Hayride to Hell (2022)

[bunniefuu]

[Glass shattering]

[Eerie music]

[Laughter]

Yum yum.

I love it.

Better than roadkill

any day of the week.

Are there any witches on there?

We need a witch to burn.

Do you have any witches?

My sister's a witch.

No, she's a witch.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Come have some.

Me and my friend want

to share with you.

We made it on the farm.

It's corn whiskey.

Goes straight to your soul.

[Screaming]

[Shouting]

Happy hayride!

What?

That's not funny.

Oops. Missed.

Would any of you

like to be a target?

I'm just kidding.

It's not even loaded.

Not cool man.

You're missing one thing.

Eye of nute, and your leg!

I lost my head!

I lost my head!

Has anyone seen my head?

Don't be unreasonable, Sam.

We're only doing what's

in your best interest.

The bank has to treat

all the loans the same.

No matter how long your

family's been here.

Oh, you mean the

first the pioneers.

My great great grandfather,

Cornelius Cox, tilled the soil

with his bare hands when this

was nothing but wilderness.

Oh, come on, now,

you're being dramatic.

We're only asking you to sell

a little piece of land on the

backside of your farm.

You can pay off your bank

loan, and we can turn it into

something that the

whole community can use.

Oh, well, how would you like

it if I carved a few pounds off

your backside?

That lazy a*s sits

in a chair all day.

I mean, what if I cut out

your your liver, your kidneys?

I mean, you wouldn't

miss him, right?

It's just a pound of flesh.

This farm has been in my family

for generations, and I will not

sell a single acre to

you or anyone else.

The bank will be forced to call

in the loan if you can't make

any more payments.

Well guess what?

This year the hayride is going

pretty good, so by the end of

the season, we should have more

than enough money to pay off

the damn bank loan.

So we're just wasting our time.

We're not done here.

Well, I am.

I have people outside here who

appreciate what I'm doing for

this community.

Close the door on your way out.

Oh, no. I know what it says.

Um, well, I got it now.

What?

I don't need one now.

I'm good at this.

All right, all right.

Hey.

Hey, everybody. Howdy.

Wait a minute.

I got another one.

What do you call a priest

who becomes a lawyer?

A father-in-law.

Hey, I will cut out your

spleen with an ice cream scoop!

This is a little,

This is a little dangerous

up here.

What do you call

a single vampire?

- Sam.

- A bachelor.

Stupid fool.

Sam doesn't realize how

deep of a hole he's in.

Hole?

It's more like he

dug his own grave.

When he defaults on that loan,

we're going to get the whole

freaking farm.

He's his own worst enemy.

Well tell us, Sam, why can't

warlocks impale me?

Well, they have halloweeners

and crystal ba*ls.

[Laughter]

Hey, we got a million of them.

We'll pay you to

stop telling them.

No, no, no, no.

Spend your money to

support the farm.

Go over and buy some pumpkins.

Candy apples.

My cousin's apple pie.

And in fact, today we have

a special on pirate corn.

Pirate corn? How much is

it selling for?

It's a buccaneer.

Hey!

Thank you. I'm here

til Tuesday.

Don't forget to tip the help.

Thank you so much.

[Jingle bells]

Hello.

It's me.

Pumpkin Klaus.

Hello.

Alright! Pumpkin Klaus!

How do we have any

good boys and girls?

Why they're all good.

Well then let's hand these out.

Alright.

Here we go.

Yes. There's one for you.

Here you go.

Here's a little.

One for you.

Thank you so much.

One for you.

No wonder he's broke.

Jesus.

He's just giving them away.

Like I said, he's

his own worst enemy.

Oh, Sam, this is so great.

We look forward to

this every year.

Yeah, Sam, it's not

Halloween until the hayride.

Well, I appreciate

you being here.

And don't forget to get an

apple pie before they sell out.

All by two.

You hear that, Hazel?

Two apple pies for

this lovely lady.

Here you go.

Thank you.

You know, supporting local

business is how farmers

like me survive.

So thank you for that.

Of course.

I come to your vegetable

stand year round.

I think that farm fresh tastes

way better than supermarket.

All right, well.

I do appreciate that.

And here's your change.

You know.

Hazel, why don't you give these

fine folks whatever they want

to drink on the house?

Oh, Sam, you really

don't have to do that.

We can pay.

No, no, no, you guys have

bought those two apple pies.

That's great.

So anyway, I got to go.

Thanks again.

So what'll it be?

I'm sure going to miss this.

Miss what?

Sugartown scared

the whole thing.

I've been coming here

since I was a kid.

What? Nothing's going anywhere.

I heard a rumor that the

county's shutting it all down.

No more hayride, no more

Pumpkin Claus.

Bullshit!

Look, Farmer Sam

is my uncle, okay?

I'd certainly know if anything

like that was going to happen.

