02x05 - Goodbye, Columbus... and America

[bunniefuu]

I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!

Together, we are Wyld Stallyns!

Greetings, Excellent Ones.

Whoa!

♪ Life can be all you want it to be

♪ When you follow your dreams

♪ Join a team and always believe

♪ And soon your dreams will be reality

BILL & TED: Whoa!

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ They'll stay together

♪ Friends forever

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ Cruising in their time machine ♪

Party on, dudes.

Excellent!

But, Dad! Doing chores is a most non-triumphant way

for Ted and I to spend this excellent Saturday.

Sorry, Son. I've got a whole list of things I want you two to do.

No way!

Yes, way! And you can start by cleaning out the garage.

Bogus!

Look! It's your father, Ted!

Yo, Preston! What's going on?

The boys just volunteered to do some chores for me.

Great! When they're finished here, send 'em over to my place!

I've got enough chores to keep 'em busy

'til the Wyld Stallyns learn how to play music!

Double bogus!

(LAUGHING)

Ted, my friend, it is my sincere opinion

that the life of your average American teenager is

non, non, non-triumphant. (SIGHS)

As always, Bill, my friend, we find ourselves in total agreement!

(SNEEZES)

By the time we get through with the chores for my dad...

And my dad.

...and doing our homework...

And working our part-time jobs...

...it'll be Monday!

Yeah, Monday in the year 2000!

(BOTH SIGH)

Perhaps a little television will take our minds off this,

our most wretched and strenuous life!

And now, stay tuned for an all-new rerun of The Love Ship.

Whoa!

Dude, this is, without question, television at its finest!

Yeah, I'd trade my entire collection of Van Halen CD's

to be a guest star on that show!

Dude, that's it! What we need is a vacation aboard a Love Ship!

To soothe our overworked brains and bods!

Excellent! Let us quit this labor-intensive place!

And depart for a luxurious babe-filled cruise on...

The Love Ship!

for a most pleasurable Love Ship voyage!

Do not worry, Ted, my friend. We have packed most thoroughly.

All that we need now is a boat full of babes!

Then we must search the circuits of the Time Directory

for the most supreme Love Ship in all history!

Dude, I have found it!

Isabella's New World Voyage!

TED: This must be one of the original Love Ship cruises!

And it says here that there were three boats!

Whoa! That is one and a half boatloads

of babes for each of us!

Let's try this ship first, the Santa Maria.

1-555-1492.

SAILOR: We've been sailing for months and still no sight of land!

Yeah! Maybe the Earth is flat and we're gonna fall off its edge!

I tell you who's over the edge!

Our crazy captain. We should give up and go back to Spain!

Not on your life! We must find a short-cut to India

and prove the Earth, she's round!

Then I, Christopher Columbus, will become the most famous explorer in history!

(ALL SCREAMING)

What's the matter now, you chickens of the sea!

Why can't you be brave, like me?

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

What's that? Hey, what's that?

Greetings, Captain Dude. Allow us to introduce ourselves.

I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan.

We have come to party on this most excellent Love Ship!

Love Ship?

Hey, where's the swimming pool?

Yeah! And the shuffleboard?

And Gopher?

And Julie?

You two must be crazy cuckoos!

BOTH: No, we're Wyld Stallyns!

Take us to your leading babes!

Babies?

You know, females!

Females? There's no females onboard this vessel!

BOTH: No babes!

(EXCLAIMS)

What kind of Love Ship is this?

It appears you boys have made a most egregious error in logic.

You see, all Love Ships are boats, but not all boats are Love Ships.

Whoa, dude, he's right!

You're in 1492 and Columbus is on a long, hard voyage to discover America.

And I'm afraid, so are you gentlemen.

What do you mean?

All the time travel circuits are busy at the moment.

(BUSY SIGNAL)

Bogus!

Chill out, dudes. A line will open up soon.

In the meantime, I suggest you gentlemen party on as best you can.

