02x02 - The Totally Gross Anatomy of a Gym Teacher

[bunniefuu]

I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!

Together we are Wyld Stallyns!

Greetings, Excellent Ones.

Whoa!

♪ Life can be all you want it to be

♪ When you follow your dreams

♪ Join a team and always believe

♪ And soon your dreams will be reality

BILL & TED: Whoa!

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ They'll stay together

♪ Friends forever

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ Cruising in their time machine ♪

Party on, dudes!

Excellent!

Bill, my friend?

Yes, Ted, my friend?

You have indeed created a most triumphant billboard.

But Ted, you totally helped!

Therefore, it is also a most triumphant Ted board.

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

Whoa!

Greetings, my excellent friends.

Rufus! What are you doing in the here and now?

Have you come to bag some tickets for the Wyld Stallions dance?

Unfortunately, my wall-to-wall compatriots,

I have come on important future business.

BOTH: Hey! Whoa!

To deliver your new circuits directory.

But Rufus, this one must be for people

who sit exceedingly far back from the blackboard.

For it is called the Squint Directory.

Squint is the new alternative long distance

phone service of the future, William.

You can journey into books, CD's, videos, games, movies

and the most exciting of all places, etcetera.

No way, Rufus!

Yes, way, Ted.

From diaper hood, I have wanted to visit etcetera.

Utilize the Squint fiber optics system properly.

And always remember, dial one before the number you're calling or, gentlemen,

you could become history.

Catch you on the flip side and remember,

be excellent to one and other.

BOTH: Later, Rufus!

Whoa! Bill! Memory bank withdraw.

If we do not accelerate home-room-ward,

we will indeed be late for school.

And isn't today the day we get a new instructor

for that most physical of all high school courses?

BOTH: Gym class!

Look, Bill. They have brought back,

Coach Jim Nazeum from Bali High.

They say he can spike a volleyball so hard, dude,

it bounces on your side of the net before he actually hits it.

Stroke.

Huh?

What?

Stroke! Stroke. Give me 10 more of those!

Coach Nazeum is even making the lunchroom lady do laps!

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

I want the mayo!

Stroke! Stroke!

(YAWNING)

It looks like Coach Nazeum is totally fit and trim.

Not!

Huh? Uh, uh, first and seven on the 30.

Uh, get in there and, uh, swim! Uh, wrestle!

Uh, hit a home run!

Uh, and bring me three chili dogs with an industrial sized slushie!

Huh? What?

Oh. Phew. Got to get a bite to keep up my strength.

I got a gym class to teach.

Coach Nazeum?

My distinguished colleague, Ted, and myself

would like some tips on how to become

most impressive spiker-type volley dudes.

So that we might raise our babe potential on the beach this summer.

(YAWNING) Sure, kid.

First thing to remember is an athlete needs lots and lots of rest.

(YAWNING)

Coach Nazeum!

Huh?

PRINCIPAL: Snoozing on the job again, Coach Nazeum?

Uh, uh, no! No, Principal Putnam!

You make me nauseous, Nazeum.

You used to be so tough and energetic.

If you don't shape up, I'm going to have no choice but to suspend you.

Whoa!

Benefit or bogusity?

A most assured bogusity, Ted.

For without Coach Nazeum there will be no more nachos in gym class.

Plus, I'll have to cancel the school dance

because Nazeum was our faculty chaperone and no one else is available.

Wyld Stallions ungigged?

A most heinous turn of events.

Ted! We must go back in time and prevent Coach Nazeum

from becoming such a lazy porker type.

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

All we must do is punch in a date when the coach was still a hunk

of his historical former buffness.

BOTH: Bogus!

Ted, my compact colleague,

strange things are most definitely afoot at the Kozy Korner.

I thought the coach was the one who was supposed to reduce, dude.

Ted, Squint.

All right. But I do not see how that will help.

I do not mean squint! I meant...

What?

Squint. See.

We are small because we forgot to dial one like Rufus said.

Now, even if we did play at the dance

we would only be able to play tiny tunes.

(GRUNTS)

Look on the bright side, my abbreviated bud.

We don't have to bend down so far to tie our shoes.

BOTH: Outstanding! Huh?

Do you ogle what I ogle?

TED: Whoa!

Those Rose Bowl floats get more totally lifelike every year.

