01x09 - Life Through a Fisheye Lens

[bunniefuu]

Okay, everybody ready?

Ready.

Jason, ready?

I'm ready... Kind of.

I'm a little tired.

All right——
and... Action.

Wait.

Ready?
And action.

Get away from me, uh...

You aliens
from another planet.

Leave me alone!

Father, I brought you
some breakfast and newspaper.

Father!

Why are there aliens here?
What's going on?

Go back, daughter.

I thought the, um, aliens
were friendly but they're not.

They are evil and gross
and they are slowly

Sucking the life out of me.

Oh, father, father!

Don't let them get you,
daughter.

I can't help you anymore.

I'm dead.

Help! Help!

I told you I'm dead.
I can't help.

Melissa:
somebody else who's alive, help!

Brendon:
okay, cut.

Um, it's not working.

Yeah, no kidding.

I just don't feel inspired.

Yeah, and I think
it's the dialogue.

I wouldn't say that,
but...

Well, it's so stiffly written,
brendon.

Why am I calling her "daughter"?

I would be calling her
by her name.

I'm her father,
and she says "father."

You know what?
It's not the dialogue.

It's not
the daughter—father thing.

It's the, uh...

We need a fisheye lens.

What's that?

It's a lens that
makes everything look weird.

No, we need, um,
blood capsules.

Hey, brendon, do you
and all your friends

Want to go for ice cream?

All:
yeah!

Paula:
get it yourselves!

All:
oh.

I'm kidding!
Come on, let's go!

Too late!

I was teasing.

We're going
for ice cream.

Brendon, your mom is,
um... Funny.

I know.

I think it's her timing.

Kids:
three cheers for brendon's mom!
Three cheers...

Kids, come on.
Three cheers for brendon's mom!

Stop it or I'll drop you off
at the corner...

Which just happens to be next
to the ice cream store.

Okay, everybody's
got ice cream?

That'll be $10.50.

Um, let's see...

It's $10.50.

Lady, I got a lot
of people waiting.

Uh, okay, I know.

Do you have $10.50?

Mm—hmm.
Um...

I've got two dollars.

Maybe I could come back.

No.

Okay... Um...
Brendon...

Brendon, give me your ice cream.

Hey.

Melissa, I don't want you
spoiling your dinner.

But this is my dinner.

Give it here.

You still owe me $7.50.

Paula:
aliens, I need your ice creams.

You still owe me three dollars.

Okay.

$1.50.

What do you have for 50 cents?

A tip jar.

Mom, but what about
the whole ice cream thing?

I'll take seven waters.
Not the bottles.

Kids, they're delicious.

I'll meet you in the car.

What...
What's up?

How's that ice cream, jason?

Why don't you take a picture?

Ooh, I am full!

Should have just got the single
scoop, not triple.

Is your mom poor, brendon?

No. No way, man.

Paula:
oh, no, oh, no.

Jason:
man, when it rains, it pours.

Go around!

I told... I told you we should
have taken the mercedes.

Very funny, brendon.

Does anybody want the rest
of my cone?

Go around!

I'm scared.

I want to go home!

Sweetie, we just have
to wait for help.

Go around, half—wit, go around!

We just have to wait.

Mrs. Small?

What, melissa?

Do you want to use my cell phone
to call a tow truck?

Oh, um...
Thanks.

Kids:
three cheers
for melissa's cell phone

Kids:
melissa's cell phone
melissa's cell phone...

Oh, my god.

You okay, jason?

Oh, boy.
Vomit.

Can you open a window?

Uh, the window doesn't work.

Is anybody else in here, um,
lactose—intolerant?

All right, everybody,
listen up. Everybody.

That's hilarious.

All right, now, as you know
we lost yesterday.

Hmm.

Now, we all lost
because of you,

Not because of me
and the way I coach.

That's my pep talk.

You know, if I had
a fisheye lens right now

Mcguirk would look so funny.

Yeah.

Do you think I enjoy it,
brendon? Brendon...

Huh?

You know what I went
to school for? Do you?

No.

Architecture.

Wow.

Now I'm coaching
elementary school soccer.

Think this is a joy for me?
No, it's not.

On friday we got
a big game coming up.

We're playing east central.

You probably don't know this,

But coach mcguirk
went to east central.

My soccer coach——
coach ralph—...

He's still coaching
for east central.

Coach ralph was a mentor to me.
He taught me everything I know.

And on friday, when we
play his team, east central,

I can't think of a better way to
thank him for being my mentor

Than to cheat and win.

If anybody has any ideas
on how to win,

How to beat a way better team,

Raise your hand
and tell me right now

Because there's no way
we're going to win on our own.

This is so cool.

Melissa...

What?

You look so funny.

Let me see.

Wait... Jason,

You look really goofy and weird.

Looks really funny.

That's rather harsh.

