Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge (2024)

[bunniefuu]

It's time

for breakfast!

You all right?

Ohh... yeah, I just had

a really messed-up dream

about one of my

favourite kids' stories.

- Which one?

- It doesn't matter.

Don't worry, I don't know

a single nightmare

that became a reality.

How long 'til we get there?

We've been driving for hours.

Hey, Jas, how's

your twin brother, Nav?

He's good, thanks.

He's got exams right now,

so he couldn't join us today.

By the way, you said

Simon was coming.

How's he getting here?

Oh, sh*t! Turn right!

What are teenagers doing here

in the middle of the woods?

Hey, guys,

I think we're almost there.

- So good to see you!

- How are you?

- I'm well.

- Good.

You told me this place

was in the middle of nowhere.

Yet I ran into a bunch

of annoying, annoying teenagers.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- That's strange.

- Anyway.

Kelly!

- Good to see you, Simon!

- Likewise.

Aww, come here!

Who's Bilbo Baggins?

- I'm George.

- Nice to meet you. How are you?

- Simon!

- Good to see you, man.

- How you doing, brother?

- Not bad.

- Looking real as always!

- I'm trying.

How was Ukraine?

Er, I wanted to stay longer.

I was helping the refugees.

- A very difficult situation.

- Mm-hmm.

Your Sikh friends were helping.

Very good people.

Wish I had stayed longer, but

I had to take care of family.

Talking of family,

how's your twin brother, Nav?

- He's okay now.

- Good to hear.

- How long you been waiting?

- Only about 45 minutes.

There's no key under the mat.

There has to be an explanation.

Do you have the owner's number?

Yeah, I'll give them a call.

It's just voicemail.

Hi, we're at the location,

but there's no key

under the mat.

If you could give us

a call back, please.

Hello?

Well, how is that possible?

They're saying they sent us

to the wrong location.

Are you kidding me?

It's gonna be dark soon.

You guys travelled miles.

Did you see

any accommodations on the way?

No, there was nothing

around for miles.

No, I got no Wi-fi.

I could give them another call,

see what they say.

Oh, really?

That worked out well, didn't it?

What are we gonna do now?

Okay, it's only one night.

Let's look around the house.

Possibly we can find a way in.

- That's just fantastic.

- Let's go.

I need the loo anyways.

And some caffeine and some food.

Guys, where are you going?

Hello?

Hello? Is anybody...?

Hello? Is anybody here?

Is this a good idea?

I don't think they would

want us to go hungry.

- Hello?

- Okay.

Anybody in?

Hey, so...

I know it's...

I know it's not ideal,

but, yeah,

this door's breakable.

Can I have a look?

Okay,

let's just do this.

Let's give it a good barge.

All right. One, two, three.

Let's not think about this.

Just do it.

Yeah, let's do this.

Okay. One, two...

We're in.

Yeah.

I'm gonna have a look around.

What are you waiting for?

Come in.

Ooh! Nice house!

It is. But I don't feel

right about it.

I'm gonna find

the Wi-fi password.

Then let's eat.

It's the kitchen for me.

Let me go find the bathroom.

Why do they make beds

so soft these days?

Although I have

no reason to complain.

There's something

not right about this place.

Four bowls?

Four of everything.

What?

No food? Are you kidding me?

Surely there's got to be Wi-fi.

Hmm...

There's no bloody food

except porridge.

- At least we've got breakfast.

- So, I found a house phone.

But it's disconnected.

Okay, this is

certainly strange, but...

It's only one night.

Let's make the best of it.

George, any luck on the Wi-fi?

Nope.

- My bad.

- Like Simon said...

It's only one night.

Okay, I've got

a good suggestion

that will be good.

We've got food in the car,

let's make it easy.

Cook something up.

Ooh! Sorry!

Are you trying

to make me more nervous?

- Are you okay?

- It's okay.

I think I'm just a bit

pissed off about the house.

That's okay.

Try not to think about it.

We'll get it fixed. At least

we've got somewhere to stay.

That's true.

Are you not running the bath?

Yeah, I'm just

running the water.

Oh, okay. I think

I might have one tonight.

That's a good idea.

Let's just make the most of it.

Besides...

Place

has no f*cking Internet!

Let's just make

the most of it.

You know?

Did George Baggins

find any Internet?

- Oh, don't ask.

- Huh.

You know, on the plus side,

I did remember the wine.

