03x02 - The Moon Tree

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: I've seen so much blood.

What are you going
to do about it?

I'm gonna k*ll the General,
and you're gonna help me.

MAN: Oh, no.

We don't need you.
We don't want you.

[YELLING]

[GROANING]

The gods are dead.

Queen Antedia, you could
feed us to your pigs.

Who will give me
three silver pieces?

There'll come a day in the
future when I'll call upon you.

WOMAN: Behold!

From this day forward
you are... Quant.

Excellent.

I've come to make you an
offer. In exchange for what?

The girl. WOMAN: Lokka is angry.

Where is she? It takes time.

We don't have time.

Let us feast.

Tell me, child. Why did
you really come here?

f*ck the gods.

[HOOTS]

[MAN COUGHS]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

[BREATHING HEAVILY] [COUGHING]

[RETCHING]

[MAN GAGGING]

[CLANGS]

[CAWING]

[YELPS]

Get back!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[PANTING]

[CLANGS]

That...

That...

[DOG CHEWING]

And...

♪ Well you can bump and grind

♪ It is good for your mind

♪ Well you can twist and
shout let it all hang out

♪ But you won't fool the
children of the revolution

♪ No you won't fool the
children of the revolution

♪ No way!

♪ Wow ♪

[RAIN PATTERING, THUNDERING]

MAN: Are you ready to say sorry?

You can't spend all day
down there. You'll perish.

And you'll catch... everything.

Look, I know he's a b*stard.

We all are, but...

Please, just... just
say you're sorry.

Your Majesty.

[GRUNTS] [GASPS]

[GOATS BLEATING]

[WOMAN COUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

I was by the chalk place
this morning. Saw something.

What? Something strange.

How strange? Very strange.

What was it?

A dragon. How big?

Don't humour him.
You're being an arse.

What, breathing fire?

All right. Describe what
happened word for word.



Sage-coloured flanks, mustardy
wings with purple veins,

claws big as icicles.

She turns to me,
opens her scaly maw,

breathes a giant
plume of orange fire,

roughly the size of a
medium to large haystack.

That's not nice. [SNIGGERS]

Something funny?

Oi, you!

What's so funny? Yes?

What's so funny witch?
Nothing. Nothing, sorry.

Do you want back
down the drop, eh?

Do you want back down
the drop? No, sir.[GAGS]

- Tania. - No, master.
- Louder!

No, Master. Five silver pieces.

Too much by thrice.
Can't clean, talks back.

Tell her, pitch the roof.
Back to the market [GROANS]

Buy an hog, feed her
to it. [LAUGHING]

Eat the f*cking hog.
[LAUGHS] Who's in?

[LAUGHS] I'm in.

I promise Master, I will
never talk back again.

Before I forget...

[WEASELS SQUEAKING]

What's that? Weasels.

Found a romp of them up river.

You want me to k*ll 'em? No.

I want you to teach 'em to sing
and dance in a line.[LAUGHING]

I'm a weasel. I'm a weasel.
I'm a weasel. I'm a weasel.

I'm a weasel. I'm a weasel.
I'm a weasel. I'm a weasel.

Weasels stock gives me
wind. What was that?

Nothing.

You want to watch
yourself there, brother.

You watch yourself.

Yeah, you're right, Mum.
He is a choosy b*stard.

[SIGHS]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

You... Witch!

My name is Blaine. I'm an
associate of the General.

Sorry, I don't know
what that means.

[SCOFFS]

My Lady...

The witch.

Oh...

Tell me about the girl.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[WATER FLOWING] [SOFT
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

VERAN: What the hell.
It is written here.

VERAN: The name
is? f*ck the Gods.

[GASPING, SOBBING]

[EAGLE SCREECHING]

[PEOPLE CHANTING]

How is he?

The fever has worsened.

We need to talk. What about?

Thrilled as I am by
your unexpected arrival

and conscious of the reasons
for your lengthy trip.

Reasons? There's only
one reason I'm here.

I'm general of this legion.

The legion has its own rules,
and crucially, crucially,

it has its own f*cking dogs.

So? So you can't
just waltz in here

and eat my right hand
man. Your right hand man

was about to have you
m*rder*d. Yes, I know.

I knew that before he did. You
know, I wasn't born yesterday.

I didn't just crawl
out from under a stone.

I'm Aulus "f*cking"
Plautius. Then, where is she?


a f*cking clue.

That is Aulus Plautius.

An empty suit of armour, a
put on, wash out, no-show.

A vain, preening, disappointing,
flabby, floppy failure.

The girl had a sister, Islene.
She died in the invasion.

The witch says if the sister asked
her to do something, she will do it.

So?

So, we want you to
go and talk to her.

What? [SCOFFS]

Um, she's dead.

Oh! Oh, yes. Oh...