Bill, this is indeed a most heinous turn of events!

Yeah, but you heard Rufus.

We came to party! And party we shall! Come on, dude!

Our guests have explained they come from a place called America,

which we are about to discover.

They only wish to party on and won't disturb us again!

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(YELLING)

Whoa! What's going on?

Looks like Columbus' ships are all turning around!

BOTH: Bogus!

(EXCLAIM)

Why the change in course, explorer dude?

We are going back to Spain and you are going back to where you came from!

But, Mr. Columbus! What about discovering America?

Let me tell you something!

If America is the home of dudes like you, then she's not worth discovering!

BOTH: Whoa!

COLUMBUS: Take this!

TED: Ooh! Dude! Time travel circuits are open again!

And not a moment too soon!

And that!

It appears we have over-stayed our welcome most grievously!

Yeah! Let us make history!

SAILORS: Mamma mia!

Ted, my friend, that vacation was most exciting.

BOTH: Not!

It is truly nice to be back in the hustle and bustle of good old San...

Dimas?

No way!

Dude, are you sure you dialed the right number?

Definitely! This is San Dimas!

Then someone has re-landscaped most extensively.

BOTH: Rufus?

Hello, chaps. Some very dramatic changes have taken place.

No kidding! What's with your new voice and attire, dude?

I'm afraid it's much more serious than that.

You see, because Columbus returned to Spain, he never proved the Earth was round

and consequently, no one ever discovered America.

Bogus!

Quite.

Look at the bright side, dude.

We won't have to clean out the garage anymore.

Huh?

virtually everyone and everything since 1492

has been most radically altered.

For example, my great-great-great-great grandparents were English.

And because they never moved to America,

as they were supposed to in the alternate past,

now I am English too. Cheers.

Mmm! I say, this tea is jolly good!

So now San Dimas and the rest of America is just like one big vacation park?

Precisely, old bean.

Outstanding!

I say, old chaps, I'm afraid you don't understand at all.

But you soon will.

Ted, my esteemed colleague?

Have you grasped the awesome implications of this development?

Totally! No more chores!

And no more school! And no more homework!

Nothing but the most beautious scenery!

And the freedom to do anything we want!

Excellent!

Now this is a vacation, hey, dude?

Most assuredly, fellow camper!

And the best part is, it never has to end!

(SIGHS)

Ah. I'm getting somewhat weary of listening to this CD that we brought along.

Yeah! Let us tune in to K-Bang, that paragon of heavy metal radio stations!

Ted, my friend, that is one superior idea.

(RADIO PLAYS LOUD STATIC)

Whoa!

What happened to K-Bang?

Dude! There is no more K-Bang.

Or any other radio stations.

No one ever built any!

Most non-triumphant!

This is ultra-ultra non-triumphant!

I knew we should've brought along more CDs.

Where are you going?

I am indeed most hungry, Bill.

I think I shall have a pepperoni pizza delivered to us.

Dude! There are no more pizza parlors

or burger joints! Or frosted slushies!

Whoa! What else is this most primitive and isolated of places lacking?

Hmm.

BOTH: Babes! (CRYING)

Bill, my friend, I just thought of something else

we should've brought along with us on this vacation.

What is that, Ted, my friend?

A Winnebago!

Count your blessings, dude. You did bring along this blanket.

I did not bring any blanket!

You must've, dude! I didn't bring it.

Anyway, it is most soft, warm and snuggly.

But, Bill, (STAMMERING) my friend, that is no blanket!

What're you talking about, dude? Of course, it's a blanket.

What else could it...

Ahh!

BOTH: Whoa!

BOTH: Go! Go! Go!

Ted, my colleague, I am beginning to wonder if we did not,

in fact, take our former homes for granted!

I'm inclined to agree! Perhaps life in the old San Dimas was not so heinous after all.

BOTH: Bogus!

Am I to understand that you have gained a certain, enlightenment

as to your present situation?

Most emphatically, Rufus!