Oh my gosh, that's awesome!

Ooh, good,

did you bring the chocolates?

Like I said, it could be worse.

Oxford suit,

best in the business.

Excuse me!

What's the deal with the people

who own this place?

There's no wine glasses,

no proper kitchenware.

There's just f*cking plastic.

I've gotta agree.

It's kind of strange.

Maybe they're selling the place?

Or maybe long-term rental?

Or maybe they've gone abroad.

Mm, that would explain

the no Wi-fi.

I think it's good

we're all catching up

after a few

stressful weeks at work

and everything that's gone on.

Wait... "Everything

that's gone on"?

Well, I invested

in the stock market,

and I suppose

you could say I lost my a*s.

Look, you're smart enough

to bounce back.

You still have

your house, right?

Well, I mean, these help.

Although sometimes

they do make you see things.

Come on, darling.

You know you don't need those.

You can always come to me.

You know that.

I know.

You know, we all make

mistakes in life.

Some more than others.

But it's about how we

bounce back that matters most.

We know you will.

That's true.

You know, I love you guys.

If I lost any money,

I'd f*cking blow my head off.

You always make

me laugh, George.

Any time.

Look on the bright side.

There's a lot worse

going on in the world today.

Yeah, like,

If I don't get a pizza soon,

I'm gonna be the one

eating those pills.

Let's get pizza tomorrow night.

Ah! I thought

you only eat salads, Kelly.

Er, excuse me, am I

the only one drinking here?

Oh, sh*t, yeah.

- Let's go.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Guys, are you still doing

those kiddie pranks?

- Of course.

- Oh my God.

Don't tell me

you still do the crap with,

"We have to wear

the same clothes

every time we go away."

We do.

I'm waiting for you to tell me

we didn't actually break in,

and you actually know

who lives here,

and we do actually have Wi-fi

and actual food in a fridge.

Oh, come on!

I suggest we pay the damages

and not have the shenanigans

we had this time.

I'll drink to that.

Although we do have

to be up early in the morning.

Bed now? For everyone?

I gotta go check on the car.

Yep. Coming.

- You okay?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

Nicole.

Nicole.

sh*t.

Happy birthday!

Guys, you could've given me

a bloody heart attack.

I think somebody deserves this.

Yes, I do need this.

Happy birthday.

Oh, George!

Here you go.

We got you something.

You shouldn't have.

Oh, you guys!

It's being delivered

to your apartment.

You're bloody fantastic

when you're not scaring

the crap out of me.

Thank you so much.

It's okay, just try

not to have too many nightmares.

- I'll try not to.

- Appreciate it.

Thank you.

I'm gonna crash. I gotta prepare

for a full day tomorrow

without Internet.

You can't keep off

social media, can you?

I'm so glad

I was a kid in the '80s.

Good night.

Sleep well if you can.

I will do after that jump scare.

I think you deserve

a little bit more.

Oh.

I do hope you're going to help

me finish this bottle of wine.

I kinda quit

alcohol last summer.

Oh. Why is that?

I'll tell you another time.

Gosh, you're so mysterious!

- Why?

- I am?

Mmm, very much so.

- I hope in a good way.

- Yes.

Quite so. Yeah,

you know, all night,

I've been wanting to kiss you.

Come on, the wine's talking now.

No, no, no it's not.

So your birthday has been

quite interesting, hasn't it?

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

Come on, have

a little bit more wine.

- You can drink.

- I can drink.

Yes. Thank you.

Well, listen,

you have a lovely night.

And don't let anybody

sleep in your room

because you don't know

who to trust anymore.

Thank God this bed's not hard.

This bed is just right.

Who's making that bloody noise?

It's 4 am!

Ahh, who's been

eating my porridge?

- Good morning, Simon.

- Good morning, sir. How are you?

I'm good.

How was your night?

Ahh, it was okay.

Just, you know, I'm starving now

cos I did a bit of workout.

I know how you feel.

Mm-hmm. Mmm!

This doesn't taste very good.

How's yours?

Mine's a bit too hot.

Yeah. I gotta ask you, right?

Don't you think it's strange?

Four plates, four bowls...

Like, what...

what the f*ck?

- What do you think?

- Yeah.

- It does seem a bit strange.

- Mm-hmm.

Maybe they like the number four?

Could be a family of four.

So did you really do

this or was it one of the guys?

Perhaps Nicole or Kelly.

Aww! Good morning!