One tiny little detail
you left out, darling.

But you visited their dead.
f*cking bigmouthed witch!

She said she took you there.

Didn't feel like
mentioning that? Mm.

What else aren't you telling me?

So what are you gonna do?
Don't you worry about that.

You tell me. You know
I love you, my darling,

but you underestimate
me at your peril.

Come now.

Well, I'll go to the underworld
and I'll speak to the sister.

But if we are going
to work together,

there has to be
some ground rules.

Well, come on. One...

You don't eat anyone
without my say-so.

- Agreed.
- Two... If we're gonna work together, no secrets.

I'll tell you what I
know, you do the same.

Agreed. Three...

This c*ck. Get rid.

Want to be able to
speak to my wife alone.

Blaine is my close advisor.

He's a ponce. He's
beloved of Lokka.

He is a c**t.

Blaine, darling...
High priestess...

f*ck off for a bit.

High priestess...

You weren't so fussy last night.

Where was I?

Four. Four...

- The Celtic Queen.
- Your wh*re. - Asset.

Bet she's got a guilty one.

Amena is valuable to me and
I want to keep it that way.

Can I f*ck her? She's fun.

Well, let's put a
pin in that for now.

But just leave her alone.
And you don't speak to her,

you don't let jolly boy
speak to her, you understand?

I don't remember you
being this tense in Rome.

Just relax.

I'm only here for one reason.

I won't be wasting my
time on local colour.

Twopenny scrubbers don't
know the sh*t they're in.

Besides...

Lokka's thirst for
the sacrament of flesh

has been well sated.

For now.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

BLAINE: She's on to you.

What did you say? Come on,

you're sharper than that.

But not that sharp, eh?

What are you insinuating?

Oh, "insinuating."
Oh, that's a big word.

I'm in-si-nu-ating

that, whatever your plan is,

tethered up that
sleeve, it needs work.

Seriously...

You need to use the whole brain.

What of that cunny
c**t cunning in there?

Dream up something...
a smidge smarter,

teeny bit more brilliant.

But do it fast, because
he may buy more of this.

But she doesn't.

Nice bum.

That bum.

Yummy bum.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[METAL CLANGING]

[DOOR OPENING]

[THUDS]

Thirsty?

You wasn't really
a queen, was you?

You mean, did I have

treasures? A throne?

Loyal subjects...
once upon a time?

Um, I don't believe you. So...

These days, I hardly
believe it myself.

Was you, was you married?

Mm. What happened to him?

He died

in battle.

If you married again,

that man, would he be king?

He would indeed.

Would he have his own horse?

He'd have a hundred horses

ships

gold,

and he wouldn't eat weasel stew.

He'd eat swan.

Swan? With all the trimmings.

[CHUCKLING] [COUGHING
IN DISTANCE]

It would be best if you
get some sleep, yeah.

Good night, Brooke.
Good night, then.

Good night, Mum.

[THUNDERING]

[ALL CLAMOURING]

Behold!

[CLAMOURING CONTINUES]

MAN: So, what do you
think? Is he gonna make it?

I'm just saying. It's
a pretty deep wound.

Listen, Quant, we
have a prophecy.

And if you knew the first
thing about the prophecy,

You'd know the
Veran doesn't die.

The Veran lives for another...

What the f*ck...

Forget it. Forget it.
I'm not even going to.

[EXHALES] Does the prophecy
say the chosen one pitches up

and cuts the Veran's throat,

and then [WHISTLES] does one

to who knows where.

♪ ["CAN'T FIND MY
WAY HOME" PLAYING] ♪

♪ Come down off your throne

♪ And leave your body alone

♪ Somebody must change

♪ You are the reason
I've been waiting so long

♪ Somebody holds the key

♪ Well, I'm near the end

♪ And I just ain't got the time

♪ And I'm wasted

♪ And I can't find
My way home... ♪

[INDISTINCT CLAMOURING]

[GRUNTING] SOLDIER:
What are you doing?

♪ Come down on your own
And leave your body alone

♪ Somebody must change... ♪

Where do you think the egg
is? ♪ You are the reason

♪ I've been waiting
All these years

♪ Somebody holds the key

♪ But I'm near the end

♪ And I just ain't got the time

♪ Lord, and I'm wasted

♪ And I can't find my way home ♪

Swap you this brooch
for the shoes.

I want coins. I
don't have any coins.

Well, get out, then. Go
on, get out, you little...

OK, now guess which
cup is the egg under?

Are you sure.

OK, I'm sorry, Sir.

You've lost again.
Anyone else like a go?

Let's make some money.

[COUNTING CADENCE]

Dip, dip, blue ship, who is it?

Is it you?

Dip, dip, sky blue,
who is it? Not you.

Dip, dip, sky blue, who is it?

Centurion Viticus!

[SHUSHING] Hey, hey!

