02x01 - Politics

[bunniefuu]

Got it, got it, got it.

Oh, sinatra, don't got it.

How about this
for a campaign slogan?

"You snooze, you lose, so don't
sleep through this election,

Melissa:
"vote for brendon small

For president
of the student council."

It's, it's good.

Thanks.

But, you know,
a campaign slogan should be

Something short and catchy
like uh, "nixon's the one,"

Or "I like ike" or, you know,
something like that, you know.

Melissa: alright, alright,
I get it, I get it.

How 'bout this?

Vote for brendon small
for student government president

Because no job is too big
for the boy they call "small,"

Melissa: brendon small that is,
so vote for him for president—-

That's better.

Melissa:
——of the student council.

Brendon:
yeah, that's good.

You know, hey,
how's the poster coming, jason?

I drew a train, and then
I drew my mom in the corner.

How's that going to get
brendon elected?

Oh, I don't know.

Well, it looks good.

Thanks.
Um, brendon?

Yeah?

"Think big, vote small."

Um, I don't know.
Hmm, nah.

Thurman:
so the playground issue
almost became my waterloo.

Brendon:
oh man, I hear ya.

But with some good old—fashioned
eleventh hour politicking,

I was able to secure my legacy.

You know, one time I tried
to secure my legacy,

But it got away.

Got away.

Yeah.

Do you know that I have run
unopposed in the last
three elections?

You ever do one of those
three legacy races?

Yeah, okay.

Tomorrow, I'm going to beat
the pants off you, small.

Well, then I guess
I won't bother wearing any.

And try not to cry
when you lose.

Well, thanks for your advice,
and uh, let me just say this.

Thurman: yeah?

Now don't misunderstand me,
adjectives are good,

But one, two——eight adjectives
in a row are more than enough

To describe
some little red boat.

It's a big green boat.

Whatever, you get my point.

Excuse ms. Small, do you think
we could have a break now?

I'm hungry.

Actually I was hoping to get
through most of these
papers first.

Can you wait until then, susan?

I'm julie.

I'm susan, can I take a break?

Listen, I really want to plow
through this papers.

I mean, we're supposed
to get a break anyway.

Cool it!

What is it with you people?

Paula: what is this,
some sort of a joke?

Every time
it's always something.

It's always whining,
whining, whining.

All you want to do is go outside
and smoke your cigarettes.

I know that's what
some of you do,

And you should quit
because they're bad for you.

Fine, take your little break,
but remember this,

I'll be damned if I'm going
to waste my time on a bunch
of smokers.

All: surprise!

Guess what, you were voted
nicest teacher of the month.

Really, me?

Nicest? Wow, that's uh,
that's really, wow.

Eh, somebody gotta sign
for this.

Brendon:
okay keep the camera low
and aim it up so I look tall,

'Cause it's good in politics,
and, you know,

Thurman zachary is tall,
and lincoln was tall, so—...

Uh, his hat was tall.

When lincoln took it off,
he was a m*dget.

So, brendon, what's your
platform going to be?

I think brendon
should use this box.

No, platform,
as in political platform.

Yeah, right, this box.

Wait a minute, he's right.
This box is my platform.

Forget it, let's get started.

Action.

Hey, I say "action."

No, I'm directing today.

Stay on the box.

Brendon: and, action.

Melissa: action.

Brendon: action.
Melissa: action.

Go.

My fellow american students—...

Brendon: take two.
Take two.

Action.

My fellow american students,
it's time for our school

To move into
the next millennium,

Even though we did
sort of already.

I'm talking about learning
from videos instead of books.

Books can hurt your eyes.

Friends, has this ever
happened to you?

I can't read anymore,
the words burn my eyes.

Please read the top line, sir.

I can't.
I can't read anymore.

Just as I thought,
you were reading too much.

You'll have to wear glasses
and people will make fun of you

Melissa:
for the rest of your life.

They'll call you
"four—eyes" and "idiot."

Then forget the glasses;
I won't read anymore.

Then they'll just
call you "idiot."

Okay, how about laser surgery?

Well, that's fine if you
don't mind growing an extra arm.

I don't mind, it won't—...

Out of your eye!

Oh, my god.

Next time you should just
watch a video about history

Instead of reading about it.

Then you'll learn
the exact same thing,

But without your eyes going bad.

