03x02 - Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

All right, melissa.
You're detective winuski.

What's the movie about?
40 Pages.

Jason, you're
detective mulligan.

Brendon?
It's about a guy arrested
for something he didn't do.

Is it a comedy?
Yes, it's hilarious.

I'll read the stage direction.
Brendon, I don't wanna
be mulligan.

I wanna be winuski.
No.

I'll be mulligan.
I don't care.
No.

Nobody changes. I'm reading
the stage directions.
Here we go.

Let us switch characters.
Yeah, it's not gonna k*ll you.

Fine, switch.
Melissa, you're mulligan.
Jason, you're winuski.

- It's "waynuski," by the way.
- Let's just start.

Okay. Interior,
unmarked police car. Morning.

Mulligan and waynuski sit,
slurping coffee.

Mulligan is behind...
Slurp.

- Slurp.
- Mulligan's behind the wheel.

Slurp.
Slurp.

Slurp.
They finish...

They finish the coffee.
Oh, they finish that coffee.

- Slurp.
- My head is spinning.

They put that coffee down.
That coffee's goin' downtown.

Put the coffee down!
Whoa.

Finally, mulligan speaks.
You're kind of quiet this
morning. Something wrong?

Well, yeah.

Wanna talk about it?
My husband is leaving me.

Hmm?
Whoa. Brendon,
this is bad casting.

Yeah, maybe I should
play waynuski.

Yeah.
Can we take a break?

No, you two switch.
Go ahead, waynuski.

My husband is leaving me.

I guess now would be a good time
to show you how I feel.

Mulligan leans over
to kiss waynuski,

But waynuski isn't interested.

Pucker up, waynuski.
Not now, mulligan.

And besides,
I'm not interested.
We've got a job to do.

Ouch. Rejection.

I'm outta here.
Ouch.

Slam the door
on the side of his head.
Ow.

Ouch.
Like, a little bit harder.

And do it.
Ow!

Harder.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

You forgot
your wallet, maybe?
Ow.

Let me rewrite that.
Do that one more time?

Yes. We've got a job to do!
No, I don't wan... Ow.

- Okay. That's good.
- Interior.

Japanese bathhouse, night.

♪♪

What are you makin', mom?
It smells good.
Grandmother's on her way over.

Did grandpa die?
She didn't say why
she was coming.

I should work on the desserts.

I need a tablespoon
of brown sugar.

Mom, fire in the hole! Look.

Holy...

Whoa!
Oh, my god!
Brendon, don't panic.

Okay, um, why do they call this
a tablespoon?

Get away! Whoo!
Whoo!

Whoo!

You saving that for later?
Brendon...

It's just a small fire,
just so you know.

Grab your sister
and get out of the house!

Can I get my movie camera first?
No! Get your sister!

Go. Go!
Okay.

And get my wallet and checkbook.
They're in the third drawer.
I know where they are.

How do you know where my wallet
and checkbook are?

What?
Brendon?

Yep?
How do you know where my wallet
and checkbook are?

Brendon?
Brendon can't come to the...
Hallway right now.

Explanation, please.

Uh, i...

We should really think about
calling the fire department.

Everything's under control,
ma'am.

Thank you very much.
I feel so stupid.

It was such
a small little fire.

All big fires start
with one small spark, ma'am.

Right, of course.

Paula.
Mom?

I've left your father.
Oh, my god.

We're getting a divorce.
Good.

Maybe we could just
establish right now

That I have a situation
going on.

Do you see the firemen?
And do you see the kitchen...

Oh, for pete's sake, paula.
Hi, paula. How is your fire?

I'm getting a divorce.
She's in shock.

I'm getting a divorce.
I understand.

Could I borrow that hose?

Dad, this is ridiculous.

No, paula, listen.

If getting a divorce
is what it takes
for your mother and me,

To, you know, move on together,
as they say, then so be it.

What the hell are you
talking about?
Don't get upset.

How can you be so calm?
I've had a couple
of glasses of sherry.

You've had what?
About six or seven glasses
of sherry...

Dad...
The flannigans went through
the same thing, down the street.

But they had a cat, and
I can't exactly remember
all the details.

The flannigans have nothing
to do with this!
Don't get upset.

Dad.
Yes, sweetheart?

Okay, listen to me.
You and mom are...

Oh, geez. I just spilled.

So, uh, grand... Uh, doris...

Doris, yes.
Um, so...

I understand
there are divorce bells...
Well...

So were you cheating?
So, what's the story here?

What do you consider cheating?
Yeah.

I hear ya.

Uh... Yup.

I'll tell ya. The kids are
the big losers in divorce.

You're gonna have to keep
your eye on the little one.

Well, I just talked to dad.
He's heartbroken over this.