SOLDIER: Attention! [MEN STOMP]

General. Since we arrived here,
you've shown great courage,

guile, grit, guts!

So, congratulations.
You're my new Praefectus.

[CHUCKLES] Um, what
happened to Vitus?

Um, yes. Well, he was
summoned back to Rome.

Short notice.

- I'm Praefectus?
- Well, you see, you put the hours in, pays off.

I will die for the
glory of the knight.

Well, I don't doubt it.

[CROWD CHEERING]

So keep an eye on which
cup the egg is under.

Which one is it? MAN:
I'm done with you.

[CLAPPING] CAIT: Come on, lads.

I've got one more trick for
you, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm going to need a volunteer.

Come on. You look like
you like a bit of fun.

Who's feeling adventurous?
SOLDIER: Up you go.[MAN GRUNTS]

Nobody? Oh, hello.

[CLAPPING] CAIT: Big round
of applause for my friend.

Have I got a surprise for you.

[CLUCKING]

- Have you met my friend?
- What? I'd like you to look

very, very closely.

That's it. Look very closely.

That's it. Is she the fairest
maiden your eyes have ever seen?

Yes, she is. [CROWD LAUGHING]

You're in luck.

For she seeks a husband
this very night.

Are you an honourable
suitor, sir?

Oh, I am. [CROWD LAUGHING]

Now, do you take this chicken

to be your wife?

I do. [CROWD LAUGHING, CLAPPING]

That's enough. Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much.
Excellent. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank
you so much. Cheers.

Here.

I'm not hungry.

You blame yourself?

No, I don't.

Everybody else does.
So I don't have to.

They've got it covered.

What they forget is

while they're all hiding
and wringing their hands,

and dancing, and f*cking about,

I was out there
working my ba*ls off.

I took a tiny, foolish,
speck of a girl,

and I make her into a...

It's true.

Nobody spent that time with her.

They can say and
think what they want.

Only you truly know her.

And her heart.

So tell me, has she deserted us?

Do we need a new sign?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[PEOPLE EXCLAIM]

[CROWD GASPS]

[CROWD CLAPPING]

[EXHALES] [TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]

[CROWD GASPS]

[GASPS]

[CROWD CLAPPING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

WOMAN: Where's you
going? Badgering.

Get us a stoat. Get your own.

Majesty.

[METAL CLANGING]

Stay there.

[SNIFFS]

[CLAMOURING]

Hello, missy.

The money from your little show.

It's mine. I don't think so.

Give me the money. It's hers.

She earned it. f*ck off.

[GRUNTING] [GROANS]

That's it. Now turn around
and walk away with both ba*ls.

Seems I'm surplus to
requirements. Hmm, seems so.

Well, goodbye.

You hungry? Not particularly.

Come on. I've had a good
day. I've had a sh*t day.

Is that wine? It's also sh*t.

Swap you a leg for some sh*t wine,
but you have to pluck the rest.

So

You do need my help.

Don't push it.

It's a moon tree. Moon what?

Moon tree. They
come out at night

and only appear
after one moon in 12.

Put it in weasel stew.

It will make it taste
like the finest swan.

Fit for a king.

You'll find them in the
forest. I need two dozen.

No, I can't.

Rork likes his weasel stew
done in a certain way.

The way that mum does it.
Trust me. He'll love it.

Mum, too.

A king?

With a hundred horses.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

CAIT: Where are you
from? Me? All over.

Doing what? [SCOFFS]
You name it.

Musician, carpenter, soldier,
beggar, salt farmer, fireman,

goatherd... Wait, you
were a salt farmer?

Many, many moons ago.

And I can tell you,
that is a sh*t job.

My dad was a salt
farmer. Was he?

Well, he must be a
better man than me.

Or a total fool.

I couldn't hack it.

Hard, hard ground.

He still at it?

I don't know.

My name is Lucius.

Cait.

CAIT: And then my mother died,

and we moved west to
live with my uncle.

He's a bit like you, been
everywhere, done everything.

Legion? Hmm. Exactly. Decrepit.

And he knew of its conjuring.

And he showed me
great stuff and...

Amazing stuff.

And then the invasion happened.

And I've been
escaping ever since.

Then you came along
and interrupted it all.

The end.

You know, when you
go around the world

and see as much as I
have, you learn a lot.

And one of the things you
learn... is to spot a lie.

And I can tell you, that I think
every word you've just told me,

with the exception
of the bit about

growing up on a salt
farm and your name,

is 100% copper-bottomed,

ocean-going bullshit.

Listen, you don't have to
tell me if you don't want to.

Most of people's lives
are just stories anyway.

- Well, I guess I'll have.
- To work on it. - Well, you have time.

You haven't. f*ck off.

Anyway, I don't mind.
I like a good yarn.

LUCIUS: Here's a good game.