Ted, you are egregiously mistaken.

It's not a parade float. Look at that humongous pot belly!

Those sneakers!

It's Coach Nazeum.

A totally observant observation!

But why is Coach Nazeum disguised incognito?

Because, Ted, he's a junk food junky

and he doesn't want Principal Putnam to know he's porking out.

Sucking in! Chowing down.

And not shaping up.

BOTH: Whoa!

BOTH: Oh, no!

BOTH: Help!

This is slimier than the Black Hole at the Waterloo Waterslide.

Lucky for us it's... Raspberry.

But not so lucky he bought the gargantuan guzzle size slushie!

BOTH: Whoa!

We must be in the coach's pot belly.

And there's his belly button.

BOTH: Coach is an inny!

Most excellent videos.

Ted, those TV's are all tuned to the coach's innards.

He sure has some heinous-looking ulcers.

In with the good air and out with the bad, girls.

Pump! Pump! Pump!

BILL: And those are some bodaciously pumped-up babes!

Those lung babes are sincerely working hard, Ted.

I wonder what time they take a break.

Ted, the lungs do not get time off.

Workaholic airheads. Bogus!

(LAUGHS)

Hey, skin and bones. Let me stick an olive on your head

euvre.

and use you for an hors d

How's it going, corpulent fat cell dude?

Is there a towel boy on duty?

Yo, squirts. This is a members only club.

We got no stomach for scrawny cells like you.

How did you get in?

(BURPS)

Dude! That's gross.

Forgive my, uh, fat cell mates, Glut and Belch.

How do you do? I'm Chunky.

And you're not! (LAUGHS)

Shut up.

Who are you guys anyway?

I know all the fat, cholesterol and celluloses that hang around here.

I am Bill S. Presto, Esquire.

And I am Ted Theodore Logan!

Together we are...

BOTH: Wyld Stallions!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

BOTH: Huh?

Incoming junk food, incoming junk food!

All body parts, prepare for attack.

I get the pole position!

BOTH: Whoa.

Let us backwash out of this pool.

BOTH: Bogus.

(PANTING)

Ted, we must get ourselves to the coach's brain central

to destroy his most heinous junk food cravings!

Excellent.

Then he will no longer snooze.

And if Principal Putnam sees that he's trying to reshape

he will once again be allowed to chaperone the Wyld Stallions dance.

Let us flag one of these most tubular transport pods!

Whoa!

I fear we are seeing so much red, Ted,

because we are traveling within the coach's arteries.

BOTH: Whoa!

(GRUNTS)

BOTH: Cholesterol!

Yo!

Oh, we got to get to brain central

before his whole body goes into junk food meltdown!

One, two, one, two.

In with the good air out with the bad.

Give 'til it hurts, girls. No pain, no gain. No air, no fair.

Don't stop breathing.

One, two, one, two.

Excuse us, most brawny type babe.

Bill and I are trying to get to brain central

to stop the coach's junk food cravings.

Hey, boss! It's the squirts!

What?

Ah! Oh, if only you could! Then we wouldn't have to work nearly as

hard to stay in shape!

We got to stop those panty waists!

(BURPING) Why boss?

Because if they stop the cravings,

the coach won't eat anymore junk food and we'll be up grease river

without a cholesterol count.

If we can stop him,

might you have time to date two studly, young dudes,

such as our own two selves?

Ted, this babe before us,

though most bodacious, is of another ilk.

She is a body part!

Bogus!

Get them, boys!

BOTH: No way!

Later, luscious lung babes.

Whoa!

(CRUNCHING)

(MUNCHING)

I got to start to get back into shape or I'll lose my job!

It's mind over matter!

Where are we, Ted?

I do not know!

But these dudes could sure use some extra dry roll on!

Hey, shut the door! Come on! You're letting out all the steam!

Okay, let's go! Line 'em up!

We're gonna go out fast and we're gonna go out wet and smelly!

Here, here, here, here, here and here!

Bill, this is most triumphant, not!

We are surrounded by little sweaty dudes!

That's because this is the Coach's sweat gland, Ted!

And we are about to perspire!

BOTH: Bogus!

Yuck, oh!

Phew!

(PANTING)

I could use a nice, cold slushie about now.

(SCREAMING)

Ted, you and I have experienced many things,

but none so odious as this!