Can I look now, brendon?

Oh, my gosh,
is this so awesome!

We could make so many
cool movies with that thing.

Brendon, you look like
a creepy freaky kid.

Stop!

"How do you feel, rosemary?"

Uh, melissa,
can I look now, please?

Sure, jason.

What's the big deal?

The image is all distorted,
isn't it?

Doesn't everything look weird,
jason?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So isn't that funny?

Um...

Brendon:
isn't it good?

Brendon, um,
I wouldn't buy this.

Huh?

The fisheye lens
is kind of a tired device.

No...

Is it really worth it?
It's rather hackneyed.

Um, you can put my name
on this bad boy, my good man,

Because I'll be back to buy it
very, very soon.

Well, we close in an hour.

Oh... No, I mean soon
like in—a—few—days soon

Or weeks or something like that.

Soon, not now.

Excuse me, is this where
one goes to make a withdrawal?

This window
is for deposits only.

Ha!

How are you doing there, mom?

Kind of busy, brendon.

Of course, it's busy
running a household.

How do you do it, mom?

How do you run a household
and still look so good?

Okay, brendon, what is it?

I want to ask you something.

Sure, sweetie,
you've got one minute.

Whoa, i...

I've been timing this pitch
and it takes five minutes, so...

Okay, well,
you've got four and a half.

Come on!

4:29...

Okay, okay, here goes,
here goes.

Mom, are you familiar with
the term "slipped him a mickey?"

As in, "someone slipped
that guy a mickey

And now everybody
looks weird to him."

Brendon, what are you
talking about?

A fisheye lens.
I need a fisheye lens.

No pets, brendon.

No, mom, it's not a fish,
it's a fisheye lens.

You put it on your camera
and you make images look weird.

You know what, I would love to
get you a fish's lens, brendon.

Fisheye lens, mom.

Yeah, but you know what?
I can't afford it right now.

The car has to be fixed
and that's going

To set us back a bit—...

In fact, brendon...

Yeah.

Until further notice,
we are officially on a budget.

Oh, no!

There's not going to be...

No additional spending
for a while.

I'm talking about fun—house—
mirror weird here.

I know what
you're talking about, brendon,

And I know your films
are important to you,

But right now, you know what?

It's going to have to wait.

Hmm, the pipe burst.

Oh, my...
Oh, jesus!

Brendon:
no, no, it's fine. I got it.

Oh, my god!

Everything's under control.

What is going on?

I got it——
don't worry about it.

Don't... Just...

Mom, go take a nap.
I've got this under control.

Anyway, you know it's a...
So it's a fisheye lens.

You'll sleep on it
and we'll talk tomorrow, okay?

Can you hand me a towel, please?

Brendon:
oh, fish...

You don't know how lucky you are
to see the world

Through your fisheye eyes.

But someday I'll get
a fisheye lens

And then I'll be just like you.

Mom, the car's in the shop
and the sink sprung a leak and,

Uh uh... Mom, mom, mom, mom,
mom, mom, mom, mom mom,

I was wondering if I could
borrow some money.

I'll pay you back.

Mom, I'm in a little bit
of a financial pickle here and—-

Mom?

Oh, brendon, I didn't hear you
come in.

That's because you have a banana
in your ear.

It's an earring;
do you like it?

Are you talking to me?

Should I pick up a tangerine
and listen?

You know what? It's nothing.
I'll explain it later.

It sounded like you were
practicing asking grandma

For some money.

Oh, don't be ridiculous,
brendon!

What an imagination!

Look, I want in.

Forget it.

No, I want in.

No. You're going to bed.

No, mom, it's 6:30.
Look, I can help you.

What are you talking about,
brendon?

I have some advice
on asking grandma for money

If that is in fact what you were
talking to the banana about.

I don't need your help
in asking my parents for money.

Besides, I wasn't going
to ask them for money.

I don't even know why
I'm discussing this with you.

Okay, fine, but, uh,
if you want to talk about it

I'll be right over here.

Okay, I'm curious—...

What advice do you have?

You got to do it in person.

You got to go over there.

Why?

You have to compliment
what they're wearing.

Then you find
their weakness.

There's an old saying, mom:

If you sit down
at a card game

And you don't know
who the sucker is...

Then it's probably you.

Yeah.

Look, mom, you got to see
what works on them.

You got to draw it
out of them

Like when I drop my chin
in my chest and look at you

With my puppy—dog eyes,
like this.

Oh, I gave that look
five dollars last week.

Gotcha!

That's why you have
to go over to their house

And you got to get them
into a card game.

Cards?

There's the queen.

Find the lady, mom.

Where's the lady?

Right there!

No, none of them.

See? Now you owe me 20 bucks.

One more time.

Let's do it face up.

Ow!

Stop using your nose.

I need you to practice
as much as you can

Before friday's game.