I guess you could say that we were all wet.

But what can we do to remedy this most lamentable of situations?

One thing only. You must travel to Spain in 1492

and convince Columbus to resume his voyage.

Easier said than done, Rufus.

Yeah. I'm afraid we have made a most unfavorable impression on that explorer dude.

Nevertheless, it is the only way. So I suggest you chaps get cracking!

And keep a stiff upper lip. Cheerio!

When we left Columbus, he was headed east. Back to Spain.

East it is!

Bill, my friend, I can say with reasonable certainty that this is not 1492.

And that is most assuredly not a welcoming committee!

Whoa!

Don't you see? Get off the street!

Rodan is destroying all of Tokyo!

Tokyo?

As in Japan?

Run away!

It would appear that you have dialed a bit too far east!

No way!

Yes, way!

Off hand, I would say we are in a Japanese monster movie! Look!

I watched this movie once, but I fell asleep!

I do not think you will nod off this time!

Ted, we are losing the booth!

We must make serious tracks!

Whoa!

BILL: Hang on!

BOTH: We're history!

Welcome, my Queen!

Christopher Columbus, I have come to dine at your new restaurant.

Queen Isabella, I am most honored! Allow me to escort your Royal Majesty...

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPING)

BOTH: Hello again, explorer dude!

Not you two! No!

Allow us, thoroughly soaked babe.

Oh!

(SCOFFS)

Dude! We have come to apologize most sincerely

for the numerous faux pas of our last meeting.

Yeah. And to humbly request that you complete your voyage to discover America!

Save your breath! I'm not going any place you meatballs come from!

BILL: But Mr. Columbus, dude, think of all the rewards!

TED: Yeah! You get your own holiday!

And your own town in Ohio.

And your own show! Where you wear a rain coat and catch criminals!

You get to be a big hero!

One of the biggest! We're talking maximum babe potential here!

Silenzio! Because of you, I've turned

my back on exploring and gone into the restaurant business.

Now get out of my face!

Look, dude. He's turned his ship into a restaurant.

The Santa Maria Pizzeria?

Wow! We must find a way to change that explorer dude's unfavorable opinion of us

or he will never discover America!

Ted, I have a truly inspired idea.

Come on!

We shall demonstrate our good intentions to Columbus

by entertaining the customers of his new restaurant.

But, Bill, electricity has yet to be invented.

There's no way for us to power our guitars!

We shall plug them into our boom box, Ted!

It runs on batteries!

Excellent!

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC LOUDLY)

Greetings, babes and dudes of 1492!

Presenting to you, live...

On their triumphant tour through time and space...

BOTH: Wyld Stallyns!

(EXCLAIMS)

BOTH: And together, we are Wyld Stallyns!

Look, dude! Look!

TED: It appears the Wyld Stallyns have lost none of their magic.

BOTH: Whoa!

Good riddance! Now, let's haul anchor and set sail!

We're going back into the exploring business!

(GRUNTS) Shove off, boys!

ALL: Aye-aye, Captain!

Where are you going, dude?

I give up! To America! Anything to get you two to leave me alone.

Arrivederci.

Did you hear that?

Yeah! Now let us go home.

Excellent!

Greetings, gentlemen.

Rufus! You are back to normal!

And so is everything else.

Thanks to both of you, Columbus did go on to discover America.

Frankly, I am relieved that I shall not have to spend the rest of my life

looking and talking like a reject from Masterpiece Theatre.

Any thoughts on your vacation, gentlemen?

Well, that other San Dimas sure was beautiful,

but so is this one, in a different way.

Ted, that is most profound.

Dude, I just thought of the perfect way for us to celebrate this,

our most triumphant return.

(WHISPERING)

Excellent!

Later, Rufus!

If not sooner, gentlemen.

Okay, Preston, I got over here as fast as I could!

Now what do you want to show me?

This!

Hi, Dad!

Wow!

BOTH: Excellent!

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures!

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team!