01x02 - I Don't Do Well in Parent-Teacher Conferences

[bunniefuu]

Come on, let's get it together!

Come on!

Mcguirk:
diane, let's go!

Here you go!

Mcguirk:
diane, don't fall, get up!

Brendon:
that's not diane.

Mcguirk:
get up, diane!

That's not diane.

What's her name?

Brendon:
that's cindy.

Sorry.

Cindy, get up!

We have a diane on our team,
right, brendon?

Uh... I don't know, I think so.

Well, diane and cindy,
come on in!

Mcguirk:
that's the only way to find out.

I know.

I see cindy coming—...

I guess we don't have a diane.

And to sum up, in conclusion,
um, some insects or bugs

Are very helpful to mankind
and others are not.

Thank you.

Oh, very nice, melissa.

Thank you.

Lynch:
very nice.

As usual, very good job.

Okay, let's see who's next here.

Uh... Brendon.

Um, uh... I was uh... I was
going to talk to you about this.

Lynch:
why don't you
come right up here?

We're all friends here.

Now, what's your topic of your
presentation?

I'm gonna, uh...

Okay, well, come on up, brendon.

Here's brendon.

Thank you, um... First of all,
how are you?

Good.

Thank... Thank you.

I, uh...

I wanted to talk a little bit
about, uh... My shoes.

I could use some new shoes.

Hmm.

I don't know... My birthday's
coming up, and, uh...

Hmm.

Yeah, uh...

I, uh... Hi.

And, um...

Agonizing:

Uh...

Okay, is that...
That's it?

I... I've got more
if you want, about...

Oh, um... I have a feeling
it's more of that.

It pretty much, uh...

Oh, brendon.

Uh... I know.

Lynch:
brendon...

I know, I was trying
to tell you.

I didn't have...

Lynch:
you know...

I want to see you
after school today.

All:
ooh!
Lynch:
we'll be talking about this.

I don't think we should rush
into anything.

Lynch:
we're going to have

To bring your mother in
on this, I'm sorry.

No, i...
I can talk to her myself.

I... You don't...
You don't...

I swear to god I'll talk to her.

You don't have to call her
or anything.

Brendon?

Yes.

You're a smart kid
and you know how to...

Your movies——you make your
little movies, right?

Yes.

That takes a little bit
of thought, right?

Yes!

Take that energy and put it into
a project that's important...

Oh... Oh...

To school.

Alright.

Do you understand what is going
on here?

Do you understand that you are
not doing well in any subject?

And, uh... If you continue on
this path

You will be in fourth grade
for the next four years.

What, you mean I'm going...
Uh... You're gonna hold me back?

Yes.

That's... Uh...

You have to do better.

What if, what if I got a second
chance to do the report?

I don't know.

What would happen
if you had a second chance...

And my mom's got to do this
conference thing, and...

He's going to
tell your mom?

Well, I told him
not to mention it.

Brendon, this is serious.

I know!

I don't think you're
taking it seriously.

I don't need this.

I just had lynch screaming at me
for the last hour.

Well, maybe stop thinking about
yourself for a minute.

How do you think it's going
to be for me if you have

To stay in fourth grade?

And you're in fifth?

Well, yeah,
I'm going to be in fifth;

I'm not getting left back.

You could get helded
back with me.

Well, I'm not that good
at not doing my work

The way that you are.

I didn't think about that.

Well, what do you
have to do?

There has to be
something you can do.

Uh... I asked him.

He said I could
do the report again.

Then that's it.

You just have to do the
speech over and you then

You won't be held back.

You know, you're really
helping... A lot.

I just told you that.

Nice attitude!

Hey, I'm a little...

Hey, I'm... I'm...

Brendon, you want to know what I
did to get ready for my speech?

What?

I went to the library.

Oh, I'm not going
to the library.

I used encyclopedias.

I'm not going to the library.

I xeroxed pictures
in the books.

Right, right, right—...

What's your point?

My point is,
take my speech.

He's already heard it.

You just change some stuff
around a little bit.

He's already heard it!

I'll try it,
just give it to me.

Okay.

I'll fix something,
I dunno.

Hello, is anybody...
Are you home?

Yeah, I'm home.

Okay, I just decided to come
home and, uh... Hang out,

You know and see
if there's any...

Brendon, mr. Lynch called.

Oh, jesus!

Yeah, well,
he did call, and...