You know how important
this is to me.

I thought you were going
to get high school kids

To play in our places—...

What happened to that?

Too much money.

Ow!

Coach mcguirk,
I actually have to leave soon

So I can't stick...

Although I must say it is funny
when you use your face.

Ow!

See?

Coach, I have to leave because
I have to go get a job.

A job?

Ow!

Brendon, you're only
five years old.

What do you need a job for?

I'm eight, and I want
to save up some money

So I can buy
a fisheye lens—— ow!

Whoa, mama.

No, wait!
Stop!

Hey, stop, I'm up here!

Somebody's...
Somebody's up here.

Hey! Hey, whoa,
baby on board.

Help!

Knock—knock.

You know, I have things filed
in a very specific way.

You're familiar with
the alphabet, right?

Uh... Most of it.

Well, you know, I use
a slightly different

Filing system so forget
the alphabet if you can.

Done.

It's a system I invented years
ago with my younger brother

And it was inspired
by the dewey decimal system

But it's really
my own system.

For instance, if you have
a house for sale...

Mm—hmm.

And it's
a three—bedroom house...

Right.

I would sort that
under the letter "t."

Okay.

If you're looking to buy a house
and you're a single parent...

Uh—huh.

I sort it under "s."

All right.

If you're not interested
in buying a house

I don't even file it.

Huh...

I'm only interested in people
who are buying or selling houses

Because I'm in
the real estate business.

Right.

I don't worship the ground
they walk on

But I buy and sell
the things that are built

On the ground they walk on.

Okay, well, uh...

And also, you know,
I get a lot of phone calls.

I can answer the phone.

So if someone calls,
the trick is not to say

That I'm here, just to say
that you're going to check

And see if I'm available.

Okay.

So if someone calls, you say...

You say, "real estate.
Who's calling?"

You get their name
and say "can you hold?

I'll see if he's available."

Okay.

You want to practice one?
I'll pretend I'm calling.

Okay.

You answer the phone.

Oh, okay.

Real... Real estate.

First you say hello.

Hello——real estate.

Who's calling, please?

Is eric there?

Yeah, I'll get him,
hold on—— eric?

You have to say you're going
to see if he's available.

Oh, okay.

That's such a critical step.

All right.

Do you get the idea, brendon,
of how this works?

Yeah, I think so.

Can we try one where I call you?

Uh... Yeah, but... But,
just, the other thing is...

Ring.

Hello.

Hi.
Hi.

How's it going?

Okay, you know...

What are you doing today?

I'm training a...

Brendon:
what are you doing after that?

Going out for a drink.

Okay.

I got to get going.

Can I tell him who's calling?

You familiar
with shredding documents?

That's shredding paper, right?

Yeah, these are just files
that are no longer needed

And they take up
a lot of space.

Okay.

And if we don't shred them
somebody's going to go away

For a very long time.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

So if you could just shred
all these documents,

That would be great.

Documents.

Yeah, you put the documents
in the feeder

And then you push "shred"
and the rest happens

Pretty much automatically.

Can we do a practice one?

Yeah.

Okay—— hello.

You say "eric's real estate."

Eric's real estate.

Now push "shred."

Shred.

Can you handle it?

Yeah.

I am really sorry.

You said all the files;
I thought you meant everything

In all the drawers and
everything everywhere.

Eric, are you sure there's
nothing I can do for you?

I'm so sorry.

No.

Technically, all the documents
are still here.

They're not gone.

Yeah.

They're just disassembled,
and if you want me to,

I can go through them and try
to reassemble them.

No, that's okay.

All right—...

We'll hang out
the rest of the day?

No, I don't think
that's necessary.

So am I fired or...?

Not at all.

In fact, I'm going to give you
some time off.

A vacation?

Thank you.

Can we just talk
about payment really quickly?

You know, I shredded
your check by mistake.

And I'm sure you understand how
that can happen.

Oh.

Oh, well, so what's next
on the, uh... Agenda?

You know, I think in your own
childish way

You've stumbled across
an entirely new filing system

For me.

Right.

This is the paperless office
that I've been reading about.

That's what I was going to say.

What... What is this?

That's lettuce——
guess what kind.

I'm going to say romaine.

You're right.

That's a tortilla right there.

That worked out nicely.

You know, I'll tell you what
does not shred nicely is, um...

That plum.

Oh, because of the pit?

The pit kind of like...

I had to get in there with a
screwdriver which is, uh...

Yeah. You know, one of the
things I'm most proud of

As a parent is that I've never
struck a child.

Yeah?

But I'm willing to be proud
of something else today.

Hi, brendon.

Hey.

Hi, brendon.

Hey.

How's work, you chump?

It's hard work.

Work got you down, sucka?

Jason, he could get us
free ice cream.

Really?

But I am glad you guys stopped
by because I wanted

To pitch you guys an idea
for a movie.