Sorry, I didn't

mean to upset you.

I mean, our family needs this

hayride to keep the farm afloat.

It's a little tough to be

paying bills when tomatoes are

only two bucks a pound.

That's a lot of

freaking tomatoes.

That's for damn sure.

And fertilizer is 685 a ton.

Oh, here, have some cider.

Oh. Thank you.

Are you having a

good time tonight?

- Yeah, of course.

- Absolutely.

Did you catch me and

Lester, by the way?

You bet.

Yeah, yeah.

Buccaneer.

Uh oh.

Here comes trouble.

Well, if it isn't Sheriff

Jubal and Deputy Dimwit.

So have you guys caught the

shithead kids who broke into my

barn, or are you just going

to let your son vandalize my

entire property before you

make him your new deputy?

Well, you're replacing me.

No. Good ol Sam here fancies

himself a comedian just because

his family was first

to settle in this area.

He thinks he owns a

whole g*dd*mn place.

But a little birdie told me

that pretty soon you might not

own sh*t. Bank problems.

You ever heard of

a sheriff sale?

I have, and boy, are they fun.

You know, now is

not the time, Jubal.

The commissioner has forced me

to hire you and your deputy for

traffic control at overtime

wages, I might add.

So why don't you two go control

some traffic and leave me and

the real public

servants at peace.

Oh, and have yourself

a nice hot cider.

Of course, you're going to

have to pay for it yourself.

Your cider tastes like a*s.

Well, you should know.

Traffic control.

Traffic control.

Hey, what's this I hear about

the county trying

to shut you down?

Nothing they haven't

tried before.

I heard there's a new developer

in the county scooping up land

everywhere so he can

build even more houses.

Over my dead body.

Yeah.

God, it's like

the perfect storm.

Could it get any worse?

Relax, Uncle Sam, I got this.

Here, take this.

Okay.

d*ck and Karen!

Welcome!

Hello farmer Sam. Seems like

you're having a great night.

Quite the rowdy crowd.

Oh, yes.

And well within county

guidelines, Karen.

And if you have any complaints,

like take them up with

the next committee meeting.

Don't think I won't

exercise my right.

I gotta take this.

Hello? What?

Timmy's stuck in the well.

I'll be right there.

I gotta go, got to go.

You're a real lifesaver, Patty.

I'm a paramedic, after all.

Is Karen still out there

foaming at the mouth?

Yeah, she's still

circling like a shark.

You got to go find a

Timmy to toss in a well.

That was a good one.

Gotcha.

There you are.

Those kids are in the

family cemetery again.

See?

Oh, sh*t.

Well, go tell the sheriff to do

some policing for a change and

meet us over at the family plot.

[Stone smashing]

- Oh, yeah.

- That's a wing.

Base hit.

- Alright Tyler.

- Ready?

Yeah, yeah. We're ready.

Bases loaded.

Clean up.

[Stone smashing]

[Shouting and laughing]

Home run.

- Drink up.

- Cheers.

- Rush.

- Rush!

Oh, sh*t!

Farmer, Baba!

Let's go.

Let's go.

This is family property,

you assholes!

sh*t I dropped a beer, man.

[g*nsh*t]

Oh!

You shot me!

Yeah, it was rock

salt, you dumb a*s!

Next time you come back here.

It's going to be some

deer slugs!

[Police siren]

Get him.

[g*nsh*t]

Jesus, Sam's gone crazy.

Yeah. No sh*t.

Just lay low while

I talk him down.

Now it's about g*dd*mn time.

[Shouting]

Well,

that's one way of talking

him down.

[Dogs barking]

f*ck!

Dumbass.

[Shouting]

[Laughter]

Look at that.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

[Dog yelps]

Yeah! What!

Ah!

Ah!

Turn it off!

It is off!

He's seizing on his own.

sh*t!

Get rid of the wire.

Is he dying?

Shut up and put the wires

in the car.

Ah ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah.

Patty, Chris, we got a medical

emergency out here.

Chris, what is it?

It's Sam. He collapsed.

You better come quick.

Keep your mouth shut.

Maybe I can save your a*s.

Jesus. What happened?

Like he had a seizure.

Is he diabetic or something?

No he isn't.

Hey, old Sam's firing his

shotgun in the woods like a

madman and suddenly just

dropped like he had a

stroke or something.

It's okay, it's okay.

[Siren wailing]

We got him stabilized with

a shot of Ativan, but his

heartbeat's irregular.

It's like he had a stroke or something.

Uh, he's firing the shotgun in

the woods like a crazed lunatic

and suddenly just dropped to

the ground and started shaking.

Right?

Yeah, He pointed the shotgun at me.

He fell down, shaking and.

Ah! Good girl.

Good girl.

Where's rebel girl?

Where'd your sister run off to?

I'll find her.

She's probably out chasing

rabbits again, man.