That's not a bad idea.
What do you think?

There you have it, folks.

Think big,
vote small——brendon small,

And don't vote
for thurman zachary.

Alright, so, how many of you
showed up yesterday

And waited around for me
in the pouring rain?

Gesundheit.

Alright, so pretty much
everybody, good.

Well, the reason I didn't
make it was I was out very late

The night before, alright.

Doing what?

Explanation over.

What were you doing,
coach mcguirk?

Oh, it looks like
I got a heckler.

What?

Mcguirk: uh, first uh, lady,
let me remove my brain,

So we can start as equals.

Melissa: hey.

Hey uh, nice outfit.

Some motel somewhere's missing
a shower curtain, huh?

Coach.

Who does your hair?
Picasso? Huh?

Coach.

Mcguirk: who does it?

Honestly who does
your hair, lady?

My dad.

Who's your dad?
Picasso?

Brendon:
hey coach, uh, melissa
wasn't heckling you.

Mcguirk: look at this folks,
we got stereo hecklers.

Hey pal, I don't bother you
when you're working, alright.

I don't have a job.

I don't go down to the bus
terminal and pee on the seats

While you're trying
to clean 'em.

Brendon: what?

'Cause you work there.

What are you talking about?

You're doing comedy?

Not just comedy, brendon.
Stand—up comedy.

But you're not funny.

What?
What?

What are you
talking about, brendon?

Brendon: I mean uh——

People around here a lot
of times say, mcguirk,

You're, you're kind of funny.

Yeah?

You know, people, some
of the teachers think I'm funny.

Brendon: who?

Mcguirk:
well, you know, when I go into
the teacher's lounge

And I'll say something,
people will laugh

And they'll be like,
well, you should do comedy.

Oh.

Mcguirk: alright?

I have weird observations
about things—...

Brendon: right.

That are meaningful.

And I need to get them
out there.

Yeah, um—...

Mcguirk: you know, I heard
it was also a good way

To get things off your chest,
you know.

I got a lot of anger, brendon.

And I need to channel
that anger.

Brendon: yeah.

Usually I just have a few drinks
in my apartment.

Brendon: yeah.

Start yelling,
and then pass out.

Hmm.

Mcguirk: well, this is a way
to bring that energy

From my apartment
to the public, to the people.

Oh, well, what about soccer
and your actual job?

If I make it as a stand—up,
I won't need soccer.

Mm.

Even though I'm touting myself
as the soccer comic.

Mm.

This is what I do, brendon.

I go up in my coach's outfit
and my whistle.

Yeah.

And the soccer ball in my hand,
and set up a goal.

Uh—huh.

That's pretty funny, isn't it?

I would have to see it.

Well, brendon,
the whole point is,

Is that it's out
of the element, you know.

You're used to seeing me here
because I am a soccer coach.

I know.

But you take
that same soccer coach

And put him
in a different environment,

That's funny, people laugh.

Do they?

They did.

When?

Mcguirk: at the beginning.

Then what?

Well, then I told jokes,
and they didn't laugh.

Brendon: ouch.

But, you got to start somewhere,
you start with the outfit.

Right.

Brendon, hail future president.

Shannon, uh, hi.

What are you, what are you—-

Relax, I just wanted to come by
and wish you luck
in tomorrow's election.

I think you're going to beat
thurman thackery as I would.

Wow, um well, you know,
I appreciate what you're saying,

But I really don't think I have
one heck of a chance at all,
so—...

Brendon?

Brendon: yes?

You need more confidence.

Well, i—...

Shannon: you mark my words.

You will win.

And when you do,
I will be there.

Okay. I'm just going to
back away slowly.

Okay.

Mom, I know you're proud
of your flowers and all,

But can't we just move them
to the other side of the city?

No, I like them here.

What were you saying?

Move the flowers.

Before that?

Uh, this meatloaf is dry.

No, before that?

This is meatloaf?

Before that?

This fish is dry.

No, something about
the election tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
the election is tomorrow

And I think I'm going to be
humiliated in front of
the whole school.

Well, brendon, being humiliated
doesn't matter.

Paula: the important thing is
the whole school will be there.

Oh my god,
look at these flowers.

How much do you think
these cost?

Mom, do you understand
what I'm saying?

I mean if this election
goes badly,

I might have to change schools.

Uh—huh, uh—huh,
I'm thinking minimum $60.

I mean the flowers I got
for my aunt fay

Paula: after she was mauled
by that bear cost $50

And they were nothing,
nothing compared to these.

Mom, will you forget
about the damn flowers?

Brendon, watch your mouth.

Brendon, you still there?

Yeah.

All I can see is flowers.

Hey melissa, what's going on?

Brendon, you won.

What?

You won the election.
You're president.

I won?

Yeah.

I did?

Yes.

Oh my gosh, I won!
I'm a president!

Oh my god, I really am!
Thank you, everybody!

Oh, thank you, everybody!
Oh, this is fantastic.

Congratulations, small.

Oh, thurman, um—-

You've won.

Yeah, thurman thackery
everybody.

Yeah.

He lost and I won,
can you believe it?

Thank you.

Oh my——i'm the president.

I can't get over this;
I really, I really am.

Shannon: brendon.

Shannon.

Congratulations, I think you're
going to make a great president.

Oh, i, I don't think so.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Didn't I tell you
you were going to win?

Yeah, yeah, you did say
I was going to win, didn't you?

And because I was with you
from the first—-

Yeah?

I humbly beseech you for
a position in your inner circle.

Brendon.

What?

Melissa: no brendon.

Tell him he's nothing
but a trouble—making bully

And we don't want that kind
of riff raff on our staff.

Um, melissa, let me put this
into my own words
if you don't mind, okay?

Take care of it.

Okay, just, I will, alright?
Just hold on.

Shannon?

Mm—hmm?

Welcome aboard, my friend.

Shannon, what are you doing in
the hallway during class time?

What are you doing in
the hallway during class time?

I'm asking you.

What are you doing in
the hallway during class time?

What are you doing in the
hallway during class time?

What are you doing in the—-

My students locked me out, but
that's neither here nor there.

Now, what are you doing in
the hallway during class time?

Official student government
business, flat—foot.

Well, do you have an official
student government business
hall pass?

Right here.

Lynch:
hmm, well, everything seems
to be order here,

But uh, we all know you're
the one that broke into the cars

And stole the cds.

Lynch: i, myself,
lost all my frank sinatra.

I love old blue eyes.

Oh, well, then you'll be glad
to hear that I'm going to be

Keeping an old blue eye
on you, shannon.

A big wide open old blue eye.

That's gross.

Yes, it is, shannon.
Yes, it is.

Uh, brendon, can I have a word
with you please?

Can I have a word
with you please?

Look, brendon rumors are
flying around the school

That you and shannon
cheated on the election.

What? That's crazy.

And I know that
he's the one who stole

My entire chairman
of the board collection.

Oh, I didn't know
you collected those guys.

Brendon, I'll be frank with you.

Sinatra?

Huh, you know,
being associated with shannon

Is just the sort of thing that
can keep you out of a good
film school,

That and a nasty anonymous
letter from me.

Lynch:
think about it, brendon.

You have to get rid of shannon.

Get rid of him, brendon,
he's a trouble maker.

You have to fire him.

He's not a good person.

Melissa: he's mean.

He's always threatening
to de—pants me.

Brendon, people are afraid
to talk to me because of him.

I'm afraid to talk to you
because of him.

Melissa: shannon's a bad apple.

Jason: yeah, he's a bad seed.

Melissa: he's a bad apple seed.

Jason: he's bad applesauce.

He's bad apple pie.

He's bad apple crisp.

Shannon: hi, everybody.

Hi, shannon.
Hey, shannon.

How you doing?
We were just talking about you.

Nothing about apples, I hope.

Oh no, no.

Why would you assume that?

Melissa: you look really good.

Um, yeah, you don't look bad.

No, you look good.
You look really good, shannon.

Jason: we'd better get going.

Melissa:
anyway, we should get going.

Jason: uh, yep.

Shannon's evil
and now I'm evil.

I'm my own evil twin.

Brendon, let me just say
as someone who was voted

Best teacher of the year.

Whoa, whoa.

You need to take responsibility.

Mom, mom it was "nicest teacher
of the month."

Huh?

Nicest teacher of the month.

Month, year, same difference,
I'm still the best ever.

Oh, mom!

Ugh, thank god these things
are almost dead.

Flowers! Are you old enough
to sign for this, little boy?

Club host: alright, yeah!

Please welcome to the stage—...