I'll tell you a story.

And you have to
tell me if it's true

or bullshit. Agreed?

Agreed.

If I told you, among
all the jobs I've done,

that one was a soldier.

Well, I was a soldier.

A Roman soldier.

I joined the Legion as a
boy and I went all over.

This one time, we were guarding
some temple. Jerusalem.

We'd rounded up a
bunch of troublemakers.

They called themselves messiahs.

They grow them down
there like corn.

Anyway, the rule was
we'd crucify them

for a couple of days, to show
they were nothing special.

This one

he'd been up there all
day, sun frying his brain.

My officer suggested
I finish him off.

Do him a favour.

So I did.

I took his spear

and I pushed it
through his heart.

Only

it felt like I was
the one being stabbed.

And I stood holding the spear.

And for a few seconds

my heart choked
on its own blood.

So I look up,

and he's glowing. [SCOFFS]

All I see is light.

I laughed it off.

I got pissed for three days.

And then I'm walking
through some market and...

I see the man I k*lled.

And he looked at me.

And he knew who I was.

I know who you are, too.

It was you. [SCREAMING]

You did it. Cait, listen to me.

I went to your home,
I met your father.

No. No. He told
me all about you.

Your sister's name was Islene.
No. I'm a f*cking idiot.

Idiot.

I know who you are and I need
you to listen very carefully.

I have something for you.
Something very, very important.

Away from me! Cait!

[LUCIUS GRUNTS]

You can't escape
this. None of us can!

[PANTING]

LUCIUS: Cait!

Cait!

f*ck.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

VITICUS: Oh, good
evening, Your Majesty.

Good evening.

I'm Viticus, the new Praefectus.

And? I'm replacing Vitus.

He had to go back to
Rome on short notice.

I heard.

The General has asked to
see you in his quarters.

Sorry.

[SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll leave you to your asset.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

Good evening.

AULUS: There you are.

Drink?

I thought we should
have a little chat.

About the other night. You
don't have to say anything.

What? I loved it.

[CHUCKLES] What?

Every minute.

- Really?
- I want to know all about your master.

I want to know everything.

Mmm.

Was coming back from market.
Saw something strange.

What?

Roman.

Well... It weren't a Roman.

It was. It wasn't a
Roman, it was a tree?

[LAUGHS] It had a
sword and a shield.

And leaves and branches.
No Romans up here.

There is now. Is it nice?

I saw it with my own eyes.

And six mugs of
cider. Look. Romans...

Hey, we're talking.
Shut the f*ck up.

- Sorry, Brother.
- Yeah. How about...

What's this? Those
are moon trees.

What? Moon tree.

They make weasel
stew taste like swan.

What the f*ck are
you talking about?

It's fit for a king
with a hundred horses.

Where did you find
them? The forest.

We do weasel stew mum's
way. Always the same.

[LAUGHS] So why have you...

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

[GRUNTS] What's happening? Look.

I can't feel my feet.

Got mice in me skin.

[LAUGHING]

I'm pissing my drawers.

[RETCHING]

What have you done?

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there
was a little princess

who had an old uncle she
simply couldn't stand.

So she ran away to the forest,

where she met a witch.

And she told the witch the
story of the evil uncle

and what he'd done to her.

And the witch said,
"I know a way"

"you can send your uncle to
the darkest part of hell."

[SOBBING]

And the old witch
went to her shelf

and she fetched down a jar.

"Oh, what are those?"
Asked the princess.

"These", replied the
witch, "are moon trees."

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[WOMAN WEEPING]

Good citizens of
this benighted vale,

I am Antedia,
Queen of the Regni.

What's happening? I was
born sweet and cheerful,

but then the gods,
in all their wisdom,

robbed me of my only son.

And I changed.

I became a vengeful, cunning,

merciless, black-hearted b*tch.

But fear not, you
people will only feel

the faintest
flicker of my wrath.

Because I'm saving it up.

Because in these isles,
there lives another

upon whom I seek true vengeance.

And so, it only remains
for me to say to you

meat-headed, diabolic,
inbred c**ts.

[GRUNTS] brace yourselves.

[SCREAMING]

Can you hear me, Aulus Plautius?

I'm coming for you.

[CLUCKING]

[GASPS] Hundred horses.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

QUANE: His wound is not healing.

What if he dies?

Does not pay to think that way.

Quane... The prophecy says.

There's nothing in the prophecy
about me k*lling the first man.

Nothing about this.
What's happening, Quane?

If the prophecy...

You have learnt much.

And I say I cannot fool you.

My boy, we have
entered a new age,

an age so dark the words of the
prophets can no longer be seen.

Whatever is happening.

Whatever is unfolding,
it is not yet written.

She won't desert us.

How can you be sure?
Because I know her.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[HORSE SNORTS]

[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS]