01x12 - A Job, a Job – My Kingdom for a Job

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I have been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

BOTH: Wyld Stallyns rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still and trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future, we must learn about the past

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa!

BOTH: Excellent!

♪ Bill & Ted's

Bogus!

♪ Excellent Adventures

♪ Most outstanding every day

♪ It's outrageous, so bodacious

♪ Help is always on the way

♪ Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party, that's for sure

♪ Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Adventures ♪

MAN: Young people today have no respect for the value of money!

Ted, my records indicate

I've already advanced your allowance well into 1994!

Not another penny until next week!

And that's final!

(SARCASTICALLY) Why don't we plant a money tree in the backyard!

Dad, I am being most serious.

I need money today, and the gardener does not come until Thursday.

When I was your age, there was no such thing as allowance!

I used to work before I went to school.

Then when I was old enough for kindergarten,

I got a job after school!

Bill, my friend.

Yes, Ted, my friend.

Our most recent cash flow crisis

has indeed brought out the worst in our father-type figures.

And with our paternal auto-tellers temporarily out of order...

We do not have the price of a frosty slush between us, dude.

BOTH: Most heinous.

(LOUD CRASH)

Greetings, amigos.

Rufus, a most odious financial crisis has erupted.

Yes, could you advance us the price of a frosty slush,

until our next allowance?

Sorry, my tapped-out compatriots.

Wyld Stallyns music has made the future so perfect

that there's no need for money.

Bogus!

We are victims of our own yet to come success.

Rufus, what is this most cryptic cube?

Gentlemen, while I was sorting files

at the Bill and Ted archives of excellence,

I came across this one-of-a-kind Wyld Stallyns hologram.

BOTH: Not bad!

Not bad at all, except that this is the only recording

in existence of this particular song.

And as you gentlemen can hear,

an electrical glitch of some sort has wiped out the sound.

Maximum bogosity.

Exactly William!

So, the three most important people in the universe

have sent me back to have you guys

fill in the missing music and lyrics.

We are most eager to aid and abet, Rufus.

However, we have not as yet written

this particular Wyld Stallyns tune.

Hmmm, according to Hoyle and my unabridged history

of the Wyld Stallyns, you should be writing it any time now.

I'll check in at regular intervals to see how it's coming.

Adios muchachos. And good luck with your low-dough cash flow.

Definitely, we would much prefer returning to the garage

to work on our as-yet unwritten Wyld Stallyns tune.

But with five days until our next allowance,

and our pocket change problem reaching epic proportions,

we must do what dudes must do.

BOTH: Look for part-time jobs!

I'm hiring for counter help at my food stalls.

List all past job experience,

and interviews will be in two hours.

Bogus Bill.

We cannot secure employment in the here and now,

without past experience.

Then we must go where there is most sure to be an abundance

of "past experience" for the asking.

In the past, dude!

(GUITAR SOUNDS)

Since we are seeking gainful employment in food services,

perhaps we should look in the circuits of time directory

under "food".

IQ storm, Ted.

Missy mom always says the best food in the world is French.

BOTH: Excellent! Crepe Suzettes!

They sound like a group of most bodacious French babes.

Who can tutor us most enjoyably in the culinary arts!

Let's flip this omelet, dude!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GIRL CRYING)

Excuse us, most grief-stricken French babe.

Are you not one of the famous Crepe Suzettes?

No. I am Marie Antoinette,

and today is my birthday.

Unquestionably a most happy birthday.

Not!

I was to have a big party this evening,

but all the palace workers, they have quit.

They have "qweet?"

Dude, I hope this qweet thing's not contagious.

Oui. They have qweet,

and all the Bastille workers in France

have gone on strike, as well.

There is no one to bake my birthday cake.

Perhaps a pair of job seekers,

such as our own two selves,

standing before you, could be of assistance.

And all we ask in return is a most glowing letter of recommendation.

A job? Magnifique.

You will be my royal pastry chefs,

and you will bake a birthday cake! N'est ce pas?

Whoa, definitely not in a spa!

But let's check out the kitchenette, dudette!

Bill, my friend,

this microwave does not appear to have a switch.

Ted, you knucklehead, there are no microwaves

in historical days of old.

Ancient chef dudes cooked things

right out of the frying pan into the fire!

A fire such as those two dudes have conflagrated?

Hurry, Jacques, we need more wood on the fire

to blow up the balloon.

But, Joseph, I thought we wanted the fire to make hot air.

Exactly!

Then we don't want the balloon to blow up?

Absolutely not. Now get some wood on that fire.

To make hot air!

To blow up the balloon!

But if we blow up the balloon,

how's Marie gonna take a ride?

In this basket.

BILL: Greetings confused inventor-type dudes.

Might we borrow your hot air balloon blaze to bake Marie's birthday cake?

We are Joseph and Jacques Montgolfier, and we would be most appreciative if you

would watch our fire, while we get some more wood.

To make hot air.

To blow up the balloon.

But I thought you said...

Never mind what I said.

Whoa, Bill, you totally know how to blow up a cake!

The Bastille workers are on strike!

