Mars!

Earth to Dad! Come in, please!

Eh, like, you know, my Dad told me never to talk to strangers,

and you cats are about as strange as they get!

Hey, Dad, I mean, Eugene, we're just trying to get the time from you.

Like, I'm not Eugene, man. And I don't own a watch. Can you dig it, man?

What are you hassling my kid about?

We may have made an error, Ted.

His Dad is most definitely not my Grandfather!

Bail, Bill.

Hey kid. You got the time?

Yeah! I just got a new watch for my birthday.

Isn't it neat-o!

This is our stop!

Hey! Give me back my watch!

ALL: Oof!

WOMAN: Eugene Preston! You come home right this instant!

BOTH: Outstanding!

Be right there, Mom! Thanks for saving my antique railroad watch!

Hey!

Well, that was a waste of time!

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa!

Bill, why are we here?

Because my Dad said the watch was a railroad watch.

But, dude, these are railroad tracks.

And that is a...

BOTH: Train!

BOTH: Whoa!

Excuse us, Mr. Engineer-type dude, but would you happen to have a railroad-style

watch on you?

You want to know the time? I'll tell you the time!

It's late! That's what time it is!

Ted! It's the watch!

What are you doing slowing down to pick up passengers?

Time is money! And I plan to make a lot more money with my new steam drill!

Yes, who needs people when you have machines!

And speaking of people. Get off my train!

BOTH: Whoa!

Thanks, heavily pumped-up dude!

The name's John Henry, and what were you doing on Mr. Morris's private train?

Getting thrown off! He is one extremely nasty dude.

Workers! Nay, friends and family...

Hold on. This I gotta hear.

In my search to make you're jobs unnecessary, I mean, easier, I have created this

this steam driver which will easily do the work of any 10 men!

Ted, this is way wrong! The fat cat dude means to fire his workers

and save bucks with his machines!

Once these babies are in place, you'll have a life of ease and comfort!

Mr. Morris I can whip that tin can slugger!

Who's that?

I'm John Henry. The greatest steel driver of all time!

I'm so fast, that machine won't last!

Are you willing to bet your job and the jobs of all these workers on that?

Sounds like a bum deal to me. What are you offering?

What do you want?

Ask for his watch.

Uh, your watch!

You're on! All you have to do is lay more track in 10 minutes

than my steam drill. Which of course you can't!

Relax, dude. You are guaranteed to win!

Yeah! There is a most outstanding song all about it!

BOTH SINGING: When John Henry was a little baby sittin' on his, uh, something, something.

I hope I work better than you sing!

You ready, John Henry?

I'm gonna float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

That bucket o' bolts will never beat me!

If you would be so kind as to let me borrow John Henry's future watch,

I'll time the race!

No way! This watch once belonged to Queen Victoria!

Nice try, dude. I guess we have to use my watch.

Go!

ALL: Go, John Henry!

Hurry up, you piece of junk!

Time!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CHEERING)

You did it!

I knew I would, because I am the greatest!

Absolutely! You are the steel drivin' man! Hold on a second!

What time is it?

I don't know. I don't have a watch!

Ugh! You do now! Hey, ornery defeated dude!

You owe this man an antique gold pocket watch.

Never! It's mine!

You haven't seen the last of me!

Mighty fine! Maybe too fine for me.

Out here on the railroad I'd just break it inside a day. Here. You take it!

Really? Thank you most appreciatively, Mr. Henry, sir!

Dude, we have it!

I'll show them!

(LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Look out, runaway train!

Look out!

I do not believe it could get any worse than this.

Bill, my most admired ally, it could.

That train is escaping with our booth!

I've got just the thing, if you hurry!

Good luck, dudes!

BOTH: Whoa!

Bill, suddenly this has become very easy. See? No hands!

Ted, you bonehead, that is because the train is doing all the work.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

BOTH: Whoa!

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa! Oof!

Tell me why we are here again, dude.

It's Switzerland, land of watches.

I thought we would get the watch right out of the factory

before anyone had a chance to run over it!

But truly those Swiss travel posters are utterly bogus!

Where are the cuckoo clocks? The ski runs? The snow babes?

Plus, Bill, what are all these elephants doing in the Alps?

I am unsure. Maybe it is a Republican Convention.

Uh-oh! Hope my Dad is not here!

You dare to interfere with the conquests of the mighty general Hannibal?

If I could get these worthless beasts moving, I'd have them trample you into pita bread!

Oh! Bringing elephants into the Alps! What was I thinking of?

General Bull, if you let us down, I am sure Ted and I can help.

