01x06 - Director's Cut

[bunniefuu]

Coach mcguirk,
what are you doing?

Well, brendon,
I'm tracing my varicose veins.

What does it look like I'm
doing?

Oh... Right.

Look at the shape
this one makes.

I call this one
the tigris and the euphrates.

That's the fertile crescent
right there in between.

Oh, no...

That's for the ladies, brendon.

That's gross.

My god, I'm hideous.



Oh, yeah.

A man shouldn't have
legs like this.

It's just a bad color
to trace them with.

Shouldn't use a highlighter
is what you're saying?

Why... Why aren't
you coaching?

I'm letting drew
run the practice.

That's what assistant coaches
are for—...

Running the practice.

Yeah, I guess.

Assistant coaches
are also for doing my laundry.

You know, the team really seems
to like him.

For getting me food.

Right.

Buying me lottery
tickets.




They know his name, too.

Ow, my spine!

Hey, brendon, how come the team
never carried me off the field?

We tried, but you were too big.

Excuse me?

I mean, too drunk.

Yes... Yes, I was.

But I'll tell you something,
brendon—...

I am every day.

That doesn't mean don't carry me
off the field.

Okay, it's called
louis, louis.

It's based on a fictional
meeting

Between louis pasteur
and louis braille.

See, what I'm going for
is the absurdity

That two famous men from france
are both named louis.

Hi, brendon.

Oh, hi.
Hi.

Hey, guess what I'm holding.

Um...

It's a script written by duane.

Hmm.

He wanted me to
show it to you.

Duane?

Duane can't write.

You haven't even read it.

Listen, melissa...

Why don't you just, for me,
go back and tell duane

That I can't look
at someone else's script first

Without him...

Just look at it.

No, he has to sign a waiver or,
you know, a release form or a...

I think you're going
a little overboard.

No, listen, I don't do
other people's films

Because I have to have
full creative control.

I'm not saying
you have to do it.

Oh, melissa, is this
your first day on the job?

What's going on here?

Well, I mean, I just figured
he works really hard

On all of our films...

Uh—huh.

He does all the music.

He never complains.

Right, okay...

All he's asking you to do
is read this script.

Don't shh me.

I think it's nice
that he wants your opinion.

Okay, let me see this.

This is a...

Oh, a rock opera based
on franz kafka.

Um...

I don't think so.

♪ He is franz kafka ♪

♪ Franz kafka... ♪

♪ Be careful if you
get him pissed ♪

♪ Franz,
franz kafka... ♪

♪ He'll smite you
with metaphor fists ♪

♪ Writing all he can,
he's just a man ♪

♪ A warrior of words
taking a stand ♪

♪ He is franz kafka ♪

♪ Oh, look, but there he is ♪

♪ What will he say? ♪

♪ I'm a lonely german... ♪

♪ A lonely german from prague ♪

♪ Kafka ♪

♪ Kafka ♪

♪ Kafka... ♪

Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Oh...

Okay, first of all, guys,
tremendous—...

Really.

That was just...

That was incredible.

You know, that's great.

I don't understand
that you can do that.

That's fantastic.

What you do is great.

Um...

I'm not sure that kafka's
metamorphosis

Is the best idea
for a rock opera.

But it could be,
too, duane.

So, you know,
if it's okay with you

I'd like to take a pass
at this script.

You're going
to rewrite his script?

No, no, melissa.

I'm not talking
about rewriting it, just a pass.

So, duane, my man,
what do you say?

Is that a yes?

That's a...

I don't know what
you're telling me right now.

That means yes or no?

I can't tell, duane.

Way to go out there, jeremy.

Nice hustle.

Very nice.

Yeah! Outstanding!

Why don't you sing a song,
drew, huh?

Okay, okay, come on in,
everybody.

Huddle up, huddle up here.

Hey, you guys are doing
terrific out there, all right.

Give yourselves
a big cheer.

Good work,
good work.

Okay, now remember...

Excuse me.
Excuse me, excuse me.

What does that mean?

It means get out of my way.

All right, what's going on?

What's up?

What are we talking about?