Oh, please. The only way
to break that man's heart

Would be to whack it
with a sledgehammer.

Or take away
his antidepressants.

Let's get something to eat.
I'm starved!

Listen up. I just found out
I'm supposed to be grading
you kids.

Since I haven't been
keeping track, I'm going
to have to wing it.

Yea!

Don't think I've givin'
everyone an "a", 'cause I'm not!

Nobody's getting an "a"
'cause we suck.

Let's start the bidding.
Who'll give me five bucks
for a b+?

Coach mcguirk?
I always get a's.

Well, not this time.
In fact, for that outburst,
you're getting a "d".

Can I get you a cup
of coffee for a b+?

For a what?
B+?

It's a big step up
for a coffee.

For a coffee
it's a "c".

Get it?
Yeah.

Black, eight sugars.
Hurry back.
Thanks, coach.

Anyone else? Fenton?
I can shine your shoes.

Oh, fenton.
That's an "f".

"F" for fenton.

We can do your laundry.
We'll wash your whites.

Yeah, we'll wash your whites.
We'll separate your colors.
Perry! Perry!

Yeah, we'll...
Come on, perry!

We'll use fabric softener.
Hoo-hoo!

Perry! Perry!
Yeah!

All right! Shut up,
the both of you.

You two are gettin' d's.

- Okay!
- Yea!

Two d's! Two d's!

All right! A's
for walter and perry.

Hoo-hoo!
Everybody run 40 laps now.

- It's for half a grade.
- Yea!

Uh, coach mcguirk,
my mom wanted to know

If you knew any carpenters
who could rebuild a kitchen.

What am i, the "help wanted,"
brendon, huh?

We had a fire and she thought
you might know someone because
you know everybody...

Really?
Yeah?

So your mom needs a man
around the house, huh?
Yeah.

Keep runnin', fenton.

Well, you're in luck.
I do know somebody.

I know him real well
and he works cheap.
Can I have his phone number?

It's me, brendon.
Try to keep up, all right?
Yeah.

I'm the guy.
I'll do the work.

You?
Yeah.

I used to do construction.
Your mother knows that.

That's why she's aski"
for me.

I'd love to do it.
Plus, I could use the cash

And I'm havin' some work done
on my place, so...

Here's your coffee, coach.

What's wrong?
I got an inner ear itch.

It's drivin' me nuts.

You ever get those?

Not really.

That window, let's see,
cabinet,

Counter, paint,

Beer.

All right, paula,
here's my estimate.

You can just tell it to me.
Well, I'd rather write it.

That's the way we do it
in construction.
Okay.

Remember, that doesn't include
labor or materials, so...

Wait. What?

Oh, wait. That does include
labor and materials.

But it's an estimate.
You know, estimates change.

Constantly changing.

Well, it's still cheaper
than any estimates I've had.

It's because I do cheap work.

I'm going outside
for a cigarette, okay?
Well, hello, yourself.

John, this is my mother, doris.

Mom, this is john mcguirk.
He's gonna redo the kitchen.

How do you do?
Okay, get out.
Bye, mom.

Doris.
Mr. Mcguirk, uh...

What a lovely name doris is.
Weren't you going out
for a cigarette?

Uh, well, mr. Mcguirk,
I have to ask you something.

You're not going to take
advantage of my daughter,
are you?

Mom! I'm not a baby!

I just don't want
my money wasted.
You're not paying for this.

Don't be ridiculous.
You don't have money for this.

Ma, I have money.
She doesn't have money for this.
She's a single mother.

I'll be paying you.
I'm paying you.

You can both pay me.

I don't need you coming in here
and saving the day.
Somebody has to.

So what happened in here
anyway, fire?

Brendon.
Yeah?

How come your grandmother's
living here?
She's getting a divorce.

She's sticking around here
while she...

Uh, isn't your grandmother
a little old for a divorce?

That's the thing. You can get
a divorce at any age.

It doesn't matter
how old or young.

Yeah, but I mean,
it's kind of stupid at that age.

You mean, you've put in
the long...

You're pretty much
on empty anyway.

Might as well just g*n it.
All parents get divorced
eventually,

So your grandparents
just waited a little longer.

It's just a bad...
Jason, your parents
are still together.

I forgot they're still together.
Not listening.

That's so cute.
That is the cutest thing
I've ever heard in my life.

My parents might get divorced.
Yeah, right.
Come on, jason.

No, it's true.
Oh, really?

My parents are on
the verge of divorce.

Really?
Yeah.

Hi, coach.
How's the job goin'?

What are you, my foreman?
No.

Good. Hey, brendon.
Yeah?

I need some tools.
Back closet.

Mm-hmm. I don't see
any tools in here, brendon.