Great—— what is it?

Picture this.

It's about an ice cream worker
with a dream.

Okay, and our hero hopes
that one day he will invent

The best ice cream in the world.

But while working on it,
he eats some bad ice cream

And he gets all dizzy
and everything starts

To look weird and creepy, so...

Brendon, do we need
a fisheye lens for this?

Yeah.

How close are you to buying it?

Brendon, we can call it
ice dreams.

How much do you get paid
here anyway?

Actually, melissa,
they haven't hired me yet.

They haven't?

No.

Wow, brendon, you are a chump.

I figure if I come over here
every day and do a good job

They'll have
to pay me something.

Right, that's smart, brendon—...

Hold out for money.

I think it shows good
initiative, brendon.

Hey, kid, I told you,
go home!

How's school, brendon?

School is just terrific,
grandpa.

My teachers love me.

You should go to school.

Well, I do.

Hmm.

School is good.

Well, I mean,
that's why I go, gramps.

Yeah, I'm doing well in sports.

I'm playing soccer.

I'm the best, just in general,
you know.

Grandpa:
wait, hold on.

Watch... Watch your grandfather
do this right now.

Hold on.

Oh... Okay, how'd you do that?

I can't control my...

You know, I don't give
two damns...

Yeah.

Oh, grandpa.

No, no, except for this.

This is the only time
I enjoy myself

When I get visitors
like you, brendon.

You know, I'm going
to cheer you up.

You seem like a guy
that likes to take a chance

With his money and...
You don't play cards, do you?

Sure—— what do you play?

Ever heard of three—card monty?

You want to play poker?

I'll play poker.

So, mom, how's it going?

Just fine, brendon.

Everything's fine.

You know, you shouldn't wait
till the last minute to ask.

I'll handle this, okay?

I don't want you worrying
about our financial situation.

Maybe next year
you can worry about it.

Get you a little box of worry.

Thank you.

Yeah, not to make
matters worse or anything

But I owe grandpa $60.

Grandmother:
paula, make sure you save
all the leftovers.

I can get a couple of meals
out of that

For me and your father.

Oops.

Start digging.

Thank you so much
for the loan, mom.

I really appreciate it.

Don't worry about it, paula.

Hello, fisheye lens.

All right, everybody huddle up.

That was a great game,
all right?

A great game!

I'm so proud of you kids.

But we didn't even win,
coach mcguirk.

We tied.

Yeah, coach, isn't
a tie like the same thing

As kissing your sister?

Yeah.

Hmm.

All right, so nice job, team.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Go home, get some rest.

Sorry, coach ralph
didn't show up.

Yeah, what happened
to that guy?

Let me tell you a little story.

Coach ralph doesn't exist.

He is a figment
of my imagination.

See, melissa, you owe me
20 bucks now.

You're right——
a bet's a bet.

Sorry, guys.

Sometimes, though, I have
to tell stories in order

To inspire my team
so I made up a fictitious coach

Named ralph...

That's 20 bucks, melissa.

Who was, like, a mentor of mine.

Let's be honest, I never had
a mentor except maybe

Jerry lee lewis.

But beyond that, no, I don't
have any soccer mentors.

As a matter of fact
I just started playing the game

A year ago...

Oh, okay, so my mom said
I could pay her back

A little bit every week, so...

Hello, you want to look
at the lens again?

Oh, yeah—...

No, actually.

This time, I want to buy it.

Oh, really?

I'll have it to go, please.

That lens won't fit
on this camera.

Oh.

Um... Huh! Well, then, what...

Would I just need
a different camera or...?

Yeah.

And about how much is that?

$1,400.

Brendon,
that's a lot more expensive

Than the other one.

I know!

I mean, that's really...

I can't afford that
and my mom can't afford that.

Nobody can afford that.

Who can afford $1,400?!

Brendon, brendon...
I'm really sorry.

I am so mad at you!

I mean, at the situation...

At the situation.

Brendon, let's go.

You know what?

Brendon, come on.

No!

Brendon, it's chinatown,

There's nothing you can do.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Brendon:
from the movie chinatown.

I didn't see chinatown.

I guess we'll have to make
movies without fisheye lenses.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot, mister.

My pleasure.

Well, any good director works
within his limitations.

Both:
♪ three cheers for brendon,
for brendon... ♪

Thank you.

Is everybody enjoying
their ice creams?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks, brendon.

Brendon, this is
a wonderful gesture

But I'd rather see you
save your money.

Let me give you the money
for these, please?

Mom, I've learned a little bit
about money

In these last few days—...

Not a lot, but a little.

And so my answer to you
is yes, of course.

I would love for you
to pay for these.

I mean, who do you think I am,
buying everybody ice cream?

I'm just a kid.

Great speech, brendon.

I'm a little short here.

Jason, pay her.