I found out
that you were supposed

To have done a presentation for
class that apparently turned out

To be about your shoes.

Mom, I was looking down
that's all that I saw.

It was like an impromptu...

Brendon, you're gonna get held
back if you're not able

To complete this assignment.

Mom...
Paula:
yeah..

What I haven't explained to you
is that I am so far behind.

I have not done homework
for the last year.

Brendon, that is not acceptable.

I don't know why you think you
can just tell me that

And I'm supposed to be
all jolly about it?

Paula:
that is not acceptable.

Mom, you think I don't feel bad
about this?

I'm on your side.

Paula:
sweetie, I want you to work up
to your potential.

And your potential is very,
very, very high.

Oh, don't do that, mom.

Honey?

Yeah?

You're a lucky boy
you have my genes.

I know.

Paula:
all right.

You know, they're making you
come in for a meeting.

I can't go in
for a meeting—-

You know what happens.

Mom, I know this is a lot
of pressure for you

And I know you don't do well
in meetings.

Paula: I don't do well
in meetings.

Brendon:
you're the only chance I've got.

Paula:
brendon...

Brendon:
mom, no...

The chance you've got...

Mom, just listen.
Just don't answer for a second.

You go to the thing.

You schmooze them,
you do whatever—...

Turn on the charm,
I don't know what.

Brendon!
Yes?

I cannot go to
a parent—teacher conference.

No, no, no,
yes, you can!

Paula:
brendon, I can't do this.

Brendon: what a minute,
that's not the right attitude.

Mom, you can, you can...
You are so...

You are so smart and you don't
even know it!

Honey...
Brendon:
no, no!

You are so good
at what you do, and...

We'll lay out your clothes
tomorrow...

Brendon:
I'll make you some breakfast.

Brendon, I can't go to a paren—-
teacher conference.

They... They stare at me funny
the whole time.

Paula: you're going to end up
in the first grade

By the time I'm finished
talking to them.

I'm not listening!

All right, I got it.

Okay, here's what's
going to happen.

I'm gonna...

I'm playing a character that
does not do well with work

And I have to do these
annual reports

But I haven't done
anything, okay?

And, uh...

And I hate giving speeches.

And jason, this is where
you come in, okay?

I play a monster.

Yeah, you come in and we kind of
switch places 'cause

I turn into you and then you go,
"i, uh... It's not my fault."

Let's do...

Let's do the monster first, and
then all the other parts after.

Yeah, we're gonna have to sh**t
in sequence

'Cause I don't have
any editing—...

No, 'cause people sh**t out of
sequence sometimes.

Jason, how do you know that?

Because I read
"scorsese on film."

Oh! Oh.

We should sh**t day—for—night,

Like truffaut.

Yes, good,
I'm gonna think about that.

And... Action!

Ladies and gentleman,

Good people of the company we
brought you here today

So that brendon small can give
the annual report.

Ladies and gentlemen,
brendon small.

Please give him your attention.

Uh... As far as the annual
report goes

I don't have it on me, and,
uh... Oh...

In the meantime, I would...
Oh... Boy!

I think I might be turning
into a monster!

Oh, my... Aaaaaah!

I'm a monster.

Help!

Hey, he's using telekinesis!

That's right, I'm using
telekinesis!

I'll burn you all up
and make you crispy!

My flesh is getting hot!

Well, he was better last year,
yeah.

Friend:
uh—huh.

People at the school don't know
what to make of me.

They just sort of stare at me
with their mouths hanging open.

Well, one of the things that
happens is that

When I'm in a situation where
it's inappropriate

For me to curse—...

I can't help it, and therefore
these parent teacher conferences

Go really, really bad.

You know, I say everything I
think.

That's obsessive—compulsive
disorder is

You say everything you think.

In fact I even say some things
that you think

That I hadn't thought of.

Of course at the last one,
I brought drinks

And maybe that was a mistake,
and I know that now.

I had that little to—go
jigger cup thing.

Well, it seems that the monster
has taken over new york

And it's my duty as captain of
the... Army to k*ll the monster.

Excuse me.

Jason/monster:
monster coming through.

Coming through—— how you doing?

Aim for his heart!

Brendon:
k*ll him! Fire!

Aaah!

Direct hit.

Maybe you should look
at yourselves

Before you take it out on me!

I'm just one monster...

And when I'm gone...

You'll remember me!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

And then you'll have
to look at yourselves

And own up to what you've done!