I know, man.

I could see the worry on your

face, but your uncle is a tough

old b*stard, man.

He'll be all right

before you know it.

Hey, Patty, we've got an ODS.

You want to take

it or stay here?

Uh, no, you go ahead.

We need the money.

I'll have budge drive

me to the hospital.

Copy that, later Budge.

Doesn't he need your help?

No, it's an ODS.

He can do it solo.

Oh, organ delivery service.

Sometimes we run organs

from hospital to hospital.

It's good.

Money saves lives, too, right?

Oh, yeah.

That too.

Sorry. Sometimes I get

a little numb to it all.

Well, all I wanted to say, man,

is that I'm so glad that you

are there for Sam.

Because I don't think the

sheriff would have known what

to do otherwise.

I don't even want

to think about it.

Yeah.

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

Hello, Sam.

Look's like you had a

rough night.

What am I doing here?

You had a seizure and the

paramedics gave you a shot of.

Hey.

No relax.

Stop that.

Please, please.

You were going to hurt yourself.

- I gotta get back to the farm.

- I need some help in here.

I gotta get back to the farm.

Please sit down and relax.

No you're

going to be better.

I gotta get back to the farm.

Okay. Please relax sir.

Hey, Sam.

Wow. You gave us all quite

a scare last night.

You know, passing out and all.

Passing out?

You son of a b*tch.

I ought to piss on your foot.

Hey, watch your mouth!

You don't calm down.

Me and my deputy are going

to chain you to your bed.

Now, you don't

want that, do you?

Jesus, Sam, what are

you doing out of bed?

These assholes are

trying to finish me off.

Oh, nurse, will you please

sedate this idiot before I

throw him in the drink?

I need you to calm

down, Uncle Sam.

Okay? You're still

under medication.

It's okay, Sam.

I got your back.

No one is going to

finish anything.

Shut up, Jamaica boy.

He's not from Jamaica, dimwit.

Okay, that's.

Enough. Now get to your bed or

I'm gonna sedate you myself.

Well, they started it.

- Now let's go!

- Ow!

All right, calm down.

It's okay, it's okay.

What are you doing here, anyway?

This is a local matter.

Why don't you go

back to Jamaica?

Jamaica? I'm not

from Jamaica, man.

I'm from Belize.

Where the f*ck is that?

It's on the Yucatan Peninsula

of Central America, bro.

Well, I don't give a sh*t.

Belize. You know what I Belize.

I believe this is America.

You can take your skinny black

a*s and go back to Jamaica.

When I'm Garifuna, we

don't back down, yo.

All right.

Okay, I understand

you're both tough guys.

This ain't the place for it.

You're right.

This ain't the place.

So you best give Sam his peace

and quiet, if you

know what I mean.

Yeah.

Quiet. I like that

everybody stays quiet.

Nobody has any problems.

Yeah. No problems here.

No problems here.

Wait.

We don't have a problem.

No, we don't have problems.

Garifuna here doesn't need to

be reminded that his boss fired

a shotgun at a

bunch of teenagers.

Now,

if things get loud, I'm going

to have to file those charges,

aren't I?

Like I said, man,

peace and quiet.

Okay.

Whatever.

That's all right.

That's good.

That's good.

Yeah. My family came here

when this was nothing.

We built all this town

grew up around us.

Sam.

Look.

Oh, Jesus.

[Orchestra music]

[Music continues]

You like that?

There's the whole case of them.

Plus trash, two tampons

and a lawn chair.

A g*dd*mn lawn chair.

You and your hayride.

Those jackasses think that your

Halloween fiasco is an open

invitation to party in the

cornfields and throw the crap

all over the place.

Come on, Wilbur.

That combine of yours weighs

about three four tons.

And I don't think a little junk

is going to break that monster.

That's not the point.

The fact is, I have to stop

and get out of the cab.

And you know how much I

hate to get out of the cab.

Oh, God.

You're right, you're right.

Look. I'm sorry, okay?

I will tell my guys to make sure

they keep the guests out of

the fields, all right?

Or, or.

You could just shut down

the hayride altogether.

It's a goddamned nuisance.

Yeah. Great.

More g*dd*mn fart catchers.

Ah, Betsy.

I am touched.

I assume you came all the way

out here to check up on me.

Seeing as I almost

died last night.

You didn't nearly die.

You just had a mild

seizure, from what I'm told.

And don't think I don't know

about you threatening

those boys.

Oh, you mean the vandals who

defaced my family plot and the

little sh*t who k*lled my dog?

Your dog?

Well, I don't know anything

about that, Missy, Gina.

It has been deemed by the

county that the public

attraction called Sugartown

scare is a nuisance and threat

to public safety by writ

of the Sheriff's office.

Wait a minute. Wait.

Public safety?

I'm the one who was in

the hospital last night.

And a nuisance?