Drew?

Yeah, we're talking about
being aggressive, team, right?

All right.

Use our skills,
keep our heads in the game.

Okay, drew, enough—-

All right?
Slow down.

All right, everybody hud——
huddle up.

You're huddled up.

All right, good.

Whoa, woo, that was me.

I am sorry.

But I'll tell you something——
I'm on a diet.

It's all protein.

Holy, man!

I don't want to step
on any toes.

That's fine——
you're doing a great job,

There's no question.

And the kids seem to like you.

You're very likable.

Yeah, hey, I am...

Which is very awkward.

You come out of college,

You come here and you've got
a lot of great ideas.

I used to be like you
except less likable

And I didn't go to college...

Sure.

And I'm not so good looking...

Right.

And a beautiful sinewy body.

Thanks.

Mr. Perfect.

That doesn't mean
that gives you carte blanche

To change the roster.

Sure, yeah, I see that.

And I'm sick of you calling
"huddle up."

That's my call.

Right.

And stop pumping up the kids
so much, all right?

This is bothering me.

Brendon!

Move up the field!

Don't stand there
like an idiot—...

Come on!

He's a goalie.

He's playing goal.

Oh... Brendon,
get out of the goal!

Tim, get in goal!

I don't know what's going on,
drew.

Time out! Time out!

Coach, there's no time—outs
in soccer.

I mean, you've got to wait
for the play to stop.

There's no time—outs?

No, no time—outs.

In soccer?

No, no, it's...

I know the game of soccer, drew.
All right?

I know you do.

Forget the time—out.

Huddle up!

You know, brendon...
Hmm?

Winning this game might be
the worst thing

That could ever happen
to this team.

But I thought
we were supposed to win.

No, no, no, anybody can win.

Oh.

See, when you win...

Yeah?

You get c*ck...

And you get lazy
and you get flabby.

And the next thing you know
you're losers again.

Yeah, but...

That's a good place to be.

Right, but we lose
all the time.

Yeah, but it's going
to hurt worse if you win

Because then you'll have tasted
victory, see what I mean?

I guess so.

And once you've tasted it,
it tastes you.

Okay.

See what I mean?

Um... No, but that's cool.

I mean...

All right, losing keeps
you sharp brendon, all right?

Keeps you hungry,
keeps you thirsty.

You want a donut
and a large coffee?

No, thanks.

I do.

I guess that's me again.

Bingo.

Shucks!
French vanilla?

No, none of that crap.

You used to get french vanilla.

I know, it was a bad phase.

I'm embarrassed by it.

You want hazelnut?

No, I want none of those
flavored coffees, brendon.

Just get me a regular coffee,
half & half, three sugars.

All right, man.

All right, hazelnut.

Okay, I knew it.

I think the music's great.

I'm not saying the music
isn't great.

Brendon, I like it.

I'm not saying I don't like it,
you know, guys.

I think this could be one of the
best films we've ever done.

I'm not saying it's...

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, okay.

Guys, look, it's,
like, too easy.

What's too easy?

If we keep doing
easy things like this

Then we won't be hungry,
we won't be thirsty, you know.

Um... Can I have
some juice?

Brendon, what are you
talking about?

I mean, hungry to do good work,
guys.

I mean, you know...

Brendon, you're being
ridiculous.

Brendon... Brendon...

What?

My mother said that hot dogs
are made from horses.

Yeah, okay, well...

From meat from horses.

It's the screenplays
that drive you crazy

The ones that make
you miserable—...

Those are the ones
that turn out great.

Brendon...

Yes, horses,
they are made from horses.

No, no, no, you're not making
much sense.

Okay, okay...

Brendon, you're talking crazy.

No, the production is like...

I want a hot dog.

Melissa, will you get jason
a hot dog?

We just ate.

Melissa?

What?

That's what I'm saying!

It's like hot dogs.
It's like horses.

Everything's smashing together
like a crappy hot dog...

I can't think of...

Brendon, you're getting
all worked up.

No, I'm not.

Brendon—-
the film.

Brendon, melissa—...

What?

Lunch break.