Jason/monster:
for isn't every man a monster?

I guess he's right.

I guess we're all...

You're damn right I'm right!

I... I know.

So stop sh**ting!

Okay, hey, guys...

Don't you realize
that if you stop now

I might be able to get surgery?

Uh... Yeah, no, no...

I'm gonna tell 'em, hold on.

Tell the guy who's sh**ting
to stop sh**ting!

Who's sh**ting?

Oh, for god's sake,
tell 'em to stop!

I'm trying.

I mean, hello!

I know.

Do you have any control
over your people?

I...

Ow!

Hey, you guys, who's sh**ting?

Who is sh**ting?

Oh, forget it.

Leave it alone.
I'll just die.

Look, he's turning back
to a man.

Why'd you make me
do that speech?

Mcguirk:
lynch, how are you?

Oh, hello, mcguirk.

How you doing?

Oh, I'm fine.

Mcguirk:
yeah?

I didn't come up here just
to talk to you and chat.

I was wondering what happened
to brendon small yesterday.

I understand he was with you
after school and, you know,

I had a 3:30 practice, and...

My understanding, lynch was that
brendon was going

To be at practice yesterday.

I need him at practice every day
this week

Because we've got a game against
kent coming up on saturday.

That's an important game,
isn't it?

It is.

Mm—hmm.

What do you actually teach,
lynch?

I never understood
exactly what you do.

It's fourth grade—...

I teach all subjects except
for soccer.

Yeah, well, I mean, soccer
is not the only thing I teach,

By the way.

Lynch: really?
That's correct.

Mcguirk:
soccer is fall and winter.

I have a spring sport
as well...

Which is also soccer.

So I guess I just teach soccer
but it's two seasons

Separated by...

What if brendon is not doing
well in soccer?

Do you want him to do better?

You know, lynch, it's funny—...

When I talk to you,
I get a little uncomfortable

Because I feel like you're being
condescending to me

And I hope that's not the case
because if it is,

I'm gonna kick your a*s
and if it isn't,

Then let's clear it up
right now.

So you could tell me whether
you're being condescending to me

Whenever we speak and if you say
"yes," I'm going to beat you up

Right here in the faculty lounge
and if you say "no,"

I'm gonna say "fine."

Okay.

All right.

You being condescending
right now?

Hmm...

So, here's brendon
with his new presentation.

Brendon?

Brendon:
thank you.

I decided this time that I was
going to prepare

Because last time, whoo!
You know?

So this time i... I went to the
library and I'm just here

To tell you people that

You can't just go to the
library and expect to sit down

And have a report just happen——

Just to fall in your
lap here, you know?

That's something you have
to put effort into

And if you think you're just
gonna squeeze by

Without doing any work then
you've got another thing coming.

Everybody, brendon small.

Good job, brendon.

Mcguirk:
brendon, brendon, the ball!

I... I...

The ball's going by you.

Brendon:
don't worry.

Brendon, come out.

I've got it under control.

Come on, forget it.

I'm doing it!

Brendon, I can't talk to you
from there.

Now come in.

I have a question.

Mcguirk:
come to me!

I've got a question.

Mcguirk: brendon, you're
screwing the game up.

Now, come in here!

Mcguirk: melissa, go get
brendon and bring him back here,

Please, all right?

What do you mean, too many
people on the field?

Come on, ref,
I'm trying to get the kid out.

I sent the kid in
to get the kid out.

That's what I did.

You saw it.

Mcguirk:
oh, come on!

Put down the whistle.

Brendon?
Yeah?

Go to the store
and get me some soda.
Okay.

Mcguirk:
this is ridiculous.

Oh, come on, ref!

I put the beeper number
by the phone.

Paula:
um, 8:30 is bedtime.

Hmm?

It was 7:30 until just very
short...

Mm—hmm.

I only want the kids up 15
or 20 minutes a day.

Mmm.

And, uh...

Make sure that you do the ziploc
bags when you put the food

Back in the refrigerator.

Make sure you do the zip.

See how it changes color there?

Mm—hmm, mm—hmm.

Paula:
watch this.

See how you push it down and it
makes it change color?

That's the only way to know
you've locked in the freshness.

Mm—hmm, mm—hmm.

How late can you stay?

Mm—hmm.

Mm—hmm.

Mm—hmm.
Mm—hmm.

Mm—hmm.
Mm—hmm.