A nuisance to whom?

To these leeches who live

off false insurance claims.

I could sue you for libel.

It's not libel if it's true.

Belize law school.

I have a right as a citizen

of this county to a safe and

peaceful home.

And the element that hayride

brings to the area

makes me uncomfortable.

Well, you're entitled.

Bullshit.

Makes me uncomfortable.

And this is my land.

I can do with it what I want.

Actually, you're still within

the boundaries of Willis

County, so this farm and

everything that happens on it

is under our jurisdiction.

You're shut down.

I believe that the state law

allows for a 30-day remedy

regarding any

private business.

Law school again?

Judge Judy.

Well, there you have it.

30 days in 30 days,

Halloween will be over.

And so who cares?

Well, then we'll just close the

road, and then no one can get

to your farm.

This farm is 275 acres adjacent

to four roads, one of which is

a major artery into town.

Are you going to

shut that down, too?

Don't tempt me.

All right, all right.

Okay, here's what I say.

You give me three days to

make the greatest, most non

nuisance, haunted attraction

in the history of mankind.

And if you are not 100%

satisfied with it, I will sell

not only the parcel you want.

I will sell the

whole g*dd*mn farm.

And I will leave this

miserable county forever.

However, if you agree that this

is the scariest ride you've

ever been on, then no more

complaints, citations, county

writs, or other bullshit.

So let me get this straight.

You're willing to gamble the

future of your entire family

farm on whether or

not you can scare me.

You and your fellow

commissioners.

And I'd like to invite d*ck and

Karen because their opinions

matter too.

You have a deal.

See you in three days.

That's it.

That's it.

Now get the f*ck off my land.

I don't want that.

Three days.

See you later.

Are you sure about this, my brother?

Yeah.

Time to get to work.

[Dramatic music]

[Music continues]

[Evil laugh]

Thank you, Cousin Needles.

[Music continues]

[Screaming]

[Music continues]

So this is where the 450

units are going to go.

Approximately.

Ladies.

See you soon.

Cute, Sam.

Hey, Nick's been looking

all over for you.

Hey, Patty.

What's up?

What are you doing in here?

Uh, yeah, I'm just

cleaning my g*n.

They won't let me do

it inside anymore.

Ever since that.

Uh, so what's up?

Well, I've got two invitations.

One for you and one

for the sheriff.

I'm really looking forward

to seeing you there tonight.

Yeah, I wouldn't

miss it for anything.

Great. See ya.

Hey, Patty.

Uh, you know, I was thinking

maybe after the hayride, if

you're not doing anything, uh,

maybe we could go bobbing for

pumpkins or carve an apple

or something like that.

Mmm.

After the hayride?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

Uh, maybe we make

it a candy apple.

Let's just see if you can

deliver that invitation to your

boss first, huh?

I'll give it to Jubal right now.

Great. Don't be late.

I'll see you tonight.

Hey Uncle Sheriff,

I hold in my hand.

Turn a crash into cash.

d*ck got me big money from

my car accident.

Money, money, money.

d*ck got me a giant settlement

for my slip and fall.

Screw you, insurance companies.

Hi, I'm Richard Singleton,

but my friends call me d*ck.

If you slip and fall, give

me a call and ask for d*ck.

If you don't have Richard

Singleton on your side,

you ain't got d*ck.

d*ck Singleton, super lawyer.

Isn't that great?

Tell me that's not great.

Tell me that's not the best

thing you've ever seen.

It's great, d*ck.

Yeah, it is great.

You're gonna get a lot of

calls for that one, I'm sure.

Well go answer the

f*cking door.

Anytime today would be nice.

This is private property.

You can't be here.

No worries, Mrs. Singleton.

Just delivering an invitation

for you both to the new hayride.

You're on the judging

committee, aren't you?

I don't all of

that was for real.

Yeah, it sure is.

The supervisors will want to

take your opinion into account.

I mean, you have

an opinion, right?

I sure do.

She sure does.

Great. See you at the hayride.

Morning, darling.

Yeah. Carnauba wax

looks real nice.

Let's get you a

little shine here.

There you go.

Oh, baby.

What is it?

And, honey, I miss you.

And I'm being good.

I long to be with you.

If only I could.

Not until we saved

the farm, sweetheart.

That's right.

Yeah. Jubal.

Yeah, I know he's an idiot.

I can always fool him.

I mean, after all, I'm a

farmer and he's just a cop.

Ah, yeah, but.

Oh, God.

The commissioners.

But they're storm

clouds are coming.

Oh, I got some

plans, sweetheart.

Oh, I got some plans.

I know, I know,

it's not Christian.

I know, but it is, right?

All right, sweetie,

what do you think?

Do you approve?

I knew you would.

See you later.

Well, if Sam wants to impress

us, he's off to a bad start.

You weren't seriously

going to honor the bet.