Hey, I call the lunch breaks
around here.

Okay, call lunch break.

Lunch break.

Melissa?

How come duane
who gets to be the bug?

Because there's only one bug
and he's kind of the star

Because he wrote it.

Right.

Is that your dad's coat?

I guess it's brendon's.

It's so big on you.

It's brendon's dad's
and it smells.

All right, guys, okay.

Everyone in place—— good.

All right, action.

Did you read the script?

I read the book.

Hello.

You did?

Hello, we're rolling.

We're just using up tape now.

Can't we have two bugs?

I'd want to
be maggot.

A maggot?

Hello, I'm right here.

That's so gross.

Action! Action!

My god.

For a minute there,
I thought you couldn't hear me.

Brendon, can I be a bug?

♪ I don't know what's wrong with
me ♪

♪ I think I'm turning to a bug ♪

♪ I see double what I see
I think I'm turn into a bug ♪

♪ I ain't got no self—esteem
I think I'm turn into a bug ♪

♪ Betcha $50 I'm a man,
I'm a scholar ♪

♪ That I'm turn into a bug ♪

♪ Mama like it, daddy like it,
baby like it, maybe like it ♪

♪ Turn into a bug ♪

♪ Yeah! Yeah! ♪

♪ He is franz kafka ♪

Cut.

Hey, duane, could
I see you outside

In the sandbox for a minute
just, you know, for a second,

Okay?

Thanks.

Okay, duane, we tried it
your way

And it ain't working, you know,
it's—...

I mean, the project has just
got so much energy

And humor.

I like the music.

Yeah, the music's great, too.

Duane's really great.

Sometimes it's too loud, and
then my ears bleed.

Well, jason, that's because you
stand too close to the speakers.

I know, because I can't hear it
and my ears

Have too much blood in them.

Gross.

What do you say I just pick up
the reins from here

And let me call the shots
because that's what I do best,

Duane, you know?

So what do you say?

Duane?

You know I have a hard time
reading your expressions.

One time, I put a toothpick
in my ear.

You mean a q—tip?

No, a toothpick.

How far in did it go?

Then it broke off.

Did you have to go
to the hospital?

No, I didn't tell anybody
until now.

I think this is one of the best
projects we've ever worked on.

Okay, hey, guys!

Guys, could I have everybody's
attention please?

All right, okay.

Project over.

What?

Everybody go home.

Brendon, what are you
talking about?

This project is over.

But it was going so well.

You know, talk to duane, okay?—-
It's over.

But I want the regulars
to be here tomorrow

Because we are going to start
on a new project, okay?

Am I a regular?

Yes.

My pants say "irregular."

See, and that's
why we're a team.

Just because you
have the camera?

No, the fact that it's my camera
has nothing to do

With which project we work on.

But we're working
on mine because

It's the kind of project that
we've always wanted to do.

I want to work on duane's.

Duane's dead.

Okay, then yours.

What's your project anyway?

Should we send flowers
to duane's family?

The project is louis, louis.

Oh, not louis, louis.

Didn't we veto that one?

No, we put it on hold.

Well, can we veto it now?

Absolutely not.

Okay, can we put it back on hold
and then veto it?

Brendon, nobody was
real crazy about louis, louis

In the first place.

What are you saying?

Two against one.

It's my camera.

Let's do kafka.

Poor dead duane.

Are you louis braille?

Yes.

Say, oui.

Oh, oui.

Mr. Braille, how are you today?

Blind.

Ha!

It's a cruel world.

I invented a new way
for blind people to read.

Magnifique!

What do you call it?

"Braille," get it?

Oui.

I am calling my discovery
"pasteurization."

Get it?

No.

My name is louis pasteur.

Now I get it.

We're great men.

The world owes us a lot but we
ask for very little in return.

I asked only for a house
on the riviera with a view.

A view?

But you are blind.

Well, everyone in my family
is not blind.

What do you think, we're just
a bunch of blind people?

No, I am sorry.

I have been under
a lot of stress, louis.

You mean "lately."

I thought your name
was louis.

You're right—— I'm sorry.

