04x09 - Those b*tches Tried to Cheat Me

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Good morning, Brendon.
Good morning.

You want coffee, tea,
biscotti, scone?

No, no, no.
Cheese sticks?

They have good cheese sticks...

We gotta make this quick

'cause I'm gonna be
late for school.

Yeah.

You okay?
Yeah, yeah.

You sure?
Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So what's on
your mind?

I just wanna have,
you know, a little
guy talk.

Right. Guy talk, yeah.

I'll start it off.
Okay.

Girls, huh?
Whoo! Aren't they
a little weird.

They're almost like
a different species.

Uh, yeah.
I guess so.

It gets so confusing sometimes.

Jason, what's going on?
Do you know this girl?

Um...
Her name's Penny.

She goes to school
with is. She's in
the fifth grade.

Do you recognize her?

No, I don't know her.

Are you and this girl a couple?

No!

No. Brandon, no.

We're in that weird phase

where we're kinda
getting to know
each other...

in that I've been
following her
for a couple weeks.

You've been following her?

No, I mean, I've been
shadowing her

in order to learn
about her interests.

Jason, look, I gotta split.

I got a test I gotta take.

I know, I know, I know.

Believe me, we don't
have a lot of time,
actually.

I do have a few
questions that
I wanted to ask you.

Uh-huh.

What is the...
What do I say,
like, right away?

Do I say, "I like you"?

Or do I get a gift or something?

Like give her, like a necklace?

I don't know.
Or a CD box set?

I don't know.
Maybe.

You don't know.

When it comes to women,

is honesty the best policy?

I got that one from a magazine.

I-I don't know.

Do you not understand
the question?

No, I understand
the question. I don't know.

Brendon, you gotta
give me a little help...

in, like, 10 seconds.
10 seconds?

Yes, 'cause she's coming here.

I... I mean...

This hat on?
This hat off?

I don't know...

Glasses? Do they make me
look too nerdy...

or do they make me
look cool like
Jack Nicholson?

Tie on?
Is it too formal?

There she is!

Jason, why are you hiding?
I'm not hiding.
I'm being coy.

Okay.
That's Penny?

I can't see her.
Where'd she go?

That's her, yeah.

She's ordering.

Uhhhhhhhh...

What do you think, Brendon?

Pretty amazing,
right?
Yeah.

Uhhhhhhh...

Look, I gotta get...

Oh, my God! We're gonna
be late for school.

We should get going.

I'm actually gonna stick around

and do a little more stalking.

Stalking?
Studying.

Okay. See you at school.

♪♪

Mr. Lynch! Hey!
You dropped something.

You dropped... the answers...
the answers to the test.

What?

I don't remember ordering
a male stripper.

License, registration,
proof of insurance,
please.

Oh, come on.
We're not gonna go through
that, are we?

License, registration,
proof of insurance,
please.

All right.

Here's my license.

Can't really help you
with the rest, Spanky.

You telling me you don't
have registration?

At least I ain't drunk,
right, flatfoot?

What?
Huh, Johnny Law?

Please step out of the car.

Look, I got a lot of friends
who are cops.

Please step out of your car.

Uh, what-his-name's
a friend of mine...

Wojciehowicz.
Who?

Wojo.

Please step out of the car.

Okay, look, this is confusing me

because none of your
motor skills seem
to be working,

but you passed
the breathalyzer 100%.

I told you before, officer,

I've had a lot of problems
with motor skills.
Right.

And I've been through this
a million times with cops.

They pull me over,
they breathalyze me,

and half the time I'm not drunk.

Well, I'm writing you
a ticket anyway.

For what?
For speeding.

Oh.
Your license
is suspended.

Forgot about that.

You'll have to retake
the driving test.

Have fun at traffic school.

No, no, no, no!

Brendon, she's coming.

I want you to introduce me.

What? You mean Penny?
Yes!

I don't even know her.
How am I supposed
to introduce you?

Brendon, just do it!
Ouch! Ouch!

I'll be right here.
Okay.

Hey! Hey!
Excuse me.

Excuse me. Penny?
It's Penny, right?
Yes.

Yes. Okay, listen,
this is gonna sound weird...

And it is weird...
It's weird to me...