Sure we are.

We honorably vote that this new

ride is unsafe and

not entertaining.

Oh, that reminds me.

Can you please

feed Fiona tonight?

She needs half a can.

Yes, you can give

her some cat treats.

Um.

Everything all

right there, boss?

Yeah.

Everything's just

f*cking peachy.

What do you say we take a look

and see what kind of a dog and

pony show Sam has for us?

Shall we?

I think it's gonna

be pretty cool.

I mean, they really

went all out.

Just give him a chance.

Dumb a*s.

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Distinguished guests.

Neighbors, Keystone

cops, welcome to the new

and improved hayride to hell.

[Laughter]

It was a harvest moon on the

haunted hayride.

Some will have lived and

some will have died.

The real mystery is,

who will it be?

A crooked cop or

commissioners three.

A greedy witch, a d*ck

or the annoying b*tch?

who knows who ends up

buried in the ditch?

I warn you now, writer, beware.

This haunt will have

plenty of scare.

So as I fight to survive with

this elaborate cell, I dare you

to take the hayride to hell.

[Laughter]

Welcome!

[Laughter]

This is gonna be good.

My dad says he and his deputy

have been invited to judge

the safety standards to

Farmer Sam's hayride.

I thought you said the farmer

and the sheriff hate each other.

They do.

All right.

Hello, ladies.

I'm so glad you could

make it out tonight.

Thank you for the invitation.

You realize that this doesn't

mean that we will support

keeping this going.

Oh, no, I totally understand.

All I'm asking is you

keep an open mind.

Fair enough.

Because I have a feeling that

by the end of tonight, you'll

understand just how important

this is to our family.

Well, we will try and

keep an open mind.

Well, I appreciate that.

And speaking of keeping an open

mind, how about you simpletons?

That's Singleton.

Our last name is

Singleton, not Simpleton.

Oh, that's what I meant.

And I didn't like

your poem one bit.

Well, I am sorry

about the language.

I was trying to find a word

that rhymes with witch, and

Karen wouldn't work.

Okay, well, don't use

me in any future poems.

I guarantee that after

tonight's new hayride, I will

never speak your name again.

You promise?

I really felt uncomfortable

having my name

mentioned like that.

Well, your comfort

is my main concern.

And how about you, Jubal?

Were you offended when I

called you a crooked cop?

Coming from you, I

consider it a compliment.

Ah, see, that's what

I'm talking about.

He's got an open mind.

This is a night of celebration

for friends, family and

distinguished guests.

Well, I mean, I

guess that's true.

I am something of a local

celebrity, what with my

commercial and all.

Y'all see my commercial?

If you don't have Richard

Singleton, you ain't got d*ck.

Well, come on, no one.

It's on the home

improvement channel.

Prime time.

I told you, not everybody

watches those shows.

House flipper shows,

billion dollar listings,

home makeover, house porn.

Everybody watches house porn.

They just don't admit it.

I've seen the commercial.

See? What did I tell you?

Well, you know, speaking of

commercial, that reminds me.

I must insist that there are no

pictures or videos, so please

hand me your phones.

I don't think so.

Nobody gives up their phone

if he does anything shady or

ill*gal, I want proof.

Are you speaking from personal

experience there, Jubal?

It's not negotiable.

No phones, no hayride.

All right, all right, all.

Right, all right.

Keep your phones.

But, please, I ask you

no photos or videos.

Oh, we.

Understand how important this

hayride is to you, so we'll

respect your wishes.

Right?

But remember the

terms of our deal.

If we find anything unsafe or

ill*gal, we are shutting you

down forever.

There is no way in hell

I would let that happen.

But I am a man of my word.

A deal is a deal.

So without further ado, Hazel,

can you please

pour the hot cider?

Well, time to mark

my territory.

Mhm. Mhm.

f*ck.

I piss on your grave.

Isn't that a song?

It's piss on your grave.

No, I.

Yeah, dude, I think it's

implied, but, I

mean, I don't know.

It's just definitely implied.

I implied piss on your grave.

I piss!

Oh, piss.

What? What?

What? What?

No, no.

What? What?

Hey! Stop!

Stop, stop!

Hey!

[Shouting]

[Shouting continues]

Hey,

Now that's what

I'm talking about.

For you, Karen.

Dimler.

Dimwit. Whatever.

Okay.

[Fireworks exploding]

Oh. That's my cue.

Let the festivities begin.

Ah! Look at you all.

Let's toast to the hayride

to hell.

May it steel the

hearts of my critics.

Oh, and keep your cups.

Hazel has refills and

treats for the ride.

Yep. Just ask and I'll heat

you up with my witch's brew.

Here we go.

Oh, good God.

Oh!

Oh! Hello.

It's almost three carats.

No.

I gotta get me one of these.

To hell you ride.