He's a newcomer,
please be gentle——john mcgee.

Thank you.
Thank you.

It's uh, it's actually mcguirk,
john mcguirk.

Mcguirk:
so, how uh, how's everybody
doing tonight?

So, folks, you know, like,
you know you're not allowed

To, uh, double park
in front of a bank.

I didn't know this, I double
parked and they towed my car.

It was very embarrassing
'cause I come running

Out of the bank——
because I robbed it—...

And I see my car
on the back of a tow truck,

I'm thinking, at least I can
afford to get it back.

Because i, I robbed the bank.

Alright, check my notes here.

Um, hey, what's with
classical music on the radio?

When are they going
to stop that?

I mean does anybody
still listen?

No, get rid of it.

I mean, I mean,
can we agree on that?

When's that from?

Mcguirk: I mean, there's oldies
and then there's oldies.

I don't want to hear music
from 1640.

Alright—...

What's with this pictures of uh,
you know, missing kids
on the milk cartons?

Uh, you know, I'm eating
my cereal in the morning,

And um, then I see this,
you know, missing kid.

Well, thanks for depressing me,
you know.

It's going to be a good day,

I guess I should go look
for a missing kid.

Oh, here's a funny one.

So a few weeks ago I was
in a hotel room, right?

And uh, you know, hotel rooms
offer that, you know,

Porn on television, you know.

So I order it up
and my mom says,

"Hey, turn that off,"
'cause she was in—...

She was in the hotel room
with me; I was with my mom.

Now we're cooking.

Classical music——
how am I doing on time here?

You want to keep it going?
That's it?

Alright folks, uh, well, I've
been uh, I've been john mcguirk
the soccer comic, thank you.

Brendon, are you alright?

Mom, can we move the flowers
and have an actual conversation

Where we make eye contact?

No, I like the flowers
on the table.

Paula: when I was growing up,
my mother would never

Let us have flowers
on the table.

Paula:
she said they were dirty,
carried disease,

Sucked up all the oxygen,
ridiculous.

Mom, mom, there's ants
on the table.

What?

Ants.

Paula: oh my god,
it's these filthy flowers.

Mcguirk:
the dead cat thing is funny,
you listening to me?

You know, you should use
like a stuffed animal

And take all the stuffing out
so it's all flat, you know,

And then when you talk about
the cat getting run over,

The audience sees
what you're talking about.

You got them into your world,
you know what I'm saying?

The thing that I did about
the pimple was funny, right?

I mean it needs——
but it's, you know, right?

I think I need a tag
or something on the end,

Like something that says to
the audience, here's the funny—-

You know, man, I'm really
working up a thirst.

Teddy?
What's his name?

Why is every bartender
named teddy?

It's like they, uh, breed 'em in
uh, somewhere, in the midwest.

You guys want another one?
Come on, stick with me.

Okay, so shannon,
you're not in this part yet.

Okay.
Nice camera.

Thank you.

Good resale value I'm guessing.

Uh thanks.
Okay, jason, melissa places.

Uh, brendon, does your house
have any kind of alarm system?

No, like, are you kidding?

Wait, I mean maybe.

Do you have
any big, vicious dogs?

No.

Hmm, that's interesting.

But we've got a lot of ants.

Shannon: ants?

Yes, they're special
security ants.

Shannon: hmm.

From argentina.

Shannon: uh—huh.

Brendon?
Brendon: yes?

Jason and I are all set.

Okay, well let's do this.
Um, action.

Hurry up, clyde,
the coppers are coming.

Um, I can't, bonnie.

I can't break into the car
because I can't open the door.

I thought you were a criminal.

I am.

I stole this coat hanger,
didn't i?

The cops are coming,
clyde, hurry.

Oh, my god.

Cut, wait just cut.

Um, this um, it's not working.
It uh, it doesn't look real.

Um, I'm not buying it.

Gosh, we really need somebody
that knows how to break
into cars for real.

Yeah.
Yeah, I wonder—...

That would definitely help.

Yeah, that would really help,
wouldn't it guys?

Don't look at me.

I don't know the first thing
about it.

I just break the window.

Really?

Shannon: yeah.

Well, that's very interesting.

Yeah, I didn't think to do that.

You mind saying that again?

Okay, um, well, I just smash
the window and open the door.

That's the easiest way.