But I have a friend
who likes you.

What? You have a friend
that likes me?

What's his name?
Who are you?

Brendon. My friend's
right here...

was... was right here.

I'm sorry. Um...

So this Brendon guy likes
me? What's he like?

No, I'm Brendon.
My friend likes you.

He was... He was just here
like a second ago.

Oh! Your friend, huh?
Can I meet him?

Um, he'd like for you
to meet him, I guess,
at some point.

Right now, maybe,
if he comes back.

Oh, that's funny.
You're funny.
I get it.

I get what you're saying to me.

Because I don't see
any friend anywhere.

No, he was just over there.

I think I understand.
Gotta go.

I think we're having
a misunderstanding.

Nice to meet you,
whoever you are.

Oh, Lordy.

So how'd it go?

Jason! What the hell?
Why'd you disappear?

I didn't. I just went...
looking for my books.

You were in the locker
with the door closed.

Right. It wasn't my locker.
That's why I was confused.

Oh, man. Don't ask me
to do that again.

What did she say?
Did she say anything
about me?

Oh, Lordy.
Hurry, you're gonna
be late for the test.

Oh, Lordy.
Little help.

"B". "C". "D".

"F". "F". "F". "F".

"F". "D". Ah!

We're sorry, Mr. Lynch.
Yeah, we're sorry.

We'll do better.

That's nice.

But here's a little tip.
Try studying, gentlemen.

We did try studying.
The test was too hard.

Yeah, we couldn't do it.
Plus, nobody did good.

No! "Nobody did well."

You have to be a genius
to do good on that test.

Quiet! You have to be
a genius to take the test, huh?

Well, how about this?

Brendon Small,
clearly not a genius...
Thank you.

Got a "A-plus."
Good job, buddy,
Nice going.

Thanks.

I don't know how you did it,
but nice going.

Okay, now, all of you
for one reason or another

have been offenders
of the law and have
received citations,

and that's why you're here.

You're the worst of the worst.

You should be ashamed
of yourselves, driving
like you do.

Putting people's
lives in danger.

I got a family!

I got children...
in another state,

and I don't want
any of you nitwits

crossing the border
trying to k*ll my family

that I'm trying to get
in touch with.

Got it? Now...

I move pretty fast,
so try to keep up.

Have we got any
questions so far?

Yeah, right here.
Can I leave now? Ha.

Oh! h* h*!

We got a real
comedian here, folks.

I've been saving that one up.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Can he leave now, he asks me.

Oh, actually, I have
a follow-up.

Can this get more boring?

Can this get more boring?
Yeah.

Can this get more boring?

Am I too close to your face
right now, sir?

Is this intrusive for you?

Is it too close to have
my lips pressed on your ear?
Little bit.

Is it weird to feel
stubble rub against
other man's stubble?

Is that weird for you?
Is that weird for you?

Do I have coffee breath?
It's not quite coffee.

Do I have coffee breath?

It's not coffee.

Do I have doughnut breath?

Do I have sugary-sweet
doughnut breath?

All right, folks!
We got a joker amongst us!

Come on. Get in the car.

Do I have to pretend
I'm getting in
or just sit down?

Drive me somewhere.
All right. Fine.

Drive where you wanna go.

Drive me somewhere.

Do I have to do
the thing with
the fake...

Yes. Put your hands up
on the wheel.

It's right there.

Don't forget to check your
mirrors and adjust your seat.

All right.

Put on your seatbelt.

Put on your seatbelt.

Put on your seatbelt.

This is ridiculous.

We put on our seatbelts, class.

Put on your seatbelt.

I'll put on my seatbelt.

Now, let's pull out nice
and slow 'cause there's
kids at play.

All right, all right.
I'm pulling out

and I didn't hit a kid.

I'm driving
and I haven't gone over
the speed limit.

There's a red light.
I just stopped.

Thanks. Can I go now?

Nice try, pal.

He didn't go anywhere,
did he, class?

Why?

'Cause his parking brake
was on the whole time!

Oh, boy.
I'm sorry.

All right. Let's try again.
I'm sorry.

All right. Fine.
I put the parking
brake down.

I check my mirrors,
I pull out,
I drive safely.