[Eerie music]

[Heavy breathing]

[Evil laugh]

Oh man.

This is the same as last year.

You've actually paid money

to go on this hayride before?

Yeah, sure.

It's a family tradition.

I hope the commissioners

give it a good review.

I hate for this to all go away.

You really don't have much

going on upstairs, do you?

What?

It's a haunted hayride, man.

This is This is nothing

not to like about this.

Ah. Take a balloon,

have a balloon

Red balloon.

Hazel.

Oh, um.

On your right is the infamous

skeleton house, built by Jane

Cox in the 1890s and burned

to the ground in the 1900s.

This haunted hut from hell was

a heinous hub for

atrocious activity.

Aces up his sleeve.

Cute.

Now listen up, you two.

No matter what tricks Farmer

Sam has up his sleeve, we are

not going to give

him a good review.

But what if he really did make

great changes and improvements?

No. I'm sick and tired of

fighting with that b*stard over

zoning and noise and traffic

patterns and water violations

and taxes.

And I get it, I get it.

You hate him.

It's more than that, missy.

Whose side are you on?

I thought I was representing

the best interests of all the

residents of Willis County.

Nope. We represent the future.

Out with the old.

In with the new.

And I ask you, can anybody

really win if

everybody's cheating?

I've lost my head.

Has anybody seen it?

I've lost my head.

I have to find it.

Has anybody seen my head?

You're supposed to

say something back.

I'm not saying anything.

You say something.

He spoke to you.

Has anybody seen it?

sh*t. Okay, well, that was lame.

This is all lame.

I don't know why I let you talk

me into this stupid hayride in

the first place.

Oh, no.

That girl talked you into it.

I'm just along for the ride.

We were supposed to be judges

in some sort of contest.

If I had known, we

would be sitting in this.

[Shouting]

That is not funny d*ck.

- It's pretty funny to me.

- as*h*le.

Oh, come on, Karen,

it's all fake.

They take the blades

off the chainsaw.

We're perfectly safe.

You're just afraid.

[Screaming]

Jesus Christ!

Whoa, whoa.

That's not funny, d*ck.

Jesus.

I know, I know, I'm sorry,

baby, but you got to admit that

- they got you.

- Got me?

Got me? What the f*ck d*ck?

I do not have to put

up with this kind of.

[Balloon pops]

A f*cking clown?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

I want to talk to

the f*cking manager.

That would be me.

Oh wait, oh wait.

This one's a this

one's a good one.

This one's a good one.

I promise.

Okay, here we go.

We all know the tale

of William Tell.

He disobeyed his king, who

then reigned down hell.

The king proposed a

test of his great aim.

sh**t an apple as

part of a game.

Oh, boy, it was swell.

But perhaps today's test will

be the boy's death knell.

Death knell?

Death? Sam, death knell?

Yeah. Jesus.

What did you get this from

the Maritime Thesaurus?

I have wagered

against my critics the

life of my own son.

That this crossbow will

hit it's mark.

Hey! Help!

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Help!

Alright folks, your turn now.

Who among you is a marksman?

Huh? Jubal, what about you?

That seems to be

right up your alley.

Damn right it is.

Well, dummies fake, but the

crossbow is real

and sited perfectly.

How good is your aim?

It's g*dd*mn perfect.

Well.

All right, well at the mark

of zero split the apple.

- Hey. Anyone help!

- You win a prize.

You ready?

Hey! Hey!

It's me, Chucky. Stop!

Three. Two.

Hey stop!

One. Zero!

Dad!

We have a winner!

The site was off.

Well.

That's all right.

You're a winner anyway.

Hazel, give the

man a candy apple.

Unless you've pocketed

the rest of them.

And now for a public

service announcement.

Please don't drink and drive,

but if you do, be sure to sign

up as an organ donor.

Don't take your organs to hell.

Heaven knows we need them here.

Thank you.

Good evening, ladies

and gentlemen.

I hope you've all been taking

good care of your vital organs.

Patty pop quiz.

Are you ready?

Kidneys.

See New York state

College and Boston.

Heart?

- Philadelphia.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hershey.

- Yep.

- Allentown.

- Check. Lungs.

Harrisburg.

Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.

Check and liver.

Baltimore. Washington, DC.

Ah.

And Scranton.

Yes! Perfection!

This looks really realistic.

Yeah. One time there was this

accident on route 202, and this

guy was cut in half

with a steering wheel.

These effects just like it.

Really realistic.

Hey. Hey, Patty.

Hey, Nick.

She digs me.

We're gonna carve

a pumpkin, later.

This is really starting

to creep me out.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, Jesus.

It's supposed to be creepy.

I think it's just gross.

Chopping up

a body like that.

This is disgusting.

Well, then there's your

reason for shutting this down.

You have my vote.

That's more like it.

Ruby, where are you, girl?

There you are, good girl.