Ah! Delicious slushie.

What I need now is a couple of giant corndogs

and some creme-filled cupcakes!

Ted, it is now imperative that we reach the coach's brain and destroy

his junk food cravings!

Woah! Look out!

Geranium!

Woah!

Pardon us, wimpy, crying dude,

but could you tell me where we are?

You're in Coach Nazeum's tear duct.

Are you this untranquil all the time?

No way. Uh oh, no how!

Only before we get called up to duty.

Ah! If he can't cut out the sugar,

he'll need me,

because he's gonna break down

for a real good cry when he has to quit his job!

Depression alert, depression alert!

All enlisted and reservist tears report for duty!

(YAWNING)

Ah, that does it!

I'm gonna tell Principal Putnam I quit.

I'm gonna go home and bake a big chocolate cake.

I'm through as a coach!

He can't quit!

Woah! It's the sequel to Alien 2!

Those are nerve endings!

Ted, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Not totally sure, Bill. Give me a hint what you're thinking.

How this reminds me of second grade,

when I could never reach the tether ball!

So one day, the school bully, who was...

Now we got you guys!

(BURPING)

I would truly love to hear the end of your elementary tale, Bill,

but I believe we should motor!

They're making for brain central!

Quick, take the spinal column up!

Uh! Gee, boss! It's stuck!

You fatheads!

To get in, you got to use the spinal tap!

And it looks like this championship

match is about to go to the heavyweight food cravings food tag team!

Willpower is way behind!

Dude! It's a championship food fight!

It appears the Coach's body is at w*r with its own self!

Look! Haven't we seen those most portly food craving dudes somewhere before!

Junk food, junk food, junk food.

And "Grease ball, the Globule Glut" uses his famous full belly slam!

I don't know if "Will He or Won't He" Willpower

is going to survive this!

Most grievous!

The coach is going to the Principal's office to quit his job!

Principal Putnam, sir?

I have something to say.

Chunky "Hunk of Lard" is entering the ring

and here comes Willpower to take some more punishment!

Now Chunky's got him in his famous cholesterol clutch!

(VOCALIZING)

Willpower's on the ropes now!

Now, he's got Willpower in a pizza spin!

(SCREAMING)

(LUNG LADIES PANTING)

Help, Bill and Ted! We can't keep up this pace!

Hang on, bodacious, lung hun!

My most salubrious colleague and I will save

the day with our most professional wrestling moves!

That does it, Squirt! We're gonna beat you into a by-product!

(GRUNTING)

Look! It's the Goodyear Blimp!

BILL AND TED: Grandstand!

What happened?

Coach Nazeum, you have demonstrated beyond a doubt

that you have all the energy and enthusiasm it takes

to be a fine member of our faculty!

But I wouldn't do that dance in public

if you know what I mean.

You know, all this exercise made me lose my craving for junk food!

But I do have a sudden craving for carrot juice,

uh, be right back.

All wrapped up down here, dude!

Plug these most unctuous fat cell dudes into the bile pit!

Not the bile pit!

Bile hates fat!

We'll shrivel up and Woah!

We have indeed helped the coach to k*ll his cravings!

But how will we ever bon voyage his bod?

Ted! The coach is speed-walking to the K squared!

Quick! Let us motor to the Nostril Nook!

Greetings, P. J. clad mucous dudes!

Honorable Bill and Ted.

We thank you for helping save coach's body.

Well, we aren't out of the woods yet.

Or even the nose.

But hang on, sinus dudes.

One whoperette coming up.

Hold on, sinus-sans!

Coochie, coochie coo.

(VOCALIZING)

Excellent.

At last, I'm free of all my junk food cravings!

Free! Free!

The coach may have sneezed us back to San Dimas,

but how now to reinstate our previous stature and girth?

Only one way I can think of, dude.

Rufus said, to reverse the charges of a call,

just dial 9!

Look out below!

Most non-heinous, Bill!

For we are now both life size facsimiles of our former selves!

Excellent!

pleasure to bring you the Wyld Stallions!

Oh, they used to seem so puny.

I guess they had a growth spurt.

♪ Can't get you out of my head!

♪ Can't get you out of my head!

♪ Can't get you out of my head!

I don't know what it is! But something about these kid's music makes me pant!

Excellent!

♪ It's Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team!