All right? Am I done?

Okay. Now we got
a stop sign coming up.

What are we gonna do there, huh?

Oh, no.
No, no.
What?

Oh, my God.
No brakes.

I got no brakes!

I can't stop this ting!

Help! Help me!

I'm gonna hit that gas station!

I'm gonna hit the...
Oh, my God!
I'm hitting...

Please step out of the vehicle.

Shh. I'm not
done yet.

Please get out...
Huge plume.
A mushroom cloud.

Get out of the car!

Aah!

Oh. Hey, guys.

You scared me.

Congratulations, Brendon.

Yeah.
Congratulations.

Um... thank you?
On what?

You did such a good job
on the test, Brendon.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.
Nice of you to come

all the way out here to tell...

Wonder how
he did so well.
Me, too, Perry.

Yeah, Brendon.

You must have studied
really, really hard, huh?

Hmm? Yep. Yes.

Uh, stayed up all night.

Stayed up all night long.

What a model student.

I've really got to get going.

I guess you won't be
needing this then,
Brendon.

Where did you get that?

We saw you.

We know what you did, Brendon.

And you'll get
this little piece
of evidence back

when you're finished
helping us out.

What?
You're working
for us now, Brendon.

Us now. Yeah.

It just so happens
you have a particular
talent

we find... interesting.

You see...

we'll be needing the answers
to the test,

and you'll be supplying
those to us.

Of course, we have nothing
against you, Brendon,

but we'd hate to have
the principal see
these answers.

Oh, look at the time.

We must bid you farewell.

Yeah. It was nice
running into you.

See you soon.

Shut up.
Please, shut up.

The other thing,
Brendon, cheating

is just another way
of being prepared.

Basically, memorizing
something is cheating.

You knew the answer
before the test
was given.

And so by taking the test

and saying that
you learned that stuff...

It's cheating.

It's cheating.
You're already cheating.

Wow.
Yeah.

I mean, I'm discovering
all this, too,
as I say it.

Wait. Shh.
Here comes Melissa.

She doesn't even know
about the cheating stuff.

She'd freak out, okay?
Just talk about
something else.

All right.
Ahem!

So anyway... Yeah?

Cheetahs, that animal...

Yeah, the cheetahs.
Beautiful.

What are you guys talking about?

Huh? Nothing.
Computers.

Cheetahs, the animal.

Computers and cheetahs.
We downloaded some...

Computers and cheetahs
on computers.

Really?
Online, yeah.

Tell me more about it.

Cheetahs... Liars!

Brendon, I heard you.

What are you talking about?

I heard you guys talking.

Brendon, why do I
have to sneak around

and eavesdrop on
your conversations

to find out you were cheating?

Why couldn't you
just confide in me?

Because I didn't think you'd...

What, just because
I never cheat,

I'm such a square,
I always study...

Yeah.

Maybe I ought to be included

in your little cheating circle.

Well, I didn't think you would.

You never let me cheat off you.

Well, that's different,

'cause I study hard
and it's not fair.

Okay, everyone, you have
two more minutes until
I collect the quizzes.

Hey! You!
Outside now.

You think you can
cheat in here, huh?

No. No. I don't.

If there's one thing
I do not allow, it is cheating.

You understand me?

Yeah, but I wasn't cheating.

I was sweating and...

sentences rubbed off on my arm,

and they all...

yeah, they were related
to driving safety,

but just 'cause that book
was next to me.

So it's not my fault,
it's the publisher's
fault.

They have to make books better.

But nobody cares about
books anymore.

You know.

11... 12...$13.

That's about
one million pennies.

"Pennies." Get it, anyone?

There's no one here.

Signed... question mark.

Maybe I shouldn't spell out
the word "question mark."

I'll just write a question mark.

Mr. Lynch, can you explain
photosynthesis to us again?

Yeah. Uh, we forgot
what that means.

Oh, really. Well, uh...

It's good that
you're interested.

Well, photosynthesis
is a process

where plant life
extracts food and energy
from actual sunlight.

The chlorophyll
in the plant
allows the plant...

Hey, Walter.
I'm falling asleep.

Oh, my gosh!
Perry, I'm falling asleep, too.

Dream of me.

Degree of food.