Hey, d*ck.

d*ck.

That name.

That's me.

d*ck. d*ck, Dickity,

d*ck, d*ck, d*ck.

Actually, it's Richard, but

I never really liked that name.

So you think d*ck is better?

Hey, at least my

last name isn't face.

d*ck face.

That's a good one.

You always do make me laugh.

Ah. Get a room.

I think it's sweet.

I wish I had a soul mate or

a lover or even a f*ck buddy.

Somebody say my name.

Uh. Shut up dimwit!

Why does everybody keep

calling me that?

It's Dermot.

My name is Dermot Nixler.

You have got to be the

stupidest m*therf*cker on the

face of the earth.

What about outer space?

Good point.

I stand corrected, you are the

stupidest m*therf*cker

in the universe.

Oh, look.

Fireflies.

Oh! The intestines.

Damnit, Ruby! No!

- Seriously?

- Sorry.

We we pound pond.

We now transport

you to a faraway

land of tropical terror.

Where the locals know to.

Fear the keeper of the pond.

Here our safety is

solely secured.

Through satisfying his sadistic.

Predilections. The unsuitably

sick son of a virgin

sacrifice to protect.

Virgin. Where are you gonna

find a virgin?

How are we gonna find a virgin?

I don't know a virgin.

I don't know any

virgin's. Vergina.

[Laughter]

Oh.

Look, there's something

in the water over there.

What is that?

What are you doing here?

Holy crap!

I said get off my pond!

I said get off,

my pond!

[Screaming]

You'd better run for it, dude.

Help!

You're so screwed now.

Oh my God!

Help!

Help! Help!

[Screaming]

That was awesome.

Yeah. No, that's what

I'm talking about.

Wow. Damn, Sam. I am impressed.

Pleasure's all mine.

I, I have eight fingers.

Time to k*ll.

[Howling]

I need a volunteer.

Hey, Hazel.

Over here.

Come over here.

I need your help.

Hazel, come.

Come help us out.

Come on, everybody, give.

Her some encouragement.

Ready, Hazel.

[Together]

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Hazel.

Hazel. Yeah.

Good girl.

Just kick it with your foot.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

Good job, Hazel.

Thank you.

That's my Hazel.

[Howling]

Witch! Witch!

Witch.

Is there a which

amongst you travelers?

My wife is a witch

once a month.

as*h*le.

I know it's hard to hear, baby,

but someone's got to tell you

the truth.

I say again, my fellow pilgrims.

Is there a witch in this wagon?

And now for our featured

performer, witch Hazel.

Um.

Here I am.

Yes. Perfect.

Come with me, you

rapacious witch.

A witch.

A witch!

My kingdom for a witch.

Oh my God! f*ck. Okay.

Easy on the goods.

Fix your eyes upon her.

But be not beguiled

by her beauty.

For beneath this exquisite

feminine form is a wretched,

decrepit witch.

And tonight we purge the

scenes of this greedy wh*re.

- What?

- Just play along.

Oh, yeah.

Um. I'm a naughty witch,

and I need to be punished.

You're doing great.

Okay. Yeah.

Um. I'm greedy and

I'm evil and I'm

exquisite, and, uh.

And I don't use dental floss.

Tie her to the stake.

Jesus. It's a little tight.

Got to sell it, baby.

It's not funny.

It's not f*cking funny.

[Loud music]

You guys, please.

Ah!

Oh my God, what is that?

Gasoline, you greedy b*tch!

What? What no!

Jubel! Jubel no!

What'd she say?

Beats me, the music's too loud.

This is what you

really want, isn't it?

You've been stealing

from this farm for years.

What's another $100, right?

No, please.

Okay. Um.

Hey, I'll give it to you.

I'll give it all back.

I'll give it all back.

Just how much did you steal?

A lot.

Oh, so a lot.

And if you help me, I'll make

it so worth your while.

Please.

Nah, the show must go on.

No!

[Screaming]

It looks so real.

How did he do that?

I gotta hand it to you, Sam.

You went all out this time?

Yeah, like I told you,

we will do whatever.

It takes to keep our farm.

[Eerie music]

[Evil laugh]

[Evil laugh]

Hello there, travelers!

Do you have any

body parts to spare?

I'm perfecting my masterpiece.

Well, if you don't need a

brain, deputy dimwit, your man.

Oh, yes.

A fantastic specimen.

Look at those muscles.

Why, you look like a Christmas

sausage bursting at the seams.

Deputy Dexler, I do believe

you're making me blush.

You're making me blush.

You know my name?

That's impressive.

That's because you're special.

Oh.

He's special, all right.

Uh, deputy, would you be a

peach and come on down and help

me with my electric chair?

Count me in.

Can I flip the switch?

Absolutely.

My hunk of burning flesh.

Hey, you guys should call me,

uh, Doctor Jekyll

and Deputy Hyde.

h* h* h* h* h*!