Samantha:
they're downstairs
making a movie.

Ooh, what else do
these people have?

Ooh, snack pac.

Oh—uh, what is this?

You should see what's
in the ice—cream section.

This thing's older than me.

I could die eating the food
in here.

I could actually die.

I could have a...

Oh, my god, I could have
a lawsuit.

We can work this thing out.

I was on the phone
talking to my friend.

All of a sudden I had a bite of
sherbet and, oh, the sherbet—...

It's bad, bad sherbet.

Brendon.

Yes.

We're very happy that you're,
um...

Yes?

That you came to live with us in
our guesthouse

And we're so happy you decided
to move to our small town.

Why did you?

I mean, a guy like you...

I know, I don't like to talk
about anything.

Yeah, you're very tight—lipped
about your past.

I get that a lot.

Right.

Yeah.

Why?

Hey, how are you guys doing?

Fine, but what about your past?

It's best you don't know too
much about...

There's one thing I do know
and that's that

It's somebody's birthday.

Happy birthday, brendon.

Oh, you guys.

Blow out the candles.

Make a wish.

Speech, speech.

No, what'd you say?

Speech.

No!

You wouldn't like me when I give
a speech!!

What's happening?

My cake.

I'll k*ll you first.

I'll k*ll you first, lady.

Are you saying that you
have o.c.d.?

I have o.c.d.

Both:
hmm.

It means two things.

It means, uh...
It means I can't be quiet.

Both:
mm—hmm.

A lot of times I find myself
talking about things

That aren't really the subject.

Whenever I come to these paren—-
teacher conferences,

I can't... I say f——k over and
over again

And it turns out that
that is a...

It's like a cousin of tourette's
or something.

It's a symptom where, you know
f——k this, f——k that,

F——kin' phonics.

It's a problem.

And, and, you know a lot of
times I think,

For these relationships where,
you know,

The kind of relationships
with brendon's teachers...

Mm—hmm...

I think I get off on a bad start
and then I get off

On a bad middle and then
eventually, I go to a bad end.

Hold I have to take
my sweater off

Because I'm really f——kin' hot.

Samantha:
uh... Sort of.

I guess, if that's what you want
to call it.

Nuh, he was a wimp.

You know, i, i... He wasn't
gonna put his arm around me

So I put my arm around him
and I could feel him

Twitch a little bit so I
tightened my grip a little bit

And I said, "don't twitch,
relax.

Just relax, relax,
we're having fun, you know"

And I could feel him like
trying to pull.

He was pulling the other way and
I was like,

"Hey, I really like you.

I think you're really
a nice person."

And I pulled him in and
all of a sudden lo and behold,

He's in a headlock.

He's like, "let me out
of this headlock!"

I don't know, he hasn't called.

Jason:
brendon?

And a ...yes?

I have a sore throat.

From screaming?

Jason: yes.
That was, uh...

But also, I have pink—eye, too.

Oh, jason.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna get out
of here.

Hey, thanks for coming.

I'll see you tomorrow, duane.

Okay, I'll see you.

Brendon:
jason, you shouldn't be...

'Cause we're gonna get sick now.

If you're contagious,
you should stay at home.

That's what my mom said.

Does your mom know
that you left?

Brendon:
your mom was right, jason.

I'm dizzy.

Maybe we should tell
the baby—sitter.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, god.

Cover your mouth.

Cough the other way,
please.

Hold it, I'm choking.

Oh, I think I'm better.

Can I get you a glass of water?

No, nothing for me, thank you.

I don't like to drink in front
of you people.

'Cause of what happened last
time?

Well, yes.

Both:
hmm.

Now, I have to ask you this.

Do you do a fair amount of
drinking during the week?

Lynch:
every day?

No, I used to have a little
relaxer, a little...

One glass of wine, a relaxer,
every evening

Which would make brendon's
homework a lot easier

For me to do.

Jason:
I also have urinary tract
infection.

Is that when it burns
when you pee?

Um, it feels weird.

Oh, man.

Like there's stuff in it.

Like fire?

No, like rice.

You know, one time, who was
it?—...

Russell west, I think—...

Spit outside so miss martin
made him spit into a jar.

He had to fill a whole jar with
spit and I was so jealous.

I had eczema once
but that's not contagious.

I have eczema.

Where do you have it?

I have it on elbow, knee,
crotch, and, um, underarm

And I have head eczema, which is
called "cradle cap."