- Good morning.

- Oh, someone's made breakfast!

- Good job, Simon!

- Oh!

Just talking to Jas about that.

We don't know

who did it, you know?

Don't know, it's strange.

How did you sleep?

Ah, well, some may say

like a baby bear.

Here I am. Oh, sweet!

Porridge and a cup of tea!

Perfect thing to wake me up

after being shafted

by a cold shower.

Well, I can think

of other ways to start the day.

Geez!

That tea was way too hot!

Sorry, guys.

Oh, George!

- Mmm.

- Oh, no.

Oh, God.

That porridge is way too cold!

You know what you

can actually do?

Pour the hot tea

in your porridge

and have it that way.

Genius!

Mmm. Now this is just right.

- Thanks, Simon.

- Mm-hmm.

Has anyone seen Nicole?

- No.

- I'm gonna go for a shower soon,

so I can check in on her room

and see if she's still in there.

Good luck with the shower.

- What do you mean?

- No hot water.

I checked the water supply

this morning.

Turns out somebody

has cut off the water tank.

- Oh.

- Does anyone know about this?

Who cuts off the water supply

on the first night?

- Yeah.

- That's not normal.

You are overthinking it.

- I don't think I am.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- This tastes off.

- How's yours?

- Really hot.

You mean cold.

How much wine did you drink?

I'm gonna go get

a shower and let this cool down.

Mm-hmm.

We've got to get ready

to leave as well soon.

I had to put another jumper on.

I was getting cold.

- Ohh.

- Where's the car?

It was just there

last night.

You telling me

she's driven off without us?

Hey, guys, we can't find...

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Is this another prank?

So you really think

it's Nicole?

Yeah, she's been

having, like, medication stuff.

Simon, are you okay?

I've just got a bad headache,

that's all.

No, she's been taking

a lot of...

Grab him, Jas.

Let's get him inside.

Come on, Simon.

Come on.

God.

What could it be?

Not sure.

Maybe something he ate?

All he's had is porridge

and a protein bar.

I think he's been poisoned.

That's not possible.

We all ate the porridge.

I knew

we should've had a fry-up.

It's not the time

for jokes.

- Sorry.

- I'll get him a glass of water.

Good idea.

Don't worry, Simon.

I'll get you some help.

- Want me to come with?

- No thanks, George.

I'll be quicker on my own.

Where are you going?

Don't go too far!

- Simon?

- Who's there?

You'll be okay.

Yeah, you're still quite hot.

Does that mean get some water?

I'll get you a glass of water.

Hello?

Hello?

sh*t, I just saw

someone outside.

What the hell?

It's probably just

Jas playing games.

No, that is not Jas.

Did we lock the doors?

I think so.

Unless Jas is Houdini,

that's probably just a bunch

of kids messing around.

That's not possible. We are

the only house in this forest.

- It's literally just us.

- What about the landline?

- Still not working.

- sh*t.

It's not a good idea to call

the police when we broke in.

sh*t! What're we gonna do?

We're gonna have to stick

together until Jas gets back.

There's no telling how long

that'll be. I need to check.

You can't do that.

You don't know who's outside.

It's probably the f*cking kids.

Just stay here, check on Simon,

and lock the door.

sh*t!

Jas?

Jas!

Just as bad as Nicole.

Wake up now!

Got to get

it together, George.

Get it together.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Look, whoever this is...

Just f*ck off!

Kelly! Kelly!

Kelly! Kelly!

Wake up!

There are people outside.

- Who?

- I don't know, four people.

Oh, is it those b*stard

teenagers again?

- I don't know.

- I'll kick their bloody arses.

I need some f*cking sleep.

Just stay

behind me, okay?

It's warm down here.

George, did you

f*cking wake me up for this?

No, no, no!

There was four of them.

And they were

wearing these masks.

And... and...

Oh, for God's sake.

Er...

Simon's still asleep

and Jas will be back soon.

Sorry, Kelly.

My bad.

Just take it down, okay?

What?

George!

George!

George, come here!

Who the f*ck are they?

I don't know.

We should do something.

We should go get her.

No, no, no,

something doesn't seem right.

I can run really fast.

I can go untie her.

Er, this looks like a trap.

- sh*t!

- Erm...

Okay, I'll go out

and distract them.

You untie her fast.

And I mean fast.

Okay. I need to go get changed.

We should do something.

- Ready?

- Mm-hmm.