Do we have any good boys and

girls with us this evening?

Hell no evil, pumpkin Claus.

All we have are naughty

little children.

You mean those

monsters over there?

[Laughter]

No, I mean those.

Sons of b*tches that are trying

to steal my farm!

Ah!

Come on, get the cuffs.

Hey!

How do you like

that chicken p*ssy?

Doesn't feel too good, does it?

The f*ck is going on?

h* h* h* h* h*!

h* h* h* h*!

God damn it, Sam, get me out of

this or I will throw

your a*s in jail!

Seems to me like you're

the one in chains.

Strap him in.

What are you doing guys?

What are you doing?

Oh! Hey, guys hold on.

Come on. Alright guys.

It's not funny anymore.

What are they doing to him?

I don't know.

Are they going to

electrocute him?

I don't know.

Oh my God.

Are they going to

electrocute us?

I don't know, I don't

f*cking know.

I'm not a g*dd*mn encyclopedia.

You're welcome.

Ha! God damn it, Sam, I

swear I'm gonna k*ll you!

Ha ha ha!

You've been trying

that for years.

What makes you think

you'll be lucky this time?

Cause this time you're really

pissing me off!

Oh, sticks and stones, Jubal.

Oh, by the way, do you remember

back in high school when you

were certain that your

girlfriend was

f*cking another guy?

f*ck you.

Wait a minute.

You already knew that.

Oh, sh*t.

I was planning this big

reveal and everything.

I am so gonna f*cking k*ll you!

Well, you can try again.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Guys. Uncle, please help me.

It's okay Nix. It's okay.

Come on Sam! God damn it!

He's just a kid,

for Christ's sakes.

No!

[screaming]

sh*t's getting real now.

Mhm.

Mhm.

We gotta get out of here.

He is not gonna get us.

Okay?

Listen up.

On the next turn,

we're gonna go

off the wagon.

On my go. Ready?

Ah!

Ah!

No. Truckee, no!

No! Truckee, no!

And you k*lled him

with your crossbow.

I'll f*cking k*ll you!

You already said that.

Go go go go go go go!

[g*nshots]

Hey! They're getting away!

Whoa whoa whoa.

It's okay.

It's cool, it's cool.

All right, all right, all right.

[Heavy breathing]

Oh, sh*t.

No service.

What the f*ck?

Come on.

[Orchestra music]

[Music continues]

[Screaming]

[Scream]

[Jingle bells]

[Screaming]

No, no, no, no, no.

No no no no no no no.

No. Stop don't, I dont.

No no no no no.

[Engine starting]

No no no no no no no no.

[Screaming]

Drill baby.

Drill. Yeah.

Enough of this bullshit!

I am done, Sam!

Not having fun anymore?

You sure seem to

have a lot of fun

when you were trying

to tase me to death.

That was an accident!

Oh, bullshit!

You've been conspiring with

these assholes for years trying

to steal my farm.

Take away everything

we hold dear.

You k*lled my son!

No, you k*lled your son!

You tricked me,

you son of a b*tch!

Well, you're stupid!

[Screaming]

[g*nsh*t]

Get help!

[Screaming]

No, got a g*n!

[Laughter]

It's gonna be a hot one

in the old town tonight.

Nice try, as*h*le.

Hey, Jubal.

Fire in the hole!

[Screaming]

[Laughter]

[Crying]

[Screaming]

Help me!

Help!

[Crying continues]

Help me!

Please help me!

Please, I beg you!

Damnit! Help me!

What the hell are

you doing out here?

Hold on.

This doesn't have anything

to do with that hayride

nonsense, does it?

Yes it's Sam!

He's gone crazy!

g*dd*mn hayride!

I've been telling him

to shut this down since

Moby d*ck was a guppy!

But does he listen to me?

No, no, no!

He's evil.

You stay put, darling.

I'll fix this.

[Engine revving]

g*dd*mn trespassers

ruining all my corn!

[Screaming]

I don't deserve this.

[Laughter]

Nobody stops the harvest!

[Wincing]

[Crying]

Help!

Help me!

Please! Help!

Help!

[Screaming]

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

Hey, sorry about Jubal.

He burned us, so I burned him.

No worry.

We've got enough organs to pay

off the bank loan, fix the roof

on the barn, and a little

more for a rainy day.

Best harvest ever.

Real nice.

All right.

I have four hearts,

three kidneys.

All right.

I think we're ready to go.

Yeah.

Organic farming.

Woo!

Hey! Hey, wait!

Not that one!

h* h* h* h* h* h* h*!

Uh oh!

No no no!

Let her down.

Nah, this one's a keeper.

Ooh! Yeah!

Oh, yeah, baby!

Okay, cover it up.

[Metal crunching]

Smells like victory.

[Laughter]

[Eerie music]