We are two great men
from france both named louis.

It was great meeting you, louis.

And great meeting you, louis.

I must get back to my lab.

I don't have a lab.

You can use mine.

It's a cruel world!

Oh... You said I could use it?

Yes.

It's not such
a cruel world after all.

Okay, I decided not to use
traditional boring music

For the movie.

You mean instruments?

Yeah, yeah, that's very trite,
you know.

Instead, we'll do it
with our mouths like...

♪ Dum, da, da, da, dum, dum,
da, da... ♪

Try that.

♪ Dum, da, da, da,
dum, dum, da, da... ♪

Yeah, that's perfect, that's
great.

Okay, let's have fun with it.

You're sure it
sounds okay?

It sounds great.

Yeah, I'm just not sure
this qualifies as music.

Shh... Hey, I think I know
what I'm doing.

Okay, action.

♪ Dum, da, da, da,
dum, dum, da, da... ♪

I have decided to uninvent
my idea of using braille

To help blind people read.

Ah, but it is too late.

You already thought of it.

Thought of what?

Braille.

I don't know
what you're talking about—...

Wink, wink.

Oh, I get it.

Okay, melissa, right here—...

Real, real big,
lots of drama here.

Brendon, I can't do this.

It's stupid.

Uh... You're stupid?

You're stupid.

You're stupid.

You're stupid.

You're stupid.

Stop it!
Stop it, mommy!

Whoa.

Brendon...

Yeah?

Don't, brendon.

Don't open your mouth.

Why don't you...

Melissa, stop it.

Who said you could start?

Who said you could start it,
brendon?

I can't understand you.

I said, who said
you could start it?

I need to be alone for a moment.

♪ Livin' like a bug
ain't easy... ♪

Oh, duane.

♪ My old clothes don't seem
to fit me ♪

♪ I got little, tiny bug feet ♪

♪ I don't really know
what bugs eat... ♪

Died so young.

♪ Don't want no one
steppin' on me ♪

♪ Now I'm sympathizing
with fleas... ♪

Kind of like james dean.

♪ Livin' like a bug
ain't easy... ♪

Brendon?

Uh, yeah?

We need to talk to you.

Okay, okay.

Brendon, duane's not dead.

We want to do duane's movie.

And he's not dead.

I know you think that
you want to do kafka, but—...

Brendon, please don't
tell me what I think, because...

It insults your intelligence?

I don't know.

Well, I think you're entitled
to all of that.

You know, I'm sorry it had
to end this way

But you're two very
talented people.

And I'd be glad to write letters
of recommendation for...

Let's do lunch sometime
and weekend outings...

Brendon, you hold the bag now.

But I want to throw the ba*ls.

Brendon, take the bag.

But I'd like to throw the...

My arms are tired.

Besides, I'm the head coach.

All right, yeah, I forgot.

What does that mean, you forgot?

I forgot who was in charge here.

What are you trying to say?

You forgot that
I was head coach?

Um... No...

Brendon, how many games have we
won since drew showed up here?

All... All of them.

And how many have we lost?

None of them.

Huh.

Drew's a hell of a coach, huh?

I know.

Makes me look bad.

It does sort of highlight
a few weaknesses.

Shut up, brendon.

Okay.

Let me think here.

Drew's a nice guy, right?

Very nice.

Means well.

He knows soccer,
kids seem to like him.

Kids love him.

He can have my job
if he wanted it, huh?

In a heartbeat
but, you know, why would a guy

Want a dead—end job like that,
you know?

I can't take that chance,
brendon.

That's why it has to look
like an accident.

What does?

The accident.

Oh, right.

Well, that's it.

Duane... The strings
on duane's guitar

Would just suddenly
strangle him.

It would be perfect.

Or I just frame him.

We can exchange the murders.

A crisscross.

What are you talking about,
crisscross?

I'm taking about
christopher cross.

I love that song.

"Arthur."
"Sailing"?

Did he do "arthur" also?

I am louis braille.

And I am louis pasteur.

Aha.

Okay, okay, cut.

That's a wrap.