ALL: The Queen of France can take a hike!

It's the attack of the k*ller tomatoes, dude!

Whoa, Bill! I'm being balloon-napped!

Quick! Tie it down or our world's first hot air balloon ride, will leave without us!

Let go, dude, I got you!

What is all that racket?

What are you doing in here, your royal dudetteness?

I'm trying to call my friends to tell them the party is still on,

but no one is answering.

That's because the telephone has not yet been invented

in this historical place and time.

Hurrah! It works!

The first hot air balloon ride!

MAN 1: Marie, feed the masses!

MAN 2: Your country needs food, not hot air balloon rides!

WOMAN: Feed your people!

Oh, look, they're waving to me! Hello, my obedient and dirty subjects!

They love me so much. I want them to share in my birthday joie de vivre!

Let them eat cake!

You have made my birthday a soaring success!

I will gladly write your letter of recommendation!

Bill and Ted are the most excellent pastry chefs in France.

BOTH: Party on, dudes!

Thanks for the "cake of recommendation," royal French babe.

Dude, maybe that most tuneful dialing is the missing Wyld Stallyns music!

It's your dime, dudes!

Rufus, is this that Wyld Stallyns truant tune?

(PLAYS NOTES)

Well, it's got a good beat, but I can't dance to it. I give it a six.

Keep trying guys.

But is it even clo... Whoa!

Ted, it looks like we landed near a totally flooded barber shop.

Sure hope we don't get blamed for it!

(WHISTLES)

Row it or tow it, pal! I ain't got all day!

I can't send you out to pick up a fare, in a non-regulation vehicle!

Ted my friend, we can get jobs in this scowling Italian dude's water taxi service,

if we play our cards right.

Come on, come on, come on, let me see your hack license.

Will a California learner's permit do, grouchy boss-type dispatcher?

I can't stand here jawing with you. And don't let me catch you out of uniform again!

(GUITAR SOUNDS)

This is the place, dude.

Lucrezia, Lucrezia Borgia! Your gondola awaits!

Shh!

Welcome aboard, most bodacious Venetian babe. I am Bill S. Preston, esquire.

And I am Ted Theodore Logan. And together we are...

BOTH: Your Wyld gondoliers!

Shh!

You will alert my father, who does not want me to go visit my true love, Antonio.

Lucrezia! Where are you?

That's him! Quickly!

Mario! Your sister is off to see that no good palooka

from the other side of the canal. Mario!

Remind me to take this boat in and get the shocks checked.

Have no fear, swooning babe. We're the best of the fleet.

Look out!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Whoa! Port bow off the port bow, dude!

Most heinously saturated! Dudes overboard!

They got away! You disappoint me, Mario.

I hated to do that. He was my only son.

A most tubular transport, eh, Lucrezia?

Here's Antonio's house now. This is the love song by which Antonio will recognize me.

You two must sing it, or his father will know it's me.

Whoa! A most musical turn of events, dude!

♪ When the moon's in the sky, and your love rows on by, that's a soiree! ♪

Mi amore, you are the moon in the sky. My big pizza pie!

Lucrezia, Lucrezia, Lucrezia. Come over here,

so I can make your boyfriends an offer they can't refuse.

Let the music move us, dude!

Ted, I hope these most malodorous disguises do the trick.

Just hold your nose and make it look good. Over here, shopping dudes and dudettes!

Live anchovies, and hold the pizza!

I'm looking for my daughter. Have you fish mongers seen her?

Most assuredly...

BOTH: Not!

When I catch those two goofy gondoliers they're going to wish they'd never heard

of Lucrezia Borgia!

How can we ever thank you?

Feather pen us a hasty letter of recommendation, lovely Lu.

As we do not think we will be earning beaucoup kudos from the gondola boss-dude.

With pleasure, my most excellent gondoliers.

Ted, do not look now, dude, but I think the abalone are trying to phone home!

Hate to splash and dash...

But we are history, babe!

BOTH: Most triumphant!

BOTH: Whoa! I hate this part!

(WHOOSHING)

Who goes there? I am Juan de Onate, Mexico's greatest explorer.

Remove yourself from my path!

That will teach you to tangle with the great Governor of Mexico!

Join the ranks of your fallen comrades.

I will not stop until I succeed in my quest.

Although at the moment, I'd settle for a glass of water.

Greetings, parched explorer, dude!

Water! You have saved my expedition!

No problemo! There's plenty more back where that came from.

You two must be superb explorers, to find water in this desert!

I dub thee my new scouts.

You will direct Juan de Onate's quest for the seven lost cities of gold.

Check it out! We're deputy dudes, dude!

With our own most lustrous badges!

Badges? You have no stinking badges! Ha-ha! I am Onate's only scout!

Do not mind Diego. He is my old scout, and couldn't find himself in an empty room.

But now I have hired you!

Dance gringos!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Wow-wow-wow!

Ahh! Indians!

A most troublesome turn of events.

Sincerely so, as we have not as yet even gotten a lunch break on this new job.

Whoa, can you guys ever dance!