That's how I broke into
mr. Lynch's car

And I took all his cds;
he had a lot of sinatra cds.

And I also broke into
the principal's car,

But, you know,
she left the door unlocked.

Oh, so you didn't
have to smash the window.

No, i, uh, guess
I didn't have to.

Shannon, how come you do that?

Is she kidding?

I am the criminal element; I'm
you're worst nightmare, baby.

It's what I do.
You don't steal, I do.

I don't play with dolls, you do.

You don't break into cars, I do.

Yeah.

Well, look I'd love
to stay and chat,

But my seratonin levels are
kind of nose diving, you know.

I got to get some stimuli
before I crack up.

Sorry guys, it's kind of
dullsville here, you know.

Okay.

Good luck with this thing.

Thanks, shannon.
Bye, shannon.

Guys, we did it.

We did.

We got him on tape.
We did it.

Yes, cell door closed.

That it is right.

All chanting:
we've got shannon.

All chanting:
right in the cannon.

All chanting:
we've got shannon.

All chanting:
right in the cannon.

Shannon: take care.
Bye, bye kids.

All: bye.

Hmm, I got to go for a walk.

Mcguirk: watch it, jerk.

Coach mcguirk?

Brendon, what are you doing
in my house?

You're on the beach.

What are you doing on my beach?

Oh beach.
Oh man, not again.

Why are you sleeping
on the beach, coach mcguirk?

'Cause comedy's tough, brendon.

You know,
you don't look so good.

I feel fine.

Actually, I have
a pounding headache.

And there's a fish in my pants.

Um—...

You know what, brendon?
I can't live like this.

Yeah.

I can do stand—up
without the binge drinking

Or I can just stop the stand—up,

Do the drinking,
'cause I like that part.

Right.

But, you know, I can't do both.

I've got to take a stand,
brendon, one way or the other.

Yeah.

I've got to take a stand.

Yeah.

Hey, do me a favor, will ya?

What's that?

Help me stand.

That's not gonna happen.

Brendon: thank you all
for coming here today.

We go to school here.

Well, okay.

I want to apologize
for the reign of terror

That has gone on because I
did not take the proper actions.

What's he doing?

Something he should have done
a long time ago.

Therefore, I shall resign
the presidency,

Effective at noon tomorrow.

Tomorrow is saturday.

Okay, noon today.

Student: it's 2:30.

Alright, 2:31, I shall resign
officially at 2:31 today.

Why is brendon resigning?

Because he knows it wasn't
a fair election, shannon.

You beat up thurman
and stuffed the ballot boxes

And threatened everybody.

No, I didn't.

You didn't?

No.

Well, then, what happened
to thurman thackery?

I don't know, maybe he fell.
He's a stupid, clumsy kid.

And so now I turn the office
of the presidency

Over to the man
who should have won.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thurman thackery.

Huh, well, look at that.

He's, uh, not getting up.

So, anyway,
I'm still going to resign.

Any questions?

Anybody have any, um, requests?

Can we get pizza more?

Pizza more, I have no idea
what that means.

Next question.

Is ketchup a vegetable?

Very good question.
Ketchup is actually a fruit.

It's a magical fruit.

But, you did steal
all those supplies

And beat up those kids
and stole the cds?

Yeah, 'cause that's what I do;
I'm a thug.

We've been over this.

What is so hard for you
to understand?

From outer space.
Next question.

You suck.

Looks like we've got a heckler
in the audience.

Why don't take off my head
and remove my brain

And we'll start out
as equals, huh? Hello?

Student: shut up!

I don't think that's a question.

Mcguirk:
so what's with women and crying?

Mcguirk's mom:
oh man, you suck.

Mcguirk: yeah, thanks, mom.
My mother, ladies and gentlemen.

I remember
my first drink too, lady.

So anyway folks——

Mcguirk's mom:
yeah, I remember
your first drink too.

You were three
and you drank your father's gin.

Mcguirk:
oh my god, it really is my mom.

Mcguirk's mom:
you know what sucks
worse than you?

Mcguirk: what?

Mcguirk's mom: nothing.

Mcguirk:
well, this is awkward.
So uh——

Mcguirk's mom: boooooo.

Mcguirk: alright mom,
I get the point.

Mcguirk's mom: boooooo.

Mcguirk: um, anyway, I've been
john mcguirk the soccer comic.