Melissa, what
did you think?

I thought it
was so good.

You, what you did
over there.

I didn't think you were
going to do that.

Um... Brendon?

Yeah, jason?

Brendon...

Mom, hey!

Brendon, are you okay?

Hey, mom, this is a closed set.

Where's jason and melissa?

Uh... They're away.

You know, they're busy people.

They've got their own lives.

Brendon...

We broke up.
I fired/resigned.

You broke up with
your best friends.

Well, you know, it was
creative differences, you know.

They didn't want to do
what I wanted to do, so...

They're your best friends.

Well, I mean, they're not
that great a people, mom.

They've got their flaws,
you know, I mean...

You're coming unraveled,
brendon—— come upstairs.

How about some cookies and milk,
hmm?

Mom, what is this, 1955?

This is how we're
solving problems?

Yes.

Well...

You're stupid.

You're stupid.

You're stupid.

What are we arguing about?

Who is stupider?

No, we need to get
a video camera.

Why don't we build one?

That's stupid.

You're stupid.

You're stupid.

Hey, melissa, jason, duane,
guys in his band

Whose names I've never
taken the time to learn,

But I will—— I'm glad
I found you guys.

Brendon, we saw you hiding.

I wasn't hiding, but no matter,
I have some good news.

I spent some time juggling
my schedule around

And crying but I was able
to free up some time and so...

I'm back!

Okay, well, let's not
get carried away here, okay.

Okay, look, I'll come clean.

I haven't been a very good
role model to you guys.

Brendon, you were never
a role model.

No, brendon.

Okay, okay, I'll be honest
with you.

I guess this whole
duane thing left me

Feeling a little threatened
and I guess that's why

I acted so egotistical.

Oh, is that why
you were being so selfish?

No, actually, that was just
a coincidence.

But more to the point
is that why you acted

So insecure and cowardly?

Yes, on the first one
and no on the second one.

Okay, wait a sec.

Well, that concludes the
"begging for forgiveness"

Portion of my apology
and now hopefully,

We can get back to being friends
and making movies.

Brendon...

Hmm?

Duane is not dead.

Yeah, I know, he's right there.

My client wants points...

What does that mean?

It means points.

Duh... Lots of them.

And no points, and we walk.

Stop saying "points."

Points.

What I want is something that
says in here I get final cut.

And points.

Forget the points.

No, no, the points
are the whole thing.

Okay, duane would
like two cuts—...

One for him that he gets
to approve and then one for you,

A director's cut.

Director's cut?

I like.

What about points?

Okay, you can have
17 points.

Deal—...

We win—— 17 to nothing.

Brendon...

Yeah?

We win.

Nice work, my man.

What'd I tell you about getting
the points?

It worked,
it totally worked.

♪ Welcome to heaven, franz. ♪

♪ My name is god. ♪

♪ I think you're going
to like it here ♪

♪ He is franz kafka ♪

♪ Well, I'm curing disease
helping blind people read ♪

♪ Don't drink that milk without
talking to me ♪

♪ I'm a savior to those who
can't see with theys eyes ♪

♪ Don't mess with me——
you'll get pasteurized ♪

Yeah!

Come on.

♪ Louis, louis in the house ♪

Break it down.

This is for your cut, right?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, but let me tell you why
I think it works really well

For yours, too.

Why would a guy write all over
the wall like this?

He'd have to be crazy.

A guy like that shouldn't
be coaching kids, oh, no.

No, no, no.

Police, there is a guy spray
painting vulgar things

On the west wall of the
elementary school

And it's not me.

It's this guy, and this is not
good for the kids.

You should see what he's spray
painting.

Oh, drew is involved
with the occult.

Holy!

I just called you.

Oh, dear.

That, um... Quick response.

What?

Oh, no, it's not me.

I found the can
the guy was using

And I just picked, you know,

This is...

♪ ...he's just a man ♪

♪ A warrior of words
taking a stand ♪

♪ He grew up very poor ♪

♪ He's steel, it's to the core ♪

♪ Born in 1883, died in 1924 ♪

♪ He is franz kafka ♪