You gotta come show this Mexican hat dance to my people.

Leave my scouts unharmed! I am Juan de Onate, greatest explorer in Mexico.

And these men are leading me to the lost city op gold! You are, aren't you?

No kidding? That's where I live.

Not bad! Only five minutes on the job and we have already

unearthed the lost city of gold!

The setting sun makes it appear golden this time of day.

Don't tell my wife. She thinks it's the real thing.

My life's quest has been successful!

Dude, didn't anyone ever tell you, you can get mono nuclear cirrhosis from

kissing strange things.

I name this place Santa Anna! No, Santa Suzanna, with a banjo on my knee!

No, no, Santa Claus.

Oh, nutty, you can't just come in and rename this Indian town, dude.

Feh! Don't mind him. Explorers are always coming through renaming everything.

Feh? That's it! I dub this town, Santa Fe!

Behold! Tribesmen! I have brought us a new dance!

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)

Greetings, kimosabes!

Rufus! Dude! Are you the medicine man of this newly found lost city?

No, gentlemen. They simply have the greatest popcorn anywhere in history.

Look, Rufus! We have made up our missing song, dude!

Nice beat, gentlemen, but I'm afraid that's not the music that saves the future.

It's a little too far south of the border. Keep trying!

Dancing explorer, could we trouble you for a letter of recommendation,

to take back to our future employer?

Whoa! Buckle up the blade, dude!

Did we not find the lost city of gold as instructed?

Indeed you did, guide dudes.

That was totally uncalled for, gnarly desperado dude.

Your dancing days are over, gringos!

Let our strange-speaking friends go, Diego!

Uh-oh! Adios, Onate!

Ditto, dude! We can't let our ride vamoose without us!

We'll write when we get work!

Bill, my friend.

Yes, Ted, my friend?

Let us hope this most accidental call lands us on yet another job site,

as we have only one half hour before our interviews at the mall.

Ted, I have heard of wallpaper, but never before knew they made "roof" paper!

Come, my son! You must not be late!

Awesome! Rapier-bearing dudes! I hope they do not take umbrage at the most tattered

condition of their roof.

But, father, I do not wish to be a Samurai any longer!

Nonsense! Bashos have always been Samurai!

Today, you have barber duty. Give our Samurai brothers honorable haircuts!

Greetings, unwilling Samurai youth!

Whoa!

Dude, I think I saw this on an old episode of Kung Fu.

Next, he will shave our heads.

BOTH: No way!

Who are you?

I am Bill S. Preston, esquire!

And I am Ted Theodore Logan! And together, we are...

BOTH: Wyld Stallyns!

I am Matsuo Basho, a reluctant Samurai, who must now cut hair,

and I do not even know how.

No sweat! My esteemed colleague, Ted, and I need a gig.

Plus, in addition, we also know all about blow dryers, spike cuts,

and bodacious babe perms!

Samurai barbers! This is gonna look most excellent on the resumes.

I wish I could feel as happy. But I wish to be a poet, and my father doesn't know it!

Whoa, ever play any football, dude?

Keep it long in the back. Clean up around the ears.

Is that good, immense warrior dude?

Yes. How is that, my large long haired friend?

I have even invented a new kind of poem!

Most outstanding!

Give us a lyric or two, Eastern Bard-type Samurai.

On a withered branch, a sad crow has alighted. Nightfall in autumn.

I call it a haiku.

Whoa, Basho. I call it a definite downer, dude!

Yeah, people want to party on! Lyrics must be mondo optimistic!

Way! Dude, here is the kind of haiku that might go platinum for you.

♪ Time, time, time, time flies, so party, party, party, party on

♪ Things will be excellent, yeah ♪

Whoa, a most heinous scissor slip up, Bill.

Not to fret. Missy mom often takes her pony tail and ties it just so.

Oh, no! My father will not be pleased!

My hair!

It'll grow back, chrome-dome dude!

Bill, my friend, I believe our haircut is indeed bringing down the house.

Time to cut out of this clip joint, Ted!

Father, I can explain!

No need, my most talented son! You have created a masterpiece!

No longer will hair fall in our eyes when we fight! You are truly a poet.

Your scissors speak fierce!

These letters of recommendation are most, uh, impressive!

And savory, dude!

You show originality, ingenuity and drive.

Just the things I want in my best workers.

You mean we have the job?

With those authentic Japanese outfits, you will run the Geisha Grill!

Whoa! Ted! That Samurai dude must have followed us back here!

A most propitious moment for some Bill and Ted take-out!

Greeting, gentlemen. How goes the job search?

Undeniably difficult, Rufus. Ted and I have learned that

working for bucks can be a most non-triumphant experience!

We never knew our parents had such an unsavory time of things, working for a living.

So we have vowed not to ask for any more bucks.

Until our next allowance day!

And how go your musical pursuits?

Most excellent! We have come up with a new song.

The heavy metal haiku!

♪ Go where time leads you, remember to be excellent, and party on, dudes ♪

That's it! Those are the missing lyrics! You've done it, gentlemen!

What do you call this song?

A most melodious blast from the historical past!