What is cradle cap?

Here, I'll show you.

Oh, you take it out
of your head.

Melissa:
oh, ohh!

Jason:
it's white.

Eww!

Oh, jesus.

Melissa:
you should wear a hat.

And it feels good
when I pick it off

But the teachers hit me
when I do it.

Mr. Irvin hit me
when I had...

He really hit you?

'Cause I kept picking
cradle cap,

And then mrs. Hanneman hit me
when I pooed myself in class.

Well, lynch.

Mcguirk.

I hope you're happy.

We lost to kent 31 to zero
which, uh,

I guess makes it 14 years
in a row, thanks to you.

Did, uh...?

I gotta be honest with you,
lynch—...

I'm not thrilled about the way
you handled it and, uh...

I could take it up
with the school committee

Or I could take it
up with the principal.

I could do a lot of things,
but what I'm going to do

Is pull on your bow tie
and untie it

Right in front of everybody
to embarrass you.

Maybe I'll do this
where I touch your t

And then hit your face.

Or I'll do this.

I'll just hit you back and forth
with my hand across your face,

And there's nothing
you can do about it.

Alright?

Hmm—mm.

Or maybe I'll bend down
and untie your shoes

Tie 'em together
like I'm doing right now.

Um—hmm.

Paula:
boy, that was...

That was a near miss.

Really? What...
What happened?

Well, they're gonna
get a tutor for you.

And they said that
I get to keep being the mom.

Mom.

Is that a successful day
for the smalls?

Mom, you screwed me.

You screwed me.

A tutor?

Mcguirk:
you know what, lynch?

I'm gonna stop.

I'm not gonna mess
with you anymore, okay

Because I don't want to sit here
and humiliate you.

Uh—huh.

All right, one more little bit
with the hair, but that's it.

What do you use in that,
by the way?

Uh, I don't know.

Just something
that comes in a bottle.

It's nice.
Yeah.

It looks good.

Right, but it's not
a very greasy grease.

It's just kind of...

I'll tell you something else.

Originally I thought your
mustache looked silly,

But it's not bad,
like a thin one.

You don't see that
too often.

I used to make fun of it
to everybody else...

Lynch:
yes, I like my mustache.

I'm just saying I like,
I like it too now.

I'm saying I'm coming around
on it.

Well, thank you very much.

And, you know, I didn't mean
to come down on you

About that brendon small
thing before.

I mean, that was kinda silly.

We have to work together.

I mean, these children
are here for...

For overall education,

And you're part
of that.
Whatever.

Paula:
yeah, okay, brendon look,

I guess you proved
what you wanted to prove.

Nobody can make you
do anything.

You haven't done
any work all year.

Great, great, great.

Now, would you do me an enormous
favor and just show them

That you can do it?

Well, if you're going to make me
feel bad about it, then okay.

I'm going to make you feel lousy
if I possibly can.

I'll do it, I will.

I'll try hard but this is it.

I'm never doing it again.

Kubrick, scorsese, altman,
spielberg, lucas—...

They are all fabulous directors
and every single one of them

Had a tutor, just like me.

Thank you very much, and I hope
you enjoyed my speech.

Back to you, brendon.

Thank you, brendon.

Good work up there,
by the way.

Thanks.

How are you doing?

Fine,
how are you doing?

Fine.

Mr. Lynch?

Brendon?

Ha—ha!

Brendon:
what is this——

A glass of water?

Mmm...

♪ Oh, say can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light... ♪

What I need from you is I need
some reaction cutaways

Some reaction shots of you
screaming and saying,

"Oh, my god, it's a monster."

I'm gonna turn the camera on.

Okay, now give me a "oh, my god,
it's a monster!"

Oh, my god...

Oh, my god, it's a monster.

You're gonna have to give me
more than that.

Oh, my god, it's a...
It's a monster!

That's good.

Okay now, like,
"he's wrecking the city!"

He's wrecking the city!

That's good, okay.

What am I going to do?

That's great! Keep going!

It's a monster!

Look, I wanna...

Put me down!

That's great.

How 'bout...?

Put me down!

Ow, my ribs!!

You're crushing my head!

That's...

Lynch:
stop it!!!

Stop hurting my leg!!

Okay, just, yeah, that's...

Yeah, okay, if you could just...

A little bit less,
a little less over—the—top.

You're kinda doing it
too much.