Um, you're missing
the most important part.

Um... hmm.

Whew.

Uhh!

Hey, Melissa.
Yeah, coach?

Can I talk to you?
Sure.

I got a favor
to ask you.
Okay.

Would you be
my daughter
for a day?

I'm gonna say no
off the bat, but keep talking.

Let me explain.

I want you to pose
as my daughter

and come with me
to driving school

and help me cheat on the exam.

Cheating?
Yeah.
It'll be fun.

Really?
Yeah.

I'll do it.

You'll help me cheat?
Mm-hmm.

Let's come up with a system.

Okay.
Can you wink?

Is that when you close
one eye?
Yes.

Am I doing it now?
No, you're closing both.

Am I doing it now?

No, that's both.
That's blinking.

Am I doing it now?
No.

I can do it.

You're just
"squinching"
your face.

I can if I hold my hand
over one eye.
That's not gonna work.

I can't believe it.

You cheated on me.
Is that what
you're telling me?

I'm just...
I'm floored.
Who are you all of a sudden?

What about you?
You cheated on me.

Cheat... How can you say that?

Are you kidding?
You're joking, right?

I mean, you're crazy.

My sister told me.

She... She did?
Really?

How much did she tell you?

Everything.
I should have known.

And now she's off
with her boss
in the Mediterranean.

She is? She and I were
supposed to go there.

That was my idea.

She's cheating on me.

I can't believe
your own sister
would sink so low.

I knew it.
I can't trust you.

You cheated on me
with my best friend.
You're a cheater.

You're a cheater.
You're a cheater.

You're a cheater.
You're a cheater.

Cut!
What?

Is everything okay?
Hmm? Yeah.

You just called
"cut" in the middle
of the thing.

You did.
No, I didn't, you did.

No, you did.
Well, who cares.

Listen, have you heard
from Jason at all?

No. Why didn't
he show up today?

It's, uh, complicated.

I tried to introduce
him to Penny.

Now she thinks
I like her,
so she's stalking me.

Jason found out because
he's stalking her, and now
he won't talk to me.

Why is Jason so in love
with Penny anyway?

I don't know,
but he was gonna
ask her to go out.

He was?
Are you serious?
Yeah.

Nice job, Brendon.

I didn't realize he was
gonna ask her to go out.

Yeah, well, he was.

Listen, I gotta get going.

Don't forget to study
for the DMV test.

What?
What?

I mean, don't forget to study
for Lynch's test.

Oh, Lordy.

Oh, Lordy.

You may turn your tests
over and begin.

Jason? Jason?
Pick up.

Look, I know you're there.

I just want to talk, dude.

I don't need anybody anymore.

Come on.
Pick up the phone.

I don't need Brendon.
I don't need Penny.

Penny!

Penny.

Jason? Are you there?

Penny.

Your "friend" shouldn't
be cheating on tests.

But he only cheated once.

And the second time
he was blackmailed,

and so, you know,
he didn't cheat on that one.

So his cheating days
are over.
Really?

I'm serious. I'm serious.
My friend could have cheated.

He had the answers right there,
but he declined.

He's changed. He can't handle
the guilt... I'm guessing.

Does your friend have a name?

No.
Uh-huh.

But I have another friend
that I can assure you isn't me,

is not me, who is a stalker.

Wait. Are you
being stalked?

Yes, but not by that friend,

by a different non-friend.

And what are you
planning to do
about that?

I don't know,
but I'll tell you this.

The first stalker
likes the second stalker

and that stalker is stalking me.

Oh, Mom, I didn't even
tell you this.

I have a feeling that
another couple of friends

are plotting to cheat
the Department of
Motor Vehicles.

Very funny.

What's that, sweetie pie?

Did you have something
you wanted to say to Daddy?

Yes, Daddy.

And what was that, pumpkin?

I wanted to say "C"...

And then next I wanted
to say B-C-C-D-A-D-F...

Slow down.
Too fast.

D-D-D-A-C-F-D...

No, no, no.
Slower. Slower.
Slower. What?

"D".
"D".

D-C-C-B-A-C-D.

Melissa, don't tell me
the first one

and then sh**t through
the other ones.

What do you have up to?