Oh, really? Very well. Release them!

But fail me and I'll have you drawn and quartered!

That would hurt, dude!

Ted, I have an idea. It worked with my Uncle Sidney's dog,

and he is very nearly an elephant.

Excuse me, but my most valued colleague, Ted, and I feel that to

move this animal we need to use not the stick, but the carrot.

We have no carrots, dude.

What do we have?

Here! Low in beta carbons, but high in chocolate!

Hmm, ingredients. Sugar, butter, cocoa...

Jumbo! This way!

Ted, look! Boxing trunks!

Fools! Our entire supply of sugar is wasted!

Yeah, but it makes for nice scenery!

Heads up, General Bull!

What in this crazy, mixed-up world of ours is worth

the sacrifice you have made for me?

Relax, General Bull, dude. You can be completely off the hook for one

of those most excellent Swiss timepieces.

Take mine, I insist!

BOTH: Excellent!

(GUITAR SOUNDS)

BOTH: Not.

We forgot we're a couple centuries B.C. Before clocks!

All right, men of Carthage! Follow those elephants!

Whoa!

Whoa! Perhaps he should try the bunny slopes

before attempting the more difficult advanced runs.

Ted, I smell chocolate.

Try these! My own personal recipe!

Thanks, primitive Swiss tribes dude. I...

Ted, there goes our ride!

I've got just the thing, if you hurry!

Bill, we have got to stop accepting rides from strangers!

Try to find us a real clock!

I will try, but it is truly nauseating to read like this!

We must not be late for my Dad's surprise festivity at 7:00.

Right. What time is it now?

It is most definitely 7:00!

But not San Dimas time. It must be London time!

(BELLS RINGING)

Whoa! This is one alarm clock I would not be able to sleep through!

And I thought Wyld Stallyns was loud!

Right on time.

What? We are half an hour late! That will not do. Driver, faster!

Dude, we have a most stratospheric fall ahead of us.

Do not worry, Ted. When we get about one foot from the ground,

all we have to do is jump.

Bill, you are truly brilliant, no matter what your report card says!

And just who are you?

I am Bill S. Preston, esquire.

And I am Ted Theodore Logan.

And together we are...

BOTH: Wyld Stallyns!

Well, we are Queen Victoria, and we are to be crowned Empress of India,

and we are late!

How many people are in here, dude?

BOTH: Whoa!

That was most rude, dude.

True, Ted. But the carriage was quite crowded. What with all

the people with Queen Victoria!

BOTH: Queen Victoria!

Hey, isn't that the dudette Mr. Morris got the watch from?

QUEEN: Beefeaters! Arrest them!

No need to get violent, surly, furry-hatted dudes!

Those blokes have gone after the queen!

That way!

With this crown, I proclaim thee, Queen Victoria, Empress of...

Stop them!

BILL: I think we lost them, Ted!

(CLAMORING)

Sorry, guv'ner!

BILL AND TED: Oops.

We haven't the time for all this nonsense!

We have proclamations to proclaim and grand openings to attend!

And how can we be Empress of India without a proper crown!

Excuse me? Miss Queen, babe? I believe my partner, Bill, and I can help.

Ted, my most valued friend, you better have something truly brilliant in mind.

Watch! If I may be so bold.

Behold! The Empress of India!

Ted, you did it!

And not a moment too soon! We are already late for a grand opening!

We think.

Does anybody have the proper time?

If I might be of service again, it's 6:55.

But that is San Dimas time, dude!

So early?

This watch never worked! Quickly, time is money.

What shall be your reward for your service to the crown?

Uh, how about your broken watch?

The royal watch?

But we've had it so long.

But it is broken, and we will even throw in this box of antique Swiss chocolates,

from a very old recipe!

We'll take them!

TED: I hope we have not missed the birthday cake!

Ted, this is most abominable!

Someone has scratched words all over the inside of this watch!

Bogus. But it is too late now, Bill.

We must give him this, or nothing.

You're late, all the guests are gone! Did you get it?

Yes, but...

You didn't even wrap it!

No! And plus...

Oh, I've got your real present, sweetie-kins!

But it isn't wrapped in pretty paper.

Oh, that's okay. You're all the pretty wrapping I need!

Eugene! You're so cute. I hope you like it!

I don't believe it!

Why, this is the same watch I lost on my tenth birthday!

BOTH: No way!

Yes, as you guys say, way.

It was an antique railroad watch owned by John Henry.

See the inscription? "Time is money."

You're one in a million, Missy! I don't know how you did it!

I had a little help from Bill and Ted!

BOTH: Excellent!