What are you talking about?
It's full of tools.

I'm just used to a different
type of tool, that's all.

Should have brought my brand
over. What is this? Hmm?

Coach, that's a ruler.
Oh, I need a hammer.

I guess I could use a ruler.

Um, you can use that
as a hammer.
Yeah.

Hold on to this end
and I'm going to pull.
I'll see you later.

All right, just...
Now keep goin' back.

I'm gonna let it go.
There you go.
Ouch!

That's gotta hurt.
My dad used to do that to me.

See, I'm like a father figure.
You really are.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna
go out front

And whoop at girls.

Are you mr. Dumper?
Yes!

Book him, mulligan.

All right, sucker.
"You have the right
to remain silent,"

And the right to feel
my fist if you don't shut up.

I didn't do anything wrong,
officer.
Detective.

Officer detective.
No, it's detective waynuski.

No, you're detective mulligan.
I'm detective waynuski.

Right.
Thanks for remembering.
It's okay. Just keep going.

Anyway, scum... Scumbag...
But I'm innocent.

That's what they all say.

Ouch! That hurts.

Isn't she somethin'?
I'm gonna marry her someday,
as soon as she gets a divorce.

What am I charged with?
Wouldn't you love to know,
scum-sucker?

Why are you being
so mean to me?
I'm a cop.

You think it's easy?
All right. Cut!
That was great, guys.

Bravo, kids.

Thank you very much, missus
whatever your last name is.
Thanks.

Brendon, is there a part
in your movie for
an old, wannabe actress?

Uh, no.
Come on.
It looks like fun.

And I haven't had some real fun
in a long time.

Uh, okay, you can be
the landlady.

Brendon, can we
talk about that?

And action.

Where are you going
with mr. Dumper? He owes me
two month's rent.

The state's gonna pay the rent
where he's goin', lady.

But I need a tenant, detective,

Not just to pay the bills,
but a woman gets lonely

Running her own
apartment building.

You know what it's like to be
lonely, don't you, detective?

Uh, yeah...
Why are you touching my chest?

What page are we on?
Uh, cut, cut!
Wow, that was...

That was great.
Doris, a whole new angle.
That was... Wow.

Thank you, brendon. I'm going
outside for a cigarette.
Kids, don't smoke.

Thank you, mrs...

Aw, crap.
I am not good at this.

Coach, can I ask you
a stupid question?
Say what?

Are you measuring that
countertop after you cut it?

Oh, it sounds crazy
when you say it.

Actually what I'm doing
is eyeballing it, all right?

That's the way real carpenters
do it, they eyeball it.

I gotta tell ya, I sure
would like to fool around
with that thing.

What, the saw?
Yeah.

Knock yourself out.
Wow, this feels expensive.

Press that button.
All right.

I'm gonna step out.

Talk to you later.
All right.

Brendon!
In the kitchen, mom.

Oh, can you help me
with the... Mom!

What are you doing?
I'm fixing your laundry.

Stop it.
Just stop it right now.

Ah, paula, don't take every
little thing so personally.

You're unfolding my underwear.
Because you didn't fold it
correctly, dear.

I folded it just fine!
You always do this!

Don't you have a movie
to go direct or something?

Actually, he's helping
me out here.
Brendon, go.

Paula, this
is exhausting.

Would you grow up?
Grow up?

Mom, can jason and melissa
stay for dinner?
Sure, honey.

Thanks.
Grow up?

You're acting like a child.
A child?

It's like tijuana. I'd like
to put some money down.

Thank you for supper.
You're a very polite
little kid.

Thank you.
I don't trust polite kids.

Sorry.

Mom, you can't stay here
anymore. You have to leave.

Tonight. John, do you want
another meatball sub?
Sure. These are great.

Keep 'em coming.

Wait, paula,
you're kicking me out?

Hey, melissa, look.
That's cool.

"Das boot."
"Das boot."

"Das boot."

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm lonely
and I ran out of sherry.

I wanna stay here too.
Oh, god.

Now I'm really going.
Watch this.
Hey, grandpa.

Brendon?
Yeah, how ya doin', grandpa?

Oh, you're shootin'
right up there.

Yeah?
Yes.

All right,
I'm goin' to my room.

♪♪

Your grandmother and me
just don't see eye-to-eye
on a lot of things.

I think it's
the height difference.

She was a chaperone at my senior
prom. Did I ever tell you this?

What? She embarrass you?

No, my date stood me up.
Bailed on me at the last minute.

I stayed home and cried
all night while my mother
went to my prom.

Have you ever, uh, thought about
taking a swing at her?

Yeah.

We just had a moment,
didn't we?

Huh?
Didn't you and I
just have a moment?