"D".
You only have "D"?

Yeah, 'cause you said "D"...

There's, like, 50 more!

Well, I know, but go
through them one at a time
so I can write them...

How you doing?

Okay, go ahead.
"C".

Right.
D-C-C-B-A-C-D.

Are you getting this?

No. What number are you on?

I'm on 17. What number
are you on?

Oh, my God.

Let's start over
at 1.
1?

Yes, 'cause I have no idea.

"A".
"A".

All right.

What are you on now?
2!

Hey, Penny. Um, hi.
How's it going?

Do you mind having
a seat for a second?

Hi. What are you
doing here?

Nothing. Listen, look,

when I said I had
a friend that likes you,
that's what I meant.

I actually have a friend
that likes you.

Who isn't me.

Ooh. You don't like me.

I don't like anybody.
I don't even like myself.

Oh. That's sweet.
What?

You don't like yourself...

but I could like you.

Oh, boy.

What I'm saying is
there's another person

that really likes you
that isn't me.

So you can... What about that?

How's about
a little bit of that?
That's cute.

That's a little
too advanced for me.

What?

Two people liking me?
I don't know.

Only one person liking you.

There's just a little
tiny confusion...

There's a guy named Jason.

Oh. So you're Jason now.

Oh, dear sweet Lord.

Sons of b*tches!

Dirty sons of b*tches!

Oh, Brendon.
You were my best friend.

I hate you!

Be good to her, Brendon.

Be good to my
little Penny.
b*stards!

Oh. Oh. Oh. I've seen
a lot of that guy
in the past few weeks.

I though you hired him
to follow me.

No, no, no, no, no.

See, he was doing that
out of admiration for you.

He was?
Yeah.

Oh. Well, he's cute.
I'd stalk him.

Well, see?
See? That's good.

See? Great.

Well, let me put something
together, you know?

Okay, sure.

I gotta get going.
Thanks, Brendon.

No!

All done there, pal?
You bet.

Hey, look at that.

I didn't know you had
a little daughter.

What's your name, angel?

Melissa.
Tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell.
It's...

Tinkerbell.

Hmm. Well, McGuirk,
Tinkerbell, good news.

I will be your proctor
for the driving portion
of the test.

Wow. How about that.

Jason, listen...

Hey, no spitting.

Stop spitting on me!

Hey! Stop it!

Aah!
Aah!

Hey. These...

these are the wrong answers...

and they're really wrong.

Almost as if
they cheated off
the wrong test.

Those b*tches tried to cheat me!

Okay, nice and slow.

Stay on your left up here.

Very good.

Your father's doing
okay, Tinkerbell,

and so are you
sitting politely
in the back seat

like a little angel.

What a good, good girl.

What a good, little
innocent angel.

Coach, I wanna go home.

Sweetheart, Daddy's
taking a test now, so...

Your daughter... Sit tight.

Sorry. Your daughter
calls you "coach"?

Yeah. Yes, she does.

I wanna go home.

I don't like this anymore.

I wanna go home now.

What's going on here?

You... cheated...
on... me...

as... I... introduced...
you... to... Penny.

How... could... you...
cheat... on... me?

We cheated, okay?

We cheated on
the written test.
Tinkerbell.

He made me cheat.
No.

Pull this car over right now!

Oh, my God!

Look out!

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Jason.
Hi.

You're Penny.

The fabled Jason.
Yeah.

The infamous Penny.
So to speak.

Uh, do you wanna go out with me?

Okay.
Okay.

Hmm. That's it?

Mmm, I guess.
I said okay.

This isn't as fun
as stalking you.

Yeah. I see
what you mean.

Uh... do you want
to break up?

Uh, we were just
going out just then,
for, like, a minute?

Yeah.

Uh... okay.

"F", "F", and "F".

You people thought you
could cheat me, huh?

No way, you three.

All three of you...
pfft... pfft... pfft...

Detenzione.

Ha ha. That's what
you guys get.

You should see
the looks on
your faces right now.

You should see...

No, wait.
Don't change the looks.

Keep the looks.
I'm getting my camera.

And when I come back,
I wanna see those looks

'cause I'm gonna take
a picture of you.

Oh, Brendon?

You're going to get it.