Then let's go.

Let's go, let's go.

What the hell?

Ta-da!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

What is going on?

f*ck!

Hmm.

Before, it didn't look right,

but now it's just right.

Come on! Come on!

Get the f*ck in the car.

Get the f*ck in!

- sh*t!

- How'd you find the car?

Does that matter right now?

It was round the side.

Simon!

Simon!

f*cking car! Drive!

I can't!

Kelly, run!

No, no, no, please!

Oh, God, no!

Oh, God, no! Please!

Please, get off me!

Ohh, God!

It's breakfast time.

You couldn't escape from me.

Like one big, happy family.

You can't just do this sh*t

and expect to get away with it.

Mmm... maybe you

should have thought

not to break

into the house! Hmm?

- Who are you?

- Hmm?

For every action you take,

there is a consequence.

I am Goldilocks,

and these are the three bears!

Goldilocks?

Oh, f*ck off!

You're just a bunch

of f*cking psychos

with Halloween masks!

You look ridiculous!

Let's try again, shall we?

You broke into our house.

You slept on our beds.

You broke our chair.

You ate our porridge!

And now you accuse us

to be criminals?

No, no, no.

You are the real criminals.

We're the ones serving justice.

Go f*ck yourself!

No, no, no!

Get off!

Get off me! Get off me!

No, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry! Please!

I'm sorry! No! No!

Get off me! Get off me!

Please! Please!

No! No! No!

No! Don't

Whatever you're going to do,

you really don't have to do it.

I think this one

also wants to play.

Oh my God!

No! No! No!

You're f*cking animals!

Your turn now... b*tch!

Nav! Nav! Nav!

b*tch! b*tch! b*tch!

b*tch! b*tch!

Here, drink some water.

Thank you.

What's your name?

Kelly. My name is Kelly.

Okay, I'm Jamie.

And you're safe now.

No. They k*lled everyone.

Who k*lled everyone?

It was Goldilocks

and the three bears, and...

Goldilocks, as in...?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Look, you look like

you haven't slept in days.

You're obviously

not thinking clearly.

Why don't you have

a sip of water.

Can you call the police, please?

I will. Let me...

just call my husband.

As soon as he gets back, we'll

drive you somewhere safe. Okay?

It'll be fine. Don't worry.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

Here, put this on.

It's nice and warm.

As soon as Norman gets back,

we'll drive you somewhere safe.

It'll do you good

to have some rest.

Let me help you up.

It'll be all right.

Please,

just call the police.

I will.

Everything will be fine.

There you go.

There you go.

That's it, just have a rest.

Everything will be fine.

Can you please call the police?

I will, don't worry.

It'll be fine.

Oh, bloody hell!

Don't do that!

Why are you so jumpy?

There's a young girl here.

What do you mean? Who?

She's in the other room resting.

She's running from something.

What girl?

She said something

about Goldilocks

and the bears or something.

In the woods, she...

For f*ck's sake,

Goldilocks and the bears?

She's probably on drugs

or something.

You know what kids

are like these days.

She really was frightened.

She asked me to call the police.

The police?

I told her to have

a rest for a while.

Thought it best

to wait 'til you got back.

We'll let her sleep

the drugs off,

then we'll find out

what's wrong with her, okay?

You know, I don't mind

helping people,

but don't you think

this is a little bit odd?

- What was that?

- You hang on here.

Who's there?

Kids.

For Christ's sake,

just let my wife go.

Do what you want with me.

Hmm, I'm so sorry

you got involved in this.

Hmm?

Huh?

No!

No!

Please don't! Please!

- We can work it out!

- No!

You still don't get it, do you?

You still haven't learnt

the consequences

of your actions, young b*tch!

It's okay. It's okay.

You will understand soon.

It's such a shame that

your friends won't see you.

It's okay. It's okay.

But your best friend

will see it all.

Hmm?

What's this all about?

What's that girl done to you?

Wait, wait, wait.

Ah.

It's only fair to let

this lovely couple know.

I'm bored already.

Let's play a game!

No!

Why?

Aww!

f*cking animals!

Mm-hmm!

No!

Ah, now this is just right.

Now you see what happens

when you do not pay

the consequences

of your actions?

Others suffer.

You should never have let

her enter your house.

If you had not, your husband

would still be breathing,

and you would have

a lovely evening together.

You understand? Yes?

You will now suffer

the consequences

of your actions.