Mom?
No, I don't think we've had
the moment yet, brendon.

How much time has to go by
before we have a moment?
Several moments.

I've got a meeting...

That was the moment.
Ah! Where was i?

You missed it.
You were talking.

I was. As far as moments go,
mom, it wasn't that great.

♪♪

How's it goin'?
Paula, you startled me.

Gave me a start.

It's, uh...
It's goin' slow.
Real slow.

Like that.

I mean, it's going not...
It's going like that.

Pretty much.
You want a beer?

No, I've already had...
Oh, sure. I'll have one.

What is it, jason?
Are you sick?

My heart, brendon.

My poor, little,
innocent beating heart.

My parents are getting divorced.

What?
That's awful.

Yeah, yeah.
It's really bad.
Wow.

Hold on a second, guys.
They're goin' at it again.

Cut it out, you two! I'm on
the phone with my friends!

Wow.
It's really bad here, guys.

Yeah, there's definitely
a divorce comin' on.

Uh, hold on
a second, again.

Give me a break!

Give me a break!
Please, stop yelling!

I can't stand the yelling!

Uh, jason?
Why the yelling?
Why the yelling?

Jason?
Why?

Make it end!
Jason?

Make it end!

I totally relate
to you guys now

About the divorce thing,
'cause, I mean,

Looks like they'll be divorced
by the end of the day.

Jason.
Yeah?

Your parents aren't really
getting divorced, are they?

Huh?
They're stayin' together, aren't' they?

Uh... Yeah.

Your parents aren't
even there, are they?
I don't know.

It's just that,
'you know...
It's okay, jason.

Sometimes people
just stay together.
Yeah, it's not your fault.

No, it's not your fault.

I guess.

Yeah.
Well, okay.

So, what are you guys doin'?
Well, we're waiting for you.

Am I supposed to be over there?
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.
Well, I had to stay here,

To do the whole thing
about faking my parents
getting divorced.

Right, but now that
the jig is up...
Yeah, I'll come right over.

Thanks.

When I started this job,
I wasn't going
to let it beat me.

I remember you saying that.
Yeah.
I'm not a quitter.

No, no, you're not.
When I take somethin' on,
I take it on.

Yeah.
Yeah? I'm a fighter.

We know.
I am.

I quit.
Tell your mom I quit.

I don't wanna tell her myself.
I can't face her.

I'm a beaten man.
Here's the checklist.

Do not use the stove.
I think I hooked up
the wrong pipes.

Do not use the bathroom.

- Don't go in the bathroom...
- Right.

Because I used the bathroom...
Right.

And then I realized that
the bathroom doesn't work
'cause I ruined the pipes.

See you at practice.
Coach, coach.

This isn't finished.
What isn't?

The kitchen.

Oh, I know that,
but the scam is.

Well, that's something else,
isn't it?
Yeah.

Well, good job.
See you in court.

See ya.

Uh, mom, what are you
doing over there?

What? I'm just refolding
my underwear.

Is it okay if doris comes over
and finishes my movie with me?

Yea, it's fine, brendon.
It's fine.

You know what?
I'm-i'm glad that you two
get along.

We might not, but... I'm really
glad you two get along.

Thanks, mom, but can we
send grandpa home? He's really
starting to smell.

I was waiting for garbage day.
Thought we could just
push him out.

No, I mean, he's actually...
Smelling things.

Which is weird.

I'm here serving
three life sentences.

Funny thing, life.

So, what are you in for?
Nothing.

Right, right.
I didn't do anything.

Complaining only
makes it worse.

You gotta play the hand
you're dealt, kid.

Yeah, but I actually
really didn't do anything.

Well, then you should
scream your head off.

Hey, lowlifes.
Hi.

Hey, warden. What brings you
down to the hole?

Hey, dumper, your landlady's
here to see you.

Landlady, please get me
out of here!

Are you gonna pay me
the money you owe me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll pay you the money
that I owe you.

But you don't have
any money, do you, dumper?

Ooh, that's not
in the script...

Um, well, I do have it
and it's under...

Hidden in my bed,
underneath it.

That's all I wanted to know.

You know, you're even stupider
than you look, dumper.

Yes, I know that.
What?
We got him, waynuski!

That's right, mulligan.

- All right, mulligan.
- Whoo!

Mulligan, waynuski,
the detectives?

That's right.
So you guys
are undercover?

That's right.
So when did you

Change the script
and not tell me?

It was doris' idea.
Cut.

We should have cut wh...

Oh, come on, brendon.

The way you had it was good,
but I think my way

Is much more poignant.

I think you and I are
gonna have a little talk.
I need a cigarette.

- Me too.
- Do i?

I'll come watch.

♪♪